Bi The Way

I guess I’m unusual in so much as I’m an out straight-leaning bisexual, there aren’t that many of us. Though by virtue of the internet, thankfully we can connect with others in the same boat and not feel quite so isolated. I wouldn’t like to say I’m proud of my sexuality, because that makes it sound like I think its better than anyone else’s, but I’m not ashamed of it either and I have pride in myself as rounded person. Fuck gay-pride, bi-pride or whatever, I have Dave-pride.

My sexuality isn’t something I feel a burning need to celebrate, its a characteristic, its part of me, not the whole person. I just get pissed off when people prejudice me because of it, hence the writing of this blog. Still I think its important to be out about your sexuality, I really do. The reason is lack of visibility, bisexuality cannot be taken seriously unless there are genuinely ‘out’ bisexuals prepared to stand-up and be counted. We are the collective beacon for everyone struggling to come to terms with their bisexuality in the face of societies expectation that we declare sides, straight or gay.

Still, whilst I’m out to anyone that asks, and I’ve specifically come out to my immediate family and close friends, further I’m out to anyone who has bothered to read my facebook profile, there are still some people I cannot bring myself to tell.

The first is my Nan, she’s 93 and desperate for me to make her a great-grandmother before she dies. My cousin has already made her a great-grandmother twice over, but he lives in Vancover Canada and she has never met her great-grandchildren, so in my Nan’s words, “this doesn’t really count.” If I told her I was bisexual this would crush her, because she’d assume I meant gay, and in her mind this would mean no great-grand-kids.

There’s no way I could explain this to her, because she’s so deaf she wouldn’t hear the pertinent details and I’m not sure she has the capacity to understand it anyway, not with a life so shaped by a strict Catholic upbringing.

The other person I who I haven’t told is another older friend, Ken is 78, I affectionally call him “my adopted granddad” as both my grandfathers have passed away, and he’s the only other over 75 I’m close to. We’re good mates and we have the kind of relationship I would have liked to have enjoyed with my grandfathers were they still alive. IE: We go-out for a beer, bite to eat and generally help each other out on our pet projects. Which generally involves me fixing problems with his computer and him giving me a lift when I find myself stranded somewhere. But I guess like a lot of people his age, Ken has opinions about the world having got worse as he’s gotten older. I’m sure that this is borne out of a resistance to change and it happens to us all, but I’m still the right side of 30 and I’m a progressive. I keep telling myself that when I’m in my 70’s, I’m still going to be a radical progressive. Its easy to say, but in all probability the world will have probably moved at a faster pace than I have and the chances are that I’ll become like Ken, convinced the world was a better place in ‘my day’.

When you get to know someone, you can normally determine the ‘age’ they settled in. The era when they felt the socio-political spectrum best fitted their sense of self, for me it was the mid-late 90’s. For my parents it was the early 70’s. For Ken it was the 50’s. During the 50’s there was very little acceptance of homosexuality (they still sent people to prison for buggery) and even the more progressive people of the day, (of which I’m sure my friend was one,) tolerated homosexual acts provided it was kept very firmly in the closet and out of view.

I could be doing him an injustice by not trusting him with my sexuality, but I fear that Ken, like my Nan probably doesn’t have the capacity to understand it without first battling with some inherent personal prejudice. Still, as far as our friendship goes, my sexuality is irrelevant, I’m single, I date occasionally but there are no serious relationships on the horizon and until they are and one of them is with a guy, there isn’t really anything to explain.

Still for now, as far as older people are concerned, I remain closeted. They are the one group I feel unable to come out to, even my football team (who I haven’t explcitly told) have access to my Facebook profile, but the older generation I find are the hardest to come out to.

Am I being unfair, misjudging them? Possibly, but I really don’t know how to broach the subject with the senior citizens in my life.

So you’ve just found out your boyfriend is bisexual. Now what?

Well that really depends on the matter you discovered his bisexuality. If he came out to candidly he probably needs a hug and a bit of moral support. If you caught him in bed with another guy (or a girl if you’re coming at this from the gay angle), then you probably are well within your rights to throw that Ming vase at him, call him every name under the sun and lock yourself in the bathroom crying.

Still whatever the circumstances, remember this, your boyfriend’s bisexuality is not a reflection on you. Its not caused by something you have or haven’t done, its not something you could have prevented. Its not your fault. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all, its just the way he is. He can’t help being bisexual, and believe me at some point, most of us have tried not to be.

CASE A: Your boyfriend just came out to you as bisexual

So how do you talk to bisexual boyfriend after this bombshell?

First know that he still loves you, he probably told you this in his coming out speech, if he didn’t, he meant to. The last thing he wanted to do was make you feel inadequate, he was just trying to be honest about his feelings and you were important enough to him to be the person he chose to share his secret with.

Know that he’s probably been agonising over telling you for ages, and probably tried several times and lost his nerve, frightened that you wouldn’t understand and that you’d leave him if you found out. It takes an awful lot of courage to come out as a bisexual, especially for men who find themselves already in a relationship, so its no surprise that many bisexual men don’t come out at all. Its made even harder if you or your spouse have deeply held religious convictions.

So now that you appreciate just how hard it was for your boyfriend to tell you he was bisexual, you are probably a little better equipped to deal with it and offer a supportive response. The best thing you can do right now is be accepting of his sexuality. Don’t argue with him about it, don’t call him gay (or ‘a breeder’ if you previously thought he was exclusively gay), don’t suggest its just a phase, be accepting and say something supportive. You probably have a million questions, but take a moment to make him feel good about his decision to tell you.

What does it mean for your relationship?

Well this is a question you should ask, probably after pouring each other a stiff drink. The answer is different for every couple. Your bisexual boyfriend, almost certainly won’t want things between you and him to change, but he may ask you to accept him seeing other people, which may seem like a big change for you. He won’t see it as such a big deal, because he genuinely does still love you, he just wants to sleep with people of the opposite sex to you now and again.

Equally though he may not ask anything more of you than occasionally renting a gay porno rather than a straight one, who knows perhaps you’ll enjoy watching it together? Yes there are bisexual men who don’t need relationships with both genders on the go at the same time.

The truth is each couple is different, how you deal with it and renegotiate the boundaries of your relationship is entirely unique to you and your boyfriend. But there are some basic rules you follow.

• Don’t agree to anything you are uncomfortable with.
• Listen and consider each request.
• Avoid saying “NO WAY” to something right away, offer to consider it and return with your decision.
• Keep a dialogue open and come back and discuss things further.

Any agreements you make are renegotiable. If you decide you can’t handle something you though you could deal with a few weeks ago, come back and say so. But don’t blame or resent your bisexual boyfriend for taking you at your word in the meantime.

Finally remember you are in a very special relationship. Your boyfriend loved you enough to tell you he was bisexual, he was being honest with you and being honest with himself. You share a special bond of confidence and honesty that a lot of relationships lack. This revelation is a blessing as much as a curse.

CASE B: You caught your boyfriend in bed with someone else and found out he’s bisexual

Pretty much the same as Case A, only for some reason, he didn’t have the balls to tell you. He probably wanted to, but was too scared of how you’d react. You are probably more hurt that he didn’t feel able to tell you than you are by the deception, but ten to a penny he keeping this a secret because he didn’t want to risk losing you. Now realising his mistake he’s really sorry that he’s hurt you.

Take some time, don’t talk whilst angry, but do keep channels of communication open, come back and talk about things and remember your bisexual boyfriend loves you, he always has.

I mentioned in a previous article that it seems like a lot more people are coming out as bisexual. And that’s a good thing, but I realise that there are a lot of people still out there who think, that people are “choosing” to be bisexual because they think it’s cool. And that bisexuality like an infectious disease is somehow contagious.

Well it probably won’t surprise you to learn that this is not the case, bisexuality is not contagious, however I do think ‘coming out’ is. Have you ever noticed that when one person ‘comes out’, someone else they know often follows? And another and another? Of course the conservative US evangelists like to blame the first person (and the media’s tolerance of LGBT people) for corrupting the others. But
the truth is everyone who came out was always Bi. They just got the confidence to do so from seeing someone else do it.

That’s quite a positive endorsement of society and I’m rather pleased to be able to write something upbeat about bisexual tolerance. Still for me the battle grounds for bisexual recognition have never really been with Joe public, but instead with the media for their regular hazing of bisexuals and with Stonewall who whilst claiming to represent us, constantly and wilfully ignore us.

For a lot of people, coming out as bisexual is a largely positive experience. For me I thinking coming out was ultimately a good thing, however the method of my coming out was an absolute disaster. So I’m going to share with you here the story of the “worst coming out ever” - I can just hear Comic-Book-Guy from the Simpsons introducing it.

I never had a particularly close relationship with my father and if I’m honest, I’ve resented him for years. Nothing I ever did or achieved ever seemed to earn his approval or appreciation. Sadly, my father is the kind of man who is completely ambivalent to the feelings of others and often steams through situations without seeming to notice that he’s pissing people off. As a result I suffered years of major depression in my late teens and early twenties and I’ve never forgiven him for dismissing my depressive illness as something I should simply “snap out of” and “stop worrying my mum about”.

With this in mind its easy to see I have a lot of unresolved anger with my father, which I hope in some way mitigates, though does not excuse what I am about to share with you.

It was over diner with my parents and the discussion had somehow turned to the issue of Gay Adoption. An emotive issue which can draw strong opinions from both sides, most of them well reasoned and without overt prejudice, however, my father had his view and was determined to air it.

“We all know Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual people corrupt children and shouldn’t be allowed near them.”

This was my fathers view. His honest to god, bigoted, ill-informed view. I was livid.

He didn’t know I was bisexual. Would he still have held this view if he’d known? I don’t know. But he’d effectively just called me a paedophile, someone who isn’t safe to be allowed near children and I saw red.

I went for him. I dragged him out of his chair, threw him against the wall, came out as bisexual there and then before punching him out cold, breaking my hand in the process.

It took the bastard 3 whole minutes to come around. It scared me shitless, I thought I’d killed him. There was a lot more than just the anger and provocation of being called a paedophile behind my outburst, there was years of repressed anger which just came out with this catalyst.

It really was the wrong way to deal with the situation, but I wasn’t in control, I’d lost it big style and in the heat of the moment, I’d come out. I’d blown by biggest, most personal secret wide open.

This leaves you with a whole host of other issues to deal with. When you come out in such dramatic style there is no-way you can just crawl back into the closet. Fortunately, whilst my family reacted in horror at me knocking my old man out cold, with the exception of my father, once they got over my moment of madness, they reacted with compassion and understanding towards my sexuality. Best of all my friends have been great, with many of them being really encouraging.

Still my relationship with my father is effectively over, neither of us wants to see or speak to the other. And this really isn’t a good way to come out. Its far better to do it calmly on a quiet day where there are no other distractions so the focus of everyone’s attention can be on understanding what you have to say and supporting you through it.

Punch someone’s lights out and everyone’s fussing over the person lying bleeding on the floor, you’re left alone to wallow away in your own personal agony. Believe me, sitting waiting in the Emergency Room whilst your hand is X-Rayed and immobilised, replaying the last hour of your life over and over again like some nightmare version of Ground Hog day is not an experience I can recommend.

I guess like many bisexual men, there were many years for which I denied my sexuality. I first became aware I might be bisexual in my mid-20’s, I’d see pictures of guys in magazines and on web sites and I’d find myself becoming aroused. These pictures were usually of fully clothed men or occasionally ribbed guys modelling underwear, but they were never pornographic. Still I found them sexy, in the same way as I found shots of hot women in these same magazines sexy. Undeniably, these photos of men turned me on. I responded to them in them in same way I responded to similar photos of women.

For several years I’d beat myself up about it, I’d feel ashamed and I buried these feelings in the basement of my emotional house of cards. But the feelings wouldn’t go away. Just when I thought I’d put these feelings to bed for good - BANG! They’d come right back and hit me all over again.

There was no more poignant reminder than when I was coming through Schipol Airport back in 2004. I’d just enjoyed a weekend in Amsterdam with my Dutch girlfriend, and having just spent the last 72 hours demonstrating my heterosexuality, I walk through the departures lounge in the airport and there’s this tall handsome guy with long beautiful hair - who I simply can’t take my eyes off. He’s with his girlfriend, but I barely notice her, all I see is him.

“What the hell is wrong with me?”

At the time I put the Schipol incident behind me. In fact it took me another 3 years to realise these feelings weren’t going away and I also realised that I wasn’t so much ashamed of myself, but embarrassed and fearful of what my friends and family might think of me if they realised I fancied guys as well as girls.

I began to accept that I was bi curious, but I kept it to myself, and privately I knew I was more than curious. But in this time I did one important thing: I gave myself permission to lust. I promised myself I would no longer beat myself up for fancying guys. That I’d let my fantasies take me where-ever they wanted, that I wouldn’t feel guilty for who I was or the way I felt. For me this was the first step in paving the way for me to come-out. And it made me a lot happier.

*Update*

In the past two months since coming out - I’ve really given myself “Permission to Lust” - that is to say, permission to allow myself to be attracted to men. I’ve really gotten over that psychological barrier that leaves you guilt ridden for fantasising about men or even taking a second look at a good looking guy in the street.

Its about self-acceptance.

If you’d asked me a year ago, I might have admitted I was bi-curious, but equally at that time had I been alone and intimate with a guy I’d have probably ran a mile if he’d so much as dropped his shorts. One year on and provided we’re talking about a good looking guy (yes I’m shallow - sue me!) I’m confident that I’ll dive right in and have my mouth around his cock faster than you can say “you queer bastard.”

I’m over the guilt - all I need is the man I can connect with, emotionally, intellectually and sexually. Right now, that looks like the bigger ask!