Bi The Way

You think people get it, then realise they really don’t understand bisexuality at all. Even my brother, who was the first person I came out to and explained things to properly still seemed to miss the point.

Recently I’ve been dating a girl “V” and I explained to him that it felt a little strange to be in a relationship again after such a long time been single. And he turns around and asks me “Doesn’t being a relationship with a girl conflict with your sexuality?”

I was a little surprised and for a brief moment I wondered if he only expected me to date hermaphrodites. So I asked him to clarify what it meant?

“Well,” he says, “seen as you are bisexual, don’t you want to date men as well?”

Ah - Once again I have to explain the concept of the Alternating Bisexual. I’m almost sick of blogging about this but its a recurring theme. So can I just explain once again that I don’t need a man AND a women to make me happy, as a bisexual I can simply be happy with a man OR a women.

Its not a difficult concept to grasp, why do people have such trouble with it?

Well it looks like I’m about to fulfil a bisexual stereotype. I’ve finally organised a second date with the girl I met last week, let’s call her “V” and although I’m probably going to enjoy her company tonight, I really don’t have much interest in taking her home and falling into bed with her. In fact to be honest, the prospect of straight sex is not a turn on for me at all right now. (Yeah I know I’m swinging again, my “straight-streak” has ended.)

Its not her, its just that the past two days I’ve found myself far more turned on by the thought of bedding a guy than a girl. Well it is her, in a way, she cancelled and re-scheduled so many times, that I started to wonder whether or not she was really interested. I was also reminded how much easier it can be to understand men than women.

My last girlfriend played little games, like cancelling a date to see if I would chase her for a follow-up and I started to wonder if “V” was doing the same. Its pretty tiresome as you plan your week around a date, decline invites from mates then when she cancels you wind up doing sod all by yourself. My experience with guys isn’t broad enough to say that men don’t play these silly little games, only that I’ve never been close to a guy that did. This realisation is ultimately what ended my straight-streak.

So I’m once again yo-yoing and about to fulfill the bisexual stereotype that we can’t be happy just shagging one person, we are always looking accross the other side of the fence. Of course this isn’t true, it just looks that way, because I’ve been irritated and frustrated by trying to land this second date with “V”.

To follow up on my previous post about “Enduring a Straight Streak“, to add to the confusion, I met someone last night - a girl - a woman in fact. We seemed to hit it off and I hope it will develop into something. But if it does, where does that leave me as a bisexual commentator?

I know its kind of stupid thing to be thinking, but I find it much easier to write about bisexuality and as a bisexual when I find my attractions are fluid. When my affections become focussed on someone, particular a woman, I feel like a bit of fraud talking about bisexuality. I’m not sure it would bother me so much if I got into a relationship with a guy, probably because gay and bisexual issues tend to overlap to a greater or lesser extent.

Like I say, this a really stupid thing to be thinking because I always knew it would happen, after all I’ve already said I’m an alternating bisexual, so when I did get myself back into a relationship, my bisexuality was going to become invisible again.

And in some ways this invisibility effect is worsened by a relationship with a girl. You see, if I rolled up with a boyfriend in tow, people would probably remark “Oh, I didn’t know David was Gay” - there’d then be an opportunity to correct them and say “well actually I’m bi - I just happen to be dating a guy at the moment”. In contrast, you turn up with your girlfriend and everyone thinks that’s normal and unremarkable.

Anyway, forgive the lack of structure to this rather poorly composed ramble of thoughts, I’m getting ahead of myself anyway, before I start worry about what a relationship will do to my bi-vissibility I really ought to secure that second date.

The alternating bisexual is a rare breed, or so it seems, as I’ve come across very few, certainly amongst men. For the uninitiated, the alternating bisexual is the person who has the capacity to fall in love with either men or women, but chooses only one partner at a time and is usually monogamous.

One relationship might be heterosexual,  and then after that relationship ends, the next relationship might be homosexual, after that ends they may revert to a straight relationship. Though in theory the alternating bisexual can settle down with a partner for life and no-one would ever know they were bisexual, they’d just assume they were straight or gay depending on their current choice of partner (though that could also be said of a lot of bisexuals who tend not to flaunt secondary partners).

I would generally describe myself as an alternating bisexual, mostly because I wouldn’t want my partner to be sleeping with other people and consequently I would do them the same courtesy. I just don’t get the need for multiple partners, one at a time is enough work! An just to dispel another bisexual myth, I don’t have a burning desire for sex with a guy AND sex with a woman. I just have a burning desire for sex. LOL!

No seriously, my sex drive is pretty moderate, it revolves around love making rather than just getting off. Hell I can do that myself! I’m far more into foreplay and oral than I am into penetrative sex, though granted I won’t say no. But equally I don’t need a penis or a vagina to make me happy. I fall in love with the person, not what does or doesn’t dangle between their legs.

Why post about this? Well, frankly I’m pissed off that just because I say I’m bisexual, people assume I’m incapable of entering into a loving monogamous relationship. I think its partly because I’m a guy and it’s assumed we want to play the field anyway, so if you are bisexual, then its somehow assumed that you want to play the field with both genders. Worse its assumed that you’ll never be satisfied having sex with just one woman and that you’ll always desire a man, or vice versa.

Well I kinda desire a man at the moment because I’m pissed off with women. But it would be wrong of me to judge the entire female gender on the basis of my recent experiences with woman and their reaction to my bisexuality. So I’m still technically keeping my options open. And as I’m predominantly attracted to women, the odds are still stacked in favour of my next relationship being heterosexual.

So if there are any sexy, well-adjusted men out there get your bids in quick. *grin* I don’t plan to be available for long.

How gay are you feeling today? Odd question to ask I suppose, but as a bisexual guy, I often find myself having “gay days”. Periods when I am almost exclusively attracted to men, when my fantasies are almost exclusively homosexual and I seem to be completely ignoring women. Then bang! I spot a girl I like and I’m back to hetero mode.

Mostly though I find I have a roughly 1 in 10 mix. That is to say that for every 10 people I find myself attracted to, nine of them are women and one of them is a guy. So these “gay days” are a source of some bemusement, I guess because of their statistical improbability as much as anything. However, I think it illustrates a point that a lot of bisexuals have been making, namely that sexuality and sexual attraction is a continuum rather than a constant. That our sexuality is more fluid than we may think.

I’ll admit I’m yo-yo-ing a bit at the moment and it’ll be somewhat less confusing when things settle down or at least when I learn to stop worrying about it. That’s probably the crux of it, to relax, sit back and say: “I’m attracted to him, him, her and him.” and not really worry about what gender has to do with it.

Until then though I guess the hormones will keep firing in all directions.

From 6 June until 17 June I’m away on a hiking holiday. I’m off to the Knoydart Peninsula in remote western Scotland where I hope to get away from the rat race for a few days, then its on to Fort William where I hope to spend a couple of days relaxing before climbing Ben Nevis.

I’ve scheduled a couple of posts to be published whilst I’m away, but obviously I won’t be publishing as frequently as usual for a couple of weeks. Anyway, please don’t think I’ve abandoned the Blog. Keep reading and check back regularly.

See you in a couple of weeks.

Sometimes, I suffer for my sexuality. You won’t believe it, but I just had a request to use one of my photographs (yes I’m an amateur photographer) as part of the cover design for a new David Wilkerson book. And I turned it down.

For those of you who don’t know him David Wilkerson is an evangelical preacher who has written at least 9 books I know of, the most famous being the The Cross and the Switchblade. He is also the founder of The Times Square Church in New York City. Wilkerson runs a prophetic ministry and he believes that greater acceptance of homosexuality in society and within the church will spell disaster for America and the world.

In spite of being a bigot and a homophobe, Wilkerson’s books sell millions of copies. If my photo was to be used I’m sure I could have commanded a small fee to say the least. From what I understand market price for a cover photo is about £500. Even a credit line for a cover-photo would have been gold dust, what better way to launch a new career than to have your photo used on the cover of a bestseller?

But fuck that, I’ve got principals, I’m not going to sell out to the Christian Right by having my work adorning the cover of yet another book that tells me my sexuality is sinful. Even though I really could use the money.

Anyway, I include a low-res copy of the photo in this post. Its a photo of the Chrysler building in New York. Personally I think I have two better shots than this one, but if anyone is interested in using it as a cover shot on a book that doesn’t promote a socially conservative Christian agenda, then I’d be happy to give you a discounted rate.

PS: Photo is copyright me (c) David Parkes 2005 All rights reserved.

I identify myself as bisexual, though I fully expect that the following revelation will lead to a lot of people questioning my self-identification. You see whilst I’ve had sex with several female partners, I’ve yet to have sex with a guy.

Bombshell? Perhaps not, I suppose that a lot of people would simply consider me ‘bi-curious’ rather than ‘bisexual’, but I’d disagree and here’s why:

A straight virgin is still straight. It doesn’t matter that he’s never had sex with anyone. He’s still straight. Agreed?

You see, to my mind, sexuality is about who or what you are attracted to, not where you put your dick.

I know I have the capacity to be attracted to either gender, and I don’t need to prove that attraction by having sex with everyone I date. I’m certainly not going to feel pressured into proving my bisexuality by heading out to the local gay-cruise zone just to get myself laid.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m keen to explore homosexual relationships, but only with the right person. I’m not going to jump into bed with the first guy I meet… Well I might, but if I do, it’ll be because we share a deep emotional understanding, not because I’m desperate to pop my anal cherry.

I’m bisexual, I’m confident and comfortable with that label and I’m happy to claim it, because I know I find myself attracted to both men and women. That alone makes me bisexual. I reject the bi-curious label because that implies a degree of uncertainty on my part, and I’m not in the slightest bit uncertain about my feelings.

I’m just waiting for the right guy… or girl for that matter.

OMG - Why are all the best looking guys straight? I’ve just spent the last hour drooling over some photos published by two of my “friends” on Facebook. I won’t say which, because it’ll embarrass them, but they are both hotter than a Moroccan sunset!

OK - one of them I know is a bit of a twat, so even if getting with him was an option (its not because he’s straight) then I’d pass anyway, but still - they must want people to look right?

Right?

Footnote: Why don’t the girl’s publish such horny pictures? I guess because when a guy publishes a sexy photo and he’s being a stud, a girl does it and she’s been a slut - go figure.

For a lot of people, coming out as bisexual is a largely positive experience. For me I thinking coming out was ultimately a good thing, however the method of my coming out was an absolute disaster. So I’m going to share with you here the story of the “worst coming out ever” - I can just hear Comic-Book-Guy from the Simpsons introducing it.

I never had a particularly close relationship with my father and if I’m honest, I’ve resented him for years. Nothing I ever did or achieved ever seemed to earn his approval or appreciation. Sadly, my father is the kind of man who is completely ambivalent to the feelings of others and often steams through situations without seeming to notice that he’s pissing people off. As a result I suffered years of major depression in my late teens and early twenties and I’ve never forgiven him for dismissing my depressive illness as something I should simply “snap out of” and “stop worrying my mum about”.

With this in mind its easy to see I have a lot of unresolved anger with my father, which I hope in some way mitigates, though does not excuse what I am about to share with you.

It was over diner with my parents and the discussion had somehow turned to the issue of Gay Adoption. An emotive issue which can draw strong opinions from both sides, most of them well reasoned and without overt prejudice, however, my father had his view and was determined to air it.

“We all know Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual people corrupt children and shouldn’t be allowed near them.”

This was my fathers view. His honest to god, bigoted, ill-informed view. I was livid.

He didn’t know I was bisexual. Would he still have held this view if he’d known? I don’t know. But he’d effectively just called me a paedophile, someone who isn’t safe to be allowed near children and I saw red.

I went for him. I dragged him out of his chair, threw him against the wall, came out as bisexual there and then before punching him out cold, breaking my hand in the process.

It took the bastard 3 whole minutes to come around. It scared me shitless, I thought I’d killed him. There was a lot more than just the anger and provocation of being called a paedophile behind my outburst, there was years of repressed anger which just came out with this catalyst.

It really was the wrong way to deal with the situation, but I wasn’t in control, I’d lost it big style and in the heat of the moment, I’d come out. I’d blown by biggest, most personal secret wide open.

This leaves you with a whole host of other issues to deal with. When you come out in such dramatic style there is no-way you can just crawl back into the closet. Fortunately, whilst my family reacted in horror at me knocking my old man out cold, with the exception of my father, once they got over my moment of madness, they reacted with compassion and understanding towards my sexuality. Best of all my friends have been great, with many of them being really encouraging.

Still my relationship with my father is effectively over, neither of us wants to see or speak to the other. And this really isn’t a good way to come out. Its far better to do it calmly on a quiet day where there are no other distractions so the focus of everyone’s attention can be on understanding what you have to say and supporting you through it.

Punch someone’s lights out and everyone’s fussing over the person lying bleeding on the floor, you’re left alone to wallow away in your own personal agony. Believe me, sitting waiting in the Emergency Room whilst your hand is X-Rayed and immobilised, replaying the last hour of your life over and over again like some nightmare version of Ground Hog day is not an experience I can recommend.