Jun 15 2009
Why I’m not out
Tiresias has written recently about the importance of bi guys being visible (Goodbye, Mister Bond: Why Telling Matters). I had been wondering for a while if I should come out and be honest with the world about myself, particularly since developing intense feelings for a close friend. But I have decided that I’m not going to. A few close friends know about me, usually because they’ve worked it out for themselves, or have known me long enough to know my history, and I made a point of telling my wife at an early stage in our relationship, long before we were married. But otherwise, I don’t tell. And I think there are three reasons why that is.
Firstly, there is a real concern for my wife. Far too many would assume that I was having guys on the side if they knew that I was bi. I don’t want people thinking that my wife is a shield for closet homosexuality, or that she has to put up with unfaithful behaviour from me. Our marriage is good and strong and loving, and I would want to spare my wife being the victim of gossip and speculation.
Secondly, there is the work involved in coming out as bi. It is an on-going business, especially for those of us who are married, to explain to new people that you are bi. I have been rather more open in the past, but perhaps it was easier in the days when I was seeing another guy, though even then many people failed to understand. Some clearly assumed that my boyfriend was simply a mate, and others thought I was having a little phase. So I gave up trying to be out, and it’s amazing how quickly you can resume a straight identity. If I were now to try to be out to every group of people I know, I would need to invest so much energy on being out that being bi might come to be seen as the key thing defining me, which it isn’t, as it’s one of many factors that make up my personality.
Thirdly, the fact that most mates think I’m straight means that I can enjoy a certain amount of subtle affection with them without them realising it. This might sound a bit furtive, but every time a mate pats me on the back in a ‘blokey’ way, every time I share a bit of sexy banter with mates, every time I take a shower with other guys at the sports club, I enjoy a small degree of relaxed intimacy with other men that couldn’t happen in so spontaneous a way if they thought I fancied them. A wonderful example of this subtle and rather clandestine intimacy occurred in my last job, when a tall, handsome colleague needed to be measured for a new piece of uniform. The guy who normally dealt with that was gay, and my colleague feared that he would make too much of a meal of taking the measurements. So he asked me, as the safe alternative. He’ll never know how much I enjoyed getting that close and putting my arms round him to take various measurements (whilst all the time we were both joking about how much the gay guy would have enjoyed it!), a pleasure that would not have been possible if he had suspected that I thought him attractive.
So, I stay in the closet. But this presents a dilemma. When I was a teenager I would have welcomed some visible figures who demonstrated that it’s possible to be bi without the sky falling in, but now I don’t feel able to be out. My guess is that my reasons for not coming out will be familiar to many bi guys – do they sound familiar, and are they reasonable, or do you think I’m just being faint-hearted and dishonest?
- Marston
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22 Responses to “Why I’m not out”
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I’m in exactly the same situation. Whilst I know I’m technically bisexual, I feel a lot closer to straight than gay and I feel it would be a negative thing for me to come out
Too many people confuse bisexual with gay and I feel that if I was openly bi, my attraction to women would be looked upon as fake or at least not taken seriously. I told a few MSN ‘friends’ that I was bi and their response was always the same ‘Ah so you want to have sex with guys then?’ But I don’t - I’m not bisexual because I want to have sex with guys, I don’t care if I never have sex with a man, I’m bisexual because I’m attracted to men and to women
Bisexuals are still the ridicule of many societies. Confused fence sitters who don’t know if they’re ‘an Arthur or a Martha’. As I plan to live a heterosexual life, it would do me more harm than good to come out. I still have occasional homosexual masturbatory fantasies, but as I have no wish to start seeking out guys in real life, the bisexual label is not something I would publicly identify with.
When the gay community was fighting hard for simple recognition and acceptance (as opposed to the modern fights for specific rights) coming out became highly politicised. It was seen to be a gay man or woman’s social responsibility to be out and proud.
While I’m not a fan of politics overriding personal necessity, I guess I can understand where this attitude came from. These days, though, the queer community no longer has that urgent need for visibility and identity, and pressure on queers to come out for any reason apart from their own wellbeing just pisses me off.
There is only one good reason to come out: because it feels like the right thing for you to do. The motivations can be myriad - keeping it secret may make you feel like it is something to be ashamed of, you are in love with one or more wonderful people and you hate hiding your love from the world, it is just too exhausting keeping it secret, or any of a million others - but it all boils down to what is right for you.
If you have examined your options, looked at the consequences of coming out versus staying in the closet, and decided that you will be happier and healthier maintaining your privacy, then I think that’s great.
Me, I’m selectively out. I am out to everyone who is part of my everyday life, simply because I found it too tiring to maintain what I felt was a web of deceit. My family are interstate and I rarely see them, so coming out to them has been on a need-to-know basis - over the years, though, I have come out to most of my siblings.
My parents are a problem, though. I suspect my mother would deal with it okay (though she wouldn’t be happy about it) but my dad is just too homophobic, too Catholic, and too fixed in his world view. He told me horror stories in my teens about predatory homosexuals, and still equates homosexuality with paedophilia. I doubt he even knows what bisexuality is.
I have decided that my parents just present too much potential for pain, and I’m not going to go there. It’s funny, though - without knowing who he was, my parents have met my boyfriend of three years. My dad thought he was a great bloke. Oh, if only he knew…
So, Marston, while I think it’s sad that your environment makes being out-and-proud uncomfortable and difficult, I applaud your decision to do the right thing for yourself.
Best of luck in the future.
Omg Marston, you are ME! Your three points reflect my thoughts/feelings identically…. Thanks for giving them voice.
My situation is very similar to your own, Marston. Those who need to know know that I am bi - such as my wife and children - know because I have told them and the rest simply don’t need to know. This approach is probably best explained by one of my sons who is gay. When he was growing up, he refused to tell us that he was gay although I picked up on it very early. Once after he had left home and was living with his long-term partner, we were discussing this over dinner and I asked him why he hadn’t told us he was gay since clearly we would have been accepting. He acknowledged that he always felt loved and cherished and that he knew he could tell us anything and that it wouldn’t make any difference to our love for him. However, he pointed out that our daughter had never come downstairs and said “Hey, Mum and Dad, I am heterosexual” and so he felt no need to make any announcement about his sexual orientation. Perhaps the modern way to really be accepting of different sexual orientations is to take that attitude.
I feel the same way that you do. I’m twenty. I’ve been with 12 girls and only 1 guy. I have known since I was 16 or 17 that I was bi. I didn’t hook up with the one guy until 2 days before I turned twenty. However, I feel like I’ll never come out because it would be too much of a hassle to explain. I’m perfectly okay with never coming out as a bi sexual. I think true bisexuals can assume a straight role or a homosexual role and be equally as happy with their lives. I know I’m going to have a wife and kids. I feel like you’re living my life, only twenty years in the future. You are not being dishonest with anyone. Your reasons for staying in the closet are justified. And if you can live a very fulfilling life that doesnt hurt you to keep it inside and also protects your wifes feelings then I think you are on the right track. Your feelings are very familiar to me. Thanks for writing this article.
Sam
It really is great to know that there are so many guys in the same position as me. If anyone wants to converse, catch me at mogwai_autorock@hotmail.co.uk
You brought up one very good point that I never considered, to protect our wives from any embarrassment and humiliation. They don’t need to suffer public ridicule for our disposition, nor do I think we have to come out to everyone and anyone. I came out to me, which was a very big step, and I came out to my wife, an even bigger step, with very positive results. Everyone else is on a need to know basis only.
But we both fully support bisexuals in their struggles and speak out every chance we get to acknowledge that they/we are a valid segment of society and need to be recognised as such. We as people can speak out and support others without revealing our most personal details. We can still change the world, just on our terms.
Hi all. Just wondered if I could ask you a personal question. I’ve often questioned my sexuality (I was abused by men as a child) and I would really love to stop wasting my energy doing it.
How did you realise you was bi-sexual? Is a pretty full-proof test whether you get a full erection looking at an attractive man or masturbating over same sex??? I have never done either.
Sorry for jumping in randomly like this, just wanted your opinion.
Hi John
If you’ve ever felt a romantic or sexual attraction towards both genders, then you are bisexual.
So yeah getting a hard-on whilst looking at a bloke or masturbating over male pornography is a pretty clear sign of bisexuality. (Assuming of course you also have similar feelings towards women.)
But to put your mind at rest. Your sexuality is not defined by what other people have done to you as a child or against your will. Its defined exclusively by your feelings and your desires today.
If you have no romantic or sexual interest in men, then you are straight. Its that simple.
Hi bitheway,
Ive never been romantic with another man or felt sexual desires. What makes me question myself is that ive been quite dependant on my male friends in the past, but then ive been dependant on everyone regardless of gender!
Marston, you’ve done the great and brilliant thing, all too rare, and come out to your girlfriend, now wife. That saves you a massive world of hurt. Seeing as you’re monogamous, why bother with telling the world unless it makes sense to your for some useful or important reason?
The response to coming out to a girlfriend can be all over the board. But honesty is a requirement with anyone you love, at least IYAM. When I can out I was with a kewl girl who had no problem at all. She didn’t mind if I saw a guy at the same time. I went out with her and my guy for the first time all together and it was so remarkable for me to hold both their hands, love them both, they liked each other, it went great. Then I went to go visit my sister friend for many years and my girlfriend FREAKED OUT and ended the relationship. Huh?
The next year I met the love of my life at a mutual friend’s party. I arrived with my guy noted above. She was totally kewl. But she was also taken. A couple years later she was free and my guy and I had gone back to just being friends. She was totally kewl, but she wanted monogamy. I loved her. She got monogamy. I was totally happy. We were together for nine years. We’re still friends. The breakup had nothing to do with being bi. It can work!
Then there are the trouble stories and the horrible stories. Circa 1998, 1999 I moderated what we think was the first bisexual men’s group on the Internet. So I got to know a lot of bi men. The one thing that typically messed up their lives was not being out to their wives, if they were married. An awful lot of them were cheating on the side, which is demeaning for one and all. They believed that if they came out the marriage would end. OK. But cheating?
Then there was a friend who was out to his wife, she said monogamy, he promised, then he cheated. He lived a secret life behind her back because he ‘had’ to be with guys. He was a great fellow too. I felt very sorry for him. At least he came out to her. Sorry he was so stuck on guy sex as well as keeping his wife.
The boys on the side stuff is where gays and straights rightfully dump us with the ‘MAKE UP YOUR MIND!’ crap. Under those circumstances I can see their point. Otherwise, we DON’T ever have to make up your mind about our sexuality. Just be ourselves! If having both works for who you’re with, great. It’s hard frickin’ work sometimes and can be emotionally stressful. But if it works, enjoy.
It’s when we get dishonest, aka ‘discreet’ that we mess over our integrity and sanity. Sex isn’t worth that cost. Thanks for reading my rant.
:-Derek
I’ll answer your question first: your points are familiar, they can seem reasonable up to a certain point, they are faint-hearted and dishonest by omission. And you have the absolute right to be and say who you are. Bi america will not rise and fall on you actions or inactions.
I do believe, however, bi’s are marginalized by both the straight and gay community. Many LGBT organizations, conferences and parades are actually gay, period. Maybe with the hat tip towards the transgendered, whom we could learn a lot from.
Given the increasing levels of hatred and intimidation, both legal and illegal, fomented by the “religious” right, our orientation is politicized, whether or not we like it. To the extend that our own LGT community dismisses or denigrates us, we are called to respond. To the extent that our co-workers and friends and families promote an attitude of biphobia, our behaviors become politicized and perhaps, a springboard for further, constructive discussion.
Ultimately, for respect and for rights, I believe we’re going to have to educate and make our presence know. This can happen on a case by case basis-no grand pronouncements need to take place. But Harvey Milk was right- people of all persuasions need to see us as we are … neighbors, friends, lovers, co-workers … fellow humans deserving the same consideration as anyone else. We’re not objects of fear or derision … you know us. To remain in the closet is to assist in the reinforcement of stereotypes and the internalization of biphobia.
Hey there. We are friends on facebook, because of one lovely and thoughtful post of yours there. I finally looked up your profile and found this, have been reading, so I thought I’d say hello.
Good to read you, here and elsewhere.
totally understandable! i do the same thing, only close friends know it, and for the rest its just easier to not tell everyone.
On the whole I agree about not needing to come out unless there is a pressing reason. If you are the kind of bisexual thaat requires both male and female sexual contact then I would say this is a very good reason to tell your GF/BF or whoever you are involved with. It is better than sneaking around their back anyway, and perhaps you can find a way to express it without cheating. This might take the form of a threesome if you’re really lucky, or might be as simple as watching gay/sgtraight or bisexual porn together.
Personally I can imagine myself being monogomous and happy with either gender, but that is just me. I wouldn’t lose interest in the gender I’m not with, but it wouldn’t be a major factor either. It’s a bit like how you might not lose interest in blondes just because you’re going out with a brunette.
I honestly think we need a lot more visibility for the different spectrum of people within bisexuality. There are those of us who are equally happy with either gender, there are those who desire to have contact with both genders. Neither is wrong, but people all too often focus on the latter with much emphasis on the people who for whatever reason cheat on their partner. Similarly I think there needs to be a lot more visibility for non-stereotypical gay men and so on, the stereotype of gay men is something which makes me very fearful of being judged.
Being a married Bi sexual myself, I can honestly say that yes it is hard work and yes you are putting so much on the table for failure, but what happens when we have that desire to feel that mans rough warmth or that soft gentle touch from a woman? Neither can be given by the opposite sex. No my wife doesn’t know of me nor does my family and I love it that way. It should be a need to know basis without any complications.
By coming out and saying your BI, can cause many emotions and decisions that are rational and not thought thru to come out and destroy all the hard work that you have put forward.
When we men are going thru our ups and downs and wondering if to say something I can speak for myself you feel like the world is going to end, but if you have someone you trust and confide in, talk to them. Thankfully I do have that now and I love the fact that I can speak freely about my emotions and feelings toward men.
I apologise for the off topic, but thought this would be relevant:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/08/18/turing_pardon_campaign/
There is a petition up on the no 10 UK government site to apologise for the persecution of Alan Turing, owing to his being gay. It’s really a rather horrific story.
no blogging for a while?
I’ve only just come across this site, so can I first of all say I’m very glad I did. All the posts are very eloquent and more importantly very real. My two pennies worth on this subject are that I’m happily married with one amazing child and I’ve never been really honest with my wife mainly out of fear. My wife is a great woman and I’m 99% sure she’d be supportive and understanding, but she does have a jealous, wild streak and there’s a 1% chance (in my mind at least) that she wouldn’t understand and it could be the beginning of the end for our relationship and the associated knock-on effects with my son. There’s no way I can take that 1% chance, even though at times I feel very despondent that I cant be honest. I’m not sure its a sustainable position as I feel increasingly frustrated that I cant be open and honest about my bi-sexuality , but at the moment I cant think of a better solution.
Sid, I will say that at times I also feel frustrated and not knowing what to do. What I do is go for a walk or talk with a friend that knows my situation and he can understand my frustration. If you can get someone that is in your same predicament and is able to listen to you, you will be less likely to frustrate yourself. I have known that I am BI since forever, even before I married my wife. She wouldn’t be able to understand me and my feelings. At times I say “Hell I don’t care I am going to tell her”, but then I realize that not only will I be hurting her but also my children that are to young to know what that means.
Feeling as if you a between a Rock and a Hard place is something we all have to go thru. My suggestion would be for you find a male that is in our same situation that you are able to communicate with and let some of those feelings out. If you like we can chat, just email me and hopefully we can be each others shoulder to cry on. My email is oicu875@hotmail.com and again we are all in this same situation.
“It’s funny, though - without knowing who he was, my parents have met my boyfriend of three years. My dad thought he was a great bloke. Oh, if only he knew… :)”
This brought out a chuckle in me; my parents met my boyfriend last month and are still none the wiser xD
Yes, I see myself in all of you.
I’m a 57 year old married bi afraid to come out for all the above reasons.
Wife would not understand and friends would shun me.
Why do I love both? Why do I have sex with men and not feel gay?
Yes I do fear some of the gay community and the feelings they have for some bi’s, but more so the hetro’s for their ignorance. Love the blog feel at home