Mar 15 2009
Bi Now, Gay Later: Staring Down a Myth
Bi the Way has described why bi men can look gay to those who know them. I won’t restate what Bi the Way has already written, but I want to briefly show how homophobia, media portrayals, and bi writing itself conspire to make bisexuality look like a ruse. Understanding how the myth works can help us respond to the bi equivalent of “you just haven’t met the right girl.”
Many in the straight world think all queers look alike, and bisexuality appears as a shade of gay. Straight-centred folk may overlook the occasional bi-curious experiment, but they seem to think sustained same-sex desire happens only for those who don’t fully enjoy the other sex – like a conflicted man using women to mask an overwhelming hunger for a forbidden fruit. Thus a man’s same-sex attraction looks real, while his opposite-sex feelings look false. If same-sex taboos ever disappear, it won’t matter which – if any – sex we like “best.” Until then, monosexual people may have a hard time understanding that bi people can and do form stable relationships with either sex.
As every journalist knows, stability puts an audience to sleep. As a result, the press portrays bisexuality as a carnival of crisis: A politician’s career disintegrates in the wake of a gay sex scandal. Tearful talk-show wives reveal husbands’ betrayal “on the down-low.” A friend of a friend divorces a woman who claims she’s living a lie. Thus bisexuality starts to look like the delusion of a closet queer trying to squeeze into a straight jacket. If a silent majority of bisexuals lead stable, ordinary lives, neither they nor the media feels motivated to show it. That leaves bisexuals with the responsibility of showing the world accurate portrayals of bi existence.
While pop culture sensationalises bisexuality, our own writing often makes our same-sex desire seem most important. I see no way around this – what’s the point of discussing bisexuality if not to discuss our same-sex attraction? Nevertheless, readers who see us write mainly on same-sex topics may assume we’re just gays playing games. We can’t help what we must discuss, but if we recognize the rainbow effect in bisexual discourse, we can better confront doubts about our other-sex attractions.
Who cares what others think? Unfortunately, opinions affect lives. Finding and maintaining a relationship gets tricky when potential partners think bi means gay-lite. Debates about whether bisexuality exists make it hard for emerging bisexuals to understand their own feelings. So we can smile and say “possibly” when someone claims that bi men and women will “both be having sex with men five years from now,”* but when we speak up against misinformation, we’re helping ourselves and others like us.
Tiresias
* Stephanie Fairyington discusses this old joke in “Bisexuality and the Case Against Dualism.” The Gay & Lesbian Review Worldwide 12.4 (2005). Fairyington’s piece deals sympathetically with bisexual issues.
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7 Responses to “Bi Now, Gay Later: Staring Down a Myth”
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the myths about bisexuality wont go away, they exist because people like to beleive them to stop them from questioning their own orientation
my guess is it will be gone in 200 years or so because even if the world leaders stopped all discrimination tommorow there would still be predjudice and it would take a few generations to get the close minded teachings out of circulation, basically its not going to happen in anyones lifetime, even if you i do live to see it i would be 113 and have no sexual attraction whatsoever so I wouldn’t benefit from it
Hi Ben,
You’re right, myths aren’t going away any time soon. If we can’t get rid of myths completely, at least we can present an alternative to the stereotypes.
Tiresias
sorry that my first comment here is a bitchy comeback to another commenter but, here goes.
if we’re dispelling myths and stereotypes here, can we also not buy into the totally false idea that old=asexual. sexuality and sexual attraction does not disappear after 50. i don’t know any 113 year olds, but i’ve met some pretty randy octogenarians.
i liked the post btw.
I know that people don’t become asexual just randomly but when you go into triple digits (roughly) your brain loses functionality as if it unlearns things you may not know what sex is anymore.
It may not be true for all bisexuals, but me, I’m attracted to people. If I find someone physically attractive, if I feel like we connect on an intellectual and emotional plane, if I hold them and they just smell _right_, then quite frankly I don’t much care what happens to be hidden in their underpants.
I suspect this is the definition that will liberate and legitimise bisexuality in the future. Rather than being seen as deluded or transitioning gays, or heartless, homewrecking sluts, I want bisexuality to be seen as people who just love people, skipping gaily across established gender boundaries.
Wouldn’t that be great, being defined by how freely you love?
p.s. A friend of mine wrote a song about bisexuality called Getting Bi, and recorded it with me doing guest vocals. It’s a fun, catchy pop song with a positive attitude.
Every chorus features the lines “Got no time to live a lie, I’m too busy getting bi” and “I can’t help it, I just love people!”
It’s become kind of anthemic for me these days.
If only people thought it meant gay-lite or hell even straight-lite. The majority of people think bisexual and think about adultery. They can’t figure out how a bisexual can be happy in a monogamous relationship.
That leaves bi-sexual men and women with bad wraps. Its actually easier for women (I’m not being sexist) because most straight guys go a long very easily with the bi girl fantasy. Most straight girls don’t go along with the bi guy fantasy though, not saying some aren’t totally into it.
So, the questions you need to work out is how you can be both bisexual and in a committed relationship. Not all committed relationships have to be monogamous (personally I think monogamy is whack and honesty about who you play with and safe play is key), but that is where you really need to keep the lines of communication open. Also, you have to not delude yourself about rather you will be happy in a same sex or different sex coupling that is exclusive.
On top of all of this, it probably doesn’t help that a good 50% (or more) of gay guys would love to be able to have the straight life and the stepping stone for a good 90% (or more) of gays coming out is to say they are bisexual first. I guess, people just don’t understand that you can be totally into both. People like Jenna Jameson and Tommy D XXX do it every day, but in the real world, most people look at the fact that you can be with a woman and think you should be on both the gay and straight side of the aisle.