Jun 22 2008
How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend
So you’ve just found out your boyfriend is bisexual. Now what?
Well that really depends on the matter you discovered his bisexuality. If he came out to candidly he probably needs a hug and a bit of moral support. If you caught him in bed with another guy (or a girl if you’re coming at this from the gay angle), then you probably are well within your rights to throw that Ming vase at him, call him every name under the sun and lock yourself in the bathroom crying.
Still whatever the circumstances, remember this, your boyfriend’s bisexuality is not a reflection on you. Its not caused by something you have or haven’t done, its not something you could have prevented. Its not your fault. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all, its just the way he is. He can’t help being bisexual, and believe me at some point, most of us have tried not to be.
CASE A: Your boyfriend just came out to you as bisexual
So how do you talk to bisexual boyfriend after this bombshell?
First know that he still loves you, he probably told you this in his coming out speech, if he didn’t, he meant to. The last thing he wanted to do was make you feel inadequate, he was just trying to be honest about his feelings and you were important enough to him to be the person he chose to share his secret with.
Know that he’s probably been agonising over telling you for ages, and probably tried several times and lost his nerve, frightened that you wouldn’t understand and that you’d leave him if you found out. It takes an awful lot of courage to come out as a bisexual, especially for men who find themselves already in a relationship, so its no surprise that many bisexual men don’t come out at all. Its made even harder if you or your spouse have deeply held religious convictions.
So now that you appreciate just how hard it was for your boyfriend to tell you he was bisexual, you are probably a little better equipped to deal with it and offer a supportive response. The best thing you can do right now is be accepting of his sexuality. Don’t argue with him about it, don’t call him gay (or ‘a breeder’ if you previously thought he was exclusively gay), don’t suggest its just a phase, be accepting and say something supportive. You probably have a million questions, but take a moment to make him feel good about his decision to tell you.
What does it mean for your relationship?
Well this is a question you should ask, probably after pouring each other a stiff drink. The answer is different for every couple. Your bisexual boyfriend, almost certainly won’t want things between you and him to change, but he may ask you to accept him seeing other people, which may seem like a big change for you. He won’t see it as such a big deal, because he genuinely does still love you, he just wants to sleep with people of the opposite sex to you now and again.
Equally though he may not ask anything more of you than occasionally renting a gay porno rather than a straight one, who knows perhaps you’ll enjoy watching it together? Yes there are bisexual men who don’t need relationships with both genders on the go at the same time.
The truth is each couple is different, how you deal with it and renegotiate the boundaries of your relationship is entirely unique to you and your boyfriend. But there are some basic rules you follow.
- Don’t agree to anything you are uncomfortable with.
- Listen and consider each request.
- Avoid saying “NO WAY” to something right away, offer to consider it and return with your decision.
- Keep a dialogue open and come back and discuss things further.
Any agreements you make are renegotiable. If you decide you can’t handle something you though you could deal with a few weeks ago, come back and say so. But don’t blame or resent your bisexual boyfriend for taking you at your word in the meantime.
Finally remember you are in a very special relationship. Your boyfriend loved you enough to tell you he was bisexual, he was being honest with you and being honest with himself. You share a special bond of confidence and honesty that a lot of relationships lack. This revelation is a blessing as much as a curse.
CASE B: You caught your boyfriend in bed with someone else and found out he’s bisexual
Pretty much the same as Case A, only for some reason, he didn’t have the balls to tell you. He probably wanted to, but was too scared of how you’d react. You are probably more hurt that he didn’t feel able to tell you than you are by the deception, but ten to a penny he keeping this a secret because he didn’t want to risk losing you. Now realising his mistake he’s really sorry that he’s hurt you.
Take some time, don’t talk whilst angry, but do keep channels of communication open, come back and talk about things and remember your bisexual boyfriend loves you, he always has.
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260 Responses to “How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend”
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Thank you for this! My situation was “Case A,” how apt that I read this on the 2-year anniversary of coming out to my girlfriend.
Glad to be of some help.
I should point out (for the sake of search engine optimisation) that this entry applies equally for those who discovered their husband is bisexual, just as much as it applies to unmarried couples.
I would agree that in both case scenarios communication should not die out. But what if your boyfriend kept it a secret for a couple of years and then decides to tell his girlfriend, I can imagine her being hurt and a bit recentful for the fact that he’s known her for so long, yet hold out a couple of years just to figure out if he was indeed bi or not.
Not only is he expecting her to accept and respect him but he’s ignoring her feelings in the process, regardless of how much he says he loves her and enough to tell her about his secret. At some point she was willing to give it all up for him, just find out a few years later that he’s bi and that he had no intention to settle down with her.
I think that this might be a bitter pill to swallow for someone and that at no point should a person’s feelings change towards each other. But, and I say this with very much love, it does not add up to the hurt and pain a person goes through when the person they loved turned around and said: “I’m sorry but I just don’t think I’m the man you’re looking for. I’ll always be your friend.”
I always make sure and tell ‘em right off the bat. And I never, ever apologize for it.
Hi Jamie
Its always good when you can do that, but I think a lot of guys find themselves in a relationship, when they have that Eureka moment. So often when you first come out, its not possible to have told your girlfriend up-front, simply because you didn’t realise what your bisexual feelings meant at the time when your started dating.
David
It’s obvious to me that this is a touchy subject. Even though my wife knew all along about my bisexuality (even before we started dating), it’s always been a difficult thing for her. As you’ve said before, sexuality is evolving all the time, and I definitely feel differently about my bisexuality today that what I used to feel 5 years ago. Also, the way that I express my bisexuality today is different from 5 years ago, and that’s something my partner needs to understand and learn how to deal with (and I’m not even talking about an open relationship!).
I’ve been so terrified of hurting my partners all along this process that I’ve hurt them sometimes. I’ve learned that the only way to avoid this is being brutally honest with myself and my partners, even when it’s only confusion that I have to share.
Hey Kid A,
So it’s been your 2 year anniversary of being openly bisexual and with your girlfriend?
How has it worked out? Do you have an arrangement for you to see men? Does she get involved?
Your reply would be really helpful as I’m trying to work out things with my boyfriend.
X
Cupid
p.s(thanks David for recommending this site)
[...] But by far the simplest solution is just come right out and ask him, though before you do I’d recommend you read my earlier post on How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend. [...]
Just recently my boyfriend came out to me. We had been together since the 8th grade- 6 years. I am also bisexual and had my suspicions about him, but I waited patiently for him to be comfortable enough to tell me. When he finally confessed, we decided that since we had been together so long, neither of us had been able to explore our sexuality. So, I gave him permission to have sex with other guys, but we have certain guidelines. It can have its moments of high stress in the relationship, but it also feels good to be in a relationship that is so loving and secure. Im just glad he no longer has to hide who he is.
Ok.. so I am one of those that it was kept hidden from. Loving someone for 2 years giving it my all, and then felt things were just not right.. one suspicion led to another..
Of course in talking with him, it was all denied…
The thing that has me angered the most is why is he trying to live a secret life? To allow one to fall in love with them and not be honest, I feel is just not right.
HELLO ALL, i would just like to say one thing -why on earth would a woman, having been in a relationship, settle for a bisexual man??
It’s almost as if you are giving him a free ticket to go off and do whatever it is to keep his life on the straight and narrow – SELFISH, he most definately is.
Girls, from a person who has been there and done that – one the bisexuality comes out, there is no where for a heterosexual relationship to go – unfortunately, rather than battling with one sex (being the opposite one) you are battling with two – it’s just too big an ask!
I was in love, and then i realised that actually, the life I wanted to lead was not with 3 people in the relationship, him, me and his bit of man from time to time – it is disgusting and to be honest, shows that a man as very little thought for his lady!
Bi = gay! Men that are bi are too afraid to bite the bullet. Opposite sex relationships are the norm, so staying in the safe zone is fine, until urges subside. Any man that wants to have sex with another man ..and then a woman..and then a man IS GAY.
Even though “Hardup” posted with what strikes me as an obviously forged email address and untraceable alias, I decided to publish her comment as an example of exactly the kind of bigoted prejudice bisexual men have to put up with.
Hardup: I’m sorry you had a shitty experience. But don’t tar us all with the same brush! Least of all because not all bisexuals want a three-way relationship (read: The Alternating Bisexual.) There are also many successful polyamorous relationships, particularly those where both partners have other sexual partners.
Right now you are blinded by your own anger at your ex-boyfriend, but that doesn’t give you the right to take it out on the rest of us.
Thank you so much for posting this, bitheway.
My boyfriend just came out to me last night. I know I didn’t act in the best manner as I could’ve: I cried and got really upset because my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and neither of us never really knew. He told me he never considered being bi after all these years because he was with me; however, after several things triggered his questioning of his orientation, he finally figured it out 2 weeks ago and didn’t know how to tell me. I’m the only one who knows and it’s really hard keeping this to myself because I want to discuss this with other people.
The thing I was most afraid of, though, was that he would leave me for another guy. I started getting paranoid as to how he realized he was bi because I thought, “Did he start seeing how hot some guys are?” and freaked out because I thought he’d be less attracted to me. However, he said that his newfound orientation didn’t change his love for me at all and that he still loved me very much and didn’t want to leave me…
Anyway, to shorten it up, my case was definitely Case A and I just needed some closure as to how to deal with the situation. I apologized to him for acting horribly tonight after reading this because I was being selfish and completely in my own shock instead of realizing how much it hurt him to hear me cry over what he told me. So thank you very much for helping me realize how much support he needs from me. I’m sorry this was so long, but I just really wanted to thank you very much for this advice. =)
Hi Alice – no problem. I’m sure you and your boyfriend will do just fine.
If you need to talk to someone about this, then you are very welcome to post any questions or comments you have here on the Blog.
There are also a number of other on-line resources which I’ve linked down the side of the page. In particular the Shy Bi-Guys Forum, which is normally a male only realm but they offer temporary membership to women with questions about by bi boyfriends or husbands, you might find this useful in the short term.
Tom Robinson’s web site Both Ways is also pretty good as is this guide I think I’m Bi what do I do now? from Bi Community News.
hiya, I have just found out my boyfriend is bi after 3 years of relationship. Im upset and confused and really need to talk to some one. pls email me at katie95183@hotmail.co.uk
kate
hey, I think that my boyfriend may be bi curious or something along those lines. I found some saved history on his computer on accident and its stirred alot of questions because I had absolutely no idea, he had it hidden very well. I asked him about it but he just jokes and stuff so I don’t know how to talk to him about it. The last thing I want to do is hurt him so it’s making me skurmmish to talk about it. I think he might be going still on craigslist and setting up meetings with guys and im just confused and really need to talk to someone…there isnt really anyone id feel comfortable talking to about it. I want us to stay together though, be able to talk about it, work out something where if he really needs to have pleasures from guys there has to be a way to incorporiating that and still being together. I dont think at all he is doing this because he isnt in love with me anymore or anything like that, maybe just exploring? If you could email me it would be great, thanks in advance!
hello, i am/ have been in a relationship with a guy for 2 years now. going into the relationship, i knew that my boyfriend was bi, but after getting to know him better i realized that it dosent change how i feel about him. besides, im bi myself. before him, i was a lesbian, now i have the mind frame of “falling in love with the person not the gender”….however, i know this may sound VERY VERY VERY contradictive or w/e- but its like i dont know how to deal with him being bi. knowing that i have to not only compete with females, but males also? like i said, we both knew about each other’s sexuality years ago, and before we decided to make it official. but that was years ago, we were both young and dumb in a sense, doing w/e just to have “fun”. now that were older, engaged, growing and learning as time flies, its [to me] time to move on and grow together. its time for us to become one and leave the past in the past….i dont know what to do or how to deal with it, i just feel that we both need to leave our “bi-ness” behind us and move foward. like i said, he deals with the same issue with me, but he is more accepting towards me than i am towards him. i accept it, but i wish that it wasnt as much as a problem. not saying that bisexuality is a problem, it just feels as if it shouldnt be a problem in our relationship. im confused and hurt because i feel as if im letting my mind tell me “oh, thats wrong” and “no one will accept your relationship”. i guess the true problem is that im afraid of dealing with our sexualities and how our relationship will look in the public’s eye. BUT I DEALT WITH THIS WHOLE ‘PRESSURE FROM THE PUBLIC’ BEFORE…i mean, i was a lesbian for years. and still have many lesbian and gay friends. i just never thought that this would come back into my home, my relationship, my love….and taunt me the way it is. please, i need some type of feed back….thank you all for helping…
Hi Lostinlove
I’m going to say to you what I said to Tricia in an email:
To hell with appearances, they aren’t important, what’s important is what you think and whether or not you love this guy and whether or not he loves you. I know its a cliché but love does conquer all.
If you love each other then any relationship is a pre-ordained success. John Lennon was right: “Love is all you need”. So fuck convention, if you love each other, then you’ll make it work.
[...] been a flurry of activity on my post “How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend“, for obvious reasons this is attracting comments from women, who have just discovered or at [...]
I have a problem with the idea of unconditionally accepting your bisexual boyfriend for a few reasons. I am what some people might call a “dominant” woman having an affair with a young man who has a live-in girlfriend. We met through an online posting. He was attracted to it because I am open to bisexual men and he was seeking a woman whom he could live out his fantasies with. I’ve found that many bicurious men seek out certain women as catalysts. Men might find it easier expressing their bisexual nature with certain people. Once they are in a relationship coming out becomes more difficult. One thing I will say in defense of “Hardup” is this: many people believe that cheating is cheating no matter what the gender. The example of my lover and me is an example. There is no telling whether or not your bisexual boyfriend will turn to another woman he feels is more accepting of his sexuality. I don’t necessarily agree that a girlfriend should provide complete acceptance when she catches her man with cheating with another man. Neither my lover nor me are innocents and I’ve tried talking to him about being honest with his girlfriend and with himself. Only time will tell if that day will come. Moreover, there is a strong likelyhood he would cheat on me as well if he were to choose me as his main girlfriend.
I just recently came out that I am bi to my girlfriend. We have been together for 3 years and always had an inclination that I was and would often say suggestive things about guys to me to see how I would react, she must have suspected something. So one day I decided to admit it. And boy did it not go well at all.
She just totally flipped out on me and made me feel like a bad person for being that way. I don’t want to be with guys and her in an open relationship but wouldn’t mind in experimenting with bi porn or even a threesome with another man. As the days have gone on, there has been a little change, telling me she won’t have sex with me because she feels uncomfortable and we won’t again until she is OK with it.
Its very difficult because it was so hard to come out, but she just has this stigma about it, with responses like “you are just going to go cheat” and “why are you with me if you like guys” and the constant questioning of if I care for her. I love her and would love to marry her but I need to get her to understand before we can move forward with our relationship. How can I get her to understand?
Hi Switch
Sorry your girlfriend didn’t take well to your coming out.
Clearly she needs a crash course in what it means to be bisexual. Getting her to read this blog would be a start, but there are other resources out there.
This PDF (although a little tricky to assemble in page order) is quite good:
http://www.bicommunitynews.co.uk/both_directions.pdf
And Tom Robinson’s site “bothways” is very good too
http://bothways.com/
Simple fact is a lot of bi-guys are monogamous (I am), a lot of straight men have affairs. What *I’d* say to your girlfriend is this: “If your boyfriend has been honest with you about his sexuality and he trusted you enough to confide in you, then on balance, don’t you think you can trust him when he says, he’ll never cheat on you?”
Re bitheway comments on 30 Dec:
How people find the pdf of ‘Both Directions’ hard to follow mystifies me – but then maybe I have spent a lot of my life fiddling with bits of paper to make flyers and such!
Sheet 2 goes on the back of sheet 1, sheet 4 on the back of sheet 3… (Reordering the pages so they flow 1, 2-3, 4-5 makes it a nightmare to print out and assemble in the right order and it’s there as a pdf principally for people to print out and distribute)
Is there some magic form of words you can come up with that I should get added to that web page?
Hi Jen
Sounds like that’s not the first time you’ve heard someone say the PDF is tricky to assemble.
Fact is ppl don’t tend to have dual sided printers at home, we’re used to blank side to every sheet, and a lot of ppl will read it without printing.
For on-line distribution, I’d be tempted to reformat the PDF so it was 1 page per sheet, rather than 4, that way you could browse it on-line without printing and no assembly would be required if a home user decided to print it.
The current format only works if you are doing a professional print and producing a booklet to hand-out. That might work at bi-con, but at home its not what folks want. Instead they want something they can read on-screen or print with their inkjet. Least that’s what I want.
I have discovered that my boyfriend might be bicurious or bi sexual. He had admitted in the beginning of our relationship that he had a bisexual experience in the past. He was a receiver but not the giver (you know what I mean). It was not something he enjoyed and he would never do it again. I recently discovered that his experiences were much more than that. He at one time called himself bisexual and looked for people to share bisexual experiences with. I really care for him a lot. I am lost. He doesn’t know that I know yet. This stuff happened long before I was ever in the picture.Can a person have these sort of sexual struggles and come to the final conclusion that it’s not for them? I haven’t even had the courage to face him with this until I sort it out within myself. We are compatible with most everything except this. I am a straight female that has many gay and bisexual friends. I love them regardless of their sexual orientation. I can handle this if I have the security in knowing it’s behind him and it has no bearing on the relationship we have now. Can that even be possible? I am not sure if I am even ready for approach. I wish he would have told me on his own. In his shoes, I don’t know if I would have been able to tell it either. I am a very honest and open individual but this leaves me looking at what I would have done. I see his side. I am sure it has to be more than difficult. If it’s something he has put behind him than he may not want to share it anyway. Any advise?
Sounds like your b/f was fairly honest with you from the start. So he told you he had bi experiences, but didn’t tell you he identified as “bisexual”. Big deal! Would you crucify him if he said “I used to vote republican,” but didn’t mention he was once a paid up member of the GOP?
The two go hand in hand, get used to the idea.
To answer your question: Sexuality is a continuum, that is to say, our desires can change over time, your boyfriend may well not have any further desires to explore his bisexuality and may now identify as straight. But even if he still identifies as bisexual that DOES NOT MEAN HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU!
I’m bisexual and I would never dream of cheating on someone I’m dating. I just might date a girl this year and a guy next, until I find my soulmate, whatever gender they happen to be, then I’ll settle down. On the surface that will probably make me look either straight or gay, but scratch beneath that and I’ll always be bisexual. (IE: Capable of falling in love with a man or a woman.)
I don’t know why that makes women feel so threatened. For every straight man, there probably more than one woman in the world he could fall for. So Why does this seem so threatening when the range of people a person could fall for spans both genders?
And frankly if you are going to be accepting of people’s sexuality you can start by being accepting of your boyfriend’s sexual orientation, whatever that might be today.
Very insightful and exactly what I needed. Thanks bitheway.
My boyfriend of 4 months confessed he thinks he’s bi. He said he had been with guys past years but not recently. I had millions of questions about his past but couldn’t go over the detail since I was in tremendous shock but he mentioned he had been uncomfortable about who he is and he’d been sad and depressed about it.
I was compassionate and supportive when he confessed to me. Although I love him for who he is, in deep inside of me I felt I was deceived and he should have told me his sexuality sooner. Especially since he had intercourse with other men it should have been his responsibility to tell me so before he slept with me. Now I feel my health is threatened.
He says he loves me but now I know he is curious about other men. I’m a straight female who has lots of gay, lesbian and bi friends and I’m open minded. I myself think some women are so gorgeous and I can mentally connect deep with my female friends. However, it’s still hard for me to accept he is/could be attracted to some men “sexually.”
He has been hurt by people who cannot accept him who he is. I would like to be supportive for him and accept him for who he is but I’m not confident to keep our romantic relationship going. I would always have fear that he would wonder what it would be like to be with a man when he is with me. I know many bisexual men ended up with men even after they were married and had children.
I really wanted to be happy with him but I’m still stunned and I feel hopeless to keep us going. I feel like we should be just friends if we could. I think having sex confuses me and confuses him. Honestly, I’m not sure what to do. I appreciate any advice. Thank you!
Its difficult to offer specific advice as each individual relationship is so different. But here are some general observations:
I’m always surprised to hear that women feel ‘deceived’ that their boyfriends didn’t declare their bisexuality sooner. This assumes that their boyfriend was able to quantify their sexuality before this time. Believe it or not many people (including academics) wrongly believe that bisexuality is an exclusively female condition. So its not wholly surprising that a lot of bi-guys struggle to apply to he bisexual label to themselves.
Most I’m sure, like myself, spent years confused as to whether they were straight or gay. The option of a third way doesn’t always occur to us immediately.
As to your sexual health – well if he’s had male partners in the last year (and used protection) then the risk to you is minimal and arguably far less than had had he been sleeping around having unprotected sex with women. Its also worth pointing out that anal sex – which is no doubt where your concerns lie – is just as common amongst straight couples as gay partners. So your concerns about sexual health should not be based on your partners sexuality, but instead on their sexual practices – ie: did they use a condom?
Finally it seems to me that both you and your boyfriend are confused about bisexuality and what it means for you, can I suggest you keep reading the blog and in particular take a look at the following articles:
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/bisexuality/
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2008/05/28/13-types-of-bisexual/
OK. So me and my ex girlfriend had been together for a while and were in love. We had a perfect summer together and when she went off to college I would visit her, we would have sex like 24/7 and we were happily in love.
Now I don’t know what to do. She found out about my past sexual relations with a good friend of mine who is a guy. In my personal opinion sexuality is irrelevant and I do who I want with no labels thrown in confusing things. She dosent feel that way. She feels like I should have told her before we got together that I was “bi”. I tried to explain to her that I still really love her and don’t want things to get screwed up over something so stupid. I cant seem to get through to her though. She says its a turn off and she dosen’t think she can be with me any more because its physically unattractive that i did stuff with a guy. She also said she was afraid of me cheating on her with another guy and checking out other guys when I’m with her. I assured her that I was into her and only her. I told her I’m not interested in other girls never mind other guys.
But I refuse to not be true to myself and act like I’m not into guys sometimes because I am. By the end of our conversation she said she wasn’t sure how she felt any more and she’s confused. She said she had to go because she was about to cry.
To make things more complicated I had sex with another girl while we were together and it didn’t even bother her. The fact that I did things with a guy before we were even together bothers her more than the fact that I cheated on her with a girl.
I NEVER ask for advice on anything but I really feel for her and she felt for me and we had a good thing together and I don’t want to let her go. Yet her ignorance is making me about to just say forget it. I guess its one of those knowing when to give up or when to try harder things. It’s hard though because I really love her and I know deep down she loves me too, but just cant get past this. I just wish I could make her understand.
Any help? I’m lost, confused, angry, hurt. I feel like she should love me regardless of the fact that I can go either way sexually. I see it as nothing while she seeing it as everything.
Hey Irritated,
You’re completely right, she should love you irrespective of your sexuality. You have every right to feel angry. And you are right, this is no big deal – and should not be a big deal to anyone.
Fact is she clearly has a prejudice and frankly she sounds homophobic/biphobic. Yes – its homophobic/biphobic to find someone physically unattractive because they once had sex with someone of the same sex.
What can I say? You’re in love with a biphobe, I can’t tell you to dump, her all I can say its this isn’t your fault and its not your hang-up. Its hers, all hers.
thanks for the advice. we just got back together a bit ago lol
OK, my boyfriend of 2 years I bisexual. I know he is and have known from the beginning and I am fine with it. I know he has had boyfriends in the past and done things with them and I am fine with that.
But recently my boyfriend asked me have a threesome with another guy, and I’m not to sure if I am going to be OK with this. He has reassured me so much that I’m not setting myself up to be hurt, that after it has happened it wont ruin or relationship and that he wont cheat on me or do anything with another guy while he is with me (which he hopes is forever). He says that he will still love me as he always does and he will love me more than anyone else from both sexes and that he will not turn completely gay because he likes straight sex with me too much to be able to turn gay. And that if I really don’t feel comfortable with it then we wont do it
And all that is all very reassuring and I want my boyfriend to be able to be who he is and not have to deny it, but I dunno if I will be able to see him with another guy. I dunno how this will affect our relationship afterwards. I know he says it wont, but my imagination is very wild.
I would like advice please, has anyone been in this sort of situation before? If so how did it go?
I need help on this please.
e-mail me on kelly.potts@hotmail.co.uk If you have any advice for me
Please don’t tell me to leave my boyfriend, I love him too much and I cant cope without him.
I was with my (supposedly straight) boyfriend for 5 years before he told me of his sexual attraction to men. Now I’m not a bigot, but the man I was attracted to and developed a relationship with had told me that he was straight for 4 years. So finding out that it wasn’t the case was a HUGE blow. Especially when he told me that he’d had these thoughts, fantasies and attractions before we’d met.
As much as I loved him, and still do, I can’t be with a man who has sex with other men. Period. I’m not anti-anal either, lots of straight men enjoy anal. They just enjoy recieving it from a woman.
Instead of asking him to repress who he felt he was, or doing things I wasn’t comfortable with, I broke it off. He’s still dating women and has yet to confide in any girlfriend he’s had since me. Probably because of the rejection he found with me once he had told.
Being bi isn’t something I think is wrong or bad or anything like that, but springing it on someone who has grown to love you as a straight person isn’t exactly confidence inspiring. Either tell them from the beginning or keep that particular fantasy to yourself.
Besides that, sexual orientation has nothing to do with whether or not you’re faithful to your partner. Having bi feelings is completely different from acting on it and expecting your partner to be ok with you having sex with other people.
Hopeful Romantic,
Am I to assume from your post that you dumped your boyfriend just because you were uncomfortable with the bisexual label?
Because, lets be honest, your boyfriend has always been bisexual. He didn’t become bisexual when he finally labelled himself as Bi and came out to. So you fell in love with a bisexual. You just didn’t know it, that is not a reason to dump anybody.
There are many reasons why people don’t come out, in spite of having bisexual fantasies. One reason is fear of rejection (which in this case seems rightly placed). Another is denial, where the person treats his bisexual fantasies and feelings as a dirty secret. But more common than not the reason is ignorance about bisexuality and been unable to put a label on your feelings.
All of these feelings combine to keep bi-guys in the closet and unable to talk about their feelings. Its not intended to be deceptive, but social prejudices don’t help us come to terms with our feelings easily.
I really hope there were other reasons why you ended the relationship because not all of us bisexuals want concurrent relationships. Being bisexual can simply mean that a guy is capable of falling in love with a person of either gender. It does not always mean they want to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time.
Hi, I’m having troubles with my current BF of 2 years. He has had sex with one man before but it was “purely physical” and they did it even while his partner was in a hetero relationship. He says he’d never be in an emotional relationship with a guy and says he’s totally straight, which I think is BS. Although this is the past, I’m having a hard time forgiving him not only for doing it with a “committed” man but it also makes me extremely insecure because he doesn’t see it as cheating.
I have had bisexual tendencies myself so I told him that if he should be free to experiment so should I. He totally rejected it saying that it was a breach of trust because I was more prone to fall in love with my female lover.
I know that being bisexual doesn’t mean he’s going to cheat on me with a guy/girl.
I do have the fantasy of having gang sex and we have a lot of MFM porn. Some are MtF porn. But I don’t think it’d work in a monogamous relationship, which I want. I’m not even sure if he wants it either…he’s never cheated on anyone (the closest thing is the above situation) but because he was “close” to it, I’m scared.
I want to accept him as he is, and I am trying. But sometimes while we are intimate he blurts something about MFM (sometimes about his male lover) and it turns me off. I know I shouldn’t dump him on just being bi…but we fight because I feel more insecure and want to leave.
I am the most “serious” GF he’s had and I’ve been battling this feeling for so long. We live together so I do know what he does at night…and he always comes home on time. But I have this dark fear that he’s with another guy (I found a toy but he’s never used it in front of me)…is my intuition right or should I try to trust him?
And is he a closet gay? He says he wants to have kids, and wants a wife, and I’m sure he likes women…but I feel inadequate because when I use a strap-on he always says it doesn’t feel “like the real thing”…so I give up.
Phoebe, it sounds like this is more your issue than your boyfriend’s.
Clearly your boyfriend is not entirely straight, but neither is he closet gay. The writing is on the wall here, you know and he knows it, he’s bisexual.
OK so before you met, he had an affair with a guy who was in a hetero relationship. I suppose he doesn’t see this as cheating because he hadn’t promised himself to anyone. The other guy was the one cheating on his girlfriend.
That’s probably not entirely in-line with your moral view-point and I have some sympathy with you take on that relationship, but as you observed, your boyfriend has never cheated on you or anyone else whilst *he* was in a relationship.
I’d say you are fairly safe with him. From what you’ve said it doesn’t seem like there is any suggestion he would cheat on you, though I fully expect he might ask you to entertain the idea of a threesome. )
Still if you are feeling insecure tell him, if he’s smart he’ll make effort to reassure you and demonstrate just how much he loves you.
PS: Your boyfriend is right, strap-ons are nice, but nothing like the real thing.
I’m feeling quite confused at the moment.
I got together with my boyfriend for about 3 months ago and he was always honest with me about being bi — and also a virgin. He had done stuff with men, very little if anything with women — and had never had full sex with either sex before. He keeps saying that he thinks his boy phase is over, but he is also quite open about being into guys, as well as girls.
We have a fantastic relationship — we both fell very heavily in love with each other and we have a really amazing rapport and love doing the same things together. I’m comfortable with him being bi — as long as he really is into me.
The problem is that we have only managed to have sex three times –always with me on top. He doesn’t seem to have a great deal of interesting in penetrating me and when he has tried he has not quite been hard enough to do it. We do all the foreplay but we alway seems to end up masturbating rather than having sex with me. This is becoming increasingly an issue for me.
On Saturday we had an incredibly romantic and perfect day. He is quite coy about his bisexuality and we were talking in a very intimate and romantic setting and I asked him if he had always known he was bi. He told me about some very early sex play he had got up to with a boy when he was 8 or 9. He told me that he thinks he likes the aesthetics of girls but the raw cockness of men. I told him that I felt that I knew that he was really attracted to me and really into me but that I felt that women weren’t really where his sex drive – his thrust if you like, lays. he just went quiet and said ‘sorry’. I suppose I was looking glum or serious because he asked me if I was ok, and said that I didn’t look ok. I replied, not meaning to be cruel, but I can see that it hurt him, that ‘I don’t want to be your straight experiment that is not quite working.’ He said ‘is this not working then?’ and I said ‘well only that you haven’t ever ….’ The next thing I knew he was not speaking to me, and had gone cold and was just going to go home. It was only later at the station that he saw me in tears that he came back to me and we worked things out in the morning.
At the moment I don’t know if he just is not interested in sleeping with me, is just too nervous, wants to but doesn’t really fancy me/women enough or whether he has erectile problems or whether I am just wanting too much too soon!
I absolutely love the time we share together and I want to be understanding and accepting of him and not put added pressure on him — and yet I also have to deal with these feelings/worries/frustrations too!
This article was so reassuring for me.
My boyfriend of 2 years is a bisexual and I have known this from when we first started dating. He fancies guys but says it is purely on a physical level. We have an amazing relationship and I love him very much, and this is why we have an arrangement that he is allowed to sleep with other men.
However, this is not easy. as a straight, monogomas girl all I want is my boyfriend to be satisfied with just me. I know it is not his fault, but it doesn’t make it an easy thing to let happen.
Love does hurt sometimes.
Hi Galatea
A lot of guys are insecure about sex, but its not “manly” to show these insecurities.
Of course you have a right to be sexually fulfilled. But if he is just lacking in confidence, telling him he’s not done enough is only going to be counter-productive. Build him up don’t put him down.
Find out what turns him on, you might just need to get a bit kinky, give him the confidence to suggest his fantasies by sharing yours, invariably you can both enjoy each others.
When you have each others trust in the bedroom, you are in a stronger position to figure out what his issues are without asking questions which are liable to dent his confidence.
That’s actually really helpful. thank you!
This is such a hard subject to deal with. And, just like being bi, there is no “one” answer or way to feel about it. I’m not homophobic, but my bf being bi is still hard to deal with. Before I was emotionally involved with someone who is Bi, I thought people should just be who they are and find someone who loves them that way. I have an aunt who was straight (married) and then decided she was a lesbian (and married again) and totally not into guys now. I don’t have any close experience (before him) with bisexuals. My gay uncle says no men are bi, just gay waiting to come out. I think that is all bullcrap. I think you can be both, or one then the other. But, even with this background, when I caught my man doing the “guy” thing, I flipped.
And, honestly I do feel upset that he didn’t share this with me. We’ve been together 3 years, he was doing it for 5 years before me. It was a year ago that I found out (I caught him), we broke up for a month (to give him space to figure it out and to go try it without “cheating” on me), and then 11 months of no “guy” stuff and now 2 months ago it starts again. So, every time I ask for advice on a website (I wouldn’t talk about it to anyone I know-I would never betray him like that) I get this “you’re homophobic” bullcrap. But, he’s had years to deal with it, and I just found out when a message popped up on the computer (I’d come over and he dropped the screen and acted funny) but the IM popped up from a guy saying how much he liked my BF ****ing him the last time and can’t wait til tonight. I’d had no time to deal with it or come to terms with it. Total shocker to me. Then, I’m supposed to just be ok with it immediately?
I never would have chosen to have a bi relationship. And, even if it seems unaccepting or phobic to some, being lied to weakens trust and then you wonder if they’ll lie about doing things too and all of a sudden you don’t just have to worry about him with girls, but with guys as well. Intellectually, I know he’s not attracted to every member of the female population and so won’t be to every guy, but it “feels” like you have the whole dang world to worry about now.
Further complicating things (at least in my book) is that this desire seems to ebb and flow. I have always felt like I can deal with what I know, but with (his) bisexuality, you can’t deal because it changes.
He finally admitted to having sex with guys before me. He says he’s straight, doesn’t want emotional commitment with men and just had hookups where he’s the top and the receiver on oral. We broke up to give him space and let him try out the guy thing. He had a couple of experiences and then came back and said it was the idea of it he liked, but he doesn’t want it and loves/wants to be with me.
Then, he wanted to do it again. We decided to allow him “safe” hookups with guys. It is always emotionally traumatic. I start out supportive, and while he is gone end up falling apart. He says guys give better head and I feel like I’m lacking there. It ends up affecting our sex life, because I feel like I’m not enough for him and THAT makes me feel bad about myself, unattractive and UNsexual.
I really do want to understand and be supportive. But, I have to do meditation and self talks to be comfortable with it and then I am much better. (I am very monogamous by nature). But, I have to kind of “steel” myself for it (it’s only been 2 months since we’ve decided to be “open”-I’m working on it). But, I ask him to be honest about his needs/desires. One day, he really wants men and then the next he’s telling me he doesn’t want it at all. I understand that it is not static, but when he says he doesn’t want it, I am not bracing myself and then he will call when I am not balanced and am off center and say he met someone–can he go?
Surely you feel the desire, the need, the whatever coming don’t you? I wish he could forewarn me that he’s looking and wanting it, so I am prepared. I know he is confused, and didn’t want to be gay, doesn’t want to be bi, is worried about the social stigma and is hurting, but dang it! So, am I!
I think that is the hardest thing about it. You think you’re in a straight monogamous relationship and then Bam! you’re in a bisexual one. He tells me he doesn’t want the guy thing anymore–it’s over, he’s come to terms with it, he just wants me. I know my confusion stems from HIS confusion, but I can’t seem to get my feet on steady ground.
I wish he would just say “Yes, I’m bi. I want to have sex with men, but I love you.” I’ve asked if I can be present and he “doesn’t want me to see him that way”. I want to be involved and part of his life. He wants that separate (at least for now). He doesn’t want to watch gay/bi porn with me. He doesn’t want to tell me about the “guy” thing.
How do couples work that out? How does the straight partner deal with it? And, I know labels are a bad thing, but how can you call yourself straight if you’re a guy having sex with guys? And, does it really matter if you’re just the giver on anal and the receiver on oral? Isn’t it just really about being with a guy? Because we do anal and oral and he still wants something else. So, it’s not the “act” it’s what gender you’re doing it with.
Any true advice or help would be appreciated.
Galatea,
Your description of your boyfriend could have been a description of me some years ago. My early experiences with both men and women were pretty disastrous because I was always so nervous that I would often go soft, and then felt useless and awkward. You sound frustrated that so many of your attempts at intimacy with your boyfriend end with masturbation rather than intercourse, yet, in my experience, that’s precisely how the problem was overcome. Over a period of time, with partners who gave the time and attention, I found that my sexual confidence grew as we spent time cuddling, kissing, massaging and masturbating each other. Indeed, some of my most intimate and affectionate experiences were of this sort. I would plead with you to be patient with your boyfriend – if he feels as awkward as I once did, he’ll value your patient love and attention.
Thanks Marston, I really appreciate your comment – and will do my best to be more patient… its not like all that other stuff isn’t fun!
Rampant Confusion,
I’ve been pondering what you wrote since I read it a few days ago, and I’m still uncertain what to say. Clearly, you are hurting badly as a result of your boyfriend’s behaviour. It seems to me that he is behaving very selfishly, which is the sort of thing that can often give bisexuality a bad name. But, sadly, many of us have behaved selfishly in the past – the fear and confusion that goes with realising that you might be bi tends to allow you an excuse to do that. I’m not defending his behaviour, just pointing out that that tends to be how it sometimes is.
Ultimately, if your relationship is to survive, you and he need to be able to be clear about the boundaries. Are you willing, in the long term, to be part of an open relationship? It sounds as if this arrangement hurts you, which is entirely understandable if you are an essentially monogamous person yourself. Is he ever going to be able to be clear and honest about what he wants? It sounds as if he is a long way from that at the moment, and it will take time before he gets to that point. I don’t really know how couples manage this sort of thing: my experience of trying to manage an open relationship ended in tears. (Is there anyone out there with experience of making these things work successfully?)
It ‘s perhaps a bit of a cliche to say that communication is essential to any successful relationship, but like all cliches it has a core of some truth in it. I suspect that if you and your boyfriend want this relationship to work, you will need to keep talking, and each need to be honest with each other. And that includes you being honest with him about the pain that you are feeling: he may be confused and angry about things, but he still has responsibilities towards you. And you should not feel guilty about the fact that you are finding this difficult: it is a hard thing for you to have to deal with.
I don’t know if any of this has been very helpful, but I hope that it might be.
Hey, i just came out to my girlfriend that i was bisexual last night.
She was pretty ok with it at first, she just acted a bit awkward. Later the night we got into a huge argument about her jealousy issues.
Before i came out she had a huge problem with me hanging out with the opposite sex but now that i came out she says she has a problem with me hanging out with the SAME sex =. I really dont know what to do because i thought she would be cool with it. I also, really would like to try having intercourse with members of the same sex, just to experiment it wouldn’t be to hurt her.
Lately I have just been having these strong urges to have sex with other guys and I know shell never be OK with that we’ve been in a relationship for 2 years and i have no clue what to do but in really love her and i don’t want to lose her I would just want to experiment with other guys to see how I feel. I’m really confused, and I feel that it is really necessary for me to experiment with members of the same sex to see if I really am bi. I really don’t know what to do my girlfriend is really jealous and insecure please help!!!! =]
My bf is bi, and I can not deal with it. I find it very upsetting and I always wonder if he’ll come out one day and tell me he is gay. Though he says he is not gay, he is bi. He is very young and I am older than him. We love each other very much and live together. We are currently in a monogamous relationship, but I always wonder if he will cheat on me or tell me at some point he needs/wants a guy. He came out to me and himself after yr of dating. We were not exclusive during that time, though I never knew how many woman he was with and that he was bi.
I feel as if he will never be truly mine.
Hi Mary
Like your boyfriend, I’m Bisexual. I too am in a monogamous relationship with a women who is also older than me.
I have no interest in dating anyone else and if my feelings about this woman are as strong as I think they are I probably never will want anyone else.
Being bisexual does not necessarily mean you need have relations with both sexes. For an Alternating Bisexual like me it just means I have the capacity to fall in love with either gender.
Now that you are going steady, you have no more reason to fear him cheating on you with another guy than with a woman.
Hi Marston, (if you see this)
You responded to my message (above) a little while back saying that I need to be patient in bed with my guy and not be pushy on the sex front because “if he feels as awkward as I once did, he’ll value your patient love and attention.”
I’m really trying to do that and haven’t mentioned sex at all since that night although on his suggestion I bought some toys that we’ve been having some fun with — and I see that as progress in a way, just in terms of becoming more confident with each other!
But what I was wondering is, what is that used to make you feel awkward? Was it just because your experiences had all been with guys and so you weren’t sure what you were doing with girls or something else? Sorry I don’t mean to turn this into something about you — I’m just wondering what he might be going through! Others might have input too.
Thanks!
Hi Bitheway,
Thank you for your reoply. I am having a tough time with this. It’s the visual that bothers me too. How does your gf deal with your past? my bf claims to be Hedonistic Bi,
but I have my fears. We talk all the time and he is very understanding but he is getting tired of my questioning. Do you have any advice for me, I want to just love and enjoy him and I know am pushing him away.
How can I just except that he is sexually open minded, without the fear that he is gay and will come out one day.
He’s a great guy and I adore him.
Thank you,
Mary
Hi Galatea,
It’s good to hear that you and your bf are beginning to find ways of having fun that don’t put him under pressure. I’ve been giving some thought to your question, and I think there were two big things that made me feel awkward in my early sexual adventures.
Firstly, I am quite a shy person, and found the intimacy of being naked and physically close to another person quite threatening. In a situation of physical intimacy, you are revealing something of your self, and I felt very vulnerable in that situation. In my case, it probably didn’t help that all my early experiences were casual encounters with people I didn’t know – I was terrified of rejection by friends that I fancied, and so went off in search of sex with strangers – not a happy situation for someone who is shy and craves affection as well as sex. And that fear can be cumulative for a guy: once you’ve experienced the loss of an erection, you can be fearful that it will happen every time you try to have sex, and so you feel more anxious, and so it happens again, and so you get caught in a cycle, which is why it’s important to focus on other things for a bit to take the pressure off. That fear of intimacy could affect people of any sexual orientation, so is not a specifically bi problem.
But the second thing is more particular to being bi. I was in such a state of confusion about my orientation, that I was desperate to try everything quickly in order to resolve the question. I wanted to bed a woman to prove that I was not gay, but I also wanted to try sex with a guy to be sure that I had ticked all the boxes and tried all the options. It meant that my experiences were actually rather clinical, and lacked any sense of fun and spontanaity. I guess plenty of straight guys lose their virginity in an attempt to prove something to themselves, but struggling with my bisexuality left me anxious that I was about to commit myself to the ‘wrong’ sex – hardly the right frame of mind in which to approach intimacy with another person.
Alongside these problems was the fact that I was suffering from depression for quite a while, and I think that probably complicated matters – it certainly added to my sense of vulnerability when with another person.
Of course, I have no idea whether your boyfriend is experiencing the same things that I was: he may well be experiencing very different things. What I do know is that relationships in which there was real affection and real care were the things that helped resolve these things for me. I’m now happily married, and my wife turns me on so much that it seems almost incredible that I once found it difficult to penetrate a woman.
I hope this is helpful.
Hey, You never responded to my last comment. i just came out to my girlfriend that i was bisexual last night.
She was pretty ok with it at first, she just acted a bit awkward. Later the night we got into a huge argument about her jealousy issues.
Before i came out she had a huge problem with me hanging out with the opposite sex but now that i came out she says she has a problem with me hanging out with the SAME sex =. I really dont know what to do because i thought she would be cool with it. I also, really would like to try having intercourse with members of the same sex, just to experiment it wouldn’t be to hurt her.
Lately I have just been having these strong urges to have sex with other guys and I know shell never be OK with that we’ve been in a relationship for 2 years and i have no clue what to do but in really love her and i don’t want to lose her I would just want to experiment with other guys to see how I feel. I’m really confused, and I feel that it is really necessary for me to experiment with members of the same sex to see if I really am bi. I really don’t know what to do my girlfriend is really jealous and insecure please help!!!! =]
Thanks Marston, I really appreciate your comment and the time you took to respond.
I ve been in a relationship with a guy for almost 3 months. A few weeks ago he wanted to ask me a serious question so I said, sure what is it? He asked me how i came out, because I m bi sexual and he thinks he is as well. I asked him what his feelings are and if this is the first time he has felt this. He was telling me he is curious about doing sexual acts with guys but does not think he could get emotionally attached so I told him he is probably just bi cuious; I have a few friends who are. Everything was fine after that but two days ago he was acting wierd. He said he is losing sleep over it and thinks he might be able to have an emotional attachment to men, and does not know who he is. I also learned his parents would tell him from an early age homosexualitly is wrong. I m trying my best to be there for him and give him advice. I know he is still struggling with himself, is there anything else I can do to help him.
Amanda, I think the best thing you can do for your boyfriend is to let him know that you will love him and accept him no matter where his personal journey takes him. If he is reassured that you have his back (and trust me, he will need to be told over and over) and that it is possible for him to be bisexual, a real man, AND in a relationship with you, all at the same time. If he feels like he can explore his desires in safety, then eventually he will progress through his panic and start some healthy, constructive soul-searching.
It sounds like so far your reaction has been exactly what he needs, so that’s cool.
Shane, it’s hard to know what to say. It sounds like your girlfriend has issues of her own that need some work, especially if she can’t even deal with you having female friends. Jealousy is an awful thing, but it can be instructive – if you can follow it back to its source, you may be able to find the deepest roots of your fear and insecurity and (hopefully) work on healing them.
Now that she knows you’re bi, though, it seems she won’t be able to deal with you having non-sexual friendships with either gender. This, to me, sounds like an unworkable situation – when her insecurity totally eclipses your happiness then something is seriously wrong, and the relationship must either change or end.
Either way, I hope you can work things out and find happiness. *hug*
well i can relate to this my boyfriend recent tell me that he bisexual i really did not know to handle it so what should i do to be supportive
Happy to say that thanks to patience and not letting him see that I was getting worried that his sexuality was the issue, my problem has resolved itself! Thanks for letting me get out my worries here — rather than putting extra stress on him!
Ok…I’ll start by saying I’m in love with my bisexual boyfriend of 4 months. The first day we met, he let me know that he was attracted to me. I knew he was bi when we started dating (he told me about 2 weeks after we met!) So about after a year of being friends, he told me that he had sex with a guy and other “minor” things. That was before we met. I was a little uncomfortable at first but we were just friends. Now that we’re on a deeper emotional level I am in a war with myself. I’ve brought up to him that I’m scared of him not wanting me but a man instead. He loves me and says that he would never do such a thing. Your quote that says ” you’re so important to him for him to confide his secret to you” brought me to tears. I had never thought about it that way. My plea to you is to help me settle my war among myself to gain some closure or ease in my mind that he might actually mean what he says. We are young and in love and I see myself with him for the long run. But if you have any words of wisdom for me to see that bi men can actually be satisfied and monogomous with a woman, then please bestow that upon me! I want to be able to completly trust in him and in my heart for saying “yes” to him.
Hi
I really would like some help regarding my boyfriend. The first day we met I found out he was bisexual and i did not and still do not feel insecure or bothered about it. I’m a gay man and I’ve struggled with my sexuality as well as dated bi men in the past so it was not a big deal.
The difference is I am more in love with him than any guy I’ve even been with. He seems to love me too, but he goes through times when being bisexual (combined with other regular life issues) really leaves him confused and lost. During these times his confidence goes down so much, he becomes shy, and quiet, sometimes moody. Then a few weeks later he will snap back and seem fine.
What I would really like to know is how I can help him. He goes into his shell so intensely I don’t want to upset him by making him talk about something he doesn’t want to. And during the times when he seems happy, I find it hard to bring up the topic, for fear it may cause him to start feeling bad about himself. Truly, with or without me in his life, I want him to be happy, and content.
What are some ways to approach a guy (he’s 20 years old) when he feels down about himself and lost due to his bisexuality. How can I comfort him? What is the right time to approach him? And will this last, or does aging calm the storms?
Please help me. Thank you so much.
Can I comment on Rampant Confusion’s comment from back in March? I hope she still reads this. I totally understand where you are coming from. My bisexual bf of 4 years has received nothing but openness, love and acceptance from me. He has my full permission to hook up with men, whenever he wants. I put two conditions on it:
1. he use condoms
2. he tell me every time (afterwards is fine) he hooks up
In spite of my love and tolerance, he does not be true to the agreement we made–on either condition.
Like yours, he obviously feels shame–he says he’s “over it” and doesnt need it anymore, then goes out and does it again. He does not like me to think of him doing things like giving head.
It hurts me hugely that I am not enough for him, but because I dont have a penis, I accept I can not give him what he needs. I constantly wonder whether the pain of being involved with someone who is not monogamous with me is worth it. It hurts all the time.
It’s like I have double the competition now–men and women can take his fancy (he has cheated on me with women also).
I love him dearly. Very dearly. I am doing anything and everything I can to stay with him.
But until you are on the receiving end of watching your partner go out to have sex with ANOTHER PERSON, you can not know how much it hurts. I have made a decision that I will take the pain, but what do I do now that he is not keeping his end of our deal–that he be open and honest. I have to deal with cheating as well!
The reason monogamy is a social institution is because anything else can be so destructive and painful, the heart aches to billio. Monogamy is common sense.
I wish there were no such thing as bisexual men. They either have to not fulfill their bisexual desires, remain single, or hurt their womenfolk.
My heart aches and aches.
To Self Conflicted
No-one can give you a guarantee that your boyfriend will be loyal and faithful to you, nor a promise that he is not going to want to act on his bisexual feelings. It is impossible for bisexually active men to be monogamous.
There is no general rule for how bisexual men will behave. You need to talk to him, offer him unconditional love and consider whether you can handle being involved with someone who is possibly bisexual and therefore has the potential to need sex with other people.
I have a dishonest bisexual boyfriend, who risks my sexual health, because his manliness is threatened by telling me. This is even though I have offered him nothing but acceptance and tolerance and understanding. He’d rather deceive me than admit he likes sex with men.
Look in your heart and his and you will find your answer.
I have a male best friend, that i have known for at least a year, (i’m female by the way), i’m a straight female that has no issues with gay or lesbians or bi-sexual, me and my best mate get on great we have always flirted and i’ve always thought that he is bi or gay, ive never really asked him, but have just gone on the way he is, a few of my friends have asked him, sometimes he would say no or just not bother to answer them, about 6 months ago he told me he has feelings for me, and asked me if i felt the same, i admitted that i had feelings for him but was hiding them because he was my best mate and didnt want to spoil that.
I have 3 children and after a few days of him trying to get to grips with these feelings he decided that he couldn’t get in a relationship cos i have children, i was hurt but accepted that because i think alot of him and didn’t want to lose him as a friend, so we decided to date other people and get it out of our systems. he became involved with a girl and i accepted that.
Then after a few weeks of dating her he texted me, so we met up for a chat and he told me that he didn’t really find her sexually satisfying, by this time I had dated someone too. Then after around 3 months of me being in a relationship and him being single, he decided to tell me that he loved me and we should be together, this really screwed me up, but I decided that I had feelings for him still and was unfair to carry on with my relationship. When I asked him what we was gonna do, he turned round and said he loved me but couldn’t commit to relationship, Oh my God! My world fell apart. I questioned everything and asked him if he thought he was gay, he looked at me with great pain and I put together that he was gay curious, although I do believe he would never be in a relationship with a man it was clear that he was curious and was attracted to males, he then said that he wanted us to be in relationship, but this has now scared me cos he has said that he is bisexual, but wants to get with me, I’m so scared of what I could be getting myself into, but on the other hand scared of letting him go…. I don’t have a problem with him being bi but am scared that he’s just using me to cover up what he really feels.
None of my friends understand how I feel, they are angry that he treats me this way by him one minute wanting me next minute he doesn’t, the last few days have been hell cos he’s tried hard to have sex with me, but I just cant get myself to, as I really don’t know if he using me for a cover up he wants to be with men…. I know I’ve babbled but I just need to release this to people that are experiencing the same thing, I feel totally alone…
Thanks all
Issey,
I am really sorry to read your comment of 19 July, and can only sympathise with the pain you feel. Deceit of the sort your boyfriend is practising is truly terrible. As a bisexual man, I am clear about the commitment I made to my wife when we married, and could never hurt her in that way, but I had to go through a long period of messing about, during which I undoubtedly hurt other people, before I was able or ready to make that sort of commitment.
But whilst I have been willing to give up the prospect of sex with another man for the sake of the life I have with my wife, I cannot avoid the possibility of love. I have for some time now been very much in love with a male friend, and trying to live with the reality of loving two people sometimes feels like it could tear me apart. I won’t hurt my wife, but I can’t pretend that I don’t love him. Like you, my heart aches and aches.
I used to wish that there were no such thing as bisexuality – life seemed simpler if we could all be one thing or the other. But as I get older, I wonder if there is the possibility that bisexuals may be potentially capable of more sensitive relationships with others. We have to live with complexity in our own emotional lives, and the experience of that ought to make us more aware of the vulnerability of others. But that assumes that bisexuals have their own emotional lives sorted, and for many that can take a long time. Too many can, I know, stumble through life hurting others, and themselves. I’m sorry your boyfriend appears to be behaving in that way, particularly as it sounds as if you have done the most helpful things in being supportive and understanding.
The painful truth is that love hurts, and the partners of bisexuals can be particularly vulnerable. But I want you to know that there are bi men who understand that, and who try not to inflict that pain on those they love.
My bi boyfriend (who I love very much) is extremely shy, has no male or female friends at all as far as I am aware, and is very resistant to meeting mine or my family. He seems to have had friends in the past but not any more. He always makes out that not wanting to meet up with anyone has to do with the fact that he is not likely to have anything in common with them but he has also made a few little remarks about not wanting to be paraded or judged by others. The comments about not wanting to be judged or paraded though made me wonder if he worries that people when they meet him are instantly wondering about his sexuality and that that makes him nervous of meeting people?
I know that he is conscious that he can be quite “camp” sometimes — which with me he is usually comfortable with, even celebrated — although at other times he will be keen to avoid something as being ‘too gay’in his words. ( sorry i’m not sure if that is relevant at all!)
I know that he used to have an alcohol problem before I knew him which is in the past now. (I don’t know if these two points are related.) He hasn’t talked to me properly about this so left to my own devices my mind has related this to either “feeling down about himself and lost due to his bisexuality” — to quote Menaceboyy above – or the broken heart that he once mentioned to me.
He has not been on speakign terms with his brother for many years but is secretive as to why — and again, since I am left to my own imagination to guess as to why this is — I can’t help imagine that it relates to his sexuality and being judged — but this is purely my guesswork and could be any number of things of course.
He was incredibly shy on our first date, with nervous tics and looked like a frightened rabbit caught in the headlight — which I guess is not surprising as he is in his mid 30s and I was to be his first girlfriend. (he’d had boyfriend/s in the past- again not something he has really opened up to me about but I am very slowly building up a picture.)
His unwillingness to meet people is having an impact on my life as my family and family are getting angsty because he is avoiding meeting them; if we are out and near some friends of mine we can never ever meet up with them; and he refused to go to a wedding of a best friend of mine, although it woudl have meant a lot to me if he had attended. This has lead us to have a few arguments and although our relationship is going along swimmingly in most respects this is becoming quite a friction point.
I’m not asking for sterotyping here: ie Are all bi guys shy and withdrawn? — But am just wondering if this chimes with anyone and if you think his shyness / antisocialness might possibly (not necessarily) be related to his sexuality? I know that the best way to find this out is going to be to ask him, and I will when the timing is right, but in the mean time just wondered if all this resonates with anyone?
Going out with a bi guy was not something I had ever really thought about until I met him, and I have read lots on this site and elsewhere to try to overcome my misconceptions and prejudices etc but I’m still learning and I suppose I am worrying that by even asking this question, I am showing prejudice! I guess I would rather make any blunders here than with him!
Thanks for your help!
Hey guys
I’ve just started seeing a new guy who I feel I’ve got a real connection with and am really happy. We haven’t been seeing each other very long but everything is going really well. He added me on Facebook ages ago and it said his sexual orientation was women and men but he is very jokey and sarcastic and to be honest I wasn’t sure if it was true. He didn’t mention anything so I decided not to either.
Then earlier today he text me saying he was perving on someone but he has already kissed them and HE was rubbish!
I don’t know what to do really because i do like him but I could never be in a relationship where he was seeing other men as well. Plus i have jelousy issues anyway, so to know he could be getting with girls or guys behind my back makes me feel insecure to the max.
All that said though I still really like him. He’s gorgeous and has a great personality and we get on really well. So I just don’t know what to do. Any help or advice would be great, thanks
Amy
You need to talk to him, tell him how you feel. If he’s joking around about being bi, then its a pretty cruel joke, because its making you feel jealous.
If he is bisexual and the thought of him sleeping with, kissing or flirting with guys is an issue for you then you need to end the relationship.
If you have “jealously issues” you should not put yourself in the middle of a polyamorous relationship, you need a monogamous partner.
Regards
Bitheway
I have been with my fiance for about 2 1/2 years. I found out a few months into the relationship that he is “bi.” To make a long story short, he says he has never been with a guy, but likes to look and find them on the internet to chat/text with. Sometimes I find that exchange of pictures is involved, sometimes not. He always tells me he will quit, and does for a few months. I know at this point, it’s shame on me for hanging around. I just want for things to work. My problem/question is that even though he may be bisexual, should I be able to deal with this?? I think whether its another girl or another guy he’s doing this with, it is not right.
He doesn’t seem to understand his feelings and generally doesn’t want to discuss them.
Hi Alicia,
Bisexuality does not typically mean that your relationship will be doomed, or that you need to break up. However, bisexuality does call for negotiations and compromises.
It sounds like you are a monogamous woman, and would not want to have a third party, regardless of sex, to be sexually or emotionally involved with your fiancé. Ask him if he is capable of monogamy and would be “OK” with having you as his only sexual partner for the duration of your relationship. It might sound like an easy question, but you’d be surprised to how many people cannot answer it with full confidence.
Chances are, from what it sounds, that he might be interested in sex with men. If he’s interested in a full-blown relationship with a man, you may be in a pickle and might want to consider ending the relationship.
In my experience, my bi boyfriend does not love me less, but perhaps more than any of his previous partners because I have accepted his identity. But I am strictly monogamous and he had sacrificed a few fleeting feelings to be with me. Take comfort in knowing that he is considerate of you.
But lastly, know where he is in terms of what is the ideal relationship for him, and what is acceptable.
I read most but not all of this thread…I’m very confused and unsure about what to do with my “situation.” Months ago I found old Mfm ads my boyfriend posted before he and I were together. At the time he blamed it on drug abuse… I believed him he’s a very convincing man and since I have my own colorful past I couldn’t be angry with him for it. However it never left my thoughts and I was always curious because he would not openly admit the truth to me. Fast forward – he’s claiming he wants to marry me have kids the whole nine yards… Convinces me to move in with him and bam! After I settle myself I find out about more much more recent activity. Like two weeks ago while I was out of town for work. I’m not really sure why I’m writing this, I’m just a very private person and I can only assume that I just need to get this out and I can’t share this with my friends. I do believe that he loves me but as posted before cheating is cheating no matter what sex the other person is. How would or could I know, that he would remain faithful to me with desires so great for something I cannot provide him with? The worst part about this is that aside from his urges to be with a man he’s been the best boyfriend I’ve ever had… I’m not capable of allowing him to fullfill these needs and I refuse to be the 40 year old wife of a man that’s sneaking around with younger men because my boyfriend is that young man now and he will be that man when he’s 40. I love him but I want to be the only person he wants. OUCH! Bi men please be open about your sexuality I do believe there are women out there that can accept it it’s just not fair to do these things to one who can’t.
Becky,
How do you know he’s still interested in MFM? People change, we experiment we have fantasies, our tastes change.
If he says these fantasies are in the past and you don’t believe him, then you need to ask yourself, does that say something about his honesty or your willingness to trust.
If he’s “been the best boyfriend you’ve ever had” then that counts for something. Your colourful pasts aside…since you’ve been together, has he ever given you any reason not to trust him?
Think your answer lies there.
My boyfriend came out a few week ago. He has had sexual relations with a man since then with me in the room which have affected me. He wants to continue his ways with having other sexual partners however I fell it will tear us apart because I wont be able to handle it. I have told him no but feel guilty because he should have the right to. What should I do?
I knew my boyfriend was bi before we started going out. Now and again he slips and refers to something as “gay” (which nowadays I see translates to “lame”) or teases a gay friend (not maliciously but enough to make my ears perk). I don’t understand why he’s trying to act macho, I never gave him any indication that his bisexuality was a problem. Maybe his past whoreishness, but hey, that was with both sexes. Is this a case of self degradation for laughs (a case like only black people saying n*gga jokingly)? And he isn’t all that manly either–well, yes he LOOKS like a man in body shape and size, but his personality is not your typical beer guzzling sports watching stereotype–so why chose to act manly in this way, if that is the case? Also, he dumbs down past experiences with men when talking about them, almost negating them. Talking to his friends however, I know differently, or even keeping a keen ear out and hearing the discrepancies in his stories. How can I make him accept himself, when his friends and family already do? In fact, his coming out could have been as benign as telling everyone he prefers vanilla over chocolate.
Vi
Speaking as a bisexual man in a (monogamous) straight relationship, its very easy to fall back into the arena of straight behaviour and straight friends rub off on you. You do your best to fit in and that usually means you bury aspects of your personality that would cause discomfort within your social group.
For example when with straight friends I would normally avoid commenting on which guys I find attractive. Also if I was relating a story about my past, I would be less likely to include any boyfriends in the story, simply because it would make people uncomfortable.
The reverse is true to a degree when hanging out with gay friends, though its not so much they are uncomfortable about hearing of straight encounters, just disinterested.
I’m sure there is a degree of that going on with your boyfriend, and perhaps also a healthy dose of trying to draw a line under his past, particularly if he is happy being with you.
Amazing to stubble upon this Blog after the weekend I just had. Bitheway, this is has been great to spend some time reading your posts and comments and I have come to understand my situation a lot better. I have yet to read a similar situation as mine and I feel my situation is somewhat unique. My husband of 4 months (we have been together for 2 years) just told me Saturday morning that he is bisexual. I was shocked! I was shocked because I am bisexual and I told him about my bisexuality right after we met and was surprised he didn’t tell me. I was shocked because he is the most masculine, heterosexual guy I know. I was not upset about it, just SHOCKED. He apparently has known for years and engaged in sex with men for years (from 17 to 28 and he is now 31). I wasn’t mad at him for not telling me, I think I was just surprised that he did not feel comfortable telling me before now. I am very open with my bisexuality because I have known it since I was 18 and have slowly come to terms and come out to almost everyone except employers and complete strangers. So after he told me, his exact words to me were “Not everyone broadcasts their bisexuality, like you do.” Now, I was actually a little bit excited about this information. Partly because I am so open about my sexuality and partly because I love the idea of men together (and that kind of adult entertainment). I would go so far to say I am a bisexual with a strong attraction for woman, but love men and love seeing men with men. So after my husband tells me this, it actually translated into quite a wonderfully sexual weekend with each other.
So why am I writing and why am I concerned? Two things. First of all, I am monogamous. I would love to have sex with woman from time to time, but I will not do that to my husband and he knows it. So obviously, now I am concerned that he will not be monogamous with me. I knew he was not monogamous with his first wife (I knew about the women, I found out on Saturday about the men), so it concerns me that I will have to worry about this. My first reaction to him was, you do realize that oral sex is cheating, even with the same sex? He responded that he completely understood and would not do that to me. I know that this has more to do with the person and not the sexuality, but I guess this just presents more questions for me. However, I understand men’s sex drive. Is allowing him sex with other men something I should at least talk to him about and consider?
My second issue had to do with a long standing stereotype which I have now learned (from this blog) comes from the gay community. Even though I am bisexual and know exactly what it means, I always felt that bisexual men are on their way to being gay. This is because every male gay friend I have ever known was once bisexual and I have even dated men who were bisexual that ended up becoming gay. My husband tells me that sex with men was always just that, a sex thing, and I know exactly where he is coming from because I have always felt the same way about woman. However, I still have a problem getting past this stereotype no matter how hypocritical it seems. Even though I KNOW he loves woman and this does seem like a sex thing from the information he has given me (and he has been great about talking to me about it), I still have a hard time understanding that he has the same thoughts as me, but just in an opposite direction. I have to admit, reading this blog has helped me understand more what male bisexuality is all about, but I am still trying to get over this old stereotype. Actually, part of his reason for not telling me sooner was the fact that I always claimed that bi men were closeted men. I think he was worried that telling me would emasculate him, but amazingly in my eyes he is even more masculine and it is wonderful.
So I should just be happy that there is ONE more thing that my husband and I have in common (because we have almost all the same interests), and in many ways I am. I am excited and scared and interested all at once. I guess part of my reason for wanting to post to this blog is just a way to get it out and talk about it. My husband in no way wants anyone to know about this and I couldn’t tell any of my friends even if he didn’t mind. If I have a some difficulty understanding a bisexual man, as a bisexual woman, I know my friends would never understand. So this has been a nice way to vent, and I appreciate that.
Can’t believe I’m in this scenario….
Met him 6 months ago, and wanted to be friends only initially for other reasons, then he wanted more, and persuaded me in the same direction, and I fell in love with him, and it surprised me as I ended up really caring for him beyond what I would do for anyone.
The dynamics changed in the past weeks, and he decided we should stop having a relationship with reasons like ‘you deserve better’ etc. I was heartbroken as I couldn’t understand why.
A week later, he told me he’s bicurious. I wasn’t surprised. He said he still loves me, and still love everything about me like spending time with me and wants me in his life still. But I am still confused why he still doens’t want a relationship with me even if he is bicurious, unless he’s confused and wants to sort that out first before proceeding further. he kept saying he’ll just end up hurting me.
I’m not sure what to do. I want to be him, and to support him along the way as him being bicurious doesn’t bother me. I’m just hurt as I don’t understantd why he deosn’t want a relationship with me despite still loving me and claims he’s not fallen out of love with me.
Should I give him time? What is the true reasons?
Only he can give you the “true reasons” behind his withdrawal.
It *could* be down to him wanting to “explore” and fearing that if he does this whilst in a relationship with you that this would hurt you.
If this is the case then you have to ask yourself, would this hurt you? Or would it hurt more than losing the man you love altogether?
If you are happy for him to explore his bisexuality then tell him, particularly tell him if you think you can be together whilst he does this.
At the end of the day, you are already hurting because of his withdrawal from the relationship, and he has already wound up hurting you. So don’t let him use that as an excuse without getting the root of the problem.
I was informed last night of my boyfriends bisexual activities during cocaine induced partying. He no longer does drugs and we have enjoyed a great relationship over the past 10 months. For the past few months he has mentioned the excitement he recieves when he fantasizes of a “three way”. Now that I am aware of his sexual identity I have a better understanding of his fantasies.
I am very open minded and liberal but have some concerns. He refuses to discuss anything but the fact that he had these encounters. He stated that he is repulsed by the thought of being in an emotional relationship with a man. I know he loves me and is afraid this bombshell of information might hurt our relationship. I explained to him that it is not the information but the lack of information that is unsettling to me. Am I wrong in wanting to know if he had several encounters with different men and/or how long ago. Am I wrong in wanting to know how long he has felt these desires? I’m concerned that he is just beginning to understand his needs and in time may decide that he would prefer the company of men. I am 50 years old and am not sure if I want to spend valuable time waiting around to find out which direction he may take. Any suggestions?
Hi Amy
Its a difficult and doubt ridden time for women when they discover there partner is bisexual. Its hard on many levels but ultimately it all comes back to communication and trust.
He may not be communicating particularly well at the moment, at least as far as his past encounters are concerned. But that’s OK – he could well be embarrassed by them or be protecting another party by his silence.
Some of the guys I’ve slept with would be mortified it they knew I’d spoken to someone about our encounters because they are not out.
Equally would you want to hear about his past encounters with women? Probably not, its pretty vulgar right? Well same rules apply to men.
So upshot, Trust and Communication, talk about what he’s feeling now, not about his past encounters, talk about trust. Do you trust him? Can he trust you to treat this delicately? You get the idea… focus on the now.
Thank you for your reply and advice. Since my last writing we have discussed his encounters and they were exclusive. There was no “one” man. He frequented a “spa” that catered to gay sexual activities. I am horrified that I can’t readily accept this information without reservation. We are engaged but I’m now facing some anxious feelings about our future. He assures me that he loves the “feminity” of a woman and loves me but is attracted to men’s genitals. This is a really hard pill to swallow. Has research been conducted on bisexuals who choose to become homosexual as they age?? I am so torn and know that I can’t confide in friends or family as I have promised to keep his “secret”. Whoever answered my previous comment, I truly appreciate your support and advice. I am at a loss.
Hi Amy
There is no reliable research to show bisexual men become “more homosexual” as they age. Or that they are any less capable of being monogamous than gay or heterosexual men.
The whole bi’s turning gay myth is something perpetuated by the gay community because there are a number of homosexual men who for social and family reasons tried the “straight-life”. Naturally they found themselves falling off the “straight and narrow” and having encounters with other gay men. Eventually they accepted they were gay and had no significant interest in heterosexuality.
Because these gay men, went through a “bi-phase” they assume all bisexual men will eventually turn gay. This is a myth.
As a mathematician by training, I could tell you that the misconception arises from a basic misunderstanding of set theory. Example: All squares have four sides, but not all four sided shapes are squares. At risk of stating the obvious, many are rectangles.
I am so happy to come across this website. Everything else I have read has left me feeling so confused and like I should walk away from my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for ten months now. A month or so ago he told me that he had slept with guys before me. Initially he said that it was because he was curious and not having much luck with girls. Recently he admitted that he does have sexual feelings for guys. I didnt take the news that well but he handled my reaction well. He said that he loved me and that he was with me. He said it didnt matter who he looked at when he was single, he was with me. Apparently sex is just sex. I was paranoind because I feel like I am not enough with him and that in years to come he will turn around and say that he cant keep it at bay anymore. I am getting my head around it. I know that he loves me but I would be lying if I said I didnt feel insecure. Will this ease? He said he would never cheat, he wont look at bi/gay porn and that he knows that I am enough for him. Do you think that I am over reacting my being paranoid when he has done all this for me. To be honest he didnt seem put out at all when I asked him not to look at men-is that a good sign?
Sorry to warble. I love my BF and I want to believe we will last because he is the man I think I want to be with forever but I dont want to look back in years to come and hear him say he needs sex with men because I am afraid I will never have anything but a totally monogonous relationship (he knows this)!
Any comments would be really appreciated! Thanks
Hi, my name is Tyler. I am currently dating my girlfriend who I have been with for over a year now. Before dating, we were best friends for a few years and talked about everything. I have always been completely honest with her and she has been with me. The one thing however that I have kept from her is that I am bi curious. I have started to have these feelings of bi curiosity for the past few years and they are growing stronger with each day. I consider myself bisexual, I am extremely attracted to women but often fantasize about pleasing 1 or more men with my mouth and “tush” either by myself or while pleasing my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I are completely in love, she is very supportive of me and is very understanding. We are both extremely sexual and have sex very frequently with open minds to try new things all the time. Recently I have asked her if she would consider buying a strap on with me and go to town on my “tush” some nights because I love the feeling. She not only agreed to do it but was very excited about the idea. Over the past couple of months we have had great success with it. In the past few months I have tried to drop suddle hints about me with another guy just as jokes and just a few days ago my girlfriend caught a quick glimps on accident of one of my bisexual porn sites that I sometimes watch showing a man sandwiched between his gf and another man. My gf and I are monogamous and I would never consider cheating on her, but my curiosity is getting the best of me. I dont know entirely how to come out and tell her how I feel. Im sure she will accept me and will be mature about the situation and make me feel as comfortable with it as possible. Do you know how I tell her this? Also I am really itching to experiment with another guy(s), but I dont know of a way to do it in a safe and discrete manor because I am new to this. My attraction for other men is purely physical, all I want to do is please as many men as I can in the best way I possibly can if it is okay with my girlfriend. Is it possible to have my cake and eat it too by throwing away my inhibitions and satisfying another man while having my girlfriend still feel the same way about me? I think that is what I need to hear the most. Thanks!
Hi Tyler,
There’s not an easy answer to your question. There are some women who just cant stomach the idea of participating sexually (or even watching) whilst you have sex with another man. Others are OK with it, though they are a minority.
Remember that women are more inclined to see the act of sex as “love making” and have great difficulty understanding bi-guys when we explain how we can lust after having sex with a man without feeling any less love for our girlfriends.
Read some of the posts here written by women and you’ll see that many of them are very fearful of losing their bisexual boyfriends to gay-dom.
Tread carefully.
I talked to my girlfriend, explained the situation and everything turned out great. We are already planning on our next step to doing something kinky together!!! : )
Wow, reading over all of these entries a theme seems to emerge. Bi men cause alot of emotional damage, and do not seem to be empathic or remorseful about it. The comments left here were not very nice to read at all. Are there any bi men who have any empathy for the level of hurt they cause, as evidenced by the above entries? Where is the entry from any bi males who feel bad about the emotional damage they have caused their partner? Is there any hope for the many women who are hoping for a simple monogamous, heterosexual relationship? Too many are writing to this blog looking for hope and reassurance that a good outcome in their relationship is possible. Depressingly I sense that there isn’t hope. Even the bi man who reports that he is happily married then seem to come out and say he is hurting just as much as he has hurt his female partner, because he is now in love with a man too!
I wonder if there is a fatal flaw with bisexual men in that they are unable to feel empathy toward others, or that by the nature of their complex sexuality they are unfortunately highly self-involved. Surely someone has tried to research the matter – if there is no quality research then why is this? Is it because the research available shows poor outcomes, therefore it is not described in a blog like this?
@Disillusioned
Bisexual men are just as capable of feeling empathy as the next man. However as you rightly observe many bi-men are highly self-involved and not all can deny who they are, just to spare the feelings of others.
This is not entirely uncommon as a human trait. In pursuit of happiness people of all persuasions will make a go of a relationship and see if it works. Many relationships don’t work for a number of reasons and people get hurt.
Bi-men are not heart-breakers any more than anyone else, its just that women (strangely) tend to be more tolerant of hetrosexual infidelity than homosexual infidelity. Perhaps because they feel they can “compete” with other women but can’t “compete” with other men.
As for research, I don’t think a great amount of research has been done into male bisexuality. If you look into it you will mostly find references to the Kinsey Reports of the 1940s and 1950s. Which I have already given a treatment of on this blog.
I’ll also concede that women tend to want monogamous relationships and men tend to want polyamorous relationships (this applies to all men, straight, bi or gay). As genders we have mutually incompatible desires. The fact that bi-men have desires that lead them towards men and women makes us increasingly incompatible.
There’s no research to show poor outcomes, but logic dictates that if a woman cannot accept a degree of openness in a relationship with a polyamorous bi-man then there will be a poor outcome.
This might sound harsh, but in spite of any hurt or feeling of betrayal you are suffering. The bottom line is, if you are with a bi-man. You accept it or you leave. Trying to change him is futile.
My situation is a little different. My boyfriend told me when we got together that he was in a bisexual relationship with a guy who was also a close friend. It shocked me but i accepted it because i figured that everyone has a bisexual experience at some point in their lives. I respected his honesty and I let him know that it did make me feel uncomfortable. Once we got really serious he told me that he really loved me and i was his soul mate and that he no longer had those feelings and that i was the person he wanted to be with forever.
Now we’ve been together 5 years, we have a 2 year old daughter and our relationship is going down the drain. Since we had our child he and i have gone through a lot and recently he told me that he’s been having bisexual feelings again and he’s never stopped talking to his ex boyfriend and he’s also been reaching out to other bisexual men.
I don’t know how to handle this. Everytime i try to talk to him he gets upset with me because i cry and i feel really insecure. I was always under the impression that i would never have to deal with bisexuality in our relationship. i feel as though he’s not as serious about me and having a family. i dont know what to do. i cant stop crying. I feel like I lost the love of my life and i don’t know how to handle it, especially since we have a daughter together.
Please give me some advice. I need support.
Hi Kitty,
I’m sorry you are going through a rough patch with your boyfriend.
I just ended a year-long relationship myself, so every time I write any advice I feel like a hypocrite.
Is his resurgent bisexuality the root of your problems? Or is a symptom of a wider set of problems? It seems like your boyfriend has been very honest with you in the past. He capable of being just as honest with you now, so I’d keep trying to talk to him.
But try to be stronger and more self composed. Speaking from a personal perspective, if my girlfriend is insecure, it makes me feel like a failure, because I’ve not done enough to make her feel secure. I then avoid revealing any little niggles or complaints I might have or want to talk about because I don’t want to make her feel worse.
So if you break down and cry every time you talk about your relationship, you are not in a good position to have an honest discussion with your partner.
That probably doesn’t help.
Sorry.
Thanks for your advice, I will do anything to get our relationship back. He did tell me that his bisexuality re-emerged because of our lack of intimacy. I just don’t know if I can deal with him continuing to have his ex-boyfriend in his life “as a friend”. He always talks to him in private, he has never introduced me to him and i don’t think i want to. I guess i just can’t deal with him having an aspect of his life that i’m not a part of. He has never cheated on me before, nor will he ever cheat on me. i just feel betrayed and really insecure about his relationship with his ex-boyfriend. Had his ex been a female I would still have the same problem but he says its different.
He is the father of my child but I don’t think that I can continue to deal with bisexuality in my life. I want him to be serious about me and I don’t see how he is serious if he can’t even decide what he wants.
Anymore advice????
The root of your problems is his ex-boyfriend, the root of his problems sounds like something else which I can’t begin to fathom without speaking to him.
Why has your relationship suffered from a lack of intimacy? I know it can be hard with kids around, but you guys need to figure out what’s gone wrong and what’s missing from what you had at the start. Then get it back.
As for his ex-boyfriend, well they were close friends before you met, you don’t believe he’s cheated on you, you might have to get over the fact that they will probably remain friends and be “just friends”. However you can ask that you meet his friends and spend time together with his friends, this will probably help you feel less excluded from their friendship.
Again feeling hypocrital here because I didn’t do the things I’m advising you to do.
Hi bitheway and others,
What do I do if I’m a single male, bi and want a girlfriend, but don’t want to tell a potential girlfriend I’m bi or at least not until I felt comfortable about it after we had known each other a while?
Thanks
This sure helped me a lot. In my case both of us are bisexual the only difference is that i told him at the start of our friendship and he told me like 8-10 months of us being a couple. I was okay with it at first but then I became very insecure when he said he was attracted to men more than women. I was the first one to know about him being bisexual, no one never knew except the guys with whom he had sex with when he was younger. (we are both 21 right now)
The only bad thing is that to me, I think that when you are in a relationship with someone if you have sex with a girl or a guy that’s cheating. I don’t care if he gives me permission, I don’t want it because I only love him and I told him that. But now i get jealous when he talks with his gay friend.
We have talked about all of this and so far I think we are mostly open with each other about how we feel, to me it takes a little more to express myself but I have always been like that. But after all of that, I’m quite happy to say that we are still together and happier than ever. but sometimes I feel like he wants to have sex with guys and I really don’t approve that, call me old fashion but when you truly love someone, you belong to that person only.
So cheers to a relationship of 2 years and 3 months so far, and he asked me to marry him when we finish our studies. =D
Hey Lolita
The secret is to keep talking. Jealously and insecurity wreaks a relationship, so the more open you can both be with your feelings the better.
I think you’ll both do fine.
Why is it okay for bisexuals to not be fully committed to one gender/person? I am the girlfriend of a bisexual and I really dislike it when my boyfriend says he thinks a guy is hot. I get jealous.
Hi Jamie,
“Why is it okay for bisexuals to not be fully committed to one gender/person?”
Whether it is or isn’t OK depends on the opinion of their partner.
Though many bisexual men will argue that sexual monogamy is not required in order to be “fully committed” to a person. Not sure I can support that argument myself, but there you have it.
For what its worth you have every right to feel jealous. But you can always ask him not to do it.
This is an amazing website and very helpful indeed. Very informative. I have just told my pregnant girlfriend of 3 years that I think I may be bisexual. I really didn’t know that I was and only recently discovered this side of me. My girlfriend was very shocked with this news as she didn’t suspect any issues in my sexuality. Perhaps deep down I had my suspicians over my sexuality but I whole heartedly loved her and continue to love her. I think what has triggered all this off in me is the responsibility of having a child and being locked into a commited relationship. I am struggling to come to terms with the whole thing. I was happy and safe in my relationship with my girlfriend and now I am having urges to be with men which is causing mass anxiety and confusion to me. I want to be her partner as I love her and I want to be a father but I am struggling with these urges to experience intimacy with a man as I have never experienced this. I am 32 years of age and surely by now I should know who I am. Is there any research out there to identify and what age people best understand their sexual orientation? Thanks for your help.
Hi Samuel
I’m not aware of any research that places a mean age of people discovering their sexual orientation, however, I do know the age is highly variable.
Some people have a very firm ideal of their sexual orientation in their early teens, other people I’ve known come out as gay in their 40′s after 20 years of marriage.
Generally I think people who take longer to work out their sexuality are the ones who have been more confused by their feelings. Personally, I was 29 before I fully accepted my bisexuality, though I’d been ignoring the clues for years. I was really messed up by these mixed emotions and it took me ages to get things clear in my head.
Anyway, it doesn’t strike me as odd that you only just realised your sexuality at the age of 32. That sounds quite normal to me.
Thanks so much for this insightful article my boyfriend just recently shared this part of his identity with me. At first I was scared and didn’t know what to say but now having read this I can go back and apologize for any misunderstandings brought on by lack of knowledge. Thanks again so much!
I found out that my bf is bi because of an email ad he answered… We’re working on the ‘intent to cheat’ aspect of it and the subsequent trust loss but my question for you is how do I let him know that it’s okay to be bi?
He says never told me because he was ashamed to be bi. During our conversations he wouldn’t even say “guy” he referred to them as “other people”. I asked if he had a boyfriend at any point before and he flinched as if I’d slapped him…that’s how ashamed he is.
I’ve told him that it is okay and that I support him and love him regardless…but is there anything else I should be doing to help? At my suggestion we’ve even incorporated as much of that aspect as I can (us girls sadly just don’t have the right parts for this…), but am I still missing something important that I should be doing?
Hi Jess
Bisexuality is a “dirty secret” for a lot of guys. Especially for those of us who lean towards the straight end of the spectrum.
Many bi-guys (arguably most I’ve spoken to,) don’t have boyfriends in the traditional sense that a gay man or a straight woman might have a boyfriend. Anonymous encounters are the most common, (this is the easiest way to keep it secret) but occasionally friendships spring up and two guys might regularly meet for sex.
Often no emotional attachments beyond a normal male friendship are involved, its just a sexual act. Often limited to mutual masturbation or oral sex, but occasionally encompassing anal sex too.
But all that is just information. The key issue here is trust.
He’s ashamed of his little secret and he didn’t have the confidence to tell you. Perhaps he feared you’d laugh at him, call him a “faggot” or tell his friends. He probably had no good reason for these fears other than his own shame.
However, you need to reassure him that he has your confidence. That you will never “out him”. No matter what.
The other thing you need to do is make him understand he has nothing to be ashamed about, except perhaps not trusting you with his secret.
Emphasis to him the importance of honesty to you and the fact that he will always have your complete confidence and discretion.
A good place to start is to tell him there is nothing he can do to make you angry or upset enough to break his confidence. He needs to know he can trust you with his secret so you can continue to have a normal relationship without you holding it over his head.
Even though you probably would never dream of using this against him. Having been in the situation myself where I’ve not wanted a secret to be disclosed, I felt an enormous power imbalance hanging over the relationship and I no longer felt like an equal partner.
You need to neutralise the power imbalance your have, either by wining his confidence through reassurance or by giving him some power over you in return.
This might not work for everyone and I’m certainly not suggesting its obligatory. But taking some sexy photos for him to keep is a great (and fun) way to demonstrate that you trust his discretion and that he can in turn trust yours.
At first glance this might sound like and odd or vulgar suggestion, but honest relationships are built on equality and trust. You cannot be equal in a relationship when one person holds cards over another and this is a great way to demonstrate trust.
hi,
i was wondering if you could give me some advice about my boyfriend coming out as bi? ours is definitely a case a, he came out to me last year at which time we had been together for a year. however he has only said recently that he has been experiencing strong urges towards men, so we have taken a one month break in which he can experiment with men… i completely trust him when he says this is only for a month and that he will come back to me afterwards. we are about halfway through the break now, and my question is, how do i stop myself worrying about him leaving me or realising hes gay? and do you think that when he has a bi experience, it will change things between us?
thank you so much for any help,
Tina
Hi Tina
To answer your questions…
1) How do i stop myself worrying about him leaving me or realising he’s gay?
Well if he’s Bi he’ll be back. Bisexual does not equal Gay. But its not that easy to stop worrying about it. What can I say, its too more weeks, put it to the back of your mind and deal with it in a fortnight? No much help right? But its all you can do.
2) Do you think that when he has a bi experience, it will change things between us?
Yes, it almost always changes things, but how it changes things tend to depend more on you and what changes you are prepared to accept than any change in your boyfriend’s desires. He has always fancied men, he’s just not able to suppress it any more.
Again this probably isn’t much help. I’ve tried to answer candidly, but I can’t help but think you have asked the wrong questions.
The questions you need to be asking are:
a) Does he love you?
b) Can you love him knowing he might want to have sex with men as well as with you?
If you have 2 yes’es you are fine.
thanks for your advice, it was what i needed to hear.
i know he loves me, and i don’t have a problem with him being bi at all… the thing is, (at the risk of sounding selfish) i wouldnt be able to deal with our relationship being open, i.e. he is allowed to have sex with men. speaking from your own experience, how difficult is it to be committed to one person as a bisexual? and do you feel it is possible to commit to one person after just one bi experience? at the end of the day i do just want him to be happy, and i wouldnt want to “trap” him, but at the same time i think faithfulness within a relationship is important… so confused!
thanks again,
Tina
Hi Tina,
Well in my own experience I’ve never been in a committed relationship with someone who wanted to sleep with both men and women. So I can’t offer you any direct insights.
You’ve made it quite clear that you don’t want to be in an open relationship where your boyfriend goes off and has casual sex with guys. Does he know this? Does he know that the outcome of this month of exploring his sexuality is you or bust?
What I can say is that it ought to be relatively easy to recover your relationship after this month provided of course you both decide that what you really want is each other and no-one else. There has been no deception, no cheating, everything has being done by mutual consent.
The difficulties in trust only arise if he decides he wants you and a few blokes on the side. As you won’t tolerate an open relationship, he’s forced to lie to you (at least about his feelings, if not about his actions) in order to get what he wants.
So my advice to you is this. Let him tell you what he wants before you tell him what you’ll accept. That way you know if the relationship can survive.
But a parting thought for you to consider… Why is monogamy so important?
If he goes out and has sex with a few guys on the side, its only for personal gratification. We take pleasure in lots of things, a fine wine, a good cigar, playing sports, all sorts of crap that we don’t necessarily involve our spouses in. But for some reason society says sex is something we must enjoy exclusively with one person. Why?
Faithfulness is about love, trust and honesty and you can have that in an open relationship (you have to have it). But when you break it down, the only good argument for monogamy is to protect your partner from any feelings of inadequacy because they lack confidence in themselves.
So in other words, if you are demanding monogamy you have to ask yourself why do you feel so insecure?
Hi bitheway,
Well… here I am on what could be considered as the most confusing journey of my life.
I’d just discovered my boyfriend of 2 years… the father of my unborn child gets his kicks out of watching man on man porn and emailing other males with explicit pictures of himself detailing EXACTLY what he would like to do to them./be done to him.
I am hurt, angry, confused, upset and have a million and one questions flying around… and hormones do not help the situation!
I have tried to be understanding and look at it from all angles (so to speak). At first he was defensive but has now admitted to me that it was a ‘fantasy’ and at the time he was ‘sexually stimulated’ by the images and replies he received.
He has expressed that it is me who he loves and want to be with for the rest of his life blah blah blah, and that he now realises that the only thing he needs in his life is to love me and for us to be a family and that it ‘will never happen again’
I do not want to be stupid or naive about the situation but I just need to try and ‘understand’ what has happened…
… before he was ‘caught’ we were in an extremely happy family relationship and I feel this has just ruined everything…. not by his preferences… but simply because he has lied and been deceiptful. I feel like I fell in love with a different person.
Hi Mumtobe,
Its perfectly understandable for you to feel hurt by this, particularly him exchanging pictures and sex fantasies with other men. I mean you’d probably feel equally hurt if he was exchanging sexy pictures with other women, perhaps more so, though logically their ought to be no difference.
In his defence, your boyfriend is bisexual and some bisexuals (not all) will look for sexual gratification from both genders. They at least need their same-sex fantasies as much as a straight single guy needs porn. Now this is not your fault and its not down to any deficiency on your part, so you mustn’t feel inadequate.
However, before you judge him for keeping this a secret, consider how hard it would have been for him to tell you honestly and openly. How would you have responded to him had he told you? Or more specifically how did he think you might react?
He could have been afraid that you would dump him, ridicule him and out him to your friends and family.
Now you have said that this pansexual preferences are not the problem, instead its his deceit. But his deceit is born out of fear, shame and his own insecurities about his sexuality.
That is something to pity rather than condemn.
I know this comes at a bad time, but your boyfriend’s feelings for you have always been the same, you just think they have changed and whilst this time in your life you are probably looking to him for love, security and protection, if you want to save your relationship you are going to have to stand up strong and offer that to him.
He needs your forgiveness, your understanding and your protection (ie: promise not to out him). And if you want to keep him from playing away from home, you might want to let him have his gay-porno and his fantasy, but draw the line at chatting and exchanging nude pictures with “real” people.
Good Luck and stay strong.
[...] of my most popular posts was a piece entitled “How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend” and it attracts a lot of comments from women seeking to deal with their boyfriend’s [...]
Tonight I was going onto my Boyfriends (0f 10 yrs) email to look up a password on another account. In his trash but not perminately deleted mail (where I was looking for the other email) there was a email from someone with the topic “I miss you babe” I open it thinking I was gonna find out My bf was cheating on me or something as I began to read I realized that he was but that it was with a man. I have been staring at this for 3 hours now, to the point my eyes hurt. I don’t know what to say to my Bf. I’m not worried about him being upset that I snooped because I was right where I told him i was going. He just thought he perminately deleted it and didn’t. I am struggling with what to say and what to do. I dont know if I really want to end it b/c we’ve been together since HS and for the most part are happy. The email did say that he infact did have some type of sexual encounter so Im angry about that and feel betrayed, but I think with dialog we could work through it. MY other problem with bringing the subject up besides how is…. I dont think he will admit it and I’m pretty sure will call me a liar or say that the email wasn’t meant for him or something of that nature. WHAT DO I DO!?
Was the email meant for him? Was it addressed to him? Did he reply to it? Do you really have a smoking gun here, or just something that could be a cleverly worded spam message promoting a porn chat site?
Reset your assumptions, banish any preconceived notions you have about this from your mind and simply calmly ask your boyfriend what this email is all about.
You’ll be able to tell a lot more from how he reacts and responds than you will from the email.
The key here is to not be combative when you ask him to explain the email, your demeanour should be gentle and curious, not presumptions and angry.
It was from a “friend” I knew about from college. It was addresed to him and was NOT SPAM. Thank you, I am not angry for anything more then the cheating part the rest sorta feeling like a weight lifted because it explains ALOT or recent behaviors. I just am sure he’s not going to admit it and will be mortified and hurt that I know his truth and so I dont know what to say.. all night last night I didn’t sleep and he kept asking if I was okay so I eventually lied and said I felt sick and went to the couch so he could sleep.. Its on the tip of my tounge but I dont know how to say it without hurting him.. I think this is something her would have died before sharing with anyone. but now that I know I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.. mostly bc it will keep happening and it is CHEATING and secondly because hes not being true to himself if he can’t admit it out loud and that causes stress and may have alot to do with his anger issues and his depression.
I have been with my husband for 5 years and Im only 23. Recently I seen him looking at pic of nude guys on his ipod, so I confronted him about it. At first he was embarrased but then came out and told me that he was bi-sexual. I asked him since he never really had relations with a man if he wanted to seperate for a little bit so he could experience and see what he wants. He declined saying he loved me and wanted to be with me. Yesterday my brother had a lady friend and guy friend come over the house “by the way my brother lives with us” and my husband gets off his game and goes in there and hangs out with them for a few hours. Now mind you my husband is a shy person and doesnt like interacting with people he dont know. I got upset we argued I went to bed and the next morning I wake up and my husband has found him on facebook, added him as a friend, and commented on his post. Now I know this because both of them are my friends and it shows me all their updates. I told him he was like ugh ok I will erase it, but still hasnt. He never wants to spend alone time with me anymore and has recently told me that if I refuse to lose weight he wont be with me. And the part of my body he doesnt like the most is my face. So Im already insecure because he told me these things and I find out hes bi. Should I let him go or stay with him? I need some advice because Im at a crossroad and trying to way out my pros and cons. Right now Cons is winning, but Im wondering if Im being selfish of his sexual needs or if I have a legitimate concern.
The guy that came over was gay by the way.
CrossRoad
Put aside your boyfriends sexual needs for a second, because there is something else that’s more pressing. You’re self-esteem.
If your boyfriend is crushing your self-confidence by telling you he thinks you are fat and ugly then you are with the wrong man. Straight, bisexual, gay is irrelevant.
Your concern should be wholly and solely based on this, not his sexuality. His sexuality is not caused and cannot be altered or influenced by you, so don’t try an take responsibility for it.
(NB: Its worth pointing out that not all bisexual men want to have sex with guys whilst in a relationship with a woman. Bisexuals are just as capable of being monogamous as straight guys.)
You’ve focussed on this interaction with a gay friend of a friend. Try rewriting your post but substitute your gay friend for an attractive girl. You’d probably still feel the same.
Its not about sexuality. That’s not the real issue. The real issue is how you’re boyfriend has been treating you and damaging your self esteem.
Had he been telling you how sexy and beautiful he thought you looked your self-confidence would be high. And you probably wouldn’t feel so threatened by him spending a couple of hours chatting with a gay guy, who was a guest in your home.
So take this back to the root cause, this is about your self-esteem, not his sexuality. We all need to feel attractive and if your boyfriend doesn’t make you feel attractive and is intent on damaging your self-esteem, you need to address this.
One final comment, most people who bully their partners in this way, do it because they feel inadequate themselves. They do it because they think you are too good for them, that you are going to leave them just as soon as someone better comes along. So they attack your self-esteem to bring you down to their level, to make you feel as unworthy of them as they feel of you.
Once you understand this you can address it.
Thanks for the thoughtful blog. I am a straight woman in a monogamous relationship with a wonderful bisexual man. We have a great partnership and love each other very much. My problem, however, is that he has a really difficult time having an orgasm with me. While I know that sex can be lovely even without an orgasm, and that coming does not always have to be the focus of sex, it has contributed to a couple of issues that I’m having.
First of all, since he hardly ever comes, he’s always horny. It gets physically uncomfortable for me trying to keep up with his sex drive, but I try very hard to keep up because I want to satisfy him. We have been together a year, and I thought that as he got more comfortable in the relationship he would start coming. I have told him that I love having sex with him, and that sex can be fun even if it doesn’t end in an orgasm all the time, that he shouldn’t feel pressured, but that I’m willing to try different things if it will help him come. He says he’s still nervous having sex with me, and as soon as he’s conscious that he’s about to come he thinks “this is it! don’t blow it!” and he loses it. I’m worried that he may only able to relax and to come with people he’s strictly physical with. His first sexual experience was at age 8 with an adult man, and he’s had numerous and varied experiences ever since. Some of his experiences (including his fist experience) seem like abuse to me, but he does not classify them that way because he ended up enjoying them. He was also raised in a severely dysfunctional family with hard core pornography, and I know that he both enjoys and resents porn. He loves having sex with men he finds intimidating, and he talks to me about his past sexual experiences a lot.
This leads to my second issue, which is that I get insecure. He says that he loves having sex with me even though he’s not coming (he comes by himself, so he does have some relief), and I know he loves me and wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. I’m nervous that he’ll want to be physically satisfied with another person though, and will end up cheating on me. I have been cheated on a couple of times in the past with men I trusted, and while I really feel like my current boyfriend is different, I don’t want to be naive. I know that a lot of otherwise wonderful people justify cheating for all kinds of reasons. The idea of being cheated on worries me both for emotional and for safety reasons.
My boyfriend is a very considerate lover, my best friend, and like no other guy I’ve met in my life, but I am still nervous about talking to him because of my own issues about speaking up, and because I don’t want to make him more nervous about sex or nervous about talking openly to me about his sexuality. He is not “out,” so I’m the only one he talks to about being bisexual and the experiences he’s had. Do you have any recommendations? Should I/how should I talk to him about my concerns? Thanks for any advice. I’ve appreciated reading your thoughtful responses to past questions/comments.
Hi Susan
With due respect you are guilty of solipsism here. You are projecting your thoughts and fears into your boyfriend’s mind and assuming he’s going to share them.
He’s telling you he loves having sex with you. Yet you are choosing to ignore this or treat it with disbelief. And instead preferring to believe you are not satisfying him and that consequently he will inevitably cheat on you.
This is not a good way to approach things, its only going to make your relationship suffer. If you honestly believe that your boyfriend is your best friend and if you trust him, then you have to do him the courtesy of believing him when he tells you he “loves having sex with you”.
As for your boyfriend, well if you’d like him to reach orgasm more often, then the last thing you need to do is put more pressure on him to cum because you are feeling insecure.
From what you’ve written, it sounds boyfriend’s bisexual experiences have involved some level of power-exchange and predominantly placed him in a “bottom” (or submissive) role. In these encounters the “top” (or dominant partner) ultimately assumes responsibility for how the sex session pans out.
Now when a guy has sex with a girl, the girl is typically the bottom and the guy is typically the top. (This isn’t always the case but its the norm.) So if you’re boyfriend finds himself in the dominant role, he’s switching and assuming responsibility for the overall enjoyment of your sex life.
All of a sudden he feels has to worry about pleasing you, whereas when he was the bottom in a sex-session, he could just let his partner please himself.
The irony here is, you are worried you are not satisfying him, but the reality is probably that he’s trying too hard and putting too much pressure on himself to satisfy you.
So you both need to stop upping the stakes and worrying about sex and given your boyfriend’s history its easier for you to take the lead in this than him.
Work at making sex a no pressure encounter, no pressure to cum or to bring the other partner to orgasm. Treat everything from the odd quickie to the steamiest all night romp as perfect. Make it an exercise in intimacy rather than sexual performance.
Try to get the point where you can just cuddle up together, with or without penetration and just fall asleep in each other arms, and that be OK with no-one feeling they should have done more.
If you are having trouble working out how to do this, well simply suggest it. Tell him that you love him and that you love having sex with him but that tonight you just want to fall asleep in his arms, nothing more nothing less. And when you are cuddled up together, remember to tell him how happy you are. The purpose of this is to help him realise he can satisfy you without having to expand any great effort or put pressure on himself.
Do this often and slowly but surely you’ll both learn to relax. He’ll become less nervous about sex with you and he’ll climax more freely and you’ll wonder why you were ever worried that you weren’t satisfying him.
I think you’re pretty close in terms of the bedroom dynamics. He gets off by pleasing his partner, and is most turned on when his partner is demanding. As a submissive myself it’s hard for me to let someone focus attention on my pleasure, let alone be demanding. I’ll work at finding ways to assume more control though so that he’s not under constant pressure.
I also really appreciate your advice about my fears of being cheated on and will take it to heart.
Thanks again for the thoughtful content of your blog, and for taking the time to help me and my boyfriend. It doesn’t go unappreciated that even though you should not have to be responsible for representing bi guys to their lovers, you do it anyway, with tact and compassion.
Hello,
My long distance boyfriend of 7 months just told me that several years ago he had a lot of questions about his sexuality. He had had girlfriends, but was still curious about and attracted to other men. He had two same sex relationships that he says were “as full blown as they could be” but they were never fulfilling to him. He said that although the attraction will always remain, it is something he will never go back to, and he considers himself lucky to be attracted to females as well. He assures me that he is supremely confident that he wants to live a straight lifestyle because he knows that a relationship with a man is not what he wants. Not to mention, we are both Christians and he had a sense of guilt as well. His last same sex relationship ended over 4 years ago.
Additionally, we have not had sex yet. He was unable to “keep it up” but it was also before he told me. Due to the distance, our chances for being intimate are few and far between. He is hoping that the reason he was unable to perform is because he knew he had such a big secret he was keeping from me, and didn’t quite have the comfort level with me that he wanted in order to be intimate.
He assures me he would never cheat on me and explained it as no different than any other relationship where you might find someone attractive but choose not to act on it.
I don’t really know what my question is. I’m having a hard time accepting that he had two actual relationships with guys. For some reason I’d feel more secure if it had been just a curiosity that fizzled out. Any advice or comments or insight into understanding him and his decision to live a straight lifestyle despite his ongoing attraction to men would be appreciated. Do I have anything to be worried about? Is this a red flag that could come back to haunt me?
Thanks a million.
Personally the only red flag I see here is misplaced Christian guilt.
Why would an all powerful, all knowing god care where we stick our penises? Its like asking Steven Hawkins to give a lecture on how to tie your shoelaces. Not a good use of his time and somewhat insignificant when you consider the scale of the universe.
To be honest I don’t think god cares (if he even exists at all). In contrast its religion that has the objection, because the more sins they have to beat us over the head with the more tools they have to make us feel worthless. The more worthless we feel the more we feel like we need religion.
But to get to the point. If your boyfriend is repressing his same-sex attraction because of an unhealthy dose of Christian guilt. Then the evidence suggests he is going to relapse. Christianity has proved to be a poor cure for homosexuality and same-sex attraction in spite of the claims of groups like Exodus International (two of their founding members when on to have what amounted to a gay-wedding ffs).
However, if he has generally has decided he prefers women and that’s where he wants lay his bed, provided this isn’t done out of sense of Christian guilt, then you’ve nothing to worry about.
I’ve been in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend for three years now. A few days ago he decided to tell me he was bisexual, and has known for longer than he has been with me. We’re both going to college in less than a month; he’ll be in New York and I’m going to Georgia. We’ve decided that we’re going to keep an open relationship and see other people in college, but still try and keep a semi-relationship going, as long as we’re both comfortable with that.
I guess I took it pretty well. I didn’t get upset or yell at him, I just told him that this didn’t change my feelings towards him and that I would always accept him for who he was. I was a little stung that he neglected to tell me for so long, because I’ve been quite open and honest with him about pretty much every aspect of my life, including the not-so pretty ones. After he came out to me he confessed that he hoped he wouldn’t have to tell me about his orientation, and then that he probably shouldn’t have told me.
He’s always been a little worried that I’ll leave him for someone “better” (His self esteem is a little low, he’s one of those quiet techies). Now I’m afraid that because of telling me he’ll be worried that I’ll judge him for it and become even more withdrawn. So my question is; Is there any way I can make him more comfortable with telling me these kinds of things? I’ve already proclaimed my love for him and promised that I’ll always accept his orientation.
My only request for him was that if he’s going to remain with me after college that he keep it monogamous (my definition: don’t bring anyone else to live with us). I’m just not into three person relationships.
Hello,
I want to say thank you for this site, it’s really refreshing to see an honest and open blog about such an extremely sensitive subject.
I don’t really have a question, just concern. My concern is really about my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and before that we dated in high school. In college he explored his sexuality, and has always been honest about them with me (at first I was confused, scared, etc., but I came to a realization that he loved me enough to tell me about the experiences). Since then I’ve done my best to be open and a little more adventurous in the bedroom (nothing to far from my comfort zone and he never put pressure on me, I would say that since he came out our sex life has only gotten better).
I worry though because I stumbled across some questionable emails. I brought them up, and he swears that nothing physical ever happened, he just really enjoyed being complimented and liked to fantasize. I believe him, but the way he explained it made it sound like he was ashamed of himself. I just hate to think that not only is he confused about himself, but also ashamed, and I want to help him feel better about himself. I just don’t know if me being with him, is helping him repress his true self. He’s only ever talked about his bisexuality with me, and I really think at the least he needs to have another person to talk to (one he’s not in a relationship with and afraid to offend).
I love him an amazing amount, and I know he loves me. I just want whats best for him and would appreciate any advice you can give.
I’ve published photos of myself on different web-boards and social networking sites, these have, on occasion, attracted fan-mail, mostly from people who are totally unsuitable for me and/or I would have no sexual interest in. But still its nice to be complemented. Sometimes when I was feeling needy, I’d flirt back with these people, even though I knew it was never going to go anywhere, I just enjoyed the attention.
Its impossible to tell without asking him whether he engaged in this correspondence simply because he enjoyed the attention or because he has some unfulfilled sexual need that cannot be satisfied by a heterosexual relationship. However, not every bisexual requires heterosexual and homosexual encounters to feel fulfilled. That may sound like an oxymoron, but bisexual doesn’t just mean someone is attracted to both genders, it can also mean they are attracted to either gender.
Frankly I think if you love him and he loves you then you have nothing to worry about.
Hi Whatnow,
Well, what now indeed? You are about to go away to college and separate from each other and you’ve decided to allow one another to see other people whilst you are away. You must both realise that if you go down this path, there’s a good chance that you will both meet someone else whom you like just as much or more and that your relationship could come to a natural end. Straight, gay or bisexual, the physical distance between you and dating other people by mutual consent whilst you are away is in fact a bigger threat to your relationship than your boyfriend’s sexual orientation.
If your boyfriend is smart and if he also has self-esteem issues and believes that you are too good for him. Then I’m willing to bet he’s worried about the prospect of you meeting someone else whilst you are away at college and you dumping him for someone “better”. If he becomes withdrawn 10-1 its because of this.
Finally, lots of guys have trouble expressing their feelings, and bi-guys in particular have a lot of trouble acknowledging their bisexuality. So if I were you I wouldn’t feel upset or surprised or blame yourself in any way for him taking 3+ years to tell you. He’s probably spent most of this time hoping these feelings would go-away so he wouldn’t have to tell you. If he’s the quiet type anyway, then the only thing you can do to make him open up more is boost his self-confidence in general. But frankly you are going to have preciously little opportunity to do this after the next month, especially if you are dating freshmen in Georgia, whilst he sits alone on his computer browsing tech forums in New York.
I think you missed my point. I did discuss it with him and believe him that it was just attention, I also enjoy attention so it’s not that difficult of a concept to get.
But the descriptions he used of how he felt were ashamed/disgusted with himself/felt gross/etc…. not just I was turned on and that is that. And I really am worried that he has these kinds of feelings about himself more then anything. I know from reading other posts on this website that you think this goes back to an abandonment issue that I have, but honestly I really don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to feel disgusted in their behavior…. is there nothing I can do to help him from feeling like that.
Hi Just worried.
I actually don’t think him feeling disgusted or ashamed of himself has anything to do with any abandonment issues you may or may not have. The two are no way linked. One has to do with how he perceives his sexuality and the other has to do with into who’s arms you fear it might lead him.
What I’m slightly unclear about is whether he is ashamed of himself because he thinks he’s betrayed your confidence by replying to these emails or if he’s ashamed because he has some residual shame about his bisexual urges.
If its the later, then the only thing you can do to help is to reflect on his same-sex feelings in a positive way. This applies both inside and outside the bedroom.
Not sure if that helps.
Thanks for your advice, bitheway. It was quite helpful. It’s not that he lacks confidence though; it’s just that though he is quite social and very intelligent, he doesn’t share much of his personal life with very many people.
The going away to college thing works both ways as well. He stands a chance to meet someone else just as much as I do. Although I hope we don’t; I know that presently I love him more than I’ve ever loved any person
I can see clearly now ! WOW !
Took me a couple years but ya never know anything for sure unless you sample, if you like stay if you don’t like get the heehaw outta there !
I’ve just come out of a 10 year man on man gay relationship. I’ve dated a few guy’s but guys just seem to not do it for me anymore plus being an older guy 32 years of age sex does not seem to be the be and all in a relationship. There been a few flirtation in the past with females but it was all tong in check stuff.
So 14 years and made the big coming out to my family that I’m gay and believe me that wasn’t not the happiest of times and now thinking of dating women.
I want things that I just don’t think a guy can provide so what do I do. And what would I say to a women and when should I tell her. On a first date sounds like a bit of a turn of to the whole affair before it lifts off.
I’m completely lost.
Hi Matt
Well generally its bad form to bring up your past sex-life on a first date. Straight, gay or bisexual, the way to woo your partner is to be approachable, relaxed, funny and interested in what they have to say. Once you’ve established that connection and you’ve both decided you like each other, then a few dates down the line, when you start to share more of yourselves with each other, then is the time to bring up your sexuality.
I’m an alternating bisexual, which basically means I can find myself attracted to men or women, as opposed to men and women, so as far my partner is concerned my sexuality is really an irrelevance to them. Still I tend to tell them about it fairly early on, but I generally wait until the 4th date. By which time I’ve established enough of a relationship with them to realise they can’t define me by my sexuality.
So just on that second note. How would you deal coming out to the family after 14 year of them dealing with you being gay then deciding that you like women. – Should I just leave it until things progress to that point that you might be having a serious relationship with a women.
Hi Matt
Well generally speaking I think if your family has accepted you as Gay, they will be generally fairly accepting of you coming out as straight or bisexual.
Frankly I don’t think it matters if you tell them now or tell them when you have met that special girl. The downside to waiting is that they might assume that you “met a girl that turned you straight.” That it was all down to her rather than your own choices. Whereas if you tell them before you meet someone then they might start inferring and try to fit you up with someone. (Which may or may not be a bad thing.)
It really depends on what your family are like, you’re the best judge of how they are likely to react. But if they accepted you as Gay, then I can’t see how they would react negatively to you deciding you want to be with a woman.
Hi,
I found this website because I’ve been trying to search for some advice. I can’t really confide to anyone and now I am confused and sad.
I accidentally found these emails from my bf’s phone. He’s been receiving emails from a group he signed up. Emails contain links and pictures of naked men. The day I found those emails I was shocked, hurt, cheated and deceived. Everyday, I think about it but I act normal when I’m with him.
One day, he left his computer on. I looked at his history and favorites, they were mostly gay porn sites. I also found some pics he saved of muscled men wearing thong. He also has lots of hardcore gay sex videos and a few straight videos.
He doesn’t know I know. So one day I emailed him. I told him after all these years we’ve been together, you never even showed signs that you’re sexually attracted to me. And I also mentioned that our friends make fun of him for being vain. He replied and said he respects me and didn’t want to take advantage every time we were together. He said he’s not bothered by what other people think of him. Then, at the end he said, that he’s a lucky guy for having me in his life because whatever other people say, I told him I love him for who he is.
He acts manly and never would have suspected because he doesn’t check out other guys. He’s not the guy who’s likely to cheat either because he’s shy. He’s a good man with a good heart. Loving son and brother and cousin. He’s been nice to me. I love him dearly but every time I think about what I know and saw, it makes me sad and nervous…endless questions but no answer. Do I stay in this relationship? He always tell me that he’s in for the long run. I am so confused and don’t have anybody to tell. Sometimes I think of ways on how to get back to him for lying to me, but I can’t bring myself into. I am also guilty of invading his privacy, but after I saw those emails from his phone, I couldn’t help but investigate further.
Do I walk away from my dream guy gone gay? Actually, I don’t even know if he’s gay or bi.
Hi, My story is very much like sads. I found that my bf is trying to start a friend with benifits relationship with a man. He doesn’t know that I know. He told this guy that he has tried oral twice before I’m not sure if it was with the same man or not, or how long ago. They found each other on craiglist, and turns out they work for the same company but different shifts. The other man is married, I don’t know if his wife knows or not. I don’t know if I want to stay in the relationship or not.
I also discovered he looks at porn pictures of women only. He seems attracted to me at times but I am the one who initates sex and he loves oral but doesn’t touch me or do the same for me.
He told the guy he only wants to do oral cause he is with me.
Why all the porn of women and yet he won’t give me oral?
Why doesn’t he look at porn pictures of men if that is what he is wanting to try again?
Hi Jen
Only you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship. Though consider the reasons why your boyfriend hasn’t told you about his ‘friend with benefits’ before you come to any conclusions. Often the reasons are more to do with shame and rejection than deception.
As to his preferences about sex. Lots of guys have difference tastes. I don’t really enjoy giving oral to women either. However, I do like receiving a blow job and I’ll happily return the favour on a guy. They are all very different sensations, its not necessarily about gender. Cock tastes different to pussy. Just as apple pie tastes different to spotted dick. Some people like one dessert more than the other.
Thank you for your response. I know it is shame and rejection he is fearing from me and everyone else he knows.
As I said he doesn’t know that I know about all this, I want to discuss it with him. Any helpful hints on how to bring it up and discuss it with him without hurting him more?
I do love him and I hope to stay with him. I don’t think I can share him in that way. He told me when we were first dating he doesn’t “share well.” Meaning he wanted to be sure I was only dating him. I think if he feels that way about me then he should also live that way.
Hello,
I just found out my boyfriend is Bi sexual and he has been this way for a very long time. He wants to stay together and says he loves me very much but right now I am having trust issues. He says to me that this is not cheating on me because he will never have a relaitonship with a man and just wants to have oral with a man every once in awhile.I hate this and I know I didn’t do this and it has nothing to do with me but our sex life is awesome on both ends so why now. We are moving in together and we wanted to tell me before I moved in but now I am really confused
Hi Jen
First you need to ascertain why you want to discuss it with him. Is it because (A) you have caught him willing to cheat on you and want to challenge his behaviour or (B) you want to help him become a whole person by being supportive and allowing him to acknowledge his bisexuality?
They are two very different reasons, one centres around your needs and the other around his. In a sense these can often inform your previous question about whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. My experience is you can’t change your sexuality. I’ve never been in a hetero-relationship and found myself devoid of gay fantasies and I’ve never been in a gay relationship where I didn’t think about women. (Even though I have always been faithful to my current partner.)
So whilst I said in my previous reply that only you can decide whether or not to stay in the relationship. I would suggest to you that if you hope to change our boyfriend by confronting him, then you shouldn’t bother and you should just quit the relationship. But if you want to be supportive and help him come to terms with his sexuality then you need to be completely over any betrayal you feel and approach the subject with love and understanding.
Rock? Hard place? Yep – that’s the nature of dating a bisexual.
Hi Cindy
I think my replies to Jen (see posts above) probably applies equally to you.
Lots of bisexual guys have no interest in forming a lasting relationship with a guy. Its just sex (often only oral) . Having a male “fuck buddy” is what allows us to lead and maintain otherwise healthy heterosexual relationships and normal lives. Its difficult to express in words anything that will reassure a female partner who is having “trust issues”, but remember that we men are generally uncomplicated creatures. We tend to say what we mean except when we are under duress.
Your boyfriend has volunteered this information about his sexuality so he is not under duress. So you can probably trust him to be telling you the truth. He won’t leave you for another guy, he will be 100% emotionally committed to you, he’ll just suck cock every once in a while. The question here isn’t whether or not you can trust your boyfriend, its whether or not you can handle having a bisexual boyfriend.
And that Cindy, is ultimately up to you.
Ok…so I have this interesting dilemma where me and my boyfriend were together a year and a half…then he broke up with me out of no where. We were really close and crazy about eachother so I was devastated and confused because he didn’t give me a reason. On the other hand, I could tell for months there was something he was hiding but every time I confronted him he denied everything and got mad at me.
Then, two months after he broke up with me we decided to hang out as friends…and he told me that he had broken up with me because he thought he was gay. But over the course of those two months he had been with a guy and a girl and had decided he was bisexual. He said that he loved me so much and wanted to be with me and thats why he was telling me.
We got back together and i really love him, but him deciding in the middle of our relationship that he wasn’t straight has really messed with me.
I don’t entirely know how to deal with it and it’s so hard. I want to be with him…but i’m scared he’s going to be with me a while and then decide he wants to be with a guy instead. It freaks me out. I feel like I’m going crazy ):
Hi Going Crazy,
I guess this comes down to trust. Do you trust him when he says he’s bisexual or do you doubt him and think he will turn out gay in the end? He’s told you what he feels, he’s told you he thinks he’s bisexual. Do you believe this or not? If not, what reasons do you have to doubt him? Has he ever lied to you before?
Often in these situations trust gets messed up by fear. Don’t let your fears influence your levels of trust, because unless you have ever been given a reason to mistrust someone, your fears should have no bearing on how much you should trust someone.
I believe that he wouldnt lie to me, I just don’t know if he is going to change his mind.
Anyone can change their mind hon, but they can change their mind about anything.
Most couples are madly in love when they get married, but 40%-50% of marriages end in divorce, so by that time they have changed their minds.
Think about it, couples get married all the time, the odds are roughly even that at some point in the future they will change their minds and decide they no longer want to be together. Do those odds stop people from taking a chance? NO!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year(I’m female). I very recently found conversations between him and man he met online, they were planning to meet for ‘some fun’ and i read through the history and it made up of sexual comments. I confronted him about it and he explained that he had been bicurious for a while and was planning on meeting this stranger to discus how to tell me best. After talking to him it turns out he had been on webcam with various other men and asking to arrange meetings with them much of the time we have been together. As far as I know he has never actually met any of these during the time we have been together but had had an experience with a man before we had met, which he says he did not enjoy. He says he was only curious embaressed and was scared of hurting me, he’s never had any bi or gay friends and claims he is slightly homophobic; cutting that part of himself away from the reality of being with me and general life.
He said since I found out his whole view of the relationship has changed and he’s sure he only wants me, and he is no longer curious. I’m perfectly fine with him being bisexual but not with him having sex with other people when he is in a relationship with me. I’m not sure whether I should stay with him, or split up for a bit so he can go and explore that part of his sexuality, I can’t be lied to again. As a boyfriend he has always been perfect had a very active and enjoyable sex life, and never any arguments, and get on with each others family/ friends.
Any advice would be very much appreciated.
x
I’m not going to try and judge your boyfriend’s mind. I dunno if he genuinely only has eyes for you now that you’ve confronted him, or whether he is just trying to tell you what you want to hear.
However, I will tell you this: Don’t leave him so he can “explore that part of his sexuality”, that is dressing cruelty up as kindness. Stay with him because you love and trust him, or leave him because you don’t love/don’t trust him. Don’t base your decisions on what you think he wants, base your decisions on what you feel.
Hello all,
I am a bisexual male, I have not come out to the public and really don’t want to, the stigma attached is still to great. Bi in too many peoples minds is still considered gay.
How can i best describe myself, well…I adore women, I think they are beautiful. I am attracted to women.
I only date women, I have no desire to date a guy, in fact when I am out I have no desire nor do I ever fancy a guy.
However, sexually i find sex with men extremely attractive, I personally prefer to receive as a male (Submissive/Bottom) This also worked well with my last girlfriend who I did come out too. She bought a Strap on and she very much enjoyed that element.
However, she knew I didn’t fancy guys in general, but for sex and sex only yes I loved it and wanted to dabble. But not in a relationship.
We broke up but it had nothing to do with me being bi and it was 4 years after coming out.
There are bi guys that also just like a bit of (rear) play, this can be overcome (strap on) for some. It worked for me and we did role play. I never had sex with a guy while i was with her, the roleplay was good and fun and it was an acceptance that I liked to receive from guys.
Lastly, Bi is NOT gay. if after several years of knowing him as bi, and he hasnt gone off into a gay relationship then he is bi. But if a bi guy loves you he does love you and it doesnt mean he wants sex with other guys, he just sometimes wants you to know him completely, to be himself.
regards
Jay
I appologize in advance that this may be a long story but I’ve read this entire site and I feel you have been very helpful.
I met my bf when I was 12 and immediately fell in love with him but life seperated us and I found him again in april of this year. We immediately clicked again and I’ve fell head over heels for him all over again. He’s the best thing that has happened to me and I don’t want to let him go, but now I’m scared of being hurt.
It all started when I found a picture of himself naked on his computer (which is not like him, or so I thought) so I thought he was sending them to another woman. I checked his email and found he was instead sending them to another male.
I have many bi, gay and lesbian friends so I’m very open minded and support that love is blind. I was mad and hurt that it was going on behind my back. I eventually confronted him about it and he told me he was bisexual and had been with one guy. I was accepting to this and told him I loved him for him and that ment all of him.
Everything has been fine between us until last night. I was sending an email from his account, with his consent, and found more emails. They were from like 2 weeks ago and he was “planning” to meet while I was at work. I was furrious! He swore nothing happened and he wasn’t going to follow through with it, he just gets these urges for the attention of the male gender. He swears its purely physical, that he loves me and wants to be with me and he’d never cheat on me.
I don’t know what to do. I’m hurt and I feel like I’ve been lied to but I love him with all my heart and I don’t want to be the selfish one to make him deny a part of who he is. Please email me at littleirishlove@yahoo.com.
Great posts everyone.
I just had my dearest one come out to me after I’ve loved him 34 years. We’ve been apart, had our own lives, but always had a special love for each other.
I was surprised but not angry, not hurt-just accepting.
I won’t try to change him, and if he wants away from the intolerant, paranoid female he’s been with until now (they have 2 kids) I’ve made it clear he can come to me. Because he doesn’t like living a lie, but loves his kids, and soesn’t want her to find out he’s bi because they have a 14 yr old son.
I also feel satisfied that he is telling me the truth and I feel great satisfaction over the fact I’ve aged better than HER-
and I think I’m a lot wiser and more tolerant than SHE will ever be.
Lois
so im only 19 and i have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years and some.
while we have sex he is into some odd things that i feel most of my friends dont experience. i have confronted him about those things and how to me they are “gay/bisexual”.
he says he likes to only do those things w. me but wen i ask him about things that turn him on of course women but he also says men on men action.
im so confused and i have been dealing with this our whole 3 years. I am bisexual but am only looking for a straight man. i dont want to leave him but it seems to me like he is gay or bisexual and will not admit it.
how do you do those things and not consider is gay? or get turned on by males in porn but arent gay??
makes no sense to me and i am pretty open but not to this i have no idea wat to think feel or believe.
he claims he is not gay or bisexual but told me tonight that maybe he needs to experiment to find out!!.
if your not gay or bisexual why experiment? no straight male would want to experiment EVER!
To many people “gay” and “bisexual” are labels people don’t want to adopt, essentially because they corner you. Its difficult to shake them off once you take them on. Still I have to challenge your assertion that “no straight male would want to experiment EVER!” A certain amount of confusion around your sexuality is pretty normal during your teenage years and if you’re confused then the only way to find out whether you really are bisexual is to try it.
If you do experiment and find it unsatisfying then you might conclude you are straight, if you enjoy it you might conclude you are bisexual.
But its important to realise that sexuality is a continuum, on one side of the spectrum you have 100% straight on the other 100% gay, everywhere in between is bisexual. Yes the bulk of the population is concentrated on the straight end of the spectrum. Being 99% straight still makes you bisexual, even though you re probably straight enough to avoid ever having a romantic entanglement with the opposite sex.
I am appalled by the assumption that someone who is bisexual needs to have a relationship with both men and women at the same time!
I refuse to put labels on sexuality, but have been attracted and had relationships with both men and women. It has never been an issue for me and it is just who i am.
I have been with my husband for over 10 years, a completely monogamous relationship. I am still attracted to both men and women, but would never cheat on my husband. Or suggest a threesome. Why would I? I love my husband and i only want to be with him, regardless of my sexuality.
All of you have a right to a stable and monogamous relationship, your partners sexuality is completely irrelevant. They do not *need* to be having sex with a man because they are in a relationship with a woman.
Please put your homophobic viewpoints away and realise that sexuality should not be an issue for any one.
“L” If you are addressing your comment to the author of the original post. I’d draw your attention to the fact he’s the same guy who wrote this:
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2008/06/27/the-alternating-bisexual/
I just discovered that my boyfriend is a bisexual and I just cant accept it! What should I do?? Please help:((
Accept it or dump him. Its that simple.
No seriously, it REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE!
But I really love him so much..I love him but I just can’t really accept it:(
Sorry to be unsympathetic, but if you love someone then you accept them for who they are whatever they are. If you can’t accept that your boyfriend is bisexual, then you don’t really love him, you just loved what you thought he was.
So you either love him in spite of his bisexuality or you don’t love him.
Try thinking of it like this, imagine something your boyfriend does that you dislike. For example: “I don’t like it when my boyfriend leaves his dirty socks on the bathroom floor, but I still love him and would never leave him because of it.”
Now ask yourself, can you change this sentence to read: “I don’t like it when my boyfriend is attracted to other men, but I still love and would never leave him because of it.” Or (depending on what your boyfriend actually does or wants to do with his bisexuality) “I don’t like it when my boyfriend meets other men for casual sex, but I still love and would never leave him because of it.”
If you can’t then your relationship is finished.
My case will be more like ‘B” found my bf of 7 years chatting with gay men and exchanging e mails, pics and videos. I wish i could handle the situation better but I couldnt. I comfronted him, mad and he felt “really bad” he swore he was sorry but is not what he wants, he confessed he was abused when little, he also said he loved me so much and can’t live without me. the thing is that i loved him all this years unconditionally, gave everything for him, thought i had the perfect boyfriend and we were happy. Now he begs me to love him and never be away from him, I try but everytime im with him, I have flashbacks of what i saw and read and can’t help but feeling disgusted and feel like i failed as a woman. I don’t want him to be with me because he feels sorry for what he did. I told him that and he says he truly loves me and he won’t do that again. I dont want him neither to be with me just so he can try to be heterosexual and at the end he finds out he is not..I really dont know what to do and whats going on his mind or what was going on, on his when he did that. I wish he can be more open and speak to me straight, will be better than being with him and having doubts for the rest of my life.
My boyfriend (23) split up with me (19) after 4 years together 3 weeks ago but couldnt tell me why. After i told him his excuses wern’t good enough he began to explain. this made a little more sense but he couldn’t tell me anymore because he wasn’t sure about it all. After about a week of talking as friends about daily things, he began to tell me that he was bi, although he never outright said it, i could tell thats what he was going to say. Although he didnt want to tell me over the phone it ended up that way and because i had suspected it, it didnt come as much of a shock to me. i was still really hurt that we had split up because a week prior he asked me to move in with him, but forgetting all that i had to put all that behind me. this person has been my rock through alot of hurtful things that have happened to me in my life and I have to be there for him when he needs someone as he hasnt told anyone else. but i’m struggling to get my head around it all.
we are over, i have accepted that, but we are still friends (i guess we always were friends first and foremost that we just slipped back into that)
how do i be the support he needs when i dont no how to support myself through it?
I don’t mean to be condescending when I say this, but that’s a very mature question from someone so young. Truth is there’s no easy answer.
In a ideal world these things won’t come as a shock, we wouldn’t be conditioned to automatically assume someone was straight or gay. We wouldn’t be socially conditioned to expect ourselves to be straight then have to deal with discovering we are not.
Yours sounds like a relationship that really didn’t need to end. I hope you can find time to sit down and properly talk and see the things in each other that made you fall in love in the first place all over again.
Ok so I’m COMPLETELY new at this. I just found out that my boyfriend of almost 2 years is bi. I saw a message on his phone and it peaked my curiousity so I created an account on a gay/bi hookup site and low and behold he had an account as well.
I sat down and talked to him and assured him that I didn’t want anything to change between us, that I loved him, wanted to be with him, wouldn’t say anything to any of our friends (NO ONE knows), but that I needed to understand.
After much talking, I am 99% sure that I trust what he says, because he was quite honest and didn’t have to be. I just don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here. He has assured me that he loves me, wants to be with me, and he only acts on this bi thing about 3 times a year.
I want him to be happy and I want to be happy with him. I just don’t know if I can handle him being with other people. Is this even the right way to consider this situation? From what I’m trying to see it, this is a need that he has that he must fulfill that I can’t offer him. He says there is no emotion and that everything is purely sex and fulfilling a need when this happens.
As of now, I have asked him that it not happen in our home, that it doesn’t happen more than 3 times per year, and that he is safe. Is this reasonable? I have always been a firm believer in the no cheating policy, but is this the same thing? So confused…
Any advice from either side would be greatly appreciated. I’m trying to be open and understanding but I have honestly never been in this situation before – but I love him and our relationship very, very much.
I’m a bisexual woman who’s dating a man who’s also bisexual and just beginning to explore this side of his personality. He’s not very interested in having a relationship with a man – is mostly interested in sex and would prefer to have three ways, not alone.
I sometimes feel funny about it, fearing he’s actually gay which is awful given I am bisexual also. It makes me realize that despite being very progressive, I still have my own small pockets of homophobia i need to sort out. That said, I love the relationship and loving being a support to him as he explores. Like with any relationship, this one needs a lot of trust. But it’s all very workable and even hot, if you open your mind. It may feel hard a
oops. Hard at first but it gets easier. In time, it probably won’t be much of an issue at all.
My boyfriend and I were not together for very long, simply because we just met (we are both freshman attending the same university this year). However, we had such a strong connection from the beginning of the relationship that I had recently starting thinking I was in love with him. He had some mannerisms that suggested he was bisexual, but he joked about them and told me there was no way he was bi. We went to our respective states for winter break, and the distance and time difference caused by this put a lot of stress on our relationship. We were dealing as best we could, but one morning I woke up to a text from him that said he finally admitted to himself he was bisexual. I called him the following night to talk about it and assure him this did not affect my feelings for him. I was confused, upset, and had a ton of questions for him, but I concentrated on making him feel better about it and I made it clear it didn’t bother me. Then, a little over a week ago, he called me to break off the relationship. He said he needed to work through his sexuality issues and didn’t want to put me through anything. I still have very strong feelings for him, as there wasn’t much closure. We return to school next week, and I’m very apprehensive about seeing him and talking to him about everything. If he’s not interested in trying a relationship, I’m going to need closure so that I can get over him. I don’t know how to approach this in conversation and I don’t know what to say once the topic has been brought up. Does anyone have any advice for me? It would be greatly appreciated
Its not ‘cheating’ if you consent, its only cheating if he does it behind your back, when you explicitly demand monogamy. Some bi-guys are monogamous, but if you are with a guy who “needs” to be with a man then there is no point in demanding he remain monogamous, you’ll just be disappointed. If you love him, best that you adjust to his needs or end the relationship, there is no third way that won’t end in betrayal.
Great post Jordan, thank you.
Confused… I’m sure your boyfriend doesn’t mean to hurt you, but equally when I hear people break off relationship “to save the other persons feelings” then I tend to think they are more concerned with avoiding their own feelings of guilt for ending the relationship.
Its an act of emotional cowardice we can all easily be guilty of.
In your shoes, I would probably challenge him. I’d tell him, “I don’t need you to be so protective of my feelings, if I was frightened of getting hurt I wouldn’t get into relationships with anyone, and I don’t need you to dump me to spare my feelings.” Thus negating his reason for ending the relationship. I’d then go on an ask directly “Forget about my feelings. I’ll take the chance that you might break my heart and I’ll stick by you whilst you work out your sexuality. But I need to know, right now. Do you want to be with me? Yes or No?” If he says “Yes” then you are back on track, if he says “No” then at least you have closure.
I cannot say enough how the posts from bisexual men here have helped me, as a straight woman, understand my bi husband.
This blog is a godsend.
Ok, so I posted HappyAndHurt a few months ago, since then things have worked out wonderfully. We’ve had many conversations about the topic and he’s always been open & honest about it all. I accepted this side of him because I truely love him for who he is and if bisexuality is part of him, then I either accept it or leave. I’m not worried that he’ll leave me or cheat on me. With him its a strictly emotional thing and only happens every so often. My only hiccup at this point is that sex has always been something I considered “special” and I can’t have casual sex…so how do I accept him having casual sex? I know I can put restrictions like “I have to know about it” and “You have to be safe” but what other stipulations are fair? I want him to be himself and I want him to have his needs fufilled even if I can’t do it for him, but I’m so new at this I don’t know how…help!
I am in relationship for almost a year. In July we decided to have a baby. I am 7 month pregnant now. We live together. A few months ago my single friends told me they saw my BF on singles dating website. I trusted my BF so much, I didn’t believe my friends and didn’t even doubt my BF.
Ironically enough, a few days later accidently I found he WAS on dating web sites seeking women. Many web sites, free AND paid, he was giving his phone number left and right and say he wants to meet.
Then, digging deeper, I found he was on couple of TS sites too. Before we men, he has been divorced for 2 years after 15 years in marriage. On TS site he was saying he just trying something new after divorce.
Then I found he was looking for men on craigslist in November last year when I was 5 months pregnant.
I told him I found about women only. He denied first then finally admitted, but said he never met one or had sex with any. He said it was just a game to JUST TALK. I didn’t tell him I knew about guys.
Have no idea what to do.
I am not jealous of other guys but girls. When I found out it actually turned me on. I can’t accept him doing it with other women, I am not sure about men. My concern is protection. I mean does anybody use a condom having oral sex? I don’t think so.
He has been such a liar, he wont admit even seeing other women, or talking to them , even when confronted! He keeps lying, I don’t know why is he so scared to tell the truth, sometimes even harmless truth? Is he a constant liar?
@Lost
Sorry, but your rather rambling post is full of unanswerable questions, I mean honestly, how do you expect anyone to give you an answer?
The only question I can begin to offer a response to is the one about oral sex. Generally no, people don’t use protection when giving or receiving oral sex, but equally though, oral sex is one of the safer varieties of unprotected sex.
But is your boyfriend a liar? How the hell do I know?
I appreciate any comments. How do I expect an answer? Well, I am so lost and confused and can’t even think straight.
My advice, think straight, ask again. Asking Impossible, unanswerable questions won’t help you feel better or get any clarity of thought.
Easy to say, think straight. Are you all so insensitive??
Nope its just me. I take the ‘tough love’ approach.
And to be honest it works, You’re in a state of understandable emotional turmoil, you can’t “think straight” (your words), but by offending you with my bluntness, I’ve turned confusion into anger and you’ve been able to articulate your annoyance.
Now all you need to do is the same for your feelings about what’s going on with your boyfriend, tell us about it. What’s going on? How do you feel? What has he done? What do you think he may have done? Why do you suspect him?
I am in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. 3 months ago, we decided to live together.
Around 2 months ago, my boyfriend forgot to shut down his computer and then i looked through his history. I found out that my bf has a web cam account and chat with other girls… He asked them to dominate him while he was playing with his dildos (he bought 3 dildos)…I was shocked!
I don’t know what to… I love him and i feel that hi loves me too… He is gay? he is bi? Please tell me why he wants to be with me…
Please advice me if it is better to speak with him…. I want also to tell you that we have no sexual life…we have met sexually 4-5 times within the 2 years relationship. I have read that some men like strap on…but it is somehting that i don’t feel comfortable to do… do you think that if we use strap on we will have better sexual life…?
I am so confused!!! I don’t know what to do…
Please help me…
Just cos a guy like to be dominated by women, or because he enjoys playing with dildos does not make him gay or bi. In fact there is no evidence to suggest any homosexual tendencies if he has only ever chatted with women.
Some guys like to be dominated by women, usually only for the duration of a sexual encounter, most such men are STRAIGHT! Enjoying anal penetration is not something with is exclusive to Gay or Bisexual men, remember all men have a prostate gland and many can take pleasure from having it stimulated by anal penetration, you don’t have to be gay or bi to enjoy it. Heterosexuality versus Homosexuality are defined by which gender you are attracted to, not by what parts of your own body you rub to achieve sexual pleasure.
Why does your boyfriend want to be with you? As you can imagine this is a pretty impossible question to answer without knowing you personally, but I’ll hazard a guess its because you are nice, kind loving person who he enjoys spending time with. As to your love life, well its something you both should perhaps talk about to discover why its not happening quite as often as you’d like and why he feels has to get his kicks on-line rather than with you.
Maybe you do need to be a bit more open minded and bring his toys into your bedroom play? Or maybe you need to go further and dominate him a bit? Maybe you should tell him you’ve found out about his little web cam chats and that you’re going to “punish” him by riding his ass with a strap-on until he squeals like a little girl. Then force him to bring you to orgasm using nothing but his tongue. You would have instantly retaken control of the bedroom and your love life, turning your low-libido boyfriend into your sexual servant. Yup its an off the wall idea, but if your boyfriend is sexually submissive, then if you want to reinvigorate your love life the only way to do it is by assuming the dominant role, if you are waiting for a sub to come and sweep you off your feet and make mad passionate love to you all night then you are going to be in for a long wait.
OK. So your boyfriend is “bi”?
So now there are 8 billion people for him to run away with instead of 4 billion? Get a grip ladies. Please. What you really need to worry about is Rihanna’s new video (S&M). She is your main threat. Surely.
And here’s the reason I say that… Because most “bi” men are only “bi” in the physical sense (rather than the romantic sense). In other words they only want to have sex with other men. They are NOT looking for love. They are NOT interested in candle-lit dinners. Understand the difference between short-term and long-term mating strategies (these are biological terms) and you might just grasp what I mean. Understand the development of human embryos (especially in the early stages) and you might just grasp why so many men have the short-term mating behaviours of women (as well as nipples too). Or remain ignorant, confused and heart-broken. Your choice.
And if you’re angry because it took him so long to tell you then please consider the painfully obvious reason for this… Because you are HOMOPHOBIC. At least to some degree. And don’t even try to deny it. Because I know. Because you are reading this article for a reason. So you accept your “gay” and “bi” friends? Big deal. When you accept your “bi” boyfriend then you can look me in the eye and tell me I’m wrong. Until then you will just have to accept that men rarely admit these things to their female partners from the word go because the vast majority of women will react with shock and horror (or something to that effect).
When women are ready to face the truth then they will get the truth. Because let me assure you of one thing… For every boyfriend that owns up there are 99 more that are secret lemonade drinkers. Maybe someone should write an article called “how to talk to your POTENTIALLY bisexual boyfriend about human sexuality in a realistic and open-minded fashion”. Then perhaps we will have hetrosexual relationships (in the romantic sense) that actually work.
Having said that, if you’re a “gay” man with a “bi” boyfriend then I would start worrying if I were you.
I have been dating this guy for about three years, we have a young child together, not quite one. we just got engaged this past christmas.
We had an argument last week,a doozy, and he told me he was moving out, and he came home a couple hours later with some boxes for his things, I told him to leave to boxes, I’d pack his stuff, but that Id bought a bottle of wine, and I was expecting company, so I really didnt want him there. The company was my best friend, i think he thought I meant male company,, but whatever, after a week of fighting and talking and fighting and talking some more, he asks to come home, the very next day, a friend of mine tells me she saw his profile ona dating website, I confronted him about it, and he assures me that he didnt “hook up” with anyone, he was just angry. Well i didnt believe him, or rather, I had to find out for myself that he was faithful, so i logged in to his hotmail account, and started searching, what I found however was not what I expected.
Over the past two years he’s been emailng pictures and chatting to gay and bi men. I was shocked. I did a little more investigating, trying desperately to disproove it, I even went so far as to email some of the guys he had chatted with. One nice guy actually took the time to respond to me, and he had quite a few answers for me.
I struggled with it for a few hours, but knew I had to ask my fiance in the end, so i bit the bullet and just did it. He says he’s bi. that he knew when he was around 15 or so, he’s never acted on it, and that is a very small precentage of who he is, and that once every month or so, he has an urge to act out this fantasy with a man, and will log onto a gay dating site, and chat , and exchange pictures. He assures me that he loves me, and that he does want to spend the rest of his life with me, and he wanted so desperately to tell me, but couldnt find the courage, and that he was so relieved that I found out like this weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
I dont know what to do with this information,
i do know i love him, and that we have so much to lose if I were to just up and walk away. we have a family.
I know that i feel betrayed. That I consider what hes doing to be infidelity. whether or not theres physical contact, or if it wwas with a man or woman. in fact, if it had been with women, I know I would have packed his bags already.
I just dont know what to do.
Can i live a happy life with a man that once a month has online “affairs” with men?
I see no reason to doubt anything your boyfriend has told you. Your recent row is irrelevant. Its just an event chain that led to your discovery, its not relevant to his sexuality or the future of your relationship. What’s happened is you’ve found out he has bisexual feelings, he has been honest and fessed up. The only reason he didn’t tell you sooner is because he was frightened of how you might react or worried you might view him as less of a man.
Assuming you still love him, (he seems to still love you.) Your next step is to make him understand that you consider these cyber-chat sessions to be a form of infidelity and that you are hurt by his behaviour. Then you need to decide whether or not you are going to give him any lee-way by way of cyber-chat sessions so he has an outlet for his bisexual feelings or whether you are going to insist on these coming to an end.
What you can’t insist is that he completely represses his bisexuality. I’ve always been faithful to my girlfriends, but I’ve also been able to talk to them as “girlfriends”. For example we could both agree that Brad Pitt is hot as hell and we used to joke about which one of us would have to make room for him in our bed if he ever showed up at our door on a dark stormy night. Now this is a fairly tame outlet, next step up is something like not freaking out if you discover his gay-porn collection, at some level you have to give him an outlet otherwise he’ll just end up lying to you, so if you want this to work there has to be a bit of give and take.
I wrote previously on January 29th and again on November 6th, and I still havent gotten a response. =[
Speaking personally, I haven’t responded to your questions because I haven’t got an answer for you.
In your last post you asked: “how do I accept him having casual sex?”
I could be wrong, but I think the only person that can answer that question is you.
Ok that’s a fair answer. Since my last post we talked and I agreed that I couldn’t demand manogomy if this is a need that can only be met with sex with another man. We agreeded on some ground rules like I need to know about it, he has to stay safe, he has to start getting a yearly STD/AIDS check ect. I’m just unsure if this is a fair agreemennt, if there’s anything I’m missing? I guess I’m just looking for someone with more straight/bisexual relationship knowledge to tell me that it sounds good and confirm that I’m being the best girlfriend I can be in this particular matter.
Ok so I have been in a serious relationship with my fiance for about two years. Recently I decided to tell her (the only person I have ever told) that I have bisexual thoughts. I have never acted or tried to act on these. I’m not attracted to men at all, only the thought of giving oral turns me on. So anyways I told her this and she absolutely lost her mind. She told me she wasn’t sure if she loved me, didn’t know if she wanted to marry me, wasn’t physically attracted to me anymore and went and cried in the shower. So in a panic (of the thought of loosing the women I love) I somehow managed to tell her I had just been confused and those thoughts were not real. She now believes this (2 weeks later) and when I talk about her reaction she says she reacted poorly. So I went to a phycologist a few times and plan on telling her very soon (at the counsilors office) that the fantasy is real. I’m so terrified I love her more than I have ever loved anybody and since they have always just been fantasy thoughts I could just as easily never tell her and take the “safe” way out. I don’t want to have a secret from her though she knows everything about me minus this one fantasy. Any advice?
Dear Bitheway:
I think that you are to quick to tell these women to accept non-monogamy in their relationships, when most of these men, and in fact most men in general, are even less capable of sharing their mates than women are. Men are the ones who often respond to unfaithfulness with murder.
What most of these men want is to have casual sexual partners on the side, and then come home and get love, support, and also sex, from their primary female partners…..just like straight men. The only difference is that they want the casual partners to be men, not women.
It’s BS unless you’ve done it yourself.
How able are you to share your primary female partner with another partner of her choosing–not yours?
How willing are you and these other men to allow her to have sex on the side without you being present, to have private hook ups with other people?
In fact Bitheway, have you shared a primary female partner with someone of her choosing, not yours? Have you allowed her to have sex with this person without you being present?
I bet 99 and 34/100s of the men discussed above have not, and would not even as a condition of being allowed their own sexual freedom.
Most of these men have not done this, and most would be unable to share on this level. It’s really a bunch of nonsense, men preaching to women about being accepting of their non-monogamy, when most of them would be devastated, enraged, if not homicidal, at discovering that their female partners were seeing other people.
Also, these men are expecting, and you advocating for, the women to accept their non-monogamy. Well here’s a solution: every-time you hook-up with a guy, I will hook-up with someone too. That way I wont be left alone and wanting while your needs are being elsewhere, and when we talk about jealousy, you’ll have something to share as well!
After all, my needs don’t stop just because you have a need for a man now and again, and let me tell you, after years with the same guy, WOMEN GET BORED TOO!
And guess what? The older women get, the stronger their needs get. Shoot! I’m all for having a husband to take care of my emotional and companionship needs, to share a life with, and then having a hot (preferably younger) boyfriend(s) on the side for sex. Sounds great! Where do I sign up? And have a world full of women 35 and older looking to sign up also!
That’s why women want less sex as the relationship goes on…we’re bored and tired of looking at and getting the same old thing just like men. Oh, we still love you baby, we just need a something else to get the blood flowing, to feel alive again.
Once we get that primary relationship in place, we are able to have sex for pleasure — just like men. Oh, we will always be more discriminating. Some guys are really too dangerous and psychotic, and you have to do a thorough screening. Still too, some men will treat a woman like dirt once they realize she’s not all in love with them but still wants the sex. Most guys can’t handle that. Trust me on that one.
I’ve yet to meet any man ever who was willing to let his wife or girlfriend choose other partners own her while he played elsewhere. At the most, I’ve seen guys in their 50s and 60s go into willful denial and pretend their wives are not “hitting it on a regular” somewhere else.
A lot of these women are just young, and are not at the psycho-sexual stage of development where threesomes make sense because they are trying to create stable environments to bear and raise children in. That’s not about sex drive, it’s about the survival of our species.
My advice to them, go find a nice conventional straight guy, have your kids, divorce him your 40s when the kids are grown or just about. Then, go find a younger man to explore those MFM/ MFMM experiences with!
Now, Bitheway, let’s see if you are brave enough to print this and respond.
OK I’m brave enough to print this and respond, but I haven’t had time to read all your points in detail, just the first few and your closing remarks. I apologise for not been more thorough, but I don’t have enough spare time to address everything you wrote and I’m disinclined to as your open with a glaring misconception.
1) I have *never* counselled anyone to accept “non-monogamy”. I have counselled jilted partners against insisting their polyamorous bisexual boyfriend be monogamous simply because it tends to lead to more lies, deception and hurt.
2) I have also counselled people to forgive indiscretions that are born out of sexual confusion, shame and self-discovery and to either move on or pack-up and leave. Put simply if you can’t forgive then you are finished, don’t drag out the agony. LEAVE! I would not and have not counselled anyone to forgive habitual adultery, unless they agreed to be in an open relationship, I’d just say leave.
3) I’ve known lots of guys who’s girlfriends have cheated on them, myself included. I’ve never known anyone kill their girlfriend though. I don’t live in Iran and I don’t write from the perspective of someone who does. I make no apologies for this.
4) I am not a polyamorous bisexual, I am a monogamous bisexual – I am not “the enemy”.
That’s as far as I got, I’m not sure if the rest of your post is still relevant or whether now I’ve corrected your misconceptions I’ve null and voided the remainder. But as you had so much wrong from the outset I really don’t have any more time to spend on a reply.
Hi Tom
Difficult to offer any great advice here. Your girlfriend is homophobic, you might love her, but that doesn’t change the fact that on a certain level she holds very prejudiced views against gays and bisexuals. I mean for her all of sudden to “not find you physically attractive” shows a level of revulsion that I find particularly hard to just wash a way. Lets not beat about the bush. This is a serious character flaw.
My advice is that if she can’t get over this with therapy and re-educate herself to a less pre-judgemental perspective, then you should call off the wedding and leave her. You can do better. That was not what you wanted to hear was it?
@OK, what now?
Sounds like you are being totally awesome. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you.
Ok well things have gotten better, first off she has gay friends and I have suggested that she may be ok with that sort of thing as long as it is not in her life closely.
So I told her the truth about the thoughts that I have, she reacted much better this time but is still very off-put by it. I’m really worried she will end up being one of those women that can never forget it, and will turn her love for me into the kind of love for a friend. She has asked me if I want to pursue this fantasy, which has brought up more questions for me. When I think of doing it I do get turned on but nothing else about men does, not even the image of a penis. It is just the physical feeling of doing it, so I feel like if I ever was in the situation where I was actually doing it I would end up not enjoying it. I would never pursue giving head because even if it helped me relize whether these thoughts are or are not real I know she would never be able to look at me the same way. I have asked her what she would think if I had experimented before we met (which I haven’t) and she really didn’t have an answer. If she had been ok with me expirementing before we met then I might lean towards trying it because I would know she could deal with it. I have never pursued or thought of actually trying to do it before, so it seems best to just hope she can get over it and love me for who I am. What a bad situation, any thoughts….?
My first thoughts are that whatever happens you shouldn’t cheat on your girlfriend by experimenting behind her back. Before you go out and try anything she has to be on board. If you can’t get her on board then you really have two choices. (1) Leave her. Or (2) repress your desires. The 3rd option, to cheat on her will only lead to a breakdown of trust and more pain, guilt and angst for both of you, so its not an option. Remember also if you self-repress she might not be able to forget and you might not be able to be happy. So really it all hinges on getting her on board whether you decide to experiment or not.
Well I would never cheat on her so there are no worries there. I have talked extensivley to her about this and she really would like to let me try it just once to find out what is going on, but she doesn’t know if she could handle it. She says she knows logically it is fine to her but emosions don’t always follow logic. So I have only had these thoughts a handfull of times my whole life. I would like to know the truth and so would she but I would never be able to go through with it even if she told me to unless I knew she would be ok in the end. That information will never be known so her and I feel it would be best to just let it ride. She has told me if it comes to the point were it is really important and vidal that I know that she would be on board to “test” it. I don’t feel it will ever come to that but it is comforting to know she would make such a sacrafice and risk to make me happy, it shows me how much she really loves me. I think everything will be just fine the way it is, right now I’m just happy to have no secrets, and a fiance that loves me for who I am. Thanks for the feedback!!!
@ US woman
I’m a 33 year old bi guy in an ethical non-monogamous relationship with a bi girl. I think your points are valid, especially in the States as I get the impression you guys think more in black and white and less in shades of grey. However, I’m fine with her sleeping with whoever she wants to, and in many cases I actively encourage her. Likewise she loves hearing about my adventures. I can honestly say it’s one of the nicest relationships I’ve ever had as we have a level of openness neither of us has had before. I think the problem you have is that the majority of straight guys are idiots due to the double standards they’ve been raised with. Possibly you also have to content with the effect of religion- here in the UK we’re pretty secular and maybe less disapproving of non-traditional relationships? Anyway, just wanted to reassure you that there are guys like me out there who are looking for ways to be happy in open relationships that don’t involve betraying the people we love most.
My daughter, age 16, found out by accident that her boyfriend is bi-sexual. He gave her his Facebook password and she read some messages where he was contacting other boys at their school. It’s two boys and as far as we can tell he’s never even met them or been alone with them. However, the fact that he’s trying to meet with these guys while he’s in a relationship (he called her a cover to one guy), that means he’s cheating on her. If he was doing the same thing with other girls it would be considered cheating, right? Anyway, I think this boy really likes my daughter, he seems to treat her right and want to be around her. I just don’t know how to guide her through this. I don’t expect it’ll be a long term relationship, they are 16, but I don’t want to see my daughter get hurt either.
Thanks.
Well my first concern is for your daughter’s boyfriend. She mustn’t out him publicly that could be really hurtful especially whilst he is still in school.
Next up I’d say if he considered your daughter to be “a cover” then he’s gay not bi.
Teen romances are often short-lived, she knows his secret now, but your daughter shouldn’t be with him just to be his cover and it sounds like he really is more interested in guys. So I think you should discourage your daughter from falling head over heels here.
If your daughter can handle it, it might be good that she privately confronts him and explains why they can’t be boyfriend and girlfriend any more, but if she wants to there is no reason why they can’t revert to just being friends. What she mustn’t do is out him in anger!
I’m a bisexual girl who recently committed to a relationship with a man (funny story we both dated the same girl previously). Anyway, I very very recently found out he identifies as bisexual. he started crying when he told me and I assured him it was ok, and that I still loved him. Later on I asked him about his preferences with men and past history etc. the POINT of this story is to say that ever since we’ve talked about it we’ve been SO much closer than any relationship I’ve been in before. And no I dont see other girls and he doesnt go out with guys, its just us and we are 100% happy with each other. So if your boyfriend comes out to you, realize its not the end of the world and may actually make your relationship a million times stronger
How can a bisexual man be in a monogamous relationship (meaning having sex AND having a relationship with one person)??
If you desire the same sex, how can you suppress that desire? I feel that it is inherently wrong to have sex with multiple people and have the nerve to say that you are “fully committed” to someone.
I opened up my heart and soul to this man, I let him take my clothes off and see me naked. I let him touch my body and experience pleasure from my body. I trusted him.
Now…I will simply let him freely indulge in sexual acts with others? These acts that are driven by this carnal need for instant-gratification?
I am no longer the only one. I am no longer his one true love. I’m just one more. Like a sex-object just waiting to be used again. Oh…but he gets a bonus because we’re also friends.
It is simply disgusting. I guess all you girls are okay with getting AIDS or some other STD so that you’re boyfriend can “explore” his bisexuality.
I agree that it would simply be better and would make more sense for a bisexual man to take up a relationship with another man. I’ve never heard of a “bisexual” man cheating on his male partner to be with a woman. (Oh, but I forgot that cheating doesn’t exist for bisexuals. Of course it doesn’t….)
Hi Nameless –
A heterosexual person can be attracted to many different people. However he or she can remain faithful and monogamous to a single person. Equally a bisexual person can be attracted to many different people, the only difference is that these people will be male and female. Its still ‘many’ people. And some of us can still choose to remain monogamous and faithful to single partner. For us its no more difficult than for a straight person.
Try to think of it like this, bisexuality doesn’t mean you are attracted to men AND women, it means you are attracted to men OR women. I see gender as just another physical characteristic, remaining faithful to a woman whilst also being attracted to men. is no more difficult than remaining faithful to a blonde when I also fancy brunettes.
I haven’t read all of the replies to this article, but for those who maybe have, my situation is different than a lot of the ones I’ve read so far.
For one thing, before I started dating my boyfriend, he told me was bi.
My situation is that we are now six months into our relationship and I’m thinking about some intimate conversations we’ve had. I’m concerned about down the line, since I think we are such a great match and will be together for a while, what I can do to make sure he is happy and I don’t hold him back.
Our situation is also interesting because both of us are very sexually inexperienced. I was a virgin when I met him (and while I don’t make promises a woman wouldn’t strike my fancy, I identify as heterosexual). So for different reasons, but not totally different ones since we’re both shy, if we are together “forever” it just brings it into sharp relief that two people in that situation cannot possibly be completely satisfied. Both of us feel there are gaps in our personal sexual experience. But even if we had tried everything (whatever that means), we’re still human and no one person can be everything for any other one person even if they’re together for 50 or 60 years!
I’m not jealous, I don’t feel betrayed (which some of these comings out have elicited). I’m more concerned about not placing barriers to his fulfillment as some way of proving something. I don’t wish to possess him and wouldn’t you rather create an atmosphere in which your boyfriend wants to and feels obligated to tell you what he truly feels and wants than create a reason for lying and sneaking or unhappiness? I’m ultra-realistic about all of this. Jealousy is a waste of energy. His best friend is his only other long-term girlfriend before me. And it doesn’t weird me out that he’s told me about fantasies involving men. I’m truly touched and happy he felt comfortable telling me because we are friends before we’re lovers.
So my issue is, how can I come to terms with accepting that we may in fact end up having an open relationship? And how do I let it happen? I would want to leave open any way for him to experiment (and me if I felt like it) so that his being with me is not something that gets in the way of his own personal sexual fulfillment and life experiences.
I’m engaged and about to have the baby of the man I am with. we have struggled through a lot of things. I found out he has kids from a previous relationship that he didn’t tell me about. I stayed with him because I love him and I do understand to a point why he hid it from me. I was adopted and he knows I held some resentments towards my birth parents as a child. Although now I am very accepting of it. When we first got together we had a lot of sex. But for months (even before I got pregnant), the sex started to die down. For the most part he’s a stay at home kind of guy. I started feeling like he was hiding something for me and one day stumbled upon his e-mail.
There were e-mails from people replying to a Craigslist add that had been posted on his account. So I started looking through the e-mails. My finance had replied to some of them and his replies were in pink. At first I was pissed but than I realized the e-mails were all from men.One of the e-mails was from a man with a Georgia number and they were talking about trying to meet up and being discreet. The replies my finance made didn’t even sound like something he would say. When he came home I asked him about it. He vehemently denied it. Said his ex must have hacked into his e-mail. Which also means she would have hacked into his Craigslist account, which just doesn’t seem feasible.
About a week before I found the e-mails I had found a Georgia number in his phone. I could have sworn it was the same number but because I hadn’t written it down I wasn’t sure. I tried approaching him nonchalantly, he still got defensive and angry and denied it. So eventually I let it go.In the next few weeks he made an effort to pay more attention to me and became more sexually active with me again. Which almost made me think he was trying to prove a point. Yesterday I was on the google toolbar and the history showed someone looking up ‘xxx Tranny movies’ and also ‘Quest Personals Austin’, and the number for Quest Personal chat line. Again I asked my fiancée he became defensive and erased everything. I decided to look at the tool bar on his laptop, thinking if it had similar things on there he would have to admit he is the one that looked that stuff up. On the laptop there were searches for ‘tranny pics’, ‘xxx tranny movies’, ‘school girl outifts’, and fem boy. (Remember the emails he had were replies to a fem bottom add).
Again I asked him about it, and I told him I had dated bisexual men in the past. That I was open to it, and I would still love him as I do now. I just don’t like being lied too. He denied, denied, denied, and than changed the subject. It’s obvious my fiancée can be attracted to woman, but no matter what excuse he has, my gut tells me he did post the Ad, maybe he is curious or maybe he really is Bi, but because of his Christian background has a hard time admitting it. Especial because of his work position he is a executive director of an assisted living place, he must be scared of people knowing.
I don’t know how to get him to tell me the truth. I have forgiven and let go of the other things he has lied about, if that doesn’t prove I am understanding I don;t know what will. I would love him the same regardless, I wouldn’t leave him, and I would support him in whatever he feels. I just want to be reassured that I am still special to him and HIS feelings hasn’t changed. I just don’;t want him lying to me or sneaking behind my back. I would never betray his trust or tell anyone, but I feel I have a right to know. And cheating is cheating no matter what the gender is of the other person. At first I thought I was overreacting, that none of this could possibly be true, but I’ve learned to trust my gut. And instinct says he posted the add sent the emails etc. How can I get him to be open and honest with me? How can I reassure him that my love would not change and that I would still be proud to call him my fiancée? I am about to start a family with this man, he treats me wonderfully with the exception of continuously deceiving me. But I know he only lies out of fear. Does anyone have any advice on how to get him to be more honest so the trust can be repaired????
OK there is no doubt, you have clearly got your fiancée pegged. He posted the ad and he has an interest in crossdressing and he’s bisexual. You know the truth, he knows that you know, why do you need him to fess up? You already realise this is a really embarrassing and emasculating thing to have to admit. Forcing him to say it, when you already know the truth is unnecessary.
But if its really that big of an issue for you, if you have for force him to be honest with you, then rather than let him think you are in any doubt, tell him you know. And tell him how important it is to you that he doesn’t lie or deceive you and if it really matters to you that much. Tell him that if he doesn’t fess up you’ll break off the wedding. But only do that if it REALLY is that important to you to force the words from his lips. Because he might call your bluff, then you are fucked. So before you do anything decide how important it is to you that he confesses what you already know.
Recently, I discovered that my boyfriend has been cruising for men. When I confronted him, he denied that he was doing that until I told him that I followed him and saw him in action. He was upset that I did not trust him. He feels like he should not confess anything because I invaded his privacy to get the truth. He has never admitted that he is bi or gay. I love him even if he is bi. If he is gay, I understand that I have to move on.
I was calm, understanding and caring when I confronted him but I think he has never been honest with himself. We were considering a polyamorous relationship with other couples but he never revealed that he liked MM or MMF. I am a very open person and the thought of watching him with a man or woman does excite me but the thought of him doing it behind my back upsets me.
Trust is the issue we have. I had a problem from the start trusting men and he knew my issues. I told him how I used to snoop if I felt anything off but he told me he never thought I would do it to him. Well, I did and now this is the end result. He does not trust me also. I just outed my BF. I know he is afraid but I wonder if it is fear that drives his secret life or is it the high from all of the anonomous public sex.
I’m a 34 year old male and I haven’t had sex for 10 years. I grew up feeling I was completely heterosexual until the age of 22, when a memory of a homosexual experience (only one in my life so far) came back during a time of difficulties in some relationships with women. I’ve been with about 10 women from time I was 18 to 24. The sexual experiences before 22 with women were awesome. The memory of my same sex experience shocked me at first. But I stopped thinking about it until about 6 months later when I had an erectile dysfunction moment with a girl I met. I started wandering if I was gay and panic took over. I still have panic attacks when I’m around men. I used to freak out when I saw a rainbow flag. I guess I found that part of me unacceptable to me.
After 12 years of struggling with these feelings and pretending they don’t exist, I am finally facing them. Mostly because I can’t take anymore anxiety, stress and depression. I believe I deserve better quality of life than this.
One of the things I’m noticing is that I’m changing my attitude and views towards sexuality, period. I’ve opened up to some people about my experience, and I’m noticing, that people aren’t just straight and gay but there is some ambiguity in the human sexual experience. I told my 2 male friends, and they think I’m straight. I guess I was seeing the world as gay or straight only. But maybe the better option is to do some soul searching once you get past the panic and bring some calm into your life and see what is really there.
I’m being more open minded to my same-sex fantasies,a and to my surprise, my heterosexual desires have spiked. This experience of sexuality or whatever is happening is a crazy trip, haha. There are a couple of girls that have really caught my eye and I fantasize quite animalisticaly about them, which I haven’t experienced since before 22. I don’t want to dive into dating anyone, until my anxiety around men, which makes me feel miserable, is no longer triggered in life. Before I developed same sex desires at age 22, I never felt ill-at-ease around men, and I miss that. I’m hopeful my better acceptance of myself will do that. I’m not sure I want to actually have sex with guys when it really comes down to it, but at the same time, I’m not interested in repressing my sex desires/drive, be it for women, men (inanimate objects, self, but not beast) , for another 10 years. I hope I’m moving int he right direction in life, away from suffering. I can see myself with a woman or having some fun dating women, or maybe even with a man, god knows, at this stage I’m just trying to hold on on this ride.
Reading some of the comments from women here has been encouraging, and hopefully we can all see that we’re just humans, some more confused then others, with feelings. I have fears that I could be one of the self-involved guys, though. Any suggestions for enjoying this life more would be welcome.
So my Boyfriend of two years just came out about being bi-sexual. I was caught completly off guard by it, and it wasn’t at all what I was expecting our “talk” to be about. My first reaction was shock and complete silence. Seconds later, my tears just would not stop falling. I have absolutely nothing against homosexuals (male/female). It just isn’t what I saw ideal for myself in my life. I was completely open-minded and heard him out. Although hurt, confused, and a bit lost, I accepted him because I saw no other way. I love him dearly and he plays such An important role in my life. Through out the entire conversation I cried (which I feel absolutely bad about). I know he didn’t mean to hurt me and the last thing I want to do is make him uncomfortable telling me things or hurt him.
He says that he is just coming to terms with it and that he doesn’t want o to tell everyone but he already told his family. I asked him what it meant, and. If he wanted to persue (for lack of a better word) it. As in be with men. He says no. That he is just accepting It. I don’t know hw true this is… but I just want him to be honest with me. I have so many questions for him, but I’m afraid to ask because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. When is it ok to ask? Or is it? Or how? And is it possible to be bi and not want to be with the same sex. I’m utterly confused. I want him to be who he is,and not be someone who is living by the stakes of others likings!
HELP please
Confused1, let me reassure you, its perfectly possible to be bisexual and only want to to be with one person.
A straight guy might be attracted to blondes and brunettes, do you instantly worry that because you are blonde he desperately craves to be intimate with a brunette? (I hope you answer No!) Well equally a bisexual guy can be attracted to men and women, gender can just be another physical characteristic, (well it is for me at least). I am quite happy being with a woman or with a man. I don’t need both.
Use the site search for “Alternating Bisexual” and you’ll find more detail. But rather than but upset you should be fairly honoured your boyfriend chose to confide in you and hasn’t cheated on you.
Ok, here is my story, I have dated a bi guy for 3 months, he told me he was bi at the beginning but assured me that now he made his mind to spend the rest of his life with woman, no more man and he said he is single. I trusted him and we really had great time together. Couple weeks ago, his male partner just phoned me, and it turns out that he has been ‘married’ (civil partnership) to this guy for 5 years. And they are living together as a couple. He cheated on both of us. Then again, he said he wanted to leave his gay partner, they were not happy, bla bla bla, he wants to stay with me.
Although having said that, he didnt mention a word to dissolve the partnership and no action from his side to show that he would leave him.
I am totally pissed off by his reaction. I think he just wants to stay with both of us which neither of us can accept. I really like him, but i feel very very very much insecure if we get back together again. Is he a liar just want to keep man and woman at the same time? Shall I just leave him?
I am so glad I found this site. Reading about people’s experiences really helps me feel that I am not alone in dealing with this. I wish I had found this site before I broke up with my bf, in order to know how to have approached the subject in a better way. I’m a straight woman (23) and have been with my bf (well, ex as of 2 days ago) monogamously for a 1yr and 1/2 and dating for a total of 3 1/2 years. I found out he was cheating on me with another woman for the last 6 months(unprotected), and through some secret e-mails found responses to craigslist ads for sex with men and TS and other women as well. I was already so hurt and shocked that he cheated that finding more info about him being bi-curious or gay or whatever it may be, did not help. I love him and care about him very much and regardless of the everything that has happened, I still do and told him so, but cheating is cheating, and I cannot forgive him for it. When confronting him, I did the best I could to tell him him that I’m hurt that he cheated and when I brought up the mm and TS and bi emails , he denied everything continuously. Even when I read him his emails, he denied it all and said an ex must have hacked into his e-mail. It hurts me as well because he has put my health in danger by having unprotected sex. I don’t know how many other people I didn’t catch that he was having unprotected sex with either (male or female). I understand that it is difficult for him to accept his sexuality because of a catholic conservative background, years of military and interest in the police force-none of which is accepting of bi or gay men. I have poured my energy, time, heart and soul into this relationship, and thought we really could have had a future together. I feel like he lived a separate life I did not know about and I don’t know if I even knew the real him. He tells me he still loves me and wants to be with me and that he screwed up but I know it’s over b/t us, and I cannot get past the cheating. I told him I love him and care about him and its okay if he’s bi or gay and I am hoping to somehow help him realize that I will still care about him regardless of his sexuality, even if we’re not together. I don’t know if he is in complete denial about his sexuality and might never come out and instead continue to hurt other women in the future, but if there are any suggestions of what I can do, I would appreciate it. (i’m thinking of sending him a link with this site). My world has turned upside down in the last week. I’m sad to lose my closest friend and my lover. Now I’m just trying to figure out how to cope.
I have not discussed anything with my boyfriend of 15 months….He doesn’t know I know. I only found out about it because I snooped through his phone & emails. I did so because he is VERY secretive about both and that made me wonder what he was hiding. Hiding something he is! I found evidence that he likes to suck & swallow men (how many I’m unsure) I discovered that he tried it for the first time about a year & a half ago and… “I find I love it, crave it even.” he said in an email. All the messages say basically the same…he likes to give to completion needing nothing in return. And he is ddf & discreet. I don’t know how I feel about all this. I’m VERY confused! I know I love him! I know you are who you are and that’s ok with me. I think no matter what everyone deserves to happy and if men make you happy so be it. If women make you happy then that’s the way it is. Whether you are a woman or a man! I’m not sure if I should approach him about it, pretend I don’t know, end things between us or… IDK!!!!!!
Surely the main issue is not so much whether or not your boyfriend is bisexual but whether or not he is a cheat? If your boyfriend is loyal then why should him being bisexual come into it?
Reading some of the post it seems to be that if you accept your boyfriend is bisexual then you just need to accept he also has sex with men whilst going out with you. Have your cake and eat it? Dont think so. No one should have to put up with that.
Hi, My boyfriend and I have been together for close on two years and we’re both really young and so really for both of us, this is our first serious. A year ago I had problems with Manic Depression, I confided in him and he’s really the only reason the I got help. Occasionally he would get really miserable and just close up on me for weeks and I worried that it might be something similar to what I went through, then a couple of months ago we were in bed and he admitted to me that he was Bisexual. Obviously, I was expecting something awful so I was quite relieved. I told him that I would support him because I love who he is, and he hasn’t told anyone else. He wants to talk about it a lot because no one else knows and he’s encouraged me to ask questions. That’s where I’m having problems. I’ve asked him if he’s thought about other men whilst masturbating, and he’s said yes and often. I’ve asked him if he checks out and thinks of guys when we’re together, he said yes. I asked him if he’s excited about experimenting and he said yes. I really want to understand and be there for him but I’m finding it really hard to accept the things he’s telling me. I’m an insecure person anyway but I feel like I’m going to be constantly compared by men and women that are better than me. Previously I’d got him involved with a lot of my guy friends so that he could have some ‘man time’ but now I’m regretting it. He’s going to university soon and he says that he’s going to completely reinvent himself, I know it’s petty but I’m really scared about him going. I just want to know what I should be doing, or If I’m asking the right questions because I’m feeling like I’m being cheated on. I just need some help on how to handle this because I’m really struggling.
Thanks x
My boyfriend is bi. I’ve known since before we were even going out, but then after we started going out about 2 months later he basically said he wasn’t attracted to me. But now, he’s telling me he cares about me and is attracted to me and he’s just confused sometimes and I really truly believe him. but its hard enough for me just trying to deal with the fact that he likes boys too, and I’m a really conservative person, I haven’t even had sex yet, plus the fact that he already broke my heart… its just, I want to be with him more than anything, but I don’t want him looking at boys or girls while we are dating. a relationship means just us 2 in my mind. I am really lost right now to tell the truth, and could just use some help or something I guess…
I found out my husband was bisexual by finding out he was having secret online sexual relationships with men and women. ALso that he had joined several gay/bisexual/swinger websites and had advertised on them as ‘looking’.
I feel hugely betrayed. I don’t know if I can trust him.
He says he has never met them face to face, but he has spoken on the phone and talked of meeting up. He didn’t tell me until someone else threatened to.
He repeatedly lied to me about it and I am spinning. Just don;t know what to do. sad and heartbroken.
@JJonas
Lets take the bisexuality out of the equation here. How would you react if you’d just found out he was chatting to women on-line and talking about meeting up for sex. How would you feel then? What would you do? Cos that’s precisely what you should do now.
This is a simple case of him having cyber-affairs, you have every right to feel betrayed, the bisexuality doesn’t make it any better or worse.
@scared
You want to be with your bisexual boyfriend (who you’ve known was bi since before you even started dating) but you don’t want him to look at boys or girls while we are dating. You do realise that if you date any man (even a straight one) he is going to look at other girls whilst you are dating? He might not tell you about it, he might do it whilst you are looking, but every man looks at other people. Its a fact of life.
My own approach depends on who I’m with. If I’m in a relationship then I’m a strictly look but don’t touch kinda guy. And usually I try to avoid looking when I’m with my partner… its rude! Though I have been with some very liberal men and women who actually like discussing who else we find attractive. One of the things I do like about being with a liberally minded guy or girl, is we can both share common ground when discussing how fit Brad Pitt is for example. However, so not to make someone feel insecure, I would generally limit such discussions to people who were entirely out of my reach ie: celebrities and not the boy next door.
That said, not every bisexual is monogamous, so if you insist on monogamy which a lot of girls do, its a good idea to check you are dating a monogamous bisexual before you get serious.
But aside from that as you sound like you are still in school and sex is not on your agenda… So…
GET REAL! Every boyfriend you have is gonna look at other people. The best you can ask is that he doesn’t do it when he’s walking down the street arm in arm with you.
i have been with my boyfriend 16 months. We adore each other. He is incredibly handsome square jaw line beautiful lips bone structure dark hair blue eyes. Since early days he has said he was bisexual but scared. Then he changes his mind says he is straight. He loves gay porn gets hit on by gay men a lot when we are out he is so beautiful. I get turned on by this but he denies it. I would love to have a 3some with him and another man. Take our sex life to another level. But he deny he is bi now. Wont discuss it. Why does he do this. Where do i go from here. We have discussed marriage. Want to be together forever. Where do i go from here. Would appreciate thoughts. He has admitted to a 69 with men. But is scared of anal even me with a strap on. His parents are very anti gay. i get very turned on by 3some with 2 guys porn. So i would love it. Ideas?
I’m about to confront my boyfriend about his bisexuality. I’ve found out that he’s been looking for sex on the internet. We are in a very good relationship, but it bothers me that he can’t be honest with me about this stuff. He acts very homophobic when I bring up anything about gay guys. I think I will allow him to see men and still be in a relationship with me. Does anyone have experience in this kind of relationship? Does it work? Will this bring us closer together or make us fall apart?
Please advice!
If you confront him you will almost certainly put him on the defensive. If you want an honest exchange you need to put aside any feeling of anger you have about him searching for sex on the internet and try to come at it from a sympathetic perspective.
He probably behaves homophobic because he doesn’t know how to deal with his own sexual attractions towards men. If you challenge him in anger, you will probably get a flat denial. If you are OK with him being bi, then that’s the point you need to start from. If you love him in spite of this, then that’s where you need to begin.
And yes these relationships can work.
Well, I came here cause I have been in a relationship with a guy for a year and so. Previously, I have been in a relationship with three other bisexual guys.
And..well..when it all seemed well and I thought we could be monogamous…all three of them broke up with me because they wanted to be a girlfriend and that they don’t feel like “being with a guy” right now.
Those situations has seriously left me scarred. I get scared of being in relationships with bisexuals cause of just that fact. “They will get tired of me and not want me because I’m not what they want sexually.” It’s happened to me. THREE times. ALL OF THEM admitting it to me.
Now, it’s really hard for me to trust my current relationship. Well, not exactly trust…but cope with it. I sometimes feel a bit inadequate, but that is because probably of my own thoughts. But, I get nervous. I sometimes wonder how does he cope with being bisexual.
I mean HE ISN’T EVEN OUT! He is dating me but he can’t even admit to his own friends and family that he is bisexual, let alone in a relationship with a guy. Then yet he can post up how he thinks “Megan Fox” is hot and say he is straight and likes women.
IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I’M NOT A PART OF HIS LIFE! I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO SUPPORT! I can’t battle women. I don’t want to be a girl. I like being a dude. Playing football games and stuff. It’s just…I don’t know…I feel like a mental rubix cube and I just want to accept him for who he is but this is really challenging for me.
I have found myself in a difficult situation as I discovered that the man I am engaged to be married to is on a gay and bi-sexual cruising website. He has never told me that he thinks he may be bi-sexual which is what his profile said he was, there were explicit videos of him pleasuring himself on there and I dont know what to do. I confronted him about it however as he works away from home it was only over the telephone and he just denied he even knew this profile existed on this website.
However, (and I hasten to add I know this was wrong of me) I went through his bank statements as you have to pay for the type of membership he had to this website and i found a payment to said website for £40 so I once again confronted him with this evidence and he went off the deep end at me and started saying how dare I go through his personal stuff, especially his bank statements.
Now I dont have a problem if he is bi-sexual and I have tried saying to him that I dont have a problem with it, we can find a way to cope with the new dimension to the relationship and if he wants to be with other guys whilst with me or if he is just experimenting then I could deal with that IF he was open and honest with me about it and told me he was going to meet up with them. Perhaps I am being very naieve about the situation.
He currently wont talk to me and half broke up with me last night and is saying he cannot trust me anymore as I went through his bank statement, but I did at some point last night convince him to think seriously about everything and he said he would sleep on his decision, as yet I havent heard anything from him.
Do you have any advice for how I should handle this situation or even an opinion anything you can offer me would be fantastic.
Chesa
I made a post on November 6th 2010. I’ve been harassed by people I know for posting that, is there anyway you can delete it? Can you delete this post too. Id greatly appriciate it.
My boyfriend of a year and a half text me the other night that he was bisexual and wanted to have a threesome with me and another guy…. I was at a family function when I got these texts. To be quite honest, I knew he was bisexual. He’s made comments about this fantasy before, but then would always say he’s completely straight (I always had my doubts). The thing is, it doesn’t bother me!! I’m not in any way offended by his sexuality, what I hate is that he lied to me. He’s asked me before about having involving another person in our sex life, we talked openly about it, but I just am not ok with it, I can’t do it. I told him honestly that my emotions could not handle seeing him with another person or knowing that he’s been with another person. It would ruin us, and destroy my trust for him. I’m not in any way offended by his sexuality, what I hate is that he lied to me. When he asked me this again the other day, I did react a little harshly saying I could never do that (which I had explained to him before). Then he responds by saying it was all a joke, he’s not bi… This led to a long night of “you don’t believe me, you don’t trust me” him making me feel guilty…. Last night I finally got him to admit He IS bisexual and he has been with a man before. He says he’s ok just to be with me and only me… but is he really? Am I wrong to ask him to limit himself to me, when I know I can’t fully satisfy him in that area (I do all I can for him sexually, always have)? We have an awesome sex life, we both love to experiment with each other, and he’s the most amazing man I’ve ever known. I’ve never been in love like this before, but involving someone else is something I can Not do, man or woman. I’m just so confused now as to what I can do to make sure I keep him satisfied without resenting me. I know he loves me.
Hi….my boyfriend and i are young. Weve been together months and he just told me hes pretty sure hes bi. I feel horrible because i had said a few months before that i refuse to date bi guys since you end up with twice the competition and twice the insecurities. Ultimately, i told him i accept it and well work it out, but im still concerned. He and i met by chance–whos to say he wont accidentally meet the right guy? I love him a lot. I do. But i still feel weird, even having put his concerns to rest. Its just….a lot to take in. He even just admitted he got a boner when i suggested he finalize whether or not hes bi by making out with my friend nick (yes, i know i shouldnt have suggested the whole “phase” thing. I am kicking myself for that). But hearing that did make me falter a little in my confidence that well work it out. Could i get some support?
I knew my partner was bi-sexual right from the start of the relationship but it certainly hasn’t made anything less complicated, confusing and hurtful.
In the begining it was only very few random spurts of wanting to get on chat sites and watching gay porn. But then the interest started to get more and more until finally I said to him to go out and have a random encounter.
Well did that open Pandora’s box or what!!!!!!
I have always said that I can accept it if I am still feeling special and no 1 in the relationship. And I don’t think thats too unreasonable do you?? Anyway I can quite easily say that I in no way feel special in fact I feel ugly, insecure and ignored. So much time now is spent flirting and watching gay porn and using toys and etc etc.
I am ignored, I am forgotten about and I am yelled at if I DARE ask what he’s doing and if he is going to spend anytime with me that weekend.
I have now reached the point where I am looking for somewhere else to live and I am making plans to move on with my life. I have been accepting, embracing and open minded, however whats the point in being all of that when no one is recognising how special and unique that is.
I tried my best. I did everything I could for him……and then some but at the end of the day I am miserable and I am lonely and I have realised that even if I gave him the sun and the stars he still wouldn’t 100% be completely mine in body and thought.
I will miss him but I won’t miss how I felt throughout the relationship.
I recommend to any girl entering a relationship with a Bi man to seriously ask yourself if you are prepared for that and are strong enough mentally and emotionally to deal with that.
I thought I was. I thought I had always been the ice queen with no breakable feelings but this broke my heart, heightened my insecurities and crushed my spirit.
xxxxxxx
This forum is so helpful, I cannot begin to tell you. My boyfriend (now ex-, as of this week) had two sexual experiences with men (oral) many years ago… and was so consumed by guilt and shame he never told anyone – until now. Just before we met (a year ago) he was coming out to his friends and family – not as gay or bi, just that those experiences had happened. His intention then was to explore and come to terms with himself, but instead, we met and his energies went into building our relationship. He told me early on of his experiences which didn’t surprise me (most of my friends have experimented) but looking back I should have realized what a huge deal it was to tell me, and acted accordingly.
In any case, we built a really solid partnership… until…our growing commitment became too much for him to juggle with the ever-present desire to figure himself out. I say ever-present, but I never really heard about it from the day he told me of his past, until the day he broke it off. That last day was two months ago. We got back together a month later, and now, we’re apart again – promising no contact so he can do whatever he needs to to figure himself out, explore, come to terms, accept, think – just, space. My question to you: I love him deeply. Letting him go feels terrible, but right – this is an important time for him, and how could I even think to interfere? But… I want him back. Is there hope? I’m not questioning our love and caring for each other, but his confusion became too much for both of us.
I have been with my partner for 8 years and previously knew him as a colleague for 2 years.
I recently looked at his mobile phone and found sex messages from men. I questioned my partner about this and he told me he had only had one instance of sex with a man. I found this hard to believe.
I told my partner that if he told me the truth, I promise to stay and try to work it out beacuse I want to start on a clean slate. He told me everything. He uses Glory holes with strangers he has never met and meets men in hotel rooms. He has been doing this throughout our relationship – He works away
I appreciated his honesty , his acceptance of his bisexuality and his acceptance of cheating. I am not upset about his sexuality, I am upset by his dishonesty, I thought he could tell me anything. We are now trying to work things out so we can be totally honest with each other. My partner is also reciving sex councelling to discover his own sexuality and realise the riks associated with his sexual behaviour.
The outcome I would like is that he has safe sex with men, is open and honest with me about that and uses safe sex with me. I know he loves and I love him.
We now need to rebuild trust, hopefully that will come in time.
I have been with my bisexual bf for 14 months now and living together for the past 8 months. He was very up front with me about his bisexuality. I am not bisexual but I totally love that he was able to feel so safe and loved enough to tell me. We talked about it in chat and we both found it incredibly exciting. I let him know my rules for if it ever happened – as we have both been cheated on in the past and neither of us want to hurt each other that way. It has been about 8 months since we shared this in chat. He said it is up to me to decide if we would pursue this. I have decided that yes I am ready for this as I don’t think it is fair that I am able to get everything I need from him but maybe he isn’t able to get everything he needs from me. Let me be clear – he never has made me feel that I don’t completely satisfy him.
I am so glad that I found your blog as after reading all the messages it is great to be able to read how some other women are loving and supporting their partners.
My bf denies he is bi, but today admited he might want to experiment in the future with guys. He said he was embarrtassed to tell me, but I could see the signs over the past 2 years of being with him. I told him I am ok with it but in truth I am freaking out!!! I dont want him to play with other people, guys or girls, and I know I am going to have to let him eventually to satisfy his curiosity. Not sure what to say to him, I don’t want him to keep it to himself and hide it from me but Iit kind of makes me sick thinking about it…..
I’m a bisexual guy and this may be out of topic but anyways I want some advice. I have a boyfriend who is also bi he’s had sex with a boy and a girl before, he didn’t have feelings for any of them it was just lust I feel strange when the thought of us having sex comes I feel like, eww he’s been fucked by a guy before hes fucked a guy too and a girl, its shameful and and it makes me sick what should I do? I love him so much but sex seems like it wont happen because of my disgust.
hey; i think my boyfriend is bi and it scares me tho; because i feel like he’s going to choose he wants a guy later in life…..
i dont want to lose him. that would be so depressing.. i dont know what to do. if he is bi; i think ill just try to accept it. ill still feel weird bout it occasionally; cuz he does act gay somewhat and like the whole school thinks he’s gay.. so peers aren’t the problem//
i just dont want to lose him….
My Bf and I have been together just over three years.
Last year things got a bit bumpy when his ex kept trying to come back into the picture. I have always been friends with my Ex’s and it never bothered me if my BF was the same.
Expt for her because of many people she hurt and manipulated. I found out they went for coffee a fee timed and has covered it up. So the feeling comes and goes if he was cheating.
Last week When he used my phone to check his email, he never logged out. Not realizing this when I opened it, that it had some match sights and personels. I was confused and yes, looked. They werr all to meet men. Chats he has had in previous days to meet up with people an saying he’s new at this and shy,Bi. He wants to meet people and try new things.
We’ve always had a close relationship and tell eachother everything. I then thought this is “new” ad in a month?! but it’s a year that The emails went back. Nothing tho if every meeting a Man.
He doesn’t know that I am aware of this. I would like for him to know, but how would I come across doing so?
Im scared that if he had met with anyone even not knowing their background, to come home and sleep with me after.
He has always said that if I even had sex with a girl it was cheating and not acceptable. he would leave. So how to approach this?
Thanks
hi,
please share how you were able to make your gf feel secure that your relationship is monogamous, despite of the fact that you are bi. was there a point when you actually cheated with a guy (lapse of judgment, etc)? did she know?
i would appreciate it if you would reply through my email. i will save the details. thank you very much
I was in a relationship with a bisexual man, and he told me the first time we hung out that he was bisexual.
At first, I didn’t know what that meant; I thought it meant that he didn’t like me. Then we went back to his house, and all of the sudden he was asking to kiss me. I just went with the flow. Eventually it started to eat away at our relationship because I assumed that this meant he was always looking at men.
About five months into our relationship, he broke up with me because he thought he couldn’t be “straight enough” for me.
I realized then that he thought I expected him to be straight. I also realized that I wouldn’t love him if he was straight, because he would be a different person.
He realized that he didn’t want to give me up, and we started dating again.
I always had the fear deep down that he would leave me again, because he simply felt that he would rather be with a man. That started eating away at our relationship. I asked him questions about it constantly, assuming always that he couldn’t love me because I was a woman.
He thought I was asking the questions because he was showing signs of that.
He wasn’t.
I messed up.
But he has broken up with me again, feeling that he has to make a decision. I wish he didn’t feel this way, because it isn’t fair. He’s gone from suppressing his feelings toward men, to having to suppress his feelings toward me.
We thought we’d just be friends, because we are very involved in each others’ lives. As it turns out, we’re just too attracted to each other. The other night we couldn’t stop looking at each other at the bar and ended up going home and sleeping together.
How can he call himself “only interested in men,” when he is so goddamn attracted to me?
I suggested an open relationship, because he is far too important to me to lose. He thinks that the poly-amorous option would only prolong the same pain because even if we start out as each others’ primaries, that could change. It’s very clear that we love each other deeply…We both feel that our relationship is perfect. He says if he could choose, the choice would be obvious: me.
I like to think that he doesn’t have to choose. But I understand how being with me in a monogamous relationship contrasts his internal feelings towards men. I wish there was some way for him to be with me and not have to suppress his feelings toward men, because I don’t think that’s fair.
Ideas?
I have never felt so accepted by a person in my life, and it’s painful to feel unworthy because of my sex, which neither of us can help.
This whole thing is so frustrating. To me, if we are two people who love each other and had a wholesome, growing relationship, we should be able to be together. If love isn’t enough, what is?
I honestly feel like monogamy and heterosexuality are not natural to humans and are social constructs. I want to live outside of those things and be able to love my boyfriend. But how can I get HIM to see beyond those things? I don’t want him to change or choose, I just want him to feel comfortable loving me and being interested in men.
Hi,
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he is just a wonderful person, partner and a better father figure to my 9 year old than I had ever hoped for. He understands me better than anyone does, even myself. He appreciates my unique sense of humour, gets along well with and understands my father (a difficult task), and the most amazing thing is the relationship between him, myself and my daughter, it’s as if we are in our own secret little world when we are together and are so blissfully happy.
I had always felt that something was slightly askew sexually between us, it was always hard to put my finger on it but having sex with trent was just a little different, he would spend so very long giving oral sex, too long, and he never really seems present when we are doing it. the sex has never been fantastic. but is ok. As we progressed into
the relationship his interest in sex waned, i was lucky to get it once a week and usually i had to force it and the only way to get him in the mood was if i gave him oral first
About a year ago, i followed a gut instinct and logged onto his emails. i found a message from a gay website in his deleted mailbox. after my initial shock, i visited the site and logged on with the password he uses for everything. It seemed to look like something that had only been set up recently, and I found some messages that talked about fantasies and also the discussion about planning a hook-up. His profile was that he was a discreet bisexual, liked to chat when he was online only and that he was a ‘bottom’. After finding this I confronted him in an outraged state, he denied everything and made up the most ludicrous lies. I persisted and continued to dig and as I gathered more evidence he gradually admitted that he had been chatting online to guys because its something that turns him on some times. he down-played it as if it was nothing and was obviously so ashamed and embarassed to discuss it, it is obviously something hes not comfortable with. He said that he had never hooked up with anyone and had no desire too and that it was only an on-line thing – and i decided then that if this was true, I could get over it. If he had cheated on me I could not (just as i couldnt if he had done it with a woman). I still considered the chatting to be a violation of our boundaries and felt very betrayed – i think this is because when he is chatting he is getting off with someone else- a real person- outside of our relationship. virtual or not it crossed the line. i told him so and he said he agreed and would stop. then i softened my approach, told him i understood why it turned him on and that i thought that gay sax is hot (which i do). I so badly wanted him to share his feelings with me, thinking it would bring us closer and also thinking that if he could open up to me then we could do some kinkier things that might meet his sexual needs thus taking away the urge for him to go online.
He opened up a little for a while but after a few weeks stopped talking about it and got mad when i brought it up, i couldnt handle the thought of being a trusting fool if something was still happening.
I went through his phone bill and found a number that looked suspicious. At this point i really just wanted to find out whether he had ever done anything physical. So i sent a message pretending it was from my boyfriend on a new phone number and co-erced him into some dirty talk, he got right into it and i asked him for a hook up, we made a time and i asked if he could promise it would be as good as last time- he said it would be even better! So i felt like i had my answer, and confronted my boyfriend, but he denied it saying that he must have been referring to online or text sex in the past. Unsatisfied that i had been told the truth i crossed all the boundaries and set up a mobilespy account on his phone. i kept it on there for months. i saw all incoming and outgoing texts, calls, emails, aswell as websites and gps signals. and through that time there was nothing. it actually restored my faith in him and i felt like i could almost trust hime again.
even still there was a niggling feeling that would not go away -if i married him, would i one day find him in bed with another man? i would have wasted the prime of my life on him when i should have learnt the first time.
but i loved him and didnt want to be with anyone else.
so there was nothing until recently when i logged onto one of these sites, which i do periodically just to check by entering his email into the forgot password section just to see if he has re-registered. anyway this time it said ‘email sent’. so realising he had recently set one up I retrieved the password from his email, then deleted the email thinking i would be smarter about it this time, and logged in. This time it still really hurt because there were messages that looked like he was trying to set up a hookup, on a night a few days before when i had been texting him asking why he was out so late and that i was getting mad he wasnt home yet and he just kept saying il be home soon, i love you etcetc. Anyway, he had initially sent some messages asking for a hookup, then stopped and started texting (i cross referenced with his phone bill), but then after he was home there were messages to him asking whether he was still going to come over, then saying never mind im going to sleep- so i deducted that it did not look like there was a hook up. when i asked him later about why he tried to organise one if he wasnt trying to do it, he said it just encourages them to chat back if they think he will come over. However before i confronted him, i tried to trap him by using a fake profile i had set up months before, i sent him a message, and awaited a response. However all week he did not respond, even when i was out all night for one of these nights. I was getting frustrated- i just wanted him to write back, so i could find out how far he would be willing to take it- thats all i want to know!!! I went to go out that saturday night with some girflirends, and out of the blue he got insanely jealous and told me i wasnt allowed to go out (which is out of character)- it was this that made me confront him with my findings as i was so outraged that he dare be jealous of me considering what he had done.
I broke up with him after this, but took him back after a couple of days, and he confessed to going online after a few drinks one night (on his mobile browser), that he hadnt done it since last time a year ago (which i pretty much knew anyway) and that he only logged on that one night and not since (which i also knew as the message remained unopened). So I took him back again. This time he has been a little more comfortable with my efforts to meet his needs- although he pretends that he just goes along with it to meet my kinky urges. For the first time the other night, i put a finger up his bum whilest giving him head, and he loved it. Then he got the dildo out to use on me, but he ended up putting it up his own bum whilst he was fucking me. I don’t even think he knew that i saw it. it turns me on at the time, i really do find it sexy, but afterwards i am a little less attracted to him, i guess because I have that primale female need to feel like my man is the big, strong dominator, and I’m the one that wants to be taking what he gives me. I’m just like that I guess. But that being said I do feel closer, and glad that he will share that with me, but a little sad that ultimately I can’t give him what i think he really wants. I’m no longer instensely spying as I know it was bad for our relationship, however I still check his phone and computer sometimes- although i know he would be much more careful now anyway.
Thankyou for reading the last 12 months of my life! I guess the reason that I’ve written this is because I just need some advice from someone who seems to be an expert in this field- someone who might have a similar perspective to my boyfriend.
I know that each person is different and that it’s wrong to stereotype, but do you think, based on what i’ve told you, he has actually cheated? am i neive for believing him? is he going to cheat or is the online sex as far as it will go?
I know you don’t know him and only have what ive said to go on, but I read that you believe there are men who are bisexual and will have those feelings and yet remain monogomous. I guess im hoping thats what he is.
I know he loves me more than anything and is so happy with our relationship, but I also know that people can separate emotion to have mindless sex especially if they have strong fantasies.
I would really love your perspective on this. I’ve told my best friends and my family (he doent know that they know), my friends think i should leave him, myparents think i should make him go to counselling, but i don’t think anyone really understands or has enough experience with it to make a good call.
thanks for your time.
Hi BiTheWay,
Thank you for hosting and maintaining this website. I’ve learned a ton of very valuable information from reading all the posts here. (Took me 2 hours, but they went quick.) And thanks to all the women who’ve shared their thoughts and opinions, it’s very insightful for the rest of us.
Thought I’d post my summary of notes it in case it’s helpful to others. I’m not a psychologist or counselor so could very likely be wrong in some points. Would value your feedback if you get time.
Thoughts from reading all the above posts:
1 – PREVIOUSLY SAFE AREA NOW SUSPECT – After finding out their man is bi, it’s now possible that women are afraid that when their guy is hanging out with his guy friends, that they’re actually having sex. Whereas before the news, she likely felt safe, since there were no women present. Trust damaged in an area that was previously safe.
2 – PUBLIC HUMILIATION, AND TIME LOST – Women worry that they guy is actually gay but hasn’t fully realized it yet, and that he’ll figure it out, and leave them. Also, probably, that she’ll be publicly humiliated when everyone finds out that her husband left her for another man. People mistakenly think that she was so awful, he “turned gay” to get away from her, a ridiculous, but semi-common stereotype.
3 – HOMOPHOBIC DISGUST – A couple of women on here have expressed that they just can’t be with their boyfriend now that they know he’s been with a man, even though it was years ago. They’re disgusted by what he’s done and admitted. Some people are simply homophobic. It’s difficult to compete with years of religion and society telling them anything not “perfectly straight” is therefore “gross” or “bad.”
4 – MONOGAMY, CAROUSING, TRUST – Women worry about keeping a man satisfied, at least enough so he’s not off carousing, and if he’s bi, then that means she cannot fully satisfy him. Possibly causing her to suspect he’ll be off carousing with other men to satisfy his urges. One woman said, “I realized the life I wanted to lead was not with 3 people in the relationship, him, me, and his bit of man from time to time.”
Also, some hookups are with other married men, which shows the he feels it’s OK to cheat on the bond of marriage. It’s also likely that a follow-on thought for a woman accepting a bi boyfriend is to thereby accept an open relationship. That’s a pretty big change in the middle of a monogamous relationship. I doubt many men would be open to the idea of suddenly letting their woman run around freely. (Barring any woman on woman fantasies.) One post said, “…most men in general, are even less capable of sharing their mates than women are. Men are the ones who often respond to unfaithfulness with murder.” She makes a good point; men aren’t always very good at sharing.
5 – FEELING DECEIVED – Seems every woman here reports feeling deceived when they finally find out. They should have known sooner. As mentioned in another article, there’s never a time that’s “soon-enough.” The only women who didn’t complain were ones told within 2 weeks, or who were friends with the guy a long time before the relationship.
6 – HEALTH CONCERNS – Women are afraid the man will get AIDS and give it to them, especially since anal intercourse without a condom spreads disease easily.
7 – JEALOUSY AND HURT – For a woman to know, watch, or even suspect her man is off having sex with someone else, can be very hurtful and cause jealousy. Especially since she cannot compete.
8 – DOUBT – Women may view men as fickle in their desires. Seems a man’s word is taken lightly, not out of spite or malice, but out of a deep suspicion that men change their minds without warning. So platitudes and promises are not viewed as absolute, leaving lingering doubts, which may not be healthy for a relationship.
9 – LOVE VS. SEX CONFUSION – “Remember that women are more inclined to see the act of sex as ‘love making’ and have great difficulty understanding bi-guys when we explain how we can lust after having sex with a man without feeling any less love for our girlfriends.” Maybe she views this revelation that he’s only been having sex with her all this time and not making love. Or, that he’s making love to other men and thus a flight risk to her since he might “fall in love” with his male partner.
10 – JEALOUSY AND INSECURITY – They both weaken a relationship, and the revelation of bisexuality seems to instill a huge measure of both feelings.
11 – FEAR, ANGER, SHAME – Many men are not confiding their true feelings because they’re afraid of rejection by the woman, being outed by the woman if she gets angry with him, and because society has made them feel ashamed of their desires. Once their secret has been confided, they feel, as BiTheWay perfectly put it, “a power imbalance”, that she has a huge secret waiting to be released at the first moment he’s made her sufficiently angry with him. The fear of being rejected by his friends, and of being disowned by family keeps him silent.
CONCLUSIONS: In the end, reading just the bold words above, telling a woman about bisexuality doesn’t seem to make things better. Also, running around behind her back is not good, as she’ll likely eventually find out and be hurt.
There doesn’t seem to be a magic answer other than to be satisfied with your woman, keep your bi fantasies to yourself and be faithful. And maybe see if you can have her do things for you that at least come close to satisfying your urges.
Thanks and good luck.
Wow what a week. Starts with me finding that my best friends partner and my previous flatmate is a cross dresser. Was just starting to wrap my head around that when my boyfriend of nearly 2 years tells me he is bi. My head is spinning. I have in my life personally only ever come into contact with 5 gay people and I am so scared I will say or do something wrong to upset either of these people. I have dated many men before that have left me feeling they have no respect for me. My partner now has been the best fit into my life. He is respectful, loving we seem to understand each other. He say the men side is not a current thing but part of his past. He feel that he does not fit into either category. How can I make him happy without losing him or losing myself.
I don’t understand some of these posts. Why would being bisexual mean you need to have two relationships at once? I’m bisexual, and I fully commit to whatever relationship I’m in, if it’s that kind of thing. If it’s a new relationship, or if it’s an open one, I can understand wanting to go out and explore, but if it’s a secure relationship, nothing should change. At all. Being bisexual doesn’t mean you want more sex or more relationships, it doesn’t mean you’re promiscuous, it just means you’re attracted to both sexes. And since that is the case, you should be attracted to whoever you’re with at the time, so I don’t see any problem!
Thanks for this. It helped me when I thought I couldn’t find answers. He just came out to me today and I am so confused on what to do because it was so sudden. I’m scared he will ask to be with men sometimes because I don’t want our relationship to end over me saying “no”. Anyways, thank you for this.
Re: Laura’s question.
Considering the fact the you have always been comfortable being bi-sexual and you are kind of turned on by your husband’s coming out — why don’t you pursue getting your bi needs met together…having threesomes or perhaps you could get lucky enough to find another couple in the same situation to become regular playmates with. I realize it’s a tall order to find a couple that you both want to play with, but it is possible. It sounds like it could be fun. Bi or straight, it is practically impossible for one person to meet all of our needs. Yes, you can supress some of your needs and get by; but sometimes if you can have open communication, it’s amazing what the possibilities are. I have had some wonderful friends with benefits in my life.
Hi,
I just found this page and have found some if it helpful. I found out a year ago my boyfriend is bi sexual. He has no idea I know and I don’t know what to do. I was a lil shocked and hurt mostly because he is cheating on me but I love him to much to just walk away. I want to talk to him about this but not sure how since I found out by snooping since I knew he was cheating. I even told him I had a fantasy about us and another guy which he is all for hoping maybe he would open up some but no. Im about to move in with him and Im so confused and hurt. How can I get him to be open with me? Please email me I so need someone to talk to.
Hi Confused
My advice, approach the subject gently. Assuming you are OK with his bisexuality, let him know that you are! A good way to approach this is is to, de-personalise this. Rather than talk about his bisexuality, talk about someone else’s. A friend’s boyfriend, hell even make up a character.
Example: “You know I just heard form a friend of mine from high-school, she’s dating this guy and he’s bisexual, but she’s been really cool about it.”
So create this scenario with fictitious characters, talk about their attitude to it in positive terms, describe their relationship in terms you’d like yours to be conducted. For example, open, safe, consensual. Lay some ground work, so he starts to feel comfortable with you knowing or finding out. Then build gently from there, but unless he relaxes into the conversation, build into it slowly over the course of a few days.
The 3-some scenario is a bit of a risky strategy, unless (a) you mean it and genuinely are turned on by the idea, (b) understand the nature of his man-on-man preferences, (ie: is he a top or a bottom, into full on sex or just oral etc.) and (c) he wants to include your in his same-sex encounters. Its not about not sharing, but many guys feel emasculated by sharing such encounters with female partners.
This final point is often the main reason a bi-guy won’t share his bisexuality. I mean we generally like women to think of us in macho-terms, that’s a bit hard for some of us to reconcile when with them seeing us with our lips around another guy’s dick.
So be gentle, be careful.
My boyfriend admitted to me that he was bi last night, at first I was ok with it, I always kinda knew anyway, just through things he’s said and his attitudes. I’m not a judgemental or bigoted kind of person, sexuality isn’t just that straightforward and I’m aware of that. I don’t make judgements of people on that basis. Anyway, like I said I was ok but then more and more things came into my mind, questions,worries, confusion and by the end I had broken down into tears and really not been supportive at all. I just freaked, does it mean that this relationship is transient?! because I love him and I’m prepared to commit to him and stay with him til I’m old and wobbly! haha! I don’t want to share him. I don’t want to know that he’s sleeping with ANYBODY else, male or female and I don’t want him to get bored and leave me for a man. I’m happy to share things with him though, I wouldn’t mind the odd bit of gay porn, it’s something I would watch anyway, but I get jealous… so no ladies! is that unfair? I don’t mind talking about it, fantasizing out loud and enjoying it together. Its kinda hot in many ways, I just don’t know where the boundaries are anymore and its a tough subject to discuss, right now anyway. It just all seems so complicated, I believe he loves me, I know he does. I just don’t know if I’m enough for him now, I don’t know what to do. I’m so worried about everything, all I know is that this man really is the love of my life, he is my whole world and I don’t want to lose him because it will completely devastate me.
To be honest I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’ve known for a year and I’m still here. I think I’m more upset that he is cheating more than anything. and that I’m feeling that I’m not good enough or just not enough period.
Thank you for your advise… I hope that He will be open and talk to me.
OK HALP!
First of all try to take a calm view of this. No it does not mean your relationship is transient, no it does not mean your boyfriend will leave your for a man. In fact in my experience quite the opposite. Most bi-guys who come out to their girlfriends have no intention of leaving them.
However, if you want to stay with him, you may have to share him. But you don’t have to know about his other sexual partners, you can set whatever rules you want, you can ask that he doesn’t tell you about it all if you want. You can insist that he only sees men. You can insist he always comes home to you. Its up to you, but you may have to share him. Be rational about this, if you don’t let him see guys (and he wants to) then he will, and he’ll either just lie about it or dump you.
So, unless he’s prepared to be monogamous, you don’t get this relationship to pan out the way you want. Your choice is to accept that, or leave. But you generally don’t have to worry about him leaving you unless you forbid from seeing other guys.
Does that make sense?
Ok! Bitheway! Thank you for taking the time to read my comment and offer your advice!
I don’t want to share him, whether I know about it or not, it’s still cheating and I’m not prepared to put up with that! I like girls too, I have never been with one and frankly, I’m fine with that, I am happy to commit to my partner, because I love him. My sexual desires are just that, sexual desires, my relationship means more to me than that. I expect the same from him. If I want to satisfy my urges, I can watch porn and I don’t mind if he does too! I’ll even do it with him! It’s all good! But when you chose to be in a relationship you should be aware that you are committing to one person and if that’s not enough for you then you shouldn’t be in that relationship. When you pair up with someone you compromise, you have to understand that you can’t always have your own way, that you are a part of someone elses life and they are a part of yours. I think that’s completely fair and logical.
Anyway, I spoke to him about it and he said he is committed to me, he doesn’t need a man and that he has done all he wants to do physically with men in the past, he says he watches gay porn and I’m fine with that, porn doesn’t threaten me, in fact I expect nearly everyone to watch it, I do! Do you think I should believe him?! I want to trust him! I have always had trust issues and I know that’s my problem! I just want him to be completely honest with me, if he needs to go and do his thing, fine, I can forgive him, I’m sure it’s been difficult for him, I understand what it’s like to be confused about your sexuality and the need to find yourself, I have done that and I want him to do the same, I just don’t want to be strung along while he does it, I don’t want my heart broken again, I’ve had too much heartache, I want to settle down and just be with one person, hard as people may find that to believe, there are those of us out there who are certain that’s what they want, though sometimes I think I’m the only one!
Forgive me, I am ranting at you! I guess I need to vent this and this seems like a good place to do it, with like minded people and those in similar situations!
All I know is that I am really, truly in love, I’m so sure of that, all I want is to get that back! I hope he means what he tells me! I hope he loves me too!
HI, I have been in a relationship with my man for 2 years, and he has been open with me the whole time about being bisexual. i have always been and always will be supporitive of him, as I love him whole heartedly. I understand that this is a bisexual site and as i said I’m not against bisexuality eat all. but i did my dabbling with other women while i was young and realised it wasn’t for me. however reading all of these posts has left me asking myself a question. I have accepted the fact that my man likes men and women, i have been supportive and even watch bi-pornn and help with role play, which is fun. So why do I still feel like I’m not enough for him. He tells me he loves me, and I am the only one in the world that makes him happy. But can I truly enough???
Hi HALP!
Different people have different definitions of relationships, if those are yours and those are your terms and he’s happy with them then you guys have every chance of being happy. He says he doesn’t want a man right now… Great! Sounds like you are very compatible. As to whether you can believe him? – I can’t answer that, I don’t know him.
That’s a question only you can answer for yourself.
Bitheway
Hi Mumma
Can you truly be enough?
Short Answer: YES!
Let go of your own insecurities. Your man loves you.
My boyfriend and i had been going out for almost three months when he told me that he wants to tell me something about him that i should know and he wants to be completely honest. He wanted to be honest from the beginning but he was afraid that he was going to loose me and he really wanted me. Anyways he told me that hes bisexual and hes been with a guy once. I was really upset at first but he was so sweet and honest.. he told me that he prefers women and he is in love with me and he has decided that he wants to be with me forever. And that might be just a phase that will go away… so i trusted him and i loved him more because ive never been with someone who was that honest… there is nothing hidden between us and we care deeply about eachother… then three months later he surprised me by telling me that i have made him straight and he doesnt know how i did it but there is no one else in this world who he would rather be with but me =] it was the most beautiful thing and i can trust him with all my heart!! so my advice for anyone whose boyfriends/husbands tell them that they are bisexual… accept them as they are… i know its difficult but its not they dont love you its not like they would leave you for someone else… they just have the tendency to fall for the person of any sex just like a women has the tendency to fall for a man… they could love anyone but be happy that chose you!! so respect them love them and it will all be okay!
My boyfriend told me he was bi-sexual last week. At first I was confused and hurt but after talking about it and listening to him I accepted what he had told me. I love him and he has always told me that he wants a future with me (marriage and kids). However, a couple days later we talked again and he told me that he had been depressed for a couple weeks and had to “find himself” and couldn’t be with me anymore. Again we talked for several hours and I told him that I will be there for him, support him, love him anything he needs to get through his “confusion”. He decided that he did want to be with me and not throw away what we have – until this afternoon when he told me he can’t “fake” it anymore and broke up with me. He says in order to commit to me and have a future with me he needs to go through this alone but at the same time doesn’t expect me to wait for him (his words not mine). He has previously been in a 5 year relationship with a woman and they were engaged. He has not been with a man for over 2 years. He is 31 years old but now feels that he has never quite dealt with his bisexuality. I understand that but I don’t understand why he is pushing me away when I told him I will be there for him no matter what. Please, any insight into what he may be going through to help me better understand him would be helpful.
I wish I could say something comforting, or offer some deep meaningful insight, but I can’t. There is no ‘model’ bisexual, no single pattern of behaviour or emotion, and to be honest I don’t understand why he’s pushing you away either.
My partner came out last night and did exactly down to a tee what is in Case A.
Said he loves me and that it doesn’t change anything about our relationship, but he is aroused by ‘Bisexual Porn’ and the thought of giving another man head.
He is a VERY masculine and I am finding it really hard to get my head around it, in no way would I have ever thought this was a possibility and it took two years of deleting history and me noticing searches like ‘big cocks’ online to come out.
It is hurting me so much that it almost feels like he’s cheated, but I know it’s not his fault. I really don’t know what to do, but I am finding it hard to be affectionate and look at him the way I did before he told me.
I don’t know what to do to be able to accept it, I am crying a lot.
He also told me that he has felt like this for 11 years and has never been able to tell somebody, and when he was a teenager he had sex with an older male and loved it.
I feel like the person I loved doesn’t exist. I really don’t know what to do.
He even admitted he is scared that it’s a possibility that his liking to giving head to another man may lead to changing his sexual preference.
I am so heart broken and scared. We were trying to concieve for a baby and now I don’t think we should any more. Please help me.
Dear KillsMe
OK I singularly lost all sympathy for you based on the main thrust of your comment: “I really don’t know what to do, but I am finding it hard to be affectionate and look at him the way I did before he told me”.
YOU ARE BIPHOBIC/HOMOPHOBIC. Fact! That’s your problem, its fine for you to find guys sexually attractive, but when a guy does you suddenly can’t feel attracted to him. He still have the same physical appearance and same qualities he always had. He hasn’t really changed, its just your perception of him that’s changed. Do you not see your basic double-standard? YOU ARE BIPHOBIC/HOMOPHOBIC.
Do I think you should try and conceive a baby? Fuck no! I think he should dump you! He can do better.
This is not a blog for girlfriends to come and wine about unattractive they find bisexual men. This is blog written to widen understanding about bisexuality, raise it profile and support people who are discovering their bisexuality. You are in the wrong place.
Where to begin: my bf of almost a year and I broke up several months ago, but remained extremely close. We broke up because, although we were more or less in an open relationship, I wanted more commitment from the relationship then he thought he could give. I wasn’t wanting him to give up other people, I was just wanting him to be more future-oriented with me – if that makes sense. I’ve never looked at his need for outside stimulation as a result of something I’m lacking. To me, it’s something he needs for himself.
Fast forward to this weekend, where he revealed that he likes to go, maybe once or twice a year, to a sex club in a city in another state. It started about 10 years ago with just girls, but there’s also been experimentation with guys that he enjoys. He’s asked me if this would be something I would consider doing with him, and to be honest, I think I’m open to that. I’m not really bi-curious, but the idea of MFM is appealing – but does that really happen that often with men who are bi or bi-curious? I read earlier in this thread that it can emasculate a man to have his woman watch him with another guy. My ex is VERY dominant and very masculine with a high-powered, very testosterone-filled job. I want him to retain all his power. I don’t want to do anything to take that away from him because I find it very attractive. I also worry about the clubs he attends. He does tend to have a reckless streak. I don’t know if that’s part of the appeal of the club scene, or if I could possibly steer him more toward a swinger lifestyle. So I guess my questions are this:
1. How do I support him without taking away his power? How can I show him that this is okay, and that my feeling for him have not changed, and that he’s still as desirable today as he always was? I know during our conversation that he was concerned that I would no longer be attracted to him. If possible I’m even MORE attracted to him because of all the trust he has placed in me.
2. How can I steer him in more of a careful direction? Or should I even try? I am fairly certain it’s the thrill of the moment, that he doesn’t necessarily seek out men when attending the clubs, but that if it happens it happens. But I know him well enough to know that he can be self-destructive and I want to protect him if possible.
I feel like a lot has been dumped in my lap with this revelation, and I’m the only one he has EVER told, so I want it to be as positive as possible for both him AND me. This is all very new to me though, so I just don’t know where to begin. And also, would he be considered bi-sexual, bi-curious, or something entirely different? His brother is a completely “out” gay man who is married with two kids – so he’s comfortable/familiar with that lifestyle. I don’t think he has any interest in men outside the club, and said he wouldn’t even want to attend a club outside this particular city, but he definitely DOES find men sexually appealing.
First of all it sounds like your boyfriend’s bi-curiosity is only a small part of his sexuality. Its important not to dwell too much on one small aspect of his sexual desire, it sounds like a bit of hedonism, excitement and swinging is big a chunk of your boyfriends sexual turn-ons. But to answer your questions:
(1) Not all men feel emasculated by sharing a guy-on-guy experience with a woman. It depends on the guy and the exact nature of sexual experience. For example to receive head or be the giver rather than taker in a full on sex encounter still leaves a man in the traditional dominant position. And even if you role reverse this scenario, someone who has high levels of self-confidence is still unlikely to feel emasculated.
(2) That’s something that a stranger really cannot answer. Though what are your fears exactly? What are you trying to protect him from?
And finally how to label him, that’s up to him to choose really. Labels are helpful for people to choose so they don’t feel alone, but that way the choice to adopt the label really has to be theirs, if we go labelling people, you start making assumptions about what they are like based on the definition of the label, rather than based on what they are really like.
My boyfriend & I have been together for 5 years now. I found out that he was bi over two years ago & we talked about it, he told me he has only been with 3 males & that it was just oral sex or playing with the other & that having a male friend who he could do things with is what he liked the most.
Just recently I found out that it was much more then that. He lived with 2 of the 3 males he had been with, there was anal sex (him being the bottom), & that he had even told one that he loved him. He also had an ad on a website & even had two others that I can acount for.
None of this information came from my boyfriend , but rather from one of his ex’s.
I am hurt that my boyfriend has lied to me about all of this. He also lied about the fact of why he thought he was bi. As he tells it he could “never get the girl” & men always gave him the time of day, so that is why he thought he should be with men. As I have found out he never had any trouble getting males or females for that matter.
His ex calls him a “true bi-sexual”.
The trust factor has been beat up a bit with all this new information. I did question my boyfriend , but he stuck to his story so I do not know who or what to believe anymore.
I love him very much , we have a child together & as far as I know he has never cheated on me. He doesn’t get online at all & is always with me.
Any advice would be most helpful. I want to trust him again , but have been burned before by him lying to me. Is he bi or just using it as an excuess to just have anyone in his life as he hates to be alone?
It never ceases to amaze me how insecure some people can be. Your boyfriend tells you one story and his ex-boyfriend tells you a slightly different one. You instantly believe his ex-boyfriend. A person who arguably has a vested interest in splitting you up! Why would you believe him over your boyfriend? Has your boyfriend ever lied to you? Has he given you any reason to believe he isn’t telling you the truth?
But lets run down your little path a bit further. Lets assume your boyfriend hasn’t been entirely honest with you about his previous sexual encounters, lets assume he loved receiving anal sex and was in love with his ex-boyfriend. What the fuck is so wrong about that? Why does this affect your relationship with him? By your own admission, he’s never been unfaithful and is quite happy in his relationship with you.
Maybe he underplayed his previous homosexual experiences because he didn’t want you to think he was a ‘sissy’. Who knows? Who cares? It has precisely ZERO bearing on your current relationship with him.
Bisexuality means you are attracted to *either* gender, it doesn’t mean you need to have a guy and a girl on the go at the same time. So put your insecurities to bed and really think about whether a) you have any reason to distrust your boyfriend and b) if he lied, what his likely motivation was and whether is really matters to current relationship. You should conclude that you are worrying about a non-problem.
Thanks for his article. I love my boyfriend very much and I am the only person he has told excepting the fellow he first was friends with. I love him all the more for telling me. I accept this is how he is and I know its not just going away. We are in a committed relationship heading to marriage and I feel like this is hard to know what to do and how to react with my christian beliefs. I expect fidelity and don’t know if that is realistic now. Thanks for helpful info.
I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and hes been bi sexual his whole life.. and we’ve always known.
We are truly are in love with each other and we are extremely young to even start this long term relationship, but we dont want to give up .. Im super confused on weather or not to just leave him and start as friends (if thats even possible) or to stay positive and not always have this confusion about his sexuality, He feels its coming up more often in his thoughts , he never acts on it though .. he feels like he does not want to hurt me or leave me for that matter.
I dont know if were both being selfish and just waiting for a disaster to happen.. I have absolutely have no one to talk to about this and knowing there are more relationships like mine makes me feel more relieved and that I have more hope that he is the love of my life and we can be together.
I know we started this relationship WAY to young knowing that we started to date when we where in high school , so i feel that myself and him havent really had a chance to be with other people, or sexually experimented.. SO this makes me think about him wanting to do things he didn’t get to do ? Im not to sure what he REALLY wants and im sure he really does not want to hurt me saying he wants to be with men but then keeping me in his life.. everything just seems so unfair to me and I cant stand this, But as corny as this sounds I want to be with him for the rest of my life, I’ve put everything including my whole self into this relationship and NOW we have problems about his sexuality when I had thought everything was fine the way it was.
I never make him feel uncomfortable but I do admit I can’t handle having conversations about his sexuality and it makes me feel really rude, or its my fault that he cant talk to me about his feelings.
I just want to know how to deal with this, without just deciding we shouldn’t be together or just quit on trying and then feel like I’ve wasted 3 years of my life with this person and then just for him to be with men.. I’ve always thought about not being together and just “working on us” And become not so dependant on one another but where would that lead to? would he just decide hes fully gay? or just needs a break to figure out what he really wants .. I just feel like every choice we do make is selfish towards both of us and our feelings.
We just want to know what to do .. Im super confused this is my first real long term relationship we both just turned 20 years old and im in school full time hes working full time. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with are relationship Im happy hes happy but there’s just something missing .. and It’s about his sexuality.
I want to be with him and I want him to be himself and not to feel trapped & he wants to be with me but if this is going to be a problem for life long and we have no way of solving this .. what do we do ? how do we work with it? I do not want an open relationship neither does he. We both have excellent communication skills I can talk to him about anything, we know each other front to back and I’m sure he knows me more then I know myself.
Help me please as you can see im repeating myself with confusion. I just would like some advice on what we should do or work on ?
Girls let me be clear, I’ve never come across an ‘out’ bi-guy who genuinely represses himself to be with a woman. Either we are cool with a monogamous relationship with a woman, or we go out and cheat. You never cause us to self-repress. So he will never feel ‘trapped’ with you.
Female paranoia about this non-entity is however a major cause of relationship problems. Unless your boyfriend has a history of cheating you can generally assume he will be faithful when he says he’s happy in a monogamous relationship. We men generally say what we mean, we are refreshingly simple creatures. You don’t need to double-think our motives.
So my best advice to you Tisha is to put all of this to the back of your mind because its all a non-issue, just enjoy the seemingly very healthy relationship you have with your boyfriend for what it is. I can’t promise you it will last forever, but its lasted 3 years why not longer? The main reason it won’t is your fear. We tend to make our thoughts our reality. So your fear is the most destructive force in your relationship. Try to focus on the positive, the things that give you confidence, the reasons you love your boyfriend, the reasons he makes you feel safe and loved. This is where your mutual future lies.
Which Christian beliefs do you hold most dear? The doctrine of love-thy-neighbour, or the doctrines that call homosexuality an abomination?
I’d remind you that the bits about loving thy neighbour and showing compassion and love for others are accompanied by teachings like ‘turn the other cheek’ and ‘judge not lest you be judged’. Whereas the prohibitions on homosexuality are accompanied by instructions for genocide and how to sell your daughter into slavery.
Both aspects of Christian belief cannot be right. They are mutually exclusive. You have to choose which side you value most. Once you do I’m sure that as a person with a good heart you will have no problem accepting your boyfriend in spite of your religion.
Hi,
I just want to ask a couple of things… I have a boyfriend who is a bi-sexual. Our relationship was like a whirlwind, on and off, in a span of one year, we broke up twice.
He is the silent type kind of person and i on the other hand is the chatterbox. Were like different poles. We started as best of friends, and we’ve known each other almost 15 years. I love him so much, but sometimes i wonder, is it worth all the pain. He doesn’t reply to my messages, he doesn’t even say i love you, and sometimes he gives me freezing cold treatment. I am the only one who knew what he really was, but his sister already had an idea, they just couldn’t confront him… until one day, when i stormed out of their house and because he was giving me the cold treatment again, his sister came after me and asked if we could talk. Well, to shorten it, i told her that her brother is a bi-sexual…i didn’t mean to give him away just because i was mad, or something, its because i was the only one who knew and he on the other hand could tell his friends what he was. I was like a his wall, with ears, eyes, but without lips. I told him before that his family will the only one who will understand him and accept him for what he was, besides from me. I know i broke my promise not to tell anyone, and i lost his trust. And then one day, he said out of the blue that he wants to marry me. I said, then prove it. I’ve been slashed and burned. I love him so much, but sometimes, i think its too much. I can only take too much. Do you think, its time for me to give uo and move on? He told me once, that he don’t want to lose his family, me and his friends… and i also told him… sometimes he needs to show it or even say it to those people. Am i just waiting for nothing.. Should i give up? He also have this “friend” whom he always talk to, send messages to. And he did things for that friend that he never did for me. He exerted a lot of effort just to be with that person. Or to be close to his family and friends. I don’t to pity myself. I know i deserve more than this. I love him more than anything. That i left my comfort zone just to be with him. Did a couple of crazy things just for him. I guess, i just love him so much, that why till now, i’m still thinking… is it worth the wait?
Can anyone please help me? Thank you so much.
Hi AJ
I’m reading your post and I’m left asking myself. What has this got to do with your boyfriend’s bisexuality? From what you’ve described it sounds like you just have a boyfriend who is a bit moody. Is it time to give up and move on? Is it right to stay? I don’t know, I have to resist the urge become an agony aunt and just say that this is really something that you need to figure out for yourself.
Bitheway