Bi The Way

So you’ve just found out your boyfriend is bisexual. Now what?

Well that really depends on the matter you discovered his bisexuality. If he came out to candidly he probably needs a hug and a bit of moral support. If you caught him in bed with another guy (or a girl if you’re coming at this from the gay angle), then you probably are well within your rights to throw that Ming vase at him, call him every name under the sun and lock yourself in the bathroom crying.

Still whatever the circumstances, remember this, your boyfriend’s bisexuality is not a reflection on you. Its not caused by something you have or haven’t done, its not something you could have prevented. Its not your fault. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all, its just the way he is. He can’t help being bisexual, and believe me at some point, most of us have tried not to be.

CASE A: Your boyfriend just came out to you as bisexual

So how do you talk to bisexual boyfriend after this bombshell?

First know that he still loves you, he probably told you this in his coming out speech, if he didn’t, he meant to. The last thing he wanted to do was make you feel inadequate, he was just trying to be honest about his feelings and you were important enough to him to be the person he chose to share his secret with.

Know that he’s probably been agonising over telling you for ages, and probably tried several times and lost his nerve, frightened that you wouldn’t understand and that you’d leave him if you found out. It takes an awful lot of courage to come out as a bisexual, especially for men who find themselves already in a relationship, so its no surprise that many bisexual men don’t come out at all. Its made even harder if you or your spouse have deeply held religious convictions.

So now that you appreciate just how hard it was for your boyfriend to tell you he was bisexual, you are probably a little better equipped to deal with it and offer a supportive response. The best thing you can do right now is be accepting of his sexuality. Don’t argue with him about it, don’t call him gay (or ‘a breeder’ if you previously thought he was exclusively gay), don’t suggest its just a phase, be accepting and say something supportive. You probably have a million questions, but take a moment to make him feel good about his decision to tell you.

What does it mean for your relationship?

Well this is a question you should ask, probably after pouring each other a stiff drink. The answer is different for every couple. Your bisexual boyfriend, almost certainly won’t want things between you and him to change, but he may ask you to accept him seeing other people, which may seem like a big change for you. He won’t see it as such a big deal, because he genuinely does still love you, he just wants to sleep with people of the opposite sex to you now and again.

Equally though he may not ask anything more of you than occasionally renting a gay porno rather than a straight one, who knows perhaps you’ll enjoy watching it together? Yes there are bisexual men who don’t need relationships with both genders on the go at the same time.

The truth is each couple is different, how you deal with it and renegotiate the boundaries of your relationship is entirely unique to you and your boyfriend. But there are some basic rules you follow.

• Don’t agree to anything you are uncomfortable with.
• Listen and consider each request.
• Avoid saying “NO WAY” to something right away, offer to consider it and return with your decision.
• Keep a dialogue open and come back and discuss things further.

Any agreements you make are renegotiable. If you decide you can’t handle something you though you could deal with a few weeks ago, come back and say so. But don’t blame or resent your bisexual boyfriend for taking you at your word in the meantime.

Finally remember you are in a very special relationship. Your boyfriend loved you enough to tell you he was bisexual, he was being honest with you and being honest with himself. You share a special bond of confidence and honesty that a lot of relationships lack. This revelation is a blessing as much as a curse.

CASE B: You caught your boyfriend in bed with someone else and found out he’s bisexual

Pretty much the same as Case A, only for some reason, he didn’t have the balls to tell you. He probably wanted to, but was too scared of how you’d react. You are probably more hurt that he didn’t feel able to tell you than you are by the deception, but ten to a penny he keeping this a secret because he didn’t want to risk losing you. Now realising his mistake he’s really sorry that he’s hurt you.

Take some time, don’t talk whilst angry, but do keep channels of communication open, come back and talk about things and remember your bisexual boyfriend loves you, he always has.

How gay are you feeling today? Odd question to ask I suppose, but as a bisexual guy, I often find myself having “gay days”. Periods when I am almost exclusively attracted to men, when my fantasies are almost exclusively homosexual and I seem to be completely ignoring women. Then bang! I spot a girl I like and I’m back to hetero mode.

Mostly though I find I have a roughly 1 in 10 mix. That is to say that for every 10 people I find myself attracted to, nine of them are women and one of them is a guy. So these “gay days” are a source of some bemusement, I guess because of their statistical improbability as much as anything. However, I think it illustrates a point that a lot of bisexuals have been making, namely that sexuality and sexual attraction is a continuum rather than a constant. That our sexuality is more fluid than we may think.

I’ll admit I’m yo-yo-ing a bit at the moment and it’ll be somewhat less confusing when things settle down or at least when I learn to stop worrying about it. That’s probably the crux of it, to relax, sit back and say: “I’m attracted to him, him, her and him.” and not really worry about what gender has to do with it.

Until then though I guess the hormones will keep firing in all directions.

I mentioned in a previous article that it seems like a lot more people are coming out as bisexual. And that’s a good thing, but I realise that there are a lot of people still out there who think, that people are “choosing” to be bisexual because they think it’s cool. And that bisexuality like an infectious disease is somehow contagious.

Well it probably won’t surprise you to learn that this is not the case, bisexuality is not contagious, however I do think ‘coming out’ is. Have you ever noticed that when one person ‘comes out’, someone else they know often follows? And another and another? Of course the conservative US evangelists like to blame the first person (and the media’s tolerance of LGBT people) for corrupting the others. But
the truth is everyone who came out was always Bi. They just got the confidence to do so from seeing someone else do it.

That’s quite a positive endorsement of society and I’m rather pleased to be able to write something upbeat about bisexual tolerance. Still for me the battle grounds for bisexual recognition have never really been with Joe public, but instead with the media for their regular hazing of bisexuals and with Stonewall who whilst claiming to represent us, constantly and wilfully ignore us.

Have you noticed that in some circles, bisexual intolerance has passed into a new phase? Its called “bisexual apathy”, it manifests itself as mock indifference towards someone’s sexuality, bred by columnists who declare with a tone of disinterest: “but everyone is bisexual these days!” The undertone is of course that bisexuality isn’t a real sexual orientation, just a cool new label, ‘bisexual chic’ is back.

Its designed to undermine bisexuals, to dismiss us, to punish us for being bold enough to declare a sexuality that no-body wants to admit exists because it doesn’t fit nicely in societies neat boxes.

With more and more people coming out, the new assault on bisexuality is to ignore it. This was highlighted in a recent report by Stonewall on discrimination in public services. The executive summary alone mentioned the words “gay and lesbian” over 50 times yet mentioned bisexual just once. Yet this is an organisation which is supposed to promote lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights.

OK - announce you are straight and that too is met with casual indifference, but bisexuality now (where its not met with revulsion and fear) seems to be met with ‘mock’ indifference. There’s a distinction, least of all because straight people are not still struggling for equal treatment and especially when bisexuality is constantly derided as a phase or a fashion statement by the media or seemingly wholly ignored by lobby groups like Stonewall.

Many bisexuals have come out from very dark places, suffering intensely from guilt, self doubt and low self-esteem, the last thing they need is to be treated with indifference or wilfully ignored. Would it be that hard to show a little love?

From 6 June until 17 June I’m away on a hiking holiday. I’m off to the Knoydart Peninsula in remote western Scotland where I hope to get away from the rat race for a few days, then its on to Fort William where I hope to spend a couple of days relaxing before climbing Ben Nevis.

I’ve scheduled a couple of posts to be published whilst I’m away, but obviously I won’t be publishing as frequently as usual for a couple of weeks. Anyway, please don’t think I’ve abandoned the Blog. Keep reading and check back regularly.

See you in a couple of weeks.

I’ve previously commented on how children are often denied access to information about homosexuality and bisexuality. This is particularly true in the US and to a lesser extend in the UK where homophobic bullying still blights our schools.

Still I was informed that in Norway they have a more enlightened approach. Apparently, Skeiv Ungdom, a Norwegian gay and lesbian support group had a video produced to promote their telephone support line to gay and lesbian teenagers. A quick search for “Skeiv Ungdom” on YouTube and I found the video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoSchpHLgvA

I think its a great video. I really think something like this ought to be aired in Britain. It really sends out a positive message about homosexuality and also emphasises that things aren’t always what they seem. Which will certainly speak to a lot of bisexuals.

I should also point out that the entire crew worked for free to produce this 60 second short, so good on them for showing support. Enjoy…

I’m amazed as just how often the words “homosexual” and “atheist” are used in the same sentence and how frequently homosexuals and atheists are presented as being one of the same. And what’s more apparently share a political agenda to run rough-shod over Christendom and traditional family values.

There are a plethora of socially-conservative organisations, such as Americans For Truth (about homosexuality), and Christian Voice (UK) who are keen to drum up anti-gay and anti-bisexual sentiments by stirring the faith pot and portraying all gays, lesbians and bisexuals as godless creatures out to do the devils work.

Now in truth many gay, lesbian and bisexual people are agnostics and atheists, this I cannot deny. But they are not gay/lesbian/bisexual because of their lack of faith. Lets face it, there are millions of straight atheists too. More to the point most LGBT people lose their faith because they realise there is no room for them in Christianity.

This was a point picked up on by the Bishop of New Hampshire, Gene Robinson in an interview with Gay Times.

“Encouraging gay and lesbian people to return the church is not unlike telling an abused wife to go back to her husband” - Bishop Gene Robinson, GT June 2008 Issue.

In short Christianity is creating atheists by being exclusionary towards homosexuality. Even straight parishioners are being turned off the church by its homophobic attitudes. Less than 7% of the British population attends church on Sundays. And according to the latest social attitudes survey less than 38% of people in Britain believe in God. Furthermore, as president of the National Secular Society, Terry Sanderson observes in the same issue of GT, a recent report on social evils actually cited religion itself as the pre-eminent social evil in society today.

Bizarrely, it would seem that the best recruiting banner for atheism is the Church’s continued bigoted objection to homosexuality. So groups like American’s for Truth and Christian Voice (UK) are complaining about atheists they created.

Who do you think is doing the devil’s work now?

Still, it can’t even be said that atheists, as a unified political movement, promote homosexuality. Even the National Secular Society does not campaign specifically for LGBT rights. The truth is, there is no real political link between atheism and homosexuality except that created by American’s for Truth and Christian Voice (UK) .

At the end of the Gay Rights lobby has only ever campaigned for equality, that is to say fairness and equal treatment. Yet if you listen to large sects of the Christian church you’d think LGBT activism was trying to push for preferential treatment. The reality is this isn’t true at all, its just right-wing spin. What they really object to is the loss of their perceived ‘right’ to discriminate against gays, lesbians and bisexuals. The agenda here belongs to these socially-conservative, religious-hate groups. They won’t be happy until they have the right to treat LGBT people as second class citizens.

Announced as “quips, tips and lists for those who go both ways”, The Bisexual’s Guide to the Universe, is a fun, irreverent and witty take on bisexuality. Packed full of feel-good bi philosophy and clever put downs for the straight and gay nay-sayers, this is not a book that takes itself too seriously. Nor can it be with 22 pages dedicated to lists of ‘famous fence-sitters’ and a further 18 pages on bi movies, television programs and cartoon characters it really can’t afford to be.

This book contains everything you need to know to be a ‘good bisexual’ including quizzes to help you test your bisexual prowess. Not that the author’s intend you to take this seriously, this is purely and simply a fun book, in stark contrast to the occasionally dry and overly serious Bi Any Other Name.

The Bisexual’s Guide to the Universe, is bi-pride for the T4 Generation, from helping you identify your bisexuality - to getting clued up on bi-trivia - to finding a date and even organising a threesome, this book has it all and nothing at the same time. Its self-depreciating style often encouraging you to take most of its advice with a pince of salt.

You can’t criticise this book because its not meant to be taken to heart, its a laugh, a buzz, a feel good book, and you know what? Its pretty good.

To purchase at Amazon.co.uk click the link below:
The Bisexuals Guide to the Universe

Authors: Nicole Kristal & Mike Szymanski

ISBN-10: 155583650X
ISBN-13: 978-1555836504

Did you know there are 13 different types of bisexuality?

No? Neither did I, but apparently there are 13 ways to pigeon-hole us. According to J.R. Little bisexuals can be categorised in terms of their sexual desires and experiences and include:

• Alternating Bisexuals - one relationship at a time, the first might be exclusively straight, the next exclusively gay and vice versa. Alternating Bisexuals are usually monogamous.
• Circumstantial Bisexuals - primarily heterosexual but bisexual because of circumstances, eg; Prison where there are no women/men available.
• Concurrent relationship Bisexuals - have a primary relationship with one gender, but may have multiple casual relationships with partners of the other gender.
• Conditional Bisexuals - will switch sexuality for personal gain, eg: Gay for Pay.
• Emotional Bisexuals - have intimate emotional relationships with both genders but only have sex with one gender.
• Integrated Bisexuals - have two or more concurrent primary relationships one with a man one with a woman
• Exploratory Bisexuals - testing the water seeing if they like it.
• Hedonistic Bisexuals -primarily straight or gay/lesbian but will switch purely for sexual pleasure.
• Recreational Bisexuals - bi only when drunk or high. “Party Bisexual”
• Isolated Bisexuals - currently straight or gay/lesbian - but has had one off sexual encounter in the past which qualifies them as bisexual.
• Latent Bisexuals - has strong yet so far unsatisfied urges to go the other way.
• Motivational Bisexuals - will go bi to satisfy a partner, e.g. straight women agreeing to MFF threesome.
• Transitional Bisexuals - the only type of bisexuality the gay community understands, the one “going through a phrase”.

Least that’s bisexuality according to J. R. Little. I’m going to mess the theory up in typical bisexual fashion by refusing to fit neatly into any of those 13 categories. In fact I’d have to describe myself as Latent-Alternating because my gay sexual exploration is incomplete and I swing between attraction to men and women yet would never want a poly-relationship.

What a surprise! Another bisexual fence-sitter!

Do you know any other men who are bisexual?

Chances are you don’t. But why not?

A US survey in the 1990’s put the incidence of male bisexuality at 1.8%. That’s almost 1 in 50 and most of us know more than 50 people. So how come bisexuals are so invisible?

Well to kick off with there’s the presumption that people are either straight or gay. People rarely pause to consider that someone might be bisexual. When I’m seen with a girlfriend, people assume I’m straight, when I’m seen with a boyfriend people assume I’m gay. It doesn’t occur to a casual observer that there is another sexuality somewhere in between.

And if someone is seen to be dating both guys and girls, then the presumption switches to “he’s going through a phase”. Straight people normally assume that phase is experimentation, Gay people tend to assume that phase is a stage in the persons progression towards being an out and proud homosexual.

The occasional celebrity comes out as bisexual, Angelina Jolie, Billy Joe Armstrong, Billie Piper and they are accused of being “bisexual chic” - Not true bisexuals, just pretending for the sake of headlines and publicity. Like bisexuality is a fashion statement. Come-on if bisexuality was that fashionable, everyone would want one, and yet I’m still single.

Other celebrities (mostly men) get caught - they’re filmed or grassed up for having a “gay fling” behind their wife’s back. Remember Liberal Democrat MP Mark Oaten? Yep a rent-boy squealed on him and the Tabloids called him “Gay” - but he’s married and wanted to stay with his wife. He’s not Gay - he’s Bi! It seems that even when one of number does something treacherous like cheats on his wife, the media still treats us like we’re not here. Still, I suppose we should be thankful for small mercies.

Though when they want to, the media can really put the boot in. Back in 2005 The New York Times launched an attack on the very existence of male bisexuality. In an article titled “Straight Gay or Lying” they reported on a study that claimed bisexual men were either straight men pretending to be bi, or gay men with no real interest in women. Its since been widely pointed that the research upon which this article was based was deeply flawed. However, I don’t believe the New York Times ever printed a retraction.

So no wonder bisexuals are invisible, no-body wants to even acknowledge our existence.