Jan 23 2009
Private Bisexuality
I get an increasing number of emails from distraught women who have just found out their boyfriend or husband is bisexual. For some this obviously creates issues for their relationship, but for most the biggest issue seems to be that their boyfriend won’t talk about his bisexuality with them.
I feel for these women, because they genuinely do love their boyfriends and they do have valid questions they need to ask and get answers to. But their men won’t talk to them. Why not?
My theory is that a lot of men are still closet about their bisexuality and feel uncomfortable talking about with people who know them as straight. The anonymity of dating web sites, message boards and text services allows them to express their bisexuality in a relatively safe environment which won’t impact on their otherwise straight lives. This provides an outlet for their bisexuality without presenting the problem of gaining acceptance from friends and loved ones.
But even after these guys have come out (or been found out), they refuse to discuss their bisexuality, perhaps they feel it emasculates them? Or perhaps they just want to keep it private and separate from their heterosexual love lives?
I’d like to hear from guys in this situation to find out exactly why. But know that silence is not a good thing, not once you are out to your girlfriend, it confuses them. If you refuse to speak to them about it, they immediately worry that you are going to leave them for a man.
Equally, guys I know that you worry, that once your girl knows about your bisexuality, she is going to leave you. But invariably she just wants to understand. Its when she doesn’t fully understand, when she’s uncertain and when she feels you aren’t being 100% honest an open with her that she is in danger of leaving you. So boys please when it comes to your girlfriends, don’t hold back, your girl needs to know.
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66 Responses to “Private Bisexuality”
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I am a bisexual man who is married. I learned a long time ago that you need to be yourself around people you want to spend the rest of your life with. My bisexuality, therefore, wasn’t something that I would have hidden at any time.
However, living in Alabama shows me that many people here aren’t comfortable being seen as anything other than “manly men.” Being gay is hard to accept for many people. Being bisexual is sometimes even worse.
I haven’t come out to my (estranged) parents because I remember them talking about a male bisexual relative. They would have supported him if he were gay, but being bisexual just meant he was “confused and should just decide which to be.”
to the dude above me
i think you should come out to your parants , if you explain it to them they will probably reconsider there judgement
I think a lot of guys who have a girlfriend or wife, think that when they do stuff with guys, it isn’t gay(bi) because they have a girlfriend or wife, they somehow rationalize in their head that they are straight.
I think it is a very good thing to tell your significant other. If you really want have an open and honest realationship, that is something that needs to be discussed. If she really loves you then it won’t matter. I came out as bisexual to my girlfriend not to long ago and she was absolutely fine with it. She knows I won’t cheat on her and she understands, even through her baptist upbringing, that it is not my choice. It was great to be able to talk to her about it. I am actually glad that she knows.
Noah I think you’ve got that just right, would you agree though that talking about bisexuality and what it means is just as important as coming out? And that the dialogue mustn’t end at the simple admission that you are bi?
And Queerunity, I think you also make a good point, hence their reluctance to talk about their bisexuality.
bitheway
i do agree. That is extremely important, not only for the other person to hear it (although it is very important) but to hear it come out of your mouth. sometimes it is a help to hear yourself actually say what you are. it can give you a renewed sense of self, shed a new light on how you percieve yourself just from verbalizing it. also they need to know what bisexuality really is.
I also agree on the second part. just admiting you are bi can create questions in the significan other’s mind. you need to allow them to ask the questions, rather ask them to ask questions. explaining to them how you know you are bi is a great stepping point after the admission. They need to be reassured that nothing changes in the relationship.
I’m a bisexual and have only told a couple of girlfriends. Most get really turned off. The ones that don’t are girls I swing with and have a very strong sex drive. For everyone else it’s “I’M 100% STRAIGHT”.
—-it’s a very hard life___pete
I dont know where I am. I love my wife implicitly, but… I had one or two experimental encounters when I was in my teens, twenties & early thirties that I think about on a regular basis. With the ease of access on the internet I have come across both straight, bi and gay dating and adult communities and I seem more confused than ever. I daren’t explain my feelings to my wife (or friends) for fear of losing my realtionship with not only my wife, but my own family as well. It has started to affect my self confidence and my abilty to deliver a good standard of work proffessionally.
Every time I think I have dealt with my “fantasy” of getting it on with a guy, something triggers the feelings off again. I dont know whether it is because I just want to indulge in the physical act or whether I need a more involving relationship with another man. I do know that I will not consider having any kind of affair which at least stops me from making any commitment to meating anyone else. I couldn’t betray my wife like that as we have both been cheated on in the past. But do I make a decision to walk away from a relatively stable marriage.. ?
Hi Andy
No-one in their right mind would tell you to walk away from a loving relationship with your wife or doing anything to compromise that.
You need to figure out for yourself just how far your bisexual feelings need to be explored. (And make no mistake you are bisexual.) You might decide your fantasies are sufficient, or that you need to explore them physically as a casual affair or a committed relationship, but that’s a question only you can answer for yourself.
This article might help you answer that question (though equally it may not) http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2008/05/28/13-types-of-bisexual/
Andy, to continue what bitheway said, I know exactly how you feel. It can be very confusing, especially because society really doesn’t talk about it much, and when they do, it’s never informative or supportive. So take your time, explore your feelings, and be proud of yourself no matter what you find.
Bitheway, Kid A,
Thanks guys. Much appreciated. I feel that I am in a state of turmoil, but knowing that there are others who have been through some similar experiences to me does help.
Cheers,
Andy
My wife and I are both bi but only come out to people we swing with, and not all of them because there are some guys who just don’t get it. We’re quite happy with the situation, only have group sex together and find the possibilities of being able to pleasure and get pleasure from everyone in the group very liberating. Joy of sex indeed!
andy
if you decide you want to explore your fantasies further call me =)
I know this is probably going to be an odd question, but it is something I am having difficulty dealing with. I am currently in a loving marriage to a lovely, and beautiful woman. She knows that I have bisexual feelings(we have great sexual conversations about it), but my problem is that I can’t seem to get over my fear of crossing that line about finding and being with another man. She has given me the green light if I choose to do this, either with her or not(she is awesome). I have been with two differents guys casually in the past, both were extremely unfullfilling, I have never enjoyed one night stands with either sex. Even though they were not good encounters I still fantisize, and want to be with another man. This has put a strain on my sexual relationship with my wife. Any advice on this would be appreciated.
dman,
i would try a threesome with your wife. If she is completely cool with it, it may be a much more fulfilling bisexual encounter for you. It could help your fantisies. Who knows, maybe your wife will even enjoy being involved. Bring it up to her that you may actually want to do that.
Bi guys, I love bi guys, some girls do. I always wanted to marry one, and I did, although I found out by accident he was bi, and then I wanted to marry him. I’m bi too, and I think I was upset with him at first but only because he kept it from me. I love my partner, and now even more cause he’s bi, I’m bi, and we have more in common. Loving other humans, I don’t find anything wrong with that, I do however have reservations against pedophaelia, bestiality, and necrophelia.
Gia
You have “reservations?” – I’d hope you’d have outright objections! But why even mention paedophilia, bestiality and necrophilia in the same breath as discussing bisexuality?
They are so unrelated and alien to one another that this is a distinction that really shouldn’t need to be drawn.
dave
you hope she would have outright objections?
pedophaelia i agree
bestiality, raping animals i object to but if they do it of there own free will i think its okay
necrophelia if you found angelina jolie dead in the middle of nowhere would you reconsider?
Lol – bizarre side-tract discussion. But OK…
On bestiality: Animals… how do they express their own free will? Presumably by not fighting back… right? Given the number of rape victims who felt powerless to stop their attackers and didn’t put up a physical defence, I’d judge this to be a poor measure of free will.
“No” means “no”, but “Bahh!” could mean anything.
Necrophilia: Having seen more than my fair share of corpses, I can tell you, its not a pretty sight. Faced with a dead body, sex could not be further from your mind. The notion is actually pretty sickening. And frankly I find the idea morally repugnant because abusing someone’s body in that way shows a lack of respect for the deceased.
So to answer your question, no I would not reconsider.
why a sheep? a wooly encounter perhaps?
and by free will i mean a submissive bound to a post and the animal does what it likes and the sub has to go along with it, using a safeword of course
yeah i could understand if it was your girlfriend or someone you knew, as for respect for the dead since its not living its like carving a dead plant, apart from that i think i wouldn’t mind my body being used in that way.
Ben
All I can say is that you must have watched some really weird animal porn. (No please, don’t post a link).
maybe, and i didn’t even think of posting a link till you said that
no i found it on my journey to find all my kinks
The distraught women emailing you have lucky boyfriends. A woman researching her partner’s bisexuality is a woman who earnestly seeks to understand her mate. With such women around, why would a bi man remain in the closet? Because the reality of coming out to a woman one loves is all-too-complicated.
I’ve been married 15 years, and I’ve come out to her twice: once when we were dating, and once several years ago. Instead of bringing us closer, coming out created suspicion and conflict. For her, my masculinity (i.e. what attracts her) hinges on a veneer of heterosexuality, and so she doesn’t want to know if I like men. To her, sharing such a secret can only mean:
1) I’m not attracted to her. (I am.)
2) I want sex with men outside our marriage. (I don’t.)
3) I’ve already had extramarital sex. (I haven’t.)
Conversations on the topic cause pain for us both; my liking men threatens her security in our marriage, and her hostile, “that’s disgusting” tone can turn my confidence into shame. In the end, coming out costs too much when, for me, liking men no more threatens our marriage than liking some cute female celebrity. Thus I let the subject drop, and we go back to the things that drew us together in the first place. Life becomes good again, if privately bisexual.
As much as I support coming out, I don’t think that bisexual men will always benefit from coming out to their wives and girlfriends. You and your partner’s personalities, the history you have together, and similar factors should weigh in the decision about how much to disclose. I know I come to this topic a month after you posted it, but I felt I had to respond.
Why do think many of us men love going on fishing trips or hunting trips with the guys alone?
Because the only woman who enjoys hunting and fishing is Sarah Palin?
Hearing about people who react negatively to their partners’ bisexuality enforces my belief that it is best to be as open about your sexuality as you can, well before you get into a relationship situation with someone. Yes, there is the risk that you may find it harder to form relationships because certain people are put off by your bisexuality in the first instance. But, as profoundly depressing as that is, I don’t think I could ever enjoy a relationship where I couldn’t be honest with a partner about something that contributes to who I am.
I understand, Maxine. If I were single again, I’d probably come out before the first date – but that’s now. Some bi people don’t understand their feelings until they’re old enough to be in the midst of a serious relationship. Some men and women wait until their partner knows them well enough to see them sympathetically rather than through a phobic lens. You’re right that it’s best to come out as soon as possible. Unfortunately, it’s not always that simple.
i agree with you
heres a question, where does bi/hopmophobia come from, since people are supposedly born bi, in caveman times it wouldn’t of existed, did religion cause it?
Hi BTW,
Just wanted to say I love your blog
I’m a bi bloke from the Midlands and I’ve only recently began to accept my sexuality. It’s helped a lot reading your stuff to come to terms with it all and to know that there are other people out there like me
I’ve come out to a couple of close friends and my ex, and so far so good, not had any traumatic experiences so far and they’ve all been very accepting, but it’s still early days.
*crosses fingers*
Keep up the good work!
Cheers mate
I have a boyfriend who I have just discovered has been having sex with men. I told him I dont feel any differently about him and he can continue to have sex with men,as long as he tells me about it. It is the deception that hurts. He keeps denying he is bisexual (he feels emasculated), although I tell him it doesn’t bother me. He also is denying that he is still doing it, although I am fairly sure he is. I dont know whether to stay or go. Not because he is bisexual and has sex with men, but because I dont know whether he will honour the trust I am putting in him, to tell me. I just want to know when he does it. Thats all. Men, please understand, it’s the deception that kills. It is breaking my heart, because I love him and dont want the relationship to end. I dont know what to do, or where to turn, as no-one understands why I would want to stay with someone who a) is bisexually active and b) has deceived me.
Neither of those things changes how I feel about him. Hence, my total confusion about what to do.
I think he is denying to HIMSELF that he is bisexual. He gets angry when I try to talk to him about it.
I knew when I met my man that he had just been seeing a nice young man but we fell in love and his bisexuality didn’t get in the way of our attraction for each other. 14 years later we are married, have a very strong relationship and great sex when we’re not too tired. The few times in our relationship when I have felt broken hearted have been when he had been keeping things from me and I felt much more threatened because of the secrecy – i always knew it really and I actually completely accept it but we would just brush it under the carpet for periods and then it became harder to get our heads around it again. What I’m saying is, that yes, honesty is the key to happiness in a relationship, as is trust, and to be really happy together people need to be open so they can feel completely accepted and thats not just a one-off conversation, you have to keep it as an open topic without making it the be all and end all. I will now stop waffling!
kate, who loves her bisexual husband
Kate, are you saying that your husband tells you when he is bisexually active? Because if so, that is the kind of relationship I would like with my partner. I keep offering him unconditional love in the hope that he will feel safe enough to come out and tell me.
Kate, If he does tell you..can I ask how it works: does he say he’s going out to meet a man? does he just disappear for awhile and tell you when he gets home?
I think I am like you, I can not cope with not knowing. But I want to know when, exactly when. Not the details, just when. I feel like Im drowning with anxiety and it feels so needless, when all he has to do is tell me!
Does anyone know of a support group/chat room for women like Kate and me?
Very glad that I found this website. I blog about my same sex attraction as a single dad and often feel like no one really understands the worlds I straddle. When I was married, my wife and I couldn’t talk about my same sex attraction because it was something she felt very threatened by. Although she wanted me to be honest with her about when I was having same sex feelings, she would withdraw & feel insecure knowing it was just a matter of time before I acted on them. I stopped telling her and continued engaging in compulsive, anonymous sex in restrooms & parks. She had a zero tolerance policy about my acting out my same sex attractions so after sharing 3 with her (and having her leave/break up with me each time), I decided to keep them from her. Eventually, our marriage dissolved due to my infidelity & deceit. I always wonder if we could have made it work if we addressed my same sex attraction differently, i.e. if I’d had permission to engage it (with appropriate parameters). now that we’re separated, my relationships are exclusively homosexual because I can’t find a woman who will allow me to indulge my same sex attraction when I’m with her. But I really miss being with a woman sometimes.
I am very much a private bisexual.
Since the age of 14 I have watched gay porn once or twice a week, but I’ve always lived a strictly heterosexual life as I’ve never had any crushes on guys or romantic attraction to them, nor have I ever been around a male friend and wanted to do anything sexual with him
However, I am a sufferer of OCD and eventually had a complete freak out about my sexuality. It got so bad that I spent every moment of every day for an entire year trying to figure out who or what I was. Cost me my social life, my job, and a lot of friends
Now I am 100% certain I am a ‘hetero-leaning bisexual’ but as I have no desire to deviate in lifestyle and no desire to seek out men, it’s hard to tell people. Is there any point in me telling people I’m Bi when there’s very little chance of me ever even being with a guy?
Meeting a guy is easier than you think, joining sites like http://www.manhunt.com can make it easy. They can also allow you to meet men without compromising your privacy.
But as to whether you should tell anyone, that’s really down to a) whether they need to know and b) whether you need to tell.
You may want to read Tiresias’ Post on Why Telling Matters
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2009/03/09/goodbye-mister-bond-why-telling-matters/
Ok this is my question and its a bit strange, I know that I have bi fantasies but when it comes down to it I simply would not want to try anything with a guy as I know I’m more into girls, the strange thing is I get a thrill from telling girls im bi and how much I like guys, but can only do this over the phone and while I’m getting off, now I’m unsure if I’m simply a sex addict looking for a thrill or I’m genuinely into guys, any advice on this?
Hi Brian
Question: Do you fantasise about men other than when you are having a phone sex with a girl?
If so you fall into my definition of bisexual. But if you are unsure if you are Bi, the easiest way to find out is to actually be with a man.
So why rule it out?
Being “more into girls” is not a good reason. Every bisexual man is into women to a greater or lesser extent. My own attractions have always been around 90% hetero and 10% homo. It still makes me bisexual.
At least by trying it, you would know whether or not you are genuinely bisexual or just get off on telling girls you are.
Im reading this is floods of tears, I sneakily found out my boyfriend of 6 months is bi , not from him but from old emails from may last year, arranging to meet and talking about previous sex meets with men while he was seeing his ex gf.
Im now really freaked out. I dont care if he has had sex with men, but with all this talk of being allowed to go at it out if you feel like it and non monogomous relationships has shocked me, i dont want to share him he is supposed to love me and want sex with me and go off with anyone else and expect me to be greatful to have him come bak to me after he has his monthly fix, if
s that what you are telliing me to expect, its not what i signed up for. i thought things would be ok but after reading those replies i dont know, i feel like a fool
I am also in floods of tears. I have just read emails that my husband of over 10 years has written to another man, arranging sex. He claims he has never done anything but I am so confused.
Can it really be that he would want to be married yet still want to be with a man? This is completely outside my understanding, I apologise for sounding so niave.
Can anyone give any advise of where to go to for help, at the moment I’m just finding it at the bottom of a bottle.
If you go to my website you will find my book, COMING CLEAN ABOUT BISEXUALITY. I have been happily married for 51 years but told my wife before we married that my dominant drive was homosexual. We thought that if sex worked out in the marriage, the hetero would take over but that was not the case – fortunately. We both had to adjust to this discovery but … well, read on in the book.
One other thing, bisexuality if not a problem. It’s a very big plus with huge social implications.
Sorry, there was a typo in my submission [01 Jun 09] which I failed to spot. In the next to last sentence, I should have said:
“…. bisexuality IS [not IF] a problem.”
I am a married man ,and i came out to my wife about a year ago.
She has been very supportive , its the best thing i have ever done, prior to telling her i was never comfortable with being Bi, but now i am totally at ease, confident and happy.
she is my best friend and i love her to bits.
I would strongly recommend anyone to tell their wife, or husband if they genuinely love you it will not be a problem, it will actually make you closer as a couple.
After 15 years together and 14 married I have just now divulged my bisexuality to my wife. She is not mad at me. She is hurt that I didn’t share this with her 15 years ago. Would it have made a difference? Who knows? I explained to her who, what ,when, where, and why…I left nothing out. She was floored. She feels cheated on and I guess she was…My male friend has been my best friend for over 30 years and my lover for 20 plus. We are not in love we are best friends. We have sex with each other without passion..We don’t kiss or hold hands..We don’t snuggle or caress. We suck and we F–k..Simple as that..I do not know what lies ahead for my marriage. This is a biggie..With my wife I get the affection and tenderness that is hopefully typical in a relationship. With my friend I get to explore a side of me that enjoys whatever it is that turns me on about men. I didn’t ask for this. I discovered a side of myself that I kept in the dark quite happily until this very evening..My wife and I were having a very intimate discussion and she asked me if I ever considered being with a man all the way…We are swingers and she has seen me explore a little with my best friend. When we were all three playing..Nearly two years ago..She feels I manipulated her into swinging so I could have them both at the same time..She may be right…I had no clue how to broach the subject with her..The only thing I could think to do was to include her in my play and see where it took us.. She was not grossed out by it..But she does feel that I kinda fooled her…Frankly…I didn’t know how else to have done this….I am not pleased with myself for taking this tactic for outing myself to her…I am now going to have to wait for her to digest this and see how she feels about it..WHAT NOW…….
Thank you so much. My partner is downstairs, I have just discovered that the websites he has been on when he claimed someone had stolen his identity had pictures of him on.
I actually went on them to unsubscribe for him, as I thought he was too upset to deal with it.
My reaction wasn’t as shocked as I would have anticipated, more sorrow that he couldn’t tell me.
I want to talk to him, to tell him I will always love him, but I am scared, scared of the strength of his reaction, scared of his anger, scared he will walk out and leave me. He says I am the love of his life and I believe him, more so than I’ve evr believed anyone but I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. We are planning a future together-do I keep the secret too? What’s best for him? Thanks
Hi Joanie
Sorry your partner has not been able to open up to you. Remember that coming out, even to a loved one can be hard.
He may be feeling embarrassed or ashamed, though being bi is nothing to be ashamed of.
It sounds like you are OK with his sexuality as your message sounds more concerned for your partner and his feelings than your own. In which case I’d keep his secret and try to create an environment where he can feel secure. Hopefully one day he’ll feel able to talk to you about it.
This might sound cheesy, but…
A good place to start might be to rent & watch Brokeback Mountain together. Be sure to cry in all the right places, but resist the urge to ask any probing questions of him afterwards.
Thank you. I’ve been very upfront about telling him how much I love him every day. I’ve told him that I get scared sometimes that I won’t be enough for him; he replied that I was all he wanted; he was going nowhere. I told him he could tell me anything; he said he would never lie to me. I sensed he had an inkling of what I was talking about but I didn’t push it.
Instead I have concentrated, as you advised in making him feel secure, also encouraging him to talk about sexual fantasies and sharing mine.
I have no problems at all about his sexuality; if he is bi then that is him, and I love him.
Watching the film is a good idea. I have a feeling this will be a long slow process. He is from a very working class, manual worker male environment and I can understand why he would be terrified at the thought of this coming out.
All I can do, I suppose is build up that trust so he knows I am there for him.
Many thanks for your advice. That was my instinct, but as I cannot talk to anyone about this as it is not my story to share, I felt really alone.
Kindest Regards,
Joanie
It’s been my experience that before a man comes out to his g/f or wife as bi, he first needs to know how she feels about the issue. The way I’ve always done this in the past is to discuss an “article” that I may have come across about how women are into bisexual men or in some other similar way.
Many times I’ve found that if they don’t think you’re talking about yourself, they’re more apt to give their true feelings.
It also makes a big difference on how she’ll take the news depending on her personality. If she is straight, she is less apt to accept your lifestyle for several reasons. One reason is, she’s likely not to be able to relate, as the case was with my ex-wife. When I was married I had not yet discovered that I liked sex with men but we would have discussions about other bisexual men and women that we knew and she would make it clear that she couldn’t understand it because she was in no way interested in being bisexual.
If she is bi, she is more apt to understand and accept your lifestyle, but then you have to consider if she has a selfish personality or not. If she’s the type of bisexual female who is bisexual mainly for the attention aspect, it’s likely she’ll be upset because it’s not just about her anymore.
If she is a jealous person, bi or straight, she’s going to see your interest in other men as cheating no matter what.
I dated one bisexual woman who was fine with my being bisexual, she just couldn’t handle the thoughts of me having sex with anyone else, male or female, other than her. We were swingers but it had to be all about her.
It’s been my experience that the type of woman who most readily accepts her man’s bisexuality is a woman with a dominant personality. If you are submissive to her then she feels in control and doesn’t feel threatened by your lifestyle. And by submissive, I don’t necessarily mean in a sexual way; I mean submissive in your relationship. In other words, if she’s the boss.
I know my experiences are not the experiences of everyone, but I observe these things in the relationships my friends who are both openly bi as well as those who are in a relationship with a closet bi male.
Just a note to my last post:
I mentioned my ex-wife. She was actually British (I’m American). She was quite uptight in the area of sexual exploration. She had the opinion that she didn’t need anything other than what she had. She was very judgmental of homosexual and bisexual people.
I’ve often wondered if she’s changed her views by now. Haven’t seen or heard from her in years.
what about most people knowing you as gay, but you might actually bi but you’re not sure. like ppl know ive liked guys and kissed them, but i would really like kissing a girl just to try it, because i feel i may not be 100% gay
Hi…I just found out 5 days ago that the man I have been dating for a year, and crushing on for 15 years, is bi sexual. Noone else knows this but me…but I found out through emails and he has been posting blogs on a local message board to meet men for sex. He completely denied everything at first, but eventually I was able to get him to tell me the truth..at least most of it. He says he is not gay, that he is much more attracted to women. Is this possible. He says that he could never feel any romantic feelings towards a man..and that he wants to have a normal relationship with a woman, but that he still has sexual urges towards men. I am crushed and dont know what to do at this point. Can anyone give me some advice. I love him, but I cant trust him, and I definitely dont want to catch something from his random hook ups. Can he ever REALLY commit to me…is it even possible for him to be in love with me? Thank you so much for any advice you can give me.
Hi Sabrina
Sorry to hear you found out like this. Its a really tough thing to discover, but remember its also a tough thing to share. Many men are ashamed of their bisexuality or at least fear being ridiculed or judged for being “gay”.
Most bisexual men will insist they are not Gay, and this is true, we aren’t gay we are Bi, but we tend to emphasise this to not to highlight and independent identity, but because we fear the “gay” label.
To answer your questions:
Q. Can he ever really commit to you?
A. Yes, your boyfriend is almost certainly telling you the truth when he says he could not have any romantic feelings towards a man, (this is a fairly common trait of bisexual men). He will only ever love you, even if he shags a few blokes on the side. That might not be your idea of love and commitment, but *he* will be emotionally committed to you and you alone.
Q. Is it even possible for him to be in love with you?
A. Yes absolutely! See above, but also consider that sex and love making are two different things. You have sex for fun and you make love because you share a deep intimate bond with someone. He might have sex with men, but he makes love to you.
Advice:
You won’t change him, if he has urges to have sex with men then to make him deny it is going to be counter-productive, he’ll just lie and hide it from you. You need to decide whether or not you can handle an unorthodox relationship where you allow your boyfriend to go out and occasionally meet men for sex.
If you can accept such a relationship, then feel free to set ground rules like he doesn’t bring his “boyfriends” home, that he always uses protection and that he tells you (or doesn’t tell you) when he’s going to meet them.
If you can’t accept such a relationship, then generally its best to part company now before anyone gets even more hurt.
Hope that helps
David
Thank you so much for your reply David. I completely agree with everything you said. He says he doesn’t *want* to engage in sex with men because he always feels awkward and dirty afterwards, but I am thinking this is more because of the means in which he is meeting them…I’m not quite sure. He tells me he will never do it again because he doesn’t want too, but I think that is more because he doesn’t want to put me through anymore pain..whether he admits that or not. I know that inspite of all he is saying, eventually his urges will probably get the best of him. I think the best thing for me to do would be to not hold on to the hopes that he is really going to battle is urges and only be with me, and figure out whether or not I can handle being in an open relationship with him. I think for me, it is more about him wanting to sleep with someone else period…whether it be a man or a woman. I dont like the idea of him being intimate with anybody else regardless of their sex. I made him promise me that if he does decide that he wants to pursue sex with another man, that he will be protected, and that he will tell me before he does it, or atleast right after, so I can see how it affects me emotionally now that I know about him already. I love him so deeply, and it will hurt tremendously if we have to part ways, but if that is the case, in the end we will both be better off not having to put eachother through anything hurtful. I, myself, am having a personal problem. We have made love 6 times since I found out about this, and everytime, all I can think of the whole time is him having sex with another man, and that this must be the way he is with him. Is this normal, and has anyone found a way to cope with these obsessive thoughts? Thank you again and Im sorry this is such a long post. Just alot on my mind tonight.
For what its worth. And it probably isn’t worth much, because its based only on my own experiences. Bi-guys like your boyfriend tend to have very different kinds of sexual encounters with men than they do with women.
For a start the location and setting tends not to be in the comfort of a bedroom. The sex itself generally centres around getting each other off as quickly as possible, and there is no affection, kissing or cuddling involved.
So next time you are making love with him, you can be pretty confident that this is NOT how he is when he is with a man.
David
These stories have so much in common with my own. Whether your partner told you himself or if you discovered the truth by hacking into his personal email account (as I did), whether you had been married for twenty years or dating for two (as I was), whether you reject bisexuality entirely or you embrace it wholeheartedly (as I had being openly bisexual myself), what’s the difference…really? I mean… when you’ve been struck by lightening, sucker-punched by a blow to the gut, bombarded by every emotion possible, and everything gets turned upside down, the damage is done. And believe me… I had not one ounce of compassion nor did I give a crap that coming out was traumatic for him. I wanted to inflict as much pain and devastation as I possibly could and there was nothing he could say or do to stop me.
But there was something and it is a big something that I haven’t seen mention of in any of the posts. While there are certainly some men who are physically attracted to and who have romantic feelings for both men and women. It seems that bisexuality is as much a part of who they are as height or eye color. That was not the case for my boyfriend. He did not feel physically attracted to men. He never watched gay porn nor did he ever fantasize about having sex with men. Because I read all of his e-mails, I noticed that he never hooked up with the same person twice. The correspondence was always brief and impersonal. He said that there was little or no conversation during any of the encounters he had. That only confused me more.
And then he revealed the secret that he had been hiding since he was ten years old. He had been molested by a priest repeatedly for about a year. The experience was both terrifying and thrilling at the same time. He did not consider himself a victim because he participated willingly. He felt enormous shame and guilt that the encounters were actually extremely pleasurable for him. And so, for years and years, he remained silent and never sought help. As a result, he began acting out later in life trying re-enact the trauma but with a different ending. He wasn’t doing it to hurt me. Suddenly, I no longer saw him as a lying, cheating bastard. He was a poor little boy who was a victim of the most sinister crime a person could commit. We are working through it together.
Please consider the possibility that there may be more to the story. Sexual abuse is more common than you might think….roughly 1 in 5 boys are abused studies show.
I do not have issues about people being themselves, be it hetersexuals, homosexuals. asexuals or bisexuals. But when your husband of 30 yrs hides that fact from you until he has a nervous breakdown about it, I am totally hurt and pissed off! He told me he is bisexual and is only capable of loving a man and lied to me everyday of our 30 yrs because he never loved me. I did everything for this man. Was our marriage perfect, no. But we had a good relationship so I thought. I can never forgive him for taking my life from me and not letting me go long ago. Five years ago I comtemplated leaving because I knew their was not genuine love. From the outside everyone thought he was a doting husband, but something was always missing. I asked him if I would have left then would he have made a scene, he said yes he would have, he was not ready for me to go. I have concluded that all I was in his life was his mother, housekeeper, secretary and a person he had sex with just because.
Hi, I am in love with a bisexual man. He told me before we got past the flirting stage. It doesn’t really factor much into our relationship except trying to find ways to satisfy his need to have a cock at times. We purchased a feeldoe and it did wonders for us. I have no problem acting the man when he needs to act the woman. My problem is in my own head, I am not sure I could act the man with him acting the man.
We have commited to a monogamous relationship made even more difficult by the time spans when we can physically be together. I trust him not to cheat on me and he trusts me not to cheat on him, yet he gave me permission to cheat so if I did it wouldn’t hurt him. Those kind of mixed signals make me wonder if he is truly ready for the relationship he says he is commited to.
inaspin
I was in a similar situation. I am a closeted bisexual man. And, I have been married for 16 years. My attraction to males started at an early age. So, when I was molested for 5 years, it sort of came natural to me. I didnt see anything wrong with it because my interest was there before the molestation.
My wife does know I was molested. However, she does not know I still have feelings for guys. The truth is I have fallen in love with another guy. But, I will not leave her because I made a committment to her. I have a feeling once I tell her, she is going to go balistic on me.
I need to find the courage to tell her. I need to find the words to tell her.
The signs are there. I havent had sex with my wife in 11 years. But, I have not been with a guy either. The sex is not important to me. It is the companionship I crave.
I struggled for years and couldnt decide if I was gay, straight, or bi. Depending on who I was talking to, I was either straight or gay. But, I have recently come to the realization that I am a bisexual. I was raised in a Christian home and still feel the guilt because I didnt feel God approved of this lifestyle. Recently, I have been asking myself why was I made this way by God? The molestastion didnt have anything to do with it. I had the feelings before that even started. I have went to counceling and even prayed for God to take these feelings away from me. Yet, they still remain.
Right now, I am so tore up inside. I found it easy until I fell in love with this awesome guy. And, it isnt based on sex since we have never had sex. It is purely on him as a person. I am so confused. I know I am bisexual (With a leaning more toward the gay end). But, I just don’t know how to handle it.
Can anyone give advise that has went through this? I have a wife who has a temper and is very volatile. I dont see a calm way to get around this. The best option is to not tell her. However, I am not being true to me or her if I dont. I just dont know how and to keep her calm
TM
Relationships are built on a lot more than sex, but it sounds like from what you are saying that you have a decision to make. If you are worried that your wife will go ballistic if you come-out as bisexual. Then you have to assume that she will not tolerate you starting a parallel relationship with a man. Work on the basis that it is either her or him.
Your wife must love you otherwise she would have left you already, lets face it 11 years no-sex – there must be something else holding you together. Do you still love her? I ask because the only reason you gave for not leaving her is that you “made a commitment to her”.
Duty – that’s a pretty piss-poor reason to stay in a relationship. If you love her stay, if you are unhappy or indifferent towards her, leave. Its that simple.
As for the guy you have fallen in love with, how does he feel about you? If he loves you back then it sounds great.
Finally you have nothing to feel guilty about. Religion has been queer bashing for 3,000 years. For my part I’m a non-believer, but if you were to ask me to believe in all-powerful, all-knowing deity. I’m pretty sure that a being with that kind of power would not be concerned with trivial matters like where we stick our dicks. It would be like taking Stephen Hawkins and asking him to apply his intellect to colour coding M&Ms.
There is no evidence god exists full stop, but if you choose to believe god exists as a matter of faith, then you have to look to the fact that there is no evidence that god takes any interest in how we live our lives. Statistically speaking prayers are not answered, those that are answered are happy co-incidences, Amputees for example are never healed, no matter how hard they pray. If God is there, then he doesn’t care.
The people who care are the bible-bashing bigots running around dishing out guilt in his name, usually because they have unresolved sexual angst of their own. Ignore these people, you have a right to be yourself.
I am a 47 year old bisexual married male. This is my third marriage and only my second wife knew of my tendencies because of an unexpected threesome that happened one night with my friend. She said she saw nothing wrong with it and went so far as to tell me she wanted two men in her bed every now and then.
I am now married to the woman of my dreams. She is the most loving, trustworthy person that I could ever hoped to have found. Not long after we married, I told her all about me having bisexual experiences, from start to finish, and she said she would like to see it happen in front of her. That was a HUGE turn-on to me. Since then, we have had numerous little get-togethers with more than one friend, where she participated, directed us, and seemed to enjoy it every time. It seemed to make me enjoy it more than ever as well. It felt good to finally sit down and tell someone all about something that I had kept hidden my whole life. I dont have the desire for this all the time. Just every now and then the desire will hit me. She told me that she did not care if I met with another guy for sex as long as there wasnt another girl involved. But then I met a guy at his house and she didnt like it. She has some jealous tendencies, so I guess I’m not really surprised. I had some doubts when she told me it was ok with her from the beginning. I think she wanted to be part of it. She told me after that to go see him if I wanted because she was sick she knew I was bored that evening, so I went. She called me in a few hours and told me she was going to wait up for me to get home. She was cool when I got there and we went to bed and everything was good. Now, a few months later, she seems to have a problem with me having sex with another guy. I’m thinking to myself, Damn, You made it more fun than ever for me and now your pulling the rug out from under me. My first experience with this was when I was 14 years old, and after all these years I finally was able to come clean with my best friend, my wife, and now all of a sudden she doesnt like the idea any more, after all of the kinky fun that we had together.
So now, should I honor her wishes, or try to convince her to play along and participate every now and then? She sure seemed to enjoy it when we were in the midst of pleasure before. And it was always with safe, clean, good-looking up-scale guys, that she at times helped us to get together with.
I cant help but to wonder if she now feels somehow threatened by it. She did say that it just isnt right to invite other people into our sex life. My way of seeing it is that it is only wrong if we are not both involved and enjoying each other, as well as him, when it does happen. I do like sex with another guy, as long as its the right guy, but it is 10 times more fun when she’s there taking part in it with me.
Isn’t it “just sex”, and a good way to spice up our sex life and enjoy being honest and open with each other? It always made me feel closer to her and want her even more afterwards.
I didnt mention that there has never been anal sex between myself and another guy. Almost anything else I thoroughly enjoy, although she has had both of us any way that she wanted us every time we played together this way. And thats the way I wanted it, and still do. It has to be as fun for her her as it is for me, and I like seeing her and directing her as things move along. She is a VERY sexy and sexual person, and watching her have fun with my friend,with me only watching for a while makes me want to be next very badly.
How should I handle her change of heart about our extra-curicular fun. I want to continue to do this every now and then and always have her enjoy it with, as much as I do.
Any suggestions, or am I crazy???? Are there men out there that change their minds the way women do? haha I like it. I dont like it. Whats that all about? Is there something that I havent thought about that could make it more fun and pleasurable for her? I need my beautiful girl get alittle crazy and let her hair down with me a coupkle times a year, and 100% enjoy it.
@JustMe
I think you guys need to have a chat about what’s changed for her. Find out why was she initially up for it and why she has since gone cold.
Insecurity tends to be a bigger factor than jealousy and they tend to be easily confused.
At risk of a sweeping generalisation. Women seem to like to set their men little “tests”. They give you their blessing to go and do something they really don’t want you to do, just to see if you will do it.
EG: When she is feeling sick and saying she’ll be no fun tonight so go and see your boyfriend.
This is a test to see if you’ll go or stay with her and comfort her when she is feeling unwell.
In these situations, always put her first. It’ll boost her self-esteem.
so I have spent quite some time reading this site and all of your little blurbs and some are comforting, some scare the shit out of me. . . I am in my late twenties and have been married to my wife for three years now and have been in love with her for an additional 3 years prior. i still love her immensely, i doubt i would every be happy being with another person but her. she knows i was taken advantage of as a young boy and had a sexual relationship with an adult man till i was 14. i then had both girlfriends and boyfriends over the years and she knows about all of them. my current struggle is i though i had grown out of being bisexual. i loved being with my wife and my wife alone. recently (the past year or so) i have found myself craving the intimacy of another man. i have done some serious soul searching and have come to the conclusion i am and always have been bisexual. my fear is if i tell my wife she will freak and leave me and accuse me of cheating on her. followed by both of our families becoming involved and i have no plans to tell them, mostly not my bible thumping parents who would want to excommunicate me or perform and exorcism on me. i want to stay with my wife, and i want to have a family with her. i do however feal the need to be honest with myself and her and admit both to myself and her who i am. sexually i think i can be satisfied with heterosexual sex and the occasional private toy party with my self or with her. not sure how to tell her and keep my marriage.
any suggestions?
Hi Jay
I generally encourage openness, because a) its liberating and b) its honest.
However, I can probably make an exception for those from deeply conservative religious backgrounds. If coming out is going to alienate you from your family, then you need to have the supports of friends or your spouse to fall back on. If you can’t bank on that then coming out could destroy your world and your social support network.
Still, it remains a social crime that other people’s intolerance force you to hide who you really are.
I personally took the risk of alienating my family rather than tolerating their bigotry and it worked out OK (though I live in liberal secular Europe and not in Bible Belt USA.)
That kinda deals with your parents. As for your wife. Well here’s my advice. If you want to have sex with guys, then if you try and do it behind her back you are not respecting her and some day you are probably going to be found out and it will destroy your relationship.
So if you intend to see other people. Be honest. Yes she might still leave you but that’s the price you pay. At least you haven’t deceived anyone.
If you decide you are happy with just having sex with her and the occasional toy party, then you might think its not worth risking what you have over being open about something that is effectively an irrelevance.
Here’s my dilemma: I am married and bisexual. I tried to tell my wife years ago before we were married, and she started to get angry. I dropped it and told her I was just kidding. We joke that I’m half-gay sometimes, but that really “hurts on the inside.” My wife and I are a great pair, and have “normal” relations. I’m starting to feel guilty about my “fantasy” life… I think about men and other women a lot. I’ve never had the chance to explore male/male relationships, and now that I’m married and have kids, that seems like an impossibility. What to do?
Hi Mike
I don’t think there is an easy answer here. Without understanding what the nature of your girlfriends objection to being married to a bisexual is its difficult to offer any advice on how to talk to her about it.
But being able to express your feelings to your wife is one thing, the other question is what do you want to do about your bisexual feelings?
Do you want to explore male/male relationships? (And by ‘relationship’ do you mean ‘relationship’ or just sex?) Or are just wanting to feel less guilty about your fantasies by being able to talk about them more openly?
Obviously whatever your desired outcome, these could have costs for your marriage and your kids. Remember that in many relationships there is such a thing as “thought crime”.
Ultimately, I think that I’m wondering if I can have my cake and eat it, too. The answer is always, invariably, no.
I DO NOT want to harm my wife and kids, but I guess I’m just bothered by the thoughts I’m having. I’ve been repressing them for so long, I’m just afraid of what will happen.
As far as relationships go, I’m just looking for someone to understand. Thanks for letting me just “say” the b-word.
Hi Mike
You’re right having your cake and eating it is usually an impossibility, but so is repressing your feelings and denying who you are.
There’s no easy answers.
My experience is that women primarily fear abandonment, they think that if you say you are bisexual it means that you are half way (or one good male-on-male shag away) to deciding you are gay. Once you declare yourself to be gay you are going to leave them.
Diffusing that fear is central to coming out to your wife. You need to have an excellent relationship which is communicative and trusting to the point where she can catch with your pants around your ankles in front of another woman and your “my belt just broke” excuse is accepted without so much as a raised eyebrow.
OK – I exaggerate a little but you get my drift. This is not a topic to broach if you have any unresolved trust issues, or if either of you are suffering from low self-esteem, stress or a general lack of confidence. You have to be totally in tune with each other, almost to the point that your revelation comes as no surprise and that it comes out in a way that doesn’t threaten your relationship.
If you want to test the water, hypotheticals involving 3rd parties are a good place to start. For example ask an open ended question like “What do you think of Swingers?” This is a good way of identifying your wife’s feeling about consensual extra-marital relations. Obviously you can’t just ask this question out of the blue, its either got to come up in conversation, on TV or some other media.
If you are smart you can come up with all kinds of ways to ask probing questions without leaving the hypothetical. I make a point of asking all sorts of these questions just for the fun of it. Even when they don’t relate to my relationships in any way. It then becomes like a game so I can ask really important questions with impunity.
I don’t know if that helps any, but hopefully it makes sense.
David