Jun 29 2008
How can I tell if my boyfriend is bisexual?
So you suspect your boyfriend or husband is bisexual, but your not certain? You suspect he might like guys, but what are the signs and how can you tell? After all bisexual and bi-curious men don’t wear badges, we don’t have a dress code, and we are notoriously closeted. So how do you know if your boyfriend is bisexual?
You could trawl through his computer looking for gay porn, or check his credit card for membership of swingers sites, hire a private detective to follow him when he takes the dog out for a walk. Perhaps even have a look under his mattress for stashed copies of Gay Times.
But by far the simplest solution is just come right out and ask him, though before you do I’d recommend you read my earlier post on How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend.
A lot of women wrongly assume that just because their boyfriend is bisexual that this means the end of their relationship. It doesn’t or at least it shouldn’t. Very few guys who come out as bisexual want to leave their girlfriends, and not all of them want to start dating men on the side.
If you are going to ask him, then its got to phrased with genuine interest and support, don’t challenge him. Just ask him gently and make it clear that you’ll be supportive whatever his reply. If you are not capable of being supportive, then you don’t deserve an honest answer.
Obviously his answer may have repercussions for your relationship, but its just as likely that it won’t. A lot of bisexuals are monogamous and contrary to popular believe we won’t freak out just because we’re in a committed relationship with a woman and can’t get any cock. We’re rational normal people and invariably all we look for is a loving partner who we can share our life with.
Our bisexuality shouldn’t matter, but clearly you want to know and I guess where it impacts you, you have a right to know, but the only real honest to god sure fire way to find out if someone is bisexual is to ask them – nobody lies when they say ‘yes’.
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17 Responses to “How can I tell if my boyfriend is bisexual?”
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The SHIFT key is your friend.
I don’t know about just coming out and asking them like that, I mean what if the person is closeted, questioning or struggling. I’d ease into it and hint at the idea before jumping out with that question.
My point is really that the only way you’ll ever know for sure is to ask. The way your phrase the question or how you build-up it is obviously important and you’ve got to consider the individual circumstances. To many people are looking for a series of clues or indicators with which to confront someone with and that’s the wrong approach.
true
I think asking is all well and good, but if he’s not ready to come out, he won’t; likewise, if he is ready, he’ll probably do so on his own without being prompted.
Naturally, you’ll probably only ever know someone is bisexual if they come out and tell you.
Asking though, remains the most honest way to prompt someone into telling you. Jamie’s right, if they are not ready they might deny it, but as I said in the piece, no lies when they say “yes – I’m bi”.
I suppose entrapment is another approach, If you suspect your boyfriend is bisexual, you could pretend to be bi yourself and come out to him, see if that gives him the comfort zone to come out for himself. But that has all kinds of negative repercussions when he finds out you lied. So I’m not going to recommend that strategy.
Unless you have the patience to wait until he comes out for himself, then the only thing you can honestly do is ask and hope he’s at the point where he can be honest with himself, so he can then be honest with you.
I appreciate your intention of trying to make things easier for everybody and find some truth in the process. Nevertheless I completely disagree with your affirmation of “If you are not capable of being supportive, then you don’t deserve an honest answer.” I think being honest is something you do for yourself and not for the reaction you receive from somebody else. Obviously it’ll be even more difficult to come out if the reaction you expect is some plates thrown at your head, but my bottom line is that coming out is something you do for yourself and not for others.
I would have to agree with this paragraph of David:
“Unless you have the patience to wait until he comes out for himself, then the only thing you can honestly do is ask and hope he’s at the point where he can be honest with himself, so he can then be honest with you.”
and I agree with sal’s paragraph:
“…coming out is something you do for yourself and not for others.”
In both cases it’s a personal issue. But I do think that as soon as someone knows that he/she is definately bi, then they should inform their partner. Dragging it out won’t change the end result. The worst that could happen is for your partner to leave you.
i think if your have sexcual relationships. and you are not informing the person you are bi, that is really really un called for…….its not fair to the person your with, its not their choice to be in that situation in the first place.
Honey whilst I agree you should tell your partner about your bisexuality, particularly if this means you want to see other people as well as your primary partner. I think a lot of women fail to accept that most bi-guys are unable to to put a name on their feelings.
Remember we’re conditioned to be straight from a young age. As we get older we’re told its OK to be gay. But no-one ever mentions “bisexuality” and when they do, its always in the context of women, never men.
A lot of men have never even heard of bisexuality and those that have often don’t realise its possible to be both male and bisexual.
This leads to a lot of bi-guys been very confused about their feelings, wondering if they are straight or gay and struggling to understand themselves. Often out of a miss placed sense of shame they closet themselves and their feelings.
So a lot of guys don’t tell their girlfriends they are bisexual not because they are out to deceive anyone, more because they don’t understand their feelings well enough to put a label on it.
This subject is so forbidden for so many people to talk about, from both genders in a relationship, and it’s a shame. I have been married to my wife for 8 years, and we have recently gotten deeply back in love, rekindling a passion we had previously lost…through the use of exploring fantasies together and honesty and communication.
Due to my successful military career, I am unable to disclose my sexuality openly or publicly. It is something I have always been forced to hide or suppress. Honestly, I never never been with a guy before, and it is still merely a fantasy, but thanks to my beautiful wife’s encouragement and acceptance, that will be changing very soon. However, the first thing that has to happen is the person who becomes (emotionally) bisexual needs to feel comfortable and confident enough in themselves to admit that it is who they are. If a couple is very deeply in love, the subject should not be forbidden to discuss, because people should love their partner entirely. The other one will be able to accept that the possibility of fulfilling a fantasy or a desire or a sexual urge may be the best way to share intimacy between them in the 1st place.
This is a subject that my wife and I have hinted towards for years, but neither of us have ever acted upon. Our discussions have gone from “underneath” to “explicit” in the last few months. The plan is further exploration when I get home from this deployment.
I know this thread is about a woman confirming suspicions about her man. In our case, the “coming out” was absolutely necessary for us, because there was an erotic piece missing in our relationship. I absolutely felt compelled to tell her, because I could not live in the closet away from her anymore. The outcome was incredible, and created a new feeling of understanding, trust, and erotic passion as we openly accepted each other in this new way. She is highly interested this sexual avenue as well, but I never would have gotten absolute confirmation from her on this unless I initiated the conversation.
The best advice I can give women who feel compelled to confirm bisexual urges of their men, is to be honest with them. Be openly expressive and erotic in conversation, make open acknowledgment of gay or bisexual men in movies, the media, or in public. If he sees that lifestyle is not something that a woman is opposed to, he may feel better about confirming his bisexual fantasies or past (or secret escapades in the present). Once that is initiated, neither of you can force information out of each other. Let it move as slowly, or only as fast as he allows. Keep the subject at the forefront (but only at appropriate times). These conversations may take months or even years to develop and even possibly develop into reality. If you love each other, let it happen. But do not allow these tendencies to develop independently. If you do, the trust will never grow, and the emotional and tantric experience of sexuality, and the bisexuality cannot develop. Also, there is no reason a woman cannot ask a man about prostate stimulation or fantasy about anal play as a catalyst to discuss male bisexuality. I can’t speak for all men, but anal penetration and prostate stimulation is something that a lot of men have explored through masturbation. I know I have always loved the way it feels. But the first time it is shared (in my case, it was with a woman) the erotic experience intensifies the physical pleasure. If you can get a man to go to that level with you (because he’s probably already done it by himself), that is a good time to discuss male-male relationships. His level of erotic stimulation will be high, and inhibitions will be low, and may say things you thought you’d never hear cum out of his mouth. Also, ask him about oral fantasies. If you enjoy his semen in your mouth, tell him. Ask him if he’s ever tried it himself. Offer to help him keep his erotic level high enough to do it. Offer him a snowball or encourage him to go down on you after he cums inside your pussy. That was another door-opener for me…made me realize how much I would love to go down on a guy and feel what a woman feels while performing the act, and when he explodes. It’s a real turn-on for some of us.
Once a man gets past the stigma of enjoying another man sexually, he will feel so much more relaxed about discussing it. I feel the best I’ve felt in years, and we both are so excited to know that we will explore bisexuality together. The sex will be new and uninhibited and passionate, and should make our sex more incredible than it ever has been. Perhaps it will be a temporary thing, or maybe inviting other men or women or couples into our sex life will be something we will do for years to cum. Either way, it’s better to allow these things to happen, rather than live out your days regretting ever having explored those options in your sexuality.
Peace.
I need some advice. I feel that my boyfriend might be gay or bisexual. We hardly have sex, once every three weeks though we hang out every night, in his bed. And when we do have sex, he would go soft mid way. We’ve been dating three months and the number of times we had sex is four times. And he came only once. He treats me very nicely and since we live in a small town, i’m know he’s been loyal to me. He said that he had seen gay porn, his reason being he didn’t know that it was gay porn. And while holidaying in malaysia, he said that he hit on two girls who turned out to be male. If i guestion him, there’s no way that he’s going to give me a straight answer. I’ve hinted bout asking him if he has any dark side, and he said that he does. He tries to struggle with it constantly, but also said that he has explored his dark side and liked it but felt bad, feeling that it’s wrong. I’m confused.
OK erectile dysfunction (going soft) is not an indicator that your boyfriend likes men.
Clearly from your description of his “dark side” your boyfriend has certain sexual desires or fetishes he has been unable thus far to share with you.
It may be that he is gay or bisexual and struggling with that, but equally it could be that he’s straight and just prefers kinky sex.
Let him know that whatever his “dark side” may be that its OK to have non-standard sexual desires and fetishes. Whatever they are, get him to share them and don’t be judgemental.
If you happen to share a fantasy or fetish, then your love lives will no doubt be all the more fulfilled. If not then it doesn’t mean you are mutually exclusive. One of my ex-girlfriends was really into PVC, I’m not. But it didn’t stop us going at it like rabbits, we just left her cat suit in the closet.
If he turns out to be exclusively gay, then I suppose then you have to go your separate ways, however, if he’s bisexual, then hey – that means he’s interested in both men and/or women (I stress the “or” as not all bi-guys want to have concurrent relationships with men and women.) Chances are though its something else entirely and you are worried about nothing.
Hi
I came across your site on Google and have found it very helpful.
I have a suspicion that fiancé is possibly bisexual, but don’t know what to do about it.
About 4 months ago I was looking through his history (not intentionally) and I stumbled across some gay sites that he had visited. I didn’t think much of it, but a week later he went to the same site again and he had viewed some more, but this time he had saved a file he had viewed, I thought it was a little strange that he had saved the file, but often my fiancé and I would look strange things, so maybe he was waiting to show me (but he wasn’t). Knowing that he saved the file did bother me, but I thought the best thing to do was to wait until I had some more data to confront him with. But one thing I will mention, as soon as I found out he was viewing these sorts of files, I started exploring him in that region, thinking that he may well enjoy it – hoping it would open him up a bit.
But anyway, yesterday I got this sudden urge to search all files and folders on his computer, to my amazement I came across a folder that was hidden amongst things that contained 191 porno clips/movies etc. To shock me even more, at least 35% of the files were gay porn.
I knew I couldn’t live in denial anymore I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t say anything. We discussed it over the phone first, and he had no idea what I was talking about, he said that he never knew the file even existed. As soon as he came home I made him delete it. He seems to think it was a virus or the program it was hidden in was given from a friend, so maybe it was from them. Another thing that was unusual is that recent porn files we had looked together were placed in that folder. He convinced me that he was not into the gay porn and was disappointed that I thought he was into it. My fiancé has never ever lied to me before, he is a terrific man and he would make an even better father but the data is definitely out weighing his excuses of how the data got there! But when I did approach him on it, I was very supportive, calm and understanding, but he convinced me otherwise.
When he started putting 2 and 2 together, I admitted that I thought he may have been into it and I explained about the exploring, and his answer was that he thought I liked it! He told me he never wants to do it again! He also asked me why I didn’t say anything about his viewed history when I first saw it, he seems to think we have a communication problem, but I didn’t want to bring up this topic if I was completely incorrect, as it is a touchy topic.
My fiancé has never ever given me any hint that he may be bisexual, I thought he was 100% straight, we have a healthy relationship and a great sex life. My question to you is – What are the chances that he is bisexual? Is it possible for a successful marriage? I’m getting married to this man in 3 months and there is nothing I want more than to marry him, but what worries me, is the long term!
Thanks in advance for your advice.
Hi Katie
OK you have a situation you need to recover here otherwise its going to haunt your relationship forever.
1) To most people, going through their browser’s history is an invasion of privacy. It smacks of “checking up on them”. To do it once is accidental, to do it twice shows a lack of trust.
This may not be your intention, but that’s how this could be read by your boyfriend. So note to everyone, if you discover something whilst prying in a place where you shouldn’t, apologise and confront the issue right away, don’t sit on it whilst you keep prying. It destroys trust.
2) Is your boyfriend Bi?
Who knows! He could well be telling the truth and be 100% straight. Who else uses or has access to his computer? If he has an unsecured wireless network then arguably just about anyone could have access to his PC.
Maybe he is bisexual and he just doesn’t feel ready to share that with you. Your bisexuality is something you have to admit to yourself before you can admit to others.
But if he is bisexual it doesn’t mean you can’t have a happy marriage and it doesn’t mean he’s going to go out and sleep with men behind your back. He might be quite happy with a weekly gay porn fix.
Simple question to ask yourself.
Do you trust your boyfriend to be faithful to you and not to cheat with other women? If you do then you have no reason not to trust him in the same way with men.
Bisexuality means we can go either way, it does not mean that we will.
Dear bitheway
Thanks for your prompt response I really appreciate it.
With your first point, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I do understand that letting it go on for so long and checking up on him does destroys trust, I feel like I don’t believe what he is saying now and I feel terrible for that.
**Noted for future that I will confront him about things right away.
In regards to your second point, no one else uses the computer apart from myself and he is not on a wireless network, so again, I kind of believe that the files are his.
I know deep down that he would never cheat on me, he is not that sort of a person, but if all those files did belong to him, maybe he’s not the person I thought he was.
And getting to your last comment about the “weekly gay porn fix”, this really bothers me! I would feel very jealous if I found out he was watching gay porn, I’d feel like I can’t provide him with what he needs! It’s like I don’t want to leave him unsatisfied incase he was to turn to this! I think I am developing a problem!
I suppose I will have to sit back and and just wait to see if he does come out, there is a positive to all this, at least I’ll be prepared!
Katie
First up you are assuming the worst. He’s told you he’s not Bisexual. Yet you’re not sure if you believe him.
Here on a blog article comment thread, no one can play private detective and figure out whether or not he is telling the truth. Only you can work that out. There isn’t much point in us procrastinating about it here. So I’m not going to speculate further and fuel your fears.
As you say in your closing paragraph, it sounds like this is more your problem than it is his. You say “I would feel jealous”, “I’d feel I can’t provide him with what he needs!”, “I don’t want to leave him unsatisfied.”
There are a lot of “I’s” in there. You are turning this into a problem for yourself, when you really just shouldn’t worry about it.
Not all bisexuals need to be with both a man and a woman, some like me (known as Alternative Bisexuals) are just capable of falling for either gender. In this case looking at Gay porn is no different to looking at straight porn.
Some guys limit their bisexuality to personal fantasies. Enjoying these fantasies through porn or imagination is enough to keep them fulfilled. Bo effort is required on your part. Its not your job.
And don’t kid yourself into thinking this will be any different with a straight guy. Men rarely fantasise about the women they are with. (We can enjoy them in our reality.) Instead we fantasise about women (or men) we are not with: movie-stars, singers, super-models. Fantasy & porn is a way for guys to satisfy our inherently polyamorous nature without cheating on our girlfriends.
Women are monogamous. Men cheat. Either in our heads or in real-life. Be thankful if you haven’t got one of the later.
PS: Sorry if I sound blunt, but I’m straight-talking guy mode at the moment. Feeling rather heterosexual.
bitheway
Thanks for your reply, dont appologise for your blunt comments, it made me realise a few things, i think thats what i needed.
I’m going to let it go now, you made me realise that its not a bad thing if he was bisexual, not that i have anythng against them, you just dont suspect your love one of being one.
This has been the most stressful week of our relationship and i thank you for listening to me and taking the time to reply and making thick head understand it more.
Cheers
kate