Jun 19 2010
Girls! Empathy and understanding is important.
I want to carry on from my last post about Female Reaction to bisexuality, which dealt with how straight women respond to discovering their boyfriend isn’t quite as straight as they thought he was. I also highlighted that central to many fears are abandonment issues and in my last post I promised a to discuss how we might get over them. But before I get onto that I wanted to explain in a bit more detail why I think this needs to be tackled instantly.
They say time heals all, but often there isn’t much time, here’s why:
Upon learning their boyfriend is bisexual, women are generally hurt and afraid, but all too often they make the mistake of focussing on their own feelings rather than recognise the difficulty this presents for their boyfriends.
After coming out with a big personal admission, men need reassurance too. If those admissions, especially concerning someone’s sexuality are not greeted with universal acceptance, then we put ourselves in a very emotionally delicate and vulnerable situation.
We bear our souls to our girlfriends, only to be told we are liars (often only by omission), cheats (often only because we have fantasies) and that we have “ruined everything”. How do you think that feels?
A little more empathy on the part of women would go a long way here. Even if you can’t accept the revelation, to at least empathise and acknowledge the difficulty we must have over-come to come out, to be grateful for the trust we have demonstrated in sharing our darkest secrets.
If this isn’t acknowledged it creates an emotional chasm between the two parties which can be difficult to bridge.
This same chasm can cause wild and incoherent responses from men. This is because of the intense confusion, rejection and condemnation we have to suddenly rationalise whilst the woman we love stands there telling us we are inadequate.
This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t acknowledge women’s hurt and women’s feelings in all of this. Of course we should. In particular if they have been cheated on or deceived. But we need to know are partners are capable of moving on and won’t keep returning to square one. Wounds don’t heal overnight, but they don’t heal at all if you keep picking at the scab.
If a woman doesn’t seem to be able to move on, or keeps throwing her hurt back in the face of the man, then the relationship is on borrowed time, particularly if the woman failure to empathise earlier has created emotional distance.
We wont wait very long for women to get over something if they singularly fail to recognise they have hurt us in the process.
Yes I know that women might be having to come to terms with infidelity, but frankly compared to coming out as bisexual (or being outed as bisexual) that’s something which is relatively common. A Durex Global sex survey found that 22% of people have had extra-marital sex, that’s not counting affairs from unmarried couples. Infidelity happens very frequently, its hurtful and difficult to handle but most of us have to deal with it once or twice in our lifetimes.
Whereas coming out as bisexual, is a once in a lifetime experience, for about 2% of the population. Its bigger. There is more at stake. The social barriers, fear and shame that men have to over-come whilst coming out or being outed is far more intense.
Failure to recognise that puts your ability to rescue your relationship in serious jeopardy.
If you enjoyed this post. Please share it with others by adding it to the following social bookmarking sites. This is greatly appreciated and doesn't go unnoticed. Just click the graphics below.
71 Responses to “Girls! Empathy and understanding is important.”
Leave a Reply
Please write in good English, using correct spelling, punctuation and grammar. Please also capitalise your sentences correctly.
The SHIFT key is your friend.
Well then, I’ll be the brave one to speak my mind on this post first I guess.
First…
I’ve fell upon your website, after the question “would you date a bisexual man,” was asked on Frisky.com.
And after I read this entry, read the linked post, went back through your archive read some of those, and read some of your most recent past post.
I don’t think you’re seeing how what your saying in one post, is being contradicted by another post and by the responses of others commenting on your post.
Now what I mean by that is, example:
Post: “what do I want from my male friends” while well written on male-to-male intimacy.
Reading the responses from men on the topic did nothing to negate my own un-easiness with male bisexuality and actually hurt the process I am undertaking right now to reach some understanding, and empathy for a man that I am quickly falling in love with who has admitted to me that he is bisexual.
Reading, “I kiss his neck and pat him on the bum–he picked me up and twirled me in the air–etc.” These are exactly the things that raised the red flag in my mind the moment he told me that he was bisexual.
There’s a concept in Communications called The Concept of Truth which states that there are lower case t Truths, but those are out weighted by capital T truth which is reality.
A lower case t truth about the dynamic between men and woman is that: We can and do fall in love with another
But unfortunately in this new world, the capital T truth is that there are no guarantees in love, or relationships anymore. (and it hurts my heart greatly even just writing these words)
So we still believe in love, but are quickly beginning to think that the chances of actually finding ‘real love’ is like winning the lottery. This is sad, but say what you want about sex having nothing to do with love, but this new disconnect, loneliness, and depression is stemming from something very real–LACK OF LOVE.
Lack of true human closeness, intimacy and TRUST. I know that because one guy did something to a girl I know doesn’t mean that my guy will do the same to me–but unfortunately that is a lower case t truth to me.
The reality is that more men cheat then don’t cheat, and in my own 26 years of life, I have never personally known a man who has never cheated on their partner–this is my Reality, my capital T truth.
Now I have this man, who I want to love and am falling love with–with much assistance on his part–but I can’t shake the uneasiness with him being bisexual or be truly empathetic to his courage to seek understanding and acceptance from me because I love him–I just don’t trust him. And what’s worse, it’s even more so now that he’s told me this.
Well G – first of all I have to point out that different posts on this site have different authors, we do not all speak with a unified voice. And if would appear the two post’s you have read in detail are in fact by different authors.
But that doesn’t take away from what you have to say. However in doing so you kinda prove my point.
“I can’t shake the uneasiness with him being bisexual or be truly empathetic to his courage to seek understanding and acceptance from me because I love him–I just don’t trust him.”
This is precisely what you have to get over otherwise it runs the risk of manifesting itself in jealously and insecurity, which if misplaced, will destroy your relationship.
I for one don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t trust me. I have friends who trust me, if you want to be my lover then you have have to be able to do all the things my friends can do and then go one better. Trust is a pre-requisite.
Perhaps it would be advisable to discuss the nature of his bisexuality with him? Bisexuality and polyamory (open relationships) aren’t a cause and effect situation, many bisexual men such as myself feel very strongly monogamous.
Some of us don’t see gender as any different to skin tone or hair colour, there are some indeed who have distinct desires for each gender and will never be satisfied with just one gender but those are not all of us. I do not begrudge them their nature but it is equally not my nature. In the same vein I respect peoples’ rights to engage (consentually) in BDSM or swinging even though I would never do so myself.
We have spoken about it, and he’s be forth right about the existent of his history with men and women. But I guess when it comes right down to it, working in industries where people just don’t respect themselves–Him acting and I, film and Tv production–the inability to trust your chosen partner is already a huge problem and deal breaker.
I think what I’m trying to say is that, I see the problem at the end of it all, alot of women are not interested in sharing, but nor should they have to AND nor should they be cajoled into it either. Yet I’m hearing and reading more often then I’d like that that is exactly what I might be asked to do. My greatest fear to one day wake up in my parent’s marriage and realized that I’m sharing my husband with another woman or man.
I’ve spoken only to a few trusted girlfriends about my dilemma
and one of them bluntly told me, “you’re the one telling us all the time to not negotiate with a situation that we know makes us feel uncomfortable, and I hear you negotiating.” Which hit me like a brick–I was trying to negotiate, am still am because I found someone who’s actually touch me and there’s something stopping this relationship growing properly.
I find myself saying the most vulgar thing, “if he were normal, we would be where we want to be together,” which is wrong and I’m ashamed of myself for being open to so many other socially perverse things and this one thing being the one solid line in the sand–and he’s on the other side of it. I truly love him, but might willingly break my own heart because I can’t negotiate with the anxiousness in my stomach, despite how strongly my heart feels about him.
There’s so much I want from love, but most of all I want a love that is truly mine and mine alone.
Like I said maybe try to discuss not just his being bisexual but the form in which it manifests. Some bisexual people of either gender would wish to sleep with others of the opposite gender to that of their partner, equally though many do not. You might be fretting over nothing. Has he actually said he wants to sleep with men as well as you?
I’m a bisexual man. I have no interest in open relationships, and while I might sometimes fantasise of an MMF threesome I have no real intention of actually being involved in one. That said I’m unattached and things might be different were I in a long term relationship, if anything I would lean to being more monogamous rather than less. That is who I am. I want one special person in my life to cuddle with and to be there for each other through thick and thin. I do have two close friends, they’re actually engaged to each other, and while I love them dearly I am not in love with them and have no romantic or sexual aspirations towards either of them despite how much the woman would dream of something like that happening.
Some of us, whether straight, gay or bisexual, are just one partner guys. I can’t help feeling you’re being a little premature if he hasn’t outright said he wants other partners.
I agree with Anon, G. You need to talk to him and find out where he is. From my point of view, my partners bisexualtiy was a no-brainer, it really mattered, not one iota if he was attracted to girls or boys, what mattered was that he was honorable and capable of monogamy which he was. I love that saying, “Through thick and thin”, through good times and bad. Bad times are when we perhaps disagree with our partners about certains aspects of our lives, desires, choices and hopes for the future. Good times are when we’re comfortable with each other and seem to be in a place where we agree on most things. The trouble with many people in relationships are that they see, right here, right now, she/he doesn’t agree with what I want, what I’ve said and so there is no hope for this relationship. When confronted with a partners hitherto secret desires, or sexuality we are all capable of reacting badly and saying things that we just didn’t mean or give real thought to. This is especially true if our own ignorance of the whole issue of sexuality means that we just don’t have the inner resources to stand up and say “this scares the bejeesus our of me, but I love you and I want to find a place where we are both comfortable with this” so we knee jerk and say things that we really didn’t mean. Your bisexual boyfriend also needs to remember that he has had years to get used to his bisexuality and has perhaps been through a lot of angst to get to a place where he is comfortable with it enough to tell you at the beginning of your relationship. You have had only a short amount of time to get used to it. I think you can get over your feelings of discomfort, as long as your boyfriend knows that empathy and understanding is a two way street.
It’s nice to see a discussion of bi-sexual men and strait women. Though, I’m sad to see some women do not accept and/or have problems with a man’s bisexuality. Because, I can tell you, from experience, they are missing out on wonderful men and very satisfying relationships!
I’m a straight woman in a relationship with a bisexual man. Though, I don’t think of it as, “I’m in a relationship with a bisexual man.” I think of it as “I’m in a relationship with HIM.”
I met him via on-line dating. He listed his sexual orientation as “Bi”, so I knew before I ever met him. There was no big reveal of his bisexuality.
For me, it was a non-issue. It was and is who he is that I found wonderfully refreshing.
I joked with my boyfriend in the beginning that him being bisexual was the best of two worlds for me, I can have a best gay-man friend and a boyfriend all in one.
No, it’s not really like that but I am very happy in my relationship.
I have to say that after having had experienced a relationship with a bisexual man, I prefer it to straight men. They are much more open with you and can discuss their feelings more honestly and easily. They are obviously not homophobic morons, they are concerned with GBLT issues, and respect women in a way that most straight men cannot.
I love who my boyfriend is as a man and as a human being. His bisexuality is part of who he is and I would never want to change that about him as I would never want to change anything about who he is.
Maybe it’s because our relationship is not based on sex. We do have sex, but it’s not what our relationship is based on. Our relationship is based on mutual respect, sharing our innermost selves with each other and this wonderful easiness of having this other person who just “gets” who you are.
I don’t care who my boyfriend is sexually attracted to and I’m not concerned that I can’t meet all his sexual fantasies or needs, that’s what porn and masturbation are for. It’s the safest sex there is!
His bisexuality is so inconsequential to me, I really don’t think about it. Unless, we discuss his bisexuality. Since his bisexuality has nothing to do with me for our relationship, when he does bring it up, I think, “Oh yeah, that’s right, he’s bisexual.”
Congratulations Deannaon. I hope one day to find someone, of either gender, that I can have something like that with.
Incidentally the B in LGBT/GLBT is bisexual, so its only natural those issues concern us.
This reminds me so much of when I came out to one of my girlfriends. This was, I think, nine years ago (I’m now 31). It came from her admitting that within a month or two of going steady, she had fallen in love with me. I couldn’t reply honestly with the same thing because I was insecure, in that I thought if she knew the truth, she would have a reason to not love me, or feel insecure in herself because of my feelings for men.
We had a long conversation about it one evening. I forget the ins-and-outs of it. But I was right that she’d feel insecure. The arguments rocked back and forth – arguments for and against me being who I am, it seemed – and until I found the right words to express it, she came across as resentful of me. Then, I said (and I paraphrase, 9 years clouds the memory), ”it is not that I want a man, or a woman for that matter. I want a person, and that person is you.”
She threw herself in my arms in the warmest embrace I can remember ever experiencing.
I can’t say that was it, totally. She never liked me to discuss it. I think she wanted to think of me as totally straight while I was with her. Her insecurities were unfounded because I have always been a one-partner guy, but I can totally understand why.
I came out to her as an ex-marijuana user at that time, something I was using daily right up to a week after the start of our relationship. Funny how she just shrugged that one off! But that’s another story, for a different forum.
I look back on that conversation with mixed feelings. We can try and allay other people’s feelings about what we believe to be true about ourselves. But allaying them with her wasn’t enough because I pretty much had to repress my sexuality the entire time I was with her.
Eventually, she did the dirty on me. Harrumpfh.
Hey. I agree that those women who try to be supportive of bisexual men need to be all-in. I, at one point, would not have talked to a bisexual male…
If you haven’t guessed already, yes, I am female.
But, if I go back to that time, the problem is evident; Years of brain-washing.
Nobody in my family would accept bisexuality. Here would be a good place to explain that I am not bisexual. I’m straight at all hell. What’s the problem then? We don’t talk about hot men- I’m surrounded by talk of hot women.
I’ve been asked if I’m bisexual by many people. The fact is I haven’t aligned with the right kind of people soon enough. Brain-washing, again.
I have said some things I’m not proud of as well, mostly because I am not allowed to say out-loud that I like bisexual men, or a bisexual man. I can however say how “funny-looking” a guy is.
Well, here it is, my best effort put forth here and now; You have my support and if anything I favor bisexual men. For me, it would be nice to date a bisexual man and I would never put him down for it. I’ve had my fill of straight men anyway.
Hi everyone – I’m a 26-year-old male and could do with talking to someone about these kind of issues. Not necessarily on my girlfriend’s empathy, but on living with bisexuality in general.
I couldn’t find any contact details on the site, but if anyone’s happy to advise/talk, that would be great. Happy to give my email addy if needed.
Thanks,
Callum
Callum, I’d love to talk. I’m a 28-bi-boy and find it hard to find social contacts over the internet (you know, just finding pen-pals to talk about bisexality issues is hard), and forums are not really my cup of tea.
Here’s my mail .
BR, Zeno
I have thought about what you are trying to say in this post, and about the thoughts that crossed my mind before & after telling my girfrend about me being bi, and I must say that the general feeling of the absence of empathy is true.
But relationships are never about one person are they? I mean at first after I told my girfrend, it was the fabsence of relief I was so eager to achieve that bothered me. But as time went by we talked more and more about the subject, and here is what I learned, basing completelly on my personal experience:
As I have been keeping quiet about the subject for alnost a year before I told her, this was naturally a shock. So, instead of getting my relations in order, I got a new problem, no emphaty for me at all. But this was a step forward.
After some time she told me, she feels unsure of what to make of my coming out to her, the only thing she could think of now is how she is not completeng all of my needs. How about that? So there I had some empathy for her.
Now, as we have been together for some time now, we are quite reassured about our relationship (not just in the scope of my sexual orientation) and we are making it work for us.
My boyfriend is Bi it’s not the easiest thing to hear about or deal with ever. We were together for awhile before the topic came up, but when a guy from his past came into the picture is caused him enough heart ache to break up with me and send me back home. We never lost touch, and are back together now. With the getting back together there was a a lot of discussion but still turns out he needs men to feel complete and content.
So here we are currently, I know. He asked me if it was Ok if he still did this. He explained to me that he still loved me but this was some part of him that won’t go away. It’s so hard to have the person you love and want to spend your whole life with to turn around as ask if it’s Ok to cheat on you. I’m trying to make it work I know he truly does love me and I love him. But how can you rationalize that, to know that when ever he feels the need he will go preform random sexual acts with another man, then come home like nothing happened. How am I suppose to cope with that. I am in no way saying that this is super easy for him to deal with but I just don’t know.
I know guys aren’t big on telling their girlfriend/wives, about this cause one they don’t want them to know, two they don’t know how to handle it, or three they don’t want to loose them. I can’t find another woman to talk to I don’t think they exsist, I really do truly love him but this is so hard to deal with, I feel like he takes and takes, but I don’t get anything in return. I don’t want to leave him, just need to find some way to deal, and i have yet to find it, but am still working toward that goal. Im asking from a guys POV, any suggestions?
Hi Shirubi
OK, first of all cheating is when your partner sleeps with someone else behind your back. When you know or consent to him doing so, its NOT cheating.
He’s laid on the line the price of being with him. You have a choice as to whether or not to accept this. It sounds like he’s been very frank and honest. You either accept his terms or you don’t.
You might find it empowering to suggest some conditions be attached to his homosexual encounters, common sense stuff, like using protection and always having fixed nights each week which you spend together. You may also prefer not to know when he’s going out to meet guys or you may ask him to specifically tell you. Whatever works for you. Another way of rationalising is to remember that most bi-guys don’t want to form meaningful loving relationships with men, they just want sex. In these cases its sometimes helpful to think of homo-sex as being like a macho sport like football or rugby. (Something he does with the lads). Whereas making love is something you exclusively do together.
Everything you are saying makes sense and I can see myself getting there, it will take times and I’m am trying to not throw my hurt in his face, but it is extremely hard thing to handle. The other day we had a conversation about this, at first he was talking how it would only be oral. But that isn’t the case I understand that other things do happen that’s not what bothers me is what he said rather then the actual act.
“I have to top the other guy to be fair to them.” …. To be fair to them, when this whole thing is so unfair to me. Every time I think about this I feel like i got hit in the stomach with a ton of bricks. And it hurts and that is more so what I don’t know how to deal with. I don’t want to leave him and I know he doesn’t want to leave me, and I don’t want this relationship to fail, I have already been through so much with him and truly love him. I just don’t know how to get past the hurt and sad.
Shirubi — I don’t know if you are still checking in on this thread but I just read it and feel I have to respond. I am a bisexual and have been in relationships with bis and straights…. but only monogamous relationships.
You do not seem as if you want an open relationship. You seem as if you are trying to find a way to be okay with his need for multiple partners but this is not how you are made up. Have I got that right?
I think loads of people can give you advice, but let me ask you this — if he were straight and telling you he “needed” multiple women lovers, would you be struggling like this? or would you know what you would say or do?
If you can answer that question, then you have the answer you need for how to proceed with your current relationship, getting what you need not just finding a way to give him what he needs.
The reason I am so clear on this is that no bisexual, woman or man, is required to be in open or multiple relationships. It is not the core nature of every bisexual to be nonmonogamous.
So it appears that it’s not his “bisexuality” you are struggling with, but rather his personal need to be with multiple partners.
I am not judging or condemning him. He has been open and honest with you and has the maturity to ask for what he needs up front and not sneak around. But you have to be equally open and honest with yourself and realise within you if that style of relationship and loving is for you.
It is not part of the “bisexual nature” if there is such a thing, to need to be non-monogamous. A full 2/3rds of bisexuals are monogamous. You love a man who is not into monogamy — that is the core of the struggle, it appears, not that he is capable of attraction to more than one gender (which is bisexuality). But that he needs more than one partner (which can happen for any sexual orientation).
Hey Kel
“A full 2/3rds of bisexuals are monogamous. ”
That’s an interesting figure, where did you find it? Does it have a breakdown for female vs male bisexuals?
Cheers
David
I stumbled on this blog while typing “my boyfriend just told me he is bisexual” on google.
i’ve never posted on anything online before so i’m curious to see how this all works.
i’ve known my boyfriend for about 9 years (since 9th grade). We have been dating for a little over 2 years now. I never thought he was gay or bisexual, and being pretty open minded myself i cant think of any stereotypical “signs” that i missed anywhere along the way.
a few nights ago we went out drinking for his birthday and lets just say he had a little too much to drink. we went back home and somehow being bi sexual came up. he told me that he thought he was bi sexual and that he would want a threesome with another guy, he also said he could never come out because it would kill his family. i was completely blown away by this confession. This was the absolute first time i had ever heard anything about this. i was completely blank and numb. the next morning we woke up and i asked him if he remembered what had happened and he said yes. I know him and i knew he would deny it. I stayed calm and told him that i know how hard this situation is and if there was anyone he could be honest with it was me. He said that the thought of being with a guy had crossed his mind but he swore that he has never acted on it.
I guess i just want to know what i should do. I love him so much and we have so much chemistry and a great sex life.
I don’t want either of us to hurt, I don’t want to be used as a cover and i don’t want him to deny himself of his true feelings. He says he wants to get married and move away and i cant help but think he is only doing that because he wants to continue to be in denial about it.
How serious is it that he blurted all this out while drunk? does it make it more believable or less believable?
I think that empathy should be employed far more often than it is. You can tell if someone is having difficulty telling you something, you can tell if it means a great deal to that person to tell you – perhaps I’m sensitive to these things, I don’t know. But, regardless of what it is you are being told, you should take time and think before you say or do anything. I’m Bi and my Husband is straight, he’s always scared that I’ll leave him for someone (male or female) insecurities born of bad parenting and a disastrous straight/straight relationship before we met. We’ve been married for 16 years and are completely open with one another regarding feelings and other difficult issues, it’s the only way to be. We support each other even when we don’t understand fully the thoughts or feelings of the other, above all else we have true friendship – the cuddles, sex, squeezing the toothpaste in the middle and arguments over the toilet seat tag on to that. My Father jokes that a good relationship is 5% total love, 5% total hate and 90% total indifference, but I know that being open, honest (however painful that may be) and respecting each other’s differences is the real way – I learned that from him and my Mother.
What about gay guys in a committed relationship finding out their partner is also attracted to women? Not a common scenario, but yes it still happens. And I’ve discovered that sometimes among gay guys there can be a bit of insecurity concerning dating bisexual guys such as if the guy will take the easily accepted way out, meet and fall in love with a woman and end up with her.
I want to date bisexual men because I am bisexual and I want my boyfriends to understand me.
There’s always polyamory for coping with the need to have intimacy with the other sex than the one you are currently dating (and there are varying degrees of that, e.g. you can have an agreement to only have one relationship with each gender).
@confusedgirlfriend – just tell him you still love him and accept his sexuality, and encourage him to experiment (but use a condom!). If he loves you, he will stay in a relationship with you.
Kel
I guess you are right. the base of he problem is that he really doesn’t want a monogamous relationship with me, and now reading over this I don’t even know that. He’s not looking for love with any other person he just feels like it is something he can’t let go of. After he explained it to me I do feel a bit better. But I really don’t know if how I’m dealing with is right or wrong but it seems to be working for me and him. We talk a lot about the situation and that is helping a lot. And if it was me telling my b/f I wanted to sleep with multiple woman I would have at least told him that before the relationship started that the it would more then likely not be monogamous. And to answer another thread if the situation was reversed and it was a guy in my position I would honestly feel the same way. It just unfortunatly happens to woman more often then not. I often find my self thinking what if this other person he is doing “stuff” with honestly falls in love with him. And he doesn’t want love with that guy just sex, I would feel horrible for that person. Because he told me that he would end that friendship, relationship, what ever you want to call it, with said guy, I would honestly feel really crappy, as much as I don’t want this situation to happen at all I would feel worse if someone else got seriously emotionally hurt over it. This situation is more and more common as I am doing some research but it doesn’t make it any better really any better, and doesn’t say anything for the human race.
Shirubi, I feel as if you took the words right out of my mouth. I’m going through exactly the same situation and having all the same feelings and cofusion. Discovering that plenty of other women have been in this situation is comforting. From your last post, it sounds as if you’ve come to some sort of arrangement? Or maybe I’m misunderstanding. I’d love to know where you’re at with things.
Bligh,
yea I guess you could call it an arrangement. I posted here trying to find someone in the same situation. I’m glad you said something. I would actually love to talk to you more. you can e-mail at , just let me know in the subject it’s you.
Hiya.
Funnily enough….The Hubby and I have just started our own blog on a very similar subject……its a confusing subject based on ‘where you’re at….emotionally’…..and…alas…the people who surround you…hmmmm….
I personally think it’s great..I love to hear of people dancing to their own inner beat…
Lots of love
The Misses
xxx
Hi. I recently found out that my fiance had some casual encounters with other men on craigslist a while ago…our relationship was only three months old at that time. Anyway, I feel awful because I checked his email and I know that’s awful, and inexcusable…but when I confronted him about it…he pretended like he didn’t know what i was talking about and then he finally reluctantly fessed up…and I’ve been so open and understanding and just want him to be able to be himself and feel my love regardless and this is something that he wasn’t prepared to have introduced to his future wife (ever) and it’s something that he is ashamed and embarrased over and I don’t want him to feel that way. I told him to take as much time as he needed – but I fear he will never be able to open up to me and i’m marrying him in 3 months and I’m just afraid he’ll never be able to look me in the eye again…and I need him to know that I am open to whatever he needs and I’m there for him regardless. He also told me he was sexually abused by an uncle for six years of his childhood and this behavior is something self-destructive that he does every few years. I feel so awful for 1) the pain i have caused in invading his privacy and making him relive the pain of his childhood and 2) the fact that he is so ashamed and embarrased of his sexuality. How can I help him? How can I let him know that it’s okay to open up to me and that I love him unconditionally? I want us to be one…not one, plus one part that we don’t talk about ever. I need communication to work through this, too – and I just feel so alone. I can only imagine how alone he must feel.
This post has helped me a lot, and I don’t know how many people this reaches. But I lost my b/f to this. I tried so hard, but the rest of the world doesn’t view relationships like I thought, like I do. Monogamy Isn’t out there anymore, and i’m not basing this off of this one relationship, I was married as well and he cheating on me and left me. I don’t know if it’s me it probably is. asking someone that you love more then the world to be faithful to you is to much to ask for. Im sure there are other people out there who want it as well but compared to the world its probably less then 1%. I don’t have a collection of facts to base it on, just talking to people in general. I seriously applaud the people who can do what i can not. You will be happy, while the rest of us waiting for monogamy, for someone to be as faithful as you are to them. I never found someone I thought I could mess around with, I never even thought about it, I wasn’t missing anything in my relationship. But he was and I couldn’t do. I’m not saying people can’t be happy in my situation, but I couldn’t do it. I just want to say thank you to those who answered my posts, and to those who will continue on in this topic, there are more people who are out there that need something positive, It can work. I just hope that my posts and story can help in some way.
I found out that my bf was sleeping with random men on craigslist. When I asked him about it he apologized and he would only admit to being curious and doing nothing further.
I found out via tons of e-mail conversations he had between these men, and when I talked to a friend about it they too said they had stumbled up text on his phone from a dude about sexual things they had done.
When I asked him if he was bi he asked me why I wanted to know and then later said he is just bi-curious.
When I told him it didn’t matter ( I am Bi) but I wanted to talk about it he refused to and still refuses to talk about it. He doesn’t want me to ask questions or bring it up. He said he had my word about being monogamous and if he felt like he was going to do something he would tell me but he never ever wanted to talk about it.
How can I trust him if I don’t understand where this is coming from and why? How can I have a logical conclusion if he won’t even acknowledge it in his own life? I am so confused. I love him but this secretive crap isn’t going down well. help!
It doesn’t work. Bisexual men want their cake and eat it. It is the loneliest feeling because you never truly commit to one gender, leaving both partners (the male or female partner who might be in the main relationship) empty because they can never really enjoy the security of loving that person fully. It’s also lonely for the bisexual male because he can never really commit fully. I am a gay male who loves the physical nature and physique of another man but would like the emotional commitment that often a woman knows how to give. That would be nice combined in one person alone. Having drawn to me many ‘straight’ bisexual men who have to keep going with women to tell themselves that’s who they are, the confusion and heartache this causes both of the other parties is immense and detrimental – it feels like you are continually drifting or in just a ‘sexual’ friendship. I am sure some couples who are both bisexual can create a stand off or a compromise , but I am not convinced either will love fully, no matter how they dress it up.
Bisexual feelings can be especially hard to talk about, especially when manifest themselves following childhood sexual abuse. The horrible “am I Bi because I was abused?” question rears its ugly head. You start to question not just your sexual orientation, but the confusion spreads to whether you actually enjoyed been sexually abused. Whilst the answer to that is undoubtedly “NO”, imagine the pain and confusion this creates. This is a genuinely foul and difficult situation to be faced with and its not something that many people will deal with without therapy.
However, you can’t force your fiancée to talk about it until he is ready, or to seek help from a therapist, unless he genuinely wants to, all you can do is create an environment where he knows that when he is ready to talk about either the abuse he suffered in childhood or his bisexual feelings that you are ready to listen or to support him, and never think less of him, if he wants to speak to a trained counsellor.
Whilst my experience is that talking in a therapeutic environment is almost always helpful, there are also people who achieve happiness by not speaking about things and simply burying there feelings. Whilst this is less than ideal, the fact that someone decided to bury a painful memory or emotion does not in itself mean that this is eating them up inside or preventing them from living an otherwise fulfilling life.
Tanya
People don’t always accept their sexuality as readily as you or I. I’m bi, you are bi, to us its no big deal. At least its no big deal to me any more, that said, it took me almost 14 years from my first same sex attraction to admit I was even bi-curious, and it was another 3 years after that to come out as bisexual. That’s SEVENTEEN years from my first same-sex crush (aged 12) to coming out as bi (aged 29). Those 17 years were not exactly characterised by rosy memories.
During those 17 years do you think I was able to talk about my bisexual feelings? NOPE! Fuck I was in therapy for 6 years and even then, most of that with the same therapist. I trusted him, talked about all sorts of things that I’d never spoken to anyone about before, he asked me once if I was gay – I flat denied it. Which is only a half honest answer when you are fantasying equally about men and women. 3 months before I came out as bi, I told another therapist I wasn’t gay – again skirting around the obvious truth of my same sex attraction. On both occasions these were therapists I’d CHOSEN to speak to. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to honestly talk about my sexuality.
I know I’m just one example amongst millions, but I can’t help but think that if I couldn’t bring myself to talk openly about my sexuality with a therapist I’d chosen to speak with, because I was fed up with been torn up by my self-loathing attitude. Why do you expect your boyfriend to feel comfortable talking about something he clearly didn’t want you to know about and clearly doesn’t feel ready to deal with in a constructive manner?
The simple fact is YOU SHOULD NOT BE CONFUSED BY HIS RELUCTANCE TO TALK ABOUT THIS. Its perfectly natural to shy away from discussing painful personal feelings, its got nothing to do with how he feels about you, its just about how it makes him feel, and I’m guessing it makes him feel very uncomfortable.
You are forgetting about “Alternating Bisexuals”. I’m an alternating bisexual, I don’t need a man AND a woman to feel sexually fulfilled, I’m fortunate enough to feel sexually fulfilled by either and Man OR a woman. To me gender is another physical characteristic. I don’t need a partner of each gender any more than a straight guy needs a blonde girlfriend and a brunette girlfriend.
Don’t get me wrong, there are physical and personal characteristics that attract me to one person or another, but what they have or haven’t got between their legs is far less important than dozens of other things. Nice hair is quite high up my list, as is a good sense of humour. Gender is quite a way down my list.
I think there is a lot of misconception of Bisexuality and Infidelity. Some people assume (gay men or straight women) that bi men are somehow more prone and capable of breaking their hearts or cause for alarm. Statistically speaking, heterosexual men break women’s hearts more so than bi one’s do not just nominally speaking but in ratio as well. To me, that speaks in lengths to the fear of abandonment that already is present within the hearts of women from men in general.
The idea of a partner leaving another for their old love is not an uncommon story no matter what orientation is under the microscope but it is not something that always occurs. It’s true there is a fear from the woman for her not being able to fulfill physically the kind of needs that only a man can fulfill; however, in many cases, these individuals do not wish to engage in poly-amorous relationships. It is truly situation and individually specific because apparently not ALL bisexuals are alike.
Source: http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/bisexual.html
It is already a struggle for bisexual men (yes like myself) to disclose information regarding our orientation… but to be demonized and strung up for our honesty is a no-no– especially if it is something your partner has no control over, does not directly affect you, and does not endanger you or concern you in any way.
We are ostracized for something we have no power over for we see both colors and are told to only see with one lens. We see black and white, red and green, fire and ice but we are told we can only see one. It is impossible for us to just “stop” being receptive to what we are but we -can- make decisions to be with only one partner.
Ultimately, if we are loved for who we are then love must be unconditional and supportive– especially in face of great adversity.
My husband has put naked photos of himself on the internet. My husband has e-mailed and video chatted with multiple men online. My husband married me 7 1/2 years ago under false pretenses. I am a pretty open-minded person. I have empathy. But I asked only one thing of him, that he always be honest with me. He lied. I have never lied to him, cheated or done anything to intentionally hurt him. I was on his computer sending an e-mail to a mutual friend per his request and happen to accidentally command paste before I copied and to my surprise some extremeley lude language appeared in the middle of my rsvp to a surprise birthday response. He was right next to me. He tried to lie about it. His admission is that he has always been Bi-sexual and likes the idea of doing something that seems wrong, as well as enjoying watching others perform sexual acts. I’m not a prude. We have a sex life, a good one, one that I now feel is a total farce. And on top of all of this, I am a full time mom to a 5 and 3 year old. I can’t leave. I am not in a position to support myself. I still love this man but he has deceived me in an awful way and I never imagined it of him. I trusted him completely. He swears his undying love and swears he does not know what he’ll do without me. Of course he doesn’t, he might have to tell the rest of the world about his bi-sexuality. He knows I’ll keep his secret. Who could I possibly talk to about this, after this long all of his friend are mine and mine his and I would never expose him to them, it would break his heart. What about my heart. I cannot talk to a soul about this. I am sick to my stomach everyday and night and my chest physically hurts from the betrayal. So for you to ask for empathy because he came out to me, that’s to much to ask. Ive been cheated, lied to and mislead for 12 years by a man I truly love. I had children with him. I gave him my heart. I don’t know if we would have stayed together if I’d know at the onset of our relationship, but at least I would have been given a choice.
Erin
If that’s how you feel them leave him. All I’m setting out in this post is how you need to act if you want to rescue your relationship and eventually return to some semblance of normality. Remember your husband might have engaged in some lewd chat with a few men on line, but (I’m guessing since you didn’t mention it) he hasn’t been physically intimate with anyone else. Now don’t get me wrong its still a betrayal, but in terms of how bad this is its somewhere between flirting and full on infidelity.
You wrote: “His admission is that he has always been Bi-sexual and likes the idea of doing something that seems wrong”
Tell me, would you feel better, had you caught him in bed with a woman? Because if you would then you are prejudiced and will get no sympathy from me. Betrayal is wrong, end off, but it sounds like you have more of an issue with him been bisexual than his virtual infidelity. All apologies if I’m wrong, but I reading your words here so if you misspoke please don’t blame me for coming to this conclusion.
Its all very well for women to demand full disclosure of their boyfriend’s/husband’s sexuality before they get into a relationship, but it ought to be bleeding obvious why men don’t tell their girlfriends, its because to some degree their girlfriends are HOMOPHOBIC (See this comment by VoiceofReason).
You don’t get the right to know your boyfriend’s sexuality just so you can be free to discriminate against him for being Bi! Bisexual men are not automatically going to be unfaithful, indeed yours has not been physically intimate with anyone except you. Yet roughly a 1/4 of married straight men have affairs. Seems unfair that Bi men get discarded as potential lovers because they are “going to be unfaithful” whilst 25% of straight men are going to cheat anyway.
Hi – I am on here in hopes of finding an answer that I can live with.
I have recently (within the last six months) found out my husband of nearly three years (been together five) is bisexual. It’s for the most part just chat and fantasy with other guys on a website. He did get drunk at a friend’s bachelor party two years ago and do oral with another guy – but I believe him that that was the only time.
I caught him by checking his email on his phone on a whim and finding emails from that website; after breaking into his email a couple months later and then that account and reading all the messages, I was (obviously) devastated, and it sounded as if he had cheated on me. He says it was just chat, and I believe him because I chatted with one of his friends on the website (pretending to be him at first, then coming clean when I felt comfortable); this individual basically confirmed that my husband was telling the truth. He lived less than 20 miles away from where we used to live, and they had never gotten together. He told me that my husband had told me he was married with one child and another on the way and that he loved me and he didn’t know what to do with these feelings. This individual was very forthcoming and kind, and he suggested that if I was okay with it, that we could incorporate a toy into the bedroom so that he could explore the actual physicality of the fantasy (so he wouldn’t be tempted to do it with someone else).
I am okay with that. My husband doesn’t want to. He says it will be weird. I am fine with him being on this website chatting with other gay/bisexual guys. He’s fine too; he just doesn’t want to do it opening – weird, you know?
Also, my hands aren’t clean. I have never been unfaithful, but my suspicions have hurt him. I used to check his email, check his phone when he wasn’t looking, and recently, I created an account on this website and tried baiting him to meet me. I came clean about that deception last night, and he already knew about it. I failed to clear the history a few nights ago, and when he went to the site, my fake username showed up in the box. He feels like I’m trying to trap him; I feel like I’m trying to prove to myself that he won’t cheat if given the chance.
We have an excellent relationship besides this – except typical marriage things – we occasionally argue about housework, parenting decisions, etc. – some of the things I’ve read, it is really obvious the guy is just using the girl as a cover – no intimacy, no love, nothing – but that’s not the case here. I really think he’s just bisexual, and if he can limit it to the internet (which I really do trust that he can – he has so far), then we can be okay.
He does really want to work it out – as do I – but he’s getting tired of fighting about this all the time – and I don’t really blame him.
Sorry – a lot to sift through – do you have any suggestions that will help him be more okay with openly dealing with this – because it seems he’s feeling emasculated and would rather just stay ‘in the bisexual closet’ even though I know he’s out. I wouldn’t dream about talking about this to anyone we know because I don’t want to hurt him. So here I am. Also, marriage counseling is not an option. We just don’t have the money. We got the new homebuyer tax credit two years ago, both changed jobs and moved, and now we have to pay the whole thing back. So the money isn’t there.
What do you think?
I think you need to learn to trust each other again. Obviously your husband damaged the trust you had with his chat fantasy and his bit of oral infidelity. But it sounds like he has been pretty honest and upfront about things once you challenged him. Of course you have niggling doubts, that natural, but you went about things the wrong way by trying to entrap him. You really should apologise for this just as he should have (and probably did) apologise for his indiscretions.
And lets be honest, you have done some pretty extensive checking up on your husband’s story. And its checked out. You really have no reason left to doubt that he has been honest with you about his indiscretions. Its time to show you trust him again.
Finally if he would rather stay in the bisexual closet, leave him there, its not for you to drag him out. Coming out and accepting your sexuality is a very personal thing and it can only be done by individual concerned on their own terms. Just let him know that if he wants to talk about it, you are happy to be a non-judgemental listener, if he doesn’t, well you’ll have to learn to be cool with that too. Just as long as there are no lies or deceptions its only your curiosity that’s going unsatisfied.
Thanks for responding so quickly. Things are actually a lot better now. However, I don’t think I would characterize giving and getting head to and from another guy “a bit of an indiscretion.” I was devastated. By the way, I would have been just as upset if it had been a girl – the only thing that makes it different about a guy is that I can’t give him that no matter what I do. Cheating is cheating, and even though it happens in this world all the time, it’s not something I will (or can) deal with. It’s because of that that I know I am not a ‘cool wife’ that can participate in a threesome with him and another guy or ‘let’ him scratch that itch because I can’t. I am totally devoted to him, and I need him to be totally faithful to me.
I’m very aware that I went about it the wrong way. I had found pictures of his genitals on our old digital camera about 8 months ago and picture on the computer of a guy-on-guy orgy. So I was already suspicious – but I pushed the thoughts from my head. It wasn’t until I checked his e-mail on a whim that I found a posting on craigslist advertising for sexual favors for money (‘whatever he was worth’). I can’t speculate as to what could or couldn’t have happened, but I found the e-mails setting up a meeting between him and some other guys the NIGHT BEFORE it was supposed to happen. He may not have followed through – then again, he may have. If it had taken place, I don’t think I would be here.
So he’s been upfront, but you’re right. The occasional nagging doubt does plague me. I came so close to losing him, and I know that our relationship right now depends on three things 1)me trusting him 2)him not doing anything that would cause me to not trust him 3)him and I dealing with this situation and being totally honest with each other (because we’ve both been dishonest).
I didn’t mean to use word indiscretion to minimise what he has done, I was using more as a euphemism so I could respond with brevity. But you are right its all about those 3 things.
To be fair alot of the articles and responses on this site are about open bisexual relationship and how they are ok. It mentions them as if its ok for a bisexual person to have open relationship because some feel discontent or not whole by just one gender.
hmmmm it kind of gives fuel to the idea that bisexuals are cheaters or need two genders.
I do not think open relationships are ok and bisexuality doesn’t make a difference. saying you can’t be fullfilled by one gender is an excuse its like any straight man saying its not his fault he can’t control his desires and one kind of woman isn’t enough.
I dislike how LGBT groups allow open relationships to be ok but you hardly notice that ideology much however you see it alot on bisexual sites. In female reaction to bisexuality it says one should accept that your partner may want/need to have sex with men too but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you…..yes it does. I think you are kidding yourself if you think its real love if you can’t be loyal and your fleating fantasies are more important than your soul mate. Lots of couples have different temperments and maybe for some two people can be in an open relationship but honestly i think there is alot of evidence to say these people are less close and less in love. the true measure of love is to have an incredibly high sex drive and yet want to be loyal. to have fantasties and yet deep down be disgusted by the idea of being with anyone else than your beloved thats real love. sleeping with someone else is always cheating even if they know. you can be pressured in to letting someone cheat on you as you love them too much to loose them so let them do anything. you can think you are ok with but it can degrade into jealously later. Also if you are really bisexual surely you think love is equal whether its a same sex partner or not. so sleeping with the same sex is just as much cheating as if you slept with another woman. you could still fall in love and leave your partner there is no way to know that won’t happen. I am bi and have a hugely high sex drive. seriously most people think i’m addicted to sex porn self pleasure etc. I’m a notorious pervert. I’m always being attracted to women. I would never cheat on my partner regardless of their gender. monogamy is very important. its a shame when the world looks down on bisexuals as flaky and disloyal that we don’t band together and put across a monogamous picture of ourselves. a bisexual can be monogamous so can anyone people just choose not to be.
I think its awful when a straight or gay parner doesn’t accept their lover’s bisexuality and they should never have to ask do you want to sleep with other people. they should just assume they are monogamous like any other couple but attracted to both sexes.
I have been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months. I am 17 and he’s 16, just a few months younger. I always felt that there was something stopping me from falling in love with him – like there were things that didn’t make sense about him – I felt like I didn’t entirely know him. Also he never showed me much physical affection. We have kissed 16 times in 6 months. We hold hands and hug hello and goodbye but otherwise he doesn’t touch me. Not even putting his arm around me.
A month ago he told me there was something he might tell me one day which explained why he doesn’t show me much affection.
Last Saturday he got a bit drunk which gave him the courage to tell me he’s bi. I have no problem with this at all. I was surprised though, since he comes across as borderline homophobic.
He told me he is more emotionally attracted to girls and more physically attracted to boys. At least everything makes sense now. But I need physical affection in a relationship. The lack of it has been making me feel insecure and unattractive. It seems to me this is just the way he is and I need to accept that he is not attracted to me in a way that is going to make him want to touch me or kiss me. If that is so we need to break up which really hurts.
But there is one more option. He seems ashamed of being bi and worried about what people think. He is terrified of telling his parents because they are homophobic. He is clearly in torment about it. Perhaps the fact he is uncomfortable about his sexuality makes him uncomfortable about expressing romantic feelings?
I want to help him to feel comfortable in his own skin and confident in himself whether as a girlfriend or just a friend – I can’t bear him being so unhappy. If by doing this he would gradually be more affectionate that would be wonderful although this is a critical point in both our lives with exams and choosing uni’s etc so perhaps trying to make this relationship work is not worth risking our futures?
I’m meeting him after school tomorrow to talk it through sober. He told a mutual friend that I freaked out when he told me he’s bi. I didn’t though but he’s probably really worried what I’m going to say tomorrow. I’m going to ask him if he’s certain that being in a relationship with me is what he wants and what is right for him right now. In some ways I wish he’d break up with me. It would hurt less than me knowing I’ve hurt him and I do not want him to think it’s because of his sexuality alone.
No one can really tell me the right thing to do here I just have to talk to him but it would be useful to know what people think about the possible reasons for him not showing affection related to his sexuality.
Short Answer: Some people are not as tactile as others, it has nothing to do with their sexuality. It has a lot to do with how you are brought up, how tactile and touchy feely your parents are with you when you were young. How tactile you are with your siblings friends etc.
Oh and to be politically correct I have admonish you both for drinking alcohol and getting drunk at ages 16 and 17. Tut tut! Stop it, don’t do it again.
So, I’d love some advice, wisdom, feedback, etc…particularly from the bi men out there, and women who are currently or have been in relationships with bi men.
Here’s my situation: my boyfriend broke up with me in January, stating he needed to sort out his sexuality, and that he couldn’t effectively do that while in a relationship with me. He’d told me from the beginning that he thought he might be bi, and I’ve always tried to be supportive and understanding.
This situation is particularly complicated for several reasons:
1) he’s the man I love, and the one I thought I was going to spend my life with
2) he says he loves me and wants to be with me. But I’ve told him I can’t and won’t wait forever. He’s agreed this isn’t a fair thing to ask…for me to wait indefinitely.
3) Closely related to #2 he’s a very monogamous guy. We’ve still been intimate with each other, and while we both enjoy this, I feel like its getting in the way of him sorting out his sexuality. I’ve told him I’m open to having him “explore” if need by while in a relationship with me, but he always comes back to the need for monogamy. Which is why he can’t date me, and someone else simultaneously, and why he had to walk away from our relationship (even though he isn’t dating or sleeping with anyone else)
4) There aren’t any men out there he feels like he actually wants to date, as he tries to sort this out. So most of the “sorting out” is taking place within his own head.
5) Not quite sure how to take care of myself in all this. Walking a fine line between being supportive and understanding of him, and also fully realizing there are potentially drastic implications for both of us in all this.
Oh, and #6) I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this (except him of course)….feeling pretty alone and isolated in all of it….hence my turning to this site.
Hi Gitz
Thanks for your comments, but I don’t really know if you are going to get any responses, because you didn’t actually ask a question. What did you want to know?
bitheway: Fair enough, I suppose. Seems like it was clearer in my head, though it’s not clear there at all, really. To be honest I have a million and a half questions, yet few I feel like I can articulate.
There are plenty of stories here of women who’ve come to find out their boyfriend is bi….and plenty of stories of women who’ve successfully maintained those relationships, often through allowing him space for exploration, dating other men, etc. Yet my situation is a bit different, as he’s staunchly monogamous, so an open relationship of any sort (whether with me or anyone else) is out of the question. Hence the break up so he can sort this all out.
Just wondering if there are other women out there in similar situations….who are in a position of “Waiting” if you will for him to sort everything out. Waiting to re-enter the relationship. If so I’m curious how they stay strong…how they balance everything. And if they have similar feelings of guilt for stressing that they won’t wait forever.
How can you be supportive of him AND a self advocate at the same time? How can you be supportive of him and strong for yourself? How do you hold all that tension?
It’s just the struggle I/we have right now. The question ultimately is: Are there other women out there in similar situations, or actually, even men who have found themselves in similar situations (e.g. broken up with women they love in order to sort out and gain some clarity on their sexuality)?
Sorry for the potential inarticulateness/vagueness of all of this bitheyway……just trying to reach out a bit. It’s all still so confusing.
This is an insightful blog, and I recently came across it. I’m not sure how much bitheway is still posting. I have been with my boyfriend for the better part of the last two and half years. Recently, he’s asked me to move to another state with him. I don’t doubt his love for me – he talks of the future, a life together; however, a few months after we decided to move together, I discovered he is bisexual. He doesn’t know that I know. First question: Do I tell him I know?
In addition to discovering his bisexuality, I discovered that he’d been sporadically responding to posts to other males on sites looking for other males in the area to…meet up, if you will. Second question: What does this mean? He’s been hiding this from me for our entire relationship. It’s weird because he doesn’t act bisexual at all and often makes it seem like he couldn’t even imagine that possibility, which instilled my initial suspicion.
I feel that now I’ve made a mistake in agreeing to move. If he can’t talk to me about this, what does that mean? I understand it’s a difficult thing to discuss, but I’ve signed a lease – what if he continues to actively search for men to be with, when we’re living together? I don’t want to be selfish in this situation, but this is a big thing…
What do I do?
Hi Penny… I can completely relate to what you are going through. I went through something similar with my boyfriend. Although he did let me know that he was bi-sexual after about 8 months of dating, he left out a lot of details and put me in a position where I would “catch” him hiding things from me that he later explained. One of them was being on a “hook up” website where men meet men, which really upset me, not because I’m not open to bi-sexuality, but because he was hiding it from me. I realized later that he was so afraid of telling me because of what he thought that I would think of him.
We have decided to stay together and since have had more open talks about his sexuality (and mine). He says that his fantasies and attraction to men are purely physical and sexual and that he has never been in love with a man. He knows that I have only had a few sexual partners throughout my life (I am 40) and I am aware that he has had many partners.
His last relationship was an open one, but he knows that I want monogamous relationship… period. Not because I am insecure about sharing him (I don’t think this is fair to generalize about women), but rather the choice of monogamy is a well thought out desire that I wish to have in my life. I believe that a couple can still be open and explore fantasies without including others in the process. I don’t judge anyone for having an open relationship, it’s just not for me. Even if I was open to it, I would not take the risk of obtaining STDs. As it stands, I have only had unprotected sex with 2 people in my life and since being with my recent boyfriend, have contracted genital herpes. He feels horrible that his lifestyle has affected me in this way, but it is a reality that many people choose to ignore. Condoms break and I am not willing to risk getting HIV. Herpes is bad enough.
Some posters on this website have indicated that if you love your partner you will try to accommodate their fantasies, even if it means inviting others into the relationship. I disagree. There is much more to life than sex! I am moving in with my boyfriend in a few months and I love him very much. He said that being with me, the companionship that we share, and the deep love that we have for each other is much more important than acting on his fantasies with men. Transmitting an STD to me (someone he deeply loves) was also a huge wake up call for him. Time will tell… and trust is all we have. Life is a fluid experience and I know that I must let go of the past everyday in order to be happy now.
My advice… open communication. It does not mean that I don’t continually ask the questions that you are asking, but I do share my fears with him as they come up. I’ve learned that the more open and accepting we are with each other, the closer we get… which makes us want each other even more.
And first and foremost… PROTECT yourself sexually. Do not assume that he is being safe. Some people have a different view about what “is safe” and what “is not”. My boyfriend thought that he was being safe (although I think that he was in denial) and to be fair, so was I.
Good luck.
I think it is unfair to put the onus on the other person because “coming out” is supposedly a bigger deal. Explaining yourself fully prior to romantic entanglements should be defacto behavior from anyone. There are many women and men who do not mind dating a bisexual man, and there are many who do mind it. The choice should be theirs just as if someone wants to date only brunettes or musicians, etc.
Honesty up front saves having to ask for empathy.
Its like people who hide the fact that they smoke from non-smokers until its too late.
Unfair, unfair. Relationships are hard enough under ideal circumstances to add more complications after hearts are extended is bad form.
I myself, no joke, am a bisexual man living with his long term mate (normally we call each other husband and wife anyway).
I have understood my own sexuality almost from puberty as my first experiment was with another guy my own age, loss of my first virginity as some often call it, and never had a desire from that moment on to leave girls behind.
Most of the women I have been with before my present, and most of them for sure before around ’05 with whom I was looking for a relationship with upon even hinting that I may have a slight interest, or really a need, for a man to be in my life also really did anything expressing their immediate need to leave the relationship (and most distanced themselves from me for a while) to actually leaving me.
Rare has the day in a more straight relationship been that in the long past I would have been wanted around even my friends. On the positive side the reaction I’ve had from my girl friends, at least at first as we were never involved in a romantic relationship, if that I’ve been kind of accepted as “1 of the girls” on a girls night. True they’ve been reluctant to go to gay bars any more than required as not so much they’ve been hit on by women but more so they’ve not attracted any men even as friends. The other real problem is hard to place a finger on. Eventually the friendships are lost amongst women I know because after taking my advise on a preference (“is that guy hot”, “should I date him”) they want to keep me away from them though I’m of a mind you can’t “change” anyone. The only other reason they end of resenting me if because I make a totally manly, often not emotional move toward or against something in their lives and they seem upset that after all “I’m really a man”.
I know this is long, but I’m almost done.
My relationship itself with my so is this: after over 2 years of living together I just got the most reluctant okay I’ve ever had to go myself and find men, like as you as long as I’m with her afterward, but the policy agreed to is strict. Theoretically I can look for or find a man anyway I want to, but she doesn’t want to know about it (and probably not him), has to have a number where she can reach me (understandable), and no matter when I’m meeting him I have to be home by essentially bed time that day. NO OVERNIGHTS ALLOWED!! She’s less reluctant to have a man come to our place, but we’ve done that several times and she’s been highly disgusted by both alternately my picks or the fact that they weren’t into her.
The only other accepting women I’ve ever found was bi herself and understanding, but craved a relationship being the slut she was where, living under the same roof, we’d be together when we were tired of the rest. A marriage more open that I could take.
Say what you want, I’m just adding my background for clarrification.
I just wanted to thank these posts for putting my mind at ease. My boyfriend just came out to me, and (even though I’m bi myself) it scared me a lot. I found myself, even knowing the hard process he faces, not being as empathetic as I should be. These posts brought up a lot very good discussion points for both us. It feels really nice to see that bisexuals can be one partner people, and I think that is my biggest worry. I have discovered I am a one-partner bisexual, and I just needed to be comforted that he can be too.
I find myself intimidated by straight men, because I’ve faced a lot of homophobia. As a bisexual woman, I would possibly be comforted in having a bisexual boyfriend. I think it’s stupid to feel as if you have more competition – get over yourself. I’ve always been a supportive member of the LGBTQ community, so maybe it’s not as easy for others, but -shrug-.
So as my screen name suggests, I’m entering a new chapter. After more than a decade, I have started dating again after the failure of my marriage.
I find myself here, reading this site and feeling much better about my current relationship. I met him a mere month ago.
He has been completely candid from the get-go, but has yet to be completely forward about what I suspect is bi-sexual leanings. He wants me to share my fantasies with him. He made a suggestion of a three way, me and him and another guy. Of course, I’ve fantasied about this; in fact, me and a few guys. Its like he reads my mind.
I have not yet had a frank discussion with him about any of this, but I want to very soon.
An open relationship of this type is completely new territory for me. While I get turned on by breasts from time to time, and the sight of my own nakedness, I definitely know I do not like girls; either sexually or romantically.
Most of my life, I have had better friendships with men. I feel I can trust them and I have more in common with them.
The offer of having experiences with more than one man at the same time is well, quite arousing.
I suppose my question to those who are more familiar with bi-sexuality is: Is it selfish of me to accept my bf’s offer to have a three-some with him; but also expect him to be managomous to me only?? I am certain that I could not continue the relationship with him, if he wanted to have sexual relations with men, without my participation.
I read some postings here about this issue, that managomy can be a key issue in relationships of this type.
I want to be fair to my bf, but at the same time, I need to feel secure in the relationship.
Definitely a new chapter.
I suppose I will ask him this question, see what he says.
Wish me luck.
Hi,
I saw that it has been a couple of months ago since you posted this. I don’t know what to tell you, but I am recently going through a divorce with a man who I have always wondered if he is bi.
It hurts so bad not really knowing. I’ve asked him if he’s bi and told him I could accept it. He said he wasn’t. I think he cheated on me, I have no proof, bc I am outside of the country..but..
I think that bi, gay , straight or whatever, if someone is going to cheat or lie to you, they will probably never stop, unless the relationship is strong enough and both are out and open..there is no point of going on..
sometimes life sux….
I’m a bi male aged 82, been married over 50 years, have two grown daughters and 4 grandchildren, had two main lovers with many others I would love to heave been able to love more than was possible, feel very happy and fulfilled with my life – and hope it will go on a good bit longer.
Although most of my sex has been with my wife, my dominant drive ever since my teens has been towards other guys. It was them who haunted my sexy dreams, whose naked pics I longed to see, whose clothes I so often wished I could strip away. It was them I looked back at when they passed me on the street, not the girls. But sex with a guy was a criminal offence in the UK until I was nearly 30.
How times have changed! Last night I looked up ‘free gay videos’ on my browser and discovered a seemingly endless stream of hunky young guys, mostly gorgeously endowed, up to all the tricks, the goal almost always being to get into each other’s arses.
It was certainly liberating and erotically nourishing to see all these lovely young guys, totally uninhibited about allowing the camera to explore their pricks and balls in minutest, leisured detail. But it was maddening to see how inevitable the anal bit was as a climax. This is something my childish and youthful imaginings had never thought about and it’s something which has played a negligible part in my adult life. Yet nearly all these videos seemed determined to reassure me that this really was the be-all and end-all of gay sex.
This might be ok for gay lovers who have no sexual interest in women but it does not work well for men who want to live bisexually. By that I don’t mean that they want to have sex simultaneously with both genders but want to cohabit with a female partner and have children but also relate lovingly and, when possible, erotically with male friends. If my wife knew that this was going to mean I was having anal sex with the guys she would feel threatened, not only from the health point of view, but also because she would fear that, because I could fuck the guys in much the same way as I fucked her, she would become redundant. Because she knows the sex I have with fellows is different from what I have with her, she has been able to accept it.
From my point of view it is as near perfect as possible because the two sides of my sex life complete each other without competing. There is a Yahoo group for people who feel as I do. it’s called “menlovingmen-asmen” (no spaces).
I came out as gay to my mum when I was 16 because I didn’t think she’d know what to say if I came out as bi. I later came out as bi because I was dating a girl. Coming out as gay was easier and met with more understanding. Coming out as bi made me realise why so many people never do.
I’m a str8 chick and met what I thought could be my husband. He lied to me and to this day is trying to get back with me, but it will never ever be due to his bisexuality.
During our courtship, I did ask him if he was bisexual, and that I couldn’t date a bisexual. He said no but kept referring to his “ex girlfriend” by name.
About a month later I googled his ex… a pre op trannie living as a woman!!! As in, a man in a dress, complete with hormone breasts and a shrunken penis.
And… his homosexual relationship with the trannie was over 6 years, the longest relationship that he’d ever had. Now if that isn’t bi/gay, I don’t know what is..
I remember so clearly the day I asked him if his ex was a trannie… his mouth snapped open in shock.
I felt all the blood rush from my body and I knew then and there that I could never marry him.
He duped me, rushed the relationship, courted me passinately, brought flowers, bought diamonds but still… his ex was a man.
Look, there are billions of folks in the world.
There is nothing wrong with him for being bisexual.
The wrongness was his lie about it.
There is nothing wrong with me choosing not to chose to date a bisexual man. I’m str8 I want a str8 man.
Being with a pre-op trannie over 5 years is gay, not straight, that’s two men together, no matter how many dresses the tranny wears!
Now I tell my female friends… take your time. Google him and his ex. Don’t rush it. Sad to say, you can’t believe everything a new guy tells you.
We tried, for 14 months to make a go of it. I kept thinking about him having gay sex with the trannie and that was about it, killed my passion for him.
Of course, being closeted, he drank, and lied to his family, passed the trannie as a rather ugly woman, and had a circle of friends who dissed him for basically being a closeted coward, and when they met me, I was horrified to see their level of homophobia and disrespect towards him, and me.
Look, all you bisexuals. Come clean from the jump. If you’re not accepted by the one you want, take it on the chin and move on! You will find someone to accept you, there is someone for everyone!
I just wanted to say that I find it very disheartening that bisexual men have had such bad experiences with coming out to their girlfriends. I do think it comes from a lack of understanding of what bisexuality is, though, rather than hatred or self-centeredness on the part of the woman that you’re with. I suppose I could be totally wrong in some cases but, you know, she won’t see the best in you if you don’t try to see the best in her too.
Perhaps it’s because I’m a bisexual woman and not naturally a very jealous person (and, well, I like to see two men together sometimes, heh) but I’ve never had ANY sort of problem with a man I’m with being bisexual. If anything, I prefer bisexual men as long as they’re secure in their identity. To me, honesty is central to relationships and if you can’t even be honest with yourself, there’s no way a relationship will last.
And, finally, to the reason I decided to comment in the first place- the women who are coming here are upset about their bisexual boyfriends/husbands sexuality and are not necessarily representative of all women in relationships with bisexual men. To get to this page, they had to google search it. It was something that was bugging them enough to take time out of their day to google it and then comment about it. And, honestly, if they’d rather search on the internet for it than talking to the man they’re with, they’re probably not the worlds most understanding SOs. So, uh, don’t assume they represent how all women feel about their SO’s being bisexual. For every woman that commented here, thousands and thousands more might just be comfortable enough with their man’s sexual orientation to accept it and move on with their lives, so they never end up here at all.
Hi all. I am now on day 3 of my partner coming out as bi. In three days there have been tears, tantrums and assumptions (all by me of course). But one of the major helps to me so far is your site. Once I could get my head around it I was able to ask the right questions. In three days we have established what we want out of our relationship and what I can do to help. I am not what a call a typical gal. I am not worried about a partner leaving me because if things don’t fit then don’t ponder. But what I did have a fear of was had I been cheated on. I was fine about the bisexual part as had already guessed as much. But all that aside and any assumsions cleared up we are on a new exciting path. We are a monogomous couple and now if anyone can point me in the right direction of what I can do to keep my family happy secure and satisfied and most importantly himself please email me on I am not looking for anything perverted just good old advise.
I’m not sure if this thread is still being checked by anybody, I would love some feedback if anybody is out there.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. A few months ago, he told me that he saw a guy on the train and he was suddenly blown away because he couldn’t take his eyes off of this guy. This came as a complete shock for me because according to him, it was the first time he’s ever felt attracted to a man.
Since then, he’s been struggling with his sexuality – he’s confused and doesn’t know the extent of his attraction to men. He says that he finds men super attractive – but the thought of having sex with a guy is just ‘weird’ right now and he’s never even had the urge to look at gay porn or ever fantasized about gay sex (he’s a pretty brutally honest person – so I take this at face value). Also, when I asked him whether he thinks he could ever be emotionally attracted to men, he says that he’s not sure – but there is one guy he knows that he might have a crush on. But then again, he’s not sure whether it’s a ‘sexual’ crush or whether he just thinks that this guy is really cool. It’s a fine line…
So we know that he’s not completely straight – but he doesn’t know the extent of his bisexuality. After seriously questioning himself and his sexuality, he knows that he still like women – it’s just that he doesn’t know how much he likes guys.
Both him and I are not okay with having an open relationship – he values monogamy and doesn’t want to experiment on the side. He’s also not quite comfortable with exploring his sexuality at the moment because he doesn’t even know how much he likes men.
I don’t doubt that he loves me and I don’t doubt that he’s lying about anything, but in all honesty, it bugs me that he’s so confused. I’m worried that he’ll just ‘realize’ that he’s actually more attracted to men then women (he says that he sometimes thinks that men ARE more attractive than women, but again, not sure if that’s on a sexual level or not). Yea, I think I fit into ‘afraid he’s going to leave me’ group.
Am I crazy for thinking this? I sometimes wonder whether I should break it off with him and encourage him to explore his sexuality – for both of our sakes. I just want him to figure things out, but I’m not sure if he ever will if we just keep dating and he doesn’t explore it further. I guess in a selfish way, I just want him to find out what he likes and then we can figure it out from there. I don’t want to stay in a relationship with him for another decade then have him suddenly want to explore his sexuality. I’m fine if he does it while we’re on a break – but neither of us would ever consider a polyamourous relationship. I’m not judging of other couples who do it, it’s just not for me (or him). I’m just.. lost.
Also, how common is his story? And – does it sound like he’ll eventually realize that he’s bisexual?
Thoughts?
I am a 72 year old man who has been happily married for over 50 years. My first sexual encounter was with another man and it scared the heck out of me. I knew that I loved women and fantasied having sex with them. Growing up in the 50`s there was not much information available regarding even hetrosexual sex and almost none on gay or bisexual sex. I knew that in addition to getting turned on by naked women I also liked to see naked men. I was in my early thirties before I was able ot except mysellf as being bi sexual. I told my wife about that time and she was supportive. I think she may have had an idea that I was as I liked to be dominated and I liked her to use a dildo on me sometimes. I had a few male lovers through the 70`s and mid 80`s but then the fear of aids made me stop. Since then I have with my wife`s help satified those desires.
Hi there bitheway.
I am currently in a relationship with a woman who I love very much. Recently I came out to her and told her I was bisexual and she seemed to take it well. However, whenever I try and talk to her about it she becomes upset and, sometimes, refuses to tell me how she really feels about the whole situation. But then, the next day, she is completely fine with it. I, on the other hand, am not. I love my girlfriend and wouldn’t ever trade her up for a man and I’ve tried to tell her that but I’m not sure that she believes me. I feel like our relationship is hanging by a thread and I don’t want it to break. Please e-mail me back with the address I provided to post this comment, I really would like someone to tell me what they think I should do.
Thank you.
Hello David. (bitheway)
I don’t know if you still around, it seems not a lot of activity in the last few months from you, hopefully you are because you are doing and immense contribution to our society (the bi and the general societies) THANK YOU!
I’m a 35 bi male, and just a few weeks ago I finally decided to embrace my reality, I’m married, my wife is supportive (she’s known about the sex with men for a while, I thankfully didn’t get caught, decided on my own to come clean) and its been a long road for me mainly cause I was sexually abused when I was very young, it started when I was 7. I been attracted to both sexes since a teenager, but always suppressed my feelings for men due to the fact of my upbringing and mainly the never ending shadow of the abuse, I believed that I was “acting out” on my anger, resentment, desire to revenge, survive, and sometimes to feel loved by a man, trust me, a lot of freaking therapy… ;D
Although this new chapter just started, I was able to talk to my wife and come clean as a BI MAN, I asked her to read your blog, she feels lost and alone, as i want to embrace who I am, and your blog its guiding me and helping me in every way, I don’t want to hide under the “I was molested” to have this feelings, no matter why I have these tendencies anymore, just the fact that I have them. I want to experience a sexual relationship with a man without the guilt, shame and pain from the past. Of course this might take a toll on my marriage, I don’t know, will have to be patient and move slow and try to care for my wife as much as she had care for me since I started this process almost 2 years ago.
Thanks to you and to every single person who has written here, the good and the bad, the sad and the happy, all of you.
And don’t wanna leave without saying that you are fucking hilarious man! Your humour and easiness to the subject make this site a success. Please keep it up!
later alligator!
ale
I am a 38 year old male about to celebrate his ten year anniversary with his wife. I am also Bi-sexual. My first sexual experience with a man was when I was rapped “several times” by my next door neighbour. I was around 9 years old. This continued for several years. My be it was when I was in High School I started looking a “boys” differently. I left my small town and moved to a big City. It was their I went to my first gay bar. At the time I was 23. That for me was a big step.
I spent my first night with a gay man when I was 23. I enjoyed it ! Coming from a strict Catholic back ground a gay relation ship was not an option. My parents sent me to a private Catholic School for 12 years. The last couple years were the most difficult. I haven’t returned for any reunions and our 20th is coming up. I meet a wonderful woman and we fell in love. I just cant see myself married to another person. I do have a lot of gay friends in fact truth be known their are my only friends. My wife has meet some of my friends. She likes them but I often wonder if see holds it against me that all of my friends seem to be gay. I provide for her very well and couldn’t see being married to any one else. I still to this date have Bi-Sexual encounters. But its just encounters not love.
I am in a very male driven profession and its difficult some times when they tell gay jokes. what am I ? Catholic/Married/Bi some times I think I am wired wrong.
The bible says we are all created in God image
For me living up to my different images is difficult
Im not sure if anyone is still looking at the blog.
I am in love with a bi man , I was told on our first date he was bi and im completely fine with him and his sexuality. he also informed me that he lives with his ex who I came to find out is a transsexual. He told me from the start he isn’t looking for anything serious because he just ended a relationship of 7yrs. I was ok with that, dating for ten months I’ve dealt with finding out he is back with his ex to him hiding me to him telling me he wants us to move to fl and what our children would look like. But he still wont leave his ex male lover, and found out recently they still share the same bed. I know the underlying truth but I LOVE HIM, his ex also is using him because he pays for everything and feels bad but his ex has cheated on him numerous times. Im 23 and he is 30 we used to talk about how old we want tobe when we have children together, but he won’t commit to me, I don’t think hes using me but, he won’t tell his ex to leave,what my question is will he ever leave her? Does he actually want to be with me? This situation had caused me so much stress and insecurities about myself, I broke up with him because I feel he needs time to end his relationship and get all drama out if he wants to be with me, but I cant move on. I’m so confused and worry that I can’t ful fill his needs like a man can.
Jace – you have a narrow minded view of sexual orientation and gender identity. Your boyfriend has a more enlightened view accepted his ex-girlfriend’s identity as female and so described his relationship with her as straight. This is not a lie. If she feels female, then regardless of what is hanging between her legs, she is female. Therefore the relationship can be described in terms in which she sees herself, not in the terms in which you see her.
TinTin, This of course assumes you are ready to come out or even realise your sexuality before you get into a relationship. There’s also a case to say that if like myself you are talking about a monogamous bisexual, then my sexual orientation really isn’t any of your business until I care to share it, because its an irrelevance to any relationship we might have.
[Post Edited by Moderator to improve punctuation, readability and understanding]
Hi guys I’m Callum
I’m 22 years old and I’m bi I have just finished reading this blog after 2 and a half hours I know slow reader and I have to admit I feel so much more comfortable now knowing that there are a lot more women than previously thought who don’t judge by sexuality.
I, like a few others above am in a position where I want to have a relationship with a woman emotionally and physically but also long for a physical relationship with a guy. Now don’t get me wrong if I had a relationship with a woman I would not have an open relationship as that’s just not me, I would be able to express my desires towards men by happily watching porn and nothing else.
My problem is this, when having sex with a woman I feel less turned on but I feel comfortable. Yet when having sex with a man I feel more turned on but as soon as I’ve (so to speak) released the tension I feel ashamed with myself and horrified with what I’ve done.
So what I need advice on is how I can move forward?
Not only that, but I always feel more easy chatting up guys than women. I’m constantly nervous of rejection yet, as I say, I find it easy to get with guys because the tension in my mind is that I will be able to perform easier with them sexually or until its all over that is compared to when I am with a woman. I’m near afraid of sex, so to speak, due to me thinking I may under perform and sadly to say that’s why I believe my last relationship ended.
Worst of all I work with a bunch of high testosterone filled guys they know I’m bi but constantly try and hint that’s its wrong but that doesn’t bother me but they think I have trouble talking to women, because I’m bi not because I’m afraid about under performing.
Hi Callum,
Like yourself I’ve been in relationships where sex was an effort because I was worried about disappointing my partner. Like you this had little to do my partner’s gender, and more to do with my own desire to put their enjoyment ahead of my own.
However, that’s not a productive way to go about a sexual relationship because you spend your whole time worrying about whether you partner enjoyed the encounter instead of actively enjoying it yourself.
This is what I learned: If sex is an effort, the you are doing it wrong.
Speaking personally I’ve realised sex with guys is more effortless and enjoyable because I don’t feel that pressure. This doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to women, or that I can’t have a fulfilling sexual encounter with a woman. It just means that I seem to find gay-sex more naturally enjoyable. At least right now.
My advice is to pursue what makes you happy. If you are happier having sex with guys then have more gay-sex, it doesn’t detract from your bisexuality.