Jun 13 2010

Female reaction to male bisexuality.

Published by at 3:08 pm under Bisexuality

One of my most popular posts was a piece entitled “How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend” and it attracts a lot of comments from women seeking to deal with their boyfriend’s bisexuality. I thought it would be interesting to analyse the female reactions to discovering they have a bisexual boyfriend and to see if we can learn anything from it.

I apologise in advance if this article comes across as sexist. I do have a prejudice in so much as  I have experienced these situations for myself as a male who has come out as bisexual to several girlfriends. But I do think this perspective and my conclusions will be helpful to women, so if you can get over my wounded male bias and reach the end of the essay, you’ll hopefully find it useful.

Based on the comments my earlier article attracted and on emails I received privately, it would seem that generally speaking you can characterise the sentiments of women who have just discovered their boyfriend is bisexual  as some or more of the following.

  1. They still love their boyfriend
  2. They are angry/hurt he didn’t reveal his bisexuality sooner.
  3. They are worried he might decide he is gay.
  4. They want him to be true to himself.
  5. They don’t want him to sleep with men on the side. (The monogamy clause).

Lets briefly deal with each and then I’ll take a more holistic discussion of the points.

(1) Women still love their bisexual boyfriends. Good! Happy days! This is an excellent and fortunate place to start. From here all things are possible.

(2) They are angry and or hurt that their boyfriends didn’t reveal their bisexuality sooner in the relationship. On this point I see varying definitions of “sooner” ranging from “before he even asked her out” to “before he asked her to marry her”. What’s more the definition of “sooner” appears to be proportional to the length of the relationship up to the revelation. Men can’t seem to win on this one, because they can never tell their girlfriends they are bisexual soon enough.

Whilst its understandable that women are going to feel hurt, particularly if they have caught their boyfriend being unfaithful. I have never heard from a woman (even one who has not been cheated on) consider all the social barriers, shame and fears a man might have about revealing his bisexuality. In our hetero dominated world, few people outside the LGBT community understand how hard it is to come out. Girls you need to be more understanding about this, especially if you and your boyfriend live in a very heterosexual social environment or have a religiously conservative background.

(3) They worry their boyfriend might decide he is gay. I’ll analyse the motives behind this fear later, but for now, I’ll just say two things, (a) we can blame every gay man that ever tried to be straight for creating this stereotype [Joking] and (b) it singularly fails to understand bisexuality as a distinct orientation to homosexuality.

Its worth noting that for many bisexual men, the last two points (4) & (5) are impossible to reconcile. A point seemingly wasted on some of their girlfriends. Due to the logical inconsistency, I tend to dismiss point (4) as tokenism or at least as being very low on the list of priorities. In fact what is far more over-riding in these circumstances is abandonment issues.

Personally, I find its telling that I have never heard from a woman, who has dumped her boyfriend because she found out he was bisexual. They all want to save the relationship, they often are unsure how to do this or whether the relationship can survive. They are often confused and hurt, but I have not heard from a woman who instantly gave her boyfriend his marching orders just because she found out he liked boys.

So I don’t think women want to leave their boyfriends. More over their objections to him sleeping with men (the monogamy clause) and their fear that he might decide he is gay, are actually two sides of the same coin and centre on their fear that their boyfriend will leave them, not vice versa.

This is what leads me to think that abandonment fears are actually at the heart of the whole issue.

Bisexual men tend to keep their sexuality a secret because they fear their girlfriend will dump them. Something I have seen no evidence of. When they reveal their bisexuality, their girlfriend then fears that their boyfriend will leave them. Again if he is bisexual there is no evidence of this either.

The unfairness about these respective fears is that the male fear of abandonment is falsifiable and can be demonstrably shown to be misplaced, ie: by coming out and discovering that your girlfriend doesn’t actually want to leave you. In contrast the female fear of abandonment is (in the short term at least) unfalsifiable and there is nothing the guy can do to show her it is misplaced.

The problem is that this female fear of abandonment tends to manifest itself with trust issues, resentment and insecurities. These become a destructive force in the relationship before sufficient time has elapsed to allow the abandonment fear to be abated.

One guaranteed cure for female abandonment fears is long-term monogamy. Some women might be able to gradually accept an open relationship whereby they allow their boyfriend to have casual male partners providing of course that they always return to their female partners afterwards. But each takes time to accept and the abandonment fears actively work actively against allowing this to happen.

I seemed to be working towards a conclusion that you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. However, I don’t think that’s helpful or proactive in terms of relationship counselling.

The solution as I see it rests with the ability of women to quickly get over any feelings of hurt and anger they are experiencing and to rapidly resolve any abandonment fears they might have. This is easier said than done and places a heavy burden on women, but I do believe that if more women can take a cognitive approach to the situation, better outcomes ie: a loving and trusting relationship will result.

An explanation of how this might work will have to wait for another article, and whether or not you think I’m being fair towards women is also open to debate. However, I think we’ll agree that abandonment fears are a major destructive force in relationships, they cause men to lie and women to lose trust and feel insecure. Getting over abandonment fears is therefore central to a happy relationship.

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115 responses so far

115 Responses to “Female reaction to male bisexuality.”

  1. Rebeccaon 14 Jun 2010 at 7:49 am

    I’m apparently one of those rare women that was more worried about the crushing despair my husband was going through when he told me that he had realised he was bisexual and had acted on it, versus being upset myself. How could I be upset when he was so clearly suffering…

    I was a little annoyed later when I thought it through (just because it added extra complications, not because he was bisexual), but now 14 years on, we’re still happily together and now both actively polyamorous (which was both of our ideas).

    My immediate verbal response to my husband outing himself was, “Oh, I always thought I’d be the first to do that”. Time to disclaim, I’m also bisexual and knew even when I got married that I wasn’t 100% monogamous (but very good at pretending).

    Both my husband and I run a bisexual support discussion group in Melbourne, Australia, and I’ve met many men, and a few women, that are concerned about what their partners will think if they find out that they are bisexual, and most won’t tell them. I understand their fear, even though I don’t share it.

    Many are afraid that their partners will immediately leave them (and I have met those who’ve when broached the topic have had their partners end relationships – so that does happen) or that their partners will put them in a box and not let them see the light of day again (trust issues). It saddens me that so many people operate in fear, even when that fear is justified.

  2. bithewayon 14 Jun 2010 at 11:32 am

    Rebecca, you have undoubtedly heard from many more couples than I have, my sample size is around 50, which is hardly the basis for a major study. What’s more my original piece was aimed at women who were confused and hurt by their boyfriend’s bisexuality so it was also likely to attract a warped sample.

    I’m sure, there are some women who have instantly ditched their boyfriend’s. I’ve just never heard from any of them. I still doubt its common place. And I’m sure there are many more women like you who have dealt with the revelations in a sensitive and caring way, though it certainly easy to do this is like you, the woman herself is closet bisexual.

    But of course a caring and compassionate response isn’t a problem, in fact its an ideal response. And people who respond in this way, don’t come here asking for advice.

  3. BardicFireon 14 Jun 2010 at 9:54 pm

    I just would like to argue a 6th reaction, even if it is probably the most uncommon, it’s still common enough among most of the more liberal or progressive communities.

    6. Your girlfriend is excited at the concept, and enjoys the idea, this being on different possible levels:

    either she likes the idea of getting to compare hot actors and the like, and getting to do other things that typically things she can only do with her girl-friends.

    or she’s into open relationships or similar, and would love to do some MMF relations.

  4. bithewayon 14 Jun 2010 at 10:19 pm

    In my experience that’s an exceptionally rare response. Remember the internet brings people with shared interests together and makes the world seem a much smaller place. The chances of finding someone who responds in this way are slim.

    Just because you meet such people on internet message boards or in LGBT community groups doesn’t mean such a person is likely to be on your doorstep.

    And its incredibly unlikely that unbeknownst to you, you already happen to be dating such a person.

    Though I’m sure that now I’ve said that dozens of such women will come out of the woodwork just to spite me. :D

  5. Ashbeton 14 Jun 2010 at 11:57 pm

    Hee — so this is just to spite you, then? ;)

    My boyfriend and I are both bisexual and polyamorous, and we talked about how we wanted to handle that before we started dating.

    I’m fine with him potentially starting a relationship with a man, and I’m fine with the idea of potential MMF dynamics (although I am not currently seeking out any partners other than the ones I have.) But I’m open to the possibilities, because I want both of us to be happy and fulfilled.

    I do understand the concerns that women in an existing monogamous relationship might have if their partner came out as bisexual, but it’s worth mentioning that there are options other than the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” paradigm.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  6. Michaelon 15 Jun 2010 at 6:44 am

    I came out as bisexual when with my girlfriend at 17. She broke up with me the following day.

    Not such a positive reaction.

  7. bithewayon 15 Jun 2010 at 9:34 am

    Ashbet, you are in the category where both partners are bisexual and have a mutual understanding and acceptance of it, your ability to handle of the situation is empowered.

    Michael, well I’m sorry to hear that, it is the first instant break-up I’ve ever heard of. Though its not totally unsurprising.

    Teenage romance can be fairly fickle and this is a big thing to deal with at a young age. A teenager’s response is more likely to be influenced by how they think their peers will react. That can be a big thing to get over.

    That said, some kids are more open minded than others. It shouldn’t deter other teenagers from coming out.

  8. PArthuron 16 Jun 2010 at 6:39 pm

    You are selfish. You want you cake and to eat it too. If you want an open relationship, let your girlfriend sleep with other guys. If it’s okay for you, hell she should be able to do it too.

  9. bithewayon 16 Jun 2010 at 7:19 pm

    PArthur, are you addressing that at me? Cos you couldn’t be more wrong.

    I’m an alternating bisexual. I don’t want an open relationship. I just have the capacity to love guys or girls, I don’t pick my sexual partners based on gender. How does that make me selfish?

    But that aside, lets assume I was the kind of person that wanted to have concurrent relationships. Where have I said that its only OK for guys to have multiple sexual partners, but not women?

  10. J_Bon 16 Jun 2010 at 11:56 pm

    Firstly, thanks for the article. It goes right to the heart of the matter on what makes being a bisexual guy in a relationship with a woman difficult to negotiate. However I think its valid to add one more item to the fear category: HIV/AIDS and other STD’s.
    The fear of abandonment, which you’re absolutely right to foreground, may be just emotional; and not have any other basis in reality, but I think being concerned for your health and the health of your partner is totally justified. If you go the “open relationship” route, it becomes reeeaally important to be honest about your outside encounters/relationships, and of course, to play strictly safe!!
    In my own relationship (10yrs!!) this has come up and certainly affected things. We have both been careful to play safe, but condoms do occasionally break, and we’ve had a couple scares with our outside partners. More than anything I think the fear of HIV translates into fear of having other partners; so even though we’ve agreed that we have sexual needs we want to express with other people, we seldom do!!
    Has anyone else in an “open relationship” experienced this fear and inhibition as well?

  11. bithewayon 17 Jun 2010 at 1:12 am


    I considered adding fear of STD’s / HIV / AIDs as it had come up in my own experiences, though I left it out because I’d never heard anyone else report the same aversions.

    Back in summer 2008 I was dating a girl “V” I told her I was bisexual and her first response was “Do I need to get myself tested?”.

    “No love, I said I was bisexual, I didn’t say I was a slut!” I replied.

    I knew for a fact that she’d had unprotected sex with several other guys before she met me. I also knew I could count my number of sexual partners on one hand.

    Pot Kettle?
    I really lost interest in her after that remark.

  12. Marieon 17 Jun 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Speaking from personal experience, I have no problems with having a boyfriend who is bisexual. To be honest, I prefer it because it opens up new windows of conversation & it means he’s way more open-minded. I can relate with that much more than a “straight” man who refuses to discuss these ideas.

    As far as being afraid he might be gay or that he’ll cheat with a man on the side, I think this doesn’t have to do with someone’s sexuality. This is a trust issue. Just because your man is bisexual doesn’t mean he’s going to go sleep with a man even though he is with you. If you are monogamous with him – it should be like being with any other guy who is faithful to you. The woman needs to be secure in her relationship with him and trust that her fears don’t have merit.

    I’m sure that every guy knows that practically ever woman finds other women attractive – that doesn’t mean that the woman he is with is going to sleep with one. The concerns might be valid, especially if you feel he may not be completely honest with you and every woman needs to trust those feelings, but if this is not the case – I say get over it!

    PEace & ♥

  13. Anonon 23 Jun 2010 at 9:07 pm

    It doesn’t help that many people confuse the different perspectives amongst bisexuals. Bitheway as you stated for example is the kind of bisexual that doesn’t distinguish between genders with attraction, I’m like that myself. On the other hand some bisexual people have what could perhaps be called “parallel” attraction to both genders, where instead of having a single attraction that is not distinguished they have a separate desire for each gender.

    Of course in my case complications are multiplied by disability (visual impairment). That’s another entire topic in itself though, I could probably write an essay just on that.

  14. Ellioton 26 Jun 2010 at 4:43 am

    (I posted this same query to the alternating bisexual, I feel it applies to both)
    I have been with my wife for 6 years. We dated for four and then got married, we currently have one child together and another on the way. I told her in the first year of the relationship that I thought I might be gay and ended the relationship. After further analysis I realized I truly missed her and I didn’t want to be with anyone but her. (we ended up getting back together) I have come to understand that I am bisexual. While I have never been with a man I do enjoy watching gay pornography and can be attracted to men. She accepted this when we got back together and since we have had a very loving relationship. However, the problem I face is this. Every time she “catches me” looking at gay porn or sees where I have been on the internet it spurs up issues of her feeling inadequate and thinking that I am gay. What I feel is this, I could be with anyone of any sex. I CHOSE to be with her, she is my best friend and is the one I am always sexually ignited by and love. I was wondering what I could do to put her at ease. I often feel like our own sexual relationship is suffers because she fears I will eventually tell her I am gay and leave her. What can I do to explain that being bisexual means you are attracted to both sexes, and doesn’t mean you want to cheat in any way.

  15. Bethon 01 Jul 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Dear Bitheway ( I didn’t know where else to post/email)
    I hope this post does not bore you, my situation seems a little specialised, but no other sites seem to have the sort of information I’m looking for, this site seems very promising indeed. Please be warned I am very poor at putting what i mean out correctly, so I apologise if i offend at all in any way.

    I’m 16 and still at school. I recently started speaking to a friend who i share many of my classes with and have general fun with. I’ve always had a “soft spot” for him and recently decided to give him my number. He seemed to love the idea and as our first date we went hillwalking, this is an activity we both enjoy as well as music.
    We had a great time out and about and the two of us were acting like typical teens, talking about various topics from the best flavoured ice cream to the meaning of life.
    However, on our way back down towards home, we hadn’t properly discussed “the next step” as I believed it would be nice to officially call myself ” taken”.

    He then came out with: ” I really do like you…. But I’m having a slight problem… I’m bisexual and have fancied (anonymous) in our year for a about a year now”

    At first, i thought he was joking but then he talked about it a little deeper.

    I’m really worried about the both of us, I said that it was fine, and completely suppported him.

    He is a very confused person right now, he said he doesn’t want to fancy this person and would MUCH rather “fall madly in love with me” -Typical.

    He is a very philisophical person who told me he wants to think things through before going any further- I said that was totally understandable and kept my shock/hurt inside.
    The confusing thing is, because he’s so young, he’s even blatantly told me that he also had a major crush on my best friend ( female) a few years back, and that he finds me attractive. He doesn’t want this ot be awkward for us but I now can’t help feel a little worried that staying with him would be a silly idea. If i’m kissing him, is he actually picturing this boy ( or another girl) kissing him instead? I feel slightly less attractive now.

    Although I’m glad he told me before we got into anything serious, I know we are both still very young and have alot to experience, How do i know that in ten years’ time, he’ll decide that he’s gay instead.

    I treasure a friendship with him, but we both want to be in a relationship, but my mother said i should ” forget about it” because its 95% likely he’ll change his mind about his sexuality by the time he is 20. As if he is going through a teenage sexuality transission.

    I feel quite priviliged that he told me ( he hasn’t told ANYONE else) and i have promised him not to tell anyone- I have stuck by this ( except my parents, who don’t really care to be honest, but I need advice as whether or not to get over it and have a bit of a broken heart ( supporting him of course, i care about him too much to let this difficult time get to him!) or keep trying and see whether or not he’ll stay. I’m now very confused and although I really do not want to lose this guy ( He’s an absolute gem!) I can’t help but feel I should just leave it be and let University life be a new beginning for him, sexually, because, high school is not a place to be confused about your sexuality, unfortunately ( we were both victims of bullying when we started high school, which is how we met and became friends).

    If you can help me in any way at all as soon as possible, even if it is a blatant message to : “MAN UP AND GET OVER HIM” then it will be much appreciated.
    Many thanks :)

  16. Anonon 02 Jul 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Firstly I’ll point out that he’s being entirely up front and honest about his attractions to both boys and girls. This sort of implies he wouldn’t be so deceitful as to think of someone else while, for example, kissing you.

    Secondly many people believe bisexuality is a myth, frankly they’re wrong. many people both straight and gay/lesbian believe bisexuals are “just confused”. He says he finds you attractive and had a major crush on a female friend of yours, that suggests to me he has definite attraction to girls. “95%” turn gay/straight before 20 is frankly rubbish of the highest order.

    Naturally I can’t say anything definitive about this boy without knowing him, I can say however that sadly your parents aren’t qualified to say that he’s in transition. In fact there is no “transition” in sexuality, there is only discovering something that was there all along and you either misinterpreted or suppressed it. Myself I misinterpreted my attraction to men as teenage frustration which also lead to me suppressing it. It wasn’t until a few years ago, my now being 26, that I realised it. If he’s found his sexuality at that age then that’s a wonderful thing to me, and he just needs to build his confidence and security.

  17. anonon 06 Jul 2010 at 10:42 pm


    I am a 19 year old guy and I’ve been going out with the same girl (my first serious relationship) for about 8 months now. I’ve always been attracted to girls and I am still really attracted to her but there’s always been a small part of me that thinks I might like guys a bit too. This is really confusing for me because if I ever think about guys sexually interacting with each other or try to look at gay porn I feel disgusted and am not turned on. However, I do occasionally see a guy and think he’s good looking, also sometimes when I am watching normal porn I find myself watching the guy and enjoying it. I honestly don’t know if I am straight, bi or gay, moreover I’m not sure if I should say anything to my girlfriend. Am I being unfair to her by not talking to her about my feelings? I often read messages where people say that eventually things will become clearer but the attractions I have described above have been more or less the same for a good 3 or 4 years now. Any advice would be much appreciated

  18. bithewayon 06 Jul 2010 at 10:54 pm

    Hi there anon!

    I wouldn’t say anything until you are sure of your feelings.

    Sexuality is a continuum, there is room for all levels of same sex attraction (however mild) in the bisexual sphere.

    But you are not been unfair by not sharing feelings and thoughts you don’ yet understand. When you genuinely know what you want, then is the time to talk about it.



  19. anonon 08 Jul 2010 at 6:56 pm

    Thanks that was a helpful reply- hopefully time will eventually make things clearer

  20. Mikeon 19 Jul 2010 at 5:34 pm

    I am a 40 year old married man. I only found this site two days ago, and it gave me the courage to do what i did last night, and i just wanted to post what happened.
    I have known for some time that i am Bisexual, i would say im about a 2 on the kinsey, if these scales mean anything.
    I was having a talk with my wife about our relationship as a whole, and we got around to the topic of sex. I decided it was time to tell her how i feel. So i got all my courage together and, not knowing what kind of reaction i would get, came out to her.
    It wasnt easy but she made me feel very relaxed and was, to my surprise, very supportive and understood totally. she told me that she had, in the past, fallen in love with a woman so she knew that attraction is not gender specific.
    I feel so much better now that she knows.
    I will not be coming out to anyone else because, 1. it would cause too many problems with family who wouldn’t understand. and 2. i dont really think its anyone else’s business what i do, i didn’t go around years ago telling everyone that i was straight.
    The best bit of all of this is that my wife is now open to the idea of exploring my Bisexuality, and is also eager to try new things……..What a great result.
    Sometimes people can surprise you with their reactions.
    I suppose what im saying is i dont think people should feel pressurised into coming out, you have to do it if and when it feels right. sometimes the results can be surprisingly good. Hope this is mildly interesting to you, and thanks for helping me to get the courage
    Thank you

  21. Annon 21 Jul 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Hello everyone. I am an 18 year old female and my boyfriend of 3 years came out to me yesterday. I’ve always had the feeling that he’s not completely straight and have long accepted that part of him :)

    I know that he loves me very much and this confession has just reaffirmed that for me. I am honored that he feels close enough to me to tell me something this personal and intimate. However, he also confessed to me that he took so long to tell me because he was afraid I would “like him less”. I think this is silly. If anything, I feel that this information has made our bond stronger. He’s still very insecure about his sexuality, especially what it means about his masculinity (…which is nothing really). He doesn’t talk about it much, but I know him well enough to know that it bothers him once in a while.

    Anyway, I would like to agree with some points of this article. I’ve been reading articles on bisexuality since last night, because I want to support him and just be more educated about it. I’ve been really surprised at the posts that some girlfriends have made, especially the ones about “telling them sooner”. I feel that these things aren’t just realized one day, and even if they are already realized, I feel that building up the courage to come out is a whole other process.

    I can sort of understand some people’s fears of their boyfriends wanting to experiment with men whilst still being in a relationship, but I also feel that this doesn’t apply to me. My boyfriend is the same exact person I fell in love with a long time ago. He told me last night that he would never cheat on me with a guy, and I believe him. And if one day he decides he wants to experiment with men, then I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. But for now, I’m pretty happy and content.

  22. Jenon 26 Jul 2010 at 3:55 pm

    I’m feeling kind of lost at the moment. I read your page and the comments and it has me feeling a little bit better, but I still would like some kind of reassurance from someone who knows about this subject.

    My husband of 3-1/2 years, came out to me yesterday. First he told me that he was interested in bringing another couple into our sex life. Which at first I was a bit upset with. I really never thought about that, and I was perfectly happy with our sex life. He has been talking for a while about wanting to spice things up, but I never thought that he meant that he wanted more people involved. I really feel like I’m not good enough now, like he is telling me that he wants to find out if there is someone better out there.

    But then he told me that he wants to find a married couple that will allow him to “test the waters”, so to speak. I really never thought that he would want “those” things. He also wants me to be there for it. Not being bisexual myself, I am unsure if I can deal with the thought of him in those situations, and also putting myself in a bisexual situation. I think that I handled his news pretty well, and I was open about talking to him about his feelings, but secretly, I am worried about the outcome of a situation like this on our marriage. I am also scared about the risk of disease.

    After concidering it, I don’t think I would mind having 2 men and me, as long as I feel like my husband won’t decide he prefers that over me. He told me that he wants to be married to me and he could never just be with a man, so I shouldn’t worry, but just the fact that he wants to know what it is like scares me. He said that he has been depressed about hiding this secret from me and that he feels better now that it is out in the open. I am glad that he doesn’t have those kind of secrets from me, but I also don’t want an open relationship where he can go out of find partners on his own that I don’t know about. Is there a way of allowing him to experience it without the fear of abandoment I am feeling now.

  23. bithewayon 26 Jul 2010 at 8:36 pm

    Hi Jen

    I completely understand where you’re coming from and you have every right to be anxious and its only natural to have concerns. Threesomes are notoriously tricky things to negotiate and difficult to get right, there’s always a risk someone will be left as “bystander” and feel hurt and left out. The saying “twos company, three’s a crowd” has never been more true than in the bedroom. Its a delicate thing to get right and requires all parties to make an effort to consider everyone’s feelings and desires.

    At risk of turning a threesome in a mechanical encounter, its often worth negotiating and deciding how the session will pan out before it starts. Scripted sex might not sound particularly sexy, but if you ever venture into the BDSM community you’ll find that most sessions have a loosely agreed plan to ensure everyone’s limits are respected. A threesome, which has the potential to cause a lot of emotional hurt if done badly, should be no different.

    However, your specific anxieties about “what if he decides he prefers that over me?” also need to be addressed. You shouldn’t agree to a threesome until you have addressed them. Here I think its important to realise that most people (including most men) really aren’t so shallow as to choose our life partner’s based on “who’s the best shag”. I’m prefer sure I’m not the best lay in the world (in fact I have it on good authority that I’m not), and no offence, but on the balance of probabilities neither are you. But thankfully, we are not all shallow pieces of shit who judge one another by filling in a survey sheet after every encounter in the bedroom.

    We consider a lot of other factors, like companionship, loyalty, compassion, intimacy and love. Its not all about sex.

    The overwhelming majority of straight-leaning bisexual men I have spoken to, treat sex with other guys as ‘just sex’. Many explicitly say they could never fall in love with a guy and that the sexual acts they perform with other guys involve no intimacy and they are keen to emphasise that the feelings they have during sex with a guy are completely different from the feelings they experience with women, in particular the feeling they experience with someone they love.

    So in a nutshell, whilst your husband might get off playing with another man’s penis, he is highly unlikely to decide he prefers it to you. Because to him the guy he is sleeping with is just a penis, a cock to play with, whereas you are his companion, his lover, his friend and his soulmate. A penis cannot compete with that.

  24. GMon 01 Aug 2010 at 3:31 am

    My boyfriend is open to me and no one else about his bisexuality (although he resists the label entirely and we both tend to consider sexuality to be a sliding scale that is unique to everyone and can change over a lifetime with some aspects of it being more important at times than others).

    My reaction to his “coming out” was calm and collected. I was surprised but not hurt or worried and he talked to me about how grateful he was for that and to have someone he trusted enough to tell. We’ve now been together quite some time and we are great communicators and talk a lot about our sex life (which is great btw).

    I’ve raised the issue of his sexual attraction to and curiosity for men a few times (which he has never explored physically) and it’s been an ongoing discussion. I’ve told him that I do not want him to always be thinking “what if” or feeling unfulfilled and especially that I want him to be able to discuss any desires etc. with me.

    While he admits that he is curious, he has resisted the idea because he feels fulfilled in our relationship but I believe that this is partly because he is too afraid of hurting me.
    When I say that I am willing to consider creative solutions to his curiosity he has mentioned that the only way that he would considering any sexual activity with another man would be if I were involved and it were with someone he trusted. While I said I’d entertain the idea if he really wanted this, he has not continued the discussion or suggested anything. I’m pretty open to the physical aspect of this exploration for him, I am kind of afraid about the idea of him suggesting anything because if he is interested in someone he trusts (and is therefore close to) I worry about the emotional connection between them and feel threatened by the idea of it. At the same time, I don’t want my bf to resent me because of his inability to explore that side of his sexuality.

    I’m sure there’s no “right” answer to this dilemma, and I will not push my boyfriend (or myself for that matter) to do anything, but I feel a bit trapped, especially because I have no one to talk to about this considering I’m the only one he has “come out” to.


  25. johnon 07 Aug 2010 at 3:58 am

    I thought this was an interesting article even though my situation is a little different in the sense that I’m a straight male who’s older male friend (who comes from a very conservative family background) finally admitted to me that he is bisexual (I suspected he had a thing for me, but it wasn’t until 6 months later he admitted it) I was quite honored that he felt he could trust me enough to admit something like that to me and it was cool that he obviously felt better having gotten it off his chest. My response was how lucky he was to be able to have experiences, with men; that I will not have.

    to Ann, I agree with the substance of what bithway says, but I think he might be coming at it from that wrong way (no offense man). They key here is not that you ‘see’ him in a sexual situation with another man, but what it ‘represents’ emotionally to you. While it is not my place to guess what those associations may be. I think you should sit down and talk to him about it and if you love him ( I get the sense that you do) be receptive to it but perhaps suggest you need time. My HO is it is crucial that you be there so that you are a ‘part’ of this. Sexual identity is a crucial part of who we are and, as hard as it may seem, it is a part of him as a person. Stay in constant communication and try not to “talk about it tomorrow”.

    2nd and more importantly, I would suggest you sit down and honestly ask yourself why your afraid of losing him and why you ‘feel inadequate’ and/or what other feelings this creates and explore them objectively. I would recommend you do this alone. While I cannot know what you’re going through, I think we can say you’re not inadequate and when he ‘says’ he wants to spice things up, he is trying to deal with his own fears and issues in the context of maintaining his relationship with you while you hear, spice things up because I do not arouse him anymore. Not to sound flippant or cliche, but if you are there and can accept this part of his identity, your relationship would probably be stronger because if he can tell you this, he can probably tell you anything. Just my 2 cents.

  26. johnon 07 Aug 2010 at 4:00 am

    sorry, I was addressing Jen in that last post.

  27. Alishaon 09 Aug 2010 at 10:39 pm

    First, I want to thank you for this article because I did not know much about this topic and I felt like the only female dealing with this. My boyfriend and I have always been open about talking about our sexual fantasies and one of his big ones is MMF threesomes. It never bothered me until I found out about past experimentations my boyfriend had with a male. The situation was even worse because he did not tell me himself, I found out about it. When he finally fessed up to what happened, he initially told me it was a threesome with his ex and he was just curious to try it. I later found out it was something he did on his own and had cheated on his girlfriend with a guy.

    He swears he is not gay and not even bisexual, and it was just something he tried a few times. What worries me is that he won’t admit he is bisexual and I am afraid that he is just denying who he is. He won’t talk about it anymore and gets upset if I bring it up. What scares me the most is that he lied about it and won’t try to figure out what it means. Could it be possible it was just him experimenting? Or is he bisexual or gay and won’t admit it to himself? And yes I do have fear of abandonment, so I would like to get a clear idea of who he is. Any advice?

  28. bithewayon 09 Aug 2010 at 11:41 pm

    Hi Alisha

    Well first up your boyfriend certainly doesn’t sound like he is gay. He does sound like he is, or was, bisexual, but it could simply be that your he rejects the bisexual label, it could also be that he no longer feels any kind of sexual attraction towards men.

    Sexuality is a continuum, its transient and it varies. To put it down to experimenting is to deny the reality of the situation at the time, but to infer that the same feelings persist is dubious at best. If you doubt this, ask yourself if you still want to sleep with the boyfriend you had when you were 16? Feelings change right? Same can apply here.

    Don’t push a label on your boyfriend that he doesn’t want. Bisexuality is a difficult tag to live with for many people.

    Above all else, don’t assume that a person is in denial or wants anything other than what they say they want, just because you can’t reconcile their past behaviour with a their refusal to adopt a label.

  29. hindi newson 13 Aug 2010 at 9:56 am

    Hi Alisha,

    Don’t push a label on your boyfriend that he doesn’t want. Bisexuality is a difficult tag to live with for many people.

  30. Maggieon 24 Aug 2010 at 11:12 pm

    I’ve been coping with my boyfriend’s bisexuality for a couple of months now and this article has helped me kind of heal. We’ve been together for 4 years and about 8 months ago I found explicit texts and emails from him and random men on craigslist. Emails that have been going back and forth for about a year. I was mortified, disappointed, angry, and hurt at first but of course tried to accept it. I love him and we’re slowing trying to accept his fantasies as an addition to our sex lives but from time to time, my mind gets flooded with questions and doubts. Questions about whether he truly finds me attractive? Will he leave me for another man? Or will he once again email someone behind my back? How do I learn to get the trust back?

    He has opened up a lot about his desires since I found out in Jan. He says he is curious about having a man touch him and being physical with a man, though not wanting a relationship with one. My question is what do I do? How do I fit into this equation? I can tell that his feelings for me have not changed but how do I get comfortable with something I’m not used to. We are taking it day by day and not doing anything I’m not comfortable with but how do I get comfortable?

    I understand that we are all sexual creatures and we have different turn-ons and turns-offs. Do you have any advice on how we can make his fantasies something we both can enjoy?

  31. bithewayon 25 Aug 2010 at 6:11 am

    Hi Maggie

    You’ve asked a fair few questions, there I’m not sure how many are rhetorical, but as I think a lot of people ask similar questions its worth giving an answer to each in turn.

    (1) Does he truly find you attractive? & (2) Will he leave you for another man?
    Be honest, is he the only man you find attractive? Are there not other men out there that you think are hot? Of course there are! Most guys will also admit they find the nearly-nude models in FHM and the like attractive too. And whilst given the chance, most of us would like to like to shag Megan Fox, few of us really want a relationship with her. Bisexuality frequently works on the same principal. We have our partner, the person we love, but we are attracted to other people, just like straight people. However unlike straight people, we’re attracted to people of both sexes. To us gender is just another physical characteristic, like hair-colour or height.

    So in case you hadn’t worked it out yet. The answers to your first two questions are “Yes” and “No” respectively.

    (3) Will he once again email someone behind my back? and (4) How do I learn to get the trust back?
    Men lie to their girlfriends when they are prevented from doing things they want to do. Often fear or shame prevents them from being open or honest about what they really want, but sometimes its knowing that their girlfriends will be pissed off if they knew about it. Example, I have a friend called Ian who lies to his girlfriend about the times we play football. She gets home from work about 8, the same time we finish playing, but he always tells her we play an hour later than we do so he can go to the pub with the lads after the match. He lies because he knows his girlfriend will give him grief for choosing to spend time with the lads rather than with her (they only have two nights off together each week). It pains him to lie about it, but its the only way he gets to do what he wants to do.

    The lesson here is if you don’t give your man a reason to lie to you, then he won’t. Men hate lying, but we hate our girlfriends bitching at us more. So when it boils down to a choice between being honest about what we want to do and being bitched at about it, or lying and getting a quiet life we almost always opt for the later.

    If your boyfriend feels like he can be open and honest with you and that in doing so you will be understanding and measured in your responses, then he will have no reason to lie and you’ll have no reason to distrust.

    (5) He wants to be intimate with a man what do I do? – how do I fit into this?
    That’s up to you and your boyfriend, there’s nothing to stop you guys having a threesome, but you have all be fairly comfortable and self-assured for something like that. But maybe it doesn’t involve you at all. Maybe its something he’ll do without you. Like play darts or watch the football. Either way its not something to rush into, you kinda need to eliminate your insecurities first.

    The first step is to realise that most bi-guys don’t want a relationship with a man and don’t want to fall in love with a guy. We just want the sex. We’re quite capable of having casual sex without attaching greater meaning to it. The trick is to remove your own emotions and perceptions from the equation and to try to see things in the same way as you bisexual boyfriend. Its not about love, its not about commitment, instead it’s all about getting off, its all about releasing those endorphins, those happy brain chemicals, the same chemicals that get released during intense sporting activities. Which again is another metaphor that can help with acceptance. If your boyfriend wants to meet men for casual sex, then try to think of it as meeting guys to play football or squash.

    Its just sport. Not love. Don’t confuse the two.

  32. dcon 26 Aug 2010 at 8:26 pm

    Just found this site after telling my girlfriend this morning. Something I’ve been confused about for a while but getting to me lately. Just wanted to be honest with her.

    She handled it pretty well and we both agreed that there we can make this work. We were both just kind of shocked and scared by it all. I said to her, I know this can work, I just need to here it from someone.

    That’s what I found here. This post and comments really helped with all of this and will continue to be a great resource. I didn’t expect to find such positive reinforcement so quick and successful stories.

    Feels great. Thanks.

  33. vinnyon 27 Aug 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Hi guys,

    I am a girl and would 100% enjoy having a bisexual or bi curious boyfriend! The idea actually turns me on…But my main point is – please, never be with somebody who doesn’t unerstand this part of you! It is not worth is. Some people would love it, some – hate it, some will leave you. But don’t ever deny yourself! Your sexuality is a thing to be enjoyed and celebrated, and explored.


  34. Momon 04 Sep 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Just 2 days ago my 28 year old son came out to the family. Naturally, my world will never be the same. I am so proud of him for finding the courage to do this. I cried, and I’m still crying, not because he’s gay, but because I now realize what a miserable existence he’s lived up till now. I had some gnawing feeling when he was very young, between ages 5 and 12, but he became so good at hiding it from all of us, that I totally was taken aback when he came out. Throughout high school and college, and until recently he’s dated women. He says he enjoys spending time with them, but he feels he can’t truly love or commit to one. He’s also confessed that he’s never had a relationship with a man, and that he actually was homophobic because of the fear that he might slip up. One of his girlfriend who is bi, and one of her gay friend have been guiding him for the past 3 weeks or so, and gave him the tools and the courage to come out. I am happy for him, that he’s finally recognized his potential in finding happiness. But, I am very confused, how could he say he’s attracted to women and still be gay. Is he so programmed to feel that way, in order to hide his true feelings, or he’s one of those men that truly could connect with both sexes. Some might say he lives in the best of both worlds, but I feel that he’ll never be truly happy or make anybody else happy. I hope he finds the right person weather be man or women.

  35. vinnyon 08 Sep 2010 at 7:05 pm

    For Mom,

    I found your post very moving…I could define myself as Bi as I have had sex with girls and guys and enjoyed it all (I’m a girl). But this has left me wondering what really defines being bi…May be even more important is to know who can you truelly fall in love with…In that regard I’m very straight as i have loved men only and can see women only as friends…I think “truly bisexual” people are extremely rare – ones who love both sexes. I guess your son just haven’t expierenced love yet…And I’m truly glad to hear that you are such a supportive Mom!

  36. bithewayon 08 Sep 2010 at 9:13 pm

    @Vinny, you don’t have to “be able to love both sexes” to be “truly bisexual”. See my post “13 types of bisexual”.

  37. Samon 11 Sep 2010 at 4:25 am

    I have two problems with your assessment. First, you portray women as insecure and helpless by suggesting “abandonment” issues are at the core of female reaction to male bisexuality. You are right about one thing: your view IS sexist (and condescending). I hardly think the reaction of your past girlfriends is sufficient enough to stereotype all women.

    Secondly, you neglected to mention the NUMBER ONE reason women dislike homosexual behavior in men: REPULSION. There aren’t many women who would say with honesty, “the thought of my boyfriend ingesting another man’s ejaculate excites me.” And even fewer could watch the act without mentally crashing. The fact is, most women will NEVER accept this kind of behavior in men.

  38. bithewayon 11 Sep 2010 at 11:09 am

    Clearly I missed BIGOTRY as a reason in my assessment. To be honest I excluded it because, in the feedback I’ve received both in person, comments on the site and in emails from women asking for advice, it doesn’t seem to be that prevalent.

    If you are repulsed by the fact that two guys can be sexually attracted to one another, then you have big issues honey.

  39. Samon 12 Sep 2010 at 2:22 am

    This is your response? I like how you cleverly ignored my point about stereotyping women. Your tone is very defensive, and unnecessarily so. This can’t possibly be the first time you’ve heard this point of view (plenty of men feel it too). I’m talking about an emotion that is tied to EQUILIBRIUM, which is a core feeling from the gut, not something political (or adjustable, for that matter). The word “bigotry” is inappropriate here.

    There will always be people who have difficulty with same-sex relations; who are torn and can’t quite make sense of it. There’s no denying this, and no need to call people names over it. I return to my original point, which is honest: I have NEVER met a woman in my life who likes the idea of two men together.

  40. bithewayon 12 Sep 2010 at 3:57 pm

    Sam – I don’t need to address you point about Stereotyping, because the piece opens with the acknowledgement: “it would seem that generally speaking you can characterise the sentiments of women who have just discovered their boyfriend is bisexual as some or more of the following.”. This is not stereotyping, its simply discussing 5 of the most common reactions I have documented over 2 years of research. It does not claim to be exhaustive, it does not claim to cover all possible reactions. It does however, address the most common responses. You’re accusation of stereotyping is a baseless as accusing me of stereotyping women because I say that ‘generally speaking adult women are between 5 foot and 5 foot 8 inches tall’. You cannot write an article about modal norms whilst simultaneously caveating every remark you make, it becomes tedious for the author and for the reader.

    I think the word “bigotry” is appropriate to use here because you used the word “repulsion” (derived from ‘repulsive’) to describe the thought of two guys getting it on. Careful you don’t find yourself watching Brokeback Mountain in case you accidentally lose control of your pharynx and vomit into your pop-corn! For the record read the rest of the blog and you’ll find there are actually quite a few women who like the idea of two guys getting off together. However, most women are in my experience indifferent. They only start to object when their boyfriend is one of the two guys in question, but these same women would object if said boyfriend was snogging another girl too. So their issue is with the behaviour of their boyfriend, not with homosexuality which is where you have articulated your issue to be.

  41. vinnyon 13 Sep 2010 at 4:00 pm

    @ bitheway, thanx for sharing “13 types of bi” – hey, this was something new and refreshing for me :) That means I’m truly bi in the end…Yay! =)

  42. Melissaon 16 Sep 2010 at 3:19 am

    My fiance is bisexual and I’ve always knows this about him, from the moment we became friends over two years ago. We’re madly in love and actively planning our life together. A couple days ago he became really upset and told me that for the past couple weeks he’s been mainly attracted to men, and this scares him. He’s always been attracted to both at the same time, and has never focused on one specific gender to become aroused. He’s now confused and is really upset, continually saying “I can’t be gay! I can’t!” He doesn’t want to completely lose his attraction to women, because our relationship and our future happiness is at stake. He’s going to a bisexual support group tomorrow to get some advice on what he’s going through.

    Of course while his bisexuality has never bothered me before and it was never an issue, now I’m really scared that he will decide to leave me because of this new confusion. I don’t know what I’d do if he decided that he needed to take his life in a different direction without me. I can’t live without him. :”(

  43. bithewayon 16 Sep 2010 at 9:44 am

    Hi Melissa

    I know its easier said than done, but I don’t think you or your boyfriend should be too concerned about this. I’ve had “gay days” and “straight-streaks” since coming out as bisexual. I’ve written about them here: enduring-a-straight-streak/ and here: how-gay-are-you-feeling-today/.

    Whilst I’ve swung from one extreme to another for brief periods, I’ve always come back to my centre-ground. Hope that helps.


  44. Melissaon 17 Sep 2010 at 1:39 am

    Thank you for replying and offering help/advice. After going to the bisexual support group, my fiance is pretty much sure he is gay.

    We’re heartbroken and devastated, and we don’t know what to do now. Neither of us can stop crying. We can’t bear to live without each other. He’s my whole life, and I don’t think he knows what to do without me. But there’s no way we can just be friends. Maintaining close contact would be a constant painful reminder of what we have lost. I’m afraid this is the end. I feel like dying. Like I have nothing to live for.

  45. rehanna mungrooon 12 Oct 2010 at 5:36 pm

    In my opinion abandonment is the last thing to worry about. It’s trust and as a woman who has been thought this before one lesson I learned is that if it’s not there now it will never be. Women stop wasting your time with cowardly boys who call themselves men yet don’t even have the balls to be honest about what’s on their mind. Go and find the real man that god has in store for you. When you meet someone new they should be honest and upfront with you. Some one who not in touch with themselves enough to not be sure of who they are shouldn’t even be in a relationship let alone having sex. If he is coming out later in the relationship, break it OFF! Let him and yourself have time to heal and search for who you both are as individuals and most importantly what you are. I rest my case. Any one human being in this world isn’t worthy of the gift of elopement until they know who they are so they can be the best person they know how to be to the right person. Anything less is just selfish vain and unnecessary. Spare your self the heart break and again that comes along with the stress ladies. It’s in your hands!

  46. bithewayon 12 Oct 2010 at 6:22 pm


    That’s a pretty bigoted thing to say, those rules cut both ways and ought to apply equally to women. If we only dated people who were 100% in touch with themselves and their feelings the potential dating pool would shrink by about 90% overnight. Part of being in a loving relationship is discovering yourself and each other. You don’t know each other on the first date, you can’t reveal yourself and lay yourself bare on your first date especially if you don’t fully know you own mind, and lets face it, really, who does?

    Getting to know someone is like peeling an Onion there are many layers. As you peel back the layers it can sometimes make you cry, sometimes you peel back a few layers and realise the onion is rotten, but sometimes you find a sweet heart in the middle.

    Love is about taking chances, its about discovery, your sanitised ideals of self-knowing and self-revelation sound more like turning a romance into an emotional confession best left for therapists.

  47. Julieon 18 Oct 2010 at 6:46 am

    I have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 months, and he told me about one month ago that he had slept with two men several years ago. I was very surprised, but when I asked if he had been in love with them and he replied he hadn’t, I didn’t worry about it as I figured he was only physically attracted to men, not emotionally. He did tell me later on that those two guys actually had been his boyfriends, who he went out with for several months, but I still believed he had been with them for mainly physical reasons, and consequently didn’t worry about it. It seemed like he was attracted to me on both a physical and an emotional level, and I still believe that this is the case now. However, during an argument a few days ago he told me that the only reason why he wasn’t with a man is that he wants to have children. I was shocked, and he then amended his statement by saying it wasn’t the only reason, but the main reason. He is open about his bisexuality with his family and close friends, but I believe another important reason for him not to be with a man is that it would cause problems at work. I’m really confused now and don’t know what to think – did he just say what he said to hurt me (he does get hurtful intentionally during arguments), or is there actually some truth to it? He had several relationships with women, but none of them lasted longer than six months (he is 27). I know it is hard to say without knowing him, but is there a chance he will ever be genuinely happy with a woman? I really like him, care about him and would miss him very much… He asked me not to tell anyone that he was bisexual, so this seems like the only place for me to get some advice. I’m willing to put all my energy and strength into making this relationship work, but I don’t want to be wanted mainly for the fact that I can give birth…

  48. bithewayon 18 Oct 2010 at 9:32 am

    Hi Julie

    Whenever someone says something hurtful there is almost always some truth to it, that’s why it hurts. Also guys have a habit of being brutally honest to point of being blunt and insensitive. We say things without playing them out in our head first and only later realise just out hurtful they can sound.

    However, its entirely probable that he is with you partly or mainly because together you can make babies, but that’s also a prime reason that many straight couples are together. To raise a family.

    Still its not like he chose you just because you are a “baby incubator”. If that was the sole basis for his selection any fertile woman would have done fine. But of all the women in the world, he chose you! And if you rethink this, in a odd sort of way, what’s he’s also telling you is that another guy can’t compete with you either. No matter how hot or sexy a bloke is, he can’t make your boyfriend a Daddy. You can, and he picked you out of a sea of potential female partners.

    So in a roundabout “guy-think” kinda way, you could take this reassurance that you are the one.

  49. Julieon 18 Oct 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Hi Bitheway,

    Your way of looking at the situation does feel quite reassuring. I guess what I’m really worried about is that one day he might realise that he can’t cope with the fact that there is something I just can’t give him – and I wouldn’t want him to feel like he was missing out on something important in life, just because it makes things easier at work… because as far as I’m aware, there are ways for two men to have children, even if only one of them can be the biological father.

    I don’t know enough about bisexuality to fully understand to what extent the decision for one sex and against the other can cause problems later on in the life of the person who made that decision. I’m worried about my own feelings, because I believe the fact that he never stayed with a woman for longer than half a year should tell me something, and I’m worried about him because I’m not sure if he is being entirely honest with himself. I have a feeling that raising a family with a woman is the easy option to him, but not what he really wants. I know it’s pretty much impossible for anyone to figure out just what he needs to be genuinely happy (or at least content), but you might have an idea if it is common for bisexual guys to approach things this way, and if they later on end up regretting their choice. I have only been with him for a very short time, so having children is not really an issue yet, but I don’t want to be naïve about it and end up with a broken heart. I know that there aren’t any guarantees for “straight relationships” either, but I feel like the fact that he prefers men will make it even harder for us to make our relationship last. Am I being too pessimistic?

  50. Theresaon 24 Oct 2010 at 4:46 pm

    I have a different take on this issue, I’m Bi, my husband is about as straight as they get – initially he was surprised, then curious in a timid way – like I said, he’s a straight as they get. It must be very difficult emotionally to come out to a wife or girlfriend. I only ever had one boyfriend express distaste at my orientation – straight men do seem to like the girl on girl action, which is fine by me, because I enjoy guy on guy action a lot – guess I fall into that rare category. I understand the issues surrounding fear of abandonment though, as this is my husband’s greatest fear – that I’ll run off with someone else – anyone else, with women as well as men on the list, the imagined potential for abandonment escalates out of proportion. The only way to deal with that is to be completely open about your feelings.

  51. Theresaon 30 Oct 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Hi Julie – in case you’re dropping in to read posts. Being bisexual isn’t a decision you make, simply put you feel sexual attraction for both sexes to a greater or lesser degree, not just one or the other.

    Your partner may not have stayed in a relationship for longer than 6 months previously because he just wasn’t ready to settle down, lots of people are like that, the idea of commitment can be very scary.

    But, he has told you he’s bisexual which I would take to mean that he’s pretty keen on you and wants to be open with you. I don’t think that he just wants to raise a family with you only to run off with another man – None of the bisexual men I know would ever consider doing something like that – those that are married, got married because they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with the woman they married. Those who aren’t married, say they haven’t found someone male or female that they want to spend the rest of their lives with and want to continue playing the field, and are really careful about using contraceptives, they don’t want anyone to get pregnant “accidentally on purpose” (which is something a couple of my straight female friends have done).

    He’s not just with you to have kids – he’s with you because he likes/loves you and wants to be with you. Don’t go looking for hidden agendas, just accept that he wants to be with you – for however long that may be.

  52. Jaceon 21 Jan 2011 at 12:24 am

    Not a big sample size either, but I have confessed to two girlfriends about my attraction to, and sexual interest in other men.

    First girlfriend, five years ago: “That’s SO hot. I’ve always had this fantasy…” She really encouraged me to explore my sexuality, always with her involved, and later, when she went overseas (she was in the military), in my own.

    A few girlfriends later, I dated a girl for a while and once we had been sleeping together for a while, I told her that I had sexual experiences with men. She asked “You’re gay?” I said I wasn’t, that I was very attracted to women, but I was also interested in men. “Like, what do you want to do with men?” I told her. She started crying. The relationship continued for a while, but it was doomed.

    So it just goes to show you that there are a lot of different reactions and sexual experiences.

  53. J.on 22 Jan 2011 at 5:10 am

    Or you can just have love and relationships with men, and just have only sex with women.

    Many bisexual men like myself are into having monogamous relationships and romance/love with men and just having sex with women.

  54. Girlon 22 Jan 2011 at 10:14 pm

    David -

    I’m sure you get many requests for advice. If you can’t answer, I understand, but I would very much appreciate some advice. Any other bi guys, your advice is appreciated also, especially if you had a difficult time coming out. Here’s our story…

    We’re a young couple; late twenties. We’ve known each other for six years and have been married for three of those years. I found out a year and a half ago (a year and a half after our wedding) that my husband was cheating on me. He had had several casual sexual encounters with men he had met online. No “sex” (penetration) was involved at these encounters (at least that he’s admitted), but plenty of pictures exchanged, flirtations online, and then meeting up for handjobs.

    His initial reaction to my confrontation was vehement denial of anything beyond flirtation, but he finally admitted meeting with these men. Furthermore, he continued to deny any “real” sexual attraction to men. He stated that he was “just experimenting”, that he was 100% straight, and that he only was interested in meeting up with men because “he wanted to see what it was like” and “men really know what to do with the equipment, because we have it! Not that you don’t turn me on, baby” and “you work so much this time of year; I didn’t want my needs to be a bother to you.”

    My reaction was mixed; see your list of typical female reactions:

    1. They still love their boyfriend
    2. They are angry/hurt he didn’t reveal his bisexuality sooner.
    3. They are worried he might decide he is gay.
    4. They want him to be true to himself.
    5. They don’t want him to sleep with men on the side. (The monogamy clause).

    All of these are true for me except #2. Frankly, if he hadn’t cheated on me, I wouldn’t have cared if it took him twenty years to come out to me. Of course I want my husband to trust me enough to share his secrets with me, but we both grew up in a very anti-gay religious environment, and I can’t fault him for wanting to remain closeted. I am very angry and hurt, however, that he chose to have these sexual encounters behind my back.

    I have been, even in my hurt and confusion, very supportive of my husband’s sexuality. I constantly reassured him that if he is bi, I have no problem with that at all. In fact, I think it’s exciting and quite a turn-on. Given the appropriate level of mutual trust and communication, I might even be amenable to a somewhat “open” relationship, maybe. I have also expressed my support for him should he come out as gay. I realize that his orientation is not a reflection on me, and that coming out, for him, would be an extremely painful process due to aforementioned religious environment and probably family rejection. Through that process and many conversations, in therapy and just between us, he has finally described his orientation in his own words: “I’m attracted to femininity, whether in men or women.” I.e., he likes women, and he likes men who display some “feminine” traits. Other than that revelation, he has remained very uncommunicative about his sexuality. Our joint therapy sessions usually end up sidetracked on some other marital issue.

    I am not threatened by my husband’s sexual attraction to men or other women. However, I do need him to be open, honest and communicative with me about his attraction to men. We can move past the cheating, and for the most part, already have. If he is bi, great. If he is gay and in denial, however, I’m fearful he will leave me a few years down the road (see #s 4 and 5 above). If he is gay, I want him to come out now! (Yes, I realize it’s not that easy.)

    Here’s my dilemma. My personal therapist, who had never met my husband, is worried that I have “blinders” on and might be purposely not seeing the “obvious” – that my husband is gay – because I don’t want to deal with it. Truthfully, I’m ambivalent. One day I’m convinced he’s gay, the next I know he’s genuinely attracted to me. I agree there are a few things that don’t quite add up, for example, he’s supposedly attracted to femininity, yet I have always been a tomboy. Short hair, little makeup, don’t care about fashion, prefer physically demanding, competitive activities, not into anything girly, etc. etc. I have a nice rack and great legs, but that’s about it ;) Anyway, I know I need to support my husband and not be pushy, but it’s only fair to me to know what I’m dealing with.

    And, to throw in a twist, my husband is not a citizen of the country in which we’re residing. He’s only allowed to live and work here because he’s married to me. He’s about to get a great job here, and wants to live in this country long term. Admitting he’s gay might mean I would leave him, which would mean loads of paperwork at best, and at worst, being shipped back to his country of origin. (I would probably stay married to him at least long enough to help him get citizenship, if he told me he’s gay, but the point is, he has an extra interest in staying in a “straight” relationship beyond the usual social pressures.)

    Anywho, long story short: I need to know how to balance the following two things:

    1. My husband’s need for unconditional love and support, without me being too pushy or making him uncomfortable.
    2. A final, unequivocal answer to the question – is my husband gay or bi? It’s not fair for me not to know the truth.

    I’m especially interested in knowing some questions I can ask myself and my husband to bring closure to myself as to whether my husband is bi or gay. What are some “clues” as to whether a man is gay and deeply closeted, or just bi?

    Please don’t misunderstand me or take offense; I get that bi is a legitimate orientation, and I’m really hoping that’s true in my husband’s case. And again, it’s really important to me to be supportive of this man, whom I love, no matter what his orientation. However, when an objective, open-minded professional whose judgment I generally trust tells me I’m being naïve, I want to do my research.

    Thanks in advance for your help and understanding.

  55. Girlon 22 Jan 2011 at 10:30 pm

    One more thing… in addition your helpful comments here on this blog, can anyone recommend some good reading regarding bisexuality that I might find at my local library or bookstore? Most of the books I’ve found, while interesting, are not very helpful, as they either deal primarily with female bisexuality, or are very “scientific” and sort of abstract.

  56. bithewayon 22 Jan 2011 at 11:15 pm

    I’ll answer this point briefly… no, in hindsight I’ve never found anything worth reading about bisexuality in books. Answer to your main comment to follow.

  57. bithewayon 22 Jan 2011 at 11:25 pm

    Whilst you’ve given a lot of detail in your comment, its still really difficult to offer a meaningful level of feedback without meeting your husband. So I could be way off the mark, however it sounds like you are getting the balance right in terms of giving your husband the appropriate levels of unconditional love and support and it certainly doesn’t sound like you are being pushy.

    Is your husband bi or gay? Believe it or not you are actually readily able to answer this question yourself. Ask yourself, how is your love life? Do you turn him on? Does he find you sexy? The saying we have is “stiff dicks don’t lie”, which is a bit crude and crass but should sufficiently illustrate the point. If you have a good healthy love life, then your boyfriend is almost certainly bisexual.

    I also think your therapist has very limited understanding of these issues and I’m surprised that a trained counsellor would jump to the conclusion that your husband was gay.

  58. Girlon 23 Jan 2011 at 12:07 am

    Thank you.

    To be fair, my therapist didn’t actually use the word “naive”… that was sort of my interpretation. She has been very careful to not say that she herself thinks my husband is gay, but she does say that she is worried I might be burying issues I’d rather not deal with – and that there’s a strong possibility he’s gay given his extramarital activity, etc. She has legitimate reason to be concerned about my tendancies, given my temperament, *but* I have been uncomfortable with what I perceive as her being a little pushy on the gay thing. Anyway, enough about that.

    If you write a book on bisexuality, I’ll buy it. I’ve been reading more of your posts and threads while waiting for your response and found the information here very helpful, especially your analogy on bi men and sports. (Men who sleep with both men and women but who are only relationally attracted/attached to women.)

    So, it’s really as simple as the “stiff dick” test?! ;) I have asked myself if it’s possible for a gay, repressed man to really be that turned on by a woman… and he is…. and he finds me sexy… and I think he and I both agree our sex life is pretty damn good.

    Perhaps I’ll just have to be patient and let him open up and share more about his bisexuality in his own time…

    Again, thanks for your thoughts.

  59. bithewayon 23 Jan 2011 at 10:39 am

    Essentially yes, it boils down to the “stiff dick test” or a little more precisely and eloquently: Does your boyfriend enjoy your sex-life?
    As a woman *YOU KNOW* when you are turning him on.

    If you have a “gay man” who is really that turned on by a woman, than what you really have is a bisexual who simply identifies as Gay, probably out of social convenience or to reflect his predominant sexual preference. Remember bisexuality is a continuum, occupying every inch between 100% straight and 100% gay. If you are 1% Gay and 99% Straight then you are by definition Bisexual.

  60. Alexanderon 02 Feb 2011 at 2:15 pm

    First I would like to preface my comment by thanking everyone who has shared so far. I just read the entire thread that started over a year ago and have found it to be helpful, colorful, and emotional meaningful in many directions. I myself searched “male bisexuality” in Google a few years back and was left with this horribly inadequate and embarrassing study published in the NY Times. (http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/health/05sex.html). This was a much needed breath of fresh air. Right at the top of Google search and I say well deserved.

    I have been living a bisexual lifestyle for over 8 years now. I am and have been married to a beautiful bisexual poly amorous woman for almost 3 years and been together over 5. We both had fantasied about group sex(3 or more), but we were afraid to unwrap the onion to quickly. We have both had several boyfriends over the course of our relationship although we were monogamous for almost the first 3 years in the beginning.

    I met my wife when I 20 and she was 18. Just after a few dates I told her I had been with guys in the past, and was flat out attracted to both male and female. Parallel as another blogger put it. I have a desire for both men and women. I was very fortunate as this was the first woman or man I had dated for more then 30 days and the only the second person I ever really told I was a bi sexual too. She was impressed with my honesty mostly and just wanted me to be faithful, though not turned on or off by the idea it seemed to me at the time. I figured it was going so well why not just lay all my cards out, if I bust then it was not meant to be. I asked her to marry me after 2 months of dating.

    I had us move out of our 1 bedroom apartment and move to a house in the city with my best friend from high school after a year of marriage. My wife and I separated for 2 months after 6 months at the house. I asked her to move in with her best friend while I figured out what I wanted to do. She was super cool and was just like “I love you, I am call a way”

    I proceeded to have an affair with my roommate/best friend and after a few days of just us guys. I called my wife and asked her to come over so I could talk with her. When she got there I explained the situation and for the first time she looked really turned on by the whole idea. The fact my friend is gorgeous did not hurt.

    MMF can work really well with people who are comfortable with each other. Communication makes all things possible. Some things last, but this did not. Made it a few weeks, but I came to realize my friend was not really interested in my wife nearly as much as me. Jealously reared its ugly head and that house disbanded. I ended the affair with my best friend and moved into my parents house with my wife.

    So that’s the long/short story however you look at it, but here’s my question with a little more story. Is it possible for a gay or bi man to have a meaningful exclusive relationship with another man(with that man still being with a woman sexually) and not be having anal sex? I have been with enough men to know I do not like being on top or bottom. I do not think its wrong I have watched porn both gay and straight with anal. I just am not that fond of it myself.

    This has been an unachievable hurdle for me in my last two attempts at trying to fulfill my male desire. I have been accused of preferring women. I was ridiculed for saying I was not gay to one person after being intimate and trying to explain I did not want that.

    One time I was told “what are you doing here then?” This coming from someone who I told before hand I did not want to do that, and he thought I was being coy. I can honestly say I know myself. I have really taken myself off the look for any male activity after being made to feel like a tease from someone very dear. I want to love someone not put them through sexual frustration. It hurts when people think its you not knowing yourself that is not allowing you to be close. Am I asking to much, Honestly? Hope my question is not to out of place in your Thread.

  61. Ashbeton 05 Feb 2011 at 6:40 am

    @Alexander, I know (in a very close and intimate way) at least two bisexual men who aren’t into anal sex with men — and one of them has run into the exact same problem, being told he “isn’t bi” just because he prefers other forms of sex.

    I say, if you’re a man who is attracted to men and wants to kiss and touch and get each other off, that’s “genuine” male-to-male attraction. You’re not earning some kind of Bisexual Merit Badge for giving/receiving anal sex, after all ;)

    But, yes — one of my partners has been in a situation of being romantically and sexually attracted to and in a relationship with another man, and the same situation has comes up where anal sex is some kind of acid test for gayness.

    FWIW, I’ve also seen young gay men writing in to Dan Savage, wondering if they’re “really” gay because they don’t care for anal — and Dan has replied that a good 25-ish percent of gay men simply aren’t into it, and that doesn’t make them any less gay.

  62. TheVoiceOfReasonon 06 Feb 2011 at 8:02 pm

    I don’t think you are stereotyping and I don’t think you are being sexist. Fear of abandonment is a major issue here and it is UNDOUBTEDLY a much more powerful force in women (generally speaking). Some of them may not like to hear it but this is a biological FACT. Because, regardless of any catchy tunes by Destiny’s Child, women are, biologically / naturally / genetically, MORE DEPENDANT THAN MEN. And I’m not saying that because of any bias either. I am being totally objective.

    This is the result of EVOLUTION. A process that made us what we are today. A process that took place over billions of years in the WILDERNESS. And we have abundant empirical evidence to support this fact too. As placental mammals female humans have wombs and mammary glands. This in itself does not make them dependant on males but this is where it really all begins. They also have relatively long gestation periods and babies with relatively large brains. Furthermore, these big-headed babies are themselves highly dependant on their mothers for a relatively large proportion of their lives.

    So… Human babies are a massive burden on their mothers, which means human females need a lot of help and support in raising young. Because in the wild (where we evolved) it is virtually impossible for a female human to raise her offspring all by herself. And so evolution has favoured women that are afraid of abandonment (and thus inclined to hold on to their male partners). It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is just something to be aware of.

    And before anyone points out that we no longer live in the wild I would like to stress another very important point about evolution… It is a VERY SLOW process. We may now live in a environment where women do not have to be quite so dependant (and therefore afraid of abandonment) but unfortunately our genes have not had time to catch up. Ultimately we still have brains (and emotions) that are very much Stone Age tools. :)

    So yes… fear of abandonment is almost certainly a major factor here. And the evolutionary difference between men and women in this department almost certainly explains (to some degree) the difference between men and women when it comes to dealing with a “bisexual” partner. It just doesn’t explain why this fear seems to be exaggerated when it comes to “bisexuality” or why so many women seem to equate it with promiscuity. That is a slightly different story, which ultimately boils down to the fact that women with “bi” partners feel powerless to satisfy their needs. Because, although they may have wombs and boobs, there are certain anatomical appendages that they clearly lack.

    Really though ladies… don’t sweat it. Your boyfriend is always going to need other people (for various reasons) and you will never be the only person he cares for. Love is not a pie. There is plenty to go round. Your fear of abandonment is perfectly natural but when that fear becomes irrational it also becomes destructive. So whatever you do don’t let that fear lead to anger or resentment.

    What you have to keep in mind is that if your boyfriend was going to run off and leave you then he would have just done that (rather than telling you his deepest, darkest secrets). If anything his confession is actually a sign that he loves you very much.

  63. bithewayon 07 Feb 2011 at 8:52 am

    I’d just urge everyone to read the whole of VoiceOfReason’s comment before reacting to his words which could easily be taken out of context.

  64. hopeful meowon 02 Mar 2011 at 11:24 pm

    phew. Im not alone.
    we’ve been trying out MMF relationships and friendships and just sexships for a couple of years now. its up and down. I want my BF to be happy with himself and be able to experience all the things he needs to but he cant keep up with helping me be ok about whats going on too. Im trying to look after myself the best i can but I give him so much emotional time I take natural second place.
    I worried because I dont want to loose him, my bestfriend, partner, everything. Everywhere else in our relationship we’re like a cheesy perfect couple. I want to be okay about him seeing guys – they guy hes seeing right now is so nice and understanding towards me, hes not my taste but we get on just fine.
    i cant cope on some days. usually i feel really good about everything and look forward to seeing them together all happy and chuffed about whats going on. sometimes i just want a normal relationship where I can have my best friend/boyfriend treat me like im really special. not just his therapist or life guidence human who he can tap for advice. I just burst into tears when he does things out of his way for me because i appreciate it so much. I feel like a sap saying that.
    I would never force manogomy on our relationship I think its unsuitable. Its just on some days i cant deal with him and his (very nice) boyfriend, i just want us to have some time for each other. I dont know if we’re going to work out but i really want it too somehow. maybe im not right and im just trying too hard.
    hope this makes sense I feel so sad and desperate. we were friends for a few years before we got together and he told me some stuff about experiementing at school/college, but not about ‘still’ liking men until 6months into our relationship. Im glad he felt he could tell me and I totally accept his sexuality. its beating out the last bit of monogamist from me thats hurting so much.
    There’s no one who truely accepts our situation to talk to about this. when friends find out they look at me like Im cinderella admitting her crystal shoes are made of plastic – swanky sixties plastic – but not the real deal. I dont want pity I want help. We’re both Lonely.

  65. Gitzon 18 Mar 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Let me just first start out by saying how much I appreciate this site. I’d been feeling so utterly alone up until this point.

    While I appreciate this specific blog post, my situation is a bit different:

    2 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me in order to sort out his own bisexuality. Needless to say I was devastated and heartbroken. He’s my best friend and the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. This wasn’t entirely new news to me, however. Throughout our relationship he had voiced that he thought he might be bi. I always tried to be supportive and understanding.

    We still love each other, but I struggle some days with how to express my love, support, and understanding, while at the same time holding the tension of the hope that we’ll be together again someday.

    At this point it’s just a matter of does he want to be with men, or women. And if the answer is women he’s told me I’m the only one he wants to be with, and he has no doubt he’d be “supremely happy” with me.

    So, I guess any support, encouragement, words of advice would be greatly welcome. I just feel like I’m in a state of limbo these days.

  66. Dianeon 21 Mar 2011 at 3:39 pm

    I am so grateful to have found this site. My boyfriend is bisexual, but I discovered it without his knowledge (saw some emails, arranging liasions, when I borrowed his computer one day). He has not yet “come out” to me about it. We have been together for 18 months. We are both in our 40′s. I would stay with him and support his needs, but I’m not sure how to go about telling him that I know, and that he is “safe” with me. Your statement about abandonment issues hit hard with me – that is what all my fear is about. I feel that if he is hiding it (can’t really blame him), he doesn’t trust me and THAT fear is what bothers me. Not that he would leave me for a man, but that his trust factor and love factor is not there to allow him to be truthful. We are both keeping secrets and that is surely not healthy. I do love him, and don’t know what to do! Advice welcome!

  67. bithewayon 21 Mar 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Hi Diane, there are a number of reasons guys hide their bisexuality. The obvious reason is fear of losing the person they love (in this case you) but and equally compelling reason can be shame, many guys aren’t entirely comfortable with their bisexuality, its a dirty secret, a habit they wish they could kick but can’t.

    Rather than rush into things a blurt out what you know, when an opportunity presents itself to steer the conversation, gently test the water with a few probing questions about his views on sexuality without letting on what you know. See if he is comfortable in his skin. If he is then you can work on getting him to admit his bisexuality by providing an understanding and compassionate environment and just continuing to ask some leading questions, keep it relaxed keep it fun. Ask stuff like: “If you had to sleep with one man in the world who would it be?”

    But aside from this remember to stress the importance of honesty to him, make sure he knows that you will never be angry at him for being honest with you. For the sake of subtlety, you probably should raise this in a different context. For example if you are talking about a friend who’s relationship is on the rocks because her husband had an affair, then this is an ideal context in which to communicate this point to him.

    Its all about being subtle, laying the ground work and enticing him to open up to you. You’ll do it and your relationship will be all the better for it, especially if you can get him to come out to you rather than just blurting out what you know.

  68. Dianeon 21 Mar 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Thank you!!!

  69. Mikeon 23 Mar 2011 at 7:12 am

    When I came out to my girlfriend she was cool with it and it made our relationship so much better and me so much happier. Although I was not having intimate relationships with any other girls or guys, I still had to tell her, and I’m glad I did. Maybe I just lucked out with the right girlfriend.

  70. Happily married to bi-manon 04 Apr 2011 at 7:57 pm

    I am a heterosexual woman married to a bisexual man. He revealed to me while dating that he had had sex with other guys and was attracted to men as well as women. He told me this with dread, expecting me to freak out. In all honesty, I was intrigued. I actually find it fascinating. I have asked him to recount his experiences with other guys on numerous occasions as it turns me on. He has been gracious and open about it, answering any and all questions I’ve asked him, even years after his revelation. We have a great, honest relationship that is monogamous. I don’t think being supportive of a bisexual partner means you have to be into an open relationship, but rather you accept and love that person as they are. I know that you have had bad experiences with telling a girlfriend you are bisexual in the past, so I just wanted to let you know that not all of us straight women find it devastating, but yet another intriguing layer to an amazing person.

  71. MikeMon 07 Apr 2011 at 7:46 pm

    Am married for 13 years, we have a great relationship, kids, etc…about 4 yeras into our marriage I had a strong fantasies about men. I acted on them in brief anonymous “sessions” almost entirely with other married men. I would go through times when the guilt would make me stop and I would feel better…always unsure of my sexuality as I love my wife but loved these times of sharing with other married guys. At one point we discussed being bisexual and my wife made it clear that it was impossible to her, not something one can be at all. So here I was wondering what the heck to do. I wanted to tell her but knew her stance would mean losing my family. Years have gone by since then, I met a really nice guy. He is not married but gay. He assured me he is safe and disrete. We have know each other for nearly 9 months and I have fallen for him hook, line and sinker “fallen”. With these other male sessions it was all animalistic, getting each other off and heading hime is all it was. With my new friend it is so much more, a connection, he called it “magical”….A few weeks ago my wife began asking what was wrong with me, she could see I was in turmoil. She pulled me in close and told me she loved me with all her heart wna wanted to know what was wrong…I told her my feelings for her have changed and I wanted to be separated. A few weeks on and she has been devasted, we have gone to counseling several times and at no point can I state that I think I am Bisexual. My wife has even asked me and stated our marriage is not all about sex, that she wants to h elp me get through this, whatever it is, together. But I fear if I come out and tell her she will never understand or work on this or stay with me due to her past comments on the subject. I told my male friend what is going on and he gives mixed messages, he supports me but states he cannot step into a situation where there are kids and issues. I asked him point blank if we will be anything more in the future and he never says no but never says yes. He probably just wants to ensure we still have the times we spend together but thats it.
    Long and short I find being a Bisexual person stinks unless you have the courage and support system needed to deal with the truth. I began going to a therapist to gather the courage to reveal this to my my wife soon…

    So unsure, what do you think her response will be? I do not see her accepting this as she will surely feel cheated upon and hurt.

  72. Katon 10 Apr 2011 at 11:41 am

    I’ve run across this blog and am interested in reading the perspectives of each individual. I too just recently found out through computer files that my live in boyfriend is bi. Not only bi but the chats were rather disgusting in nature…really kinky stuff which I’ll be kind enough to not divulge on this forum.

    I confronted him and he has confessed and swears he was disgusted by his behavior and considers it an illness and wants to get professional counseling. He swears he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life in a monogomous relationship with me. However, I have several issues I can’t seem to over come.

    He knew that I had several situations in my life that had traumatized me regarding sexual relationships. A step-father that started “fiddling about” when I was only six, several sexual encounters by other male family members or acquaintances when I was really young, a husband that ran around on me a lot because he was in a rock band (36 women between April and December of one year) another relationship where I found out the guy had bisexual relationship because he was bi-curious and another where the guy was addicted to porn of young teenage girls.

    We had discussed our sexual desires and need for fidelity in depth before I moved in with him last August and he swore he would never lie to me or hurt me. I thought I had found the “one” I was looking for and thought of him as a good man.

    His nude pictures were posted on several kinky websites, he had given his cell phone number to numerous people and his address for the set up of “hosting” other men for afternoon activities.

    He not only lied to me about these activities of the past but he continued in at least online kinky chat sessions and web sessions with both male and female and had actually gone through the motions of setting up a 3some to meet on my birthday – of which he didn’t follow through.

    I feel so betrayed and personally I’m disgusted by any sexual matches of the same sex. I think it’s all evil and perverted. I don’t mean to sound judgemental, each to his own, but it’s not for me and I want no part of it.

    I can be open, sensual and a real vamp in the bedroom with the person I love but I’m not sharing with another woman and I certainly don’t want to live my life worrying if a man could give more pleasure than I can.

    He swears he will never commit another act like this but my trust has been stomped and I don’t know if I can ever get it back and trust him.

    The internet and all of these pay as you go cell phones make it way to easy to hide behind a rock. To me honesty, no matter which way you hang is of the most importance and unfortunately when you live an alternate existence too many people need to hide behind a mask. It’s just wrong.

  73. Dianeon 12 Apr 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Kat, I feel you – it’s a shock! I know how sick I felt when I saw all those things you describe. And yet – I can’t help but feel that one cannot help for whom they feel sexual desires. It is such a double standard – girls can be bisexual and be with other women, and it isn’t cheating, it’s “hot.” But for men, it is a “sickness.” It is so unfair – and yeah, who said life was fair, I know – but still!

    Mike, if you are actually gay, IMHO, you need to suck it up and be honest. No matter how hurtful, the truth is always best. I can tell you that if I were your wife, if you loved me, and had sexual feelings for ME, and promised to keep me physically and medically safe, I would support your bisexuality. This is the scenario I am hoping for with my boyfriend – if I can get him to confess. If he is getting off on the secrecy, he will NEVER tell me and I will have a hard decision to make. If he is scared to open up, due to fear of persecution, same thing. I feel so ambivalent with both of us keeping secrets.

    And by the way – the more I research this, the more I think I should just stop. This is such a very common thing (surprisingly enough) and some of the women out there are such vile human beings, I can’t stand it. The more I look, the more upset I get.

    Anyway! Thanks for ths opportunity to post here. It helps!!

  74. Dianeon 12 Apr 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Oh, just one more thing. It is AMAZING to me how deep down these feelings and urges can be repressed, and to what level these secrets are held. It cannot be easy on any level to live this way. That is part of my shock. My BF APPEARS to be such a relaxed, easy going, girl loving guy – which he is – but his dark side (for lack of a better term) – it is so deep under. He is going to snap one day!! All for fear of persecution, or, perhaps because he likes to have that dark secret. That in and of itself is a powerful stimulus.

  75. deniseon 19 Apr 2011 at 4:16 am

    I live with my boyfriend and his boyfriend and it is starting to hurt me, I have known about this but when they sleep in bed together, which is every night, I am getting jealous, we have great sex, best ever but that is when we are alone, should I leave here and him or stay because he is sooo good to me and I love him?

  76. Malcolmon 20 May 2011 at 10:50 am

    I’ve had a girlfriend for about 6 months. She is a real calming influence on me, we have a lot of fun and the sex is hot.

    I am attracted to men and women, but I tend to flirt with women when I’m out on the town, as it were.

    I think she knows about my bisexuality (we have a mutual friend who I have confided in) or ought to.

    But yeah, I am worried that she does have or will have doubts about me (that I’m just going through a transitional period for example) and it’ll affect the relationship.

    Any advice on how to bring it up?

  77. Dianeon 22 May 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Me, again! Malcolm, tell her! Without love and honesty, there isn’t much else.

    I find myself today with a terrible pit in my stomach. I read through this site when I panic, as I am now. My biBF is out of town. He has not yet “come out” to me, and I have not yet told him I know, although I have been laying groundwork to try to get him to tell me on his own. “bitheway,” your advice is so reassuring to me – I love him very much and he is very good to me and I really don’t care if he gets his rocks off with men from time to time. What I do care about is this lack of honesty on both sides. He is cruising while he is out of town this weekend. How do I know he is medically protecting me? Without both of us coming clean – he that he is actively bi, and me that I know, I am just spiralling. And you are right – it is all about fear and abandonment – but if he won’t tell me, he can’t reassure me, either. I am a train wreck.

  78. lynnmon 22 Jun 2011 at 8:35 pm

    Hi, i recently found out that my boyfriend of almost 4 years is emailing and posting on craigslist personals for male for male. He has emailed numerous men and i found out by searching his email. He does not know i know, and it is something that is in the back of my head and i know i need to talk to him about but i do not have a clue how to bring it up. I need suggestions on how to ask him and bring this up, with out a big fight. I am trying to cope with it because i do love him. But right now it is causing big problems in our relationship because he has not talked to anyone about this. He is going to be very taken away when i do talk to him about it and he does not like communicating the way it is! please help…..

  79. elizaon 03 Jul 2011 at 11:16 am

    Okay… So I’ve been reading a few of the articles and love what you have to say! I would really appreciate some advice if you could.
    I’ve been with my bf for just over a year, I’ve known him however, over a decade. We’ve been good friends all this time then finally decided to get together. We went through a lot of rough things so our relationship is not like most.
    About half a year in our relationship we randomly had a conversation about if I liked women and if I was interested in having a threesome. I said I think their pretty but that’s about it. I was lying. He actually eventually got me to come out and admit it. I was crying balling my eyes out in tears thinking he could never accept me or trust me the way I was. He reassured me that now he just loved me that much more and that he never felt so close to someone.
    Another half a year goes by and he gets a text early (too early to be acceptable) from a old friend, i yes leaned over grabes the phone and looked to see who it was and what it was about. The friend went into full detail about their last encounter how he missed him and wished he could have him. I couldn’t help but be horribly saddened and hurt knowing my bf was talking to this guy behind my back. I could help but instantly ask him why he felt like he needed to hide it all from me after he made me come out. Why he felt like it was okay to let other people talk to him that way when we were so deeply in love. He said “idk what You’re talking about and that you need to leave it alone.” I told him Idc about him being bi the fact thrills me that we share even that as a common trait! What I didn’t like was the sneaking and hiding… He made me become so comfortable with my sexuality I want and wanted so desperatly to help him! He was raised to hate gays though by the men in his life and hid mother is a bi single alcoholic so I can understand it all but after all our history. After all he helped me with, I just want to help and be there for him. He won’t talk about it though, it’s still a BIG secret and it’s like he’s disgusted with himself like I was…
    I know I’m kinda hopping here and there but there’s been a lot that’s happened and I just want to do the right thing… I love him so much with all of my heart, were 100% honest about everything else but with this… He won’t say a word… The air gets silent and he feels stiff everytime I meantion anything about it. Please help me, I wanna help my friend.

  80. Leenieon 10 Jul 2011 at 8:16 pm

    I’d love some advice/wisdom from any folks out there that are in committed relationships with a bisexual man/woman. My boyfriend of a year has always struggled with issues of sexuality…we are at this point starting to explore a more open relationship so he can sort of some of his own issues. We care deeply about each other, and are very new at trying to navigate the intricacies of this new form of our relationship and how we can continue to respect each other and our own boundaries. So if anyone can tell me a little more about how they’ve been able to maintain a healthy, committed relationship that is also somewhat open, allowing the partner who is struggling with sexuality to (for example) date both men AND women, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks is advance!

  81. worriedGFon 24 Jul 2011 at 10:29 pm

    I’m really glad I found so much info on this subject. I suspect my boyfriend is bi. Right now were fighting because I found a response to an ad for bi males…he lied to me about it. Honestly he is my best friend and partner. I love him w all my heart. I am bi and a very sexual person. We have a semi-monogimous relationship. Ie: we only participate in three ways etc. The idea of being bi while scary is exciting for me. It doesn’t bother me that he is at all. What bothers me us that he’s hiding it and Idk why :( anyone have advice on how to help him right now? I don’t want to lose him over somethin that could easily not be a problem. Help.

  82. Matthewon 02 Aug 2011 at 8:50 am

    I was very lucky to have grown up in the UCC church where I was accepted by church leaders as bisexual. I did have to come out at 17 and again at 19. But I never could have imagined how unaccepted my sexual preference is. I am also lucky to be in the art world where it is slightly more accepted. I tend to date more women than men. And now I am in a relationship with a biwoman. But often when I dated straight women or gay men it becomes a huge ordeal to prove I am committed or monogomous or not really straight or gay. It is a bit insane especially if your having great sex and your partner is like “are your sure your not gay?” ” are you sure your not straight?” Last Any Gay man who pretends to be bisexual is a freaking moran! I have received so much harassment from gay men I generally avoid the subject all together with them.

  83. Matthewon 20 Aug 2011 at 2:41 am

    I have accepted my bisexuality very early and lived it out. But I kept getting into straight monogomous relationships. This was not bad sexually BUT if I even looked at a guy, sat next to a guy etc. my straight girlfriend got a bit paranoid. During the relationship I didn’t look at gay porn or fantasize except two man crushes. Then when we broke up I started finding sex with men, in otherwords it was a bit oppresive to live like that. I am now dating a bisexual woman and I we are free to talk about our sexual desires. She is awesome and beautiful. Bisexual men who are more into women should really seek out bisexual women. By being more open sex with her is so much more loving and satisfying. My x straight girlfriend actually had a bigger sex drive but the lack of love and understanding was disturbing and not sexy at all.

    I do need to add that I think bisexual men also need to ask themselves honestly about preference. A good friend is bi and ten years ago though attracted to women and was married found his same sex partner more satisfying. He has had one sexual adventure with a woman with his partners knowledge and faithfully came back to him.

    Just as my partner totally trusts me, although I dated men I never bonded very well with them – they were more “friends with benefits.” and it was never the best place to start a long term relationship. But I am happy that my girlfriend is open to me exploring if something comes up. But I am sort of leaving that up to fate. It has got to be a really cool guy otherwise it really isn’t worth my time.

  84. angieon 20 Aug 2011 at 5:36 pm

    I found out about my boyfriend being bisexual through looking at his emails. I had no idea. I was so hurt but could not leave him. I honestly do love him and our relationship. I am also pregnant. I’m confused especially because he denies it but it is clear from emails and text messages. Which bother me even more that he is indenial. I don’t know what to expect from the future. Is our relationship already ruined? This is not a subject I can chat with about with my friends because I do not want them to know. I’m scared and afraid if he is not protecting himself will he bring me a disease? Will he honestly love me or can marry me because maybe I can’t fully satisfy him.

  85. Camon 24 Aug 2011 at 11:24 pm

    Hey hey,

    First of all, thank you very much for this site. I’ve been having some doubts about my sexuality lately and it has helped clear my head.

    I’ve struggled with my attraction to men for years. I finally accepted it and told my girlfriend. She was extremely accepting and she actually was turned on by the fact. We split up when I went to college and I got another girlfriend later on. When I told her that I was bi, she was very insecure by the idea of it. She left me (ensuring me that me being bi had nothing to do with it). I later found out that she told friends that I was bi and she couldn’t handle it. So…reactions differ. Don’t sweat that.

    I do however need some advice.

    I’m perfectly fine with my sexuality. I know who I am, but I’m not sure I want everyone to know because I don’t want to be looked down upon by anyone. People are going to think what they think, but that scares me. I don’t want my chances hurt with women or men. I’ve told some of my friends, and they don’t keep it a secret. My question is: should I need to? Will it really change my chances of dating?


  86. shamceyon 10 Sep 2011 at 6:34 am

    I do respect all the sentiments here and being a woman specially when you’re in love with a man, you sure would be willing to understand him as much as you can. But with regards with bisexuality, I don’t think I could live with a man who is bisexual, regardless of how much I love him. First we should all accept the fact that we are all selfish in our own little way, we want to be with someone whom we can share a long-lasting, loving relationship with honesty and respect. If in the first place a guy didn’t tell you about his true sexuality, then he had start a relationship full of lies. Imagine, when you invest your feelings to someone it’s not like you can take it back in a glimpse of an eye.

    People should be honest as possible when they are in the relationship, whatever your reasons, your fear, at the end you should just tell the truth directly because one way or the other, you would still hurt the person you’re with. Yes people are different and I believe we all have the tendency to be bisexual or whatever but still it’s about getting to know yourself and knowing what you really want. Sometimes I tell myself these people who are bi’s,lesbians,gays are really confused and I don’t condemned them for what they are but I pity them though. At the end of your life, you would still want someone, as in one person to be with, whom you would feel contented and fulfilled and usually people who are straight and know what they want achieve this.

    It would really hurt you when you find out that someone you love has lied to you all along, but it would hurt you more when you just let yourself be blinded with reality. If you think you love the person but you don’t want a bi then let him go but just let him know u two could still be friends. That’s the least thing you could do for him. And to all the ladies out there, we deserve a pure,honest, and long lasting relationship with a man who knows what he wants in life. Have a good day people!!


  87. JANEon 27 Sep 2011 at 10:14 pm

    My boyfriend is always hinting at bi-sexuality and loves the Rocky Horror Picture show and Torchwood. When I have asked him directly however he says that he is heterosexual. Other times he jokes that he is omni-sexual!

    Recently he was out for a pint after work, on his own and was propositioned by a man. The man gave him his phone number and told him “you are the same as me”. He phoned me very tipsy to tell me what the guy had said. He asked me ‘why does this man think I am gay?”

    He is very keen on sex with me, and yet had no sex with his soon-to-be ex-wife after they were married. (He married her after a short sexual relationship resulted in a pregnancy …. despite him giving her a morning after pill to take after a condom accident!). His wife accused him of being gay.

    He is terrified that I am going to have sex with another man. I am 45 and have male friends. Mostly university friends from way before I was married to my ex. I do not have sex with them. He declares to me that it is without doubt though that they want to have sex with me…because they are male.

    He has female friends. I have never met any of them. three weeks ago, he told me that I couldn’t visit him for the weekend because he had divorce paper work to deal with. When I said that I would come up anyway but spend some time with my mum while he was working on it, he admitted that he had plans to meet a friend. She turned out to be an attractive single female MD (I know that is not the point of these discussions- but I am getting there) A work colleague from his previous job. My instinct told me that something was wrong. I hacked into his email. He was flirting with her.
    At a lose end I went to stay the weekend with one of my uni friends (a male one who lives with a lovely woman to whom he is betrothed) there is very intermittent mobile phone coverage at his village. My boyfriend couldn’t phone me.
    By Wednesday the next week, my instinct told me that something was wrong. I checked his emails. There were discussions there between him and his ex work colleague about never letting it happen again and where to go next with their relationship now tat this hurtful thing had happened between them. I asked him if anything had happened with her and he said no. I then fessed up about my email hacking. He was shocked and horrified. Shocked because I am blond and he didn’t think I was clever enough to do such a thing. Shocked because I had so grossly invaded his privacy and horrified that he was now caught and that I will never trust him again. At first he said he did it out of revenge because he thinks I am not faithful to him. Then he said it was because he was angry because I went to my friends and he couldn’t get in touch. Then he said that she came into his bedroom after they had gone to bed and woke him up with a blowjob. (I doubt that lady GPs go around sexually assaulting men without provocation)
    He has promised that he will not sleep with another woman again…as long as I don’t get drunk with my male uni friends or indeed get drunk with my female friends in case men chat us up. Or perhaps my female friends after a few beers will make advances (actually that has happened…and although quite a sexy idea…not one that I actually want to physically follow through…flattering though girls so don’t stop suggesting it!).
    Anyway, I am a little shattered by all this and have periodically checked his emails again. He is now in contact with a man that I know well but he has just met. Last time we were in company with this guy, my bf confided in me that this guy is gay. (personally I know that he can’t be totally gay because he has tried it on with me before – in fact he told me that he was in love with me once) Is he now exploring his bisexual side to carry on with his infidelity needs.
    I have read that infidelity can often be a symptom of low self esteem or in other cases Narcissistic Personality Disorder OR both! I would say that he is both Narcissistic and also suffers from periods of low self esteem. He was also abused sexually as a child (I don’t know by whom) and physically and emotionally by both parents.
    He has promised me not to find himself in a situation with a woman where he finds it hard to keep his belt buckled but now do I have to worry about men? I must be worried to have found myself reading all of these posts searching for an answer?
    Anyway…after getting all of this sorry tale off my chest.. are there any signs that I could look for? Bi-sexual signs?
    I really don’t want to continue to be hurt by a man who lies to me!

  88. SweetieStrawberryon 01 Oct 2011 at 1:31 am

    Hey, I have a little question for you.

    A few months ago my boyfriend of almost 3 years now came out to me that he is bi. And I always knew that was a big deal and welcomed him as he is. I told him that I lovd him just as he is and have been trying to build up his self-confidence since he is still very touchie about the subject.

    However, I sometimes unknowingly do something that ends up hurting him somehow. I always feel really terrible about it and we often do talk things out and get things worked out. But I wanted to ask if you had advice for me on how to make him feel better after I have hurt him. I am still new to knowing what to look out for because I know he is very vulnerable now after telling me (I am the only one he has ever told.) Should I try to be more cautious now that he came out to me? Or should I treat him as usual?

    And whenever I hurt him he tends to clam up. Is there anything more I can do?

  89. Catherineon 09 Oct 2011 at 10:34 pm

    I met my bi guy on line about 2.5 years ago, after a nasty seperation, through a dating agency.

    We emailed etc. for a while before meeting. Durring one telecon he told me that he’s bi. I was shocked! Told him that I needed to think about it before meeting him. Decided that even if he wasn’t going to be a lover I liked him and wanted to meet. We met and it was fantastic – I didn’t want the day to end – we connected on every level, we met each others needs, something that I’d never experienced before. I knew what he wanted from me and viceversa. So it continues, with sex toys and ‘friends’. I realised before I met him that I’m a gay man in a female body. I have no interest in other women but I’m not typically feminine – in fact I’m probably quite masculine in a lot of respects – physical strength, sex drive, general drive. Which is probably why we get on so well and also why he can’t love me. Tells me that I do more for him than anyone else, wives, lovers. So why can’t he love me?

    There was one occaission that I was upset but it was because I felt excluded (I knew that he was meeting a younger man – he said as a ‘partner’ for both of us – he was meeting me the next day and spent the night with him, I was so angry) he hasn’t done that again to my knowledge! He did tell me recently that he’d learned from that experience. We’re very close – can’t say that its love, don’t really know what that is. A wise man once told me that ‘love’ is a word used to justify our carnal needs, well – if that’s the case – I’m head over heels! If he’s typical, you bi guys make great lovers!

    X Catherine

  90. addiebellon 12 Oct 2011 at 11:03 am

    ok my fiance and i have been having some problems and i thought that maybe he was cheating on me or talking to other girls but last night he told me while we were out that he was bi sexual and that he didnt tell me because all of his ex-g/fs broke up with him because of that. now i dont have a problem with it. matter of fact i love him with all my heart and i have told him that. but my things is i have never noticed it before….i mean i have bi sexual friends and i havent noticed anything with him. he also said that he cant say i love u to me anymore because of it..is that true….i dont know what to do or say to him…..he also says he doesnt get aroused that much anymore and i have tried almost everything….some one please help me.

  91. Jordanon 14 Oct 2011 at 5:21 am


    I think your blog is great and very informative. Your 5 points were pretty accurate and reflect some of my own experiences.

    I have come out to girlfriends as bisexual and got mixed reactions. This was at a time when I had dated mostly guys before that, so I really felt it necessary to ‘come out’ to my girlfriends.

    That was about 10 years ago and these days I generally don’t find it necessary to “come out” as bi right away.

    In recent relationships with women, I have not found it as necessary to let them know about my history with guys. But ultimately I think it would be great for her to know, and it would make for a stronger and more meaningful relationship. But I’m not in a long-term relationship right now, so it’s kind of hypothetical.

    Anybody have any opinions? Is it necessary to tell your gf if you had sex and/or relationship with guys a decade ago?

  92. Poohon 10 Nov 2011 at 1:45 pm

    OMG! I find this article not only sexist, but unsensitive as well.
    I am a straight wife of a bi man. The time I found it out (yes, I SHOULD be told before the marriage! Of course I should. Didn´t I have the right to know that I am marrying a man who´ll be never satisfied with me?! Whom I can never make happy? Didn´t I have right to have an idea that I´ll have to fight with sexual frustration and rejection, before geting trapped to all this? Didn´t I have right to make a decision, too?), I was thinking of him. How hard it must be for him. How bad it feels to him. How can I help him. I assured him that I love him and never leave him. I said we can have an open marriage, and he agreed, happy and dating his boyfriends. The day I went for date too, he said I spoiled our marriage and went back to closet, staying on down-low activities.
    What does understanding help here? I only suppressed my feelings trying not to hurt my bi- husband, who didn´t care of my feelings at all. He told me he is straight, but I can´t excite him, because I´m too fat, too bad, too old, too… He has told me this while prefering jerking off on gay porn from positive response to my luring. In the same time, geting furious any time a man just looked at me. I´m with him, still, more than 10 years, waiting for his “coming-out” which is not coming. I´m told that it is normal that people don´t make sex after some years of marriage. I´m told that I´m obsessed with sexuality, and that his lack of interest in me (and interest in same sex) is my fault.

    None can tell me that I should be more comprehending. Shame and guilt is just as bad, when a bi- guy is trying to transfer it to his heterosexual partner.

  93. Justagirlon 09 Dec 2011 at 6:04 am

    I want to tell you than you for all the information you have in here including the comments. My husband of almost 5 years came out to me a couple of nights ago. He had a special friend thru childhood that they did what kids do (show me yours and I’ll show you mine) and it just progresses from there. When he told me my first thought was “ok I am fine with this”. Then the insecurities set in and I worry he will take off only because he tells me he doesn’t know what he wants. We have done a lot of talking, crying, drinking and the conversation keeps going in circles. He said he isn’t looking for something but still is unsure that this new adventure could be some happiness for him. He’s not unhappy with me but 3 kids kindof suck the fun and spice out of the marriage. Ok I shouldnt blame the kids-not their fault but we have let us get in a rut.
    So what I am saying is do I have hope for our future? We live each other unconditionally and I personally think this kind of brought us closer. I mean cause he let me into this personal thing that he’s hidden for so long.
    Ok enough blabbing….what do I do now. Sit back and wait? Could we have a future? Any ideas or insights would be great! TIA!

  94. popon 21 Dec 2011 at 3:54 am

    I’m a male with past experience with other guys including a boyfriend. The question that I have is if a bi-guy starts dating someone new, when is a good time to tell her that? first, second, third date? after or before the fist sex? I want to be honest, specially if I’m going out with someone that I can see as a long-term, but at the same time I don’t want to say too soon because we are still not connected and/or I don’t want the unnecessary judgement before having anything more concrete. Any suggestion?

  95. Realityon 22 Dec 2011 at 4:10 pm

    I live in the US. I can’t speak for the UK or other countries, but here in the land of fake tolerance, women’s reactions to their boyfriend’s bisexuality is usually very bad. Maybe the young, college set see things a bit differently, but just about everyone else, both straight and gay despise bis and heteroflexibles. I’m the later and have been all my life. I was married when I first came to terms with this with myself. I spoke candidly with my wife of 14 years and reassured her that I did not intend to act on my feelings. I needed only to acknowledge them and be honest with her. But my vow of “m2m celibacy” was not enough. She pondered over our talk for a week and then told me she wanted a divorce.

    That was honesty time number one. From that point on, I decided that I would be up-front with every woman I dated. I didn’t “come out” on the first dat, but would before the relationship got to the having sex stage. I got the same reaction from everyone. Acceptance and appreciation for being honest from the start. But invariably, within a few weeks, they would end the relationship.

    My second wife was the exception. She really didn’t seem to have a problem with it. She asked only that I be discrete and safe. For years I didn’t act on my desires. But I met another man, married like myself and who had a wife with attitudes similar to my wife’s. We became friends and eventually had intimate contact. It wasn’t “love”; it was just sex. We both enjoyed the encounter, but we also knew that we loved our wives and that they came first. Well, when I told my wife about this man, even though she had met him many times and really liked him, a fire storm erupted that ended in a divorce.

    Let me note that my experience is common to every single married or partnered bi or heteroflexible man I’ve ever known. Women *say* that they are alright with our sexuality, but in reality, they are anything but. I had a bi woman tell me that the issue is that women can deal with their husbands having affairs with other women, since they know they can compete with women. But they believe they cannot compete with another man and, so, choose not to even try. With women, sex is always coupled with deeper feelings of love and they simple cannot understand that in the male psyche, this isn’t usually the case.

    My current (and last) wife claims the same acceptance as my second wife. But my experience has taught me not to believe that. I have not had m2m sex since we started seeing one another eight years ago. I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t care for anonymous hook-ups and now that I am older the desire is more of a slow burn than a raring inferno. I can deal with abstinence. But if I ever do decide to be with a man again, I will never mention it to my wife. I love my wife, but I don’t trust her sex in this regard.

  96. HALP!on 08 Jan 2012 at 7:10 pm

    There are an awful lot of people commenting on the issue of sex and love being separate, that he may want to have sex with men but he doesn’t want a relationship and that perhaps we should find ways to deal with that, that the women should just allow their partners to go out and have that sex as long as they come back to them and love them and follow the rules. Forgive me for being close minded if that’s what you think, if I am not grasping the subject properly, but paint it how you like, that’s cheating. This idea is like telling someone that because they are bisexual they deserve special priviliges, because it’s unfair to ask them to be faithful when they require an extra stimulus.

    I keep thinking of it this way (among many many others) I have always deep down had a thing for girls, but have never been with one, I don’t even really watch lesbian porn, I’d rather do than watch, but I have never though myself to be bisexual and have never placed a partner in a predicament that requires them to accept that I want to have sex with women also and then allow me to do it. I don’t want to be treated with sympathy, I don’t want a partner who has to worry about it or put up with me having sex with another person. I believe in true love and in being faithful and the two are very closely intertwined, he may not want a relationship with a man, but he wants sex and that is hurtful. It’s a betrayal, you chose to be with a partner, apparently (though I lose faith in this a little more every day) because you love them and because you want to commit to them, you want to make them happy and care for them and be with them and not to hurt them. That is a choice that you make. I fancy other men, sometimes I get hit on by girls, sometimes I get offers from men, and sometimes I desire something different, but I made a choice, to commit myself to another person and to be faithful and true to that person. Why should I allow them to sleep with other men just to satisfy their desires because I can’t give them those things.I do not expect that from them! Surely if they want to sleep with other people, male or female, that means that I am not enough and they have made the wrong choice to be with me, that I am imprisoning them in a relationship that they don’t feel fulfilled in. It would really hurt me to be intimate with anyone other than the man that I love, with or without his knowledge and consent because I love him and he has placed his trust in me, I want to be his and no one elses. I love him completely, he gives me all that I require, despite my passing lusts for other things. They are not important.

    Its not just about abandonment or fear of losing that person, it’s the damage to the core value of the relationship, to the love itself, we all have desires we can’t fulfill for ethical, legal, religious, whatever reasons… that’s life,you can’t always have what you want and its cruel to hurt other people just to fulfill your own desires.

    I am seriously confused by all of this, my boyfriend told me last night that he was bisexual and I have gone through so many different emotions, I feel like I have looked at it from countless points of view and I have cried my eyes out all day. I have never been the kind of person to judge people for their sexuality and I don’t, I love him with all my heart and I always will, but I have never been faced with this before, and I am really finding it hard to understand, its raised a million questions in my mind, about him and surprisingly enough, about myself. I am hurting and I am worrying and I just have no idea what I should do. I love him so so much but I have no idea how to cope or what to think. I apologise for this post, its long and it reeks of my confusion, but I have to do something with all of this emotion and the stuff in my head.

  97. bithewayon 09 Jan 2012 at 11:19 am

    Hi HALP!

    You don’t have to grant your boyfriend any special privileges or license to sleep with guys. Just accept that if you don’t you might lose him. Like you said, we can’t always get what you want. If your boyfriend feels the urge to have sex with guys as well as you then forcing him to repress these feelings is going to lead to a break down in the relationship.

    Of course I don’t know your boyfriend and in spite of his bisexuality he may only have eyes for you. That happens too. Bisexuality means you are attracted to either gender, not necessarily both at the same time. Many bisexuals have consecutive relationships, one with a guys, then next with a girl. And just like everyone else, we can settle down with with a single partner, then we become indistinguishable from gay or straight people.

    So basically we fall into two main groups. Monogamous bisexuals and Polyamorous bisexuals. if you are with a monogamous bisexual, then you have nothing to worry yourself about. If you are with a Polyamorous bisexual then you must either accept that he is going to sleep with other men, or end the relationship. It might sound unfair that you don’t get the boyfriend you wanted, but its his right to decide his own sexuality not yours.

  98. HALP!on 09 Jan 2012 at 8:38 pm

    Hi again!

    I know that it’s his right to decide his sexuality and I would never deny him that right. I just want honesty, I want to hear HIM say that he wants more and to let me go, I am lost because I am in love and I don’t want to break up with him based on my doubts, which may or may not be justified, what if I dump him and he really meant it when he told me he had only eyes for me?! Then I threw away something that meant more to me than words can express?! Is it too much to demand honesty?! Sometimes I find myself thinking that I will never find a man who will commit to me, like that doesn’t exist, but I can commit to him, I know I can, if I couldn’t I would admit that I am not ready for a relationship and let him go. But then again, if I can commit, that means that people like that do exist, that it is real… or is it because I am a woman and men are men! It’s all so confusing! It’s so hard! My poor heart is aching!

    Thank you for listening anyway, it’s very much appreciated!

  99. kyleon 10 Jan 2012 at 9:57 am

    Hi, I recently came out of the closet as gay and I am a virgin to both men and women. So when I met up with a long lost friend recently I came out to her and she was extremely accepting, which has been my usual reaction. But here is the twist, she continued to tell me that her and her boyfriend are curious about the same sex, and she was wondering if I would ever consider helping her boyfriend explore his sexuality.
    Well I was very inebriated at the time and I probably would have agreed to anything. We left that night excited and happy that we met up again but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her offer. Well today I get a txt asking if im still up for that. Now I have never been with a man physically but I sooooooo long to be, but im not sure this is the way I want to be with him. And another concern is what if he likes guys and wants to leave my best friend. I would feel 100% responsible.
    So what I am asking is for some advise as to what is right in this situation. I really long to be with a man but I relly want to keep this friendship strong. I told the girl that if she is 100% and he is 100%in then I see no issue and if they have discussed it thuroughly then why not help a friend out. But is that my penis talking or is that me talking I don’t know. Please help me figure this out.

  100. bithewayon 10 Jan 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Look, if there’s one thing I can say to you its not to throw away your relationship because of your doubts. Let go of your doubts, embrace the relationship, if it doesn’t work yes you’ll get hurt, but its like the old saying goes, its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved. Which is what giving into your doubts amount to.

  101. bithewayon 10 Jan 2012 at 6:42 pm

    Hi Kyle

    In your situation, I would probably back away because I’m chicken. But you’re not me and don’t have to do that. Only you can decide if you want this to be the way you have your first sexual experience.

    IF you decide that you are happy to lose your virginity in this way, then as to the risk of your friend losing her boyfriend to you, well I suspect you could always discuss this fear with her. I’d approach in as a joke using mock egoism.

    “OK I’ll do it, but if he decides to leave you for a ‘stud’ like me then you only have yourself to blame. :D

    Then on her head be it!

    Hope that helps.


  102. Sharion 13 Jan 2012 at 6:49 pm

    I am a woman in my 50s whose almost 4 year relationship ended last month. When we met I found out through a friend he was bisexual, after talking it through at length we decided to keep seeing each other and fell in love. From my perspective the relationship has ended because for the last 15 months of it he withdrew from me emotionally and sexually. When I asked what was wrong (on numerous occasions) he kept telling me it was just stress from his new job, we even had a few counselling sessions which seemed to make him withdraw even more. I still love him but am not prepared to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want me sexually and can’t be open with me about his feelings and needs. I am not 100% sure if he withdrew because he didn’t love me anymore or because of his sexuality but within days of us splitting I found out he was on a dating website seeking sex with “anyone” and strongly suspect he had been on it before we split. I also found out through a friend that he was relieved when it was over. I am upset that we never had the chance to talk through some of the options mentioned above and even more painful is the fact that he couldn’t be honest with me. I am really struggling with my emotions and feel very betrayed because whatever the reason his feelings changed he wasn’t able to be honest with me about it.

  103. Danny R.on 15 Jan 2012 at 1:58 am

    I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for almost 2 years. Within the past year I have discovered that I’m bi-curious. I had gay experiences when I was younger (age 12) but brushed it off as mere experimentation. I’ve always been into girls and still am. However, within the past 6-8 months I’ve been becoming more and more curious about gay sex. For the past month or so I’ve been having non-stop homosexual fantasies and feel a great urge to act on them!

    However, I have a girlfriend. I’m scared to tell her how I feel, due to embarrassment. I’m not sure that I’m ready to tell anyone about this or even accept it myself! But I know how I feel, and it doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon. Plus I kind of feel like this feeling has always been here (due to subtle past experiences). The desire to experiment is just now coming on really strong.

    what should I do? I love my girlfriend and don’t want to end it just to experiment. I’m not sure how she’ll react. She may be weirded out or get scared that I’ll cheat. Should I just man-up and tell her????


  104. Totallyconfusedon 23 Jan 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Dear All,

    In the first instance, can I thank the posters on this for their frankness and honesty-it’s been like an oasis in the desert I have found myself in since my partner disclosed this week that he’d had gay sex twice in his 20′s. Bit of background first. We’ve been together a year, and my partner was married for over 20 years, splitting up with his wife just before our relationship began. I myself, when younger, had a few sexual encounters with women and at the very outset of the relationship I told my partner this as I viewed it as best to be upfront-give him the choice. I consider myself now to be straight, although occasionally I still fantasise about women-never strongly enough to consider acting on it.

    I am entirely in agreement with the comments here about abandonment issues etc-I initially had that reaction but logic has prevailed-if he was going to cheat on me it wouldn’t matter whether it was a man or a woman, and I truly believe that he loves me and has no intention of cheating with anyone.

    What’s the problem then I hear you ask?
    Well, we’ve talked a lot over the past few nights about what’s happened, in fairly graphic detail. In short, he sought out the encounters, it seems he enjoyed them and states he doesn’t regret them. They were unemotional, only for sex etc. He talked frankly about his fantasies of gay sex during his adolescence and hes pretty unspecific about when such fantasies stopped.He was very clear he wanted to try it out-I get the view men were his preference. All that is fine, and I truly believe that sexuality is fluid and can see how preferences may change over time.

    When i questioned him as to whether he viewed himself as bi, he was adamant that he isn’t. his position is that if he had wanted to have sex with men again, he would have-he says he chose not to and pushed on, got married etc-I’m slightly disbelieving of this however as it was 30 years ago and the pressure to conform was no doubt much stronger then….

    I’m slowly coming to terms with most of this now with most of this, if (surprising myself) still a little taken aback. His honesty about the past is much appreciated (even if a bit late)
    Despite all this however, he says now he doesn’t fancy guys at all-doesnt fantasise about them and has no intention of having another gay encounter.

    Therein lies my principal difficulty-i’m just not fully believing of that fact. I’d had some concerns months ago before he told me that he seemed to have more than just a passing interest in gay men who we came into contact with, even as a couple.

    Can I have some views on this? Is if possible to have felt such a strong attraction to the same sex and for that just to disappear completely? Is he saying this because he thinks if he admits to still liking guys I’d leave him?
    I think it’s the fact that I sniff a degree of dishonesty about this that is concerning me more than anything.

    I’m really grateful for any views on this. It’s been a tough week.
    Thanks again guys x

  105. bithewayon 23 Jan 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Well let me put your mind at rest. Yes its possible for our sexuality to change and our attractions to vary over time. There is no reason to doubt your husband’s honesty. I’ve had times where my attractions and fantasies have been almost exclusively heterosexual and other times when they have been almost exclusively homosexual. These phases have in the past sometimes lasted years and when I’ve been happy in a relationship my feelings for the ‘other’ gender often disappear completely. So I see no reason to believe my sexuality couldn’t one day ‘stick’ if I settled into a happy long term relationship. Personally, I would still identify as bisexual. However, if your boyfriend views his homosexual encounters as just hedonism, then there’s no requirement for him to adopt the same label.

  106. Totallyconfusedon 23 Jan 2012 at 10:10 pm

    Dear bitheway,

    Many, many thanks for this. I’ve been struggling with this on my own as I really can’t discuss this with anyone else. I would never betray my partner’s confidence, period, but it’s a difficult revelation to deal with regardless of the circumstsnces.

    I guess the thoughts I have focus around trying to be kind to oneself and to your partner. I have restated several times over the past few days how much I appreciate his honesty, and bravery, in telling me. I reassure him that I love him and that I know he loves me and that I have no doubts about his fidelity.

    It is then, perhaps, one of the inexplicable facts of life that notwithstanding logic, personal experience etc that women may struggle with this.

    Your blog is truly marvellous and I applaud you for being there for anyone who needs the assistance.

    Thank you so much

  107. Autumnon 25 Jan 2012 at 8:45 pm

    Desperately needing help/advice,

    I caught my fiance cheating. I was on his computer and saw all his old pictures with exes and then saw one that was dated while we were dating so then I decided to snoop. I got on his facebook and he was telling a cross dresser how she was his fantasy girl and wanted to hook up.
    I confronted him about it and he calmly told me how he was bi….
    I don’t care that he is bi. I still love him with everything I have…

    Heres my mentality though… Hes all I want and need but am I all he wants and needs?

    We’ve been dating for 7 months and for 7 months he’s been talking to other guys and he admits to just being with one since we have gotten together.

    Can he be monogamous? or is he just telling me he will stop because he’s afraid to lose me?

    I feel like I’m obviously not enough since he still needed that interaction with men. Will this be an ongoing battle?

    Can bi men be monogamous?

  108. bithewayon 25 Jan 2012 at 9:37 pm

    Yes, bisexual men can be monogamous, but not all bisexual men are monogamous. Not all bi-guys need a man and a woman, but some do. You need to figure out what type of guy you have.

  109. Autumnon 26 Jan 2012 at 7:50 am

    Hes only acted on once since we started dating but keeps talking to them and then does nothing with them. He said he could be monogamous because he sees how much it hurt me. Its not that hes with guys, cheating is cheating.
    He clearly is still interested in doing it and I don’t know if I should tell him to go ahead and keep doing it at least that way I would know about it and there would be no disappointment. But can I wrap my head around that?
    He doesnt think of it as cheating because its not love. He thinks sex is just sex and what we have is love and is just between us.
    I think sex is an intimate act and can’t think of it as casual as he does.
    He said he would never do it again but I wonder if he can keep that promise or how long it would last.
    I don’t think I could get use to an open relationship.

    Here is my thought that keeps playing over and over…
    He is all I want and need… to him I’m all he wants but not everything he needs…

    Do you think he could live without it or should I allow it to happen and at least try it. I just need advice since I obviously cant talk to anyone I know about this.

  110. CassyCon 26 Jan 2012 at 8:48 am

    I think, no I’m pretty sure my new boyfriend is bisexual. I like him, but I really don’t understand why he didn’t tell me about it. I’m bisexual and made it clear before we started dating so I really don’t understand the big secret. This is where the hurt comes into play. Is it a lack of trust that is the reason he didn’t tell me and what other “secrets” is he trying to keep? While I know these answers can only come from him, your article did give me a different point of view on the subject.

    Thank You.

    Word of advice, if you want to know how your girlfriend would feel, just ask. She shouldn’t have to figure it out for herself.

  111. kaylaon 27 Jan 2012 at 7:09 am

    I have recently descovered my finance of 3 years is bisexual last night. I being bisexual myself understands and it took a lot of time and courage for him to come out and have that’s hope in me that I would be supportive. It is a confusing thought, though knowing him as straight for the longest time but yet deep down I knew something was different about him. In my relationship with an ex girlfriend I played the roll of a man and protected her. I find myself in the same position with him. He has more of a feminine demeanor and myself the stranght of a man, it is also a confusing process. I am just very confused.

  112. Totallyconfusedon 27 Jan 2012 at 7:12 pm


    Couldn’t agree more. It’s really a matter of being able to exercise choice-everyone has a right to choose who they want to be with and sexuality is an integral part of that. I too, would urge anyone (man or woman) to be up front as soon as possible. Whether that’s the first date, after a few, or before you have sex, I dunno but certainly before you start talking commitment.

    You’ll either get the response that he/she doesn’t have a problem
    with it and is happy to go on, or he/she does have a problem and wants to end it. Thirdly, you may both take a period of time for reflection. Whichever way, you’re not going to be embarking on a relationship based on part-truths and shaky foundations and that, not necessarily sexual preference, is at the heart of the matter I think.

    I would (in my hippy way)love to see a world where everyone was happy and I truly think its everyone’s right to have sex with who they want to! The human, responsible and honest way to do that is to treat any partner with the courtesy they deserve and tell them honestly, who you are and what makes you tick.

  113. bithewayon 31 Jan 2012 at 10:23 pm

    ‘Confused’ is a word people use a lot here, but people rarely say what precisely they are confused about. Kayla, you seem to have your boyfriend sussed out. What exactly has you confused?

  114. Saraon 02 Feb 2012 at 9:51 pm

    I’m glad to find this site because I couldn’t find any open thoughtful discussion about it on the web and I feel really alone.

    I found out my boyfriend / fiancee of 4 years was cheating on me, for years, with men he was meeting on the internet.

    When I confronted him about it, he told me he was bi.

    I can relate to so many things in this article, but also in the comments from both the straight partner, and the bi partner.

    Bitheway, I think your deduction of how the women partner fears is pretty spot on.

    There’s a lot in this forum about how much support the bi partner needs, and how lonely he/she can feel.

    But there’s a compassion here missing for the straight partner who suddenly can feel duped, and utterly alone and rejected.

    I really love him, and if he had come out to me earlier in our relationship (and I don’t mean earlier in TIME per se, I mean, before he felt the need to cheat on me), I could handle this so much better.

    I have many gay and bi friends and family. I couldn’t have been so supportive and tender about it.

    But if you cheat on someone, that isn’t bi. That isn’t gay.
    Cheating is cheating.

    What makes this so difficult and sad for me is that I can’t trust him any longer, knowing he’s lied so much to my face and so long.

    I feel quite jealous and longing for the couples whose partners came out to them of their own courage. Maybe my boyfriend would never tell me until he was leaving me.

    I thought we were best friends :( .

    And the pang in the heart is despite it all, wishing I could be a good support and friend to him because I’m the only one in the world who knows.

    Now I have to do things like go to the clinic by myself to get tested.

    I feel so sad. So let down and so all alone :’(

  115. Totally confusedon 27 Feb 2012 at 1:08 am

    Dear Sara,
    I feel for you I really do. You are right, cheating is cheating. I’m all for everyone being who they are, sexually and otherwise, but perhaps inevitably, until Society at large shares this view then we will face the issue of men (and women but less so no doubt) hiding a side of their sexuality and cheating just because it’s easier.

    The one thing I’ve taken from all of these posts, which have been a great help to me, is that regardless of the sexuality, a relationship between two people is a matter of mutual consent. It should be based on openness and ultimately choice-you and your partner choose whether something is ok or not between you but you have to KNOW to make that choice.

    It’s either one of two things I suppose-firstly in each case because he wanted to have sex with men, but 1: because he didnt think you’d understand and that’s why he didn’t tell you or 2: because he doesn’t really care too much what you think.

    You need to work things out. If its 1, decide whether you can handle his bisexuality and go from there. If its 2, ditch him and move on to someone who deserves you.

    Take care.


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