Mar 09 2009
Goodbye, Mister Bond: Why Telling Matters
I wrote last time that I’m closeted. It’s not that I haven’t told anyone, but not everyone I’ve told believes me. Yesterday, a friend claimed I’m just like her: straight but not afraid to cross the gender barrier. Meanwhile, my wife insists that I’m just curious. Thus I remain to others curiously straight, and to insist on the B word brings more trouble than it’s worth. But I clearly get something out of my bi identity, or I wouldn’t be writing here.
Not everyone curious about same-sex eroticism identifies as bisexual, why me? Because I long ago broke the bi barrier. I don’t know what turns bi-curiosity into a certainty, but calling it curiosity eventually sounds ridiculous. Since before puberty, I’ve felt drawn to people across the gendered spectrum. I’ve found my feelings confirmed time after time. Acknowledging my bisexuality validates what I feel, while calling it curiosity feels like evasion.
Bisexuality doesn’t affect my driving habits, my digestion, or when my bills are due. Aside from rare arguments on the topic, my marriage does not suffer for my sexual orientation. I’m as faithful as a Jane Austen hero, but my straight-ish life hardly benefits from a label no Victorian could speak by name. If external details of my life offer no incentive to come out, my inward life cries out for it.
Most of us grow up presumed straight until “proven” gay, and it may take years to realize that neither label really fits. Some people reject all sexual-identity labels as too confining, but rejecting labels nullifies my feelings worse than biphobia itself. I want to describe how I feel, not obscure it. A bisexual identity can be difficult to maintain because, unless I date both sexes at once (which hasn’t happened and won’t), people will use my current relationship to define my sexuality. Thus, we bisexuals must assert ourselves or live like double agents with one side always in the closet.
So this post has been all about explaining what I get out of calling myself bisexual. It may not make sense to come out always and everywhere, but the slightest bi-related act – such as posting here - brings rewards. I don’t get a sexual smorgasbord, an open marriage, or a lavender Volkswagen convertible. I just get peace of mind.
Tiresias
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14 Responses to “Goodbye, Mister Bond: Why Telling Matters”
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That was interesting. Life in the closet can be stifling though and the more we share ourselves the better we and the world will be. Being Bi isn’t about who you are attracted to as much as who you are and what you express. We are an answer to the male/female, dominant/submissive, sacred/profane dichotomy that has crippled most societies for too long. Just be.
“If external details of my life offer no incentive to come out, my inward life cries out for it…. I want to describe how I feel, not obscure it.”
That’s a really good argument for defining oneself as bisexual. In Dual Attraction, they say something similar about bisexuals in San Francisco:
“Adopting such a label made sense of their feelings, attractions, and behaviors and helped them form a community with others who identified the same way.”
I have the feeling others don’t accept the bisexual label because there isn’t a visible bisexual community. Unfortunately, a strong community can’t come about without people, on some level, defining themselves as bisexual. So I, myself, feel some external obligation to come out, knowing that it will aid not only me, but others.
I agree. Publishing my thoughts on bisexuality is one way to counter the abundance of suspicion and falsehood about bisexuality one finds on the Internet (not to mention TV, radio, journalism, etc.).
Thank you for this. I am really quite closeted as I am in a “straight” relationship and people therefore assume I am straight, especially as I have more straight experience than gay. But neither label would feel right and saying I don’t believe in labels has started to feel like a cop out as well. This gives the reason I couldn’t explain as to why I feel the need to declare myself bisexual, even though I “gain” nothing by it.
Hey Tiresias
Nice essay – I related to it. I ‘came out’ a (very) long time ago – quite spectacularly really and to all and sundry… and within months entered a long term (semi-open) relationship with a woman, followed by an even longer term (exclusive) relationship with another woman. I have never made a secret of my orientation – in fact I went out of my way in the past to shove it in peoples’ faces (so to speak!) …But it seems a bit pointless when I am very happy and in a monogamous, long term relationship to keep waving the flag in the wind. Does one need to keep actively declaring one’s orientation when there is no intent to follow it up?
I am pleased that all 3 of my kids are embracing of all sexual orientations (though I think all are straight) and each gets quite upset at overt homophobia – but I don’t regularly go into the complexities of my orientation with them (although I would never be anything other than honest and direct- if asked).
For me, the important thing is that my partner knows me very well indeed, and there are no secrets there – I think it would be unfair and to some extent living a lie (for me at least) if my partner had no idea of my wild past and of my wide tastes in homo sapiens – but apart from that I feel pretty comfortable these days without being very political in my declarations – am I copping out?
Hi Lip-guy,
I’m glad to read that you’ve fit your bisexuality into a comfortable life with your family – a happy, balanced life is anything but a cop-out. You’re right, bisexuals in monogamous relationships may have little incentive to “wave the flag in the wind.” However, maintaining a bi identity can be important regardless of one’s current or sought sex life. Whether or not to come out of the closet (and what form coming out might take) depends on each individual’s circumstances. Acknowledging bisexuality need not require t-shirts or bullhorns — especially if, for example, to insist on a conspicuous bi identity hurts a straight partner. Some small bi-related act, like posting online, can feel like the antidote to a drift into the closet.
Tiresias
I am starting to come to the realization that I might be “bi”. I have never had a sexual encounter with another man, and have been in a great relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years. I have always been curious but never really felt the need to act out. I have been obsessing over the fact that I might be “bi” for a couple of weeks now, and it has been causing some anxiety. The need to have a sexual encounter with another man is not very strong, just the thought of it is what I have been having trouble dealing with. My girlfriend completely understands the way I feel and I love her even more for that. It’s nice to get this off my chest and find a website where people feel the same way.
[...] has written recently about the importance of bi guys being visible (Goodbye, Mister Bond: Why Telling Matters). I had been wondering for a while if I should come out and be honest with the world about myself, [...]
I first started being “bi-curious” about 3 years ago, the summer between freshman and sophomore year of high school. I had the TV on late at night on Comedy Central, and when the Girls Gone Wild commercials came on, I noticed that they turned me on. Now I fully accept that I am bi, even though I am in a 3 1/2 year-long hetero relationship and have never had any experience with women. Actually, once I realized that I liked girls, I had some crushes that were almost grade school in that they were mainly based on looks, not personality or other traits. I’ve grown past that, and have yet to find any girls. My bf understands me, and would be fine with me having a relationship with a girl too. My main problem is that I am shy around strangers and will probably have trouble finding a bi or lesbian girl to come out to.
I love your site, it helps me feel that I am not alone in my apparent heterosexuality. I wish people could be more understanding of bisexuality, both monogamous and polyamorous.
I haven’t come out yet, just to my BF of 2 years. I’ve always had this belief that everything is love first, sex second. At every stage in my life there’s been some girl I liked but was too confused or ashamed to do anything about it. I also haven’t had a relationship with a woman, although I’ve been upset with heartbreak the same way I’d feel if it was a guy…but worse because I can’t say anything outloud.
I’m in a monogamous relationship and hate the fact that people will automatically assume that’d I’d be okay with a FFM threesome. My BF has been very accepting of this and understands as he’s also bisexual in nature, but unlike me he’s not interested in an emotional relationship with the same sex.
This article’s made me feel more at ease about coming out. I want to come out but can’t find a reason why since I’m monogamous and in a relationship as is…still debating what to do.
“A bisexual identity can be difficult to maintain because, unless I date both sexes at once (which hasn’t happened and won’t), people will use my current relationship to define my sexuality. Thus, we bisexuals must assert ourselves or live like double agents with one side always in the closet.”
Im a teen questioning my sexuality. I’ve said i was str8, bi, then gay, then bi again. ive realized it all depends on how i feel at that moment. the reason i dont want to identify as bi is because, well what if i end up getting attracted to someone who’s intersexed or transgendered? what does that make me. also, the reason why i have that quote is because people might expect me to be after guys and girls all the time to prove that im bi, but that’s not the way i wanna be
I don’t ever mention it out of context, but I am a terrible liar! When the conversation turns to relationships, I mention that I had a relationship with a man for three years. In April I started seeing another woman and when uncertain of people’s reactions I obfuscate genders all over the shop, making it fairly obvious… and then the person asks her name and I can’t lie…
Which basically means that it took three years to tell some people, and three weeks to tell others…
I am very lucky in that I work in an art gallery, where the vast majority of people are very tolerant (about everything, not just this issue).There’s still some people I would never tell in a million years, however…
As far as I know I am the only bi woman, in my department at least… The men are all married/gay and the women are all straight so finding someone at work was never gonna happen!
I didn’t know about this site until now, not sure whether it existed 12 years ago when I decided to “do something” about the way I felt and learn about other people’s experiences etc etc… I was, and still am, incredibly shy if I find someone attractive, and am generally assumed to be straight, as I have had more relationships with men … so it can be tempting to just pretend to be single for ages when seeing a woman.
But that seems unfair to the woman concerned, as well as dishonest by omission. I still get ridiculously nervous when telling people – and you can multiply that by ten when telling new partners – though all my boyfriends have been straight, my ex girlfriend and current one are both bi – it just worked out that way…
Anyway thanks, this is interesting….
Hello, Charles here,…dont be misled by the buttoned up name, it’s a traditional northern English family name…. but I just want to agree with so many of the comments here, and thank Tiresias for the original article that’s prompted them. I’m 56, I can safely say I’ve been bisexual since… well probably my early teens, but I was always surrouded by a male dominated culture of conform or take the consequences….too complicated too explain, but some of the comments I’ve read illustrate some of it. Choice gets taken away from you. ”I am bisexual”, ‘No your a fu=##+ faggot/queer whatever, so I have since being able to take my own path in life, ie: Art college, and making art my career, where I felt amongst a very open minded climate, I was involved in relationships with individuals of both gender. After moving to London I was able to mix with like minded individuals from the arts, who despite their pesonal idiocyncracies, always let people live their own way, as long as it didnt involve abuse or immorality.
After many years I’ve now met a man I feel I can have a commited relationship with….all my previous long term relationships have been with women. My family perceive me as staight, but to some puzzling and too ambiguous, so it’s going to come as a shock if I decide to live a loving life with my partner, while others will say, ‘I told you so.’
I have found amazing support and strength, just sharing in the experiences of others on this web site. Thank you all.
Love and Peace from England.
Charles x
Hi,
This is Hannah here.
Reading all these posts made me think of the importance of coming out as bisexual or pansexual, and explaining what it means in your particular case. I think people otherwise will never understand. They now know what the words gay and lesbian mean, however, there are still many prejudices about bisexuality.
My perception is that many people think that many women are curious, and some men just want to have sex with other men. While being straight.
And then there is the opinion of some gay and lesbian people, who think that people are either homosexual or heterosexual; thus if they think they are bisexual, they are just confused or in some kind of phase.
In my opinion it is extremely important to try to make people understand how complex the human mind is, how we all can feel curious, interested or attracted to someone, independently or their gender.
My goal would be that people would just understand that people might be in a straight/gay relationship, have straight/gay fantasies, fall in love or be attracted to PEOPLE, because that’s what’s all about… Hope that in the future there will be no need to explain…
Thanks for reading, comments are most welcome, and sorry for my English!
Hannah