Apr 13 2008
Permission to Lust
I guess like many bisexual men, there were many years for which I denied my sexuality. I first became aware I might be bisexual in my mid-20′s, I’d see pictures of guys in magazines and on web sites and I’d find myself becoming aroused. These pictures were usually of fully clothed men or occasionally ribbed guys modelling underwear, but they were never pornographic. Still I found them sexy, in the same way as I found shots of hot women in these same magazines sexy. Undeniably, these photos of men turned me on. I responded to them in them in same way I responded to similar photos of women.
For several years I’d beat myself up about it, I’d feel ashamed and I buried these feelings in the basement of my emotional house of cards. But the feelings wouldn’t go away. Just when I thought I’d put these feelings to bed for good – BANG! They’d come right back and hit me all over again.
There was no more poignant reminder than when I was coming through Schipol Airport back in 2004. I’d just enjoyed a weekend in Amsterdam with my Dutch girlfriend, and having just spent the last 72 hours demonstrating my heterosexuality, I walk through the departures lounge in the airport and there’s this tall handsome guy with long beautiful hair – who I simply can’t take my eyes off. He’s with his girlfriend, but I barely notice her, all I see is him.
“What the hell is wrong with me?”
At the time I put the Schipol incident behind me. In fact it took me another 3 years to realise these feelings weren’t going away and I also realised that I wasn’t so much ashamed of myself, but embarrassed and fearful of what my friends and family might think of me if they realised I fancied guys as well as girls.
I began to accept that I was bi curious, but I kept it to myself, and privately I knew I was more than curious. But in this time I did one important thing: I gave myself permission to lust. I promised myself I would no longer beat myself up for fancying guys. That I’d let my fantasies take me where-ever they wanted, that I wouldn’t feel guilty for who I was or the way I felt. For me this was the first step in paving the way for me to come-out. And it made me a lot happier.
*Update*
In the past two months since coming out – I’ve really given myself “Permission to Lust” – that is to say, permission to allow myself to be attracted to men. I’ve really gotten over that psychological barrier that leaves you guilt ridden for fantasising about men or even taking a second look at a good looking guy in the street.
Its about self-acceptance.
If you’d asked me a year ago, I might have admitted I was bi-curious, but equally at that time had I been alone and intimate with a guy I’d have probably ran a mile if he’d so much as dropped his shorts. One year on and provided we’re talking about a good looking guy (yes I’m shallow – sue me!) I’m confident that I’ll dive right in and have my mouth around his cock faster than you can say “you queer bastard.”
I’m over the guilt – all I need is the man I can connect with, emotionally, intellectually and sexually. Right now, that looks like the bigger ask!
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14 Responses to “Permission to Lust”
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quite the same story here, but it was not with pictures but with a class-mate coming out naked from the shower after sports. i was about 17 at that time. am 47 now – outed myself with about 45….
so there you go – it can take that long
best – matthias
Me, I was about 15 and trying to go to sleep next to my best friend. It just sorta hit me that I wanted to screw him. From that point, I started noticing guys a whole lot more. That was the start of my first long stretch of “gay”. I still remember how excited/depressed I was when, about a year later, I fell in love with a girl. I really wanted to pick a team…
Dude you are not alone…………..Just think of how much more fun it would be if you were marriend and have kids, like me! I’m getting close to 44 so don’t get too cut up over it.
Our day will come……….
Best,
TB
Good to read that I am not alone. I have had fantasies about guys for years. I confided in my best buddy that I had sexual fantasies about him and wanted to discover what sex with a guy was like( mentioned oral sex explicitly.) He demurred but I meet him monthly for lunch and I have been escalating my attention. First a kiss on the neck then squeezing his buns ( He has a gorgeous ass.) He accepts the fondling without pulling away but tells me to behave myself or people will notice. The boldest thing I have done yet was in the mens room. We were standing side by side & I had an erection. I sidled over behind him and reached around and put my hand around his penis. I started to rub & squeeze it telling him how big he was. Typical guy talk. He never moved away but said that they probably had hidden cameras & we would be arrested. We zipped up and left. He never complained about the fondling but said I was getting to excited and should relax a bit!!! I kissed him goodbye at the train & I swear that he would have let me continue if we had a private place.
I am meeting him for lunch again next week and plan to broach the subject of having some privacy at our next luncheon and get a room & order Room service. We generally split a bottle of wine at lunch and I can bring a bottle or two to the room. Do you think that he might be sharing the same fantasy? Am I pushing too hard. Please help me out.
Thank you,
Tom
Tom
It sounds like he’s very open to the idea, of slipping between the sheets with you, subject to your liaisons being private. But trust me, no guy who lets you fondle his cock is entirely straight. So I’d say you are ‘well in’ there.
If you decide to get a room, make it a twin, then he can feel like he’s keeping it private even from the hotel staff.
Take things slow and respect his preference not to be too overt in public.
I can’t tell you how fantastic it is to talk to someone who understands what I am about. I have not had anyone to discuss this with before you. What a relief.
I have been the aggressor in this relationship. He is a slim guy who stays in shape. I am a bear like guy who is not in great shape. When I first hugged him, he hugged back very forcefully. His head wound up on my shoulder & I decided to kiss him. He responded like any woman that I have kissed in my life. Except my first two girlfriends who were saving themselves for Christ.
He always wears the same pants when we meet. They accentuate his gorgeous ass and hug his basket. Nice presentation. When we were in the bathroom, I still had an erection that was outside my pants and pressing against his lower back while I fondled his cock. He had to feel it. Never said a word to me. I have always felt that he was enjoying the stroking. He never got hard but it did spasm a few times. I will tell you in honesty that , except for my early teen days when everyone was experimenting with each other, that his was the first cock I touched in my entire adult life. I loved the feeling I got from him as I stroked and talked to him. It was a phenominal feeling.
I am very long- winded but have been so excited about this relationship. Would you mind very much listening to me after our lunch next week. I will take your advice to proceed discretely, no matter how much I want him.
Nite,
Tom
Hi Tom
I’m all out to listen, and really happy to keep chatting with you, but also you should consider joining this forum: http://www.shybi-guys.com/forum/
There are dozens of guys just like you and I who regularly post there, they’ll give you tones of feedback.
If you’re not up to that, well like I said, I’m always here.
yer, nearly the same story here but i’m 17 at the moment which is quite young compared to you guys (no offence) . I think its the same with everyone. They realise that they are looking at guys on the side of girls. For me i know it was very hard to accept this and its still a little bit. Took about 2-3 years where i was just constantly saying to myself i’m straight i’m straight when deep down inside i knew that i wasn’t and i still tried to fight it.
Advice for anyone that is going through that stage is accept it and move on. It’ll get off your mind and everythings will be much easier
Also, i was wondering if its easier to come out when your older than when your a teen. As i teen i fully know it quite nearly impossible to come out in high school. People are just plain nasty about it and you end up being made fun of behind your back. Hasn’t happen to me but my best mate who came out as gay copped alot of shit about it for a while behind his back and being his best friend i heard alot of it and got some of it too. Eg being threatened with being beaten up and stabbed. Seriously. But anyway yer.
Hi There: My husband came out and told me that he is bi. We have talked about it and I have asked him questions. I was wondering if there are some people that could answer my question. “Does the sex life change between a husband and wife?
Hi Irene
The short answer to your question is: “Only if you let it.”
If you still love each other, then it doesn’t have to change one bit.
David
nice to hear I’m not the only one. Whilst I don’t agree with some of the comments – fidelity is fidelity after all, I do agree with being able to express yourself. I wish I was in the situation rather than the relationship where I could freely express my desire for sucking cock openly or whatever and not just have to smile politely
I have only just discovered this website, linked from another, and happened upon this post. I can’t describe how lifted I am.
My dilemma is that I’ve had a male acquaintance – barely a mate, even less a friend – for a couple of years now. Over the last year, our work (in next door offices) bought us closer together, but most of our contact is by phone. He calls me – a lot, and sometimes for the slightest of reasons even though he got married just under a year ago.
Recently, I have had crushingly strong feelings for him. He’s rugged, fit and kinda handsome, and has a terrific personality. He’s a wonderful father to his kid from his 1st marriage.
His wife was away recently, and we had a ‘guys’ night out, beers and a meal. When we got back to my place for a nightcap, it was a hot summer evening, and he was ‘glowing’ magnificently! How I didn’t just climb him like Everest I don’t know. A couple of things recently have led me to think that he MIGHT be bicurious, but either way I want to express my feelings for him when he returns from a business trip, and offer him my face for his lap, if and when he wants it.
I’m 52, he’s 43 and he occupies my thoughts every minute of every day. I am sure I absolutely love him, but would do nothing to offend him or harm his marriage. How sad is that? Life, eh?
Just from reading the posts here, you all seem wonderful, loving people. I hope you all find much happiness in life.
So helpfull to find a platform I can relate to. I’m 56 year old man, and though I’m content in myself being bisexual,I’m also acutely aware of the way it’s perceived in the wider community, often negatively, linked with irresponsible promiscuity etc, so I have’nt come out
as they say.I’ve had a number of long lasting relationships with women, two covering many years, living together but not married, both important and life changing.
I shared my bisexualiy with my first real love….a relationship covering nine years, without any problems, or issues of either of us being unfaithfull/cheating.
I’ve had sex with other guys many times…SEX…being the
true definition, and only while I’ve been single, but I’ve never had a commited relationship with another man. This could be about to change as I’ve met somebody I care for a great deal….. it’s a big thing for my family to take on after so many years of seeing me as very masculine. Only my closest friends have known about my being bi over the years. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi all! What a wonderful site!
I’m a 24-y.o. man who’s still unsure of his sexuality. To be honest, I haven’t had sex with a girl yet. And not for lack of trying. Let me try to explain.
My first intimate relationship was with a girl in college. Back then I was pretty certain that I was gay, but had to pretend, out of oh so many fears! But then I passed the “stiff dick” test on a number of occasions, just never happened to be the right time/place and we didn’t have sex. When the time to do it came up, however, I chickened out like a little bitch, afraid that my tool would fail me.
A number of “near-death” experiences later, and I earned the title of a mysterious and moody Heartbreaker, who played on girls’ feelings. Sad truth, there were just as many opportunities for me to explore the homosexual side of me as well, but I passed those up in gusto.
Then I was a celibate monk for awhile, gnawing at myself. It was a dark and lonely place. Until I got into a drunken thing with a guy. Surprise, surprise, it felt natural and kind of great (he was veeerrry knowledgeable of what he was doing), but I failed the “stiff dick” test. Blamed it on alcohol. However, when sober, I still could not get it up. He seemed very much into me, but the experience could not be repeated.
Now, from all this accumulated anxiety, I fear the intimate. I have fooled around with girls and guys after that, but it never really led to anything but half-hearted attempts at fellatio and (heavy) petting. I have almost come to terms with this kind of sexual lifestyle, until now. I am developing serious feelings for a (female) friend of mine, who knows my big secret and who seems to have made attempts at embracing it, as much as she can.
I want to start a serious relationship with her, finally after so many years of emotional loneliness. But I don’t want to scare her off or unpleasantly surprise her by admitting that she’ll be my first, well, everything. I know it’s in my head (I am adequate when it comes to wanking off to porn), and I know I want to be with her. At 24, I just don’t know how.
Sorry for the drone. I am trying to deal with my weird situation, and any help would be much appreciated.
P.S. BTW, I come from a country where losing one’s virginity before 20, be you a boy or a girl, is still unusual. Yes, there are those places on earth still.