I’m reading your post and I’m left asking myself. What has this got to do with your boyfriend’s bisexuality? From what you’ve described it sounds like you just have a boyfriend who is a bit moody. Is it time to give up and move on? Is it right to stay? I don’t know, I have to resist the urge become an agony aunt and just say that this is really something that you need to figure out for yourself.

Bitheway

Can anyone please help me? Thank you so much.

I’d remind you that the bits about loving thy neighbour and showing compassion and love for others are accompanied by teachings like ‘turn the other cheek’ and ‘judge not lest you be judged’. Whereas the prohibitions on homosexuality are accompanied by instructions for genocide and how to sell your daughter into slavery.

Both aspects of Christian belief cannot be right. They are mutually exclusive. You have to choose which side you value most. Once you do I’m sure that as a person with a good heart you will have no problem accepting your boyfriend in spite of your religion.

Female paranoia about this non-entity is however a major cause of relationship problems. Unless your boyfriend has a history of cheating you can generally assume he will be faithful when he says he’s happy in a monogamous relationship. We men generally say what we mean, we are refreshingly simple creatures. You don’t need to double-think our motives.

So my best advice to you Tisha is to put all of this to the back of your mind because its all a non-issue, just enjoy the seemingly very healthy relationship you have with your boyfriend for what it is. I can’t promise you it will last forever, but its lasted 3 years why not longer? The main reason it won’t is your fear. We tend to make our thoughts our reality. So your fear is the most destructive force in your relationship. Try to focus on the positive, the things that give you confidence, the reasons you love your boyfriend, the reasons he makes you feel safe and loved. This is where your mutual future lies.

We are truly are in love with each other and we are extremely young to even start this long term relationship, but we dont want to give up .. Im super confused on weather or not to just leave him and start as friends (if thats even possible) or to stay positive and not always have this confusion about his sexuality, He feels its coming up more often in his thoughts , he never acts on it though .. he feels like he does not want to hurt me or leave me for that matter.

I dont know if were both being selfish and just waiting for a disaster to happen.. I have absolutely have no one to talk to about this and knowing there are more relationships like mine makes me feel more relieved and that I have more hope that he is the love of my life and we can be together.

I know we started this relationship WAY to young knowing that we started to date when we where in high school , so i feel that myself and him havent really had a chance to be with other people, or sexually experimented.. SO this makes me think about him wanting to do things he didn’t get to do ? Im not to sure what he REALLY wants and im sure he really does not want to hurt me saying he wants to be with men but then keeping me in his life.. everything just seems so unfair to me and I cant stand this, But as corny as this sounds I want to be with him for the rest of my life, I’ve put everything including my whole self into this relationship and NOW we have problems about his sexuality when I had thought everything was fine the way it was.

I never make him feel uncomfortable but I do admit I can’t handle having conversations about his sexuality and it makes me feel really rude, or its my fault that he cant talk to me about his feelings.

I just want to know how to deal with this, without just deciding we shouldn’t be together or just quit on trying and then feel like I’ve wasted 3 years of my life with this person and then just for him to be with men.. I’ve always thought about not being together and just “working on us” And become not so dependant on one another but where would that lead to? would he just decide hes fully gay? or just needs a break to figure out what he really wants .. I just feel like every choice we do make is selfish towards both of us and our feelings.

We just want to know what to do .. Im super confused this is my first real long term relationship we both just turned 20 years old and im in school full time hes working full time. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with are relationship Im happy hes happy but there’s just something missing .. and It’s about his sexuality.

I want to be with him and I want him to be himself and not to feel trapped & he wants to be with me but if this is going to be a problem for life long and we have no way of solving this .. what do we do ? how do we work with it? I do not want an open relationship neither does he. We both have excellent communication skills I can talk to him about anything, we know each other front to back and I’m sure he knows me more then I know myself.

Help me please as you can see im repeating myself with confusion. I just would like some advice on what we should do or work on ?

But lets run down your little path a bit further. Lets assume your boyfriend hasn’t been entirely honest with you about his previous sexual encounters, lets assume he loved receiving anal sex and was in love with his ex-boyfriend. What the fuck is so wrong about that? Why does this affect your relationship with him? By your own admission, he’s never been unfaithful and is quite happy in his relationship with you.

Maybe he underplayed his previous homosexual experiences because he didn’t want you to think he was a ‘sissy’. Who knows? Who cares? It has precisely ZERO bearing on your current relationship with him.

Bisexuality means you are attracted to *either* gender, it doesn’t mean you need to have a guy and a girl on the go at the same time. So put your insecurities to bed and really think about whether a) you have any reason to distrust your boyfriend and b) if he lied, what his likely motivation was and whether is really matters to current relationship. You should conclude that you are worrying about a non-problem.

Just recently I found out that it was much more then that. He lived with 2 of the 3 males he had been with, there was anal sex (him being the bottom), & that he had even told one that he loved him. He also had an ad on a website & even had two others that I can acount for.

None of this information came from my boyfriend , but rather from one of his ex’s.

I am hurt that my boyfriend has lied to me about all of this. He also lied about the fact of why he thought he was bi. As he tells it he could “never get the girl” & men always gave him the time of day, so that is why he thought he should be with men. As I have found out he never had any trouble getting males or females for that matter.

His ex calls him a “true bi-sexual”.

The trust factor has been beat up a bit with all this new information. I did question my boyfriend , but he stuck to his story so I do not know who or what to believe anymore.

I love him very much , we have a child together & as far as I know he has never cheated on me. He doesn’t get online at all & is always with me.

Any advice would be most helpful. I want to trust him again , but have been burned before by him lying to me. Is he bi or just using it as an excuess to just have anyone in his life as he hates to be alone?

(1) Not all men feel emasculated by sharing a guy-on-guy experience with a woman. It depends on the guy and the exact nature of sexual experience. For example to receive head or be the giver rather than taker in a full on sex encounter still leaves a man in the traditional dominant position. And even if you role reverse this scenario, someone who has high levels of self-confidence is still unlikely to feel emasculated.

(2) That’s something that a stranger really cannot answer. Though what are your fears exactly? What are you trying to protect him from?

And finally how to label him, that’s up to him to choose really. Labels are helpful for people to choose so they don’t feel alone, but that way the choice to adopt the label really has to be theirs, if we go labelling people, you start making assumptions about what they are like based on the definition of the label, rather than based on what they are really like.

Fast forward to this weekend, where he revealed that he likes to go, maybe once or twice a year, to a sex club in a city in another state. It started about 10 years ago with just girls, but there’s also been experimentation with guys that he enjoys. He’s asked me if this would be something I would consider doing with him, and to be honest, I think I’m open to that. I’m not really bi-curious, but the idea of MFM is appealing – but does that really happen that often with men who are bi or bi-curious? I read earlier in this thread that it can emasculate a man to have his woman watch him with another guy. My ex is VERY dominant and very masculine with a high-powered, very testosterone-filled job. I want him to retain all his power. I don’t want to do anything to take that away from him because I find it very attractive. I also worry about the clubs he attends. He does tend to have a reckless streak. I don’t know if that’s part of the appeal of the club scene, or if I could possibly steer him more toward a swinger lifestyle. So I guess my questions are this:

1. How do I support him without taking away his power? How can I show him that this is okay, and that my feeling for him have not changed, and that he’s still as desirable today as he always was? I know during our conversation that he was concerned that I would no longer be attracted to him. If possible I’m even MORE attracted to him because of all the trust he has placed in me.

2. How can I steer him in more of a careful direction? Or should I even try? I am fairly certain it’s the thrill of the moment, that he doesn’t necessarily seek out men when attending the clubs, but that if it happens it happens. But I know him well enough to know that he can be self-destructive and I want to protect him if possible.

I feel like a lot has been dumped in my lap with this revelation, and I’m the only one he has EVER told, so I want it to be as positive as possible for both him AND me. This is all very new to me though, so I just don’t know where to begin. And also, would he be considered bi-sexual, bi-curious, or something entirely different? His brother is a completely “out” gay man who is married with two kids – so he’s comfortable/familiar with that lifestyle. I don’t think he has any interest in men outside the club, and said he wouldn’t even want to attend a club outside this particular city, but he definitely DOES find men sexually appealing.

OK I singularly lost all sympathy for you based on the main thrust of your comment: “I really don’t know what to do, but I am finding it hard to be affectionate and look at him the way I did before he told me”.

YOU ARE BIPHOBIC/HOMOPHOBIC. Fact! That’s your problem, its fine for you to find guys sexually attractive, but when a guy does you suddenly can’t feel attracted to him. He still have the same physical appearance and same qualities he always had. He hasn’t really changed, its just your perception of him that’s changed. Do you not see your basic double-standard? YOU ARE BIPHOBIC/HOMOPHOBIC.

Do I think you should try and conceive a baby? Fuck no! I think he should dump you! He can do better.

This is not a blog for girlfriends to come and wine about unattractive they find bisexual men. This is blog written to widen understanding about bisexuality, raise it profile and support people who are discovering their bisexuality. You are in the wrong place.

Said he loves me and that it doesn’t change anything about our relationship, but he is aroused by ‘Bisexual Porn’ and the thought of giving another man head.

He is a VERY masculine and I am finding it really hard to get my head around it, in no way would I have ever thought this was a possibility and it took two years of deleting history and me noticing searches like ‘big cocks’ online to come out.

It is hurting me so much that it almost feels like he’s cheated, but I know it’s not his fault. I really don’t know what to do, but I am finding it hard to be affectionate and look at him the way I did before he told me.

I don’t know what to do to be able to accept it, I am crying a lot.

He also told me that he has felt like this for 11 years and has never been able to tell somebody, and when he was a teenager he had sex with an older male and loved it.

I feel like the person I loved doesn’t exist. I really don’t know what to do.

He even admitted he is scared that it’s a possibility that his liking to giving head to another man may lead to changing his sexual preference.

I am so heart broken and scared. We were trying to concieve for a baby and now I don’t think we should any more. Please help me.

Can you truly be enough?

Short Answer: YES!

Let go of your own insecurities. Your man loves you.

Different people have different definitions of relationships, if those are yours and those are your terms and he’s happy with them then you guys have every chance of being happy. He says he doesn’t want a man right now… Great! Sounds like you are very compatible. As to whether you can believe him? – I can’t answer that, I don’t know him.

That’s a question only you can answer for yourself.

Bitheway

I don’t want to share him, whether I know about it or not, it’s still cheating and I’m not prepared to put up with that! I like girls too, I have never been with one and frankly, I’m fine with that, I am happy to commit to my partner, because I love him. My sexual desires are just that, sexual desires, my relationship means more to me than that. I expect the same from him. If I want to satisfy my urges, I can watch porn and I don’t mind if he does too! I’ll even do it with him! It’s all good! But when you chose to be in a relationship you should be aware that you are committing to one person and if that’s not enough for you then you shouldn’t be in that relationship. When you pair up with someone you compromise, you have to understand that you can’t always have your own way, that you are a part of someone elses life and they are a part of yours. I think that’s completely fair and logical.

Anyway, I spoke to him about it and he said he is committed to me, he doesn’t need a man and that he has done all he wants to do physically with men in the past, he says he watches gay porn and I’m fine with that, porn doesn’t threaten me, in fact I expect nearly everyone to watch it, I do! Do you think I should believe him?! I want to trust him! I have always had trust issues and I know that’s my problem! I just want him to be completely honest with me, if he needs to go and do his thing, fine, I can forgive him, I’m sure it’s been difficult for him, I understand what it’s like to be confused about your sexuality and the need to find yourself, I have done that and I want him to do the same, I just don’t want to be strung along while he does it, I don’t want my heart broken again, I’ve had too much heartache, I want to settle down and just be with one person, hard as people may find that to believe, there are those of us out there who are certain that’s what they want, though sometimes I think I’m the only one!

Forgive me, I am ranting at you! I guess I need to vent this and this seems like a good place to do it, with like minded people and those in similar situations!

All I know is that I am really, truly in love, I’m so sure of that, all I want is to get that back! I hope he means what he tells me! I hope he loves me too!

First of all try to take a calm view of this. No it does not mean your relationship is transient, no it does not mean your boyfriend will leave your for a man. In fact in my experience quite the opposite. Most bi-guys who come out to their girlfriends have no intention of leaving them.

However, if you want to stay with him, you may have to share him. But you don’t have to know about his other sexual partners, you can set whatever rules you want, you can ask that he doesn’t tell you about it all if you want. You can insist that he only sees men. You can insist he always comes home to you. Its up to you, but you may have to share him. Be rational about this, if you don’t let him see guys (and he wants to) then he will, and he’ll either just lie about it or dump you.

So, unless he’s prepared to be monogamous, you don’t get this relationship to pan out the way you want. Your choice is to accept that, or leave. But you generally don’t have to worry about him leaving you unless you forbid from seeing other guys.

Does that make sense?