Apr 08 2009
What do I want from my male friends?
Marston, our newest contributor, opens with an piece which I think many Bi-guys can relate to, the conflict of realising you’ve fallen for a guy yet at the same time are happily married to your wife.
This question has been much on my mind lately. I’m a 39 year old bi guy, I am very happily married to a wife who loves me far more than I deserve, and I have no desire to have an affair. However, I have recently been shocked by the sudden realisation that I had fallen in love with a male friend.
The shock wasn’t that my eye had been caught by a cute guy: I’ve known that I’m bi since my teens, though the process of accepting that was slow and difficult. And despite being very happy in my marriage, I have never stopped noticing good looking guys in the street.
The shock was the fact that I had actually fallen for this guy: feeling churned up and excited every time I saw him, and finding myself looking forward to seeing him again just a bit too eagerly. He’s quite tactile, and will often greet me with a pat on the shoulder, which sends me into a complete spin. I haven’t said or done anything to indicate how I feel about him – he’s happily married and wouldn’t welcome me propositioning him. But I have caught myself feeling jealous of his wife when he goes home early from the bar to be with her. The fact that I have felt all of this has made me feel intensely guilty – I feel as if I have been unfaithful to my wife even though I haven’t actually done anything. And I am struggling to figure out why it happened: why, when there is nothing lacking in my marriage, did I feel the need to love a guy too?
It isn’t that I’m particularly after sex with a guy. I’ve certainly had some fun with guys in the past, but actually straight sex is the thing that really thrills and satisfies me. The fact that I’ll never suck another cock doesn’t bother me. But although I don’t want to go to bed with my mate, I do feel an intense urge to throw my arms round him and hold him really, really tight. Whilst I love the smoothness and softness of women, there is something about the strength and muscularity of men that is particularly good to hold, and I have in the past loved being able to hug a guy with a roughness that would provoke protests from a woman. With my last boyfriend, it was the hugging and passionate, intense kissing that mattered to me more than the sex. Up to a point, the sort of physical affection I want from a guy is not that much different from the kind of back-slapping, buddy-buddy affection that a straight guy might get from his mates.
But there’s more to it than that. There is something about the sort of emotional affection that you get from guys that’s just different. And this is the thing I can’t quite describe or define. I think it’s got something to do with the way guys understand one another: it isn’t that my wife doesn’t understand me – she does, all too well! But there is something in the easy rapport between two guys that just feels different. Most of the time, that rapport can take place in uncomplicated friendship, but there is a part of me that longs for it in a more intense form, and having found a guy that I can really relate to in that way, I’ve fallen for him. I’m now trying to ensure that that relationship develops as an affectionate friendship: I don’t want to lose his friendship, but nor do I want the friendship to develop into something that would threaten my marriage. It will take time to see how that friendship develops. And at the same time, I need to reassure my wife that my feeling affection towards another guy is not an indication of something lacking in her. Part of me just craves something different, even if I can’t quite define what it is.
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45 Responses to “What do I want from my male friends?”
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Hi
I understand where you are coming from. Some parts of you crave for a man but other parts a woman. I have similar feelings as well and I do not know how to overcome these. I am happily married but yet I crave to have a very close friendship with a guy – someone whom I can discuss anything on a personal and intellectual level. Please do not get me wrong – I can discuss most things with my wife but there are times when I feel that I could go a step further with my discussion with a guy. I really wonder why I feel like that. Perhaps it stems from my childhood and the lack of affection I had from my dad or maybe i have not come to terms with the fact that there is another form of sexuality called bisexuality. If anyone out there would like to discuss this further with a black guy then please give me a shout on whiteness123@hotmail.co.uk and I would be more than happy to do so.
Both this topic and the one response have got a distinct ‘craving male friendship’ feel to them
I believe that many bisexuals confuse a desire for male acceptance, bonding and friendship with something more substantial (have read about this quite a bit in the past)
P.S. i’m not trying to ridicule bisexuality, i identify as bi myself, but i do believe it is a lot more common for a bisexual male to confuse friendship with something sexual than it is with monosexuals
Having once had a great male “Hug Buddy” I really miss the physical closeness and sensuality we had. As much as sex, I really crave getting close and cuddly with someone hard and scratchy. Woman are my first love but the beauty and strength of a man is something special.
I’ll try not to ramble on too long – when I build up momentum it’s a tad hard to stop.
I have been self-aware and actively bisexual for somewhere in the vicinity of twelve years, about one year less than I have been married (to an absolutely spectacular women who turned out to also be bisexual).
We are also polyamorous, so I am nearing my three-year anniversary with my wonderful boyfriend (“partner” feels impersonal to me, and “husband” just gets me blank stares).
Friendship, love, and affection with men (especially with straight men) can be complicated for bi guys. We seek a lot of things in our dealings with our fellow human beings, and one person might provide one or many of these things.
I remember fairly early in my relationship with my boyfriend (about the eight month mark, I think) he was playing around and picked up up and swung me around in a circle several times. When he put me down my first thought was to make sure he hadn’t hurt his back (I’m about six foot and over 100kg). Immediately after that, I nearly started crying and didn’t know why.
Thinking about, I realised that I had been missing a presence in my life that was bigger and stronger than me, but also safe and loving, though not necessarily sexual. He was the first person to lift my full weight off the ground in a display of love and fun in over twenty years. The sudden realisation that a void in my heart had been filled was near overwhelming.
It was a beautiful experience, and it taught me a lot about myself and what I look for in the men I choose to take as friends, lovers, or both.
Okay, I have more to say, but I think I’ll end this comment and start another for the topic change…
Okay, part two, and this is more of a direct reply to Marston’s blog entry…
As I said above, people seek all kinds of different things from their friends, lovers, and life partners: sexual fulfilment, shared interests, non-sexual physical affection, intellectual stimulation, safety, fun… the list goes on.
Fact is, even for monosexuals it’s nearly impossible to find everything you need to be happy in one person. There is nothing wrong with a relationship that fails to supply all of your social needs – just because my wife doesn’t like horror movies and I have to find other friends to share my favourite film genre doesn’t mean our marriage is a failure!
The problem that emerges in our mainstream world of straitjacketed sexuality is when you have needs that would take more than one non-platonic relationship to fulfil, or at least that appear non-platonic to an outsider.
This starts edging into polyamory territory here… Some varieties of human relationship are not technically what could be called cheating, but they have an intensity of emotion or degree of physicality to them (or both) which would feel threatening to most monogamous partners.
I’m talking about behaviour such as fully-clothed cuddling, lying on a bed together fully-clothed, saying “I love you”, and so on. This is the kind of thing where an established partner will often say, “Nope, too much, back off or end it. I feel threatened.”
Jesus, I am really rambling now and I’ve forgotten what my original point was…
I suppose my point is pretty much this: I think you are going to need to assess what you want and need in your life in order to be happy, assess what you think you are getting right now, look at the boundaries within which you have agreed to live, and try to work out if those wants and needs can fit within those boundaries.
Anyway, I’ll give this some more thought and maybe I’ll come back and make a more concise comment when my thoughts are in better order.
I can totally relate, except I would like to have some aspect of the more sensual physical contact. I also find sex with my wife most satisfying, but always crave something she can’t give physically. I have had very few sexual experiences with men, and it has been a long time ago, but my desire is intense and it’s very frustrating. My wife is aware of my bisexual nature and she is very threatened by it. It has very much caused my wife to pull back emotionally and physically, and this has the absolute worst impact on me, because I then desire male physical contact all the more. Divorce really is not an option, at least not now, due to children,etc, and I don’t think either one of us really wants that-yet we are living very sexually unsatisfying lives. And we are too young for that! I wish I could feel right about at least some type of massage/sensual touch with a man. But even if I did, then it would seem unfair for my wife, and she is anything but interested in looking for “a real man” on the side… Sometimes I feel like I could explode from this unacted on sexual energy. Any thoughts from anyone?
Marston, I completely understand where you are coming from, except I’m a happily married woman who is bisexual. My husband is aware that I’m bisexual, he’s wonderful and our sex life is satisfying to me. But there are times when I desire to have a close intimate friendship with another woman, a friendship that isn’t just emotionally intimate but also physical. My husband is very close to me, he listens to me and he understands me. But there is always one thing that he’ll never fully understand and that’s what it feels like to be a woman. He’ll never know what it feels like to have breast, a clit or a vagina. He doesn’t know what sensations they bring or how it feels to be inside a female body experiencing such things, he only sees the outward expressions. But another woman knows and she can understand why I may act a certain way or do certain things.
I don’t hold any of this against my husband but I’ve always felt a bit freer sexually with a woman in comparison with a man. With a woman I feel that I can express my sexuality in it’s fullness where with a man sometimes I feel a little embarrassed. Straight men often come with assumptions about female sexuality thinking that regardless of a woman’s sexual orientation, she can never be fully satisfied sexually unless a man is inside her. For me this isn’t the case. I’m just as equally (and sometimes more) satisfied from just clitoral stimulation and all the cuddling and touching that goes on with a woman as I am from being penetrated by a man. A lot of men don’t understand that and my husband happens to be one of those guys who is just baffled by it. For him sex isn’t sex unless intercourse is involved but for me sex is anything that two people do that’s pleasing and brings them to orgasm.
I feel that for me the desire to be with another woman has to do with longing to be fully understood and accepted as the woman that I am rather than being subjected to how I’m expected to be. Heterosexuality comes with ideological scripts on how a man is suppose to be and how a woman is suppose to be and such scripts can be suffocating to who we truly are. For me being with a woman is often a breath of fresh air from all the expectations automatically placed upon me from being in a heterosexual marriage.
Just my little tidbit from a bi woman’s perspective. I hope you don’t mind.
With this post I’m probably reading into my future. I’m not too worried about it though. I’ll likely marry my present girlfriend in the next couple years and still have a very strong attraction for guys. I joke about it with her but don’t usually take it too far. I am more sexually aggressive/experienced/open-minded than my GF though, so that’s been a little problem for me, though she is coming along… as they say. I just kinda wish I could have either an older or younger guy (or both) to learn from/care for/be real with. I think and feel intense things and sometimes women can’t relate like a guy can. Unlike the OP however, I’m not quite so moral so I would have no problem with doing it on the sly. I would have been better off in Ancient Athens I think.
I have only recently accepted my bi-ness. my wife doesn’t want to know about it.”I could have sex with a girl every day and it wouldn’t bother me, but I don’t want to see you have sex with another man”. Right now i’m thinking that she might be saying it’s ok, just don’t bring him home. Since i have accepted my dual attraction there seems to be a change in my sex life with my wife. She has taken to using our sex tools in different ways on me. I must say that I am very grateful.
In response to Will’s comments relating to Marston’s post.
Will,
It is indeed unfortunate that your wife is pulling back simply because you crave the touch of another man.This is normal but goes unspoken in our society which all but ignores the feelings of men and is patronizing toward females. The very fact that your wife is so threatened by this, shows the degree in which male on male affection is misunderstood.She sees your need for another male’s touch as a rejection of her. This is of course, is a product of the perverse psychology of homophobia which dominates our society,
The reasons and there are many, that men can’t touch and express feelings of affection are rooted in tradition and date to primitive times. I won’t get into that here.It’s detailed.
You must stop feeling guilty over your need for sex.It’s very unfair for your wife to not understand this, but that’s a realtionship problem which can be overcome possibly with counseling if she’s open to it.
I would recommend that you and Marston keep being honest with yourself, but also act on your need. Now you may want to temper that need to your own situation; however, don’t go around being unhappy or feeling guilty because your partner is either unwilling or open to the possibility of change in your respective lives.
I’m not talking about divorce, simply, an understanding as to the other aspect of your feelings and/or sexuality. You can contact me at reidercody@yahoo.com. I’ll be happy to discuss more with you.
Thank you for all the comments that have been left in response to this post. I think that in my case, Andy may well be right in his comments about the sense of craving male friendship. I’ve always struggled with close friendship with other guys – it’s always been something I’ve wanted, but have often feared any affection towards another guy being misinterpreted and rejected, and sometimes I think that fear of rejection makes that craving all the stronger. I do wonder if I would ever have felt the need to explore the homosexual side of myself if friendships with other guys had been easier from an early age. That’s something I’ll never know.
I found an interesting and slightly amusing post on another blog about male friendship which others might find interesting: it seems that intense friendships between men have not always been regarded with the suspicion that they might often provoke today.
http://artofmanliness.com/2008/08/24/the-history-and-nature-of-man-friendships/
Will – thank you for your comment. Like you, I too would love to find a way of being able to share some simple physical intimacy with my friend, but know that it would be threatening to my wife. I was sorry to see that even the possibility of divorce arose in your comment. I hope that you are able to talk things through with your wife, though I appreciate that that is difficult if she is withdrawing emotionally. My wife and I are focussing very much on the things that bind us together – we both very much want the life that we are building together, and we are carrying on with that, whilst I try to work out how my friendships with other guys fits into that.
This is in regards to Chuck’s comment to Will’s post.
His wife dose not feel threatened by “a product of the perverse psychology of homophobia which dominates our society”.
She feels threatened because she fears that the man she loves will replace her with another man. It has nothing to do with homophobia, most likely. what you should do Will, is try to explain exactly how you feel tell her what is is you desire, while assuring her that her place and the way you feel about her will never change.
I tend to agree with Ellen.
My experience chatting to the female partners of bisexual men is that they fear they will lose their husbands/boyfriends to gaydom.
Is a fear that your partner might enjoy gay sex more than straight sex homophobia?
Taken literally I suppose you could express this as “homophobia” – literally a fear of homosexuality, but it does not imply any real prejudice against homosexuality.
Almost always with bisexual men, this fear misplaced, because we a bisexual not gay. But women need this reassurance. They need to know that your feelings for them haven’t changed and won’t change.
Andy,
I’ve just been re-reading your first response to this post, and wonder if you can recall what you read about bisexuality and friendship, and where you found it. I’m keen to read some more about that, but am struggling to find very much.
Marston.
Hi Guys,
It was refreshing to see this threads of discussion. I have a similar experience. I too am married and feel attraction to guys. I am farely analytical, and so as I examine it, I realise that I too dont want an orgasm with a guy. Frankly I have fantisized about given them one, or being hugged tightly or kissed. As I think about it, I really enjoy and feel fulfilled having sex with my wife. Why this male madness? It is like I want a man to want me, or value me or communicate that I have worth in his eye. As I read some of the comments about wanting to be kissed or lay in bed, told you are loved, I wonder if this fruit of desire is born of the same tree.
The more I examined it, I realise that it is healthy to want the love and approval of another man. This was to be delivered by our dads. When this does not occur, somehow it got eroticized or at least craved for. For most of us our core need/desire is legitimate, but emerges tainted, twisted and elusive.
Male attraction is proportional to the degree in which we feel this deficit of need for male affirmation/love at any given time. Examine your attraction and when you feel the most attracted. Is it when you feel confident in who you are, feel like just one of the guys, feel good enough or is it when you feel disappointed in yourself, out comparing yourself to another?
If it is the latter, it may be that core need wanting to be filled. As for all of us who have this struggle, like its said in the commercial with the guy that is quitting smoking: I have the craving but I dont have to smoke. Our biggest challenge is to find productive ways to meet these needs. We dont have to do it. We dont have to have sex with a guy, and as some of us has realized. Its not what we want anyway Thoughts?
I’ll actually throw a spanner in that theory there, because when I feel the most interest in guys is when I’m feeling pretty good about myself. I put this down to my feeling good overcoming my shyness and my fear of being judged by gay guys. The latter is partly due to all those stereotypes flying around in the media and public consciousness, about how gay men are supposed to be.
I have to say that I really identify with Brian and Peters comments about the role played by our fathers in all of this.
It would be interesting to see how many amongst us have feelings that they feel at least partially out of either;
a) having had very little contact with their dad at all or
b) having had a good amount of contact from their dad but having totally lacked any kind of real physical bond with him (as is the case for me)
Hope to see some thoughts on the issue and it will be great to find someone to identify with on it….
Marston,
Really feeling your comments about early male friendship too. Not only did I have a real lack of trust (in fact I was pretty much bullied) for any male friends till about 16 but I also have a bisexual older relative who used to take me from about the age of 10 to a local gay pub where the gay adults seemed to really appreciate me (in ways which were not what i originally thought they were but became increasingly aparent). I think these combined experiences (plus the dad situtuation of my previous post) have done a lot to shape who I am and my craving for male affection.
And finally….
Brian- to throw a counter spanner into the works- I absolutely identify with the last two paragraphs of your post and in particular;
“Male attraction is proportional to the degree in which we feel this deficit of need for male affirmation/love at any given time. Examine your attraction and when you feel the most attracted. Is it when you feel confident in who you are, feel like just one of the guys, feel good enough or is it when you feel disappointed in yourself, out comparing yourself to another?”
I am currently low and my feeling as ‘one of the boys’ is diminished. when I have been happier in the recent past I have also felt very much to be part of the gang and/or particualrly close with certain male friends. But these things ebb and flow, I’ll feel better and that will go hand in hand with a feeling of being accepted as one of the boys.
T,
Thank you for sharing all of this. I think you might be on to something here. I certainly had a difficult relationship with my father when I was growing up, and that has hurt deeply at certain points in my life. Even as an adult, I have occasionally found myself crying uncontrollably at the lack of the relationship I would have wanted with him. And that has been damaging: in my teens, I formed a friendship with an older man who developed an unwelcome interest in me, and became a pest – I think I could have been spared that had I had a strong relationship with my father. And I do think that the desire that I now have to hold and be held by another guy is related to the sense of loss of the supportive male affection that I wish I had had as a child and as a teenager. Is it, I wonder, too late to build the relationship I need with my father at this late stage of life? And if that were possible, would it stop me craving affection from other men?
Marston,
Well firstly, who am I to advise?! I don’t want you to place too much importance upon the opinion of someone who is very detached from your situation…
But I would say that I would have thought that it is likely to have some benefit in seeking to build upon the bond with your dad. However, perhaps do not place too much hope upon it, if you are looking to lose the craving for male affection and that does not happen then you may just be causing yourself additional pain.
Good luck with whatever approach you aim to take.
T
I will say that reading all of your comments, I can personally relate to most of you. I am in my early 30′s and have been married for almost 14yrs now, I have a wonderful wife and 2 beautiful kids. Before I was married I had a craving and desire for men, but at the same time I also had a desire and craving for women. I was brought up that marriage is between a man and a woman so being Gay or Bi sexual was out of the question.
I really can’t tell my wife my situation for she is going to think that it has something to do with her, our sex life is great but sometimes at climax time I can’t satisfy myself because I am thinking of being with a man. Has anyone experienced this?
I now look back and wonder if I had made different choices in my childhood and teenage years would my life be different? and if so to what extent? I’m sure we all have questions that no one can answer, but what I will say is that having comments like this you can feel some type of relief knowing that you are not the only one out there feeling the way you do.
I would love to have a man by my side, to hug me and be kisssed by him, but yet again I want to stay with my family aswell. You know the saying “Have your cake and eat it to”, that would be me.
I would love to be in touch with other men in same situation, my email is oicu875@hotmail.com if there is anyone interested in chatting.
Good to hear from you guys. I am married and still do feel attraction. I have asked myself a lot of questions. I will be a little blunt, but not inappropriate.
Let’s look at kissing, comparing kissing a girl vs kissing a guy. When you kissed the girl, you still feel like something is missing, or you are left not satisfied. Was it that the girl was a bad kisser or was it that the guy was better kisser? If we think about it carefully and objectively we will find that that it was not so much the kiss, that triggers our satisfaction, but rather our set of underlying needs and whether they were met or not. I am no doctor, just an analytical guy with a science background. (Chemistry and physics)
I sometimes think about giving pleasure. The big turn on was to hear the guy groan is delight, pull me close, ask for more or pursue me passionately. I wanted him to go wild over me, to be turned on in rapturous passion. I wanted to be desired. As I examined the fantasy, it occurred to me after stripping away all the eroticism, what was left was a pure normal desire for a man to see value in me. I want him to tell me I was worth something. I wanted him to deeply love me, to say I was a ‘man’ or his peer. How all that becomes erotized I don’t know. At the same time if I receive commendation from a man I respected for doing good work, I would see the same guy and say handsome guy and it would go no further in my mind.
I think for everyone it is different. Nevertheless if we really want to understand ourselves, come to a better place we need to ask the hard questions, first embracing the premise that sex is never really just about sex. Neither attraction is just about attraction. I am not presenting a panacea, just stuff from my own experience and process.
I love my wife and family. I love her caress. I want my kids to grow up in a home where they see love, where they have a responsible dad, where what they see in me will help them gauge how to find themselves a good husband. So what do I do when I feel the desire, I am learning that what I feel ( the desire to be loved by a man) is something I never got from my dad, that has become tangled in sex the erotic. Thing is my dad I feel is so set in his ways, that I may never get from him what every boy should get. I must find healthy ways to satisfy this legitimate core desire. This is my quest!
no more blogging?
Wow! Am I happy to have found this blog. I am a bi man in my mid forties. I have been bi for as long as I can remember (at least since I was 15) and had male relationships as well and relationships with women. I have been married to a wonderful woman for nearly 20 years. She knows about my bisexuality and knew about it before we started dating and eventually getting married. The problem is that I have not been with another man in over 20 years. Sure I have fantasized, etc. but I have not been with one. I have suppressed these urges for all this time and now they are surfacing again. Oh, sure they have come and gone over the years, but not to the extreme they are now. I love my wife and don’t want to hurt her or jeopardize our marriage. However, these urges are so strong and are all I think about as of late. As someone earlier said, it’s not even so much sex, it’s the desire to just hold and cuddle with another man, kiss and touch each other. To feel their strength in my arms, holding me. Just once in a while spend an evening with a male friend holding each other, cuddling. I just don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I should talk to my wife about this or even how understanding she would be. Do I continue to suppress it and hope it goes away or will that just lead to something unhealthy. I don’t know what to do.
My questions are these. First, how many others out there have “understandings” with their wives that have been successful. Can these types of understandings really work. Can an occasional evening with a male “friend” be enough to satisfy these desires and urges or can it just lead to other problems? I am very confused and just don’t know what to do.
Thanks for your input.
I think bi men are interested in investigating the physical and emotional touch of a male friend because we look to learn something deeper about ourselves and our friends. I know I’m looking for bonding, comfort, and understanding, and I want to be able to give that as well.
As family units disintegrate and disperse, having a physical, emotional, and sexual bond with other people kind of makes up for that. The hard part is finding a willing partner who will share that with you.
Wow. I can’t believe I found this. I’m so glad I’m not alone. I love my wife dearly, but sometimes I just crave a man too. To hold and be held. To talk with and to share my fears with. To kiss and to love, and to not be ashamed. I crave it and it’s something I can’t control.
Well I will say that being raised without a dad might be the main trigger but as we all know being adults and thinking differently than when we were younger. We now make decisions that we FEEL are right.
Here is a scenario; I’m married with kids, I just met this wonderful guy about 3 months ago who is Married with kids aswell. The way he looks at me, the way he touches me, the sense of him being close to me just makes me want to melt. Him and I have not yet done anything physical but I know the desire and fire are there. Now we have spoken about male to male issues and he says that he is the gayest straight man there is, Now how would you percieve this? I didn’t know what to say when he said this. I sometimes just want to grab his face and kiss him, but the fear of lossing our friendship is what is keeping me from actually doing it. I feel that he wants me to make the first move. He has told me about his erections at night and not being able to do anything, he was playing footsies with me while we are all gathered at the kitchen table, he grabs my thigh and says wow you have muscular legs I LOVE THEM, he told me that he cares for me and cherishes the friendship we have. He told me on tuesday for me to be myself around him and that if I needed to say or do something to go ahead and stop being afraid. HUH? The list goes on and on….
The point that I am trying to make is now that I have found a good looking guy that I think is in my same perdicament, that I love to be around, I love carring a conversation with, our wives get along great and so do the kids, should I make the first move? And if so, what should I do? Has anyone been thru this and if so what was the outcome? Please give me some insight.
Can anyone relate to my situation?
I regularly and compulsively masturbate over gay porn or pictures of the naked male body, yet when i’m at work, in a club, or any kind of mixed social situation i never feel any attraction whatsoever towards men. It’s like i fancy women and am 100% hetero in situations were people are fully dressed, but when it comes to bodies i am far more aroused by the male
I don’t want a relationship with a transexual so it’s not something i’ve ever integrated into my life, and it’s never really bothered me until now. Was watching Big Brother’s Big Quiz last night (some people in the UK may have seen it) and the former BB contestant Kemal was on it dressed as a woman in a short dress and high heels. I ended up having one of my best orgasms ever fantasising about it. Yet in the most basic sense, i am attracted to women, not men
Hey Guys,
Well my drama is still unfolding, I know I love him but I am not sure if he can recriprocate the same feelings. Now here is where my dilema goes from good to bad; he told me that he really cares for me, then he told me that he loved me. We are both in this emotional affair that we aren’t doing anything about it. I told him the other day that “what would he do if I kissed him?” he thought about it and said ” Oh, I don’t roll like that”! I said ok then friends it is…….
We have seen each other now everyday for the past month and a half, he is going on a busniness trip today and won’t return till wednesday, I go on a business trip on thursday and won’t return till saturday evening. So I asked him yesterday, “Do you realize that we will be apart and not seeing each other till next Sunday”? He says; “Oh hell, that is a long time, I am going to miss you! But I will have to call you everyday to hear your voice.”
If this isn’t an emotional affair now what is this called?
I want to be able to spend my free time with him and vice versa. We are even planning on having family trips together, now I don’t know if I can contain myself, believe me I have seen him in a pair of wet swimming trunks!!!!
I really do not know if I should keep this emotional roller coaster going, I don’t want to get hurt nor do I want to hurt him. WHAT SHOULD I DO??? Please help me
Hello I’m always very happy to see other me in the some way but I’m looking for men I can talk too because some people have no idea what is one my mind please respond and I’ll get back.
Hey there Adam, if you like email me and we can get each others number so we can be able to talk about our issues. Believe me I know we always need someone to talk to. My email address is oicu875@hotmail.com
Hum…guys I can relate too….don’t think of myself as anything, feared being queer when I was a teenager and didn’t go into the navy out of fear of the feelings inside (instead tried for a marine biology career – at least I worked offshore for a while).
For about two years now I have “given up” trying to fight my male attractions. I am happily married, with kids, etc.
I think the thing that finally convinced me was discovering that male faces was all it took to “send me into the stratosphere”. At that point, I just said this is too big to stuff inside a box any more.
Currently I have tried to find a good guy friend that is not weirded out by physical closeness or by my telling him what I think about his looks or touching his face or kissing, but no luck. Even tried the Friend Finder, Outpersonals, etc.
Guys it is just way too complicated and very frustrating. So you go to the “gay” friendship sites and they all either want casual sex or are put off by the prospect of building a meaningful relationship with a married guy.
Crap there seems to be no answer.
Lee,
I understand your frustration, I too have yearned for a guy that can understand and love me for who I am A Married man with kids who happens to be BI. Going to these Gay sites only for Sex is not my thing either. The guys on there really aren’t looking for friends they are just looking for a piece of ass and nothing more. Maybe you and I could be friends depending on where you live. I live in Orlando, FL.
Send me an email if you are interested in at least chatting with someone that is in your same perdicament. That would be nice to atleast get some of the sexual frustration out with someone that is going thru the same situation. My email is oicu875@hotmail.com I await your response.
JC
It feels good to come to a place where most of the people understand how bumpy the trip has been so far…I am 35 and not married yet. I always had the idea of me being a father and part of it stems from being able to prove that I can be a good one. Not that my father was horrible, he was, I suppose, a good provider that was able to deal with the practical needs of his family more readily than the deeper emotional needs.
Like everyone else here I share that particular background that leads me to long for a close friend, to be aware of close proximity and phisical contacts with other men I consider attractive.
During the years I considered myself gay and struggled with the definition of it, the sense of guilt and the still vivid interest for the other sex. I discovered 6-7 years ago (quite late) that sex with a woman and the delicate energy of a smooth body is something completely different to which I can relate at a deeper level. The sex is fully satisfactory and yet how devilishly subtle is the ‘ambush’ I play on myself by never feeling completely satisfied and at peace.
I am in a relationship with a woman I love now and yet I still long for a male intimate touch. I can channel that feeling for the longest stretches of time but it all comes back in its brutal compulsive force making me feel defeated and miserable.
I haven’t spoken to my partner about my feelings mainly because I am not sure on how she would react. I am at a loss and although I love her and we would like to build a future together I fear that I might push her away as I always did in the past.
I just stumbled across this blog and particularly this post. Sorry for being a newbie about this.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Here are guys talking about the same feelings I have been having for years. Oh my, guys expressing dissatisfaction with no strings sex with gays. I read another comment about loving your wife and at the same time being attracted to a man.
Over the years I have tried to find that special friend. I met gay men who said they were ok with me being married. It usually turned out that they are ok with the marriage so long as you putting out.
But it’s so much more than sex. The feeling that there is someone who understands your “secret” side. Someone who is strong and accepting of your foibles.
Yes this could be confused with the desire to have a strong male friendship (sans sex). However, in the past I have found that close male friendships make me desire sex. It’s not just the physical pleasure of the sex, it’s also the intimacy that comes from being emotionally close with another man.
Sorry for rambling, but I was so excited to find this site I had to post my enthusiasm!
Great job!
I see sexuality on a continuum, and I’m sure my wife agrees. However, I’m sure she would not understand when I tell her sometimes I yearn for a man’s arms around me.
Hi all,
I too am in a similar situation, im 34 single (as I cant commit)but have been in love(??) with my best mate for 17 years. We see each other several times a week and most weekends. I believe he feels a platonic only love for me, but I would loke more. I dont think I acutally would want a sexual relationship with him logically, as he can be an ass haha, but reading the above posts has really helped. I think I am in love with him as a really close friend and sometimes this ebbs over to lust. I know if he ever gave me an indication to go for it I would have. But he has been with his girlfriend now for 11 years and she and I are really close too, so I would never hurt her.
I also beleive that it wouldnt work further than how it currently stands, but I also think this odd relationship has stopped me moving on.
Any suggestions??
BOY BOY BOY, do I understand all of your concerns. As you may have read about my friend and I, well that is exactly what we are and are going to be, FRIENDS.
After getting emotionally involved with him, nothing physical or sexual I came to the determination that he doesn’t want anything more than be a friend to me and I have had to accept that in a very harsh way.
But please tell me if I am wrong, if a man bought you gifts, told you that you look cute in something your wearing, dedicated songs to you, has said that he LOVES you and is very affectionate with you, wouldn’t you think otherewise? Well I did! I thought I had the MAN of my dreams, the one that knows my situation and is aware of my needs. But I was wrong.
We have gone our seperate ways as friends and now are more distant than ever. Even though I miss our conversations, our walks and alone time, I fell a sense of relief to know that I didn’t take it to the next level with him and he can’t hold that against me if any of this were to arise later on.
Hi, people
Just to try and shed some light on the above situation. I really love my best friend we are really close, however he says he is straight – and I have to respect this. We can be very touchy sometimes, however I find that the closer we get, the more it makes me desire him sexually. I searched pretty hard for this guy and was upfront about my bi-sexuality from the start, and he respects this.
I grew up very close to my mother, although my father was always there for me there was constantly something missing from my life. I too thought that finding a very close male friend would help the situation but this however, was not the case. I have completely fallen for my best friend and he’s always there for me to crawl back to after one night stand or if a relationship goes wrong for me whether or not this is with a man or a woman. However I do not always find this relationship easy or beneficial, instead I am overcome with jealousy any time a girl starts to get close with him.
I also sympathise with you greatly JC. I’m sorry, but if you’re that close to a guy; he buys you gifts; he says you look cute. I would be inclined to think he was at the very least – confused. If any man is positively straight then he would have ran a mile if he thought in any way that you liked him at all – and it seems both of you shared at least an attraction for each other. He’s most likely to be afraid of his inner feelings or is unsure about what to do about them:
“He told me on tuesday for me to be myself around him and that if I needed to say or do something to go ahead and stop being afraid”. I really don’t mean to give you false hope or anything but that just seems to make his feelings clear. From what your telling me it really sounded like he wanted you to kiss him.
CEEJAII,
That is exactly what I felt and yes I wanted to do so sooooo bad, but then I thought about our friendship and what that would have done. Honestly now looking back I should have done it! We hardly speak any more and when we see each other is more like a hi & by thing. We really do not communicate at all as we used to.
I know I had alot to do with us not being as we used to, he always wanted me to tell him how I felt, what ever was wrong with me that I should talk to him, but yet again the times that I did he shut down on me!
Look I know for a fact that there was an attraction from the begining on both parts, he is a VERY handsome man and he knows it, I do not consider myself to be top shelf but I think I look good. He did tell me several times that he thought that I was cute, handsome and debonair. He told me that he loved me on several occasions, that I told him that Love is a big word, and his response was that he knows the meaning and he knows what his feelings were telling him.
These are some of his actual sayings:
“I get the feeling there are more of us out there than we know.”What does your wife think about me? Did I get approval?” You know you can just be yourself around me, like I told you on the cruise, one of the things I love about you” I will not lie, you are a handsome and adorable dude” He even dedicated ONE from U2 and other songs that are very sentimental. The fact that he has said that he loved me in soooo many times before.
I was sooo cunfused about the whole situation that I was so fed up with the emotional feelings that I told him what exactly is it that he wanted? I told him if he only wanted to be my friend than that is exactly how it was going to be. That was back in January! With that being said like my motto says “IT IS WHAT IT IS!”
I want to share something very private, but I have struggled for some years with my bi side and in particular a male friendship.
It all started my last year of college when I met a friend in a club on campus. We instantly became friends in hetero way. We soon were hanging out together, going to the gym, getting food, spending time with mutual friends in group settings. However, I started to come over to his dorm and after a while we just were playing one night like wrestling.
Soon after we would sleep in the same bed, which led to spooning. Over the coarse of several years it has built up year by year us doing more an more ….all the while doing our straight lives. Now we have not had full sex, we have now questioned each others motives.
What are we now…I feel like I love him, but at the same time I don’t want to marry him. Have children with him, nor live together, but I love him. I love the embrace he gives me….I love how he understands me….I love the total comfort I get from him. Sometimes I feel like a basket case when he did no t call me.
It’s so strange….I know he loves me too. Niether of us are married or in serious relationships with women yet but soon it will happen and I wonder if it will kill it off. I think yes…because shouldn’t a marriage be enough.
Jared, to answer your last quetion about marriage being enough, NO when you are BI being in a straight marraige isn’t enough because you will always yearn to have that intimate feeling that you have had for all these years.
If it’s love, let it be, everything will fall into place and you and him will have a long life together as FRIENDS w/ Benefits and some love mixed into it.
My suggestion is go with the flow and let nature takes it course. Your both adults and having a title of what you are isn’t what you need, what is need is exactly what you both have and that is love, compassion, good times, comfort and the occasional spooning. LOL
You guys have a great thing going…………
Best of luck to you all
I think i speak for all of us when i say nothing ever works out… the truth is never easy to take;
the only advice i can give is go to bed with a smile on your face, no matter how you do it.
good luck with your problems guys.