Aug 16 2008
Are all bisexual men closet gay?
A comment by DaviDC on a previous article has really lead to this post. DaviDC quite rightly observed that every bisexual man he knows seems to have settled with a man having dated a women. The implication is that all bisexual men are really closet gay. In this post I’m going to try to explain how the observation is most likely correct and yet the assumption that all bisexual men are really closet gay is wrong.
DaviDC sounds like a Gay man, he didn’t explicitly state this in his comment but it was implied, and let’s face it, this assumption about bisexual men being closet gay originated in the gay community. It doesn’t surprise me that a lot of gay men make this assumption about bisexuals, but hopefully by the end of this post you’ll understand why they are mistaken.
Firstly you have to understand that bisexuals rarely have a 50:50 attraction to both men and women, there tends to be a bias towards one or the other, (see the Kinsey Scale). If you walk in gay circles then you are more likely to meet bisexuals who lean towards homosexuality, whereas if you walk in straight circles you are more likely to never know that the guy next to you is a straight-leaning bisexual because we’d be too scared you’d react badly if we told you. (Besides, we probably don’t fancy you anyway so why bother to mention it?)
Second, contrary to our media portrayal, most bisexuals are looking for a committed relationship and alternating bisexuals (gender agnostics) like myself are totally monogamous once we enter a relationship. This means eventually we tend settle down with a single partner for life.
If you are a gay-leaning alternating bisexual then you are more likely to settle down in a relationship with a man, so to an outsider looking in you look like you’ve finally accepted your homosexuality. Hence the presumption that all bisexual men are closet gay.
As straight leaning bisexuals are less likely to come out, we remain more invisible and don’t figure in people preconceptions as much as our gay-leaning bisexual brothers. In short, whilst this preconception is based on genuine observation, the observations are a natural result of statistical chance rather than an absence of true male bisexuality.
Hope that explains things.
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35 Responses to “Are all bisexual men closet gay?”
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Hi! wooow I really got your point of view. It is veri intersting. I as bisexual, don´t consider myself as a closet gay. I´m totally agree with you man. I´ve read every post of this blog and they are simply amazing. I apologize because of my bad English but I´m Mexican so, it´s a little hard to me express myself in this language (English).
I´ll be waiting for the next post. See you!
Hi Franc
Your English is perfectly passable my friend and I’m glad you enjoyed the blog. I speak pretty good Spanish, but I struggle with spelling when writing too. No shame in that when its your second language, just as long as you convey your meaning, which you do very well.
Can I recommend you subscribe to my RSS feed, that way you’ll know just as soon as a new post is published.
Thanks for your support.
I have always thought there were a lot of gay guys that are secretly bisexual. I have lost count of the number of times drunk gay men have tried to take me home. (I am a voluptuous woman and am unlikely to be mistaken for a male)
I have often encountered the attitude that bisexual men and women are just “experimenting” and should “pick a side”. In light of this prevalent attitude I think a lot of gay leaning bisexual men ignore their attraction to women because it’s easier. (at least in my experience)
Likewise I think a lot of straight-leaning bisexual men ignore their attraction to men, because its easier. I did for a long time and I’ve read comments from a lot of other bi-men who have done the same.
bisexuality is a normal and valid orientation. i do think many gays and lesbians first come out as bisexual because it is easier to say hey i like the same-sex but i’m not completely a freak, i still like the opposite sex too. as they get more comfy they come out fully. that doesn’t negate that many people come out as bi and are actually bi and not closeted gays.
Hi QueerUnity,
I think gay & lesbian people like to think that is true more often than it really is. In my original post, I ignored one other major factor which leads to “bi-first gay-later” declarations and that’s the pressure to pick sides.
Also as a bisexual man, I do feel like a complete freak. And I actually think it would be easier for me to be gay, not vice versa. I’ve never had a face to face meeting with another out bisexual man and yet I have at least half a dozen gay friends. If it wasn’t for the internet, I’d feel completely isolated.
Its a myth that being bisexual is an easy option. Contrary to popular belief its not a way to straddle gay and straight worlds, because in the end you feel like you belong to neither, you are at best a minority within a minority.
Hey David,
Excellent posts and work! I completely agree with the one above and it is put pretty simply in a clear way.
I feel the same and never have met another really comfortably bisexual guy (out or not). Almost as if there were none and you guys were ghosts on the internet.
A
Hey David!
Another great post, I must say. I guess this is one question that has often been ringing around in my head ever since I started to go on a journey to discover my sexuality.
In my personal experience, I think that I am definitely not a closeted gay man. In fact, I think I was a closeted bisexual man for a very long time. I felt that adopting the gay label was much easier because at least, being gay wasn’t confusing to me.
To me, I felt that being gay was actually easier than coming to terms with the fact that you are bisexual. I personally feel that it’s easier to have either “two feet out the door” or “two feet in the door” than have “one foot out and the other foot in the door”. I felt that it was a GREAT myth that being bisexual is easier. In fact, it was harder for me to come to terms with being bisexual as compared to the time when I thought I was really just gay. I feel that as a bisexual, your struggle is more within you as compared to being gay, where the struggle is more for acceptance within the society you live with. It’s harder to struggle with yourself than with a bunch of other people because you can easily brush those bunch of people aside.
But I digress. Anyway, it was only when I felt that I could be attracted to a woman that I suddenly realised that maybe I wasn’t even gay to begin with. I finally realised that I had actively suppressed my attraction to women and to this very day, I’m still trying to NOT suppress myself if I ever felt that I had feelings for a woman or I felt attracted to them in any way.
So, to me, I felt that this question was never a question because I thought of myself as gay at first until I realise later that I really am indeed a bisexual. Sometimes, I do ask myself whether this was a result of me internalising some sort of homophobia. Well, suffice to say that in my future, as long as my partner is someone I can connect with and someone who fits my bill as my significant other, I really don’t care whether she’s a woman or he’s a man. That is me coming to terms with myself.
Sometimes, bisexual men can never win but, oh well.
I totally agree with your point of view. I’ve been trying to find the words to express this idea to people, but have never really been able to find the right words. Thanks a lot!
I guess there are advantages and disadvantages, in some sense at times you have “heterosexual privilege” and other times nobody is accepting you in the straight or gay communities.
I have to agree with Terrie.
When I first started dating my ex wife she used to hang out at gay bars a lot and had a lot of gay friends. She was a fag hag as they call them.
A lot of those guys would get really touchy feely with her and even try to make out with her at times. They often used the excuse “Well I’m gay” as if that was some kind of get out of jail free card to do whatever they wanted. In response it was like “it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, you’re still fondling my girlfriends breasts and trying to make out with her, maybe if you were really gay like you say you are, the idea of touching her would seem icky”.
So I agree with Terrie, a vast majority of these guys who say they are gay act very suspect. In fact I’ve met very few gay guys I would call “real gays” most just seem like closet bi-sexuals who use gay culture as a way of coming out of their shell (many of them seem too flamboyantly happy), getting laid (by anyone) and taking interest in things straight men should be allowed to take interest in anyway (fashion, hair, pink things, ect).
As for why a bisexual guys might end up with a male instead of a female. I have a few theories on that. One is that, usually guys have a tendency to get along with other guys better. They have similar interests, upbringing and can generally understand each other better. I know personally my current girlfriend has gotten all huffy puffy with me a couple of times and exclaimed “why do guys and girls have to be so different, if we are meant to be together then why are the sexes so different”.
But her and I have both noticed that my two gay guy friends have the same problems in their relationship that straight couples have. It’s really got me wondering whether people should really be in relationships/marriages at all.
Another reason I think a bisexual guy might end up with another guy has to do with meeting them. Single attractive women (at least in my area) are hard to find and when you do there are usually 4 other guys hitting on them at the same time. They definitely have their pick, it’s almost unfair. When you go out to bars or clubs or such social places that have been set up by our society to meet other people, half the girls there are just out for a girls night or just aren’t interested at all. I’ve been called hot by several girls and guys so I know it’s not just me either. Women are less likely to want to meet new guys in places guys go to actually try to meet women. Being a single guy in your late twenties or thirties trying to meet women is a difficult game. On the other hand, there are plenty of guys out there at gay bars looking to meet other guys. Because we have a tendency to think the same way as other guys. We go to clubs not to dance and “catch up with our friends” but to meet people of sexual interest. Women seem to rarely go out for that reason.
The last reason I might give has to do with sex. Guys are horny. I’ve been in two long term relationships with women and after the first or second year, sex just goes downhill. They rarely want it anymore. This has been scientifically proven as well. A mans libido may stay consistent over the years but most womens libidos dwindle over time the longer they are in a relationship, for various reasons. For a horny guy this often leads to breaking up, divorce or cheating. But if they are with a guy who is equally horny and consistent, well, that isn’t so much an issue.
I lean toward straight but I had boy friends in the past but I prefer women but there is a guy leans toward gay. I’m so afraid some one will find out i had a boy friend who wanted to kiss in public so I broke it off. So I like your post
I don’t recall ever making a comment before that evoked a new discussion! I feel honored!
You’ve written another wonderful, informative article!
It’s a big help to read other men’s experience of being bisexual – I’ve been finding that there’s lots of resources for bi women that explore relationship and emotional issues, but that there’s pretty much sod-all for men apart from the ‘I want to do this to someone’ forums. It’s as if people think that with men, bisexuality is all about the sex. I’ve always felt that ‘bisexual’ just doesn’t cover it – for me, I’m attracted to and fall in love with certain particular individuals, and over my lifetime they’ve been pretty much 50:50 men/women – but over time, my sexual orientation wanders about between being mainly into men, mainly into women, mainly into celibacy… but I’ve never had a boyfriend. The cultural megaphone has me convinced deep down that I’ll never be happy until I do (and that may also actually be true, but it’s really hard to sort the truth out from the hypes). What’s a chap to do? I’ve been in an intensely loving relationship with a woman for the last year, and one of the effects of that has been to bring to the surface my desire for a relationship like that with a man too. Bloody hell. I identify with the ‘complete freak’ sense that you mentioned, and feel that if it wasn’t such a loaded ‘identity’, it probably wouldn’t seem like the huge deal that it does. Sorry if this seems self-indulgent rambling – I’m trying to get something off my chest here, but also to share experience. Being bisexual often feels like being the conscientious objector in a sex war
Bisexuality is better described as a behavior rather than a sexual orientation. As stated, people are rarely (if ever) exactly 50% attracted to men AND 50% attracted to women. Presuming that most people want one life partner at any given time, they will find themselves attracted to the same sex (gay) or opposite sex (straight).
Your sexual orientation is a permanent part of your DNA. The way you behave is a complex part of your community, family upbringing, religious beliefs, etc. So you can play the field as a bisexual, but your orientation at the end of the day is either gay or straight.
Brad- I’m sorry, but I couldn’t disagree more! I’d have to write an entire article just to explain how wrong every single statement in your above comment actually is (and I probably will). So for now I’ll just say that its clear you really haven’t thought through what you just said.
I have to disagree with you as well Brad. You can be attracted to both men and women equally. Being gay was once thought of, and in some circles still is, as a behavorial problem that could be remedied. One could be straight leaning, gay leaning or 50/50. My boyfriend and I are both bisexuals. No, we aren’t closeted gay, or closeted heterosexuals. We certainly aren’t vanilla. Sexuality runs the gamut. I like f2ms, but am not so much into m2fs. I like men and women. Some bi’s don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship some do. No-one can help who they fall for. Neither my boyfriend nor I can see being in a serious relationship with the same sex. We’ve been there done that. This doesn’t stop us from enjoying being with someone of the same sex, we have attractions to both.
[...] other day, Brad made a comment on my earlier piece “Are All bisexual men closet gay?” He asserted that bisexuality was [...]
Hi,
I am a handsome gay guy and I love going to “straight” bars.
In my own personal experience, the number of closeted gay men in “straight” bars ( and everywhere else for that matter ) is astronomical. These guys are the most sexiest, masculine guys you could ever see and most of them have girlfriends, husbands and kids.
Guys will check me out, make eye contact, and grope their crotches right in front of me … IT”S UNBELIEVABLE !
As you can imagine, the nasty dirty looks I get from women is not good. If looks could kill, I would have been dead decades ago.
It’s so very sad that most men have to lie about their beautiful natural attraction for other men.
“HONESTY IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF LOVE !”
I am bi and have been out for about 3 years. (I am 23) I have struggled with the idea of being gay or straight. But only for a short while before deciding that i was bi. I VERY quickly realized that the world is a cold, jaded place. I decided that I was in the minority and could care less how the world perceived me. It is still very misunderstood and I don’t have the fortitude to explain it to even one more person. If you don’t understand, then you obviously will not ever understand. I have been with a slew of men and women whom don’t need to understand my orientation. For me, it is a personal journey that nobody else is invited on. Many mountains to climb and deserts to weather, but, it is my journey and I will overcome.
Now, I am with a woman and very happy. I cant say that i don’t enjoy the thought of defiling a man from time to time, but i am happy with this one girl whom is the love of my life.
I do not think ones sexuality is in their DNA, I believe sexuality to mainly be ones preference. The DNA arguement is pretty silly. Anyway, I think if a male/female is attractive enough then they will appeal to both men and women, even if they identify as “straight.” I have had small gay vibes from straight men, I read the signs pretty well e.g. a guy’s body language when he mentions his girlfriend around me and the guy knows I am gay. Its funny but hard to explain the signs.
I am African, a professional and a clan leader. Being a clan leader places lots of responsibilities on me. I realised while
at early age that my friendship with other boys was very emotional but I did not get that from the friends. I remember criying endlessly when such a friend drowned. The concept of man-man love did not exist in my mind but emotions were telling me a different story. I am now 30yrs. Is it possible to find another closet guy. How do I identify him?
Mzi
Hi Mzi
If only we wore badges, there would be an easy way to tell.
There are no sure-fire to identify people who are closet bisexual or closet gay. Come to think of it, its hard enough to identify people who are out and proud, because contrary to popular belief we don’t go around screaming it from rooftops. (Except once a year during pride marches.)
Going to gay-bars and nightclubs is a good safe place to meet other like minded men, there are unlikely to be any straight men in these bars, so you can be pretty sure all the men will be gay or bi.
Another great place is the internet sites like manhunt.com are ideal for meeting random strangers.
But as far as discovering people within your community or your circle of friends, that’s hard. But statistically 1 in 20 men will share your desires. So you almost certainly know men your own age and within your own community who are gay or bisexual. You might not know who they are, but know that they are there!
A final though… a bit of fun really…
My brother did got some “Smile if you Gay” T-shirts printed – perhaps wearing one of those is the answer?
“The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. ” – alfred kinsey
I don’t think there is anything anymore more confusing then being a bi guy. I grew up suppressing gay thoughts but I always know I was different in that i think guys are hot and i don’t like all the things other guys like, but also I do not fit the gay stereotype either i.e well organized, metro, flamboyant.
Also I don’t think its a choice or preference. I know that I find guys hot and would like to form sexual/emotional relationships with them but the same goes for girls too. It would be much easier less confusing if I only had these feelings for one sex but thats not the case thats just the way it is.
I think evidence of straight-leaning bisexual men is found in Kinsey and other sexual studies that 25% of men have had sexual experiences with other men but only 10% of people identify as gay. I have had sexual experiences with women and still think of it time to time, but I definitely lean towards gay (although I believe most men are inherently bisexual to an extent). I also enjoy going to straight bars and getting looks from men, many of whom would not act on their desires or only do so occasionally I assume.
This was really interesting. I’ve never been attracted to a gay guy past thinking he was good looking. That is to say I’ve never been emotionally and intellectually attracted to one before. I just figured a gay guy was gay and left them alone. So I was thoroughly confused by a guy I became good friends with who later told me he was gay, straight up gay and just guys… The thing that confused me was that there was an emotional response on both ends and an intellectual click and that I could’ve sworn he checked me out a couple of times. out was gay. I really didn’t mean to fall for him or anything, but there was definately an emotional response on both ends and some kind of a connection…so when he told me he was gay finally, i couldn’t make sense of things. I was then trying to th There was a couple times that i’m almost positive he was checking me out and later revealed that he he thought he loved once that was a girl and that they used to cuddle and such…he didn’t expound on the issue. I pondered over that and wondered if when he said he loved her he meant as a friend loves a friend or more. Anyways it was very confusing to me, I swore I had feelings and swore there was something coming back, but how could it if he told me he was straight up gay? And yet girls do cuddle with girls without being bi or gay i think…so when he said that he cuddled with a girl does that mean he’s actually bi and in denial or was it just as friends? Anyways the friendship wasn’t for a long perios of time, but it was intense i guess while lasted. I’ve been trying to make sense of it all and wondering if I was what i was feeling was accurate or if somehow i was losing my mind or making things up and possibly crossing boundries in wondering about the possibility when he trusted me as a friend.
Well I use to think that “Bi” meant you were gay but couldn’t deal with it. I fell in love with a man who was “bi”. HE ended up with a woman. I was not his first BF. I took it hard when he wanted to date women as well as me. So I ended the relationship.
I think there is such a thing as “Bi” however I would never ever knowingly date a bisexual again.
just because 1 guy didn’t work well doesn’t mean the rest of us won’t
Hello David,
I’ve just stumbled across this site (and despite being a bisexual woman, boy am I glad I did!) and wanted to say how incredible an experience it is for me to find people voicing the opinion of the ‘minority within a minority’.
I’m a bisexual woman in a committed relationship with a man, as like you I suppose you would call me ‘alternating’. However, I’m active in the queer life at my university campus, and am an executive member of the social group. You’re right about the prejudices you can meet, but I’ve also found that the other members of the university community are more than willing to use me as a sort of poster child to encourage others to approach us. All in all, I just wanted to say that I really do appreciate what you’re doing here, and how much it means to all of us!
I have something to ask the group:
My boyfriend is always pressuring me for anal sex. Not just on my end, but he wants me put my fingers in his backside. Sorry folks, but this grosses me out.
I told him I would be willing to go to the sex shop and see what we could find to “experiment.” I am willing to try to please him, in that he is 50 and thinks he is suffering from male menopause, having difficulty maintaining erections, feeling aroused, etc.
Last nite something happened that was beyond wierd.
We were spooning, and beginning to have sex.
He pulled me closer to him and said ” put your cock”…..then he stopped for a minute, as if he realized what he had said. Then he repeated “put your cock inside of me.”
I know I sound stupid to ask if he is gay. I guess at this point it is OBVIOUS……………..it was like, instead of saying the wrong persons name, he said the wrong piece of equipment. He lived in Vegas for years and used to be very promiscuous, but has told me he has settled down and is now wanting to be in a monogomous relationship.
We have even discussed marriage!!!
All day it has been creeping me out, hearing hiim say “put your cock………” and then stopping, like he was horrified, then a moment later almost covering it up…..but not very well, as he just continued on and said “put your cock insiide of me.” Now my mind is wanting to think:
he was just wording what he wanted me to say????
yeah right. Please, any feedback?????????
A lot of straight men are into anal sex (receiving). This can be as simple as using a butt-plug or vibrator or could involve a female partner using a strap-on. Its known as “pegging”.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pegging_(sexual_practice)
A desire for anal penetration does not make someone gay. Or even bisexual.
My advice: head to the sex shop buy a double ended strap-on and shag each others brains out. It might add a new dimension to your love-life. Just remember to buy some lube too!
If you are worried about messiness you can purchase stuff at a pharmacy to clean him out first.
Katie,
If it’s any consolation, I understand your sense of feeling grossed out by what your boyfriend is asking of you. I have never found the idea of anal sex at all appealing, and have in the past had to have some delicate conversations with guys who really wanted me to do that for them. I think respect for each others’ boundaries is essential in any relationship: don’t feel obliged to do things you’re not comfortable with just to please your boyfriend.
Thank you for this. I think people would be surprised to see how many people don’t lean fully one way or the other. After hearing about the kinsey scale, I started asking almost everyone I know how they rate- of yet, I have only met two zeros and one six. I think that people cling to the terms “gay” or “straight” or “bi” just because they are the only socially accepted sexualities.
Here is a question for the blog. What are the reasons for bisexuals hiding in the closet? For me the answer was fear. I grew up in “Small Town” USA, my father is a pastor and my mother is Catholic. My classmates and teachers in school treated homosexuality as a mental disorder or worse. And the term bisexual didn’t exist, except to talk about “sexually confused” people in need of therapy. Talk about an unhealthy environment for a bi-male to grow-up in.
Hey guys, found this blog just now. Wolf, I grew up in the opposite situation…from NYC, grew up in a very liberal and educated family, and have never come out of the bi closet. I would have to say I am more straight-leaning as I am married to a beautiful woman going on 12 years (who has no idea I like dudes…nor does anyone else in my life). I guess the reason I have never come out is that it really isn’t necessary.
I’m kind of a freak in that I am attracted to “hot” women (women most of society deems hot), fat girls, older women…pretty much anything with a good shape. I am also attracted to pretty much any kind of man. The point is this: I think most people have some skeletons in their closets when it comes to sex, and needless to say I have a whole cemetery in mine. Some men are chubby chasers or like to have their butts played with or etc etc. However, I have never been unfaithful to my wife with anyone of the opposite or same sex and don’t feel the need to…she satisfies me completely. I don’t want to know her skeletons and I surely won’t tell her mine. She might be a little (or a lot) freaked out, as would everyone else in my life.
I am sorry to any gay guys as it might seem as though I am keeping your fight for equal rights at a halt. It just isn’t necessary in my life to let this secret out. It isn’t my fight to fight. Also, keeping a secret makes it more fun…I feel like a stupid kid when I go into a gay porn store and bring african american porn to the hot black guy at the counter and get that little look from him…but I get that same rush from women, my wife included. It’s just a guilty pleasure of mine, as I think it might be for most straight-leaning bi guys. For instance, I frequent a gay porno theater with private booths, but I get a rush from being in the room with all the guys, watching the moive, then taking care of myself in one of the booths in the back (by myself, of course). It’s pretty much the same thing as the guy who tells his wife he is playing poker while he is really getting a lap dance at the local titty bar.
Being bi can be a little scary at first, but is pretty simple and a lot of fun when you come to terms with it! In my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with keeping it quiet, as long as you can handle it.