Dec 26 2009
An emotionally bruising month
Its been a fairly emotional December and aside from Christmas (which was great) its one I’m keen to forget. I’m sure my girlfriend is too. There have been a lot of strains on our relationship, sickness, hospital appointments, moving in together. All sorts of stuff, but probably above all else my girlfriend and I have suffered a bit of mutual emotional battering as we’ve gotten to know things about each other that we previously didn’t share or suspect.
Last May, just a few of months after we’d met, she was all set to move away. To sell her house and head back home to her extended family. At my request she turned down an offer on the house so we could have a go at building a life together. One cannot expect to know all the intimate details about your partner after dating them for three months, so in acquiescing to my request she must have known she was taking a risk. However, this didn’t stop her feeling like I misled her when I later shared some admittedly shocking secrets about my past sexual persuasions.
In a way she was right, there are many things we do keep from our partners (as bisexual men this is typically our bisexuality) and if this doesn’t feel like lying it certainly feels like an omission. But equally these are not things we feel comfortable enough sharing until we are in a very safe emotional place with our partners. To reach this place takes time. When my girlfriend and I took the decision to be together, time was something we didn’t have. The offer for the house was on the table and a choice had to be made.
The outcome is that my girlfriend felt like I lied to her by omission, and I felt somewhat hard-done-by for being expected to share my darkest personal secrets a matter of weeks into a new relationship. What’s more my girlfriend’s response has made it abundantly clear to me that such revelations (particularly when misinterpreted due to a fudged drunken explanation) can profoundly alter her view of the man she fell in love with.
My conclusion really results in a warning. If you’ve been in a relationship for a while and reveal a shocking new fact about yourself, particularly if you don’t have a succinct and reassuring way of explaining it, then you run the risk ruining your partners image of you. For example, if there is anyone reading this who is thinking of coming out as bisexual, whilst in they are in relationship. Then be under no illusions, you are between a rock and a hard place.
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13 Responses to “An emotionally bruising month”
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The SHIFT key is your friend.
You’re right. I blew up a long marriage coming out in anger.
I know the feeling. Had the same problem in a male-male relationship… shame it never gets any easier.
Peeling back the layer of who you are is always risky and places you in a vulnerable situation. Sorry that your revelation soured your relationship and wounded you emotionally. Stay strong.
Hi there…
I’ve been the woman to whom my partner tearfully told me about his bisexuality… though I’m probably the exception to the norm because I held him and told him that it was ok, and we’d sort something out… 12 years later we’re happily poly and he has his boyfriend living with us.
Which is a long way from the norm, I know.
I know how hard it was for him to admit to himself and to me he was bi… I hope that you find peace and understanding soon
You did right. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, but you need to be applauded for being honest to your girlfriend and yourself. Honesty is a powerful and attractive trait. Don’t give it up.
Its a funny world, isn’t it? All we really want -any of us- is security; a feeling of being wanted, of belonging. Just a little piece of peace to let love grow. That feeling of ‘belonging’ whether within a group or simply with another human always requires us to be honest. Yet when we are, nobody ever seems prepared to hear it. And worse, we end up getting called out for being dishonest.
My wife and I (both of us bi) are getting a divorce and have lived apart for 15 months now. I started embracing my homosexual side and the most ironic thing I’ve found is that the men I’d started dating are uncomfortable with my candor and honesty. They think I’m going to ‘flip’ back to dating women. I’ve been dumped twice because of this.
I probably should add, that my girlfriend and I are still in love with each other and our relationship is still in a healthy situation.
The cliché would be to say we came out of this stronger. We didn’t, we emerged bruised, but bumps and bruises heal quick enough.
Your post inspired a post of mine. Hope you don’t mind.
http://bit.ly/7XXwlK
I am in the same boat as Rebecca on this one. I have always considered myself open minded when it comes to sexuality and I believe that everyone has the right to be happy. My husband has just finally admitted to me that he is Bi-sexual. I have been married to him for almost 13 years now and have always suspected something was just not right with our sexual relationship.
Don’t get me wrong he likes having sex with me as a woman but his “ragging” desire was not there like most men have. I recently became close friends with a male gay couple through work and have had them over to the house. We have recently begun trying out new things in the bedroom such as role reversal and what not. I was amazed when I suggested that we try the role reversal and he said OK.
So between that and starting to be around the new friends he finally came out and told me what he had been hiding. He is so totally paranoid now that I am going to leave him and I have tried to tell him that he has nothing to worry about whenit comes to me leaving. We have 2 beautiful children together and I love my husband. I have no one to talk to about the feelings I am having to deal with just as he has no one to talk to about his feelings. He is so worried that other people that we are close to will not except him for who he really is. Hell I’m the one that should have a problem with it if anyone should. I
don’t have a problem persay about it I think that everyone deserves to be happy and fell fulfilled in life. This is just a lot to take in at one time for him and myself. I have suggested that we go to counselling to talk about our feelings but he isn’t up for that either. I can’t be mad at someone that I genuinely love for telling me the truth. I just wish he had told me many years ago how he truly felt.
We have a lot of stress on us right now with bills and just keeping a roof over our heads and now this has been added to the pot. Needless to say the stress level is way off the charts and we need some guidance.
How should I approach the subject of what he wants without him feeling like I am thinking about leaving him?
I keep telling him I have no intentions of leaving but he is so insecure right now that he doesn’t know which way is up. He keeps saying that he doesn’t want me to feel like this is my fault and that he is sorry he is putting me through this all. I have told him I know that this isn’t something that you make happen. People are born being homosexual and bi, you can’t do anything to change that which God as made. I know that this isn’t my doing and that I don’t think it is. I just want to find a way to help him deal with this and help myself deal at the same time.
I think that your sexuality does not indicate the type of person you are or aren’t. He is not a bad man he is wonderful. He would do anything for me or our children and I have always told my children that there are all different kinds of families but I also have to wonder about the impact on them. I have told my husband that I would prefer this not be something that our children know right now as they are 6 and 11 and this is just something I don’t think they should have to deal with until we figure this whole new world out together.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as we need all the guidance we can get on this new journey in our lives.
We don’t really expect that everyone has a dark secrets. From the comments I have red only I can say is follow your heart and mind because you can never be happy when you’re living with doubts in fears. The question is how could this happened to a long married couple that its only now they realised their real sexuality? Nowadays thousands or millions of people are a bisexuals because of the influence of other people and I know that it is their satisfaction. Its really hard to have a relationship like this because we know that we’re not sure if we are contented or not. Bisexuals are happy go lucky people, they just think for their own happiness, the worst thing is that their happiness moment is their greatest mistake.
Way to spout ignorance Glean.
“People are bisexual because of the influence of other people?” BOLLOCKS!!
“Bisexuals are happy go lucky people”
Also complete bullshit, I’m bisexual and I would certainly not describe myself as “happy go lucky”, far from it!
Your entire comment is a series of badly worded generalisations.
The solution (and I know it’s never as easy as it sounds) is to stop thinking of bisexuality as a “dark secret”. What more men must begin to do is come out to everyone about being bi. They don’t have to shout about it, just quietly let it be known to their friends, then to their loved ones, their extended family and their workmates. Then, the subject will be out in the open, and not some unspeakable secret to be blurted out at low breath. The more men who do this, the more women will lose their fear of the subject; and, more importantly, bi men themselves will lose the fear of letting women know about it. It’s not your bisexuality that drives women away, it’s keeping it a secret from them.
I once came out to a boy after our third date, thinking it’d be best to have it out of the way immediately. I’m probably in a different position than most of you, I’m young (and I mean, I’m not even twenty) and out to almost everyone. So it doesn’t count as one of my deepest secrets, and certainly not my darkest. Turns out the guy thought I was under the impression we were already in a committed relationship, which he wasn’t ready for.
About a month later we got back together and it turned out he wasn’t so sure of his own orientation himself. So maybe it was fear of my bisexuality as well as of a new relationship, I don’t know. All I’m saying is, there can be some bumps in the road no matter at what point into the relationship you come out. You should be applauded for your honesty though, men have a much harder time I think!
Kimmy: There’s a Yahoo Group for married couples in exactly your situation (and mine). It’s called Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mmomw/
I recently told my wife I’m bisexual. She is as supportive as you are and it’s still a struggle to get accustomed to such a big change in the self-identity of our marriage and in my own self-identity. As the married man who admits this, the idea that your relatives, friends and workers might someday find it out is difficult.