Aug 13 2008
Bisexuality is still misunderstood
You think people get it, then realise they really don’t understand bisexuality at all. Even my brother, who was the first person I came out to and explained things to properly still seemed to miss the point.
Recently I’ve been dating a girl “V” and I explained to him that it felt a little strange to be in a relationship again after such a long time being single. And he turns around and asks me “Doesn’t being a relationship with a girl conflict with your sexuality?”
I was a little surprised and for a brief moment I wondered if he only expected me to date hermaphrodites. So I asked him to clarify what it meant?
“Well,” he says, “seen as you are bisexual, don’t you want to date men as well?”
Ah – Once again I have to explain the concept of the Alternating Bisexual. I’m almost sick of blogging about this but its a recurring theme. So can I just explain once again that I don’t need a man AND a women to make me happy, as a bisexual I can simply be happy with a man OR a women.
Its not a difficult concept to grasp, why do people have such trouble with it?
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51 Responses to “Bisexuality is still misunderstood”
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People are truly under the impression that bisexuals want TWO people of the opposite sex @ ONE time, when that is not the case at all. It’s somewhat frustrating to me.
as he grows and sees you living as bisexual, he will get it, you sometimes date guys, you sometime date girls.
*facepalm* And I wonder why I haven’t come out to anyone but my boyfriend…
There are so many misconceptions about bisexuals, from straight people and queer folk alike. It’s maddening sometimes.
The one that bothers me most is the myth that all bisexuals always want to be in a relationship with a man and a woman, at once. I may be bi, but I am not polyamourous. There is a difference. One boy/girlfriend at a time is quite enough!
Totally agree with you Isa, one at a time is quite enough!
Oy. I suppose the only thing you can do is keep repeating it – no matter how angering it is.
I’ve always been under the impression that bisexual men are simply confused homosexuals. I’m 53 years old & was married to a woman for 5 years when I was much younger yet I’ve never claimed to be bisexual. Every bisexual man I’ve ever known ended up settling down with a man after dating a woman. Perhaps this is a gross over simplification, but it’s been my observation.
Almost no one in my family knows I’m bi. I have a girlfriend, and she’s bi as well, and I love her more than anyone in the whole world.
My brother says one’s either gay or not, you either like cock or you dont, and bisexuality is just a coverup. So apparently, my girlfriend is just a coverup, and I dont really love her, and she’s using me for the same reason, our love is completely fake.
RAGE.
But that’s ok, he can’t keep a girlfriend for more than a month and he’s 19, I’ve been with mine for closing in on two years, I’m 17. Hah hah, in your face, etc.
To DaviDC
I’ve written a new entry to respond to your point.
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2008/08/16/arent-all-bisexual-men-closet-gay/
I think your observations are probably accurate, but your implied conclusion is wrong. The article explains why.
[...] comment by DaviDC on a previous article has really lead to this post. DaviDC quite rightly observed that every [...]
Yeah, I have a friend at work that just doesn’t seem to get how I can be bisexual and still be happy being married and monogomous with a man. She thinks I need to be with a woman too.
Here’s how I explained it…
You’re straight and married to Bob, right? Do you need to be with other men? No? …Exactly
Interesting. I guess I don’t discuss the topic enough. I wasn’t aware that so many people were unclear on the subject. It also irritates me that so many gays/bi’s/etc get irritated when people who do not share their sexuality don’t understand their sexuality. Why should a heterosexual automatically understand the worldview of someone with a totally different view on sexuality? I don’t expect others to understand my lifestyle, as non-mainstream as it is, but I don’t get mad when people display their ignorance. I accept it, and explain if they seem willing to learn. Rather than get mad at people, look at it as an opportunity to build knowlege, diversity and acceptance. Doesn’t always work, some people are just built with tiny little closed minds.
This is one of those stereotypes that drives me absolutely bat-shit crazy. It’s almost as bad as those people who claim that bi-sexual people are all filthy lusty sluts who aren’t happy unless they have everything. Agreed I am a very sexual person, but that has nothing to do with me being bi-sexual.
oo i see, so that means u want to date a man that USED to be a women
LOL Collin, I’m sure you must be taking the piss!
Eh, it’s the usual ‘hurr, I can’t see anything that’s not black or white’ nonsense. They’ll all learn one day, hopefully.
Although I have to say the sexual experience of having both at the same time was awesome ^^ But then again that doesn’t count as a relationship, just some fun
Interesting points, I didn’t realise people had problems understanding this.
I agree totally with the last two messages – I have bi friends, and really did not know people had the misconceptions spoken of here; and as a favour to a beloved ex and her best friend I partook in a MFF threeway – once, recently – and they both had a whale of a time, but agreed it was just a bit of fun.
But quite frankly, what does it matter if you DO want both at the same time?
Live and fucking let live, for goodness sake
Well one of the points I’ve been trying to make with this blog is that bisexuality is frequently more than wanting both a man and a woman at the same time.
Personally I have little or no interest in threesomes, the idea seemed cool long ago, but the reality is I’d be happy with a cool guy or a cool girl, I have no need of both.
One of the main misconceptions about bisexuals is that we are all motivated by group orgies and threesomes. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I don’t so much mind that one…it’s pretty easy to explain, I think.
But the “bi’s are just closeted gays” thing really irks me.
To DaviDC:
Just because the guys you know settled down with a guy…doesn’t mean that they stop being attracted to women! Which…still makes them…bisexual! It’s just like any hetero relationship, just because you are married to one guy/girl…doesn’t mean you stop being attracted to other guys/girls!
Hmm… just to check some assumptions here – so the options open to a bisexual are: serial monogamy, polyamoury, promiscuity?? Well, I have to add another menu item (which isn’t on most people’s ‘bisexual’ list) – if you want the nomenclature, I suppose I’m a parallel monogamist: what I want is a steady, committed relationship with one man, and a steady committed relationship with one woman. This may or may not constitute ‘a threesome’, inasmuch as I’d really like them to like each other, but I don’t need them to fancy each other. But it’s not ‘just fun’, it’s about love. This doesn’t make me promiscuous – I don’t want or need any other woman but the one I’m with, but I would like to be with a man in the same way. And it’s difficult to come out and say this, because not only have I been shot down in the past by hets/gays for being bisexual, but when I read the above comments, I sometimes feel like there’s a strong investment in the bi community to deny the validity of my sexuality, in case it threatens the acceptable face of bidom. Perhaps that’s putting it a bit strongly, but why are we buying into this myth that says ‘sorry, only one soulmate permitted’? What a waste of love. etc., etc. rant, rave… (can you tell I’m unsure of myself here? Yup, me too…)
@DavidDC – not even close. I’m tired of people saying that… it’s like, honestly, it would be much easier to be gay, and sometimes I wish I was, but I’m not. I’m bi, and all that means is that I’m attracted to both guys, and girls. It’s a common misconception that being bi means you always want to be with a guy and a girl. It’s not like that… it defines your attraction, not necessarily your behavior. For some reason, people seem to think that being bi means you have to be slutty, and are averse to monogamous relationships. Some bi people may be like that, but it’s a stereotype, and doesn’t apply to everyone. I might date both, but never, ever simultaneously, because that would be cheating. So there.
I understand this problem, bitheway, and I think part of the problem is individuals who are both bisexual & polyamorous, but try to use their bisexuality as an excuse to force a polyamorous relationship on a lover who does not want one, but also doesn’t want to deny their “sexuality”. I realize these individuals are NOT the norm. I mention them as people who spread this misconception & are too cowardly to be upfront about their desire for a polyamorous relationship, so they hide it in this way. Which just sucks for the rest of the bisexual community.
I failed to read all of the comments before posting, hence this addition.
Yoxi, you’re polyamorous. You’re also bisexual, but needing to have more than one lover is more connected to being polyamorous than being bisexual. And that is perfectly okay. That is not the wrong way to live, just a different one. Please just ensure you’re upfront with your lovers so you can find 2 people who are as comfortable with this plan as you are. It’s a harder lifestyle to live, but when it works it can be beautiful & joyous.
I’m about the same age as DaviDC but just the opposite of what he describes. Overall I prefer the company of women. In relationships I have had with women, the tenderness, the caring and the cuddling tend to make for a softer sensuality that I crave in relationships. When I’m with a man it’s all about sex, hard sweaty sex. I like masculine men, like myself, but once the sex is over I quickly lose interest. It maybe that I just haven’t met the right man but I don’t think that is it.
I love being honest and telling the world that no, I’m NOT CONFUSED. I like both sexes, and Bi is beautiful!!
OnlyinOly – from what I’ve gleamed chatting to other bisexual guys, that’s quite normal. A lot of straight leaning bi-guys are purely hedonistic in their pursuit of men, its strictly about sex and not about intimacy.
I think some are reluctant to get involved emotionally with a guy because it would ultimately force them out of the closet, others like you are just interested in the sex. Its cool, everyone is different, a world of clones would be dull.
HFM – that really ought to be said more often, Bi is Beautiful.
Greetings all.
I’m a polyamorous bisexual man from Melbourne, Australia.
The reason why I started out as non-monogamous was because I did not become aware of my bisexuality until after I was happily married to a wonderful woman – friend, lover, and life partner. When I realised I was bi, I felt the need to explore it and understand what it meant for me, so I came out to her, we set up rules, and I did some exploring.
Many years later, via the exploratory self-discovery side of the bisexuality, we both moved into polyamorous circles, and it worked beautifully for both of us. I am happiest when I can experience romantic, loving, sexual energy from both genders.
I have to be honest; I just don’t know how separate or entangled the bisexuality and the polyamory are for me. Both are simply part of my identity, and loving, committed relationships with several people simultaneously (and yes, the occasional threesome) have been wonderful and have helped me learn who I am.
It makes me incredibly happy that my boyfriend of 2.5 years and my wife of over 12 years are close friends. Being held lovingly by the two people you love most in the world is sheer bliss. Poly has presented its challenges and it has not been without pain, but it has all been worth it for me.
I also know there are many monogamous bisexuals, and sometimes I feel bad that some would feel I am propagating a stereotype about bisexuals. Not everyone is as slutty as me (ethical though I may be) and it always sounds a bit weird when I out myself to someone and add “…but not every bisexual is non-monogamous like me”.
Ah well, what can I do? I am who I am and I refuse to feel shame for that.
Thanks all for letting me crap on at such length.
James/DexX
Hey DexX
Great comments, nice to hear from someone of the polyamorous persuasion. I probably don’t give ethical polyamorous bisexuality enough coverage on this blog and I think your remarks might be the muse for a future post so thanks again for your comments.
I am a 40 year old bi-sexual male. I didn’t fully understand my own sexuality until I had been married for almost fifteen years. I too found that I didn’t need a man and a woman to achieve happiness, I could be happy with either. I agree with the above statement, with men it’s all about sex. Men are just sexual creatures driven by impulse over emotion. Women are emotionally driven and have to build up to it in a relationship. For us guys, some of us have achieved that need for cuddling and femininity, but overall I must confess, I’ve never been much for cuddling. With a man, another man can achieve the best of both worlds, the tenderness, the closeness, the emotion(during sex) afterwards we can go back to being buddies, friends etc, without the emotional baggage that often comes with managomous heterosexual relationships.
Hey, very pleased to have given some food for thought. If you want to chat more about this, please feel free to email me privately.
Great site you have here, by the way (no pun intended). I always love finding positive bisexual voices on the internet.
Yeah, people can be so… what’s the word… thick headed.
I’m bi and I have a brother in law that is gay, and he does not like bisexuals. He thinks they are greedy.
How refreshing, I just found your site via stumbleupon. I love the post and I get your frustration. As a bi sexual women, I’m a head *f8ck* to many lesbians out there and the same to straight guys! Its frustrating, awareness still has a long way to go I’m afraid.
Thank you for helping to educate the masses
Jill
It totally sucks, cuz if I am dating a girl everybody says I am just scared of saying im a lesbian and now that I found a guy i love and i want to marry they say I am a hetero afraid of being normal… but *&^*&( i like boys and girls, is that hard? i mean, i dont have to be with both to be happy..
I am part of a pride movement at my workplace, whenever I go to a meeting girls will ask me if im lesbian, when I say Im bisexual and Im living with my boyfriend they look weird at me like I shouldnt be there… is frustrating, not even gay community seem to accept it very well.
Good to know im not the only one going thru this.. sometimes surely feels like im the only one
Thanks for making this point 
I am an 18 year old Bisexual Male. I was in a relationship with a girl in school for six months. we had been friends for a long time beforehand, and i had told her about well you know. when we started going out, she got very weird. it got to the point that if we walked down the street, she was expecting that i was checking out everyone i met. in the end she told me we could stay together if i would stop being bi. I ended there and then, as she was asking me to give up something that ya cant give up. I dont see being bi as being any different to being Gay or Straight, we are all supposedly equal in this day and age. as long as i like the person, i dont care what sex or orientation they are, they just better like me! i also couldnt care less if someone criticises me for being confused, or i’ll eventually turn gay, they obviously have their own Problems!
I have been married to a bisexual man for 22 years. He came out to me (with a little bit of encouragement, as I already knew, but he didn’t know I knew) a little over three years ago. We are finding our way, since he’s been having secret sex with men the whole time. Frankly, I think he’s more into the duality than the M2M sex… but I’ll leave that for another post.
But I have not been neglected. Since his NSA play with men may put me at risk, the only difference in our sex life is that we use barrier protection now, which, I must admit, he doesn’t like, but will do.
I feel more safe and secure.
For me, the most difficult part is, when explaining to those close to me (part of my healing is disclosing our mixed-orientation marriage to my “board of confidants”) that he’s bisexual, is to convince others that he really is not gay, that bisexuality means being drawn to both males and females for sex. Incidentally, his “fidelity” lies in the fact that I am the only woman he has sex with.
I’m shocked that so many people have such weird views on bisexuality.
I have always thought that being bisexual just means that the sex of whom he/she is “Kissing”(!) doesn’t matter. What matters is the person whom they are “Kissing”. For 10 or more years now I have considered myself as a bisexual who just hasn’t yet found a bloke that he fancies. And apart from the completely homophobic, aren’t all straight guys/girls like that???
Hi T
At risk of stating the obvious, bisexuality goes a little further than “kissing” – I know you’re trying to euphemise “shagging”, but I think your post is worth picking up on because to many bisexuals the gender of their partner *is* important.
What you describe is an alternating bisexual, someone who doesn’t care about the gender of their partner. However there are many bisexuals who specifically want to have a relationship with a woman *and* a relationship with a man. The two relationships can often be approached entirely differently, often one involves love and the other merely lust.
Bisexuality takes on many forms.
Which leads me to your sense of self-identity which I rather like: “A bisexual who just hasn’t found a bloke he fancies yet.” That’s cool
I consider myself bi and out of everyone I’ve told I find myself to be the person that has the most trouble accepting this, spending all my time falling into all the typically assumptions made by ppl, feeling that I’m either just denying that I’m a lesbian or scared of living a potentially predictable, heterosexual life.
ok so im lost, ive been with more guys then girls, and now ive come accross a girl who clicks with me more then any guy or girl has in a very long time. She thinks im straight and i promised myself i wouldnt get into any long term relationship that i had to lie. BUT the obvious thing is most woman dont want a guy who has been with guys. The fact is i’m not promiscuous or overly sexual, I turn down sex offers often. When im dedicated im dedicated, if i need ot cheat i need to leave. So am i fooling myself , and just bide my time for a gay guy to be with, or should i explore this relationship and hope shes that small percentage who can deal with it??everyone who knows about me is basically telling me to be gay , and ill admit it hurts a little. as if im not more complex then that. i dunno if anyone has suggestions id be so appreciative cuz i feel really lost right now
Hey Benny
If it feels right with this girl, then it is right. Gender is irrelevant, its just another characteristic like hair shade or eye colour.
I’ve slept with blondes and with brunettes, what’s wrong with dating a red-head?
Never let other people define your sexuality. If you are attracted to someone and they are attracted to you then that’s all that matters.
You might want to read about Tom Robinson, an English Singer Songwriter best know for his hit “Glad to be Gay”. He says he always preferred to identify as “gay”. But then in the mid 80s I inconveniently fell in love with a woman.
Maybe you can find something in common with his story?
Well I am glad that I Stumleupon(ed) this article because I am bi. I love what all my boy and girlfriends have brought into my life.
And making love to both genders is f’in great!!!!!
Looking over all the above, I would have to say that there are three types of “Bi”
Those that wish they are
Those that think they are
Those that know that they are
Where do we that want to explore, but feel like we can not? Personaly I think we need to try and then decide.
Thanks
Think about how hard it can sometimes be to satisfy ONE person. Then two?
Yes, a threesome can occasionally be fun, but as a regular every-day thing, it can lose its appeal and lead to other problems such as jealousy and feelings of abandonment.
Just go with what feels right and stop obsessing about it. Don’t worry, be happy.
I am glad that I found this blog. It offers a lot of different views and stories. Well, here is mine. Bisexuality is about being able to love a man and/or a woman equally. It is about knowing who makes you happy and making them happy. I am a bi-male. My wife, of 7 years, knows and is comfortable with me looking at other men. Hell, she looks with me, but it never goes beyond that. I hope someday to find a man that we can love and share, but until then I remain committed to her and her alone.
I’ve not come across this stereotype too often. The one that irritates me is how most people seem to think “bisexual” is synonymous with “confused”– that I simply don’t know what I want, and, my mom’s favorite expression, that I’m just going through a “phase”.
I will never understand why people can accept the decisiveness of Straight and gay, but bisexual means you simply don’t know yet.
Nice to see people who I can relate to.
I’m a bisexual female and my observation is this. More homo/heterosexual people are confused than bisexual people are.
I find it so strange when people say bisexuals are confused.. Or it’s a phase.. So ridiculous.
We know what we like and want. We like both men and women, and when we find a human being we like and they like us, then that is who we love and who we want, and no one else regardless of if they are male or female.
At least that is how it is for me.
I believe there are many gray areas in life and bisexuality is a big gray area. Love, sex, attraction- it is all complex and there is no need to make simplifications and generalize. If someone is bisexual than believe them. I am very happy being a bisexual man and wouldn’t change it for the world! Life isn’t black and white so why should sexuality be any different.
Finally, someone has the same problem as me. I get a lot of confusion from people about the whole bisexuality thing, too. It gets pretty tiring, right?
What really gets me is how people tell me I can’t possibly be bisexual because I’ve never had a sexual experience with another female. By that logic, I would have been asexual until my first sexual experience.
I’ve just stumbled across this blog and I think I’ll become a regular reader.
I never actually heard of that being a problem when explaining bisexuality! Personally, as a bisexual, I refer to that sort of relationship as “polyamorous.” There is a HUGE difference between polyamorous and bisexuality…