May 22 2008
Bi Invisibility
Do you know any other men who are bisexual?
Chances are you don’t. But why not?
A US survey in the 1990’s put the incidence of male bisexuality at 1.8%. That’s almost 1 in 50 and most of us know more than 50 people. So how come bisexuals are so invisible?
Well to kick off with there’s the presumption that people are either straight or gay. People rarely pause to consider that someone might be bisexual. When I’m seen with a girlfriend, people assume I’m straight, when I’m seen with a boyfriend people assume I’m gay. It doesn’t occur to a casual observer that there is another sexuality somewhere in between.
And if someone is seen to be dating both guys and girls, then the presumption switches to “he’s going through a phase”. Straight people normally assume that phase is experimentation, Gay people tend to assume that phase is a stage in the persons progression towards being an out and proud homosexual.
The occasional celebrity comes out as bisexual, Angelina Jolie, Billy Joe Armstrong, Billie Piper and they are accused of being “bisexual chic” - Not true bisexuals, just pretending for the sake of headlines and publicity. Like bisexuality is a fashion statement. Come-on if bisexuality was that fashionable, everyone would want one, and yet I’m still single.
Other celebrities (mostly men) get caught - they’re filmed or grassed up for having a “gay fling” behind their wife’s back. Remember Liberal Democrat MP Mark Oaten? Yep a rent-boy squealed on him and the Tabloids called him “Gay” - but he’s married and wanted to stay with his wife. He’s not Gay - he’s Bi! It seems that even when one of number does something treacherous like cheats on his wife, the media still treats us like we’re not here. Still, I suppose we should be thankful for small mercies.
Though when they want to, the media can really put the boot in. Back in 2005 The New York Times launched an attack on the very existence of male bisexuality. In an article titled “Straight Gay or Lying” they reported on a study that claimed bisexual men were either straight men pretending to be bi, or gay men with no real interest in women. Its since been widely pointed that the research upon which this article was based was deeply flawed. However, I don’t believe the New York Times ever printed a retraction.
So no wonder bisexuals are invisible, no-body wants to even acknowledge our existence.
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what you just said resonates big time with my own experience. that’s something i’ve been thinking about the last few months, and frankly, it’s quite frustrating.
i like the anger that i read in between lines, because it’s a little of my own anger, and we should be angry!. on the other hand, i also think that the more i allow other people’s opinions to be part of my experience of me, the more alienated i’m from myself (does it makes sense?)
i still have trouble labeling myself as bisexual or anything else, but today i could say that i’m a bisexual man in a committed relationship to a woman. and that’s wonderful
kudos on this blog!!!!
I know a couple bi-sexual men. They often tell me that it’s more acceptable to be a bi-sexual female. That for some reason people find it sexy in woman, and repellent in men.
Great concise piece! Can you contact me re: publishing as an opinion piece in a local paper?
JReilly4261@gmail.com
Maybe Ceara is right about it being easier to be a bisexual female. I can’t say - never been a bisexual man!
But I think we need to assess ourselves from a more internal perspective than that. I’m frustrated sometimes by the guilt of wearing that heterosexual privelege, being in a relationship with a man, but short of having it tattooed on my forehead, there’s not much more I can do about that. In other words, it’s annoying to feel invisible, but any validation we might receive from external places would be too superficial to make much of a difference anyways.
Ceara
Your friends are right. It’s a lot less acceptable to be a bisexual male. Even women who are supposed to be compassionate and understanding often look down on bisexual men. Or if they are understanding, they don’t even consider anything sexual with us. To them we might as well just be gay, they aren’t interested.
I think it has something to do with a womans perception of a man being strong and dominating. So they don’t want to see their boyfriend take it up the behind from another man. It breaks their perception. I don’t know this for sure, it’s just my best guess.
Whereas women being bisexual is a different story. Women are socially considered sex symbols anyway, and women typically play the submissive role. But pop culture now has women trying to be like strong males. The whole “tough girl” thing. So it makes room for women who alternate between women and men as more acceptable. And of course guys have never had any problem with bisexual women. So it makes it even easier.
But if a guy goes and says “hey I like to suck cock,” or “stick it in another guy” or “I’d really like a good pounding” His buddies look at him funny and call him a fag. And that’s them being nice about it.
I’m not sure bisexual women even need support groups. Seems to me their support group is pretty much every other women. It just seems that acceptable these days.
I know in swingers circles bisexual woman are as good as gold. There are a lot of couples out there looking for single bisexual women. As well as women looking for other women. There is very little room for single guys, bisexual or not. They are the least acceptable.
I can only speak from my own experience, but I think the reason bisexuality is under-reported (as it surely is) by men is that the label itself is hard to accept, a lot harder than gay or straight. I know that I personally struggled for many years to try and fit one or the other category, without really accepting the validity of the “bisexual” label. I’m very rarely attracted to men and women at the same time. I *do* go through phases, but not in the “bi now, gay later” way that people tend to mean it. If someone had surveyed me in 2001, for instance, I would have said I was straight–I was all about the ladies around that time. If the survey reached me in 2003, I probably would have said gay. Since I tend to go for one sex or the other for really long periods of time, it took me until my late 20s to really warm up to the bisexual label. I’m not sure if this is typical, but it does highlight the difficulty of coming to terms with being neither and both at the same time.
Personally, I think everyone goes through sexual phases. No one is attracted to the same type of man/woman their entire lives, so I don’t see why it shouldn’t be accepted that there are people who aren’t attracted to the same sex their entire lives.
“Come-on if bisexuality was that fashionable, everyone would want one, and yet I’m still single.”- actually made me laugh out loud, I have to second that. I have heard bisexuality referred to as a fad yet I really do not see it as so.