Jul 04 2008
I’m still closet with old people
I guess I’m unusual in so much as I’m an out straight-leaning bisexual, there aren’t that many of us. Though by virtue of the internet, thankfully we can connect with others in the same boat and not feel quite so isolated. I wouldn’t like to say I’m proud of my sexuality, because that makes it sound like I think its better than anyone else’s, but I’m not ashamed of it either and I have pride in myself as rounded person. Fuck gay-pride, bi-pride or whatever, I have Dave-pride.
My sexuality isn’t something I feel a burning need to celebrate, its a characteristic, its part of me, not the whole person. I just get pissed off when people prejudice me because of it, hence the writing of this blog. Still I think its important to be out about your sexuality, I really do. The reason is lack of visibility, bisexuality cannot be taken seriously unless there are genuinely ‘out’ bisexuals prepared to stand-up and be counted. We are the collective beacon for everyone struggling to come to terms with their bisexuality in the face of societies expectation that we declare sides, straight or gay.
Still, whilst I’m out to anyone that asks, and I’ve specifically come out to my immediate family and close friends, further I’m out to anyone who has bothered to read my facebook profile, there are still some people I cannot bring myself to tell.
The first is my Nan, she’s 93 and desperate for me to make her a great-grandmother before she dies. My cousin has already made her a great-grandmother twice over, but he lives in Vancover Canada and she has never met her great-grandchildren, so in my Nan’s words, “this doesn’t really count.” If I told her I was bisexual this would crush her, because she’d assume I meant gay, and in her mind this would mean no great-grand-kids.
There’s no way I could explain this to her, because she’s so deaf she wouldn’t hear the pertinent details and I’m not sure she has the capacity to understand it anyway, not with a life so shaped by a strict Catholic upbringing.
The other person I who I haven’t told is another older friend, Ken is 78, I affectionally call him “my adopted granddad” as both my grandfathers have passed away, and he’s the only other over 75 I’m close to. We’re good mates and we have the kind of relationship I would have liked to have enjoyed with my grandfathers were they still alive. IE: We go-out for a beer, bite to eat and generally help each other out on our pet projects. Which generally involves me fixing problems with his computer and him giving me a lift when I find myself stranded somewhere. But I guess like a lot of people his age, Ken has opinions about the world having got worse as he’s gotten older. I’m sure that this is borne out of a resistance to change and it happens to us all, but I’m still the right side of 30 and I’m a progressive. I keep telling myself that when I’m in my 70′s, I’m still going to be a radical progressive. Its easy to say, but in all probability the world will have probably moved at a faster pace than I have and the chances are that I’ll become like Ken, convinced the world was a better place in ‘my day’.
When you get to know someone, you can normally determine the ‘age’ they settled in. The era when they felt the socio-political spectrum best fitted their sense of self, for me it was the mid-late 90′s. For my parents it was the early 70′s. For Ken it was the 50′s. During the 50′s there was very little acceptance of homosexuality (they still sent people to prison for buggery) and even the more progressive people of the day, (of which I’m sure my friend was one,) tolerated homosexual acts provided it was kept very firmly in the closet and out of view.
I could be doing him an injustice by not trusting him with my sexuality, but I fear that Ken, like my Nan probably doesn’t have the capacity to understand it without first battling with some inherent personal prejudice. Still, as far as our friendship goes, my sexuality is irrelevant, I’m single, I date occasionally but there are no serious relationships on the horizon and until they are and one of them is with a guy, there isn’t really anything to explain.
Still for now, as far as older people are concerned, I remain closeted. They are the one group I feel unable to come out to, even my football team (who I haven’t explcitly told) have access to my Facebook profile, but the older generation I find are the hardest to come out to.
Am I being unfair, misjudging them? Possibly, but I really don’t know how to broach the subject with the senior citizens in my life.
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8 Responses to “I’m still closet with old people”
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you could start the subject with talking about same-sex marriage and see what they think, or don’t ask don’t tell maybe?
Well I’m currently working on the ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ principal as its currently not something that is making an issue of itself. And whilst I don’t think either are outwardly homophobic or bi-phobic, I think they belong to the NIMBY generation. IE: they can be passive about homosexuality and bisexuality provided they don’t have to come face to face with it or deal with in their immediate family or friends.
Don’t beat yourself up over it; everybody short of Andrea Dworkin is closeted to old people. As I’ve said before, I think bisexuals are plagued with a certain guilt over not necessarily needing to come out – we still can pass as heterosexual – and many feel the need to come out to everyone they see in order to avoid feeling that guilt. Don’t. If people want to assume, let them.
My partner and I have talked about this. We just figure in our own lives that we don’t need to freak out the old folks in our lives. We like to live authentically, but don’t want to be in anyone’s face over it…
Excellent blog BTW! Found you on Queers United
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I have to admit, while I have come out to just about everybody I know, it’s still really hard for me to come out to older people. and I haven’t come out to my grandparents. My grandmother and grandfather are both in their 70′s and have very strict catholic backgrounds. When I was in junior high and my best male friend came out as gay my grandparents tried to forbid me from speaking to him ever again because he was “sick”. Once I finally convinced them that this wasn’t so they settled down a little, but ever since then and since the birth of my daughter they have told me numerous times how happy they are that I “didn’t get poisoned by his influence.” I really think I wouldn’t have a problem telling them about my sexuality if I though that they would understand what it means to be bisexual and that bisexual does not mean gay.
You’re a courageous person with amazing insight and a wonderfully colorful way of expressing yourself in print. Reading through the archives of your blog has been a tremendous help to me. I am not yet fully developed in my sexual orientation. Socially, I am not only struggling to come out with my sexual preference/s, but I really haven’t launched sufficiently from my family of origin. I will be alright, because I am determined to continue broadening my horizon through human interaction and general exploration. I think it caring and wise that you do not rush to come out to the elderly. In fact, it is wise to be slow in coming out to people concerning sexual orientation; it can be a real slap in the face to hear the details of anyone’s sexual preference… Essentially, announcing sexual orientation is TMI (too much information) for most people. When I reached a certain age and level of maturity, I concluded that the only people who really need to hear about my sexual preference are the people I intend to pursue intimacy with. I made plenty of noise during my twenties. I was shocked and amazed at my proclivity for sexual social flexibility and took it upon myself to toss it in the face of everyone I could to see what their reaction would be and to remove the uniqueness of my astonishment. The fact that you care about your Nan and your Elder friend enough to not announce your sexuality as though it is an alert from EBS is admirable and shows that you are indeed a conscientious adult, perfectly fine regardless of who you sleep with or who you are attracted to. I’m so glad I found your blog. Thanks, bitheway.
Our elders don’t need any more stress, and unless they have dealt with this when younger, it’s best to just play nice. I will never tell my 83 year old mother, she’d get all wound up about it – my divorce was hard enough on her.
Everyone else though, because visibility is important, will at least get a hint that I’m more “open hearted” than most. There’s a rainbow stripe on my bumper, which after the election will be replaced by a three-color Bisexual banner. That should be enough for now.