Bi The Way

A week or so back I was contacted by a young lady who is doing some research into the representation of lesbian gay and bisexual people in soap operas for her Media Studies A-level.

Soap Operas are some of the most viewed programs on TV, therefore even if you are not a soap fan, the way characters are portrayed, informs millions of people’s perspective and opinion. This makes it an important topic for discussion and I think its worth trying to help Bonnie out with her research.

A short questionnaire follows. If you could please either post responses in the comment or email them directly to: bonniebella@hotmail.co.uk

1. Do you think the portrayal of homosexuals and bisexuals in soap operas has changed over time and how?
2. Do you think homosexual and bisexual individuals have a negative or positive portrayal in soap operas?
3. What stereotype (if any) do you think these individuals are given?

I’ll add a fourth question of my own:

4. Do you think there are enough LGBT people represented in soap operas?  And do they accurately represent real LGBT people’s lives and issues?

We look forward to your responses.

When the gay & bisexual community talks about the HIV epidemic, they talk about it in past tense. They talk about it as something which plagued the gay & bisexual community during the 80’s and early 90’s. Claiming the lives of countless friends, sons and loved ones.

At the time conservative hard-liners cackled with glee at this gay-plague which in their mind was cleansing society of the sodomites. Meanwhile we watched with sadness and despair as our friends battled with and died from a disease that society didn’t seem to care about.

25 years on and the world is a very different place. In the western world we understand very well how HIV is transmitted, that it isn’t just a risk for gays and bisexuals but for the whole world. Anti-retroviral treatments (where available) have proved effective in prolonging both the duration and quality of life of those suffering from HIV.

Yet we have become complacent.

HIV epidemics are springing up the world over and infection rates are continuing to soar. This is particularly true in Africa, (where the Pope has recently reiterated the Catholic Church’s shameful opposition to condom use) but epidemics are not limited to developing countries. Washington DC has just reported that 3% of over 12’s are infected with HIV/AIDS. This puts the US capital on a par with Uganda for HIV/AIDS infection rates.

Everyone who is sexually active has a duty to behave responsibly. To be aware and to consider the possibility that they or the person who they are sleeping with might carry the virus. This is irrespective of your sexual orientation, though we have to acknowledge that those of us who regularly engage in unprotected anal sex are most at risk.

Remember whilst HIV is no-longer the death sentence it was in the 1980’s. Living with HIV is not easy. The slightest infection, even a common cold can complicate itself into a life threatening condition.

Still, there is hope. Whilst where antiretroviral therapies are available, such as in the UK. A person diagnosed with HIV aged 20 can expect to live another 49 years. Not bad when you consider average life expectancy in the UK is 80. However, this statistic only holds true for those who have their HIV infection diagnosed early, not for those who remain oblivious to their HIV status for years.

The solution:- get tested – know your status. You stand the best chance of living a long and healthy life that way.

Meanwhile in Africa where antiretroviral drugs are not freely available, people are dying needlessly and the epidemic is getting worse.

Bi the Way has described why bi men can look gay to those who know them.  I won’t restate what Bi the Way has already written, but I want to briefly show how homophobia, media portrayals, and bi writing itself conspire to make bisexuality look like a ruse.  Understanding how the myth works can help us respond to the bi equivalent of “you just haven’t met the right girl.”

Many in the straight world think all queers look alike, and bisexuality appears as a shade of gay.  Straight-centred folk may overlook the occasional bi-curious experiment, but they seem to think sustained same-sex desire happens only for those who don’t fully enjoy the other sex – like a conflicted man using women to mask an overwhelming hunger for a forbidden fruit.  Thus a man’s same-sex attraction looks real, while his opposite-sex feelings look false.  If same-sex taboos ever disappear, it won’t matter which – if any – sex we like “best.”  Until then, monosexual people may have a hard time understanding that bi people can and do form stable relationships with either sex.

As every journalist knows, stability puts an audience to sleep.  As a result, the press portrays bisexuality as a carnival of crisis:  A politician’s career disintegrates in the wake of a gay sex scandal.  Tearful talk-show wives reveal husbands’ betrayal “on the down-low.”  A friend of a friend divorces a woman who claims she’s living a lie.  Thus bisexuality starts to look like the delusion of a closet queer trying to squeeze into a straight jacket.  If a silent majority of bisexuals lead stable, ordinary lives, neither they nor the media feels motivated to show it.  That leaves bisexuals with the responsibility of showing the world accurate portrayals of bi existence.

While pop culture sensationalises bisexuality, our own writing often makes our same-sex desire seem most important.  I see no way around this – what’s the point of discussing bisexuality if not to discuss our same-sex attraction?  Nevertheless, readers who see us write mainly on same-sex topics may assume we’re just gays playing games.  We can’t help what we must discuss, but if we recognize the rainbow effect in bisexual discourse, we can better confront doubts about our other-sex attractions.

Who cares what others think?  Unfortunately, opinions affect lives.  Finding and maintaining a relationship gets tricky when potential partners think bi means gay-lite.  Debates about whether bisexuality exists make it hard for emerging bisexuals to understand their own feelings.  So we can smile and say “possibly” when someone claims that bi men and women will “both be having sex with men five years from now,”* but when we speak up against misinformation, we’re helping ourselves and others like us.

Tiresias

* Stephanie Fairyington discusses this old joke in “Bisexuality and the Case Against Dualism.”  The Gay & Lesbian Review Worldwide 12.4 (2005).  Fairyington’s piece deals sympathetically with bisexual issues.

I wrote last time that I’m closeted.  It’s not that I haven’t told anyone, but not everyone I’ve told believes me.  Yesterday, a friend claimed I’m just like her: straight but not afraid to cross the gender barrier.  Meanwhile, my wife insists that I’m just curious.  Thus I remain to others curiously straight, and to insist on the B word brings more trouble than it’s worth.  But I clearly get something out of my bi identity, or I wouldn’t be writing here.

Not everyone curious about same-sex eroticism identifies as bisexual, why me?  Because I long ago broke the bi barrier.  I don’t know what turns bi-curiosity into a certainty, but calling it curiosity eventually sounds ridiculous.  Since before puberty, I’ve felt drawn to people across the gendered spectrum.  I’ve found my feelings confirmed time after time.  Acknowledging my bisexuality validates what I feel, while calling it curiosity feels like evasion.

Bisexuality doesn’t affect my driving habits, my digestion, or when my bills are due.  Aside from rare arguments on the topic, my marriage does not suffer for my sexual orientation.  I’m as faithful as a Jane Austen hero, but my straight-ish life hardly benefits from a label no Victorian could speak by name.  If external details of my life offer no incentive to come out, my inward life cries out for it.

Most of us grow up presumed straight until “proven” gay, and it may take years to realize that neither label really fits.  Some people reject all sexual-identity labels as too confining, but rejecting labels nullifies my feelings worse than biphobia itself.  I want to describe how I feel, not obscure it.  A bisexual identity can be difficult to maintain because, unless I date both sexes at once (which hasn’t happened and won’t), people will use my current relationship to define my sexuality.  Thus, we bisexuals must assert ourselves or live like double agents with one side always in the closet.

So this post has been all about explaining what I get out of calling myself bisexual.  It may not make sense to come out always and everywhere, but the slightest bi-related act – such as posting here -  brings rewards.  I don’t get a sexual smorgasbord, an open marriage, or a lavender Volkswagen convertible.  I just get peace of mind.

Tiresias

This is a late call for signatures for a “10 Downing Street” web site petition to call on the British government to stop deporting LGBT asylum seekers to countries where they may be imprisioned, tortured or executed because of their sexuality.

The petition reads:

“We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to stop deporting gays and lesbians to countries where they may be imprisoned, tortured or executed because of their sexuality.”

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Stopdeportinggay/

It would have been nice if the petition had included bisexuals, but the point is still well made.

The petition is open to British Citizen, including expatriates as well people of any Nationality who are resident in the UK. The petition closes on March 7th. There are over 4,500 signatures so far.

So please do follow this link and sign the petition on-line.

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Stopdeportinggay/

Bitheway.co.uk is open to many voices and we’ve invited contributors from across the world to share their views, opinions and experiences of bisexuality with our community. Up first is a piece by Tiresias an English Literature Major from Oklahoma in the American Mid-west. In his first piece Tiresias discusses what inspires him to write about bisexual issues…

Truth Will Out
I am bisexual, married, and closeted.  Currently, bisexuality comprises 95% of my private writing because I can share with others nearly everything else.  If I can share my bi thoughts, maybe that will clear my private mind for fiction, politics, and other topics

Ungated Community
Keeping bisexuality locked in my private, encrypted journal does not promote emotional health.  Reading bi material makes me feel empowered and relieved to learn I’m not alone.  Sharing my thoughts online could help others break the illusion of isolation.

Large Disproportions
Gay & lesbian bloggers abound, and while many of them seem open to bisexuals, they understandably do not focus on what makes bisexuality different. Sex researchers like Kinsey and Klein argue that most people’s sexual radar falls somewhere between the gendered extremes; yet Internet search hits can make bisexuality look like the specialty kink of a rare breed.  Bi blogging can help readers better understand the “other” sexuality.

Woman Wide Web
Most bi blogs I’ve found focus on bisexual women.  Bi women’s blogs benefit us all, but the blogosphere needs bi men too.  Bisexuals of all genders share common concerns, but men and women also have gender-specific concerns, and we can’t expect women to tackle men’s issues for us.  The blogging world is not virgin territory for the bisexual man.  I don’t know that I’ll cover topics others don’t do already, but that’s not the point.  This is not a competition, but a show of hands.  The more bi bloggers exist, the more visible bisexuality becomes.

Approaching Normal
It’s no secret that the general public sees queer identity in sexualized terms.  If I’m bi (so general wisdom goes), that means I can never be satisfied with just one partner.  In the way I experience bisexuality, men are no different from women other than my wife: often cute, but no excuse for infidelity.  I believe most of us bi married men lead quietly monogamous lives, and even I’m wrong, we all benefit from snapshots of queer monogamy.

Keeping My Religion
Religion has been the tool of political opportunists and homophobic bigots for so long that many queer people tune out at the first mention of it.  Nevertheless, a blog by a woman who calls herself a “closeted pastor” inspired me to consider blogging bisexually.  Not all religious expression sounds like the shrill voices on TV.

The Usual Suspects
Any meaningful discussion of bisexuality will come across myths that cry out for response.  I’ve read many good “bi education” pamphlets that tackle familiar myths, but as the major media outlets demonstrate, repetition lends credibility.  That’s bad when a government alleges weapons of mass destruction, but it’s good when you’re trying to humanize a group many see only through celebrity sensationalism.

Now I’m at the end of my first post, and it feels good to get this out.  Openness can be liberating.  As Anaïs Nin wrote in her poem Risk:

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to blossom.

I look forward to sharing with you.

Tiresias

I get an increasing number of emails from distraught women who have just found out their boyfriend or husband is bisexual. For some this obviously creates issues for their relationship, but for most the biggest issue seems to be that their boyfriend won’t talk about his bisexuality with them.

I feel for these women, because they genuinely do love their boyfriends and they do have valid questions they need to ask and get answers to. But their men won’t talk to them. Why not?

My theory is that a lot of men are still closet about their bisexuality and feel uncomfortable talking about with people who know them as straight. The anonymity of dating web sites, message boards and text services allows them to express their bisexuality in a relatively safe environment which won’t impact on their otherwise straight lives. This provides an outlet for their bisexuality without presenting the problem of gaining acceptance from friends and loved ones.

But even after these guys have come out (or been found out), they refuse to discuss their bisexuality, perhaps they feel it emasculates them? Or perhaps they just want to keep it private and separate from their heterosexual love lives?

I’d like to hear from guys in this situation to find out exactly why. But know that silence is not a good thing, not once you are out to your girlfriend, it confuses them. If you refuse to speak to them about it, they immediately worry that you are going to leave them for a man.

Equally, guys I know that you worry, that once your girl knows about your bisexuality, she is going to leave you. But invariably she just wants to understand. Its when she doesn’t fully understand, when she’s uncertain and when she feels you aren’t being 100% honest an open with her that she is in danger of leaving you. So boys please when it comes to your girlfriends, don’t hold back, your girl needs to know.

The Pope’s end of year address has angered LGBT groups as Pope Benedict XVI made a clear rejection of Gender Theory. Gender theory explores sexual orientation and the roles assigned to individuals by society according to gender.

The address follows the Vatican’s refusal to endorse a UN sponsored universal declaration to decriminalize homosexuality. And is the latest in a number of anti-gay statements from the Roman Catholic Church. To quote from the pope’s address:

“We need something like human ecology, meant in the right way. The Church speaks of human nature as ‘man’ or ‘woman’ and asks that this order is respected.”

This belies the Pontiff’s preference for “traditional” gender roles and with it heterosexual relations. In fact the statement goes further. In asking that this traditional male-female world vision is respected, he is actively opposing, both equal opportunities for men and women and same-sex relationships.

Pope Benedict goes on to explicitly oppose the individuals right to self-identify, not just their gender, but their gender’s role in society.

“What is often expressed and signified with the word ‘gender’ leads to the human auto-emancipation from creation and from the Creator. The human being wants to make himself on his own and to decide always and exclusively by himself about what concerns him.

“But, in so doing, the human being lives against the truth and against the Spirit creator. Rain forests deserve, yes, our protection but the human being – as a creature which contains a message that is not in contradiction with his freedom but is the condition of his freedom – does not deserve it less.”

This extract of the speech closes with the (un)holy father suggesting that people who want to adopt a “non-standard” gender role need saving from themselves. Once again the Catholic Church is trying to exert mass mind control, suggesting first that adopting non-traditional gender roles is counter productive and second that as individuals we shouldn’t have the right to decide our path for ourselves.

These must rank as some of the most autocratic utterances to come out of the Vatican since the Inquisition.

Naturally LBGT groups have reacted with outrage, but I’m surprised there hasn’t been a bigger response from women’s groups. It would seem that as well as his objection to same-sex relationships, Herr Ratzinger wants all women to go back to being birthing machines as proscribed by the old testament.

My first reaction is “This man needs to be stopped!”, but on reflection, the Pope is the architect of the church’s downfall. Whilst this type of rhetoric might appeal to die-hard conservatives, it will cause the majority of free thinking Catholics will begin to question whether the path to god lies with this man.

Photo Credit: Janusz Stachoń
License: Creative CommonsAttribution ShareAlike 2.5

A recently tabled resolution put before the United Nations aimed at decriminalising homosexuality and explicitly extending the universal declaration of human rights to include protection against discrimination, persecution and imprisonment based on sexual orientation has split the UN.

The resolution sponsored by France and The Netherlands was backed by 66 nations including the UK, but was opposed by 60 member states. The bulk of the opposition came from African and Arab States and of course the Vatican. The United States of America were the only major western country not to explicitly back the resolution.

It would seem that much of the world is not yet ready to accept lesbian, gay or bisexual orientations and  wishes to continue to discriminate against us. Homosexuality is still illegal in some 80 countries and homosexual acts between men still carry the death penalty in Saudi Arabi and Iran.

Countries opposing the resolution claimed that legalising homosexuality would “normalise paedophilia”. I don’t know about you, but I’m spitting nails at that statement!

Photo Credit: Steve Cadman – Creative Commons Share-alike Attributiion

There’s been a flurry of activity on my post “How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend“, for obvious reasons this is attracting comments from women, who have just discovered or at least suspect that their boyfriend is bisexual. Whist obviously this is a difficult thing for anyone to deal with, I have to admit to been a little amused by the almost 50:50 split between those that say: “At least if he’s interested in men I don’t have to worry about him running off with another woman” and those that say “Great! Now I’ve got to be jealous of men as well as other women.”

What wonderfully flawed female logic this is.

The first group seem to be confusing being bisexual with being gay, assuming they are the special person keeping us straight. The second group seem to confusing being bisexual with being a man-slut and must have a pretty low opinion of themselves if they are so jealous of everyone.

I think though what this illustrates (and guys take note) is that women want us to make them feel special. The first group by equating our bisexuality to homosexuality have already singled themselves out a special, in their eyes they are now the only girl we have eyes for. Truth is we probably never had eyes for anyone else before we came-out, but try convincing her of that before she assumed you were gay. But at least now when she catches you eyeing up a passing skirt you can plausibly claim that you just liked her dress.

Actually there is perhaps more logic to this I’m giving credit for. She’s probably hoping that you’ll burn off the excess sexual energy that women seem to assume men have by shagging other blokes, and as such, she doesn’t have to worry about you having a fling with another girl. What this does though is effectively grants us a license to go out and sleep with as many men as we like provided we return to her arms for our female pleasures. As this will suit most straight-leaning bisexuals, my advice: don’t dispel the myth, let her feel special.

The other women, the ones that are now jealous of everyone. Have some serious self-esteem issues, and I’m sorry, but you as her boyfriend are probably partly to blame for that. No-one who’s gone before you, not family, friends or previous boyfriends has taken the time to make this girl feel special and you haven’t made a big enough effort to convince her you’re not like all the other jerks. So you really have your work cut out.

The truth is most guys do love their wives or girlfriends, we’re just not always very good at showing it. This is really because men’s brains are wired differently to women’s and we don’t see the point of romantic gestures like buying flowers or little courtesies like not leaving the toilet seat up. But to a woman these things tell them that her man is thinking about her and that makes her feel special.

And that my friends, is the secret to a successful relationship. Make your girl realise just how special she is to you.

OK, now when I next get myself hitched, will someone tell me to re-read this post for myself?