Jun 22 2008
How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend
So you’ve just found out your boyfriend is bisexual. Now what?
Well that really depends on the matter you discovered his bisexuality. If he came out to candidly he probably needs a hug and a bit of moral support. If you caught him in bed with another guy (or a girl if you’re coming at this from the gay angle), then you probably are well within your rights to throw that Ming vase at him, call him every name under the sun and lock yourself in the bathroom crying.
Still whatever the circumstances, remember this, your boyfriend’s bisexuality is not a reflection on you. Its not caused by something you have or haven’t done, its not something you could have prevented. Its not your fault. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all, its just the way he is. He can’t help being bisexual, and believe me at some point, most of us have tried not to be.
CASE A: Your boyfriend just came out to you as bisexual
So how do you talk to bisexual boyfriend after this bombshell?
First know that he still loves you, he probably told you this in his coming out speech, if he didn’t, he meant to. The last thing he wanted to do was make you feel inadequate, he was just trying to be honest about his feelings and you were important enough to him to be the person he chose to share his secret with.
Know that he’s probably been agonising over telling you for ages, and probably tried several times and lost his nerve, frightened that you wouldn’t understand and that you’d leave him if you found out. It takes an awful lot of courage to come out as a bisexual, especially for men who find themselves already in a relationship, so its no surprise that many bisexual men don’t come out at all. Its made even harder if you or your spouse have deeply held religious convictions.
So now that you appreciate just how hard it was for your boyfriend to tell you he was bisexual, you are probably a little better equipped to deal with it and offer a supportive response. The best thing you can do right now is be accepting of his sexuality. Don’t argue with him about it, don’t call him gay (or ‘a breeder’ if you previously thought he was exclusively gay), don’t suggest its just a phase, be accepting and say something supportive. You probably have a million questions, but take a moment to make him feel good about his decision to tell you.
What does it mean for your relationship?
Well this is a question you should ask, probably after pouring each other a stiff drink. The answer is different for every couple. Your bisexual boyfriend, almost certainly won’t want things between you and him to change, but he may ask you to accept him seeing other people, which may seem like a big change for you. He won’t see it as such a big deal, because he genuinely does still love you, he just wants to sleep with people of the opposite sex to you now and again.
Equally though he may not ask anything more of you than occasionally renting a gay porno rather than a straight one, who knows perhaps you’ll enjoy watching it together? Yes there are bisexual men who don’t need relationships with both genders on the go at the same time.
The truth is each couple is different, how you deal with it and renegotiate the boundaries of your relationship is entirely unique to you and your boyfriend. But there are some basic rules you follow.
- Don’t agree to anything you are uncomfortable with.
- Listen and consider each request.
- Avoid saying “NO WAY” to something right away, offer to consider it and return with your decision.
- Keep a dialogue open and come back and discuss things further.
Any agreements you make are renegotiable. If you decide you can’t handle something you though you could deal with a few weeks ago, come back and say so. But don’t blame or resent your bisexual boyfriend for taking you at your word in the meantime.
Finally remember you are in a very special relationship. Your boyfriend loved you enough to tell you he was bisexual, he was being honest with you and being honest with himself. You share a special bond of confidence and honesty that a lot of relationships lack. This revelation is a blessing as much as a curse.
CASE B: You caught your boyfriend in bed with someone else and found out he’s bisexual
Pretty much the same as Case A, only for some reason, he didn’t have the balls to tell you. He probably wanted to, but was too scared of how you’d react. You are probably more hurt that he didn’t feel able to tell you than you are by the deception, but ten to a penny he keeping this a secret because he didn’t want to risk losing you. Now realising his mistake he’s really sorry that he’s hurt you.
Take some time, don’t talk whilst angry, but do keep channels of communication open, come back and talk about things and remember your bisexual boyfriend loves you, he always has.
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131 Responses to “How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend”
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Thank you for this! My situation was “Case A,” how apt that I read this on the 2-year anniversary of coming out to my girlfriend.
Glad to be of some help.
I should point out (for the sake of search engine optimisation) that this entry applies equally for those who discovered their husband is bisexual, just as much as it applies to unmarried couples.
I would agree that in both case scenarios communication should not die out. But what if your boyfriend kept it a secret for a couple of years and then decides to tell his girlfriend, I can imagine her being hurt and a bit recentful for the fact that he’s known her for so long, yet hold out a couple of years just to figure out if he was indeed bi or not.
Not only is he expecting her to accept and respect him but he’s ignoring her feelings in the process, regardless of how much he says he loves her and enough to tell her about his secret. At some point she was willing to give it all up for him, just find out a few years later that he’s bi and that he had no intention to settle down with her.
I think that this might be a bitter pill to swallow for someone and that at no point should a person’s feelings change towards each other. But, and I say this with very much love, it does not add up to the hurt and pain a person goes through when the person they loved turned around and said: “I’m sorry but I just don’t think I’m the man you’re looking for. I’ll always be your friend.”
I always make sure and tell ‘em right off the bat. And I never, ever apologize for it.
Hi Jamie
Its always good when you can do that, but I think a lot of guys find themselves in a relationship, when they have that Eureka moment. So often when you first come out, its not possible to have told your girlfriend up-front, simply because you didn’t realise what your bisexual feelings meant at the time when your started dating.
David
It’s obvious to me that this is a touchy subject. Even though my wife knew all along about my bisexuality (even before we started dating), it’s always been a difficult thing for her. As you’ve said before, sexuality is evolving all the time, and I definitely feel differently about my bisexuality today that what I used to feel 5 years ago. Also, the way that I express my bisexuality today is different from 5 years ago, and that’s something my partner needs to understand and learn how to deal with (and I’m not even talking about an open relationship!).
I’ve been so terrified of hurting my partners all along this process that I’ve hurt them sometimes. I’ve learned that the only way to avoid this is being brutally honest with myself and my partners, even when it’s only confusion that I have to share.
Hey Kid A,
So it’s been your 2 year anniversary of being openly bisexual and with your girlfriend?
How has it worked out? Do you have an arrangement for you to see men? Does she get involved?
Your reply would be really helpful as I’m trying to work out things with my boyfriend.
X
Cupid
p.s(thanks David for recommending this site)
[...] But by far the simplest solution is just come right out and ask him, though before you do I’d recommend you read my earlier post on How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend. [...]
Just recently my boyfriend came out to me. We had been together since the 8th grade- 6 years. I am also bisexual and had my suspicions about him, but I waited patiently for him to be comfortable enough to tell me. When he finally confessed, we decided that since we had been together so long, neither of us had been able to explore our sexuality. So, I gave him permission to have sex with other guys, but we have certain guidelines. It can have its moments of high stress in the relationship, but it also feels good to be in a relationship that is so loving and secure. Im just glad he no longer has to hide who he is.
Ok.. so I am one of those that it was kept hidden from. Loving someone for 2 years giving it my all, and then felt things were just not right.. one suspicion led to another..
Of course in talking with him, it was all denied…
The thing that has me angered the most is why is he trying to live a secret life? To allow one to fall in love with them and not be honest, I feel is just not right.
HELLO ALL, i would just like to say one thing -why on earth would a woman, having been in a relationship, settle for a bisexual man??
It’s almost as if you are giving him a free ticket to go off and do whatever it is to keep his life on the straight and narrow – SELFISH, he most definately is.
Girls, from a person who has been there and done that – one the bisexuality comes out, there is no where for a heterosexual relationship to go – unfortunately, rather than battling with one sex (being the opposite one) you are battling with two – it’s just too big an ask!
I was in love, and then i realised that actually, the life I wanted to lead was not with 3 people in the relationship, him, me and his bit of man from time to time – it is disgusting and to be honest, shows that a man as very little thought for his lady!
Bi = gay! Men that are bi are too afraid to bite the bullet. Opposite sex relationships are the norm, so staying in the safe zone is fine, until urges subside. Any man that wants to have sex with another man ..and then a woman..and then a man IS GAY.
Even though “Hardup” posted with what strikes me as an obviously forged email address and untraceable alias, I decided to publish her comment as an example of exactly the kind of bigoted prejudice bisexual men have to put up with.
Hardup: I’m sorry you had a shitty experience. But don’t tar us all with the same brush! Least of all because not all bisexuals want a three-way relationship (read: The Alternating Bisexual.) There are also many successful polyamorous relationships, particularly those where both partners have other sexual partners.
Right now you are blinded by your own anger at your ex-boyfriend, but that doesn’t give you the right to take it out on the rest of us.
Thank you so much for posting this, bitheway.
My boyfriend just came out to me last night. I know I didn’t act in the best manner as I could’ve: I cried and got really upset because my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and neither of us never really knew. He told me he never considered being bi after all these years because he was with me; however, after several things triggered his questioning of his orientation, he finally figured it out 2 weeks ago and didn’t know how to tell me. I’m the only one who knows and it’s really hard keeping this to myself because I want to discuss this with other people.
The thing I was most afraid of, though, was that he would leave me for another guy. I started getting paranoid as to how he realized he was bi because I thought, “Did he start seeing how hot some guys are?” and freaked out because I thought he’d be less attracted to me. However, he said that his newfound orientation didn’t change his love for me at all and that he still loved me very much and didn’t want to leave me…
Anyway, to shorten it up, my case was definitely Case A and I just needed some closure as to how to deal with the situation. I apologized to him for acting horribly tonight after reading this because I was being selfish and completely in my own shock instead of realizing how much it hurt him to hear me cry over what he told me. So thank you very much for helping me realize how much support he needs from me. I’m sorry this was so long, but I just really wanted to thank you very much for this advice. =)
Hi Alice – no problem. I’m sure you and your boyfriend will do just fine.
If you need to talk to someone about this, then you are very welcome to post any questions or comments you have here on the Blog.
There are also a number of other on-line resources which I’ve linked down the side of the page. In particular the Shy Bi-Guys Forum, which is normally a male only realm but they offer temporary membership to women with questions about by bi boyfriends or husbands, you might find this useful in the short term.
Tom Robinson’s web site Both Ways is also pretty good as is this guide I think I’m Bi what do I do now? from Bi Community News.
hiya, I have just found out my boyfriend is bi after 3 years of relationship. Im upset and confused and really need to talk to some one. pls email me at katie95183@hotmail.co.uk
kate
hey, I think that my boyfriend may be bi curious or something along those lines. I found some saved history on his computer on accident and its stirred alot of questions because I had absolutely no idea, he had it hidden very well. I asked him about it but he just jokes and stuff so I don’t know how to talk to him about it. The last thing I want to do is hurt him so it’s making me skurmmish to talk about it. I think he might be going still on craigslist and setting up meetings with guys and im just confused and really need to talk to someone…there isnt really anyone id feel comfortable talking to about it. I want us to stay together though, be able to talk about it, work out something where if he really needs to have pleasures from guys there has to be a way to incorporiating that and still being together. I dont think at all he is doing this because he isnt in love with me anymore or anything like that, maybe just exploring? If you could email me it would be great, thanks in advance!
hello, i am/ have been in a relationship with a guy for 2 years now. going into the relationship, i knew that my boyfriend was bi, but after getting to know him better i realized that it dosent change how i feel about him. besides, im bi myself. before him, i was a lesbian, now i have the mind frame of “falling in love with the person not the gender”….however, i know this may sound VERY VERY VERY contradictive or w/e- but its like i dont know how to deal with him being bi. knowing that i have to not only compete with females, but males also? like i said, we both knew about each other’s sexuality years ago, and before we decided to make it official. but that was years ago, we were both young and dumb in a sense, doing w/e just to have “fun”. now that were older, engaged, growing and learning as time flies, its [to me] time to move on and grow together. its time for us to become one and leave the past in the past….i dont know what to do or how to deal with it, i just feel that we both need to leave our “bi-ness” behind us and move foward. like i said, he deals with the same issue with me, but he is more accepting towards me than i am towards him. i accept it, but i wish that it wasnt as much as a problem. not saying that bisexuality is a problem, it just feels as if it shouldnt be a problem in our relationship. im confused and hurt because i feel as if im letting my mind tell me “oh, thats wrong” and “no one will accept your relationship”. i guess the true problem is that im afraid of dealing with our sexualities and how our relationship will look in the public’s eye. BUT I DEALT WITH THIS WHOLE ‘PRESSURE FROM THE PUBLIC’ BEFORE…i mean, i was a lesbian for years. and still have many lesbian and gay friends. i just never thought that this would come back into my home, my relationship, my love….and taunt me the way it is. please, i need some type of feed back….thank you all for helping…
Hi Lostinlove
I’m going to say to you what I said to Tricia in an email:
To hell with appearances, they aren’t important, what’s important is what you think and whether or not you love this guy and whether or not he loves you. I know its a cliché but love does conquer all.
If you love each other then any relationship is a pre-ordained success. John Lennon was right: “Love is all you need”. So fuck convention, if you love each other, then you’ll make it work.
[...] been a flurry of activity on my post “How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend“, for obvious reasons this is attracting comments from women, who have just discovered or at [...]
I have a problem with the idea of unconditionally accepting your bisexual boyfriend for a few reasons. I am what some people might call a “dominant” woman having an affair with a young man who has a live-in girlfriend. We met through an online posting. He was attracted to it because I am open to bisexual men and he was seeking a woman whom he could live out his fantasies with. I’ve found that many bicurious men seek out certain women as catalysts. Men might find it easier expressing their bisexual nature with certain people. Once they are in a relationship coming out becomes more difficult. One thing I will say in defense of “Hardup” is this: many people believe that cheating is cheating no matter what the gender. The example of my lover and me is an example. There is no telling whether or not your bisexual boyfriend will turn to another woman he feels is more accepting of his sexuality. I don’t necessarily agree that a girlfriend should provide complete acceptance when she catches her man with cheating with another man. Neither my lover nor me are innocents and I’ve tried talking to him about being honest with his girlfriend and with himself. Only time will tell if that day will come. Moreover, there is a strong likelyhood he would cheat on me as well if he were to choose me as his main girlfriend.
I just recently came out that I am bi to my girlfriend. We have been together for 3 years and always had an inclination that I was and would often say suggestive things about guys to me to see how I would react, she must have suspected something. So one day I decided to admit it. And boy did it not go well at all.
She just totally flipped out on me and made me feel like a bad person for being that way. I don’t want to be with guys and her in an open relationship but wouldn’t mind in experimenting with bi porn or even a threesome with another man. As the days have gone on, there has been a little change, telling me she won’t have sex with me because she feels uncomfortable and we won’t again until she is OK with it.
Its very difficult because it was so hard to come out, but she just has this stigma about it, with responses like “you are just going to go cheat” and “why are you with me if you like guys” and the constant questioning of if I care for her. I love her and would love to marry her but I need to get her to understand before we can move forward with our relationship. How can I get her to understand?
Hi Switch
Sorry your girlfriend didn’t take well to your coming out.
Clearly she needs a crash course in what it means to be bisexual. Getting her to read this blog would be a start, but there are other resources out there.
This PDF (although a little tricky to assemble in page order) is quite good:
http://www.bicommunitynews.co.uk/both_directions.pdf
And Tom Robinson’s site “bothways” is very good too
http://bothways.com/
Simple fact is a lot of bi-guys are monogamous (I am), a lot of straight men have affairs. What *I’d* say to your girlfriend is this: “If your boyfriend has been honest with you about his sexuality and he trusted you enough to confide in you, then on balance, don’t you think you can trust him when he says, he’ll never cheat on you?”
Re bitheway comments on 30 Dec:
How people find the pdf of ‘Both Directions’ hard to follow mystifies me – but then maybe I have spent a lot of my life fiddling with bits of paper to make flyers and such!
Sheet 2 goes on the back of sheet 1, sheet 4 on the back of sheet 3… (Reordering the pages so they flow 1, 2-3, 4-5 makes it a nightmare to print out and assemble in the right order and it’s there as a pdf principally for people to print out and distribute)
Is there some magic form of words you can come up with that I should get added to that web page?
Hi Jen
Sounds like that’s not the first time you’ve heard someone say the PDF is tricky to assemble.
Fact is ppl don’t tend to have dual sided printers at home, we’re used to blank side to every sheet, and a lot of ppl will read it without printing.
For on-line distribution, I’d be tempted to reformat the PDF so it was 1 page per sheet, rather than 4, that way you could browse it on-line without printing and no assembly would be required if a home user decided to print it.
The current format only works if you are doing a professional print and producing a booklet to hand-out. That might work at bi-con, but at home its not what folks want. Instead they want something they can read on-screen or print with their inkjet. Least that’s what I want.
I have discovered that my boyfriend might be bicurious or bi sexual. He had admitted in the beginning of our relationship that he had a bisexual experience in the past. He was a receiver but not the giver (you know what I mean). It was not something he enjoyed and he would never do it again. I recently discovered that his experiences were much more than that. He at one time called himself bisexual and looked for people to share bisexual experiences with. I really care for him a lot. I am lost. He doesn’t know that I know yet. This stuff happened long before I was ever in the picture.Can a person have these sort of sexual struggles and come to the final conclusion that it’s not for them? I haven’t even had the courage to face him with this until I sort it out within myself. We are compatible with most everything except this. I am a straight female that has many gay and bisexual friends. I love them regardless of their sexual orientation. I can handle this if I have the security in knowing it’s behind him and it has no bearing on the relationship we have now. Can that even be possible? I am not sure if I am even ready for approach. I wish he would have told me on his own. In his shoes, I don’t know if I would have been able to tell it either. I am a very honest and open individual but this leaves me looking at what I would have done. I see his side. I am sure it has to be more than difficult. If it’s something he has put behind him than he may not want to share it anyway. Any advise?
Sounds like your b/f was fairly honest with you from the start. So he told you he had bi experiences, but didn’t tell you he identified as “bisexual”. Big deal! Would you crucify him if he said “I used to vote republican,” but didn’t mention he was once a paid up member of the GOP?
The two go hand in hand, get used to the idea.
To answer your question: Sexuality is a continuum, that is to say, our desires can change over time, your boyfriend may well not have any further desires to explore his bisexuality and may now identify as straight. But even if he still identifies as bisexual that DOES NOT MEAN HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU!
I’m bisexual and I would never dream of cheating on someone I’m dating. I just might date a girl this year and a guy next, until I find my soulmate, whatever gender they happen to be, then I’ll settle down. On the surface that will probably make me look either straight or gay, but scratch beneath that and I’ll always be bisexual. (IE: Capable of falling in love with a man or a woman.)
I don’t know why that makes women feel so threatened. For every straight man, there probably more than one woman in the world he could fall for. So Why does this seem so threatening when the range of people a person could fall for spans both genders?
And frankly if you are going to be accepting of people’s sexuality you can start by being accepting of your boyfriend’s sexual orientation, whatever that might be today.
Very insightful and exactly what I needed. Thanks bitheway.
My boyfriend of 4 months confessed he thinks he’s bi. He said he had been with guys past years but not recently. I had millions of questions about his past but couldn’t go over the detail since I was in tremendous shock but he mentioned he had been uncomfortable about who he is and he’d been sad and depressed about it.
I was compassionate and supportive when he confessed to me. Although I love him for who he is, in deep inside of me I felt I was deceived and he should have told me his sexuality sooner. Especially since he had intercourse with other men it should have been his responsibility to tell me so before he slept with me. Now I feel my health is threatened.
He says he loves me but now I know he is curious about other men. I’m a straight female who has lots of gay, lesbian and bi friends and I’m open minded. I myself think some women are so gorgeous and I can mentally connect deep with my female friends. However, it’s still hard for me to accept he is/could be attracted to some men “sexually.”
He has been hurt by people who cannot accept him who he is. I would like to be supportive for him and accept him for who he is but I’m not confident to keep our romantic relationship going. I would always have fear that he would wonder what it would be like to be with a man when he is with me. I know many bisexual men ended up with men even after they were married and had children.
I really wanted to be happy with him but I’m still stunned and I feel hopeless to keep us going. I feel like we should be just friends if we could. I think having sex confuses me and confuses him. Honestly, I’m not sure what to do. I appreciate any advice. Thank you!
Its difficult to offer specific advice as each individual relationship is so different. But here are some general observations:
I’m always surprised to hear that women feel ‘deceived’ that their boyfriends didn’t declare their bisexuality sooner. This assumes that their boyfriend was able to quantify their sexuality before this time. Believe it or not many people (including academics) wrongly believe that bisexuality is an exclusively female condition. So its not wholly surprising that a lot of bi-guys struggle to apply to he bisexual label to themselves.
Most I’m sure, like myself, spent years confused as to whether they were straight or gay. The option of a third way doesn’t always occur to us immediately.
As to your sexual health – well if he’s had male partners in the last year (and used protection) then the risk to you is minimal and arguably far less than had had he been sleeping around having unprotected sex with women. Its also worth pointing out that anal sex – which is no doubt where your concerns lie – is just as common amongst straight couples as gay partners. So your concerns about sexual health should not be based on your partners sexuality, but instead on their sexual practices – ie: did they use a condom?
Finally it seems to me that both you and your boyfriend are confused about bisexuality and what it means for you, can I suggest you keep reading the blog and in particular take a look at the following articles:
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/bisexuality/
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2008/05/28/13-types-of-bisexual/
OK. So me and my ex girlfriend had been together for a while and were in love. We had a perfect summer together and when she went off to college I would visit her, we would have sex like 24/7 and we were happily in love.
Now I don’t know what to do. She found out about my past sexual relations with a good friend of mine who is a guy. In my personal opinion sexuality is irrelevant and I do who I want with no labels thrown in confusing things. She dosent feel that way. She feels like I should have told her before we got together that I was “bi”. I tried to explain to her that I still really love her and don’t want things to get screwed up over something so stupid. I cant seem to get through to her though. She says its a turn off and she dosen’t think she can be with me any more because its physically unattractive that i did stuff with a guy. She also said she was afraid of me cheating on her with another guy and checking out other guys when I’m with her. I assured her that I was into her and only her. I told her I’m not interested in other girls never mind other guys.
But I refuse to not be true to myself and act like I’m not into guys sometimes because I am. By the end of our conversation she said she wasn’t sure how she felt any more and she’s confused. She said she had to go because she was about to cry.
To make things more complicated I had sex with another girl while we were together and it didn’t even bother her. The fact that I did things with a guy before we were even together bothers her more than the fact that I cheated on her with a girl.
I NEVER ask for advice on anything but I really feel for her and she felt for me and we had a good thing together and I don’t want to let her go. Yet her ignorance is making me about to just say forget it. I guess its one of those knowing when to give up or when to try harder things. It’s hard though because I really love her and I know deep down she loves me too, but just cant get past this. I just wish I could make her understand.
Any help? I’m lost, confused, angry, hurt. I feel like she should love me regardless of the fact that I can go either way sexually. I see it as nothing while she seeing it as everything.
Hey Irritated,
You’re completely right, she should love you irrespective of your sexuality. You have every right to feel angry. And you are right, this is no big deal – and should not be a big deal to anyone.
Fact is she clearly has a prejudice and frankly she sounds homophobic/biphobic. Yes – its homophobic/biphobic to find someone physically unattractive because they once had sex with someone of the same sex.
What can I say? You’re in love with a biphobe, I can’t tell you to dump, her all I can say its this isn’t your fault and its not your hang-up. Its hers, all hers.
thanks for the advice. we just got back together a bit ago lol
OK, my boyfriend of 2 years I bisexual. I know he is and have known from the beginning and I am fine with it. I know he has had boyfriends in the past and done things with them and I am fine with that.
But recently my boyfriend asked me have a threesome with another guy, and I’m not to sure if I am going to be OK with this. He has reassured me so much that I’m not setting myself up to be hurt, that after it has happened it wont ruin or relationship and that he wont cheat on me or do anything with another guy while he is with me (which he hopes is forever). He says that he will still love me as he always does and he will love me more than anyone else from both sexes and that he will not turn completely gay because he likes straight sex with me too much to be able to turn gay. And that if I really don’t feel comfortable with it then we wont do it
And all that is all very reassuring and I want my boyfriend to be able to be who he is and not have to deny it, but I dunno if I will be able to see him with another guy. I dunno how this will affect our relationship afterwards. I know he says it wont, but my imagination is very wild.
I would like advice please, has anyone been in this sort of situation before? If so how did it go?
I need help on this please.
e-mail me on kelly.potts@hotmail.co.uk If you have any advice for me
Please don’t tell me to leave my boyfriend, I love him too much and I cant cope without him.
I was with my (supposedly straight) boyfriend for 5 years before he told me of his sexual attraction to men. Now I’m not a bigot, but the man I was attracted to and developed a relationship with had told me that he was straight for 4 years. So finding out that it wasn’t the case was a HUGE blow. Especially when he told me that he’d had these thoughts, fantasies and attractions before we’d met.
As much as I loved him, and still do, I can’t be with a man who has sex with other men. Period. I’m not anti-anal either, lots of straight men enjoy anal. They just enjoy recieving it from a woman.
Instead of asking him to repress who he felt he was, or doing things I wasn’t comfortable with, I broke it off. He’s still dating women and has yet to confide in any girlfriend he’s had since me. Probably because of the rejection he found with me once he had told.
Being bi isn’t something I think is wrong or bad or anything like that, but springing it on someone who has grown to love you as a straight person isn’t exactly confidence inspiring. Either tell them from the beginning or keep that particular fantasy to yourself.
Besides that, sexual orientation has nothing to do with whether or not you’re faithful to your partner. Having bi feelings is completely different from acting on it and expecting your partner to be ok with you having sex with other people.
Hopeful Romantic,
Am I to assume from your post that you dumped your boyfriend just because you were uncomfortable with the bisexual label?
Because, lets be honest, your boyfriend has always been bisexual. He didn’t become bisexual when he finally labelled himself as Bi and came out to. So you fell in love with a bisexual. You just didn’t know it, that is not a reason to dump anybody.
There are many reasons why people don’t come out, in spite of having bisexual fantasies. One reason is fear of rejection (which in this case seems rightly placed). Another is denial, where the person treats his bisexual fantasies and feelings as a dirty secret. But more common than not the reason is ignorance about bisexuality and been unable to put a label on your feelings.
All of these feelings combine to keep bi-guys in the closet and unable to talk about their feelings. Its not intended to be deceptive, but social prejudices don’t help us come to terms with our feelings easily.
I really hope there were other reasons why you ended the relationship because not all of us bisexuals want concurrent relationships. Being bisexual can simply mean that a guy is capable of falling in love with a person of either gender. It does not always mean they want to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time.
Hi, I’m having troubles with my current BF of 2 years. He has had sex with one man before but it was “purely physical” and they did it even while his partner was in a hetero relationship. He says he’d never be in an emotional relationship with a guy and says he’s totally straight, which I think is BS. Although this is the past, I’m having a hard time forgiving him not only for doing it with a “committed” man but it also makes me extremely insecure because he doesn’t see it as cheating.
I have had bisexual tendencies myself so I told him that if he should be free to experiment so should I. He totally rejected it saying that it was a breach of trust because I was more prone to fall in love with my female lover.
I know that being bisexual doesn’t mean he’s going to cheat on me with a guy/girl.
I do have the fantasy of having gang sex and we have a lot of MFM porn. Some are MtF porn. But I don’t think it’d work in a monogamous relationship, which I want. I’m not even sure if he wants it either…he’s never cheated on anyone (the closest thing is the above situation) but because he was “close” to it, I’m scared.
I want to accept him as he is, and I am trying. But sometimes while we are intimate he blurts something about MFM (sometimes about his male lover) and it turns me off. I know I shouldn’t dump him on just being bi…but we fight because I feel more insecure and want to leave.
I am the most “serious” GF he’s had and I’ve been battling this feeling for so long. We live together so I do know what he does at night…and he always comes home on time. But I have this dark fear that he’s with another guy (I found a toy but he’s never used it in front of me)…is my intuition right or should I try to trust him?
And is he a closet gay? He says he wants to have kids, and wants a wife, and I’m sure he likes women…but I feel inadequate because when I use a strap-on he always says it doesn’t feel “like the real thing”…so I give up.
Phoebe, it sounds like this is more your issue than your boyfriend’s.
Clearly your boyfriend is not entirely straight, but neither is he closet gay. The writing is on the wall here, you know and he knows it, he’s bisexual.
OK so before you met, he had an affair with a guy who was in a hetero relationship. I suppose he doesn’t see this as cheating because he hadn’t promised himself to anyone. The other guy was the one cheating on his girlfriend.
That’s probably not entirely in-line with your moral view-point and I have some sympathy with you take on that relationship, but as you observed, your boyfriend has never cheated on you or anyone else whilst *he* was in a relationship.
I’d say you are fairly safe with him. From what you’ve said it doesn’t seem like there is any suggestion he would cheat on you, though I fully expect he might ask you to entertain the idea of a threesome. )
Still if you are feeling insecure tell him, if he’s smart he’ll make effort to reassure you and demonstrate just how much he loves you.
PS: Your boyfriend is right, strap-ons are nice, but nothing like the real thing.
I’m feeling quite confused at the moment.
I got together with my boyfriend for about 3 months ago and he was always honest with me about being bi — and also a virgin. He had done stuff with men, very little if anything with women — and had never had full sex with either sex before. He keeps saying that he thinks his boy phase is over, but he is also quite open about being into guys, as well as girls.
We have a fantastic relationship — we both fell very heavily in love with each other and we have a really amazing rapport and love doing the same things together. I’m comfortable with him being bi — as long as he really is into me.
The problem is that we have only managed to have sex three times –always with me on top. He doesn’t seem to have a great deal of interesting in penetrating me and when he has tried he has not quite been hard enough to do it. We do all the foreplay but we alway seems to end up masturbating rather than having sex with me. This is becoming increasingly an issue for me.
On Saturday we had an incredibly romantic and perfect day. He is quite coy about his bisexuality and we were talking in a very intimate and romantic setting and I asked him if he had always known he was bi. He told me about some very early sex play he had got up to with a boy when he was 8 or 9. He told me that he thinks he likes the aesthetics of girls but the raw cockness of men. I told him that I felt that I knew that he was really attracted to me and really into me but that I felt that women weren’t really where his sex drive – his thrust if you like, lays. he just went quiet and said ‘sorry’. I suppose I was looking glum or serious because he asked me if I was ok, and said that I didn’t look ok. I replied, not meaning to be cruel, but I can see that it hurt him, that ‘I don’t want to be your straight experiment that is not quite working.’ He said ‘is this not working then?’ and I said ‘well only that you haven’t ever ….’ The next thing I knew he was not speaking to me, and had gone cold and was just going to go home. It was only later at the station that he saw me in tears that he came back to me and we worked things out in the morning.
At the moment I don’t know if he just is not interested in sleeping with me, is just too nervous, wants to but doesn’t really fancy me/women enough or whether he has erectile problems or whether I am just wanting too much too soon!
I absolutely love the time we share together and I want to be understanding and accepting of him and not put added pressure on him — and yet I also have to deal with these feelings/worries/frustrations too!
This article was so reassuring for me.
My boyfriend of 2 years is a bisexual and I have known this from when we first started dating. He fancies guys but says it is purely on a physical level. We have an amazing relationship and I love him very much, and this is why we have an arrangement that he is allowed to sleep with other men.
However, this is not easy. as a straight, monogomas girl all I want is my boyfriend to be satisfied with just me. I know it is not his fault, but it doesn’t make it an easy thing to let happen.
Love does hurt sometimes.
Hi Galatea
A lot of guys are insecure about sex, but its not “manly” to show these insecurities.
Of course you have a right to be sexually fulfilled. But if he is just lacking in confidence, telling him he’s not done enough is only going to be counter-productive. Build him up don’t put him down.
Find out what turns him on, you might just need to get a bit kinky, give him the confidence to suggest his fantasies by sharing yours, invariably you can both enjoy each others.
When you have each others trust in the bedroom, you are in a stronger position to figure out what his issues are without asking questions which are liable to dent his confidence.
That’s actually really helpful. thank you!
This is such a hard subject to deal with. And, just like being bi, there is no “one” answer or way to feel about it. I’m not homophobic, but my bf being bi is still hard to deal with. Before I was emotionally involved with someone who is Bi, I thought people should just be who they are and find someone who loves them that way. I have an aunt who was straight (married) and then decided she was a lesbian (and married again) and totally not into guys now. I don’t have any close experience (before him) with bisexuals. My gay uncle says no men are bi, just gay waiting to come out. I think that is all bullcrap. I think you can be both, or one then the other. But, even with this background, when I caught my man doing the “guy” thing, I flipped.
And, honestly I do feel upset that he didn’t share this with me. We’ve been together 3 years, he was doing it for 5 years before me. It was a year ago that I found out (I caught him), we broke up for a month (to give him space to figure it out and to go try it without “cheating” on me), and then 11 months of no “guy” stuff and now 2 months ago it starts again. So, every time I ask for advice on a website (I wouldn’t talk about it to anyone I know-I would never betray him like that) I get this “you’re homophobic” bullcrap. But, he’s had years to deal with it, and I just found out when a message popped up on the computer (I’d come over and he dropped the screen and acted funny) but the IM popped up from a guy saying how much he liked my BF ****ing him the last time and can’t wait til tonight. I’d had no time to deal with it or come to terms with it. Total shocker to me. Then, I’m supposed to just be ok with it immediately?
I never would have chosen to have a bi relationship. And, even if it seems unaccepting or phobic to some, being lied to weakens trust and then you wonder if they’ll lie about doing things too and all of a sudden you don’t just have to worry about him with girls, but with guys as well. Intellectually, I know he’s not attracted to every member of the female population and so won’t be to every guy, but it “feels” like you have the whole dang world to worry about now.
Further complicating things (at least in my book) is that this desire seems to ebb and flow. I have always felt like I can deal with what I know, but with (his) bisexuality, you can’t deal because it changes.
He finally admitted to having sex with guys before me. He says he’s straight, doesn’t want emotional commitment with men and just had hookups where he’s the top and the receiver on oral. We broke up to give him space and let him try out the guy thing. He had a couple of experiences and then came back and said it was the idea of it he liked, but he doesn’t want it and loves/wants to be with me.
Then, he wanted to do it again. We decided to allow him “safe” hookups with guys. It is always emotionally traumatic. I start out supportive, and while he is gone end up falling apart. He says guys give better head and I feel like I’m lacking there. It ends up affecting our sex life, because I feel like I’m not enough for him and THAT makes me feel bad about myself, unattractive and UNsexual.
I really do want to understand and be supportive. But, I have to do meditation and self talks to be comfortable with it and then I am much better. (I am very monogamous by nature). But, I have to kind of “steel” myself for it (it’s only been 2 months since we’ve decided to be “open”-I’m working on it). But, I ask him to be honest about his needs/desires. One day, he really wants men and then the next he’s telling me he doesn’t want it at all. I understand that it is not static, but when he says he doesn’t want it, I am not bracing myself and then he will call when I am not balanced and am off center and say he met someone–can he go?
Surely you feel the desire, the need, the whatever coming don’t you? I wish he could forewarn me that he’s looking and wanting it, so I am prepared. I know he is confused, and didn’t want to be gay, doesn’t want to be bi, is worried about the social stigma and is hurting, but dang it! So, am I!
I think that is the hardest thing about it. You think you’re in a straight monogamous relationship and then Bam! you’re in a bisexual one. He tells me he doesn’t want the guy thing anymore–it’s over, he’s come to terms with it, he just wants me. I know my confusion stems from HIS confusion, but I can’t seem to get my feet on steady ground.
I wish he would just say “Yes, I’m bi. I want to have sex with men, but I love you.” I’ve asked if I can be present and he “doesn’t want me to see him that way”. I want to be involved and part of his life. He wants that separate (at least for now). He doesn’t want to watch gay/bi porn with me. He doesn’t want to tell me about the “guy” thing.
How do couples work that out? How does the straight partner deal with it? And, I know labels are a bad thing, but how can you call yourself straight if you’re a guy having sex with guys? And, does it really matter if you’re just the giver on anal and the receiver on oral? Isn’t it just really about being with a guy? Because we do anal and oral and he still wants something else. So, it’s not the “act” it’s what gender you’re doing it with.
Any true advice or help would be appreciated.
Galatea,
Your description of your boyfriend could have been a description of me some years ago. My early experiences with both men and women were pretty disastrous because I was always so nervous that I would often go soft, and then felt useless and awkward. You sound frustrated that so many of your attempts at intimacy with your boyfriend end with masturbation rather than intercourse, yet, in my experience, that’s precisely how the problem was overcome. Over a period of time, with partners who gave the time and attention, I found that my sexual confidence grew as we spent time cuddling, kissing, massaging and masturbating each other. Indeed, some of my most intimate and affectionate experiences were of this sort. I would plead with you to be patient with your boyfriend – if he feels as awkward as I once did, he’ll value your patient love and attention.
Thanks Marston, I really appreciate your comment – and will do my best to be more patient… its not like all that other stuff isn’t fun!
Rampant Confusion,
I’ve been pondering what you wrote since I read it a few days ago, and I’m still uncertain what to say. Clearly, you are hurting badly as a result of your boyfriend’s behaviour. It seems to me that he is behaving very selfishly, which is the sort of thing that can often give bisexuality a bad name. But, sadly, many of us have behaved selfishly in the past – the fear and confusion that goes with realising that you might be bi tends to allow you an excuse to do that. I’m not defending his behaviour, just pointing out that that tends to be how it sometimes is.
Ultimately, if your relationship is to survive, you and he need to be able to be clear about the boundaries. Are you willing, in the long term, to be part of an open relationship? It sounds as if this arrangement hurts you, which is entirely understandable if you are an essentially monogamous person yourself. Is he ever going to be able to be clear and honest about what he wants? It sounds as if he is a long way from that at the moment, and it will take time before he gets to that point. I don’t really know how couples manage this sort of thing: my experience of trying to manage an open relationship ended in tears. (Is there anyone out there with experience of making these things work successfully?)
It ‘s perhaps a bit of a cliche to say that communication is essential to any successful relationship, but like all cliches it has a core of some truth in it. I suspect that if you and your boyfriend want this relationship to work, you will need to keep talking, and each need to be honest with each other. And that includes you being honest with him about the pain that you are feeling: he may be confused and angry about things, but he still has responsibilities towards you. And you should not feel guilty about the fact that you are finding this difficult: it is a hard thing for you to have to deal with.
I don’t know if any of this has been very helpful, but I hope that it might be.
Hey, i just came out to my girlfriend that i was bisexual last night.
She was pretty ok with it at first, she just acted a bit awkward. Later the night we got into a huge argument about her jealousy issues.
Before i came out she had a huge problem with me hanging out with the opposite sex but now that i came out she says she has a problem with me hanging out with the SAME sex =. I really dont know what to do because i thought she would be cool with it. I also, really would like to try having intercourse with members of the same sex, just to experiment it wouldn’t be to hurt her.
Lately I have just been having these strong urges to have sex with other guys and I know shell never be OK with that we’ve been in a relationship for 2 years and i have no clue what to do but in really love her and i don’t want to lose her I would just want to experiment with other guys to see how I feel. I’m really confused, and I feel that it is really necessary for me to experiment with members of the same sex to see if I really am bi. I really don’t know what to do my girlfriend is really jealous and insecure please help!!!! =]
My bf is bi, and I can not deal with it. I find it very upsetting and I always wonder if he’ll come out one day and tell me he is gay. Though he says he is not gay, he is bi. He is very young and I am older than him. We love each other very much and live together. We are currently in a monogamous relationship, but I always wonder if he will cheat on me or tell me at some point he needs/wants a guy. He came out to me and himself after yr of dating. We were not exclusive during that time, though I never knew how many woman he was with and that he was bi.
I feel as if he will never be truly mine.
Hi Mary
Like your boyfriend, I’m Bisexual. I too am in a monogamous relationship with a women who is also older than me.
I have no interest in dating anyone else and if my feelings about this woman are as strong as I think they are I probably never will want anyone else.
Being bisexual does not necessarily mean you need have relations with both sexes. For an Alternating Bisexual like me it just means I have the capacity to fall in love with either gender.
Now that you are going steady, you have no more reason to fear him cheating on you with another guy than with a woman.
Hi Marston, (if you see this)
You responded to my message (above) a little while back saying that I need to be patient in bed with my guy and not be pushy on the sex front because “if he feels as awkward as I once did, he’ll value your patient love and attention.”
I’m really trying to do that and haven’t mentioned sex at all since that night although on his suggestion I bought some toys that we’ve been having some fun with — and I see that as progress in a way, just in terms of becoming more confident with each other!
But what I was wondering is, what is that used to make you feel awkward? Was it just because your experiences had all been with guys and so you weren’t sure what you were doing with girls or something else? Sorry I don’t mean to turn this into something about you — I’m just wondering what he might be going through! Others might have input too.
Thanks!
Hi Bitheway,
Thank you for your reoply. I am having a tough time with this. It’s the visual that bothers me too. How does your gf deal with your past? my bf claims to be Hedonistic Bi,
but I have my fears. We talk all the time and he is very understanding but he is getting tired of my questioning. Do you have any advice for me, I want to just love and enjoy him and I know am pushing him away.
How can I just except that he is sexually open minded, without the fear that he is gay and will come out one day.
He’s a great guy and I adore him.
Thank you,
Mary
Hi Galatea,
It’s good to hear that you and your bf are beginning to find ways of having fun that don’t put him under pressure. I’ve been giving some thought to your question, and I think there were two big things that made me feel awkward in my early sexual adventures.
Firstly, I am quite a shy person, and found the intimacy of being naked and physically close to another person quite threatening. In a situation of physical intimacy, you are revealing something of your self, and I felt very vulnerable in that situation. In my case, it probably didn’t help that all my early experiences were casual encounters with people I didn’t know – I was terrified of rejection by friends that I fancied, and so went off in search of sex with strangers – not a happy situation for someone who is shy and craves affection as well as sex. And that fear can be cumulative for a guy: once you’ve experienced the loss of an erection, you can be fearful that it will happen every time you try to have sex, and so you feel more anxious, and so it happens again, and so you get caught in a cycle, which is why it’s important to focus on other things for a bit to take the pressure off. That fear of intimacy could affect people of any sexual orientation, so is not a specifically bi problem.
But the second thing is more particular to being bi. I was in such a state of confusion about my orientation, that I was desperate to try everything quickly in order to resolve the question. I wanted to bed a woman to prove that I was not gay, but I also wanted to try sex with a guy to be sure that I had ticked all the boxes and tried all the options. It meant that my experiences were actually rather clinical, and lacked any sense of fun and spontanaity. I guess plenty of straight guys lose their virginity in an attempt to prove something to themselves, but struggling with my bisexuality left me anxious that I was about to commit myself to the ‘wrong’ sex – hardly the right frame of mind in which to approach intimacy with another person.
Alongside these problems was the fact that I was suffering from depression for quite a while, and I think that probably complicated matters – it certainly added to my sense of vulnerability when with another person.
Of course, I have no idea whether your boyfriend is experiencing the same things that I was: he may well be experiencing very different things. What I do know is that relationships in which there was real affection and real care were the things that helped resolve these things for me. I’m now happily married, and my wife turns me on so much that it seems almost incredible that I once found it difficult to penetrate a woman.
I hope this is helpful.
Hey, You never responded to my last comment. i just came out to my girlfriend that i was bisexual last night.
She was pretty ok with it at first, she just acted a bit awkward. Later the night we got into a huge argument about her jealousy issues.
Before i came out she had a huge problem with me hanging out with the opposite sex but now that i came out she says she has a problem with me hanging out with the SAME sex =. I really dont know what to do because i thought she would be cool with it. I also, really would like to try having intercourse with members of the same sex, just to experiment it wouldn’t be to hurt her.
Lately I have just been having these strong urges to have sex with other guys and I know shell never be OK with that we’ve been in a relationship for 2 years and i have no clue what to do but in really love her and i don’t want to lose her I would just want to experiment with other guys to see how I feel. I’m really confused, and I feel that it is really necessary for me to experiment with members of the same sex to see if I really am bi. I really don’t know what to do my girlfriend is really jealous and insecure please help!!!! =]
Thanks Marston, I really appreciate your comment and the time you took to respond.
I ve been in a relationship with a guy for almost 3 months. A few weeks ago he wanted to ask me a serious question so I said, sure what is it? He asked me how i came out, because I m bi sexual and he thinks he is as well. I asked him what his feelings are and if this is the first time he has felt this. He was telling me he is curious about doing sexual acts with guys but does not think he could get emotionally attached so I told him he is probably just bi cuious; I have a few friends who are. Everything was fine after that but two days ago he was acting wierd. He said he is losing sleep over it and thinks he might be able to have an emotional attachment to men, and does not know who he is. I also learned his parents would tell him from an early age homosexualitly is wrong. I m trying my best to be there for him and give him advice. I know he is still struggling with himself, is there anything else I can do to help him.
Amanda, I think the best thing you can do for your boyfriend is to let him know that you will love him and accept him no matter where his personal journey takes him. If he is reassured that you have his back (and trust me, he will need to be told over and over) and that it is possible for him to be bisexual, a real man, AND in a relationship with you, all at the same time. If he feels like he can explore his desires in safety, then eventually he will progress through his panic and start some healthy, constructive soul-searching.
It sounds like so far your reaction has been exactly what he needs, so that’s cool.
Shane, it’s hard to know what to say. It sounds like your girlfriend has issues of her own that need some work, especially if she can’t even deal with you having female friends. Jealousy is an awful thing, but it can be instructive – if you can follow it back to its source, you may be able to find the deepest roots of your fear and insecurity and (hopefully) work on healing them.
Now that she knows you’re bi, though, it seems she won’t be able to deal with you having non-sexual friendships with either gender. This, to me, sounds like an unworkable situation – when her insecurity totally eclipses your happiness then something is seriously wrong, and the relationship must either change or end.
Either way, I hope you can work things out and find happiness. *hug*
well i can relate to this my boyfriend recent tell me that he bisexual i really did not know to handle it so what should i do to be supportive
Happy to say that thanks to patience and not letting him see that I was getting worried that his sexuality was the issue, my problem has resolved itself! Thanks for letting me get out my worries here — rather than putting extra stress on him!
Ok…I’ll start by saying I’m in love with my bisexual boyfriend of 4 months. The first day we met, he let me know that he was attracted to me. I knew he was bi when we started dating (he told me about 2 weeks after we met!) So about after a year of being friends, he told me that he had sex with a guy and other “minor” things. That was before we met. I was a little uncomfortable at first but we were just friends. Now that we’re on a deeper emotional level I am in a war with myself. I’ve brought up to him that I’m scared of him not wanting me but a man instead. He loves me and says that he would never do such a thing. Your quote that says ” you’re so important to him for him to confide his secret to you” brought me to tears. I had never thought about it that way. My plea to you is to help me settle my war among myself to gain some closure or ease in my mind that he might actually mean what he says. We are young and in love and I see myself with him for the long run. But if you have any words of wisdom for me to see that bi men can actually be satisfied and monogomous with a woman, then please bestow that upon me! I want to be able to completly trust in him and in my heart for saying “yes” to him.
Hi
I really would like some help regarding my boyfriend. The first day we met I found out he was bisexual and i did not and still do not feel insecure or bothered about it. I’m a gay man and I’ve struggled with my sexuality as well as dated bi men in the past so it was not a big deal.
The difference is I am more in love with him than any guy I’ve even been with. He seems to love me too, but he goes through times when being bisexual (combined with other regular life issues) really leaves him confused and lost. During these times his confidence goes down so much, he becomes shy, and quiet, sometimes moody. Then a few weeks later he will snap back and seem fine.
What I would really like to know is how I can help him. He goes into his shell so intensely I don’t want to upset him by making him talk about something he doesn’t want to. And during the times when he seems happy, I find it hard to bring up the topic, for fear it may cause him to start feeling bad about himself. Truly, with or without me in his life, I want him to be happy, and content.
What are some ways to approach a guy (he’s 20 years old) when he feels down about himself and lost due to his bisexuality. How can I comfort him? What is the right time to approach him? And will this last, or does aging calm the storms?
Please help me. Thank you so much.
Can I comment on Rampant Confusion’s comment from back in March? I hope she still reads this. I totally understand where you are coming from. My bisexual bf of 4 years has received nothing but openness, love and acceptance from me. He has my full permission to hook up with men, whenever he wants. I put two conditions on it:
1. he use condoms
2. he tell me every time (afterwards is fine) he hooks up
In spite of my love and tolerance, he does not be true to the agreement we made–on either condition.
Like yours, he obviously feels shame–he says he’s “over it” and doesnt need it anymore, then goes out and does it again. He does not like me to think of him doing things like giving head.
It hurts me hugely that I am not enough for him, but because I dont have a penis, I accept I can not give him what he needs. I constantly wonder whether the pain of being involved with someone who is not monogamous with me is worth it. It hurts all the time.
It’s like I have double the competition now–men and women can take his fancy (he has cheated on me with women also).
I love him dearly. Very dearly. I am doing anything and everything I can to stay with him.
But until you are on the receiving end of watching your partner go out to have sex with ANOTHER PERSON, you can not know how much it hurts. I have made a decision that I will take the pain, but what do I do now that he is not keeping his end of our deal–that he be open and honest. I have to deal with cheating as well!
The reason monogamy is a social institution is because anything else can be so destructive and painful, the heart aches to billio. Monogamy is common sense.
I wish there were no such thing as bisexual men. They either have to not fulfill their bisexual desires, remain single, or hurt their womenfolk.
My heart aches and aches.
To Self Conflicted
No-one can give you a guarantee that your boyfriend will be loyal and faithful to you, nor a promise that he is not going to want to act on his bisexual feelings. It is impossible for bisexually active men to be monogamous.
There is no general rule for how bisexual men will behave. You need to talk to him, offer him unconditional love and consider whether you can handle being involved with someone who is possibly bisexual and therefore has the potential to need sex with other people.
I have a dishonest bisexual boyfriend, who risks my sexual health, because his manliness is threatened by telling me. This is even though I have offered him nothing but acceptance and tolerance and understanding. He’d rather deceive me than admit he likes sex with men.
Look in your heart and his and you will find your answer.
I have a male best friend, that i have known for at least a year, (i’m female by the way), i’m a straight female that has no issues with gay or lesbians or bi-sexual, me and my best mate get on great we have always flirted and i’ve always thought that he is bi or gay, ive never really asked him, but have just gone on the way he is, a few of my friends have asked him, sometimes he would say no or just not bother to answer them, about 6 months ago he told me he has feelings for me, and asked me if i felt the same, i admitted that i had feelings for him but was hiding them because he was my best mate and didnt want to spoil that.
I have 3 children and after a few days of him trying to get to grips with these feelings he decided that he couldn’t get in a relationship cos i have children, i was hurt but accepted that because i think alot of him and didn’t want to lose him as a friend, so we decided to date other people and get it out of our systems. he became involved with a girl and i accepted that.
Then after a few weeks of dating her he texted me, so we met up for a chat and he told me that he didn’t really find her sexually satisfying, by this time I had dated someone too. Then after around 3 months of me being in a relationship and him being single, he decided to tell me that he loved me and we should be together, this really screwed me up, but I decided that I had feelings for him still and was unfair to carry on with my relationship. When I asked him what we was gonna do, he turned round and said he loved me but couldn’t commit to relationship, Oh my God! My world fell apart. I questioned everything and asked him if he thought he was gay, he looked at me with great pain and I put together that he was gay curious, although I do believe he would never be in a relationship with a man it was clear that he was curious and was attracted to males, he then said that he wanted us to be in relationship, but this has now scared me cos he has said that he is bisexual, but wants to get with me, I’m so scared of what I could be getting myself into, but on the other hand scared of letting him go…. I don’t have a problem with him being bi but am scared that he’s just using me to cover up what he really feels.
None of my friends understand how I feel, they are angry that he treats me this way by him one minute wanting me next minute he doesn’t, the last few days have been hell cos he’s tried hard to have sex with me, but I just cant get myself to, as I really don’t know if he using me for a cover up he wants to be with men…. I know I’ve babbled but I just need to release this to people that are experiencing the same thing, I feel totally alone…
Thanks all
Issey,
I am really sorry to read your comment of 19 July, and can only sympathise with the pain you feel. Deceit of the sort your boyfriend is practising is truly terrible. As a bisexual man, I am clear about the commitment I made to my wife when we married, and could never hurt her in that way, but I had to go through a long period of messing about, during which I undoubtedly hurt other people, before I was able or ready to make that sort of commitment.
But whilst I have been willing to give up the prospect of sex with another man for the sake of the life I have with my wife, I cannot avoid the possibility of love. I have for some time now been very much in love with a male friend, and trying to live with the reality of loving two people sometimes feels like it could tear me apart. I won’t hurt my wife, but I can’t pretend that I don’t love him. Like you, my heart aches and aches.
I used to wish that there were no such thing as bisexuality – life seemed simpler if we could all be one thing or the other. But as I get older, I wonder if there is the possibility that bisexuals may be potentially capable of more sensitive relationships with others. We have to live with complexity in our own emotional lives, and the experience of that ought to make us more aware of the vulnerability of others. But that assumes that bisexuals have their own emotional lives sorted, and for many that can take a long time. Too many can, I know, stumble through life hurting others, and themselves. I’m sorry your boyfriend appears to be behaving in that way, particularly as it sounds as if you have done the most helpful things in being supportive and understanding.
The painful truth is that love hurts, and the partners of bisexuals can be particularly vulnerable. But I want you to know that there are bi men who understand that, and who try not to inflict that pain on those they love.
My bi boyfriend (who I love very much) is extremely shy, has no male or female friends at all as far as I am aware, and is very resistant to meeting mine or my family. He seems to have had friends in the past but not any more. He always makes out that not wanting to meet up with anyone has to do with the fact that he is not likely to have anything in common with them but he has also made a few little remarks about not wanting to be paraded or judged by others. The comments about not wanting to be judged or paraded though made me wonder if he worries that people when they meet him are instantly wondering about his sexuality and that that makes him nervous of meeting people?
I know that he is conscious that he can be quite “camp” sometimes — which with me he is usually comfortable with, even celebrated — although at other times he will be keen to avoid something as being ‘too gay’in his words. ( sorry i’m not sure if that is relevant at all!)
I know that he used to have an alcohol problem before I knew him which is in the past now. (I don’t know if these two points are related.) He hasn’t talked to me properly about this so left to my own devices my mind has related this to either “feeling down about himself and lost due to his bisexuality” — to quote Menaceboyy above – or the broken heart that he once mentioned to me.
He has not been on speakign terms with his brother for many years but is secretive as to why — and again, since I am left to my own imagination to guess as to why this is — I can’t help imagine that it relates to his sexuality and being judged — but this is purely my guesswork and could be any number of things of course.
He was incredibly shy on our first date, with nervous tics and looked like a frightened rabbit caught in the headlight — which I guess is not surprising as he is in his mid 30s and I was to be his first girlfriend. (he’d had boyfriend/s in the past- again not something he has really opened up to me about but I am very slowly building up a picture.)
His unwillingness to meet people is having an impact on my life as my family and family are getting angsty because he is avoiding meeting them; if we are out and near some friends of mine we can never ever meet up with them; and he refused to go to a wedding of a best friend of mine, although it woudl have meant a lot to me if he had attended. This has lead us to have a few arguments and although our relationship is going along swimmingly in most respects this is becoming quite a friction point.
I’m not asking for sterotyping here: ie Are all bi guys shy and withdrawn? — But am just wondering if this chimes with anyone and if you think his shyness / antisocialness might possibly (not necessarily) be related to his sexuality? I know that the best way to find this out is going to be to ask him, and I will when the timing is right, but in the mean time just wondered if all this resonates with anyone?
Going out with a bi guy was not something I had ever really thought about until I met him, and I have read lots on this site and elsewhere to try to overcome my misconceptions and prejudices etc but I’m still learning and I suppose I am worrying that by even asking this question, I am showing prejudice! I guess I would rather make any blunders here than with him!
Thanks for your help!
Hey guys
I’ve just started seeing a new guy who I feel I’ve got a real connection with and am really happy. We haven’t been seeing each other very long but everything is going really well. He added me on Facebook ages ago and it said his sexual orientation was women and men but he is very jokey and sarcastic and to be honest I wasn’t sure if it was true. He didn’t mention anything so I decided not to either.
Then earlier today he text me saying he was perving on someone but he has already kissed them and HE was rubbish!
I don’t know what to do really because i do like him but I could never be in a relationship where he was seeing other men as well. Plus i have jelousy issues anyway, so to know he could be getting with girls or guys behind my back makes me feel insecure to the max.
All that said though I still really like him. He’s gorgeous and has a great personality and we get on really well. So I just don’t know what to do. Any help or advice would be great, thanks
Amy
You need to talk to him, tell him how you feel. If he’s joking around about being bi, then its a pretty cruel joke, because its making you feel jealous.
If he is bisexual and the thought of him sleeping with, kissing or flirting with guys is an issue for you then you need to end the relationship.
If you have “jealously issues” you should not put yourself in the middle of a polyamorous relationship, you need a monogamous partner.
Regards
Bitheway
I have been with my fiance for about 2 1/2 years. I found out a few months into the relationship that he is “bi.” To make a long story short, he says he has never been with a guy, but likes to look and find them on the internet to chat/text with. Sometimes I find that exchange of pictures is involved, sometimes not. He always tells me he will quit, and does for a few months. I know at this point, it’s shame on me for hanging around. I just want for things to work. My problem/question is that even though he may be bisexual, should I be able to deal with this?? I think whether its another girl or another guy he’s doing this with, it is not right.
He doesn’t seem to understand his feelings and generally doesn’t want to discuss them.
Hi Alicia,
Bisexuality does not typically mean that your relationship will be doomed, or that you need to break up. However, bisexuality does call for negotiations and compromises.
It sounds like you are a monogamous woman, and would not want to have a third party, regardless of sex, to be sexually or emotionally involved with your fiancé. Ask him if he is capable of monogamy and would be “OK” with having you as his only sexual partner for the duration of your relationship. It might sound like an easy question, but you’d be surprised to how many people cannot answer it with full confidence.
Chances are, from what it sounds, that he might be interested in sex with men. If he’s interested in a full-blown relationship with a man, you may be in a pickle and might want to consider ending the relationship.
In my experience, my bi boyfriend does not love me less, but perhaps more than any of his previous partners because I have accepted his identity. But I am strictly monogamous and he had sacrificed a few fleeting feelings to be with me. Take comfort in knowing that he is considerate of you.
But lastly, know where he is in terms of what is the ideal relationship for him, and what is acceptable.
I read most but not all of this thread…I’m very confused and unsure about what to do with my “situation.” Months ago I found old Mfm ads my boyfriend posted before he and I were together. At the time he blamed it on drug abuse… I believed him he’s a very convincing man and since I have my own colorful past I couldn’t be angry with him for it. However it never left my thoughts and I was always curious because he would not openly admit the truth to me. Fast forward – he’s claiming he wants to marry me have kids the whole nine yards… Convinces me to move in with him and bam! After I settle myself I find out about more much more recent activity. Like two weeks ago while I was out of town for work. I’m not really sure why I’m writing this, I’m just a very private person and I can only assume that I just need to get this out and I can’t share this with my friends. I do believe that he loves me but as posted before cheating is cheating no matter what sex the other person is. How would or could I know, that he would remain faithful to me with desires so great for something I cannot provide him with? The worst part about this is that aside from his urges to be with a man he’s been the best boyfriend I’ve ever had… I’m not capable of allowing him to fullfill these needs and I refuse to be the 40 year old wife of a man that’s sneaking around with younger men because my boyfriend is that young man now and he will be that man when he’s 40. I love him but I want to be the only person he wants. OUCH! Bi men please be open about your sexuality I do believe there are women out there that can accept it it’s just not fair to do these things to one who can’t.
Becky,
How do you know he’s still interested in MFM? People change, we experiment we have fantasies, our tastes change.
If he says these fantasies are in the past and you don’t believe him, then you need to ask yourself, does that say something about his honesty or your willingness to trust.
If he’s “been the best boyfriend you’ve ever had” then that counts for something. Your colourful pasts aside…since you’ve been together, has he ever given you any reason not to trust him?
Think your answer lies there.
My boyfriend came out a few week ago. He has had sexual relations with a man since then with me in the room which have affected me. He wants to continue his ways with having other sexual partners however I fell it will tear us apart because I wont be able to handle it. I have told him no but feel guilty because he should have the right to. What should I do?
I knew my boyfriend was bi before we started going out. Now and again he slips and refers to something as “gay” (which nowadays I see translates to “lame”) or teases a gay friend (not maliciously but enough to make my ears perk). I don’t understand why he’s trying to act macho, I never gave him any indication that his bisexuality was a problem. Maybe his past whoreishness, but hey, that was with both sexes. Is this a case of self degradation for laughs (a case like only black people saying n*gga jokingly)? And he isn’t all that manly either–well, yes he LOOKS like a man in body shape and size, but his personality is not your typical beer guzzling sports watching stereotype–so why chose to act manly in this way, if that is the case? Also, he dumbs down past experiences with men when talking about them, almost negating them. Talking to his friends however, I know differently, or even keeping a keen ear out and hearing the discrepancies in his stories. How can I make him accept himself, when his friends and family already do? In fact, his coming out could have been as benign as telling everyone he prefers vanilla over chocolate.
Vi
Speaking as a bisexual man in a (monogamous) straight relationship, its very easy to fall back into the arena of straight behaviour and straight friends rub off on you. You do your best to fit in and that usually means you bury aspects of your personality that would cause discomfort within your social group.
For example when with straight friends I would normally avoid commenting on which guys I find attractive. Also if I was relating a story about my past, I would be less likely to include any boyfriends in the story, simply because it would make people uncomfortable.
The reverse is true to a degree when hanging out with gay friends, though its not so much they are uncomfortable about hearing of straight encounters, just disinterested.
I’m sure there is a degree of that going on with your boyfriend, and perhaps also a healthy dose of trying to draw a line under his past, particularly if he is happy being with you.
Amazing to stubble upon this Blog after the weekend I just had. Bitheway, this is has been great to spend some time reading your posts and comments and I have come to understand my situation a lot better. I have yet to read a similar situation as mine and I feel my situation is somewhat unique. My husband of 4 months (we have been together for 2 years) just told me Saturday morning that he is bisexual. I was shocked! I was shocked because I am bisexual and I told him about my bisexuality right after we met and was surprised he didn’t tell me. I was shocked because he is the most masculine, heterosexual guy I know. I was not upset about it, just SHOCKED. He apparently has known for years and engaged in sex with men for years (from 17 to 28 and he is now 31). I wasn’t mad at him for not telling me, I think I was just surprised that he did not feel comfortable telling me before now. I am very open with my bisexuality because I have known it since I was 18 and have slowly come to terms and come out to almost everyone except employers and complete strangers. So after he told me, his exact words to me were “Not everyone broadcasts their bisexuality, like you do.” Now, I was actually a little bit excited about this information. Partly because I am so open about my sexuality and partly because I love the idea of men together (and that kind of adult entertainment). I would go so far to say I am a bisexual with a strong attraction for woman, but love men and love seeing men with men. So after my husband tells me this, it actually translated into quite a wonderfully sexual weekend with each other.
So why am I writing and why am I concerned? Two things. First of all, I am monogamous. I would love to have sex with woman from time to time, but I will not do that to my husband and he knows it. So obviously, now I am concerned that he will not be monogamous with me. I knew he was not monogamous with his first wife (I knew about the women, I found out on Saturday about the men), so it concerns me that I will have to worry about this. My first reaction to him was, you do realize that oral sex is cheating, even with the same sex? He responded that he completely understood and would not do that to me. I know that this has more to do with the person and not the sexuality, but I guess this just presents more questions for me. However, I understand men’s sex drive. Is allowing him sex with other men something I should at least talk to him about and consider?
My second issue had to do with a long standing stereotype which I have now learned (from this blog) comes from the gay community. Even though I am bisexual and know exactly what it means, I always felt that bisexual men are on their way to being gay. This is because every male gay friend I have ever known was once bisexual and I have even dated men who were bisexual that ended up becoming gay. My husband tells me that sex with men was always just that, a sex thing, and I know exactly where he is coming from because I have always felt the same way about woman. However, I still have a problem getting past this stereotype no matter how hypocritical it seems. Even though I KNOW he loves woman and this does seem like a sex thing from the information he has given me (and he has been great about talking to me about it), I still have a hard time understanding that he has the same thoughts as me, but just in an opposite direction. I have to admit, reading this blog has helped me understand more what male bisexuality is all about, but I am still trying to get over this old stereotype. Actually, part of his reason for not telling me sooner was the fact that I always claimed that bi men were closeted men. I think he was worried that telling me would emasculate him, but amazingly in my eyes he is even more masculine and it is wonderful.
So I should just be happy that there is ONE more thing that my husband and I have in common (because we have almost all the same interests), and in many ways I am. I am excited and scared and interested all at once. I guess part of my reason for wanting to post to this blog is just a way to get it out and talk about it. My husband in no way wants anyone to know about this and I couldn’t tell any of my friends even if he didn’t mind. If I have a some difficulty understanding a bisexual man, as a bisexual woman, I know my friends would never understand. So this has been a nice way to vent, and I appreciate that.
Can’t believe I’m in this scenario….
Met him 6 months ago, and wanted to be friends only initially for other reasons, then he wanted more, and persuaded me in the same direction, and I fell in love with him, and it surprised me as I ended up really caring for him beyond what I would do for anyone.
The dynamics changed in the past weeks, and he decided we should stop having a relationship with reasons like ‘you deserve better’ etc. I was heartbroken as I couldn’t understand why.
A week later, he told me he’s bicurious. I wasn’t surprised. He said he still loves me, and still love everything about me like spending time with me and wants me in his life still. But I am still confused why he still doens’t want a relationship with me even if he is bicurious, unless he’s confused and wants to sort that out first before proceeding further. he kept saying he’ll just end up hurting me.
I’m not sure what to do. I want to be him, and to support him along the way as him being bicurious doesn’t bother me. I’m just hurt as I don’t understantd why he deosn’t want a relationship with me despite still loving me and claims he’s not fallen out of love with me.
Should I give him time? What is the true reasons?
Only he can give you the “true reasons” behind his withdrawal.
It *could* be down to him wanting to “explore” and fearing that if he does this whilst in a relationship with you that this would hurt you.
If this is the case then you have to ask yourself, would this hurt you? Or would it hurt more than losing the man you love altogether?
If you are happy for him to explore his bisexuality then tell him, particularly tell him if you think you can be together whilst he does this.
At the end of the day, you are already hurting because of his withdrawal from the relationship, and he has already wound up hurting you. So don’t let him use that as an excuse without getting the root of the problem.
I was informed last night of my boyfriends bisexual activities during cocaine induced partying. He no longer does drugs and we have enjoyed a great relationship over the past 10 months. For the past few months he has mentioned the excitement he recieves when he fantasizes of a “three way”. Now that I am aware of his sexual identity I have a better understanding of his fantasies.
I am very open minded and liberal but have some concerns. He refuses to discuss anything but the fact that he had these encounters. He stated that he is repulsed by the thought of being in an emotional relationship with a man. I know he loves me and is afraid this bombshell of information might hurt our relationship. I explained to him that it is not the information but the lack of information that is unsettling to me. Am I wrong in wanting to know if he had several encounters with different men and/or how long ago. Am I wrong in wanting to know how long he has felt these desires? I’m concerned that he is just beginning to understand his needs and in time may decide that he would prefer the company of men. I am 50 years old and am not sure if I want to spend valuable time waiting around to find out which direction he may take. Any suggestions?
Hi Amy
Its a difficult and doubt ridden time for women when they discover there partner is bisexual. Its hard on many levels but ultimately it all comes back to communication and trust.
He may not be communicating particularly well at the moment, at least as far as his past encounters are concerned. But that’s OK – he could well be embarrassed by them or be protecting another party by his silence.
Some of the guys I’ve slept with would be mortified it they knew I’d spoken to someone about our encounters because they are not out.
Equally would you want to hear about his past encounters with women? Probably not, its pretty vulgar right? Well same rules apply to men.
So upshot, Trust and Communication, talk about what he’s feeling now, not about his past encounters, talk about trust. Do you trust him? Can he trust you to treat this delicately? You get the idea… focus on the now.
Thank you for your reply and advice. Since my last writing we have discussed his encounters and they were exclusive. There was no “one” man. He frequented a “spa” that catered to gay sexual activities. I am horrified that I can’t readily accept this information without reservation. We are engaged but I’m now facing some anxious feelings about our future. He assures me that he loves the “feminity” of a woman and loves me but is attracted to men’s genitals. This is a really hard pill to swallow. Has research been conducted on bisexuals who choose to become homosexual as they age?? I am so torn and know that I can’t confide in friends or family as I have promised to keep his “secret”. Whoever answered my previous comment, I truly appreciate your support and advice. I am at a loss.
Hi Amy
There is no reliable research to show bisexual men become “more homosexual” as they age. Or that they are any less capable of being monogamous than gay or heterosexual men.
The whole bi’s turning gay myth is something perpetuated by the gay community because there are a number of homosexual men who for social and family reasons tried the “straight-life”. Naturally they found themselves falling off the “straight and narrow” and having encounters with other gay men. Eventually they accepted they were gay and had no significant interest in heterosexuality.
Because these gay men, went through a “bi-phase” they assume all bisexual men will eventually turn gay. This is a myth.
As a mathematician by training, I could tell you that the misconception arises from a basic misunderstanding of set theory. Example: All squares have four sides, but not all four sided shapes are squares. At risk of stating the obvious, many are rectangles.
I am so happy to come across this website. Everything else I have read has left me feeling so confused and like I should walk away from my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for ten months now. A month or so ago he told me that he had slept with guys before me. Initially he said that it was because he was curious and not having much luck with girls. Recently he admitted that he does have sexual feelings for guys. I didnt take the news that well but he handled my reaction well. He said that he loved me and that he was with me. He said it didnt matter who he looked at when he was single, he was with me. Apparently sex is just sex. I was paranoind because I feel like I am not enough with him and that in years to come he will turn around and say that he cant keep it at bay anymore. I am getting my head around it. I know that he loves me but I would be lying if I said I didnt feel insecure. Will this ease? He said he would never cheat, he wont look at bi/gay porn and that he knows that I am enough for him. Do you think that I am over reacting my being paranoid when he has done all this for me. To be honest he didnt seem put out at all when I asked him not to look at men-is that a good sign?
Sorry to warble. I love my BF and I want to believe we will last because he is the man I think I want to be with forever but I dont want to look back in years to come and hear him say he needs sex with men because I am afraid I will never have anything but a totally monogonous relationship (he knows this)!
Any comments would be really appreciated! Thanks
Hi, my name is Tyler. I am currently dating my girlfriend who I have been with for over a year now. Before dating, we were best friends for a few years and talked about everything. I have always been completely honest with her and she has been with me. The one thing however that I have kept from her is that I am bi curious. I have started to have these feelings of bi curiosity for the past few years and they are growing stronger with each day. I consider myself bisexual, I am extremely attracted to women but often fantasize about pleasing 1 or more men with my mouth and “tush” either by myself or while pleasing my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I are completely in love, she is very supportive of me and is very understanding. We are both extremely sexual and have sex very frequently with open minds to try new things all the time. Recently I have asked her if she would consider buying a strap on with me and go to town on my “tush” some nights because I love the feeling. She not only agreed to do it but was very excited about the idea. Over the past couple of months we have had great success with it. In the past few months I have tried to drop suddle hints about me with another guy just as jokes and just a few days ago my girlfriend caught a quick glimps on accident of one of my bisexual porn sites that I sometimes watch showing a man sandwiched between his gf and another man. My gf and I are monogamous and I would never consider cheating on her, but my curiosity is getting the best of me. I dont know entirely how to come out and tell her how I feel. Im sure she will accept me and will be mature about the situation and make me feel as comfortable with it as possible. Do you know how I tell her this? Also I am really itching to experiment with another guy(s), but I dont know of a way to do it in a safe and discrete manor because I am new to this. My attraction for other men is purely physical, all I want to do is please as many men as I can in the best way I possibly can if it is okay with my girlfriend. Is it possible to have my cake and eat it too by throwing away my inhibitions and satisfying another man while having my girlfriend still feel the same way about me? I think that is what I need to hear the most. Thanks!
Hi Tyler,
There’s not an easy answer to your question. There are some women who just cant stomach the idea of participating sexually (or even watching) whilst you have sex with another man. Others are OK with it, though they are a minority.
Remember that women are more inclined to see the act of sex as “love making” and have great difficulty understanding bi-guys when we explain how we can lust after having sex with a man without feeling any less love for our girlfriends.
Read some of the posts here written by women and you’ll see that many of them are very fearful of losing their bisexual boyfriends to gay-dom.
Tread carefully.
I talked to my girlfriend, explained the situation and everything turned out great. We are already planning on our next step to doing something kinky together!!! : )
Wow, reading over all of these entries a theme seems to emerge. Bi men cause alot of emotional damage, and do not seem to be empathic or remorseful about it. The comments left here were not very nice to read at all. Are there any bi men who have any empathy for the level of hurt they cause, as evidenced by the above entries? Where is the entry from any bi males who feel bad about the emotional damage they have caused their partner? Is there any hope for the many women who are hoping for a simple monogamous, heterosexual relationship? Too many are writing to this blog looking for hope and reassurance that a good outcome in their relationship is possible. Depressingly I sense that there isn’t hope. Even the bi man who reports that he is happily married then seem to come out and say he is hurting just as much as he has hurt his female partner, because he is now in love with a man too!
I wonder if there is a fatal flaw with bisexual men in that they are unable to feel empathy toward others, or that by the nature of their complex sexuality they are unfortunately highly self-involved. Surely someone has tried to research the matter – if there is no quality research then why is this? Is it because the research available shows poor outcomes, therefore it is not described in a blog like this?
@Disillusioned
Bisexual men are just as capable of feeling empathy as the next man. However as you rightly observe many bi-men are highly self-involved and not all can deny who they are, just to spare the feelings of others.
This is not entirely uncommon as a human trait. In pursuit of happiness people of all persuasions will make a go of a relationship and see if it works. Many relationships don’t work for a number of reasons and people get hurt.
Bi-men are not heart-breakers any more than anyone else, its just that women (strangely) tend to be more tolerant of hetrosexual infidelity than homosexual infidelity. Perhaps because they feel they can “compete” with other women but can’t “compete” with other men.
As for research, I don’t think a great amount of research has been done into male bisexuality. If you look into it you will mostly find references to the Kinsey Reports of the 1940s and 1950s. Which I have already given a treatment of on this blog.
I’ll also concede that women tend to want monogamous relationships and men tend to want polyamorous relationships (this applies to all men, straight, bi or gay). As genders we have mutually incompatible desires. The fact that bi-men have desires that lead them towards men and women makes us increasingly incompatible.
There’s no research to show poor outcomes, but logic dictates that if a woman cannot accept a degree of openness in a relationship with a polyamorous bi-man then there will be a poor outcome.
This might sound harsh, but in spite of any hurt or feeling of betrayal you are suffering. The bottom line is, if you are with a bi-man. You accept it or you leave. Trying to change him is futile.
My situation is a little different. My boyfriend told me when we got together that he was in a bisexual relationship with a guy who was also a close friend. It shocked me but i accepted it because i figured that everyone has a bisexual experience at some point in their lives. I respected his honesty and I let him know that it did make me feel uncomfortable. Once we got really serious he told me that he really loved me and i was his soul mate and that he no longer had those feelings and that i was the person he wanted to be with forever.
Now we’ve been together 5 years, we have a 2 year old daughter and our relationship is going down the drain. Since we had our child he and i have gone through a lot and recently he told me that he’s been having bisexual feelings again and he’s never stopped talking to his ex boyfriend and he’s also been reaching out to other bisexual men.
I don’t know how to handle this. Everytime i try to talk to him he gets upset with me because i cry and i feel really insecure. I was always under the impression that i would never have to deal with bisexuality in our relationship. i feel as though he’s not as serious about me and having a family. i dont know what to do. i cant stop crying. I feel like I lost the love of my life and i don’t know how to handle it, especially since we have a daughter together.
Please give me some advice. I need support.
Hi Kitty,
I’m sorry you are going through a rough patch with your boyfriend.
I just ended a year-long relationship myself, so every time I write any advice I feel like a hypocrite.
Is his resurgent bisexuality the root of your problems? Or is a symptom of a wider set of problems? It seems like your boyfriend has been very honest with you in the past. He capable of being just as honest with you now, so I’d keep trying to talk to him.
But try to be stronger and more self composed. Speaking from a personal perspective, if my girlfriend is insecure, it makes me feel like a failure, because I’ve not done enough to make her feel secure. I then avoid revealing any little niggles or complaints I might have or want to talk about because I don’t want to make her feel worse.
So if you break down and cry every time you talk about your relationship, you are not in a good position to have an honest discussion with your partner.
That probably doesn’t help.
Sorry.
Thanks for your advice, I will do anything to get our relationship back. He did tell me that his bisexuality re-emerged because of our lack of intimacy. I just don’t know if I can deal with him continuing to have his ex-boyfriend in his life “as a friend”. He always talks to him in private, he has never introduced me to him and i don’t think i want to. I guess i just can’t deal with him having an aspect of his life that i’m not a part of. He has never cheated on me before, nor will he ever cheat on me. i just feel betrayed and really insecure about his relationship with his ex-boyfriend. Had his ex been a female I would still have the same problem but he says its different.
He is the father of my child but I don’t think that I can continue to deal with bisexuality in my life. I want him to be serious about me and I don’t see how he is serious if he can’t even decide what he wants.
Anymore advice????
The root of your problems is his ex-boyfriend, the root of his problems sounds like something else which I can’t begin to fathom without speaking to him.
Why has your relationship suffered from a lack of intimacy? I know it can be hard with kids around, but you guys need to figure out what’s gone wrong and what’s missing from what you had at the start. Then get it back.
As for his ex-boyfriend, well they were close friends before you met, you don’t believe he’s cheated on you, you might have to get over the fact that they will probably remain friends and be “just friends”. However you can ask that you meet his friends and spend time together with his friends, this will probably help you feel less excluded from their friendship.
Again feeling hypocrital here because I didn’t do the things I’m advising you to do.
Hi bitheway and others,
What do I do if I’m a single male, bi and want a girlfriend, but don’t want to tell a potential girlfriend I’m bi or at least not until I felt comfortable about it after we had known each other a while?
Thanks
This sure helped me a lot. In my case both of us are bisexual the only difference is that i told him at the start of our friendship and he told me like 8-10 months of us being a couple. I was okay with it at first but then I became very insecure when he said he was attracted to men more than women. I was the first one to know about him being bisexual, no one never knew except the guys with whom he had sex with when he was younger. (we are both 21 right now)
The only bad thing is that to me, I think that when you are in a relationship with someone if you have sex with a girl or a guy that’s cheating. I don’t care if he gives me permission, I don’t want it because I only love him and I told him that. But now i get jealous when he talks with his gay friend.
We have talked about all of this and so far I think we are mostly open with each other about how we feel, to me it takes a little more to express myself but I have always been like that. But after all of that, I’m quite happy to say that we are still together and happier than ever. but sometimes I feel like he wants to have sex with guys and I really don’t approve that, call me old fashion but when you truly love someone, you belong to that person only.
So cheers to a relationship of 2 years and 3 months so far, and he asked me to marry him when we finish our studies. =D
Hey Lolita
The secret is to keep talking. Jealously and insecurity wreaks a relationship, so the more open you can both be with your feelings the better.
I think you’ll both do fine.
Why is it okay for bisexuals to not be fully committed to one gender/person? I am the girlfriend of a bisexual and I really dislike it when my boyfriend says he thinks a guy is hot. I get jealous.
Hi Jamie,
“Why is it okay for bisexuals to not be fully committed to one gender/person?”
Whether it is or isn’t OK depends on the opinion of their partner.
Though many bisexual men will argue that sexual monogamy is not required in order to be “fully committed” to a person. Not sure I can support that argument myself, but there you have it.
For what its worth you have every right to feel jealous. But you can always ask him not to do it.
This is an amazing website and very helpful indeed. Very informative. I have just told my pregnant girlfriend of 3 years that I think I may be bisexual. I really didn’t know that I was and only recently discovered this side of me. My girlfriend was very shocked with this news as she didn’t suspect any issues in my sexuality. Perhaps deep down I had my suspicians over my sexuality but I whole heartedly loved her and continue to love her. I think what has triggered all this off in me is the responsibility of having a child and being locked into a commited relationship. I am struggling to come to terms with the whole thing. I was happy and safe in my relationship with my girlfriend and now I am having urges to be with men which is causing mass anxiety and confusion to me. I want to be her partner as I love her and I want to be a father but I am struggling with these urges to experience intimacy with a man as I have never experienced this. I am 32 years of age and surely by now I should know who I am. Is there any research out there to identify and what age people best understand their sexual orientation? Thanks for your help.
Hi Samuel
I’m not aware of any research that places a mean age of people discovering their sexual orientation, however, I do know the age is highly variable.
Some people have a very firm ideal of their sexual orientation in their early teens, other people I’ve known come out as gay in their 40′s after 20 years of marriage.
Generally I think people who take longer to work out their sexuality are the ones who have been more confused by their feelings. Personally, I was 29 before I fully accepted my bisexuality, though I’d been ignoring the clues for years. I was really messed up by these mixed emotions and it took me ages to get things clear in my head.
Anyway, it doesn’t strike me as odd that you only just realised your sexuality at the age of 32. That sounds quite normal to me.
Thanks so much for this insightful article my boyfriend just recently shared this part of his identity with me. At first I was scared and didn’t know what to say but now having read this I can go back and apologize for any misunderstandings brought on by lack of knowledge. Thanks again so much!
I found out that my bf is bi because of an email ad he answered… We’re working on the ‘intent to cheat’ aspect of it and the subsequent trust loss but my question for you is how do I let him know that it’s okay to be bi?
He says never told me because he was ashamed to be bi. During our conversations he wouldn’t even say “guy” he referred to them as “other people”. I asked if he had a boyfriend at any point before and he flinched as if I’d slapped him…that’s how ashamed he is.
I’ve told him that it is okay and that I support him and love him regardless…but is there anything else I should be doing to help? At my suggestion we’ve even incorporated as much of that aspect as I can (us girls sadly just don’t have the right parts for this…), but am I still missing something important that I should be doing?
Hi Jess
Bisexuality is a “dirty secret” for a lot of guys. Especially for those of us who lean towards the straight end of the spectrum.
Many bi-guys (arguably most I’ve spoken to,) don’t have boyfriends in the traditional sense that a gay man or a straight woman might have a boyfriend. Anonymous encounters are the most common, (this is the easiest way to keep it secret) but occasionally friendships spring up and two guys might regularly meet for sex.
Often no emotional attachments beyond a normal male friendship are involved, its just a sexual act. Often limited to mutual masturbation or oral sex, but occasionally encompassing anal sex too.
But all that is just information. The key issue here is trust.
He’s ashamed of his little secret and he didn’t have the confidence to tell you. Perhaps he feared you’d laugh at him, call him a “faggot” or tell his friends. He probably had no good reason for these fears other than his own shame.
However, you need to reassure him that he has your confidence. That you will never “out him”. No matter what.
The other thing you need to do is make him understand he has nothing to be ashamed about, except perhaps not trusting you with his secret.
Emphasis to him the importance of honesty to you and the fact that he will always have your complete confidence and discretion.
A good place to start is to tell him there is nothing he can do to make you angry or upset enough to break his confidence. He needs to know he can trust you with his secret so you can continue to have a normal relationship without you holding it over his head.
Even though you probably would never dream of using this against him. Having been in the situation myself where I’ve not wanted a secret to be disclosed, I felt an enormous power imbalance hanging over the relationship and I no longer felt like an equal partner.
You need to neutralise the power imbalance your have, either by wining his confidence through reassurance or by giving him some power over you in return.
This might not work for everyone and I’m certainly not suggesting its obligatory. But taking some sexy photos for him to keep is a great (and fun) way to demonstrate that you trust his discretion and that he can in turn trust yours.
At first glance this might sound like and odd or vulgar suggestion, but honest relationships are built on equality and trust. You cannot be equal in a relationship when one person holds cards over another and this is a great way to demonstrate trust.
hi,
i was wondering if you could give me some advice about my boyfriend coming out as bi? ours is definitely a case a, he came out to me last year at which time we had been together for a year. however he has only said recently that he has been experiencing strong urges towards men, so we have taken a one month break in which he can experiment with men… i completely trust him when he says this is only for a month and that he will come back to me afterwards. we are about halfway through the break now, and my question is, how do i stop myself worrying about him leaving me or realising hes gay? and do you think that when he has a bi experience, it will change things between us?
thank you so much for any help,
Tina
Hi Tina
To answer your questions…
1) How do i stop myself worrying about him leaving me or realising he’s gay?
Well if he’s Bi he’ll be back. Bisexual does not equal Gay. But its not that easy to stop worrying about it. What can I say, its too more weeks, put it to the back of your mind and deal with it in a fortnight? No much help right? But its all you can do.
2) Do you think that when he has a bi experience, it will change things between us?
Yes, it almost always changes things, but how it changes things tend to depend more on you and what changes you are prepared to accept than any change in your boyfriend’s desires. He has always fancied men, he’s just not able to suppress it any more.
Again this probably isn’t much help. I’ve tried to answer candidly, but I can’t help but think you have asked the wrong questions.
The questions you need to be asking are:
a) Does he love you?
b) Can you love him knowing he might want to have sex with men as well as with you?
If you have 2 yes’es you are fine.
thanks for your advice, it was what i needed to hear.
i know he loves me, and i don’t have a problem with him being bi at all… the thing is, (at the risk of sounding selfish) i wouldnt be able to deal with our relationship being open, i.e. he is allowed to have sex with men. speaking from your own experience, how difficult is it to be committed to one person as a bisexual? and do you feel it is possible to commit to one person after just one bi experience? at the end of the day i do just want him to be happy, and i wouldnt want to “trap” him, but at the same time i think faithfulness within a relationship is important… so confused!
thanks again,
Tina
Hi Tina,
Well in my own experience I’ve never been in a committed relationship with someone who wanted to sleep with both men and women. So I can’t offer you any direct insights.
You’ve made it quite clear that you don’t want to be in an open relationship where your boyfriend goes off and has casual sex with guys. Does he know this? Does he know that the outcome of this month of exploring his sexuality is you or bust?
What I can say is that it ought to be relatively easy to recover your relationship after this month provided of course you both decide that what you really want is each other and no-one else. There has been no deception, no cheating, everything has being done by mutual consent.
The difficulties in trust only arise if he decides he wants you and a few blokes on the side. As you won’t tolerate an open relationship, he’s forced to lie to you (at least about his feelings, if not about his actions) in order to get what he wants.
So my advice to you is this. Let him tell you what he wants before you tell him what you’ll accept. That way you know if the relationship can survive.
But a parting thought for you to consider… Why is monogamy so important?
If he goes out and has sex with a few guys on the side, its only for personal gratification. We take pleasure in lots of things, a fine wine, a good cigar, playing sports, all sorts of crap that we don’t necessarily involve our spouses in. But for some reason society says sex is something we must enjoy exclusively with one person. Why?
Faithfulness is about love, trust and honesty and you can have that in an open relationship (you have to have it). But when you break it down, the only good argument for monogamy is to protect your partner from any feelings of inadequacy because they lack confidence in themselves.
So in other words, if you are demanding monogamy you have to ask yourself why do you feel so insecure?
Hi bitheway,
Well… here I am on what could be considered as the most confusing journey of my life.
I’d just discovered my boyfriend of 2 years… the father of my unborn child gets his kicks out of watching man on man porn and emailing other males with explicit pictures of himself detailing EXACTLY what he would like to do to them./be done to him.
I am hurt, angry, confused, upset and have a million and one questions flying around… and hormones do not help the situation!
I have tried to be understanding and look at it from all angles (so to speak). At first he was defensive but has now admitted to me that it was a ‘fantasy’ and at the time he was ‘sexually stimulated’ by the images and replies he received.
He has expressed that it is me who he loves and want to be with for the rest of his life blah blah blah, and that he now realises that the only thing he needs in his life is to love me and for us to be a family and that it ‘will never happen again’
I do not want to be stupid or naive about the situation but I just need to try and ‘understand’ what has happened…
… before he was ‘caught’ we were in an extremely happy family relationship and I feel this has just ruined everything…. not by his preferences… but simply because he has lied and been deceiptful. I feel like I fell in love with a different person.
Hi Mumtobe,
Its perfectly understandable for you to feel hurt by this, particularly him exchanging pictures and sex fantasies with other men. I mean you’d probably feel equally hurt if he was exchanging sexy pictures with other women, perhaps more so, though logically their ought to be no difference.
In his defence, your boyfriend is bisexual and some bisexuals (not all) will look for sexual gratification from both genders. They at least need their same-sex fantasies as much as a straight single guy needs porn. Now this is not your fault and its not down to any deficiency on your part, so you mustn’t feel inadequate.
However, before you judge him for keeping this a secret, consider how hard it would have been for him to tell you honestly and openly. How would you have responded to him had he told you? Or more specifically how did he think you might react?
He could have been afraid that you would dump him, ridicule him and out him to your friends and family.
Now you have said that this pansexual preferences are not the problem, instead its his deceit. But his deceit is born out of fear, shame and his own insecurities about his sexuality.
That is something to pity rather than condemn.
I know this comes at a bad time, but your boyfriend’s feelings for you have always been the same, you just think they have changed and whilst this time in your life you are probably looking to him for love, security and protection, if you want to save your relationship you are going to have to stand up strong and offer that to him.
He needs your forgiveness, your understanding and your protection (ie: promise not to out him). And if you want to keep him from playing away from home, you might want to let him have his gay-porno and his fantasy, but draw the line at chatting and exchanging nude pictures with “real” people.
Good Luck and stay strong.
[...] of my most popular posts was a piece entitled “How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend” and it attracts a lot of comments from women seeking to deal with their boyfriend’s [...]
Tonight I was going onto my Boyfriends (0f 10 yrs) email to look up a password on another account. In his trash but not perminately deleted mail (where I was looking for the other email) there was a email from someone with the topic “I miss you babe” I open it thinking I was gonna find out My bf was cheating on me or something as I began to read I realized that he was but that it was with a man. I have been staring at this for 3 hours now, to the point my eyes hurt. I don’t know what to say to my Bf. I’m not worried about him being upset that I snooped because I was right where I told him i was going. He just thought he perminately deleted it and didn’t. I am struggling with what to say and what to do. I dont know if I really want to end it b/c we’ve been together since HS and for the most part are happy. The email did say that he infact did have some type of sexual encounter so Im angry about that and feel betrayed, but I think with dialog we could work through it. MY other problem with bringing the subject up besides how is…. I dont think he will admit it and I’m pretty sure will call me a liar or say that the email wasn’t meant for him or something of that nature. WHAT DO I DO!?
Was the email meant for him? Was it addressed to him? Did he reply to it? Do you really have a smoking gun here, or just something that could be a cleverly worded spam message promoting a porn chat site?
Reset your assumptions, banish any preconceived notions you have about this from your mind and simply calmly ask your boyfriend what this email is all about.
You’ll be able to tell a lot more from how he reacts and responds than you will from the email.
The key here is to not be combative when you ask him to explain the email, your demeanour should be gentle and curious, not presumptions and angry.
It was from a “friend” I knew about from college. It was addresed to him and was NOT SPAM. Thank you, I am not angry for anything more then the cheating part the rest sorta feeling like a weight lifted because it explains ALOT or recent behaviors. I just am sure he’s not going to admit it and will be mortified and hurt that I know his truth and so I dont know what to say.. all night last night I didn’t sleep and he kept asking if I was okay so I eventually lied and said I felt sick and went to the couch so he could sleep.. Its on the tip of my tounge but I dont know how to say it without hurting him.. I think this is something her would have died before sharing with anyone. but now that I know I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.. mostly bc it will keep happening and it is CHEATING and secondly because hes not being true to himself if he can’t admit it out loud and that causes stress and may have alot to do with his anger issues and his depression.
I have been with my husband for 5 years and Im only 23. Recently I seen him looking at pic of nude guys on his ipod, so I confronted him about it. At first he was embarrased but then came out and told me that he was bi-sexual. I asked him since he never really had relations with a man if he wanted to seperate for a little bit so he could experience and see what he wants. He declined saying he loved me and wanted to be with me. Yesterday my brother had a lady friend and guy friend come over the house “by the way my brother lives with us” and my husband gets off his game and goes in there and hangs out with them for a few hours. Now mind you my husband is a shy person and doesnt like interacting with people he dont know. I got upset we argued I went to bed and the next morning I wake up and my husband has found him on facebook, added him as a friend, and commented on his post. Now I know this because both of them are my friends and it shows me all their updates. I told him he was like ugh ok I will erase it, but still hasnt. He never wants to spend alone time with me anymore and has recently told me that if I refuse to lose weight he wont be with me. And the part of my body he doesnt like the most is my face. So Im already insecure because he told me these things and I find out hes bi. Should I let him go or stay with him? I need some advice because Im at a crossroad and trying to way out my pros and cons. Right now Cons is winning, but Im wondering if Im being selfish of his sexual needs or if I have a legitimate concern.
The guy that came over was gay by the way.
CrossRoad
Put aside your boyfriends sexual needs for a second, because there is something else that’s more pressing. You’re self-esteem.
If your boyfriend is crushing your self-confidence by telling you he thinks you are fat and ugly then you are with the wrong man. Straight, bisexual, gay is irrelevant.
Your concern should be wholly and solely based on this, not his sexuality. His sexuality is not caused and cannot be altered or influenced by you, so don’t try an take responsibility for it.
(NB: Its worth pointing out that not all bisexual men want to have sex with guys whilst in a relationship with a woman. Bisexuals are just as capable of being monogamous as straight guys.)
You’ve focussed on this interaction with a gay friend of a friend. Try rewriting your post but substitute your gay friend for an attractive girl. You’d probably still feel the same.
Its not about sexuality. That’s not the real issue. The real issue is how you’re boyfriend has been treating you and damaging your self esteem.
Had he been telling you how sexy and beautiful he thought you looked your self-confidence would be high. And you probably wouldn’t feel so threatened by him spending a couple of hours chatting with a gay guy, who was a guest in your home.
So take this back to the root cause, this is about your self-esteem, not his sexuality. We all need to feel attractive and if your boyfriend doesn’t make you feel attractive and is intent on damaging your self-esteem, you need to address this.
One final comment, most people who bully their partners in this way, do it because they feel inadequate themselves. They do it because they think you are too good for them, that you are going to leave them just as soon as someone better comes along. So they attack your self-esteem to bring you down to their level, to make you feel as unworthy of them as they feel of you.
Once you understand this you can address it.
Thanks for the thoughtful blog. I am a straight woman in a monogamous relationship with a wonderful bisexual man. We have a great partnership and love each other very much. My problem, however, is that he has a really difficult time having an orgasm with me. While I know that sex can be lovely even without an orgasm, and that coming does not always have to be the focus of sex, it has contributed to a couple of issues that I’m having.
First of all, since he hardly ever comes, he’s always horny. It gets physically uncomfortable for me trying to keep up with his sex drive, but I try very hard to keep up because I want to satisfy him. We have been together a year, and I thought that as he got more comfortable in the relationship he would start coming. I have told him that I love having sex with him, and that sex can be fun even if it doesn’t end in an orgasm all the time, that he shouldn’t feel pressured, but that I’m willing to try different things if it will help him come. He says he’s still nervous having sex with me, and as soon as he’s conscious that he’s about to come he thinks “this is it! don’t blow it!” and he loses it. I’m worried that he may only able to relax and to come with people he’s strictly physical with. His first sexual experience was at age 8 with an adult man, and he’s had numerous and varied experiences ever since. Some of his experiences (including his fist experience) seem like abuse to me, but he does not classify them that way because he ended up enjoying them. He was also raised in a severely dysfunctional family with hard core pornography, and I know that he both enjoys and resents porn. He loves having sex with men he finds intimidating, and he talks to me about his past sexual experiences a lot.
This leads to my second issue, which is that I get insecure. He says that he loves having sex with me even though he’s not coming (he comes by himself, so he does have some relief), and I know he loves me and wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. I’m nervous that he’ll want to be physically satisfied with another person though, and will end up cheating on me. I have been cheated on a couple of times in the past with men I trusted, and while I really feel like my current boyfriend is different, I don’t want to be naive. I know that a lot of otherwise wonderful people justify cheating for all kinds of reasons. The idea of being cheated on worries me both for emotional and for safety reasons.
My boyfriend is a very considerate lover, my best friend, and like no other guy I’ve met in my life, but I am still nervous about talking to him because of my own issues about speaking up, and because I don’t want to make him more nervous about sex or nervous about talking openly to me about his sexuality. He is not “out,” so I’m the only one he talks to about being bisexual and the experiences he’s had. Do you have any recommendations? Should I/how should I talk to him about my concerns? Thanks for any advice. I’ve appreciated reading your thoughtful responses to past questions/comments.
Hi Susan
With due respect you are guilty of solipsism here. You are projecting your thoughts and fears into your boyfriend’s mind and assuming he’s going to share them.
He’s telling you he loves having sex with you. Yet you are choosing to ignore this or treat it with disbelief. And instead preferring to believe you are not satisfying him and that consequently he will inevitably cheat on you.
This is not a good way to approach things, its only going to make your relationship suffer. If you honestly believe that your boyfriend is your best friend and if you trust him, then you have to do him the courtesy of believing him when he tells you he “loves having sex with you”.
As for your boyfriend, well if you’d like him to reach orgasm more often, then the last thing you need to do is put more pressure on him to cum because you are feeling insecure.
From what you’ve written, it sounds boyfriend’s bisexual experiences have involved some level of power-exchange and predominantly placed him in a “bottom” (or submissive) role. In these encounters the “top” (or dominant partner) ultimately assumes responsibility for how the sex session pans out.
Now when a guy has sex with a girl, the girl is typically the bottom and the guy is typically the top. (This isn’t always the case but its the norm.) So if you’re boyfriend finds himself in the dominant role, he’s switching and assuming responsibility for the overall enjoyment of your sex life.
All of a sudden he feels has to worry about pleasing you, whereas when he was the bottom in a sex-session, he could just let his partner please himself.
The irony here is, you are worried you are not satisfying him, but the reality is probably that he’s trying too hard and putting too much pressure on himself to satisfy you.
So you both need to stop upping the stakes and worrying about sex and given your boyfriend’s history its easier for you to take the lead in this than him.
Work at making sex a no pressure encounter, no pressure to cum or to bring the other partner to orgasm. Treat everything from the odd quickie to the steamiest all night romp as perfect. Make it an exercise in intimacy rather than sexual performance.
Try to get the point where you can just cuddle up together, with or without penetration and just fall asleep in each other arms, and that be OK with no-one feeling they should have done more.
If you are having trouble working out how to do this, well simply suggest it. Tell him that you love him and that you love having sex with him but that tonight you just want to fall asleep in his arms, nothing more nothing less. And when you are cuddled up together, remember to tell him how happy you are. The purpose of this is to help him realise he can satisfy you without having to expand any great effort or put pressure on himself.
Do this often and slowly but surely you’ll both learn to relax. He’ll become less nervous about sex with you and he’ll climax more freely and you’ll wonder why you were ever worried that you weren’t satisfying him.
I think you’re pretty close in terms of the bedroom dynamics. He gets off by pleasing his partner, and is most turned on when his partner is demanding. As a submissive myself it’s hard for me to let someone focus attention on my pleasure, let alone be demanding. I’ll work at finding ways to assume more control though so that he’s not under constant pressure.
I also really appreciate your advice about my fears of being cheated on and will take it to heart.
Thanks again for the thoughtful content of your blog, and for taking the time to help me and my boyfriend. It doesn’t go unappreciated that even though you should not have to be responsible for representing bi guys to their lovers, you do it anyway, with tact and compassion.
Hello,
My long distance boyfriend of 7 months just told me that several years ago he had a lot of questions about his sexuality. He had had girlfriends, but was still curious about and attracted to other men. He had two same sex relationships that he says were “as full blown as they could be” but they were never fulfilling to him. He said that although the attraction will always remain, it is something he will never go back to, and he considers himself lucky to be attracted to females as well. He assures me that he is supremely confident that he wants to live a straight lifestyle because he knows that a relationship with a man is not what he wants. Not to mention, we are both Christians and he had a sense of guilt as well. His last same sex relationship ended over 4 years ago.
Additionally, we have not had sex yet. He was unable to “keep it up” but it was also before he told me. Due to the distance, our chances for being intimate are few and far between. He is hoping that the reason he was unable to perform is because he knew he had such a big secret he was keeping from me, and didn’t quite have the comfort level with me that he wanted in order to be intimate.
He assures me he would never cheat on me and explained it as no different than any other relationship where you might find someone attractive but choose not to act on it.
I don’t really know what my question is. I’m having a hard time accepting that he had two actual relationships with guys. For some reason I’d feel more secure if it had been just a curiosity that fizzled out. Any advice or comments or insight into understanding him and his decision to live a straight lifestyle despite his ongoing attraction to men would be appreciated. Do I have anything to be worried about? Is this a red flag that could come back to haunt me?
Thanks a million.
Personally the only red flag I see here is misplaced Christian guilt.
Why would an all powerful, all knowing god care where we stick our penises? Its like asking Steven Hawkins to give a lecture on how to tie your shoelaces. Not a good use of his time and somewhat insignificant when you consider the scale of the universe.
To be honest I don’t think god cares (if he even exists at all). In contrast its religion that has the objection, because the more sins they have to beat us over the head with the more tools they have to make us feel worthless. The more worthless we feel the more we feel like we need religion.
But to get to the point. If your boyfriend is repressing his same-sex attraction because of an unhealthy dose of Christian guilt. Then the evidence suggests he is going to relapse. Christianity has proved to be a poor cure for homosexuality and same-sex attraction in spite of the claims of groups like Exodus International (two of their founding members when on to have what amounted to a gay-wedding ffs).
However, if he has generally has decided he prefers women and that’s where he wants lay his bed, provided this isn’t done out of sense of Christian guilt, then you’ve nothing to worry about.
I’ve been in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend for three years now. A few days ago he decided to tell me he was bisexual, and has known for longer than he has been with me. We’re both going to college in less than a month; he’ll be in New York and I’m going to Georgia. We’ve decided that we’re going to keep an open relationship and see other people in college, but still try and keep a semi-relationship going, as long as we’re both comfortable with that.
I guess I took it pretty well. I didn’t get upset or yell at him, I just told him that this didn’t change my feelings towards him and that I would always accept him for who he was. I was a little stung that he neglected to tell me for so long, because I’ve been quite open and honest with him about pretty much every aspect of my life, including the not-so pretty ones. After he came out to me he confessed that he hoped he wouldn’t have to tell me about his orientation, and then that he probably shouldn’t have told me.
He’s always been a little worried that I’ll leave him for someone “better” (His self esteem is a little low, he’s one of those quiet techies). Now I’m afraid that because of telling me he’ll be worried that I’ll judge him for it and become even more withdrawn. So my question is; Is there any way I can make him more comfortable with telling me these kinds of things? I’ve already proclaimed my love for him and promised that I’ll always accept his orientation.
My only request for him was that if he’s going to remain with me after college that he keep it monogamous (my definition: don’t bring anyone else to live with us). I’m just not into three person relationships.
Hello,
I want to say thank you for this site, it’s really refreshing to see an honest and open blog about such an extremely sensitive subject.
I don’t really have a question, just concern. My concern is really about my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and before that we dated in high school. In college he explored his sexuality, and has always been honest about them with me (at first I was confused, scared, etc., but I came to a realization that he loved me enough to tell me about the experiences). Since then I’ve done my best to be open and a little more adventurous in the bedroom (nothing to far from my comfort zone and he never put pressure on me, I would say that since he came out our sex life has only gotten better).
I worry though because I stumbled across some questionable emails. I brought them up, and he swears that nothing physical ever happened, he just really enjoyed being complimented and liked to fantasize. I believe him, but the way he explained it made it sound like he was ashamed of himself. I just hate to think that not only is he confused about himself, but also ashamed, and I want to help him feel better about himself. I just don’t know if me being with him, is helping him repress his true self. He’s only ever talked about his bisexuality with me, and I really think at the least he needs to have another person to talk to (one he’s not in a relationship with and afraid to offend).
I love him an amazing amount, and I know he loves me. I just want whats best for him and would appreciate any advice you can give.
I’ve published photos of myself on different web-boards and social networking sites, these have, on occasion, attracted fan-mail, mostly from people who are totally unsuitable for me and/or I would have no sexual interest in. But still its nice to be complemented. Sometimes when I was feeling needy, I’d flirt back with these people, even though I knew it was never going to go anywhere, I just enjoyed the attention.
Its impossible to tell without asking him whether he engaged in this correspondence simply because he enjoyed the attention or because he has some unfulfilled sexual need that cannot be satisfied by a heterosexual relationship. However, not every bisexual requires heterosexual and homosexual encounters to feel fulfilled. That may sound like an oxymoron, but bisexual doesn’t just mean someone is attracted to both genders, it can also mean they are attracted to either gender.
Frankly I think if you love him and he loves you then you have nothing to worry about.
Hi Whatnow,
Well, what now indeed? You are about to go away to college and separate from each other and you’ve decided to allow one another to see other people whilst you are away. You must both realise that if you go down this path, there’s a good chance that you will both meet someone else whom you like just as much or more and that your relationship could come to a natural end. Straight, gay or bisexual, the physical distance between you and dating other people by mutual consent whilst you are away is in fact a bigger threat to your relationship than your boyfriend’s sexual orientation.
If your boyfriend is smart and if he also has self-esteem issues and believes that you are too good for him. Then I’m willing to bet he’s worried about the prospect of you meeting someone else whilst you are away at college and you dumping him for someone “better”. If he becomes withdrawn 10-1 its because of this.
Finally, lots of guys have trouble expressing their feelings, and bi-guys in particular have a lot of trouble acknowledging their bisexuality. So if I were you I wouldn’t feel upset or surprised or blame yourself in any way for him taking 3+ years to tell you. He’s probably spent most of this time hoping these feelings would go-away so he wouldn’t have to tell you. If he’s the quiet type anyway, then the only thing you can do to make him open up more is boost his self-confidence in general. But frankly you are going to have preciously little opportunity to do this after the next month, especially if you are dating freshmen in Georgia, whilst he sits alone on his computer browsing tech forums in New York.
I think you missed my point. I did discuss it with him and believe him that it was just attention, I also enjoy attention so it’s not that difficult of a concept to get.
But the descriptions he used of how he felt were ashamed/disgusted with himself/felt gross/etc…. not just I was turned on and that is that. And I really am worried that he has these kinds of feelings about himself more then anything. I know from reading other posts on this website that you think this goes back to an abandonment issue that I have, but honestly I really don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to feel disgusted in their behavior…. is there nothing I can do to help him from feeling like that.
Hi Just worried.
I actually don’t think him feeling disgusted or ashamed of himself has anything to do with any abandonment issues you may or may not have. The two are no way linked. One has to do with how he perceives his sexuality and the other has to do with into who’s arms you fear it might lead him.
What I’m slightly unclear about is whether he is ashamed of himself because he thinks he’s betrayed your confidence by replying to these emails or if he’s ashamed because he has some residual shame about his bisexual urges.
If its the later, then the only thing you can do to help is to reflect on his same-sex feelings in a positive way. This applies both inside and outside the bedroom.
Not sure if that helps.
Thanks for your advice, bitheway. It was quite helpful. It’s not that he lacks confidence though; it’s just that though he is quite social and very intelligent, he doesn’t share much of his personal life with very many people.
The going away to college thing works both ways as well. He stands a chance to meet someone else just as much as I do. Although I hope we don’t; I know that presently I love him more than I’ve ever loved any person
I’ve just come out of a 10 year man on man gay relationship. I’ve dated a few guy’s but guys just seem to not do it for me anymore plus being an older guy 32 years of age sex does not seem to be the be and all in a relationship. There been a few flirtation in the past with females but it was all tong in check stuff.
So 14 years and made the big coming out to my family that I’m gay and believe me that wasn’t not the happiest of times and now thinking of dating women.
I want things that I just don’t think a guy can provide so what do I do. And what would I say to a women and when should I tell her. On a first date sounds like a bit of a turn of to the whole affair before it lifts off.
I’m completely lost.
Hi Matt
Well generally its bad form to bring up your past sex-life on a first date. Straight, gay or bisexual, the way to woo your partner is to be approachable, relaxed, funny and interested in what they have to say. Once you’ve established that connection and you’ve both decided you like each other, then a few dates down the line, when you start to share more of yourselves with each other, then is the time to bring up your sexuality.
I’m an alternating bisexual, which basically means I can find myself attracted to men or women, as opposed to men and women, so as far my partner is concerned my sexuality is really an irrelevance to them. Still I tend to tell them about it fairly early on, but I generally wait until the 4th date. By which time I’ve established enough of a relationship with them to realise they can’t define me by my sexuality.
So just on that second note. How would you deal coming out to the family after 14 year of them dealing with you being gay then deciding that you like women. – Should I just leave it until things progress to that point that you might be having a serious relationship with a women.
Hi Matt
Well generally speaking I think if your family has accepted you as Gay, they will be generally fairly accepting of you coming out as straight or bisexual.
Frankly I don’t think it matters if you tell them now or tell them when you have met that special girl. The downside to waiting is that they might assume that you “met a girl that turned you straight.” That it was all down to her rather than your own choices. Whereas if you tell them before you meet someone then they might start inferring and try to fit you up with someone. (Which may or may not be a bad thing.)
It really depends on what your family are like, you’re the best judge of how they are likely to react. But if they accepted you as Gay, then I can’t see how they would react negatively to you deciding you want to be with a woman.
Hi,
I found this website because I’ve been trying to search for some advice. I can’t really confide to anyone and now I am confused and sad.
I accidentally found these emails from my bf’s phone. He’s been receiving emails from a group he signed up. Emails contain links and pictures of naked men. The day I found those emails I was shocked, hurt, cheated and deceived. Everyday, I think about it but I act normal when I’m with him.
One day, he left his computer on. I looked at his history and favorites, they were mostly gay porn sites. I also found some pics he saved of muscled men wearing thong. He also has lots of hardcore gay sex videos and a few straight videos.
He doesn’t know I know. So one day I emailed him. I told him after all these years we’ve been together, you never even showed signs that you’re sexually attracted to me. And I also mentioned that our friends make fun of him for being vain. He replied and said he respects me and didn’t want to take advantage every time we were together. He said he’s not bothered by what other people think of him. Then, at the end he said, that he’s a lucky guy for having me in his life because whatever other people say, I told him I love him for who he is.
He acts manly and never would have suspected because he doesn’t check out other guys. He’s not the guy who’s likely to cheat either because he’s shy. He’s a good man with a good heart. Loving son and brother and cousin. He’s been nice to me. I love him dearly but every time I think about what I know and saw, it makes me sad and nervous…endless questions but no answer. Do I stay in this relationship? He always tell me that he’s in for the long run. I am so confused and don’t have anybody to tell. Sometimes I think of ways on how to get back to him for lying to me, but I can’t bring myself into. I am also guilty of invading his privacy, but after I saw those emails from his phone, I couldn’t help but investigate further.
Do I walk away from my dream guy gone gay? Actually, I don’t even know if he’s gay or bi.