Sep 04 2008
The Ethical Bisexual
There’s a prevalent view that bisexuals are nothing but liars and cheats, incapable of being in a faithful and committed relationship and that we are destined to sleep around and hurt anyone who gets close to us.
My frustration at this stereotype is well known, and I’ve already explained at length that there are many bisexuals like myself who, once in a relationship are exclusively monogamous. However, there are many bisexuals who are polyamorous, and whilst I’ll accept that this exacerbates the stereotype, does that make them liars and cheats?
Is it possible to be polyamorous and still be an ethical bisexual?
Well yes, I think it is. Lets be clear, there is nothing wrong with being polyamorous and having multiple, concurrent sexual partners provided certain conditions are met. Monogamy is after all, a trait not easily or naturally acquired by most men. Yet in our self-invented “rules of society”, monogamy is expected and being polyamorous is frowned upon. So what are the conditions for ethical polyamorous relations?
Quite simply they are honesty and acquiescence. Provided a person is honest about their desire to have multiple concurrent sexual partners and those partners agree to let the person pursue those desires, then polygamous relationships can work and be very fulfilling. In fact a lot of people in poly-relationships have reported a greater feeling of trust and kinship for having been open and honest with one another about their desires.
Still, this tends to work best when both partners agree to explore their polyamorous side together. And things tend to fall apart when one partner agrees to allow the other to be polyamorous without first really considering how they would feel about someone else sleeping with ther person they love.
In short, the honesty that’s requires to survive a successful, long-term polyamorous relationship is two-way. The poly-partner must be open and honest about their desires, and the other partner must be honest about their ability to deal with having a poly-partner. There is no sense in pretending you are OK with your partner seeing other people if you are not genuinely cool with it. The relationship will just end in recrimination and resentment.
Fundamentally the ethical bisexual is open and honest, which in itself should make him or her instinguishable from any good boyfriend or girlfriend.
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3 Responses to “The Ethical Bisexual”
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Even as a married bisexual male, I come across this stereotype almost every time my sexuality is brought up. My wife wound up having a deep discussion with her boss (whom is homosexual) about my bisexuality (and Associative Agnosia, at that.) Her boss asked the question, “So you’re okay with him sleeping with men?” My wife deftly replied, “No. See, he doesn’t sleep with other women, because it’s cheating. There’s no difference in the circumstances.” Apparently, it just didn’t click that I can be monogamous and bisexual at the same time.
I agree with you – it’s perfectly ethical to be in an honest, polyamourous relationship. I think the extreme importance placed on monogomy by our culture stems from the same inherent heteronormativity we’re trying to get away from as bisexuals. It’s the same fundamental difference, I think, behind bisexuality and homosexuality as with polyamoury.
i am the partner of a bi poly female, i am a lesbian, i am finding it hard to believe that there is any way for a relationship like this to be open and honest, talking about what hurts just leads to arguments so why bother, i just have to accept that she will do what she likes and i have to stay faithful because i am not attracted to men so do not have that excuse for polyamory, i have now put down rules that i just do not want to know anything about what she does and it is working better, i feel less threatened because i just do not know anything, “what the eye don’t see the heart don’t grieve over”