Jun 19 2010
I want to carry on from my last post about Female Reaction to bisexuality, which dealt with how straight women respond to discovering their boyfriend isn’t quite as straight as they thought he was. I also highlighted that central to many fears are abandonment issues and in my last post I promised a to discuss how we might get over them. But before I get onto that I wanted to explain in a bit more detail why I think this needs to be tackled instantly.
They say time heals all, but often there isn’t much time, here’s why:
Upon learning their boyfriend is bisexual, women are generally hurt and afraid, but all too often they make the mistake of focussing on their own feelings rather than recognise the difficulty this presents for their boyfriends.
After coming out with a big personal admission, men need reassurance too. If those admissions, especially concerning someone’s sexuality are not greeted with universal acceptance, then we put ourselves in a very emotionally delicate and vulnerable situation.
We bear our souls to our girlfriends, only to be told we are liars (often only by omission), cheats (often only because we have fantasies) and that we have “ruined everything”. How do you think that feels?
A little more empathy on the part of women would go a long way here. Even if you can’t accept the revelation, to at least empathise and acknowledge the difficulty we must have over-come to come out, to be grateful for the trust we have demonstrated in sharing our darkest secrets.
If this isn’t acknowledged it creates an emotional chasm between the two parties which can be difficult to bridge.
This same chasm can cause wild and incoherent responses from men. This is because of the intense confusion, rejection and condemnation we have to suddenly rationalise whilst the woman we love stands there telling us we are inadequate.
This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t acknowledge women’s hurt and women’s feelings in all of this. Of course we should. In particular if they have been cheated on or deceived. But we need to know are partners are capable of moving on and won’t keep returning to square one. Wounds don’t heal overnight, but they don’t heal at all if you keep picking at the scab.
If a woman doesn’t seem to be able to move on, or keeps throwing her hurt back in the face of the man, then the relationship is on borrowed time, particularly if the woman failure to empathise earlier has created emotional distance.
We wont wait very long for women to get over something if they singularly fail to recognise they have hurt us in the process.
Yes I know that women might be having to come to terms with infidelity, but frankly compared to coming out as bisexual (or being outed as bisexual) that’s something which is relatively common. A Durex Global sex survey found that 22% of people have had extra-marital sex, that’s not counting affairs from unmarried couples. Infidelity happens very frequently, its hurtful and difficult to handle but most of us have to deal with it once or twice in our lifetimes.
Whereas coming out as bisexual, is a once in a lifetime experience, for about 2% of the population. Its bigger. There is more at stake. The social barriers, fear and shame that men have to over-come whilst coming out or being outed is far more intense.
Failure to recognise that puts your ability to rescue your relationship in serious jeopardy.
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