Jul 21 2008
Relationship Material
To follow up on my previous post about “Enduring a Straight Streak“, to add to the confusion, I met someone last night – a girl – a woman in fact. We seemed to hit it off and I hope it will develop into something. But if it does, where does that leave me as a bisexual commentator?
I know its kind of stupid thing to be thinking, but I find it much easier to write about bisexuality and as a bisexual when I find my attractions are fluid. When my affections become focussed on someone, particular a woman, I feel like a bit of fraud talking about bisexuality. I’m not sure it would bother me so much if I got into a relationship with a guy, probably because gay and bisexual issues tend to overlap to a greater or lesser extent.
Like I say, this a really stupid thing to be thinking because I always knew it would happen, after all I’ve already said I’m an alternating bisexual, so when I did get myself back into a relationship, my bisexuality was going to become invisible again.
And in some ways this invisibility effect is worsened by a relationship with a girl. You see, if I rolled up with a boyfriend in tow, people would probably remark “Oh, I didn’t know David was Gay” – there’d then be an opportunity to correct them and say “well actually I’m bi – I just happen to be dating a guy at the moment”. In contrast, you turn up with your girlfriend and everyone thinks that’s normal and unremarkable.
Anyway, forgive the lack of structure to this rather poorly composed ramble of thoughts, I’m getting ahead of myself anyway, before I start worry about what a relationship will do to my bi-vissibility I really ought to secure that second date.
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6 Responses to “Relationship Material”
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Your ability to fall for a woman affirms your status as a “bisexual commentator” as opposed to a homosexual one. Even if you don’t feel particularly into guys right now, you’re doing a good job of describing the complex, often conflicted feelings of bisexuality.
I’ve never felt as straight as when I’ve found myself newly infatuated with a girl. It’s no surprise that this girl you fancy fills your romantic thoughts, but it’s curious how that can lead you (or me) to feel like a fake bisexual. Meeting a woman shouldn’t undermine a bi man’s identity, but it often does. I think the problem comes from sexual labels that threaten to dictate one’s sexuality rather than describe it: “I like men and women, so I’m bisexual” becomes, “if I’m bisexual, then I must like men and women all the time.” Liking both all the time is nearly impossible, especially if you’re into monogamy.
We bisexuals often pay more attention to our gay feelings because hetero is the default in our culture. Nobody thinks twice when boy meets girl. Boy meets boy is the one our grandparents wouldn’t understand, the one rednecks would bully us for, the one singled out as evil by some religious groups, etc. Many bisexuals come to accept their same-sex attractions only after long periods of soul-searching, and a heterosexual relationship threatens to send one’s hard-fought queer identity back into the closet.
How does a bisexual “do” bisexuality in a monogamous, straight relationship? I’ve been married and monogamous for 14 years, and I’m still not sure. Perhaps writing a bisexual blog is one way to affirm one’s bisexuality, as is responding to a bi blogger’s posts. I can’t speak for you (though I fear I’ve come dangerously close in this post), but I know that, no mater how strong my feelings for a woman or how straight I’ve felt, my bi feelings have always returned. Happily, I’ve so far been able to integrate those feelings into a marriage with a woman I love.
Good luck with this new girl of yours, especially if and when you decide to tell her.
I’m with Tiresias – being with a woman doesn’t make you less bisexual.
I’m having a similar struggle right now; I’m a bisexual woman, quite fresh out of the closet, but I’ve recently found myself in a relationship with a man. I think this is a perfect example of why we need a stronger bisexual community, because it is hard to identify with the gay community when you’re in a opposite-sex relationship, but at the same time, most of us feel much more comfortable within queer culture than in the heterosexual mainstream.
I’ve always said that your orientation does not depend on who you happen to be with at the moment. It’s doesn’t, for that matter, depend on any external forces. Your orientation and your identity are your own.
Next game: let’s tell our new opposite-sex partners that we’re bisexual. Oy. That’s gonna be fun.
I think the two of you have said it very well, as a bisexual your sexual orientation is not defined by the gender of your current partner. However it does explain why most people associate bisexuality with poly-relationships, those of us that are monogamous don’t exactly stand out, do we?
No, we don’t stand out. It makes deliberate visibility really important, I think–not that I think anyone has a responsibility to be, but if we want a stronger community as Jamie says (and I agree) we have to BE the community.
And I’m still working on that myself, she said, half-in, half-out of the closet. I’m getting ready to come out on my own blog, actually, but there’s a couple of people I want to make sure hear it from me personally first.
You have a nice blog. It’s nice to read someone perspective of bisexuality. I will add your blog to my blog list.
Thanks Avenue Road, much appreciated.