Bi The Way

Well it looks like I’m about to fulfil a bisexual stereotype. I’ve finally organised a second date with the girl I met last week, let’s call her “V” and although I’m probably going to enjoy her company tonight, I really don’t have much interest in taking her home and falling into bed with her. In fact to be honest, the prospect of straight sex is not a turn on for me at all right now. (Yeah I know I’m swinging again, my “straight-streak” has ended.)

Its not her, its just that the past two days I’ve found myself far more turned on by the thought of bedding a guy than a girl. Well it is her, in a way, she cancelled and re-scheduled so many times, that I started to wonder whether or not she was really interested. I was also reminded how much easier it can be to understand men than women.

My last girlfriend played little games, like cancelling a date to see if I would chase her for a follow-up and I started to wonder if “V” was doing the same. Its pretty tiresome as you plan your week around a date, decline invites from mates then when she cancels you wind up doing sod all by yourself. My experience with guys isn’t broad enough to say that men don’t play these silly little games, only that I’ve never been close to a guy that did. This realisation is ultimately what ended my straight-streak.

So I’m once again yo-yoing and about to fulfill the bisexual stereotype that we can’t be happy just shagging one person, we are always looking accross the other side of the fence. Of course this isn’t true, it just looks that way, because I’ve been irritated and frustrated by trying to land this second date with “V”.

To follow up on my previous post about “Enduring a Straight Streak“, to add to the confusion, I met someone last night - a girl - a woman in fact. We seemed to hit it off and I hope it will develop into something. But if it does, where does that leave me as a bisexual commentator?

I know its kind of stupid thing to be thinking, but I find it much easier to write about bisexuality and as a bisexual when I find my attractions are fluid. When my affections become focussed on someone, particular a woman, I feel like a bit of fraud talking about bisexuality. I’m not sure it would bother me so much if I got into a relationship with a guy, probably because gay and bisexual issues tend to overlap to a greater or lesser extent.

Like I say, this a really stupid thing to be thinking because I always knew it would happen, after all I’ve already said I’m an alternating bisexual, so when I did get myself back into a relationship, my bisexuality was going to become invisible again.

And in some ways this invisibility effect is worsened by a relationship with a girl. You see, if I rolled up with a boyfriend in tow, people would probably remark “Oh, I didn’t know David was Gay” - there’d then be an opportunity to correct them and say “well actually I’m bi - I just happen to be dating a guy at the moment”. In contrast, you turn up with your girlfriend and everyone thinks that’s normal and unremarkable.

Anyway, forgive the lack of structure to this rather poorly composed ramble of thoughts, I’m getting ahead of myself anyway, before I start worry about what a relationship will do to my bi-vissibility I really ought to secure that second date.

Well its been a few weeks since I’ve had any major crushes or lusts after other guys, so I’m officially on a “straight streak”. I guess this contrasts nicely with the “Gay Days“, I’ve described previously. Its kind of weird going through a period like this where your attractions are almost exclusively heterosexual, it makes you kind of question what you are doing writing a blog like this. What authority do I have to talk about queer issues when I haven’t seen a guy that makes me want to rip his shirt off in what seems like ages? (Truth be told its been about 3 weeks.)

I guess I’ve been rather immersed in straight culture of late, football, outdoor activities, not your typical ‘urban chic’ gay scene. But that’s a cliché too right? Queer culture isn’t limited to disco bars and outdoor cafes. I mean Bisexual and Gay people like sports as well, don’t they? Still the overtly straight-macho environment doesn’t present the best opportunities for honest self-expression.

Does simply surrounding yourself with straight-dom make you straight? I don’t think so and I sure as hell hope not. But I have to admit these straight-streaks leave you rather confused, you end us questioning your sexuality all over again and these horrible thoughts like: “Have I made a huge mistake in coming out?” start rattling around your head.

Still for now I’m philosophical about things, sexuality is a bit like weight, it changes, swinging around your personal average. Some times of year your feel really fat, others you are flexing those abs. Bisexuality is a similar state of affairs. Your level of attraction to one gender or the other varies with time. Besides, who knows my “straight streak” might be coming to an end - the latest copy of GT has just arrived.

In a speech on the 7th of July, Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg called on schools to recognise their “unique role” in tackling homophobia and called for better monitoring of homophobic incidents in schools. The fully story is here: http://www.pinknews.co.uk/news/articles/2005-8260.html

What is probably unique about this speech is that its the first by a mainstream political leader to include even the remote mention of bisexuals. Nick Clegg’s frequent references to ‘LGB’ rather than the ubiquitous ‘Lesbian and Gay’ can only be hailed as progress for bisexual recognition. Whilst we are still relegated to a single letter of an acronym, unlike recent Stonewall reports we are at least acknowledged.

It was a good speech, recognising that a minority of homophobic parents still poison their children’s thinking and that schools have a role in educating children against homophobia, something that presently they regularly fail to do.

As Nick Clegg rightly points out LGB pupils have higher levels of truancy, drop-out, mental health problems, panic attacks and eating disorders than straight students and more than half of LGB adults who were bullied at school contemplated self-harm or suicide. And four in ten had attempted it at least once.

Speaking as a bisexual guy who has previously self-harmed and attempted suicide, If this isn’t reason to be concerned about homophobic bullying then I don’t know what is. Bisexuals are more likely to be closet than their lesbian and gay counterparts, and whilst as a result, our outwardly homosexual cousins are more likely to bear the brunt of homophobic bullying, ’straight acting’ bisexuals cannot feel any more comfortable ‘being themselves’ in a virulently homophobic environment than lesbians or gays. Unlike our friends in pink, bisexuals have no political movement speaking out for them, no real separate identity, and bisexual teenagers must feel terribly isolated and alone. No wonder that so many of us first ‘pick a side’ before ‘broadening our horizons’.

Clearly more needs to be done to raise awareness of bisexuality, particularly in schools and leaders like Nick Clegg have a role to play in that, for now its atleast good that we have been acknowledged by use of an acromym, next time it would be nice to be called by name.

I guess I’m unusual in so much as I’m an out straight-leaning bisexual, there aren’t that many of us. Though by virtue of the internet, thankfully we can connect with others in the same boat and not feel quite so isolated. I wouldn’t like to say I’m proud of my sexuality, because that makes it sound like I think its better than anyone else’s, but I’m not ashamed of it either and I have pride in myself as rounded person. Fuck gay-pride, bi-pride or whatever, I have Dave-pride.

My sexuality isn’t something I feel a burning need to celebrate, its a characteristic, its part of me, not the whole person. I just get pissed off when people prejudice me because of it, hence the writing of this blog. Still I think its important to be out about your sexuality, I really do. The reason is lack of visibility, bisexuality cannot be taken seriously unless there are genuinely ‘out’ bisexuals prepared to stand-up and be counted. We are the collective beacon for everyone struggling to come to terms with their bisexuality in the face of societies expectation that we declare sides, straight or gay.

Still, whilst I’m out to anyone that asks, and I’ve specifically come out to my immediate family and close friends, further I’m out to anyone who has bothered to read my facebook profile, there are still some people I cannot bring myself to tell.

The first is my Nan, she’s 93 and desperate for me to make her a great-grandmother before she dies. My cousin has already made her a great-grandmother twice over, but he lives in Vancover Canada and she has never met her great-grandchildren, so in my Nan’s words, “this doesn’t really count.” If I told her I was bisexual this would crush her, because she’d assume I meant gay, and in her mind this would mean no great-grand-kids.

There’s no way I could explain this to her, because she’s so deaf she wouldn’t hear the pertinent details and I’m not sure she has the capacity to understand it anyway, not with a life so shaped by a strict Catholic upbringing.

The other person I who I haven’t told is another older friend, Ken is 78, I affectionally call him “my adopted granddad” as both my grandfathers have passed away, and he’s the only other over 75 I’m close to. We’re good mates and we have the kind of relationship I would have liked to have enjoyed with my grandfathers were they still alive. IE: We go-out for a beer, bite to eat and generally help each other out on our pet projects. Which generally involves me fixing problems with his computer and him giving me a lift when I find myself stranded somewhere. But I guess like a lot of people his age, Ken has opinions about the world having got worse as he’s gotten older. I’m sure that this is borne out of a resistance to change and it happens to us all, but I’m still the right side of 30 and I’m a progressive. I keep telling myself that when I’m in my 70’s, I’m still going to be a radical progressive. Its easy to say, but in all probability the world will have probably moved at a faster pace than I have and the chances are that I’ll become like Ken, convinced the world was a better place in ‘my day’.

When you get to know someone, you can normally determine the ‘age’ they settled in. The era when they felt the socio-political spectrum best fitted their sense of self, for me it was the mid-late 90’s. For my parents it was the early 70’s. For Ken it was the 50’s. During the 50’s there was very little acceptance of homosexuality (they still sent people to prison for buggery) and even the more progressive people of the day, (of which I’m sure my friend was one,) tolerated homosexual acts provided it was kept very firmly in the closet and out of view.

I could be doing him an injustice by not trusting him with my sexuality, but I fear that Ken, like my Nan probably doesn’t have the capacity to understand it without first battling with some inherent personal prejudice. Still, as far as our friendship goes, my sexuality is irrelevant, I’m single, I date occasionally but there are no serious relationships on the horizon and until they are and one of them is with a guy, there isn’t really anything to explain.

Still for now, as far as older people are concerned, I remain closeted. They are the one group I feel unable to come out to, even my football team (who I haven’t explcitly told) have access to my Facebook profile, but the older generation I find are the hardest to come out to.

Am I being unfair, misjudging them? Possibly, but I really don’t know how to broach the subject with the senior citizens in my life.

So you suspect your boyfriend or husband is bisexual, but your not certain? You suspect he might like guys, but what are the signs and how can you tell? After all bisexual and bi-curious men don’t wear badges, we don’t have a dress code, and we are notoriously closeted. So how do you know if your boyfriend is bisexual?

You could trawl through his computer looking for gay porn, or check his credit card for membership of swingers sites, hire a private detective to follow him when he takes the dog out for a walk. Perhaps even have a look under his mattress for stashed copies of Gay Times.

But by far the simplest solution is just come right out and ask him, though before you do I’d recommend you read my earlier post on How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend.

A lot of women wrongly assume that just because their boyfriend is bisexual that this means the end of their relationship. It doesn’t or at least it shouldn’t. Very few guys who come out as bisexual want to leave their girlfriends, and not all of them want to start dating men on the side.

If you are going to ask him, then its got to phrased with genuine interest and support, don’t challenge him. Just ask him gently and make it clear that you’ll be supportive whatever his reply. If you are not capable of being supportive, then you don’t deserve an honest answer.

Obviously his answer may have repercussions for your relationship, but its just as likely that it won’t. A lot of bisexuals are monogamous and contrary to popular believe we won’t freak out just because we’re in a committed relationship with a woman and can’t get any cock. We’re rational normal people and invariably all we look for is a loving partner who we can share our life with.

Our bisexuality shouldn’t matter, but clearly you want to know and I guess where it impacts you, you have a right to know, but the only real honest to god sure fire way to find out if someone is bisexual is to ask them - nobody lies when they say ‘yes’.

The alternating bisexual is a rare breed, or so it seems, as I’ve come across very few, certainly amongst men. For the uninitiated, the alternating bisexual is the person who has the capacity to fall in love with either men or women, but chooses only one partner at a time and is usually monogamous.

One relationship might be heterosexual,  and then after that relationship ends, the next relationship might be homosexual, after that ends they may revert to a straight relationship. Though in theory the alternating bisexual can settle down with a partner for life and no-one would ever know they were bisexual, they’d just assume they were straight or gay depending on their current choice of partner (though that could also be said of a lot of bisexuals who tend not to flaunt secondary partners).

I would generally describe myself as an alternating bisexual, mostly because I wouldn’t want my partner to be sleeping with other people and consequently I would do them the same courtesy. I just don’t get the need for multiple partners, one at a time is enough work! An just to dispel another bisexual myth, I don’t have a burning desire for sex with a guy AND sex with a woman. I just have a burning desire for sex. LOL!

No seriously, my sex drive is pretty moderate, it revolves around love making rather than just getting off. Hell I can do that myself! I’m far more into foreplay and oral than I am into penetrative sex, though granted I won’t say no. But equally I don’t need a penis or a vagina to make me happy. I fall in love with the person, not what does or doesn’t dangle between their legs.

Why post about this? Well, frankly I’m pissed off that just because I say I’m bisexual, people assume I’m incapable of entering into a loving monogamous relationship. I think its partly because I’m a guy and it’s assumed we want to play the field anyway, so if you are bisexual, then its somehow assumed that you want to play the field with both genders. Worse its assumed that you’ll never be satisfied having sex with just one woman and that you’ll always desire a man, or vice versa.

Well I kinda desire a man at the moment because I’m pissed off with women. But it would be wrong of me to judge the entire female gender on the basis of my recent experiences with woman and their reaction to my bisexuality. So I’m still technically keeping my options open. And as I’m predominantly attracted to women, the odds are still stacked in favour of my next relationship being heterosexual.

So if there are any sexy, well-adjusted men out there get your bids in quick. *grin* I don’t plan to be available for long.

So you’ve just found out your boyfriend is bisexual. Now what?

Well that really depends on the matter you discovered his bisexuality. If he came out to candidly he probably needs a hug and a bit of moral support. If you caught him in bed with another guy (or a girl if you’re coming at this from the gay angle), then you probably are well within your rights to throw that Ming vase at him, call him every name under the sun and lock yourself in the bathroom crying.

Still whatever the circumstances, remember this, your boyfriend’s bisexuality is not a reflection on you. Its not caused by something you have or haven’t done, its not something you could have prevented. Its not your fault. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all, its just the way he is. He can’t help being bisexual, and believe me at some point, most of us have tried not to be.

CASE A: Your boyfriend just came out to you as bisexual

So how do you talk to bisexual boyfriend after this bombshell?

First know that he still loves you, he probably told you this in his coming out speech, if he didn’t, he meant to. The last thing he wanted to do was make you feel inadequate, he was just trying to be honest about his feelings and you were important enough to him to be the person he chose to share his secret with.

Know that he’s probably been agonising over telling you for ages, and probably tried several times and lost his nerve, frightened that you wouldn’t understand and that you’d leave him if you found out. It takes an awful lot of courage to come out as a bisexual, especially for men who find themselves already in a relationship, so its no surprise that many bisexual men don’t come out at all. Its made even harder if you or your spouse have deeply held religious convictions.

So now that you appreciate just how hard it was for your boyfriend to tell you he was bisexual, you are probably a little better equipped to deal with it and offer a supportive response. The best thing you can do right now is be accepting of his sexuality. Don’t argue with him about it, don’t call him gay (or ‘a breeder’ if you previously thought he was exclusively gay), don’t suggest its just a phase, be accepting and say something supportive. You probably have a million questions, but take a moment to make him feel good about his decision to tell you.

What does it mean for your relationship?

Well this is a question you should ask, probably after pouring each other a stiff drink. The answer is different for every couple. Your bisexual boyfriend, almost certainly won’t want things between you and him to change, but he may ask you to accept him seeing other people, which may seem like a big change for you. He won’t see it as such a big deal, because he genuinely does still love you, he just wants to sleep with people of the opposite sex to you now and again.

Equally though he may not ask anything more of you than occasionally renting a gay porno rather than a straight one, who knows perhaps you’ll enjoy watching it together? Yes there are bisexual men who don’t need relationships with both genders on the go at the same time.

The truth is each couple is different, how you deal with it and renegotiate the boundaries of your relationship is entirely unique to you and your boyfriend. But there are some basic rules you follow.

• Don’t agree to anything you are uncomfortable with.
• Listen and consider each request.
• Avoid saying “NO WAY” to something right away, offer to consider it and return with your decision.
• Keep a dialogue open and come back and discuss things further.

Any agreements you make are renegotiable. If you decide you can’t handle something you though you could deal with a few weeks ago, come back and say so. But don’t blame or resent your bisexual boyfriend for taking you at your word in the meantime.

Finally remember you are in a very special relationship. Your boyfriend loved you enough to tell you he was bisexual, he was being honest with you and being honest with himself. You share a special bond of confidence and honesty that a lot of relationships lack. This revelation is a blessing as much as a curse.

CASE B: You caught your boyfriend in bed with someone else and found out he’s bisexual

Pretty much the same as Case A, only for some reason, he didn’t have the balls to tell you. He probably wanted to, but was too scared of how you’d react. You are probably more hurt that he didn’t feel able to tell you than you are by the deception, but ten to a penny he keeping this a secret because he didn’t want to risk losing you. Now realising his mistake he’s really sorry that he’s hurt you.

Take some time, don’t talk whilst angry, but do keep channels of communication open, come back and talk about things and remember your bisexual boyfriend loves you, he always has.

How gay are you feeling today? Odd question to ask I suppose, but as a bisexual guy, I often find myself having “gay days”. Periods when I am almost exclusively attracted to men, when my fantasies are almost exclusively homosexual and I seem to be completely ignoring women. Then bang! I spot a girl I like and I’m back to hetero mode.

Mostly though I find I have a roughly 1 in 10 mix. That is to say that for every 10 people I find myself attracted to, nine of them are women and one of them is a guy. So these “gay days” are a source of some bemusement, I guess because of their statistical improbability as much as anything. However, I think it illustrates a point that a lot of bisexuals have been making, namely that sexuality and sexual attraction is a continuum rather than a constant. That our sexuality is more fluid than we may think.

I’ll admit I’m yo-yo-ing a bit at the moment and it’ll be somewhat less confusing when things settle down or at least when I learn to stop worrying about it. That’s probably the crux of it, to relax, sit back and say: “I’m attracted to him, him, her and him.” and not really worry about what gender has to do with it.

Until then though I guess the hormones will keep firing in all directions.

I mentioned in a previous article that it seems like a lot more people are coming out as bisexual. And that’s a good thing, but I realise that there are a lot of people still out there who think, that people are “choosing” to be bisexual because they think it’s cool. And that bisexuality like an infectious disease is somehow contagious.

Well it probably won’t surprise you to learn that this is not the case, bisexuality is not contagious, however I do think ‘coming out’ is. Have you ever noticed that when one person ‘comes out’, someone else they know often follows? And another and another? Of course the conservative US evangelists like to blame the first person (and the media’s tolerance of LGBT people) for corrupting the others. But
the truth is everyone who came out was always Bi. They just got the confidence to do so from seeing someone else do it.

That’s quite a positive endorsement of society and I’m rather pleased to be able to write something upbeat about bisexual tolerance. Still for me the battle grounds for bisexual recognition have never really been with Joe public, but instead with the media for their regular hazing of bisexuals and with Stonewall who whilst claiming to represent us, constantly and wilfully ignore us.