Bi The Way

OMG – Why are all the best looking guys straight? I’ve just spent the last hour drooling over some photos published by two of my “friends” on Facebook. I won’t say which, because it’ll embarrass them, but they are both hotter than a Moroccan sunset!

OK – one of them I know is a bit of a twat, so even if getting with him was an option (its not because he’s straight) then I’d pass anyway, but still – they must want people to look right?

Right?

Footnote: Why don’t the girl’s publish such horny pictures? I guess because when a guy publishes a sexy photo and he’s being a stud, a girl does it and she’s been a slut – go figure.

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For a lot of people, coming out as bisexual is a largely positive experience. For me I thinking coming out was ultimately a good thing, however the method of my coming out was an absolute disaster. So I’m going to share with you here the story of the “worst coming out ever” – I can just hear Comic-Book-Guy from the Simpsons introducing it.

I never had a particularly close relationship with my father and if I’m honest, I’ve resented him for years. Nothing I ever did or achieved ever seemed to earn his approval or appreciation. Sadly, my father is the kind of man who is completely ambivalent to the feelings of others and often steams through situations without seeming to notice that he’s pissing people off. As a result I suffered years of major depression in my late teens and early twenties and I’ve never forgiven him for dismissing my depressive illness as something I should simply “snap out of” and “stop worrying my mum about”.

With this in mind its easy to see I have a lot of unresolved anger with my father, which I hope in some way mitigates, though does not excuse what I am about to share with you.

It was over diner with my parents and the discussion had somehow turned to the issue of Gay Adoption. An emotive issue which can draw strong opinions from both sides, most of them well reasoned and without overt prejudice, however, my father had his view and was determined to air it.

“We all know Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual people corrupt children and shouldn’t be allowed near them.”

This was my fathers view. His honest to god, bigoted, ill-informed view. I was livid.

He didn’t know I was bisexual. Would he still have held this view if he’d known? I don’t know. But he’d effectively just called me a paedophile, someone who isn’t safe to be allowed near children and I saw red.

I went for him. I dragged him out of his chair, threw him against the wall, came out as bisexual there and then before punching him out cold, breaking my hand in the process.

It took the bastard 3 whole minutes to come around. It scared me shitless, I thought I’d killed him. There was a lot more than just the anger and provocation of being called a paedophile behind my outburst, there was years of repressed anger which just came out with this catalyst.

It really was the wrong way to deal with the situation, but I wasn’t in control, I’d lost it big style and in the heat of the moment, I’d come out. I’d blown by biggest, most personal secret wide open.

This leaves you with a whole host of other issues to deal with. When you come out in such dramatic style there is no-way you can just crawl back into the closet. Fortunately, whilst my family reacted in horror at me knocking my old man out cold, with the exception of my father, once they got over my moment of madness, they reacted with compassion and understanding towards my sexuality. Best of all my friends have been great, with many of them being really encouraging.

Still my relationship with my father is effectively over, neither of us wants to see or speak to the other. And this really isn’t a good way to come out. Its far better to do it calmly on a quiet day where there are no other distractions so the focus of everyone’s attention can be on understanding what you have to say and supporting you through it.

Punch someone’s lights out and everyone’s fussing over the person lying bleeding on the floor, you’re left alone to wallow away in your own personal agony. Believe me, sitting waiting in the Emergency Room whilst your hand is X-Rayed and immobilised, replaying the last hour of your life over and over again like some nightmare version of Ground Hog day is not an experience I can recommend.

Successful Advertising Agencies are famed for knowing their audience, they research heavily, they sample they test and produce a concept designed to appeal. So pray explain, if 95% of men are supposedly straight why are so many ads for men’s grooming products and clothing, particularly underwear, laced with a healthy dose of homoerotic imagery?

This image on the right is a perfect example, here we have David Beckham, half nude, showing a hell of a lot of flesh and he’s advertising a razor. A men’s razor, not a woman’s razor. Why do we need to see that much ribbed flesh to know that this is a good razor?

Well OK – its association, good toned healthy body, good razor leaves your skin healthy, even though we’ll be mostly using it on our face. Though other Gillette Ads have been happy for the association to just be with the celebrity and not with his body, so we associate with success of the celebrity. However, here we are clearly been asked to associate with beauty.

If as men we only had eyes for the female form as a thing of beauty this advert would be wasted on us.

Another great example is this shot of Travis Fimmel modelling Calvin Klein underwear. Its again just laced with homoeroticism, remember girls don’t buy these briefs, men do! Everything about this image, from Fimmel’s youthful looks, his toned body, to his suggestive expression and the bulge in his pants are all aimed at us men.

Now we might not all want to jump into bed with Travis Fimmel, but why use such a sexy image to sell to straight men?

OK – I can hear someone at the back shouting “its because we want to be him, not sleep with him!” – true I’ll grant you that, we all want those looks, that body and that size package, but why? Because we recognise it as beautiful and realise that women will too. If we look like that, we’ll get more chicks – simple. But we have to be able to appreciate the beauty of the male form before can make that link. That is by definition homoeroticism.

The rise and acceptance of metrosexuality has allowed straight men with an appreciation of aesthetics to take full advantage of this realisation, whereas gruff looking, middle aged skinheads with swollen beer bellies lose out, because they deliberately repress aesthetics, regarding it as an unmasculine quality.

Metrosexual men are of course not bisexual or gay, but they don’t repress the aesthetics or their appreciation of male beauty, and in my opinion herein lies the hook for the Ad-men. Most men are capable of admiring the male form as a thing of beauty, if we can admit to that, then its easy to see that bisexuality is only a stones throw away. And as a concept the bisexual man becomes a little easier to understand.

As a male bisexual, getting friends to understand your sexual orientation is sometimes quite tricky. Upon learning of my bisexuality no fewer than 3 of my friends, all female, have declared how they “can’t imagine ever wanting to sleep with a member of the same sex”. Concerned that this response showed a lack of empathy, I came up with a unique way of challenging this statement which is virtually guaranteed to win over female friends.

“OK”, I reply, “You can’t imagine wanting to sleep with a member of the same sex, can you imagine wanting to sleep with a guy?”

“Oh yes,” they say.

“Well then its straight part of me that you don’t understand.”

All of a sudden the penny drops and they realise that they now have something they empathise with you over that they didn’t have before learning you were bi. Its a great tip for getting straight female friends to understand your bisexuality.

When it comes to discovering your bisexuality, realising you are not alone is a big part of the acceptance process. I had no idea I was in such good company, so I guess if you are young guy or even a girl struggling with your sexual identity and thinking you just might be bisexual, then this list might just offer you some comfort:

List of Famous Bisexuals

“I think I’ve always been bisexual, I mean, it’s something that I’ve always been interested in. I think everybody kind of fantasizes about the same sex. I think people are born bisexual, and it’s just that our parents and society kind of veer us off into this feeling of Oh, I can’t. They say it’s taboo. It’s ingrained in our heads that it’s bad, when it’s not bad at all. It’s a very beautiful thing.” – Billy Joe Armstrong, Greenday

• Christina Aguilera – Musician (1980 – present)
• Billie Joe Armstrong – Lead singer from Greenday (1972 – present)
• Drew Barrymore – American Actress (1975 – present)
• David Bowie – Musician (1951 – present) * though he now asserts it was just a phase (disappointing)
• Lord Byron – English Poet (1788 – 1824)
• Whoopi Goldberg – American Actress (1955 – present)
• Alec Guinness – British Actor (1914 – 2000) *The original Obi Wan Kenobi
• Simon Hughes MP – British Politician (1951 – present)
• Angelina Jolie – Actress (1975 – present)
• Lindsay Lohan – Actress & singer (1986 – present)
• Madonna – Singer, Songwriter (1958 – present)
• Brian Molko – singer of Placebo (1972 – present)
• Lawrence Olivier – Birtish Actor (1907 – 1989)
• Billie Piper – British Actrees (1982 – present)
• Tom Robinson – British Musician and Broadcaster (1950 – present)
• Michael Stipe – Lead Singer of REM (1960 – present)
• Virginia Woolf – British Writer (1882-1941)

We could keep much worse company, couldn’t we? For a more extensive list check out Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_bisexual_people

I just found out that men who have sex with other men, even if they they only ever have ‘safe sex’ are excluded from being blood donors. Yet a woman who has unprotected sex with hundreds of different men is allowed to give blood!

Crazy, but its true. Due to the “risk” of HIV transmission, the National Blood Service has a ban on gay and bisexual men, and their female partners, donating blood. The ban – a hangover from the 1980′s when HIV transmission was not well understood – is based on who you have sex with not how you have sex. This is in spite of the fact that the rate of heterosexually acquired HIV infections diagnosed in the UK overtook the rate of homosexually acquired HIV infections in 1999. [Source]

Just to give you an example of how perverse this ban is, a gay or bisexual man, or his female partner could supply a recent HIV test proving they are HIV negative yet would still be refused the opportunity to give blood. Whilst the straight guy or girl who has had unprotected sex with dozens of partners and no recent HIV test would be instantly accepted onto the blood donor register.

This ban has got to end, as its motivated by and outdated understanding of the facts, re-enforced with an unhealthy dose of homophobia and biphobia and not by medical science. Especially considering there is a national shortage of blood donors and modern screening tests which make the ban redundant.

There has already been major support for an end to the ban. The Lib Dem Welsh spring conference voted to end the blood ban. And there is a very active, independent petition which you can sign to help end this travesty. In the meantime, if you are not currently excluded, the UK is very low on blood stocks. Please make an appointment at your local blood donor clinic and give blood. Irrespective of the politics, Britain urgently needs blood donors you can help even if others currently can’t.

Resources:

• Give Blood - The National Blood Service
• Sign the Petition to End the Blood Ban – BloodBan.co.uk
• DELGA on the blood ban – Lib Dem LGBT Group
• UK HIV Statistics – Avert

There’s a lot of nonsense written about bisexuals and the media often portray an unfair stereotype, so here’s a list of 5 myths about bisexuals that we shall debunk right here and now.

Myth #1 Bisexuality doesn’t exist.

This is based on the simplistic notion that people are either straight or gay. Well sorry to mess-up your black and white view of the world, but there are many shades of grey in between. Studies from as far back as the 1940′s identified the prevalence of bisexuality, (See Kinsey reports). And there are far too many people who identify was bisexual and genuinely do find themselves attracted to men and women, for the existence of bisexuality to be seriously called into question.

Myth #2 Its just a phase.

“IT’S NOT A PHASE!” – There are so many bisexuals set to scream this from the roof-tops because they are so sick of been told that their sexual orientation is some kind of teenage experimentation or mid-life crisis and that its something they’ll grow out of. Trust me it isn’t! It persists. This stereotype is often assumed by parents of teenagers, hoping to god their child will be “normal” and by Gay and Lesbians who had straight experiences before realising their homosexual preference.

Myth #3 Bisexual are always unfaithful and can’t be trusted.

We get this a lot, sadly, but whilst there are promiscuous bisexuals just as there are promiscuous gay and straight people, there are many bisexuals who are perfectly capable of entering into and maintaining a committed monogamous relationship. You see bisexuality doesn’t so much mean that we want to sleep with men *and* women, more commonly it means that we are happy to sleep with men *or* women. Or as my friend Sean put it, “I’m attracted to the person, not the genitalia.”

Myth #4 Bisexuals spread HIV.

This stems from the argument that HIV originated in the Gay community and was spread to the straight community by people who slept with both men and women (bisexuals). This argument is weak at best when you consider that HIV actually originated in non-human primates and “jumped” to humans via mutation. HIV is of course not spread by bisexuals, but instead by unsafe sexual practices, this applies whether you are straight, gay or bisexual. In fact the rate of HIV transmission between heterosexuals now exceeds the rate of the infection between homosexual partners. After the devastation caused by HIV in the 80′s the gay community is now much more conscious of the risks whereas the straight community is increasingly ambivalent to the dangers of STD’s.

Myth #5 Bisexuals are gay people who want to avoid the social-political consequences of been gay.

This is a myth circulated by the Gay and Lesbian Community who feel that by identifying as bisexual rather than homosexual we weaken their position as a political movement. The gay lobby group “Stonewall” is notorious for ignoring bisexuals and bisexuality. Even though it claims to be an organisation for the LGBT community.

The notion that as bisexuals we avoid the discrimination faced by the gay community because we “keep one foot in the straight circle”, is instantly rubbished by the existence of this myth and the bi-phobia we face from elements of the gay community. So far from avoiding discrimination, we get it in stereo, from the straight community one on side and from the gay community on the other. Its a tough beat to tread.

I guess like many bisexual men, there were many years for which I denied my sexuality. I first became aware I might be bisexual in my mid-20′s, I’d see pictures of guys in magazines and on web sites and I’d find myself becoming aroused. These pictures were usually of fully clothed men or occasionally ribbed guys modelling underwear, but they were never pornographic. Still I found them sexy, in the same way as I found shots of hot women in these same magazines sexy. Undeniably, these photos of men turned me on. I responded to them in them in same way I responded to similar photos of women.

For several years I’d beat myself up about it, I’d feel ashamed and I buried these feelings in the basement of my emotional house of cards. But the feelings wouldn’t go away. Just when I thought I’d put these feelings to bed for good – BANG! They’d come right back and hit me all over again.

There was no more poignant reminder than when I was coming through Schipol Airport back in 2004. I’d just enjoyed a weekend in Amsterdam with my Dutch girlfriend, and having just spent the last 72 hours demonstrating my heterosexuality, I walk through the departures lounge in the airport and there’s this tall handsome guy with long beautiful hair – who I simply can’t take my eyes off. He’s with his girlfriend, but I barely notice her, all I see is him.

“What the hell is wrong with me?”

At the time I put the Schipol incident behind me. In fact it took me another 3 years to realise these feelings weren’t going away and I also realised that I wasn’t so much ashamed of myself, but embarrassed and fearful of what my friends and family might think of me if they realised I fancied guys as well as girls.

I began to accept that I was bi curious, but I kept it to myself, and privately I knew I was more than curious. But in this time I did one important thing: I gave myself permission to lust. I promised myself I would no longer beat myself up for fancying guys. That I’d let my fantasies take me where-ever they wanted, that I wouldn’t feel guilty for who I was or the way I felt. For me this was the first step in paving the way for me to come-out. And it made me a lot happier.

*Update*

In the past two months since coming out – I’ve really given myself “Permission to Lust” – that is to say, permission to allow myself to be attracted to men. I’ve really gotten over that psychological barrier that leaves you guilt ridden for fantasising about men or even taking a second look at a good looking guy in the street.

Its about self-acceptance.

If you’d asked me a year ago, I might have admitted I was bi-curious, but equally at that time had I been alone and intimate with a guy I’d have probably ran a mile if he’d so much as dropped his shorts. One year on and provided we’re talking about a good looking guy (yes I’m shallow – sue me!) I’m confident that I’ll dive right in and have my mouth around his cock faster than you can say “you queer bastard.”

I’m over the guilt – all I need is the man I can connect with, emotionally, intellectually and sexually. Right now, that looks like the bigger ask!

Welcome to Bitheway.co.uk – a blog exploring male bisexuality. If you’ve ever thought you might be gay, suppressed feelings for another guy, or felt uncomfortable with a gay identity then this site is for you. Whether you are confused about your sexuality or confident and want to “branch out” then hopefully you’ll find something in this blog which helps you take the next step.

I’m the editor and for the short term at least, the sole contributor to this weblog, however, in time I hope to encourage contributions from other writers and for readers to participate by posting comments and discussing the articles that are published.