Jun 29 2008
How can I tell if my boyfriend is bisexual?
So you suspect your boyfriend or husband is bisexual, but your not certain? You suspect he might like guys, but what are the signs and how can you tell? After all bisexual and bi-curious men don’t wear badges, we don’t have a dress code, and we are notoriously closeted. So how do you know if your boyfriend is bisexual?
You could trawl through his computer looking for gay porn, or check his credit card for membership of swingers sites, hire a private detective to follow him when he takes the dog out for a walk. Perhaps even have a look under his mattress for stashed copies of Gay Times.
But by far the simplest solution is just come right out and ask him, though before you do I’d recommend you read my earlier post on How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend.
A lot of women wrongly assume that just because their boyfriend is bisexual that this means the end of their relationship. It doesn’t or at least it shouldn’t. Very few guys who come out as bisexual want to leave their girlfriends, and not all of them want to start dating men on the side.
If you are going to ask him, then its got to phrased with genuine interest and support, don’t challenge him. Just ask him gently and make it clear that you’ll be supportive whatever his reply. If you are not capable of being supportive, then you don’t deserve an honest answer.
Obviously his answer may have repercussions for your relationship, but its just as likely that it won’t. A lot of bisexuals are monogamous and contrary to popular believe we won’t freak out just because we’re in a committed relationship with a woman and can’t get any cock. We’re rational normal people and invariably all we look for is a loving partner who we can share our life with.
Our bisexuality shouldn’t matter, but clearly you want to know and I guess where it impacts you, you have a right to know, but the only real honest to god sure fire way to find out if someone is bisexual is to ask them - nobody lies when they say ‘yes’.
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I don’t know about just coming out and asking them like that, I mean what if the person is closeted, questioning or struggling. I’d ease into it and hint at the idea before jumping out with that question.
My point is really that the only way you’ll ever know for sure is to ask. The way your phrase the question or how you build-up it is obviously important and you’ve got to consider the individual circumstances. To many people are looking for a series of clues or indicators with which to confront someone with and that’s the wrong approach.
true
I think asking is all well and good, but if he’s not ready to come out, he won’t; likewise, if he is ready, he’ll probably do so on his own without being prompted.
Naturally, you’ll probably only ever know someone is bisexual if they come out and tell you.
Asking though, remains the most honest way to prompt someone into telling you. Jamie’s right, if they are not ready they might deny it, but as I said in the piece, no lies when they say “yes - I’m bi”.
I suppose entrapment is another approach, If you suspect your boyfriend is bisexual, you could pretend to be bi yourself and come out to him, see if that gives him the comfort zone to come out for himself. But that has all kinds of negative repercussions when he finds out you lied. So I’m not going to recommend that strategy.
Unless you have the patience to wait until he comes out for himself, then the only thing you can honestly do is ask and hope he’s at the point where he can be honest with himself, so he can then be honest with you.
I appreciate your intention of trying to make things easier for everybody and find some truth in the process. Nevertheless I completely disagree with your affirmation of “If you are not capable of being supportive, then you don’t deserve an honest answer.” I think being honest is something you do for yourself and not for the reaction you receive from somebody else. Obviously it’ll be even more difficult to come out if the reaction you expect is some plates thrown at your head, but my bottom line is that coming out is something you do for yourself and not for others.
I would have to agree with this paragraph of David:
“Unless you have the patience to wait until he comes out for himself, then the only thing you can honestly do is ask and hope he’s at the point where he can be honest with himself, so he can then be honest with you.”
and I agree with sal’s paragraph:
“…coming out is something you do for yourself and not for others.”
In both cases it’s a personal issue. But I do think that as soon as someone knows that he/she is definately bi, then they should inform their partner. Dragging it out won’t change the end result. The worst that could happen is for your partner to leave you.