Bi The Way

So you suspect your boyfriend or husband is bisexual, but your not certain? You suspect he might like guys, but what are the signs and how can you tell? After all bisexual and bi-curious men don’t wear badges, we don’t have a dress code, and we are notoriously closeted. So how do you know if your boyfriend is bisexual?

You could trawl through his computer looking for gay porn, or check his credit card for membership of swingers sites, hire a private detective to follow him when he takes the dog out for a walk. Perhaps even have a look under his mattress for stashed copies of Gay Times.

But by far the simplest solution is just come right out and ask him, though before you do I’d recommend you read my earlier post on How to talk to your bisexual boyfriend.

A lot of women wrongly assume that just because their boyfriend is bisexual that this means the end of their relationship. It doesn’t or at least it shouldn’t. Very few guys who come out as bisexual want to leave their girlfriends, and not all of them want to start dating men on the side.

If you are going to ask him, then its got to phrased with genuine interest and support, don’t challenge him. Just ask him gently and make it clear that you’ll be supportive whatever his reply. If you are not capable of being supportive, then you don’t deserve an honest answer.

Obviously his answer may have repercussions for your relationship, but its just as likely that it won’t. A lot of bisexuals are monogamous and contrary to popular believe we won’t freak out just because we’re in a committed relationship with a woman and can’t get any cock. We’re rational normal people and invariably all we look for is a loving partner who we can share our life with.

Our bisexuality shouldn’t matter, but clearly you want to know and I guess where it impacts you, you have a right to know, but the only real honest to god sure fire way to find out if someone is bisexual is to ask them – nobody lies when they say ‘yes’.

The alternating bisexual is a rare breed, or so it seems, as I’ve come across very few, certainly amongst men. For the uninitiated, the alternating bisexual is the person who has the capacity to fall in love with either men or women, but chooses only one partner at a time and is usually monogamous.

One relationship might be heterosexual,  and then after that relationship ends, the next relationship might be homosexual, after that ends they may revert to a straight relationship. Though in theory the alternating bisexual can settle down with a partner for life and no-one would ever know they were bisexual, they’d just assume they were straight or gay depending on their current choice of partner (though that could also be said of a lot of bisexuals who tend not to flaunt secondary partners).

I would generally describe myself as an alternating bisexual, mostly because I wouldn’t want my partner to be sleeping with other people and consequently I would do them the same courtesy. I just don’t get the need for multiple partners, one at a time is enough work! An just to dispel another bisexual myth, I don’t have a burning desire for sex with a guy AND sex with a woman. I just have a burning desire for sex. LOL!

No seriously, my sex drive is pretty moderate, it revolves around love making rather than just getting off. Hell I can do that myself! I don’t need a penis or a vagina to make me happy. I fall in love with the person, not what does or doesn’t dangle between their legs.

Why post about this? Well, frankly I’m pissed off that just because I say I’m bisexual, people assume I’m incapable of entering into a loving monogamous relationship. I think its partly because I’m a guy and it’s assumed we want to play the field anyway, so if you are bisexual, then its somehow assumed that you want to play the field with both genders. Worse its assumed that you’ll never be satisfied having sex with just one woman and that you’ll always desire a man, or vice versa.

Well I kinda desire a man at the moment because I’m pissed off with women. But it would be wrong of me to judge the entire female gender on the basis of my recent experiences with woman and their reaction to my bisexuality. So I’m still technically keeping my options open. And as I’m predominantly attracted to women, the odds are still stacked in favour of my next relationship being heterosexual.

So if there are any sexy, well-adjusted men out there get your bids in quick. *grin* I don’t plan to be available for long.

So you’ve just found out your boyfriend is bisexual. Now what?

Well that really depends on the matter you discovered his bisexuality. If he came out to candidly he probably needs a hug and a bit of moral support. If you caught him in bed with another guy (or a girl if you’re coming at this from the gay angle), then you probably are well within your rights to throw that Ming vase at him, call him every name under the sun and lock yourself in the bathroom crying.

Still whatever the circumstances, remember this, your boyfriend’s bisexuality is not a reflection on you. Its not caused by something you have or haven’t done, its not something you could have prevented. Its not your fault. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all, its just the way he is. He can’t help being bisexual, and believe me at some point, most of us have tried not to be.

CASE A: Your boyfriend just came out to you as bisexual

So how do you talk to bisexual boyfriend after this bombshell?

First know that he still loves you, he probably told you this in his coming out speech, if he didn’t, he meant to. The last thing he wanted to do was make you feel inadequate, he was just trying to be honest about his feelings and you were important enough to him to be the person he chose to share his secret with.

Know that he’s probably been agonising over telling you for ages, and probably tried several times and lost his nerve, frightened that you wouldn’t understand and that you’d leave him if you found out. It takes an awful lot of courage to come out as a bisexual, especially for men who find themselves already in a relationship, so its no surprise that many bisexual men don’t come out at all. Its made even harder if you or your spouse have deeply held religious convictions.

So now that you appreciate just how hard it was for your boyfriend to tell you he was bisexual, you are probably a little better equipped to deal with it and offer a supportive response. The best thing you can do right now is be accepting of his sexuality. Don’t argue with him about it, don’t call him gay (or ‘a breeder’ if you previously thought he was exclusively gay), don’t suggest its just a phase, be accepting and say something supportive. You probably have a million questions, but take a moment to make him feel good about his decision to tell you.

What does it mean for your relationship?

Well this is a question you should ask, probably after pouring each other a stiff drink. The answer is different for every couple. Your bisexual boyfriend, almost certainly won’t want things between you and him to change, but he may ask you to accept him seeing other people, which may seem like a big change for you. He won’t see it as such a big deal, because he genuinely does still love you, he just wants to sleep with people of the opposite sex to you now and again.

Equally though he may not ask anything more of you than occasionally renting a gay porno rather than a straight one, who knows perhaps you’ll enjoy watching it together? Yes there are bisexual men who don’t need relationships with both genders on the go at the same time.

The truth is each couple is different, how you deal with it and renegotiate the boundaries of your relationship is entirely unique to you and your boyfriend. But there are some basic rules you follow.

• Don’t agree to anything you are uncomfortable with.
• Listen and consider each request.
• Avoid saying “NO WAY” to something right away, offer to consider it and return with your decision.
• Keep a dialogue open and come back and discuss things further.

Any agreements you make are renegotiable. If you decide you can’t handle something you though you could deal with a few weeks ago, come back and say so. But don’t blame or resent your bisexual boyfriend for taking you at your word in the meantime.

Finally remember you are in a very special relationship. Your boyfriend loved you enough to tell you he was bisexual, he was being honest with you and being honest with himself. You share a special bond of confidence and honesty that a lot of relationships lack. This revelation is a blessing as much as a curse.

CASE B: You caught your boyfriend in bed with someone else and found out he’s bisexual

Pretty much the same as Case A, only for some reason, he didn’t have the balls to tell you. He probably wanted to, but was too scared of how you’d react. You are probably more hurt that he didn’t feel able to tell you than you are by the deception, but ten to a penny he keeping this a secret because he didn’t want to risk losing you. Now realising his mistake he’s really sorry that he’s hurt you.

Take some time, don’t talk whilst angry, but do keep channels of communication open, come back and talk about things and remember your bisexual boyfriend loves you, he always has.

How gay are you feeling today? Odd question to ask I suppose, but as a bisexual guy, I often find myself having “gay days”. Periods when I am almost exclusively attracted to men, when my fantasies are almost exclusively homosexual and I seem to be completely ignoring women. Then bang! I spot a girl I like and I’m back to hetero mode.

Mostly though I find I have a roughly 1 in 10 mix. That is to say that for every 10 people I find myself attracted to, nine of them are women and one of them is a guy. So these “gay days” are a source of some bemusement, I guess because of their statistical improbability as much as anything. However, I think it illustrates a point that a lot of bisexuals have been making, namely that sexuality and sexual attraction is a continuum rather than a constant. That our sexuality is more fluid than we may think.

I’ll admit I’m yo-yo-ing a bit at the moment and it’ll be somewhat less confusing when things settle down or at least when I learn to stop worrying about it. That’s probably the crux of it, to relax, sit back and say: “I’m attracted to him, him, her and him.” and not really worry about what gender has to do with it.

Until then though I guess the hormones will keep firing in all directions.

I mentioned in a previous article that it seems like a lot more people are coming out as bisexual. And that’s a good thing, but I realise that there are a lot of people still out there who think, that people are “choosing” to be bisexual because they think it’s cool. And that bisexuality like an infectious disease is somehow contagious.

Well it probably won’t surprise you to learn that this is not the case, bisexuality is not contagious, however I do think ‘coming out’ is. Have you ever noticed that when one person ‘comes out’, someone else they know often follows? And another and another? Of course the conservative US evangelists like to blame the first person (and the media’s tolerance of LGBT people) for corrupting the others. But
the truth is everyone who came out was always Bi. They just got the confidence to do so from seeing someone else do it.

That’s quite a positive endorsement of society and I’m rather pleased to be able to write something upbeat about bisexual tolerance. Still for me the battle grounds for bisexual recognition have never really been with Joe public, but instead with the media for their regular hazing of bisexuals and with Stonewall who whilst claiming to represent us, constantly and wilfully ignore us.

Have you noticed that in some circles, bisexual intolerance has passed into a new phase? Its called “bisexual apathy”, it manifests itself as mock indifference towards someone’s sexuality, bred by columnists who declare with a tone of disinterest: “but everyone is bisexual these days!” The undertone is of course that bisexuality isn’t a real sexual orientation, just a cool new label, ‘bisexual chic’ is back.

Its designed to undermine bisexuals, to dismiss us, to punish us for being bold enough to declare a sexuality that no-body wants to admit exists because it doesn’t fit nicely in societies neat boxes.

With more and more people coming out, the new assault on bisexuality is to ignore it. This was highlighted in a recent report by Stonewall on discrimination in public services. The executive summary alone mentioned the words “gay and lesbian” over 50 times yet mentioned bisexual just once. Yet this is an organisation which is supposed to promote lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights.

OK – announce you are straight and that too is met with casual indifference, but bisexuality now (where its not met with revulsion and fear) seems to be met with ‘mock’ indifference. There’s a distinction, least of all because straight people are not still struggling for equal treatment and especially when bisexuality is constantly derided as a phase or a fashion statement by the media or seemingly wholly ignored by lobby groups like Stonewall.

Many bisexuals have come out from very dark places, suffering intensely from guilt, self doubt and low self-esteem, the last thing they need is to be treated with indifference or wilfully ignored. Would it be that hard to show a little love?

From 6 June until 17 June I’m away on a hiking holiday. I’m off to the Knoydart Peninsula in remote western Scotland where I hope to get away from the rat race for a few days, then its on to Fort William where I hope to spend a couple of days relaxing before climbing Ben Nevis.

I’ve scheduled a couple of posts to be published whilst I’m away, but obviously I won’t be publishing as frequently as usual for a couple of weeks. Anyway, please don’t think I’ve abandoned the Blog. Keep reading and check back regularly.

See you in a couple of weeks.

I’ve previously commented on how children are often denied access to information about homosexuality and bisexuality. This is particularly true in the US and to a lesser extend in the UK where homophobic bullying still blights our schools.

Still I was informed that in Norway they have a more enlightened approach. Apparently, Skeiv Ungdom, a Norwegian gay and lesbian support group had a video produced to promote their telephone support line to gay and lesbian teenagers. A quick search for “Skeiv Ungdom” on YouTube and I found the video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoSchpHLgvA

I think its a great video. I really think something like this ought to be aired in Britain. It really sends out a positive message about homosexuality and also emphasises that things aren’t always what they seem. Which will certainly speak to a lot of bisexuals.

I should also point out that the entire crew worked for free to produce this 60 second short, so good on them for showing support. Enjoy…