Jun 19 2008
How Gay are you feeling today?
How gay are you feeling today? Odd question to ask I suppose, but as a bisexual guy, I often find myself having “gay days”. Periods when I am almost exclusively attracted to men, when my fantasies are almost exclusively homosexual and I seem to be completely ignoring women. Then bang! I spot a girl I like and I’m back to hetero mode.
Mostly though I find I have a roughly 1 in 10 mix. That is to say that for every 10 people I find myself attracted to, nine of them are women and one of them is a guy. So these “gay days” are a source of some bemusement, I guess because of their statistical improbability as much as anything. However, I think it illustrates a point that a lot of bisexuals have been making, namely that sexuality and sexual attraction is a continuum rather than a constant. That our sexuality is more fluid than we may think.
I’ll admit I’m yo-yo-ing a bit at the moment and it’ll be somewhat less confusing when things settle down or at least when I learn to stop worrying about it. That’s probably the crux of it, to relax, sit back and say: “I’m attracted to him, him, her and him.” and not really worry about what gender has to do with it.
Until then though I guess the hormones will keep firing in all directions.
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i certainly share this experience with you, im mostly gay, but every now and then ill like a female, so i feel my sexuality is fluid and shifty. i dont really like the classification bisexual, i prefer queer to represent the shiftiness as well as openess to third gendered people.
I’ve never liked the word fluid, though I used it in this article, I think I once joked it made me sound like an Amoeba, but it does fit rather well to describe the changes we can experience in our degrees of sexual attraction.
Shifty is a word I think I’ll avoid though, makes you sound a little fidgety or untrustworthy.
Still thanks for your comment.
I’m not a big fan of the word “fluid” either; at least, not to describe myself. I find myself constantly at a 50/50. That said, if someone else tells me their attraction is fluid, I can’t very well argue with them.
I think “fluid” is generally used to describe the variability of orientation among humans in general, not necessarily to describe one person’s orientation.
Personally, if I see a hottie in the morning, chances are I’ll be observing others of their sex the rest of the day, like setting the “default” for the day. But overall I’d say 50/50 as well.
Funny how you have “gay days.” I recognize it in myself. I am a married guy with older children. My best buddy is a married guy with children. We worked together for a long time and always hung around with each other. Nothing of note ever happened. I recently told him that I have for years had fantasies about having sex with him. He got all flustered but not angry. We lunch together monthly and I flirt with him. Kiss his neck. Pat his buns, etc. He still goes to lunch with me. As the date approaches, I have total fantasies about taking his clothes off and kissing his body. I have recently gotten more aggressive with him before,during & after lunch. Here is my dilema. I don’t think that he is turned off by my advances but I don’t know how far to push it.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks
Tom
Hi Tom,
It sounds like your friend could be interested and he’s just not sure how to deal with it. Which is quite common. Either that or he’s not interested, but values your friendship more than he is put off by your flirting.
Before I accepted my bisexuality I had a friend who was totally in love with me, truth be told I wasn’t really interested in him sexually but I did love him like a brother. Whilst his advances didn’t really bother me, I think I mostly ignored them or filtered them out - which probably really hurt his feelings - I still had no idea how to talk to him about his feelings for me.
But anyway, your friend sounds like a good mate, these subjects are difficult to broach without making things awkward, but if you can find a way to talk about it in a relaxed and casual manner then you might make some progress one way or the other. A few drinks to loosen the inhibitions might help lubricate the conversation.
Thanks for your response. We generally split a bottle of wine at lunch and are a bit mellow at the end. I am thinking about broaching the subject of privacy at this luncheon. Going to suggest that we get a room at a hotel and order in room service. I will bring the wine. We generally spend a good part at lunch talking about our old girlfriends in explicit terms and have to stop when the waitress comes over to pour the wine. I know that his attennae will be up but do you think that I could loose him if I push the hotel room?
Any advice would be welcomed.
Given what you’ve said in the comments on another topic here, I’d say your friend is open to the idea of exploring his bisexuality with you, subject to you being discrete.
In your position, I’d try to find an excuse to invite him for a weekend away, a work conference, go fishing anything that combines an interest you share and gives you an excuse to share a hotel room and a few drinks.
Its non-threatening, its not “all about the sex”, you can even book a twin room so he has deniability to everyone including the hotel staff.
Go out for a meal, mellow out, flirt by all means as usual, then get in back to the hotel room, and take things from there.
PS: Please read my other comment over on this thread:
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2008/04/13/permission-to-lust/#comment-165
[...] officially on a “straight streak”. I guess this contrasts nicely with the “Gay Days“, I’ve described previously. Its kind of weird going through a period like this where [...]