Jun 27 2008
The Alternating Bisexual
The alternating bisexual is a rare breed, or so it seems, as I’ve come across very few, certainly amongst men. For the uninitiated, the alternating bisexual is the person who has the capacity to fall in love with either men or women, but chooses only one partner at a time and is usually monogamous.
One relationship might be heterosexual, and then after that relationship ends, the next relationship might be homosexual, after that ends they may revert to a straight relationship. Though in theory the alternating bisexual can settle down with a partner for life and no-one would ever know they were bisexual, they’d just assume they were straight or gay depending on their current choice of partner (though that could also be said of a lot of bisexuals who tend not to flaunt secondary partners).
I would generally describe myself as an alternating bisexual, mostly because I wouldn’t want my partner to be sleeping with other people and consequently I would do them the same courtesy. I just don’t get the need for multiple partners, one at a time is enough work! An just to dispel another bisexual myth, I don’t have a burning desire for sex with a guy AND sex with a woman. I just have a burning desire for sex. LOL!
No seriously, my sex drive is pretty moderate, it revolves around love making rather than just getting off. Hell I can do that myself! I’m far more into foreplay and oral than I am into penetrative sex, though granted I won’t say no. But equally I don’t need a penis or a vagina to make me happy. I fall in love with the person, not what does or doesn’t dangle between their legs.
Why post about this? Well, frankly I’m pissed off that just because I say I’m bisexual, people assume I’m incapable of entering into a loving monogamous relationship. I think its partly because I’m a guy and it’s assumed we want to play the field anyway, so if you are bisexual, then its somehow assumed that you want to play the field with both genders. Worse its assumed that you’ll never be satisfied having sex with just one woman and that you’ll always desire a man, or vice versa.
Well I kinda desire a man at the moment because I’m pissed off with women. But it would be wrong of me to judge the entire female gender on the basis of my recent experiences with woman and their reaction to my bisexuality. So I’m still technically keeping my options open. And as I’m predominantly attracted to women, the odds are still stacked in favour of my next relationship being heterosexual.
So if there are any sexy, well-adjusted men out there get your bids in quick. *grin* I don’t plan to be available for long.
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isnt every bisexual technically an “alternating bisexual” most bisexuals i know are monogamous and can date either gender at any given time.
My experience is that its more common with women. Browsing a forum like ShyBi-Guys I’d say about 2/3’s of the guys are having or looking for secondary, often informal, relations with a man whilst maintaining a primary relationship with their wife/girlfriend.
I think guys have greater tendencies to be polyamorous anyway, irrespective of our sexuality, we’re biologically programmed to try and spread out seed around as much as possible. Monogamy does not come naturally to most men.
OK granted there are those of us that find it pretty easy, but I look around my mates and I think I’m the only one who’s never cheated on my partner.
I don’t think bisexual men are any more or less likely to be polyamorous than straight or gay men. But I think we move in circles where poly-relationships are more acceptable.
I’d fall under that category as well. Although I’ve wondered in the past if a bisexual can be in a “hetero” or “homo” relationship at all - aren’t they all bisexual relationships with us? I like to think so.
Do you think we have any responsibility to discourage any monosexual benefits? Of course, it applies mostly in the case of a bisexual involved with someone of the opposite gender - does he owe it to the bisexual community to correct those who assume he’s straight (or gay, on the flip side), or is it fair to let them assume?
Hi Jamie
It tend to agree with first point, from a bisexual point of view all relationships are bisexual, “homo” and “hetero” are just tags to indicate the gender of our partner in relation to us. But I like your thinking.
On your second point, do we have a duty to correct people who assume we are straight or gay because we are in a committed relationship with a single person?
No, I don’t think so, its not our fault they’ve made an assumption about our sexuality. I’m sure most my friends assume I’m straight. Do I have to go around with a sign around my neck reading “bisexual”? Or every time I meet someone new should I introduce myself as bisexual?
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups, its their assumption not mine. I’ve not misled anyone, I’ve just had people presume I’m something I’m not. And as for “monosexual benefits” - why shouldn’t I be treated with the same respect as other monosexuals? Why shouldn’t I get the same ‘benefits’ they do? After all its nothing short of what any bisexual deserves.
Hey David, awesome blog. I found you through Queers United’s Blog Spotlight. It’s so great that you’re out and blogging about it, especially as a bi guy…women get more of a space to be non-monosexual than men do right now, and of course that’s being supported by all the “science” and so forth because it’s the current Common Wisdom. Maybe because the straight male (privileged) majority thinks bi girls are hot, but are scared of the implications presented by bi guys.
I think “alternating bisexuals” are far more common than perception would have it, but because people tend to assume that we’re homosexual or heterosexual based on who we’re with, it’s hard for us to be visible. But I have noticed that a lot of girls on the Shy-Bi forums are looking for the same thing you describe as common at Shy-Bi Guys. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend on the side is fine if everyone is ok with it, of course, and it’s not necessarily something I’d object to for myself, even though I tend to be monogamous. (I think one partner takes enough time and energy, like you say!) Thing is, having multiple partners is polyamory, which is not equivalent with being bi. I share your frustration with the misconception that bi folks are flighty, confused, promiscuous, unfaithful, etc. It makes it tougher to come out and to establish trust at the beginning of a relationship.
I wonder if a lot of bi non-monogamy doesn’t stem from people discovering/accepting their bisexuality later in life, after they’ve married or found long-term partners. If there was more awareness of and acceptance for bisexual orientation, I think people would have to struggle less with the conflict between expressing their full sexuality versus maintaining a long-term relationship. I myself didn’t figure my orientation out until I was over 25 and count myself lucky that I wasn’t committed already.
Hi Erin
Thanks for your insightful comments, its always nice to hear from people who find themselves in very similar circumstances to myself.
Big thanks to Queer Unity for blospotting me and sending me all this great traffic.
oh geesh, more lables…ok, now i understand i’m an “The Alternating Bisexual”?…lol…
i have never seen gender in a person, just the person. being bisexual is confusing…to people who are not.
when i am in a relationship, it is always 1-1, i’ve never been with more than one person at a time, and have never roamed while in a relationship. faithful like an old dog, i am. i ask that the person i’m with accords me the same respect and does not cheat on me. all my loves agree going in that, should either of us feel a compulsion to be with someone outside our relationship, we will split 1st, then venture forth into a new endeavor with someone else.
my longest relationship was 23 yrs with a bisexual husband. i’ve also spent a few years happily celabate.
no matter what the label, just enjoy your life…waste not one heartbeat on bullshit.
[...] - Once again I have to explain the concept of the Alternating Bisexual. I’m almost sick of blogging about this but its a recurring theme. So can I just explain once [...]