I accidentally found these emails from my bf’s phone. He’s been receiving emails from a group he signed up. Emails contain links and pictures of naked men. The day I found those emails I was shocked, hurt, cheated and deceived. Everyday, I think about it but I act normal when I’m with him.

One day, he left his computer on. I looked at his history and favorites, they were mostly gay porn sites. I also found some pics he saved of muscled men wearing thong. He also has lots of hardcore gay sex videos and a few straight videos.

He doesn’t know I know. So one day I emailed him. I told him after all these years we’ve been together, you never even showed signs that you’re sexually attracted to me. And I also mentioned that our friends make fun of him for being vain. He replied and said he respects me and didn’t want to take advantage every time we were together. He said he’s not bothered by what other people think of him. Then, at the end he said, that he’s a lucky guy for having me in his life because whatever other people say, I told him I love him for who he is.

He acts manly and never would have suspected because he doesn’t check out other guys. He’s not the guy who’s likely to cheat either because he’s shy. He’s a good man with a good heart. Loving son and brother and cousin. He’s been nice to me. I love him dearly but every time I think about what I know and saw, it makes me sad and nervous…endless questions but no answer. Do I stay in this relationship? He always tell me that he’s in for the long run. I am so confused and don’t have anybody to tell. Sometimes I think of ways on how to get back to him for lying to me, but I can’t bring myself into. I am also guilty of invading his privacy, but after I saw those emails from his phone, I couldn’t help but investigate further.

Do I walk away from my dream guy gone gay? Actually, I don’t even know if he’s gay or bi.

Well generally speaking I think if your family has accepted you as Gay, they will be generally fairly accepting of you coming out as straight or bisexual.

Frankly I don’t think it matters if you tell them now or tell them when you have met that special girl. The downside to waiting is that they might assume that you “met a girl that turned you straight.” That it was all down to her rather than your own choices. Whereas if you tell them before you meet someone then they might start inferring and try to fit you up with someone. (Which may or may not be a bad thing.)

It really depends on what your family are like, you’re the best judge of how they are likely to react. But if they accepted you as Gay, then I can’t see how they would react negatively to you deciding you want to be with a woman.

Well generally its bad form to bring up your past sex-life on a first date. Straight, gay or bisexual, the way to woo your partner is to be approachable, relaxed, funny and interested in what they have to say. Once you’ve established that connection and you’ve both decided you like each other, then a few dates down the line, when you start to share more of yourselves with each other, then is the time to bring up your sexuality.

I’m an alternating bisexual, which basically means I can find myself attracted to men or women, as opposed to men and women, so as far my partner is concerned my sexuality is really an irrelevance to them. Still I tend to tell them about it fairly early on, but I generally wait until the 4th date. By which time I’ve established enough of a relationship with them to realise they can’t define me by my sexuality.

So 14 years and made the big coming out to my family that I’m gay and believe me that wasn’t not the happiest of times and now thinking of dating women.

I want things that I just don’t think a guy can provide so what do I do. And what would I say to a women and when should I tell her. On a first date sounds like a bit of a turn of to the whole affair before it lifts off.

I’m completely lost.

I actually don’t think him feeling disgusted or ashamed of himself has anything to do with any abandonment issues you may or may not have. The two are no way linked. One has to do with how he perceives his sexuality and the other has to do with into who’s arms you fear it might lead him.

What I’m slightly unclear about is whether he is ashamed of himself because he thinks he’s betrayed your confidence by replying to these emails or if he’s ashamed because he has some residual shame about his bisexual urges.

If its the later, then the only thing you can do to help is to reflect on his same-sex feelings in a positive way. This applies both inside and outside the bedroom.

Not sure if that helps.

But the descriptions he used of how he felt were ashamed/disgusted with himself/felt gross/etc…. not just I was turned on and that is that. And I really am worried that he has these kinds of feelings about himself more then anything. I know from reading other posts on this website that you think this goes back to an abandonment issue that I have, but honestly I really don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to feel disgusted in their behavior…. is there nothing I can do to help him from feeling like that.

Well, what now indeed? You are about to go away to college and separate from each other and you’ve decided to allow one another to see other people whilst you are away. You must both realise that if you go down this path, there’s a good chance that you will both meet someone else whom you like just as much or more and that your relationship could come to a natural end. Straight, gay or bisexual, the physical distance between you and dating other people by mutual consent whilst you are away is in fact a bigger threat to your relationship than your boyfriend’s sexual orientation.

If your boyfriend is smart and if he also has self-esteem issues and believes that you are too good for him. Then I’m willing to bet he’s worried about the prospect of you meeting someone else whilst you are away at college and you dumping him for someone “better”. If he becomes withdrawn 10-1 its because of this.

Finally, lots of guys have trouble expressing their feelings, and bi-guys in particular have a lot of trouble acknowledging their bisexuality. So if I were you I wouldn’t feel upset or surprised or blame yourself in any way for him taking 3+ years to tell you. He’s probably spent most of this time hoping these feelings would go-away so he wouldn’t have to tell you. If he’s the quiet type anyway, then the only thing you can do to make him open up more is boost his self-confidence in general. But frankly you are going to have preciously little opportunity to do this after the next month, especially if you are dating freshmen in Georgia, whilst he sits alone on his computer browsing tech forums in New York.

Its impossible to tell without asking him whether he engaged in this correspondence simply because he enjoyed the attention or because he has some unfulfilled sexual need that cannot be satisfied by a heterosexual relationship. However, not every bisexual requires heterosexual and homosexual encounters to feel fulfilled. That may sound like an oxymoron, but bisexual doesn’t just mean someone is attracted to both genders, it can also mean they are attracted to either gender.

Frankly I think if you love him and he loves you then you have nothing to worry about.

I want to say thank you for this site, it’s really refreshing to see an honest and open blog about such an extremely sensitive subject.

I don’t really have a question, just concern. My concern is really about my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and before that we dated in high school. In college he explored his sexuality, and has always been honest about them with me (at first I was confused, scared, etc., but I came to a realization that he loved me enough to tell me about the experiences). Since then I’ve done my best to be open and a little more adventurous in the bedroom (nothing to far from my comfort zone and he never put pressure on me, I would say that since he came out our sex life has only gotten better).

I worry though because I stumbled across some questionable emails. I brought them up, and he swears that nothing physical ever happened, he just really enjoyed being complimented and liked to fantasize. I believe him, but the way he explained it made it sound like he was ashamed of himself. I just hate to think that not only is he confused about himself, but also ashamed, and I want to help him feel better about himself. I just don’t know if me being with him, is helping him repress his true self. He’s only ever talked about his bisexuality with me, and I really think at the least he needs to have another person to talk to (one he’s not in a relationship with and afraid to offend).

I love him an amazing amount, and I know he loves me. I just want whats best for him and would appreciate any advice you can give.

Why would an all powerful, all knowing god care where we stick our penises? Its like asking Steven Hawkins to give a lecture on how to tie your shoelaces. Not a good use of his time and somewhat insignificant when you consider the scale of the universe.

To be honest I don’t think god cares (if he even exists at all). In contrast its religion that has the objection, because the more sins they have to beat us over the head with the more tools they have to make us feel worthless. The more worthless we feel the more we feel like we need religion.

But to get to the point. If your boyfriend is repressing his same-sex attraction because of an unhealthy dose of Christian guilt. Then the evidence suggests he is going to relapse. Christianity has proved to be a poor cure for homosexuality and same-sex attraction in spite of the claims of groups like Exodus International (two of their founding members when on to have what amounted to a gay-wedding ffs).

However, if he has generally has decided he prefers women and that’s where he wants lay his bed, provided this isn’t done out of sense of Christian guilt, then you’ve nothing to worry about.

My long distance boyfriend of 7 months just told me that several years ago he had a lot of questions about his sexuality. He had had girlfriends, but was still curious about and attracted to other men. He had two same sex relationships that he says were “as full blown as they could be” but they were never fulfilling to him. He said that although the attraction will always remain, it is something he will never go back to, and he considers himself lucky to be attracted to females as well. He assures me that he is supremely confident that he wants to live a straight lifestyle because he knows that a relationship with a man is not what he wants. Not to mention, we are both Christians and he had a sense of guilt as well. His last same sex relationship ended over 4 years ago.

Additionally, we have not had sex yet. He was unable to “keep it up” but it was also before he told me. Due to the distance, our chances for being intimate are few and far between. He is hoping that the reason he was unable to perform is because he knew he had such a big secret he was keeping from me, and didn’t quite have the comfort level with me that he wanted in order to be intimate.

He assures me he would never cheat on me and explained it as no different than any other relationship where you might find someone attractive but choose not to act on it.

I don’t really know what my question is. I’m having a hard time accepting that he had two actual relationships with guys. For some reason I’d feel more secure if it had been just a curiosity that fizzled out. Any advice or comments or insight into understanding him and his decision to live a straight lifestyle despite his ongoing attraction to men would be appreciated. Do I have anything to be worried about? Is this a red flag that could come back to haunt me?

Thanks a million.

I also really appreciate your advice about my fears of being cheated on and will take it to heart.

Thanks again for the thoughtful content of your blog, and for taking the time to help me and my boyfriend. It doesn’t go unappreciated that even though you should not have to be responsible for representing bi guys to their lovers, you do it anyway, with tact and compassion.

With due respect you are guilty of solipsism here. You are projecting your thoughts and fears into your boyfriend’s mind and assuming he’s going to share them.

He’s telling you he loves having sex with you. Yet you are choosing to ignore this or treat it with disbelief. And instead preferring to believe you are not satisfying him and that consequently he will inevitably cheat on you.

This is not a good way to approach things, its only going to make your relationship suffer. If you honestly believe that your boyfriend is your best friend and if you trust him, then you have to do him the courtesy of believing him when he tells you he “loves having sex with you”.

As for your boyfriend, well if you’d like him to reach orgasm more often, then the last thing you need to do is put more pressure on him to cum because you are feeling insecure.

From what you’ve written, it sounds boyfriend’s bisexual experiences have involved some level of power-exchange and predominantly placed him in a “bottom” (or submissive) role. In these encounters the “top” (or dominant partner) ultimately assumes responsibility for how the sex session pans out.

Now when a guy has sex with a girl, the girl is typically the bottom and the guy is typically the top. (This isn’t always the case but its the norm.) So if you’re boyfriend finds himself in the dominant role, he’s switching and assuming responsibility for the overall enjoyment of your sex life.

All of a sudden he feels has to worry about pleasing you, whereas when he was the bottom in a sex-session, he could just let his partner please himself.

The irony here is, you are worried you are not satisfying him, but the reality is probably that he’s trying too hard and putting too much pressure on himself to satisfy you.

So you both need to stop upping the stakes and worrying about sex and given your boyfriend’s history its easier for you to take the lead in this than him.

Work at making sex a no pressure encounter, no pressure to cum or to bring the other partner to orgasm. Treat everything from the odd quickie to the steamiest all night romp as perfect. Make it an exercise in intimacy rather than sexual performance.

Try to get the point where you can just cuddle up together, with or without penetration and just fall asleep in each other arms, and that be OK with no-one feeling they should have done more.

If you are having trouble working out how to do this, well simply suggest it. Tell him that you love him and that you love having sex with him but that tonight you just want to fall asleep in his arms, nothing more nothing less. And when you are cuddled up together, remember to tell him how happy you are. The purpose of this is to help him realise he can satisfy you without having to expand any great effort or put pressure on himself.

Do this often and slowly but surely you’ll both learn to relax. He’ll become less nervous about sex with you and he’ll climax more freely and you’ll wonder why you were ever worried that you weren’t satisfying him.

First of all, since he hardly ever comes, he’s always horny. It gets physically uncomfortable for me trying to keep up with his sex drive, but I try very hard to keep up because I want to satisfy him. We have been together a year, and I thought that as he got more comfortable in the relationship he would start coming. I have told him that I love having sex with him, and that sex can be fun even if it doesn’t end in an orgasm all the time, that he shouldn’t feel pressured, but that I’m willing to try different things if it will help him come. He says he’s still nervous having sex with me, and as soon as he’s conscious that he’s about to come he thinks “this is it! don’t blow it!” and he loses it. I’m worried that he may only able to relax and to come with people he’s strictly physical with. His first sexual experience was at age 8 with an adult man, and he’s had numerous and varied experiences ever since. Some of his experiences (including his fist experience) seem like abuse to me, but he does not classify them that way because he ended up enjoying them. He was also raised in a severely dysfunctional family with hard core pornography, and I know that he both enjoys and resents porn. He loves having sex with men he finds intimidating, and he talks to me about his past sexual experiences a lot.

This leads to my second issue, which is that I get insecure. He says that he loves having sex with me even though he’s not coming (he comes by himself, so he does have some relief), and I know he loves me and wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. I’m nervous that he’ll want to be physically satisfied with another person though, and will end up cheating on me. I have been cheated on a couple of times in the past with men I trusted, and while I really feel like my current boyfriend is different, I don’t want to be naive. I know that a lot of otherwise wonderful people justify cheating for all kinds of reasons. The idea of being cheated on worries me both for emotional and for safety reasons.

My boyfriend is a very considerate lover, my best friend, and like no other guy I’ve met in my life, but I am still nervous about talking to him because of my own issues about speaking up, and because I don’t want to make him more nervous about sex or nervous about talking openly to me about his sexuality. He is not “out,” so I’m the only one he talks to about being bisexual and the experiences he’s had. Do you have any recommendations? Should I/how should I talk to him about my concerns? Thanks for any advice. I’ve appreciated reading your thoughtful responses to past questions/comments.

Put aside your boyfriends sexual needs for a second, because there is something else that’s more pressing. You’re self-esteem.

If your boyfriend is crushing your self-confidence by telling you he thinks you are fat and ugly then you are with the wrong man. Straight, bisexual, gay is irrelevant.

Your concern should be wholly and solely based on this, not his sexuality. His sexuality is not caused and cannot be altered or influenced by you, so don’t try an take responsibility for it.

(NB: Its worth pointing out that not all bisexual men want to have sex with guys whilst in a relationship with a woman. Bisexuals are just as capable of being monogamous as straight guys.)

You’ve focussed on this interaction with a gay friend of a friend. Try rewriting your post but substitute your gay friend for an attractive girl. You’d probably still feel the same.

Its not about sexuality. That’s not the real issue. The real issue is how you’re boyfriend has been treating you and damaging your self esteem.

Had he been telling you how sexy and beautiful he thought you looked your self-confidence would be high. And you probably wouldn’t feel so threatened by him spending a couple of hours chatting with a gay guy, who was a guest in your home.

So take this back to the root cause, this is about your self-esteem, not his sexuality. We all need to feel attractive and if your boyfriend doesn’t make you feel attractive and is intent on damaging your self-esteem, you need to address this.

One final comment, most people who bully their partners in this way, do it because they feel inadequate themselves. They do it because they think you are too good for them, that you are going to leave them just as soon as someone better comes along. So they attack your self-esteem to bring you down to their level, to make you feel as unworthy of them as they feel of you.

Once you understand this you can address it.