Aug 28 2008
Bisexuality seems rather common
I’ve spoken to a few people recently who upon learning of my bisexuality, fessed up to having had their own bisexual experiences. All of a sudden bisexuality seems rather common. Everyone’s doing it! Excellent!
However, whilst one girl was happy to admit she’d messed around with some of her girlfriends she was reluctant to describe herself as bisexual, as was guy who admitted regularly having a mutual masturbation session with a friend whilst in boarding school. Both had enjoyed their experiences, the girl, in the absence of a boyfriend was perfectly open to having further sessions with her girlfriends, the guy regarded it as something he did in the past and was no-longer interested in.
What surprised me is why, the girl in particular rejected the bisexual label, she was very insistent that she wasn’t a lesbian and told me she could only ever orgasm with a guy, but that same evening, I’d witnessed her kiss one of her girlfriends dead on the lips whilst the other girl had her arms around her neck, so clearly been intimate with women wasn’t alien to her and unlike the guys homosexual encounters wasn’t something in the past.
So why refuse to identify as bisexual?
Is there some kind of residual homophobia at work here? What’s preventing her from seeing these same-sex encounters as anything other than what they are. Anyone who has the capacity to enjoy both heterosexual and homosexual relations is by definition bisexual. Why the reluctance to admit this?
The guy on the other hand as either grown out of his bisexual phrase (which would be rather Freudian,) or more likely he is a circumstantial bisexual, that is to say he only exhibits homosexual tendencies in the absence of women. As he’s 15 years out of boarding school, he’s unlikely to find himself in a single sex environment at any future time in his life so its fair to conclude that he’ll probably not go down that path again. So whilst he seems a good fit for the “circumstantial bisexual” description, its not really meaningful to push it upon him.
Of course its for everyone to pick their own label rather than to be tagged with one by someone else. But I can’t help but feel that a lot of people shy away from the bisexual label because of the baggage that goes with it. The baggage is entirely a product of people’s misconceptions and the only way for people to challenge these prejudices and misconceptions is for bisexual people to speak out. To do that, we need to be confident enough to stand up and be counted, and that means owning the label for ourselves.
Unfortunately, I don’t think everyone is ready or able to do that. Though at least we know there are a lot more bisexual people masquerading as straight people out there. And that warms my heart a little bit.
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10 Responses to “Bisexuality seems rather common”
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The SHIFT key is your friend.
I myself have had a hard time identifying with a label. I never had a same sex attraction until my last two years of undergraduate studies. I’m currently in love with my best friend of now 4 years. I’m still very much attracted to the opposite sex and regard myself to actually only find my BF attractive. I don’t look at other women nor could I see myself in a relationship with, sexual or otherwise.
It’s hard to describe and it’s something I’ve been struggling with for the past 3 years.
I’m in love with a woman. But only attracted to this one woman, not womEN.
So I am bisexual. But….well I don’t know.
But I do enjoy your blog!
I think also a lot of gay-identified bisexuals are also afraid to identify as bi. I inevitably get the same line from gay men: “Well, I think bisexuals I’ve known are just gay and don’t want to come out all the way.” I always counter, how many of your gay friends are bi and are afraid to identify so?
Much of the point of a label is that it’s supposed to be sort of a summary of something about you. And ideally the label bisexual would carry just the meaning that you (and I) would ascribe to it. But if you feel like a certain label will give people “the wrong idea” about you, you aren’t going to readily use it.
Your “circumstantial” guy there has no reason to apply the label to himself, because he doesn’t consider that incident part of his identity and because he risks being considered gay, which would do nothing but make life more complicated.
As for your female friend, she probably sees her relations with women as being lesser or on a different level than those with men. So it’s much easier and psychologically fitting to her to see straight relationships as the core of her identity, than to set up this more complex category that doesn’t have much general recognition anyway. Or she might feel just as strongly about women and be in denial (I wouldn’t know, I don’t know her).
In the end, I don’t think people are very motivated to fit under the bisexual label because of sex itself, because the label is about communication with people you aren’t intimate with, and most people’s sex lives are as private/personal as they want them to be. People can decide which individuals they want to sleep with without truly incorporating that into their public identity. What makes people want to use the bisexual label and have it taken seriously is when they have strong emotional attachments to people of both sexes, and they feel the need for those attachments (or that capability) to be recognized generally. Maybe someone else’s experience is different, but that’s what I’ve noticed.
Sean - that’s a very thoughtful post, I’ve got to say I agree with you 100%. You actually got me asking myself why I want my bisexuality to be recognised and why I care about people’s perceptions. The explanation is a post in itself so I’ll get back to you.
Makai - I get what you are saying about your best friend and about been attracted to men and to *a* woman, not to women.
Personally I work on a very broad (but logically accurate) definition of bisexuality, namely that anyone who is not exclusively straight or exclusively gay is bisexual. So I’d say that makes you bisexual, but that’s just my opinion.
Though you should know that bisexual behaviour and levels of attraction vary widely between one person and the next, you don’t have to conform to the modal stereotype to be bisexual.
well if she identifies as primarily heterosexual and can’t orgasm with a female, than she is prob just bi-curious and thats why she rejects the label.
QueerUnity - When you actually start having regular same-sex sexual relations then I think you go past the bi-curious stage.
If every morning, without fail, I have a banana milkshake, but one morning I decide I’d like to have a strawberry shake instead, because I’ve never had that flavour before. Then that’s being curious. But having a strawberry milkshake every second Tuesday thereafter, means I’ve gone past being curious about it and probably enjoy it… Either that or I’ve ran out of bananas.
[End over the top metaphor]
I think a lot of people are quite simply afraid of the baggage, as you said. It’s one thing to kiss someone of the same gender, but coming out requires a lot more commitment and honesty, and we all know about the awkward conversations. I think a lot of people invent a sort of heterosexuality - or homosexuality, for that matter - wherein they can get away with kissing someone they wouldn’t normally, enjoy it, and still maintain their orientation.
(How that works, I’ll never know.)
Coming out as a different orientation is scary. Personally, I don’t blame people for being afraid to do it. But I don’t believe in heterosexuals who enjoy homosexual encounters - there’s a word for that, ya know.
Interesting note: I have a gay friend who once, after a few too many, tried to kiss me and confessed to actually being bisexual. He called himself a Kinsey 4 or 5. I had to wonder if coming out as bisexual was scarier to him than coming out as homosexual.
hej! I found ur blog here a couple of weeks ago and I really enjoy reading it. As for this post, I have to say, that I am sure, that most bisexuals fear the label, living without it, is just so much more comfortable. Me myself, I havent outed myself as a bisexual, except for two very close friends and I won’t do it until I have a serious relationship with a guy. The reason is, there is just no point of freaking my entire environment out, if maybe I never have to tell them.
Furthermore I believe in Freud’s assumption that everybody is bisexual and societal and personal pressure is keeping one side blocked
I agree with Jamie - it’s far easier to be a straight woman than a bi woman, and there are so many women out there who would prefer to deny a part of themselves than deal with the baggage and the social ramifications, unfortunately.
It’s only in about the last 3 years that I have fully come to terms with my bisexuality. I’m 30. And male. I could not be in a relationship with a man but they really turn me on. It is tough. I have slept with several men and love it. I don’t want the relationship though. Arghhh..LOL