Bi The Way

Bitheway.co.uk is open to many voices and we’ve invited contributors from across the world to share their views, opinions and experiences of bisexuality with our community. Up first is a piece by Tiresias an English Literature Major from Oklahoma in the American Mid-west. In his first piece Tiresias discusses what inspires him to write about bisexual issues…

Truth Will Out
I am bisexual, married, and closeted.  Currently, bisexuality comprises 95% of my private writing because I can share with others nearly everything else.  If I can share my bi thoughts, maybe that will clear my private mind for fiction, politics, and other topics

Ungated Community
Keeping bisexuality locked in my private, encrypted journal does not promote emotional health.  Reading bi material makes me feel empowered and relieved to learn I’m not alone.  Sharing my thoughts online could help others break the illusion of isolation.

Large Disproportions
Gay & lesbian bloggers abound, and while many of them seem open to bisexuals, they understandably do not focus on what makes bisexuality different. Sex researchers like Kinsey and Klein argue that most people’s sexual radar falls somewhere between the gendered extremes; yet Internet search hits can make bisexuality look like the specialty kink of a rare breed.  Bi blogging can help readers better understand the “other” sexuality.

Woman Wide Web
Most bi blogs I’ve found focus on bisexual women.  Bi women’s blogs benefit us all, but the blogosphere needs bi men too.  Bisexuals of all genders share common concerns, but men and women also have gender-specific concerns, and we can’t expect women to tackle men’s issues for us.  The blogging world is not virgin territory for the bisexual man.  I don’t know that I’ll cover topics others don’t do already, but that’s not the point.  This is not a competition, but a show of hands.  The more bi bloggers exist, the more visible bisexuality becomes.

Approaching Normal
It’s no secret that the general public sees queer identity in sexualized terms.  If I’m bi (so general wisdom goes), that means I can never be satisfied with just one partner.  In the way I experience bisexuality, men are no different from women other than my wife: often cute, but no excuse for infidelity.  I believe most of us bi married men lead quietly monogamous lives, and even I’m wrong, we all benefit from snapshots of queer monogamy.

Keeping My Religion
Religion has been the tool of political opportunists and homophobic bigots for so long that many queer people tune out at the first mention of it.  Nevertheless, a blog by a woman who calls herself a “closeted pastor” inspired me to consider blogging bisexually.  Not all religious expression sounds like the shrill voices on TV.

The Usual Suspects
Any meaningful discussion of bisexuality will come across myths that cry out for response.  I’ve read many good “bi education” pamphlets that tackle familiar myths, but as the major media outlets demonstrate, repetition lends credibility.  That’s bad when a government alleges weapons of mass destruction, but it’s good when you’re trying to humanize a group many see only through celebrity sensationalism.

Now I’m at the end of my first post, and it feels good to get this out.  Openness can be liberating.  As Anaïs Nin wrote in her poem Risk:

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to blossom.

I look forward to sharing with you.

Tiresias

Recently I’ve been wondering if I might actually be asexual rather than bisexual. You see, my physical and emotional attraction to people of both sexes still remains, but my sex-life has once again ground to a halt. In fact its gotten so bad I actually went and looked up the definition of asexuality to see if I really was.

Whilst can’t say I’m inundated with requests, I know I can head down to my local gay cruise zone and get myself a man almost any night of the week, I’m still young enough to be considered a decent score by any of the middle aged German tourists we’ve got hanging around. But with all due respect, that feels like prostituting myself and I’m not in that game. Not yet…

On the female front things are not looking much better. I split up with my last girlfriend months ago. I ended it. I said at the time it was because I didn’t want get anyone’s hopes up on a relationship that I could see had no chance of becoming permanent, but looking back it had just as much to do with my sexual apathy.

Still I should probably draw a line before calling myself asexual because I still am interested in having sex and I still respond to sexual partners when I chose to have them (and they choose to have me). I just don’t have a burning desire to get laid every night. Or even every week for that matter.

Maybe my sex-drive has waned because I’m suffering from another bout depression, maybe its because I  really don’t want the complications of a relationship at the moment and I have a natural aversion to one night stands.

Honestly? I’m not sure, but its getting hard to blog about sexuality when I’m currently not having sex. As a borderline asexual, I feel somewhat like a fraud. Though at least I might dispel the myth that all bisexuals are sex-crazed nymphomaniacs.

I’d been seeing this girl “V” for about a month, we’d had some good times but I decided to end it before we got too involved. We got on well and were a pretty good fit, but not close enough to make things permanent. So rather than let us both get in too deep only to endure a messy break-up later, I decided to pour water on things now before they got carried away.

To a certain extent this was a shame because during our last date, I’d told her I was bisexual and (after a little explaining) she was quite cool about it. Still its going to look like my bisexuality was a factor in the break-up and it wasn’t. Its just that I can’t stand to really hurt someone by sleep-walking through a relationship I know won’t go anywhere.

This might sound a little ego-centric, and I don’t get involved with people that often, but when I do, people really seem to fall for me hard. Though I’m not 100% sure why!

OK I look young for my age, I run my own business, I’m mortgage free and after years of therapy I’m pretty together emotionally, but I’m not sure why people seem to fall for me so hard. Maybe its my larger than average Willie - who knows, but I think one of the reasons I avoid getting involved is that I know I’m such a fussy bastard and I hate hurting people by rejecting them when they are very clearly (body, mind and soul) into me.

More likely, I’m not such a stud and I just wind up dating insecure people, who can’t believe anyone might see past the fact they are too fat, too thin, too [insert personal hang-up here] to find them attractive and they fall for me because I’m the first person they’ve met who has obviously looked past that. Either way it makes me feel like a jerk when I break up with someone.

Ultimately I ended this relationship, because fitting in with “V”’s lifestyle was too much for me. I couldn’t deal with the late nights and the hangovers. Basically, I was having to make time for her at the expense of my very active lifestyle and my love of the outdoors. Something I really wasn’t prepared to compromise. My next date is going to have to be a very fit, active, outdoors lover just like me, or it simply won’t work. Though don’t get me wrong I love a good meal in a nice restaurant, at least “V” and I shared that.

You think people get it, then realise they really don’t understand bisexuality at all. Even my brother, who was the first person I came out to and explained things to properly still seemed to miss the point.

Recently I’ve been dating a girl “V” and I explained to him that it felt a little strange to be in a relationship again after such a long time being single. And he turns around and asks me “Doesn’t being a relationship with a girl conflict with your sexuality?”

I was a little surprised and for a brief moment I wondered if he only expected me to date hermaphrodites. So I asked him to clarify what it meant?

“Well,” he says, “seen as you are bisexual, don’t you want to date men as well?”

Ah - Once again I have to explain the concept of the Alternating Bisexual. I’m almost sick of blogging about this but its a recurring theme. So can I just explain once again that I don’t need a man AND a women to make me happy, as a bisexual I can simply be happy with a man OR a women.

Its not a difficult concept to grasp, why do people have such trouble with it?

Well it looks like I’m about to fulfil a bisexual stereotype. I’ve finally organised a second date with the girl I met last week, let’s call her “V” and although I’m probably going to enjoy her company tonight, I really don’t have much interest in taking her home and falling into bed with her. In fact to be honest, the prospect of straight sex is not a turn on for me at all right now. (Yeah I know I’m swinging again, my “straight-streak” has ended.)

Its not her, its just that the past two days I’ve found myself far more turned on by the thought of bedding a guy than a girl. Well it is her, in a way, she cancelled and re-scheduled so many times, that I started to wonder whether or not she was really interested. I was also reminded how much easier it can be to understand men than women.

My last girlfriend played little games, like cancelling a date to see if I would chase her for a follow-up and I started to wonder if “V” was doing the same. Its pretty tiresome as you plan your week around a date, decline invites from mates then when she cancels you wind up doing sod all by yourself. My experience with guys isn’t broad enough to say that men don’t play these silly little games, only that I’ve never been close to a guy that did. This realisation is ultimately what ended my straight-streak.

So I’m once again yo-yoing and about to fulfill the bisexual stereotype that we can’t be happy just shagging one person, we are always looking accross the other side of the fence. Of course this isn’t true, it just looks that way, because I’ve been irritated and frustrated by trying to land this second date with “V”.

To follow up on my previous post about “Enduring a Straight Streak“, to add to the confusion, I met someone last night - a girl - a woman in fact. We seemed to hit it off and I hope it will develop into something. But if it does, where does that leave me as a bisexual commentator?

I know its kind of stupid thing to be thinking, but I find it much easier to write about bisexuality and as a bisexual when I find my attractions are fluid. When my affections become focussed on someone, particular a woman, I feel like a bit of fraud talking about bisexuality. I’m not sure it would bother me so much if I got into a relationship with a guy, probably because gay and bisexual issues tend to overlap to a greater or lesser extent.

Like I say, this a really stupid thing to be thinking because I always knew it would happen, after all I’ve already said I’m an alternating bisexual, so when I did get myself back into a relationship, my bisexuality was going to become invisible again.

And in some ways this invisibility effect is worsened by a relationship with a girl. You see, if I rolled up with a boyfriend in tow, people would probably remark “Oh, I didn’t know David was Gay” - there’d then be an opportunity to correct them and say “well actually I’m bi - I just happen to be dating a guy at the moment”. In contrast, you turn up with your girlfriend and everyone thinks that’s normal and unremarkable.

Anyway, forgive the lack of structure to this rather poorly composed ramble of thoughts, I’m getting ahead of myself anyway, before I start worry about what a relationship will do to my bi-vissibility I really ought to secure that second date.

The alternating bisexual is a rare breed, or so it seems, as I’ve come across very few, certainly amongst men. For the uninitiated, the alternating bisexual is the person who has the capacity to fall in love with either men or women, but chooses only one partner at a time and is usually monogamous.

One relationship might be heterosexual,  and then after that relationship ends, the next relationship might be homosexual, after that ends they may revert to a straight relationship. Though in theory the alternating bisexual can settle down with a partner for life and no-one would ever know they were bisexual, they’d just assume they were straight or gay depending on their current choice of partner (though that could also be said of a lot of bisexuals who tend not to flaunt secondary partners).

I would generally describe myself as an alternating bisexual, mostly because I wouldn’t want my partner to be sleeping with other people and consequently I would do them the same courtesy. I just don’t get the need for multiple partners, one at a time is enough work! An just to dispel another bisexual myth, I don’t have a burning desire for sex with a guy AND sex with a woman. I just have a burning desire for sex. LOL!

No seriously, my sex drive is pretty moderate, it revolves around love making rather than just getting off. Hell I can do that myself! I’m far more into foreplay and oral than I am into penetrative sex, though granted I won’t say no. But equally I don’t need a penis or a vagina to make me happy. I fall in love with the person, not what does or doesn’t dangle between their legs.

Why post about this? Well, frankly I’m pissed off that just because I say I’m bisexual, people assume I’m incapable of entering into a loving monogamous relationship. I think its partly because I’m a guy and it’s assumed we want to play the field anyway, so if you are bisexual, then its somehow assumed that you want to play the field with both genders. Worse its assumed that you’ll never be satisfied having sex with just one woman and that you’ll always desire a man, or vice versa.

Well I kinda desire a man at the moment because I’m pissed off with women. But it would be wrong of me to judge the entire female gender on the basis of my recent experiences with woman and their reaction to my bisexuality. So I’m still technically keeping my options open. And as I’m predominantly attracted to women, the odds are still stacked in favour of my next relationship being heterosexual.

So if there are any sexy, well-adjusted men out there get your bids in quick. *grin* I don’t plan to be available for long.

How gay are you feeling today? Odd question to ask I suppose, but as a bisexual guy, I often find myself having “gay days”. Periods when I am almost exclusively attracted to men, when my fantasies are almost exclusively homosexual and I seem to be completely ignoring women. Then bang! I spot a girl I like and I’m back to hetero mode.

Mostly though I find I have a roughly 1 in 10 mix. That is to say that for every 10 people I find myself attracted to, nine of them are women and one of them is a guy. So these “gay days” are a source of some bemusement, I guess because of their statistical improbability as much as anything. However, I think it illustrates a point that a lot of bisexuals have been making, namely that sexuality and sexual attraction is a continuum rather than a constant. That our sexuality is more fluid than we may think.

I’ll admit I’m yo-yo-ing a bit at the moment and it’ll be somewhat less confusing when things settle down or at least when I learn to stop worrying about it. That’s probably the crux of it, to relax, sit back and say: “I’m attracted to him, him, her and him.” and not really worry about what gender has to do with it.

Until then though I guess the hormones will keep firing in all directions.

From 6 June until 17 June I’m away on a hiking holiday. I’m off to the Knoydart Peninsula in remote western Scotland where I hope to get away from the rat race for a few days, then its on to Fort William where I hope to spend a couple of days relaxing before climbing Ben Nevis.

I’ve scheduled a couple of posts to be published whilst I’m away, but obviously I won’t be publishing as frequently as usual for a couple of weeks. Anyway, please don’t think I’ve abandoned the Blog. Keep reading and check back regularly.

See you in a couple of weeks.

Sometimes, I suffer for my sexuality. You won’t believe it, but I just had a request to use one of my photographs (yes I’m an amateur photographer) as part of the cover design for a new David Wilkerson book. And I turned it down.

For those of you who don’t know him David Wilkerson is an evangelical preacher who has written at least 9 books I know of, the most famous being the The Cross and the Switchblade. He is also the founder of The Times Square Church in New York City. Wilkerson runs a prophetic ministry and he believes that greater acceptance of homosexuality in society and within the church will spell disaster for America and the world.

In spite of being a bigot and a homophobe, Wilkerson’s books sell millions of copies. If my photo was to be used I’m sure I could have commanded a small fee to say the least. From what I understand market price for a cover photo is about £500. Even a credit line for a cover-photo would have been gold dust, what better way to launch a new career than to have your photo used on the cover of a bestseller?

But fuck that, I’ve got principals, I’m not going to sell out to the Christian Right by having my work adorning the cover of yet another book that tells me my sexuality is sinful. Even though I really could use the money.

Anyway, I include a low-res copy of the photo in this post. Its a photo of the Chrysler building in New York. Personally I think I have two better shots than this one, but if anyone is interested in using it as a cover shot on a book that doesn’t promote a socially conservative Christian agenda, then I’d be happy to give you a discounted rate.

PS: Photo is copyright me (c) David Parkes 2005 All rights reserved.