Bi The Way

Its been a fairly emotional December and aside from Christmas (which was great) its one I’m keen to forget. I’m sure my girlfriend is too. There have been a lot of strains on our relationship, sickness, hospital appointments, moving in together. All sorts of stuff, but probably above all else my girlfriend and I have suffered a bit of mutual emotional battering as we’ve gotten to know things about each other that we previously didn’t share or suspect.

Last May, just a few of months after we’d met, she was all set to move away. To sell her house and head back home to her extended family. At my request she turned down an offer on the house so we could have a go at building a life together. One cannot expect to know all the intimate details about your partner after dating them for three months, so in acquiescing to my request she must have known she was taking a risk. However, this didn’t stop her feeling like I misled her when I later shared some admittedly shocking secrets about my past sexual persuasions.

In a way she was right, there are many things we do keep from our partners (as bisexual men this is typically our bisexuality) and if this doesn’t feel like lying it certainly feels like an omission. But equally these are not things we feel comfortable enough sharing until we are in a very safe emotional place with our partners. To reach this place takes time. When my girlfriend and I took the decision to be together, time was something we didn’t have. The offer for the house was on the table and a choice had to be made.

The outcome is that my girlfriend felt like I lied to her by omission, and I felt somewhat hard-done-by for being expected to share my darkest personal secrets a matter of weeks into a new relationship. What’s more my girlfriend’s response has made it abundantly clear to me that such revelations (particularly when misinterpreted due to a fudged drunken explanation) can profoundly alter her view of the man she fell in love with.

My conclusion really results in a warning. If you’ve been in a relationship for a while and reveal a shocking new fact about yourself, particularly if you don’t have a succinct and reassuring way of explaining it, then you run the risk ruining your partners image of you. For example, if there is anyone reading this who is thinking of coming out as bisexual, whilst in they are in relationship. Then be under no illusions, you are between a rock and a hard place.