Bi The Way

Well it looks like I’m about to fulfil a bisexual stereotype. I’ve finally organised a second date with the girl I met last week, let’s call her “V” and although I’m probably going to enjoy her company tonight, I really don’t have much interest in taking her home and falling into bed with her. In fact to be honest, the prospect of straight sex is not a turn on for me at all right now. (Yeah I know I’m swinging again, my “straight-streak” has ended.)

Its not her, its just that the past two days I’ve found myself far more turned on by the thought of bedding a guy than a girl. Well it is her, in a way, she cancelled and re-scheduled so many times, that I started to wonder whether or not she was really interested. I was also reminded how much easier it can be to understand men than women.

My last girlfriend played little games, like cancelling a date to see if I would chase her for a follow-up and I started to wonder if “V” was doing the same. Its pretty tiresome as you plan your week around a date, decline invites from mates then when she cancels you wind up doing sod all by yourself. My experience with guys isn’t broad enough to say that men don’t play these silly little games, only that I’ve never been close to a guy that did. This realisation is ultimately what ended my straight-streak.

So I’m once again yo-yoing and about to fulfill the bisexual stereotype that we can’t be happy just shagging one person, we are always looking accross the other side of the fence. Of course this isn’t true, it just looks that way, because I’ve been irritated and frustrated by trying to land this second date with “V”.

To follow up on my previous post about “Enduring a Straight Streak“, to add to the confusion, I met someone last night - a girl - a woman in fact. We seemed to hit it off and I hope it will develop into something. But if it does, where does that leave me as a bisexual commentator?

I know its kind of stupid thing to be thinking, but I find it much easier to write about bisexuality and as a bisexual when I find my attractions are fluid. When my affections become focussed on someone, particular a woman, I feel like a bit of fraud talking about bisexuality. I’m not sure it would bother me so much if I got into a relationship with a guy, probably because gay and bisexual issues tend to overlap to a greater or lesser extent.

Like I say, this a really stupid thing to be thinking because I always knew it would happen, after all I’ve already said I’m an alternating bisexual, so when I did get myself back into a relationship, my bisexuality was going to become invisible again.

And in some ways this invisibility effect is worsened by a relationship with a girl. You see, if I rolled up with a boyfriend in tow, people would probably remark “Oh, I didn’t know David was Gay” - there’d then be an opportunity to correct them and say “well actually I’m bi - I just happen to be dating a guy at the moment”. In contrast, you turn up with your girlfriend and everyone thinks that’s normal and unremarkable.

Anyway, forgive the lack of structure to this rather poorly composed ramble of thoughts, I’m getting ahead of myself anyway, before I start worry about what a relationship will do to my bi-vissibility I really ought to secure that second date.

Well its been a few weeks since I’ve had any major crushes or lusts after other guys, so I’m officially on a “straight streak”. I guess this contrasts nicely with the “Gay Days“, I’ve described previously. Its kind of weird going through a period like this where your attractions are almost exclusively heterosexual, it makes you kind of question what you are doing writing a blog like this. What authority do I have to talk about queer issues when I haven’t seen a guy that makes me want to rip his shirt off in what seems like ages? (Truth be told its been about 3 weeks.)

I guess I’ve been rather immersed in straight culture of late, football, outdoor activities, not your typical ‘urban chic’ gay scene. But that’s a cliché too right? Queer culture isn’t limited to disco bars and outdoor cafes. I mean Bisexual and Gay people like sports as well, don’t they? Still the overtly straight-macho environment doesn’t present the best opportunities for honest self-expression.

Does simply surrounding yourself with straight-dom make you straight? I don’t think so and I sure as hell hope not. But I have to admit these straight-streaks leave you rather confused, you end us questioning your sexuality all over again and these horrible thoughts like: “Have I made a huge mistake in coming out?” start rattling around your head.

Still for now I’m philosophical about things, sexuality is a bit like weight, it changes, swinging around your personal average. Some times of year your feel really fat, others you are flexing those abs. Bisexuality is a similar state of affairs. Your level of attraction to one gender or the other varies with time. Besides, who knows my “straight streak” might be coming to an end - the latest copy of GT has just arrived.

In a speech on the 7th of July, Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg called on schools to recognise their “unique role” in tackling homophobia and called for better monitoring of homophobic incidents in schools. The fully story is here: http://www.pinknews.co.uk/news/articles/2005-8260.html

What is probably unique about this speech is that its the first by a mainstream political leader to include even the remote mention of bisexuals. Nick Clegg’s frequent references to ‘LGB’ rather than the ubiquitous ‘Lesbian and Gay’ can only be hailed as progress for bisexual recognition. Whilst we are still relegated to a single letter of an acronym, unlike recent Stonewall reports we are at least acknowledged.

It was a good speech, recognising that a minority of homophobic parents still poison their children’s thinking and that schools have a role in educating children against homophobia, something that presently they regularly fail to do.

As Nick Clegg rightly points out LGB pupils have higher levels of truancy, drop-out, mental health problems, panic attacks and eating disorders than straight students and more than half of LGB adults who were bullied at school contemplated self-harm or suicide. And four in ten had attempted it at least once.

Speaking as a bisexual guy who has previously self-harmed and attempted suicide, If this isn’t reason to be concerned about homophobic bullying then I don’t know what is. Bisexuals are more likely to be closet than their lesbian and gay counterparts, and whilst as a result, our outwardly homosexual cousins are more likely to bear the brunt of homophobic bullying, ’straight acting’ bisexuals cannot feel any more comfortable ‘being themselves’ in a virulently homophobic environment than lesbians or gays. Unlike our friends in pink, bisexuals have no political movement speaking out for them, no real separate identity, and bisexual teenagers must feel terribly isolated and alone. No wonder that so many of us first ‘pick a side’ before ‘broadening our horizons’.

Clearly more needs to be done to raise awareness of bisexuality, particularly in schools and leaders like Nick Clegg have a role to play in that, for now its atleast good that we have been acknowledged by use of an acromym, next time it would be nice to be called by name.

I guess I’m unusual in so much as I’m an out straight-leaning bisexual, there aren’t that many of us. Though by virtue of the internet, thankfully we can connect with others in the same boat and not feel quite so isolated. I wouldn’t like to say I’m proud of my sexuality, because that makes it sound like I think its better than anyone else’s, but I’m not ashamed of it either and I have pride in myself as rounded person. Fuck gay-pride, bi-pride or whatever, I have Dave-pride.

My sexuality isn’t something I feel a burning need to celebrate, its a characteristic, its part of me, not the whole person. I just get pissed off when people prejudice me because of it, hence the writing of this blog. Still I think its important to be out about your sexuality, I really do. The reason is lack of visibility, bisexuality cannot be taken seriously unless there are genuinely ‘out’ bisexuals prepared to stand-up and be counted. We are the collective beacon for everyone struggling to come to terms with their bisexuality in the face of societies expectation that we declare sides, straight or gay.

Still, whilst I’m out to anyone that asks, and I’ve specifically come out to my immediate family and close friends, further I’m out to anyone who has bothered to read my facebook profile, there are still some people I cannot bring myself to tell.

The first is my Nan, she’s 93 and desperate for me to make her a great-grandmother before she dies. My cousin has already made her a great-grandmother twice over, but he lives in Vancover Canada and she has never met her great-grandchildren, so in my Nan’s words, “this doesn’t really count.” If I told her I was bisexual this would crush her, because she’d assume I meant gay, and in her mind this would mean no great-grand-kids.

There’s no way I could explain this to her, because she’s so deaf she wouldn’t hear the pertinent details and I’m not sure she has the capacity to understand it anyway, not with a life so shaped by a strict Catholic upbringing.

The other person I who I haven’t told is another older friend, Ken is 78, I affectionally call him “my adopted granddad” as both my grandfathers have passed away, and he’s the only other over 75 I’m close to. We’re good mates and we have the kind of relationship I would have liked to have enjoyed with my grandfathers were they still alive. IE: We go-out for a beer, bite to eat and generally help each other out on our pet projects. Which generally involves me fixing problems with his computer and him giving me a lift when I find myself stranded somewhere. But I guess like a lot of people his age, Ken has opinions about the world having got worse as he’s gotten older. I’m sure that this is borne out of a resistance to change and it happens to us all, but I’m still the right side of 30 and I’m a progressive. I keep telling myself that when I’m in my 70’s, I’m still going to be a radical progressive. Its easy to say, but in all probability the world will have probably moved at a faster pace than I have and the chances are that I’ll become like Ken, convinced the world was a better place in ‘my day’.

When you get to know someone, you can normally determine the ‘age’ they settled in. The era when they felt the socio-political spectrum best fitted their sense of self, for me it was the mid-late 90’s. For my parents it was the early 70’s. For Ken it was the 50’s. During the 50’s there was very little acceptance of homosexuality (they still sent people to prison for buggery) and even the more progressive people of the day, (of which I’m sure my friend was one,) tolerated homosexual acts provided it was kept very firmly in the closet and out of view.

I could be doing him an injustice by not trusting him with my sexuality, but I fear that Ken, like my Nan probably doesn’t have the capacity to understand it without first battling with some inherent personal prejudice. Still, as far as our friendship goes, my sexuality is irrelevant, I’m single, I date occasionally but there are no serious relationships on the horizon and until they are and one of them is with a guy, there isn’t really anything to explain.

Still for now, as far as older people are concerned, I remain closeted. They are the one group I feel unable to come out to, even my football team (who I haven’t explcitly told) have access to my Facebook profile, but the older generation I find are the hardest to come out to.

Am I being unfair, misjudging them? Possibly, but I really don’t know how to broach the subject with the senior citizens in my life.